Doogie Howser, M.D. (1989) s02e24 Episode Script
A Kiss Ain't Just a Kiss
Oh, my love My darlin' I hungered for your touch Doog, the most stupendous thing just happened to me.
It can wait.
No, it can't.
Yes, it can.
No, it can't.
Yes, it can! Ohh! No, it can't.
Ahh.
Ahh.
There is nothing that could have happened to you that would justify spraying my manhood with scalding water.
Phyllis maldarelli asked me out.
Phyllis maldarelli? Mm-hmm.
Why would someone so voluptuous ask you out? Charisma.
Go ahead, snort.
Word got around that I'm going to film school, and suddenly I'm desirable.
High school is a sick world.
I'm not the first to benefit from the film maker's aura.
Would Mia farrow shack up with Woody Allen if he sold insurance? I see your point.
You're not going to cheat on Janine? I've always been scorned by the girls on the "a" list.
If I don't cheat on Janine, I'll be cheating myself.
Besides, Phyllis maldarelli has the fullest lips in brentwood.
She could suck the chrome off a Cadillac.
Vinnie, think about what you're doing.
Remember what happened when I cheated on Wanda? I felt so low, so dirty.
Yeah, so? Some people are born to go the speed limit, pay taxes, and live in monogamy.
That's you in a nutshell.
Others are born to gyp the government, drive unfettered by the speedometer, and sample a plethora of female flesh.
Voila.
Well, good luck.
Actually It's going to take more than luck,mi amigo.
All I'm asking is, if Janine asks what you did tonight, you say, "I went to the dodger game with Vinnie.
" Come on.
It's simple.
Eight little words.
I went to the No, Vinnie.
Forget it.
No way.
I went to the dodger game with Vinnie.
You're lying.
Vinnie was out with Phyllis maldarelli.
Janine.
Give it up, doogie.
The whole school is talking about it.
When I walk down the hall, everybody whispers.
Then they snicker.
I know that move.
I've done it myself.
I didn't want to do it.
Vinnie made me do it.
Oh, god.
I keep thinking about the two of them together.
His scrawny little arms wrapped around her voluptuous body.
A year ago, I couldn't have cared less, but Now I kind of love the little jerk.
Please don't cry.
I can't blame him.
I'm no match for Phyllis maldarelli.
She's gorgeous.
You are just as pretty.
No, I'm not.
Yes, you are.
Come on, doogie.
She's got perfect skin.
Your skin practically glows.
I have always loved your skin.
Oh, you are so sweet.
Just telling the truth.
I can't believe you don't have a million girlfriends, you're so nice.
Thanks.
Vinnie doesn't deserve you as a best friend.
Well, he doesn't deserve you as a girlfriend.
He doesn't deserve either one of us.
Oh.
What do we got? Auto versus auto.
Unstable right knee with large laceration, medial side.
Just relax.
O.
K.
, but you pay attention.
Let's get him onto here.
Raymond, can you give me a hand? All right.
On 3.
Now, take it easy.
I'm ready.
I've got your leg.
Raymond, is that you? Ray? Raymond? What was that all about? Nothing.
You don't walk out on a patient for nothing.
It's none of your business.
If you have a problem, handle it on your own time.
Fine.
You through? What is it with you, ray? The man needed your help.
He'll never get my help.
What are you talking about? He's my father.
You said he was dead.
I lied.
The man walked out on me 12 years ago.
I'll be damned if I care about him.
Ode to love Look at this lonely guy.
Doog, we got to get you a woman.
There's a cute little item.
Should I invite her over? That's o.
K.
When's the last time you did a little tongue tango with anybody? I forget.
Come on, doog.
He forgets.
Leave him alone.
I don't get it.
You're smart.
You're rich.
Some would even say attractive.
You think doog's attractive, right, Janine? What do you mean? I mean, he's not my type.
He's weird-looking.
He doesn't do anything for me.
I'm not the least bit attracted to him.
Janine, this is my best friend you're talking about.
Besides, he's sitting right there.
Thanks for your support, Vinnie.
Brainstorm! Janine, take doogie out on the dance floor.
Let him show his goods.
No! You got to take your meat to the market.
He doesn't want to.
He's shy.
He needs our help.
Go.
The love that we share makes life so sweet together we'll always be I can't even look at him.
I can't look at you or anybody.
