Doogie Howser, M.D. (1989) s02e16 Episode Script
Air Doogie
As most of you know, I'm not a violent man by nature.
I pride myself on being even-tempered, but this display of childish vandalism triggers an emotion in me I'm finding very difficult to control.
Healthy athletic competition is supposed to be fought on the field of battle, fought with honor and dignity, not through petty acts of provocation unbefitting the medical profession.
He's taking this game awfully seriously.
Shh! Shh! The integrity of this hospital has been challenged, and, ladies and gentlemen, it's time to meet that challenge.
It's time to avenge the past.
It's time to kick some serious Behind.
Yeah! Yeah! Whoo-whoo-whoo! Whoo-whoo-whoo! So, doctors, sign up.
I'll see you guys later.
Hey, doog, sign up first.
Sign up? I'd love to, but I'm pretty sure I have plans this Saturday.
Howser, you got to be close to 6' this year.
We could use your height.
I'm sure you'll get plenty of guys.
This is a doctors-only game.
We never have enough guys.
Leave him alone.
He obviously doesn't want to play.
I didn't say that.
Because he's taller doesn't mean he can play.
I can.
I have a commitment.
If he's no good, he's no good.
I can play.
You can't play.
I'm not that bad.
Trust me.
I'm your best friend.
I've seen you play.
Your abilities have what I'd describe as a distinct odor.
I can shoot.
I can dribble.
I can pass.
Maybe I couldn't beat Dr.
j You couldn't beat Dr.
Seuss.
I realize I'm not a genius of your caliber, but I'm not dumb enough to enter a situation where I'll be humiliated.
Weasel out of this thing.
I need to practice.
Play me one-on-one.
Oh, great.
Forget it.
I'm not into sweating and heavy breathing unless there's a woman involved.
Come on.
One game.
To 10.
All right, but I'm telling you I hate this game.
Yes! No! Game.
Happy? Ray, take miss Andrews to room 428.
Sure.
Actually, it would be my exceedingly fine pleasure.
Welcome to the hotel eastman.
You'll be happy to know that you're residing in the Raymond b.
Alexander wing, the best accommodations and, uh Service with a smile.
So I take it you're Raymond.
Oh, the one and only.
Allow me.
That's o.
K.
I can do it.
Thank you.
O.
K.
You got your bathroom here, these drawers are for your stuff, and, uh With this switch, you can reach me Or night.
I'm, uh Very available.
I won't be needing you.
I'm sure you're a nice guy, but I'm here to have surgery on my leg, and that's it.
O.
K.
? O.
K O.
K.
You're the patient.
I'm telling you, man, the woman digs me.
She practically begged for my phone number.
Yeah.
That's right.
What's happening? Not much.
Are you talking about Trish Andrews? I, uh, might be.
She's cute.
She like you? She digs the way i wear a uniform.
What can I say? She just arrived.
How well could she know you? It's called animal magnetism.
Happens in a flash.
You know how it is.
So many women, so little time.
Well.
Five stitches.
I still have the scar.
If that jerk downing throws one elbow this year, I'm taking him down.
Go for the knees.
Now, that's a mature approach, Ron.
Come on, curly.
It's all in fun.
Fun? It's a wonder nobody's gotten killed the way you all play.
You just don't understand.
You're a woman.
This is a guy thing.
Oh, I see, this is a guy thing.
A bunch of over-the-hill trying to re-live their youth in a primitive bonding ritual.
Yeah.
That's accurate.
Doog, we got you down at small forward.
How's that sound? Great.
Look, i don't want to be a jerk here, but I'm kind of concerned about my playing time.
You've already got wernick, Lewis, Kelly and Wallace.
I'd hate to think I'd practice all week and not even play.
Oh, you're gonna play.
I mean, if we're just talking four or five minutes, I've got better things to do with my time.
No, doogie, you're gonna play.
Lewis and Kelly are out.
What? Maybe he should start.
Mcguire: Yeah.
We'll start you, me, howser, roganoff and Wallace.
With the gall bladder removed, let's move ahead and explore the common bile duct.