Put this into perspective.
I admit our behavior might have been a little Cheap.
Nauseating.
"Rash" is the word I was looking for.
Vinnie took advantage of me, and he took out Phyllis maldarelli behind your back.
At least he cheated with someone I despise.
I kissed his best friend Hard and long.
Oh, god.
I might not be his best friend much longer.
You're not going to tell him? What do you think? Are you kidding? We can never tell him.
Ever, ever, ever.
Hey, howser, drop the merchandise.
To the sound of wedding bells So, you showed your stuff, and with any luck, you'll find someone as sweet as my little love blossom.
It's the same old the same old ball and chain now don't you feel it's the same old the same old Oh, my god.
Hi, Vinnie.
Hi, doogie.
Hello, Janet.
It's Janine.
Oh, right.
So, did Vinnie tell you we saw each other last night? We ran into each other at the dodger game.
Right, doogie? I guess so.
Doogie was so involved with the game, he didn't really notice what was going on.
Not that anything was.
Right.
I just wanted to say Thank you.
You made baseball very exciting.
Who knows? Maybe this year we'll even get to the playoffs.
We live in hope.
Well, ciao, paisano.
Ciao.
Very friendly girl, that Phyllis.
Don't know her that well, but she's always been nice to me.
Give it up, Vinnie.
Don't you think I know everything? What everything? Everything everything.
Wipe that stupid grin off your face.
While you were kissing Phyllis maldarelli, I was kissing somebody else.
It's the same old the same old ball and chain What are you doing here on the third floor? Well, I heard Raymond Alexander might be down here.
Is he working today? I don't know.
He could be.
I don't know what floor he's working on.
He could be at lunch, he could be sick.
You ever notice when somebody's jiving, they always give out too much information? Yeah.
So, you and him friends? Yeah, we are.
How long's the boy been working here? Eight months.
At his age, I couldn't hold a job more than a few months.
Felt it cramped my style.
Had a wife and was about to have Raymond He doesn't have a wife? Oh, that's good.
So, what exactly does the boy do here? He's an orderly.
He just got his high school diploma.
He wants to be an emergency medical technician.
Always was smart as a whip.
He's doing great.
Raymond.
Son I stopped being your son when you walked out.
You'll have to talk to me sometime.
What do you want me to say? "Welcome back," like nothing happened? You go to hell.
I'm still your father.
You were never my father.
Never.
Where were you when I was gettin' sucked into the gangs? A father would have been there to kick my ass, to tell me I was better than that.
You're not my father.
You're a loser who ran off with some broad.
Ray, listen Don't you get it? I am not 6 years old anymore, and I stopped waiting for my father to come home a long time ago.
Yo, doog.
Hey, doog, you in there? You're not a bad person.
It was just one little kiss.
Traitor.
Back-stabber.
Snake.
I owe you a bottle of canoe.
Hey, did somebody paint that window? Doog, this Janine thing's killing me.
I keep seeing my baby doing lip presses with the mystery scum.
All these faces are flashing through my mind.
Any idea who it could be? Everybody knows Janine's my girl.
Everybody.
So whoever did it has gotta be the lowest of the low.
Bacteria.
Mildew.
I guess I deserve it.
I thought fooling around was cool until Janine did it to me.
I feel like a pig.
A pig who kissed Phyllis maldarelli, but a pig nonetheless.
I'm weak! That's my problem.
I wish I could be like you, doog.
You're this moral iron man.
I'm not as good as you think I am.
Oh, come on, you're practically a Saint.
No, I'm not.
Yes, you are.
You're everything I'm not.
You're dependable, trustworthy, honest, loyal It was me.
I kissed Janine.
She was upset about Phyllis.
I was upset about you asking me to lie.
She started to cry, I gave her a hug, and it just happened.
You're scum.
Just listen to me How could you do this to me? You created this.
What you did to Janine and me stunk.
You don't ask friends to lie for you.
You kissed my girlfriend, and you're giving me a lecture? Vinnie, this is your fault.
You started this.
You're taking the delpino route Blame everyone but yourself.
You sicken me, howser.
Don't push me.
I'll push you if I want to.
I'm bigger than you.
I'm madder than you.
What you going to do, hit me? It's open.
O.
K.
, I've been thinking about this all night, and I've made a decision.
We have to tell Vinnie.