Dr.
mcguire, Ben canfield tells me he's awfully excited about our chances this year.
We'll know more after our first practice tonight.
I understand we may have a secret weapon on the court Saturday.
I sure wish I could be out there.
I was quite a player in my day, but basketball's a young man's game.
When I retired from the 76ers, it was time to let guys like barkley take over.
Can I have some water, nurse? Thank you.
Julius erving? Why do you think I'm called Dr.
j? What are you doing here? I'm not really here.
I'm a subconscious manifestation of your alter ego.
You're a 6'6" figment of my imagination? Yeah.
Oh.
That's cool.
Word is around the league you have your doubts about playing in this game.
Suture.
You could say that.
Remember how you worried about that first kiss from Wanda? How'd that turn out? Good.
Real good.
Well, that's the key.
You just have to have confidence, kid.
Every successful athlete believes he can win every time out.
He doesn't think about quitting.
You're not a quitter.
No, Dr.
j, I'm not.
I'm going to play.
I'm going to play.
Excuse me? Scissors.
Stretch it out good.
Can't afford any hamstring tears.
Good evening, Ben.
Ladies.
Save it, Lee.
If you don't mind, it's a closed practice.
I don't blame you.
Let me introduce you to St.
Michael's newest resident.
This is Dr.
mark hill.
He just graduated from Duke.
Passed up a chance to play ball in Italy.
We're impressed.
Give us the ball.
O.
K.
, guys.
Lay-ups! Let's go, let's go.
Who are you fooling, howser? You can't play.
If I were you, I'd be weaseling out of this game.
Aah! What happened? Don't touch it! What's wrong? My ankle.
Stay where you are.
It's o.
K.
Don't try to get up.
Oh! How's the ankle, doog? Oh, it's not too bad, just a sprain.
Looks a lot worse than it is.
We really could have used you.
Yeah.
That's the way it goes, I guess.
I am real disappointed.
Room service.
Good evening, miss Andrews.
My, you have some fine-looking toes.
Give it a rest, Raymond.
I thought dinner was at 6:00.
I'm starved.
Well, you're in for a special treat.
I saved your room for last.
Me and you Are dining together.
Listen, I'm really not interested in having dinner with you.
I know.
But you see Raymond Alexander is not the kind of man who takes no for an answer.
You got to give us a chance to get more comfortable.
What do you think this is, club med? How much more clear can I make it? You've been hitting on me from the moment i arrived.
Give it a rest.
I'm not the slightest bit interested in you.
Get out of my room.
Night, doog.
Stay off that leg.
Thanks.
Oh, man.
Surprise, surprise.
Uh This isn't what it looks like.
It looks like you're faking an injury.
O.
K.
, I'm faking an injury.
I just can't play in this game.
I'm not going to do something I'm no good at.
Nice role model.
Push me to become the better orderly, but when you're no good at something, you bail.
You just talk a big game.
Excuse me, Mr.
"so many women, so little time.
" What's that mean? It means I overheard some of your conversation with Trish Andrews tonight.
Then you know i had to break the bad news to her.
I can't be mixing business with pleasure, you know? Girls get nasty when you break their heart.
Give it up.
You've been lying to everyone.
I haven't been lying.
Maybe exaggerating a little.
A little? She doesn't want anything to do with you.
You've acted like Luther vandross.
I don't quit a game because I'll look like a fool.
You're acting like a fool and removing all doubt.
O.
K.
, o.
K.
, that's enough, guys.
That's a terrible call.
You're killing us here.
Psst.
Foul on 14.
You got him.
That's the second guy you've hurt! Get him, Jack! You got another shot.
Boo! Boo! Boo! It's only his second foul.
They're not going to need you.
There's plenty of time left.
Time out St.
Michael's.
Score eastman, 58, St.
Michael's, 53.
Not another guy.
Where are you going, rogoff? You got 15 points.
It's only a little cut.
I got money on this game.
You two guys are out of here.
Six minutes left.
You're down to your last five guys.
Lose another player, and your team forfeits.
Boy, isn't this exciting? Would you stop that? You're up 4 with a minute left.
Game's in the bag, right? Tell me it's in the bag.
Aah! I think it's my hamstring.
Time out, ref.
How bad? I can make it.
He can make it.
He can make it! Forget it.
I'm not going to risk any serious injury.
We can't play with four guys.
We'd have to forfeit the game.
So be it.
Maybe doogie can play.
Doogie can't play.
He's got a bad leg.
Show them your bad leg, doog.
Go ahead.
Limp a little.
All right.
Enough already.
We've got four guys left.
What's the story? You got to have five men.
Less than a minute's left! Those are the rules.
I'll play.
All right, doogie! Go.
Eastman! Work for the last shot! Work for the last shot! Sorry, coach.
Work for the last shot! Work for the last shot! Defense! Defense! Defense! Defense! Defense! Defense! Defense! Defense! Defense! Uhh! Aah! It's after the shot, so we're shooting free throws.
Number 2, you're the shooter.
All right! All right! Great play, howser.
Did he say i was shooting? Yeah, yeah.
You all right? Yeah Yeah.
The game's over, doog.
All you got to do is make one, and we win.
Let's go! Come on, buddy, you can do it! You got two shots.
One more.
You can make it, howser.
What game have you been watching? You know when you're in surgery and you feel like you can do no wrong, like you could close your eyes and make it happen? Well, find that zone.
Anything else? Yeah.
Shoot for the one in the middle.
Choke.
Come in.
What is it? This will only take a second, then you can kick me out.
I know I've been coming on like a pit bull, but that wasn't really me.
It was, but that's the only way dudes I hung with treated women.
I guess what I'm trying to say is I realize now that I was putting on this macho act because I was afraid, afraid the real me would look like a fool, which I guess i did after all.
Anyway, I'm sorry.
Good night.
Hey.
Now I like this guy a lot more.
Doog! Doog! Doog! Doog! Doog! Doog! Doog! Doog! Yes! Yeah! Hey, howser.
Congratulations.
Thanks.
I still can't believe i made that shot.
Making that shot wasn't the important thing.
You played.
I pride myself on being even-tempered, but this display of childish vandalism triggers an emotion in me I'm finding very difficult to control.
Healthy athletic competition is supposed to be fought on the field of battle, fought with honor and dignity, not through petty acts of provocation unbefitting the medical profession.
He's taking this game awfully seriously.
Shh! Shh! The integrity of this hospital has been challenged, and, ladies and gentlemen, it's time to meet that challenge.
It's time to avenge the past.
It's time to kick some serious Behind.
Yeah! Yeah! Whoo-whoo-whoo! Whoo-whoo-whoo! So, doctors, sign up.
I'll see you guys later.
Hey, doog, sign up first.
Sign up? I'd love to, but I'm pretty sure I have plans this Saturday.
Howser, you got to be close to 6' this year.
We could use your height.
I'm sure you'll get plenty of guys.
This is a doctors-only game.
We never have enough guys.
Leave him alone.
He obviously doesn't want to play.
I didn't say that.
Because he's taller doesn't mean he can play.
I can.
I have a commitment.
If he's no good, he's no good.
I can play.
You can't play.
I'm not that bad.
Trust me.
I'm your best friend.
I've seen you play.
Your abilities have what I'd describe as a distinct odor.
I can shoot.
I can dribble.
I can pass.
Maybe I couldn't beat Dr.
j You couldn't beat Dr.
Seuss.
I realize I'm not a genius of your caliber, but I'm not dumb enough to enter a situation where I'll be humiliated.
Weasel out of this thing.
I need to practice.
Play me one-on-one.
Oh, great.
Forget it.
I'm not into sweating and heavy breathing unless there's a woman involved.
Come on.
One game.
To 10.
All right, but I'm telling you I hate this game.
Yes! No! Game.
Happy? Ray, take miss Andrews to room 428.
Sure.
Actually, it would be my exceedingly fine pleasure.
Welcome to the hotel eastman.
You'll be happy to know that you're residing in the Raymond b.
Alexander wing, the best accommodations and, uh Service with a smile.
So I take it you're Raymond.
Oh, the one and only.
Allow me.
That's o.
K.
I can do it.
Thank you.
O.
K.
You got your bathroom here, these drawers are for your stuff, and, uh With this switch, you can reach me Or night.
I'm, uh Very available.
I won't be needing you.
I'm sure you're a nice guy, but I'm here to have surgery on my leg, and that's it.
O.
K.
? O.
K O.
K.
You're the patient.
I'm telling you, man, the woman digs me.
She practically begged for my phone number.
Yeah.
That's right.
What's happening? Not much.
Are you talking about Trish Andrews? I, uh, might be.
She's cute.
She like you? She digs the way i wear a uniform.
What can I say? She just arrived.
How well could she know you? It's called animal magnetism.
Happens in a flash.
You know how it is.
So many women, so little time.
Well.
Five stitches.
I still have the scar.
If that jerk downing throws one elbow this year, I'm taking him down.
Go for the knees.
Now, that's a mature approach, Ron.
Come on, curly.
It's all in fun.
Fun? It's a wonder nobody's gotten killed the way you all play.
You just don't understand.
You're a woman.
This is a guy thing.
Oh, I see, this is a guy thing.
A bunch of over-the-hill trying to re-live their youth in a primitive bonding ritual.
Yeah.
That's accurate.
Doog, we got you down at small forward.
How's that sound? Great.
Look, i don't want to be a jerk here, but I'm kind of concerned about my playing time.
You've already got wernick, Lewis, Kelly and Wallace.
I'd hate to think I'd practice all week and not even play.
Oh, you're gonna play.
I mean, if we're just talking four or five minutes, I've got better things to do with my time.
No, doogie, you're gonna play.
Lewis and Kelly are out.
What? Maybe he should start.
Mcguire: Yeah.
We'll start you, me, howser, roganoff and Wallace.
With the gall bladder removed, let's move ahead and explore the common bile duct.
Dr.
mcguire, Ben canfield tells me he's awfully excited about our chances this year.
We'll know more after our first practice tonight.
I understand we may have a secret weapon on the court Saturday.
I sure wish I could be out there.
I was quite a player in my day, but basketball's a young man's game.
When I retired from the 76ers, it was time to let guys like barkley take over.
Can I have some water, nurse? Thank you.
Julius erving? Why do you think I'm called Dr.
j? What are you doing here? I'm not really here.
I'm a subconscious manifestation of your alter ego.
You're a 6'6" figment of my imagination? Yeah.
Oh.
That's cool.
Word is around the league you have your doubts about playing in this game.
Suture.
You could say that.
Remember how you worried about that first kiss from Wanda? How'd that turn out? Good.
Real good.
Well, that's the key.
You just have to have confidence, kid.
Every successful athlete believes he can win every time out.
He doesn't think about quitting.
You're not a quitter.
No, Dr.
j, I'm not.
I'm going to play.
I'm going to play.
Excuse me? Scissors.
Stretch it out good.
Can't afford any hamstring tears.
Good evening, Ben.
Ladies.
Save it, Lee.
If you don't mind, it's a closed practice.
I don't blame you.
Let me introduce you to St.
Michael's newest resident.
This is Dr.
mark hill.
He just graduated from Duke.
Passed up a chance to play ball in Italy.
We're impressed.
Give us the ball.
O.
K.
, guys.
Lay-ups! Let's go, let's go.
Who are you fooling, howser? You can't play.
If I were you, I'd be weaseling out of this game.
Aah! What happened? Don't touch it! What's wrong? My ankle.
Stay where you are.
It's o.
K.
Don't try to get up.
Oh! How's the ankle, doog? Oh, it's not too bad, just a sprain.
Looks a lot worse than it is.
We really could have used you.
Yeah.
That's the way it goes, I guess.
I am real disappointed.
Room service.
Good evening, miss Andrews.
My, you have some fine-looking toes.
Give it a rest, Raymond.
I thought dinner was at 6:00.
I'm starved.
Well, you're in for a special treat.
I saved your room for last.
Me and you Are dining together.
Listen, I'm really not interested in having dinner with you.
I know.
But you see Raymond Alexander is not the kind of man who takes no for an answer.
You got to give us a chance to get more comfortable.
What do you think this is, club med? How much more clear can I make it? You've been hitting on me from the moment i arrived.
Give it a rest.
I'm not the slightest bit interested in you.
Get out of my room.
Night, doog.
Stay off that leg.
Thanks.
Oh, man.
Surprise, surprise.
Uh This isn't what it looks like.
It looks like you're faking an injury.
O.
K.
, I'm faking an injury.
I just can't play in this game.
I'm not going to do something I'm no good at.
Nice role model.
Push me to become the better orderly, but when you're no good at something, you bail.
You just talk a big game.
Excuse me, Mr.
"so many women, so little time.
" What's that mean? It means I overheard some of your conversation with Trish Andrews tonight.
Then you know i had to break the bad news to her.
I can't be mixing business with pleasure, you know? Girls get nasty when you break their heart.
Give it up.
You've been lying to everyone.
I haven't been lying.
Maybe exaggerating a little.
A little? She doesn't want anything to do with you.
You've acted like Luther vandross.
I don't quit a game because I'll look like a fool.
You're acting like a fool and removing all doubt.
O.
K.
, o.
K.
, that's enough, guys.
That's a terrible call.
You're killing us here.
Psst.
Foul on 14.
You got him.
That's the second guy you've hurt! Get him, Jack! You got another shot.
Boo! Boo! Boo! It's only his second foul.
They're not going to need you.
There's plenty of time left.
Time out St.
Michael's.
Score eastman, 58, St.
Michael's, 53.
Not another guy.
Where are you going, rogoff? You got 15 points.
It's only a little cut.
I got money on this game.
You two guys are out of here.
Six minutes left.
You're down to your last five guys.
Lose another player, and your team forfeits.
Boy, isn't this exciting? Would you stop that? You're up 4 with a minute left.
Game's in the bag, right? Tell me it's in the bag.
Aah! I think it's my hamstring.
Time out, ref.
How bad? I can make it.
He can make it.
He can make it! Forget it.
I'm not going to risk any serious injury.
We can't play with four guys.
We'd have to forfeit the game.
So be it.
Maybe doogie can play.
Doogie can't play.
He's got a bad leg.
Show them your bad leg, doog.
Go ahead.
Limp a little.
All right.
Enough already.
We've got four guys left.
What's the story? You got to have five men.
Less than a minute's left! Those are the rules.
I'll play.
All right, doogie! Go.
Eastman! Work for the last shot! Work for the last shot! Sorry, coach.
Work for the last shot! Work for the last shot! Defense! Defense! Defense! Defense! Defense! Defense! Defense! Defense! Defense! Uhh! Aah! It's after the shot, so we're shooting free throws.
Number 2, you're the shooter.
All right! All right! Great play, howser.
Did he say i was shooting? Yeah, yeah.
You all right? Yeah Yeah.
The game's over, doog.
All you got to do is make one, and we win.
Let's go! Come on, buddy, you can do it! You got two shots.
One more.
You can make it, howser.
What game have you been watching? You know when you're in surgery and you feel like you can do no wrong, like you could close your eyes and make it happen? Well, find that zone.
Anything else? Yeah.
Shoot for the one in the middle.
Choke.
Come in.
What is it? This will only take a second, then you can kick me out.
I know I've been coming on like a pit bull, but that wasn't really me.
It was, but that's the only way dudes I hung with treated women.
I guess what I'm trying to say is I realize now that I was putting on this macho act because I was afraid, afraid the real me would look like a fool, which I guess i did after all.
Anyway, I'm sorry.
Good night.
Hey.
Now I like this guy a lot more.
Doog! Doog! Doog! Doog! Doog! Doog! Doog! Doog! Yes! Yeah! Hey, howser.
Congratulations.
Thanks.
I still can't believe i made that shot.
Making that shot wasn't the important thing.
You played.