What happened to your eye? I told Vinnie.
Are you crazy? You said we have to tell him.
Well, yeah, but not just like that without consulting me.
He called me a Saint, and it came out.
So he hit you? Yes, Janine.
He was that upset? Yes, Janine.
Did he hit you once or throw himself on you? He pummeled me.
He threw his bony little body on me and stuck his finger in my eye.
Happy? Boy, he must really love me.
Janine, he hit me.
I guess you can't blame him.
You did take advantage of me.
What are you talking about? I was comforting you.
There's comforting and then there's comforting.
Are you crazy? You didn't push away, if I remember.
Well, I was vulnerable.
But I didn't expect you to slip me the tongue.
You opened your mouth.
I had to breathe! I'm not the bad guy here.
If anything, I'm an innocent bystander caught between you two lunatics.
If his nose is broken, he asked for it.
You broke his nose? It was a pretty disorganized fight.
I think I hit his nose.
How could you? You're so much bigger! You're not only a sexual aggressor, you're a bully.
Wait, you're rewriting history I can't get into this now.
Vinnie needs me.
You ought to be ashamed of yourself.
Hey, howser! How did you know where to find me? Remember when I stole your matchbox ambulance? You came to the woods here to pout.
You always had this thing about communing with nature.
By they way, where is the nature? This is it.
They paved the rest over.
Well Everything changes.
Deep, Vinnie.
Don't cop a 'tude.
I'm making an effort.
We've had a lot of fights over the years.
This might be the big one.
The one we never get over.
Might be.
The worst thing is I'm mostly right.
I said mostly.
O.
K.
, we both think we're right.
Point is, do we want to be right or happy? I've already decided for myself.
I want my girlfriend, and I still want my best friend, too.
So I'm sorry I asked you to lie.
Jump in anytime.
I'm sorry I kissed Janine.
This isn't the way we made up at 9.
I'd call you a booger.
You'd call me a snothead.
Then mom would make us grilled cheese sandwiches.
Yeah.
I can see her now In the kitchen Sunlight in her hair Sucking the extra Mayo off her fingers.
Lust was so much simpler back then.
Ahh Growing up is so complicated.
Yep.
Any way out of it? I think we have to be more careful with each other.
So true, doog.
You and Janine o.
K.
? Luckily, you're a lousy kisser.
What do you mean? Janine says you have very dry lips.
You know, I put vaseline on mine every night before I go to bed.
If you ever get another date, you might want to do that.
It's important to follow through with the physical therapy.
It's as important as surgery itself.
Whatever you say, doc.
You're the boss.
Do me a favor, will you? Will you tell him I said goodbye? I will.
You have every right to never forgive him for what he did, but I know how much you wanted a father.
There's still time.
A wise man said, "you can be right or you can be happy.
" It's your choice, ray, but before you decide, ask yourself, if you let him leave now, who pays the biggest price? I just can't, man.
It can wait.
No, it can't.
Yes, it can.
No, it can't.
Yes, it can! Ohh! No, it can't.
Ahh.
Ahh.
There is nothing that could have happened to you that would justify spraying my manhood with scalding water.
Phyllis maldarelli asked me out.
Phyllis maldarelli? Mm-hmm.
Why would someone so voluptuous ask you out? Charisma.
Go ahead, snort.
Word got around that I'm going to film school, and suddenly I'm desirable.
High school is a sick world.
I'm not the first to benefit from the film maker's aura.
Would Mia farrow shack up with Woody Allen if he sold insurance? I see your point.
You're not going to cheat on Janine? I've always been scorned by the girls on the "a" list.
If I don't cheat on Janine, I'll be cheating myself.
Besides, Phyllis maldarelli has the fullest lips in brentwood.
She could suck the chrome off a Cadillac.
Vinnie, think about what you're doing.
Remember what happened when I cheated on Wanda? I felt so low, so dirty.
Yeah, so? Some people are born to go the speed limit, pay taxes, and live in monogamy.
That's you in a nutshell.
Others are born to gyp the government, drive unfettered by the speedometer, and sample a plethora of female flesh.
Voila.
Well, good luck.
Actually It's going to take more than luck,mi amigo.
All I'm asking is, if Janine asks what you did tonight, you say, "I went to the dodger game with Vinnie.
" Come on.
It's simple.
Eight little words.
I went to the No, Vinnie.
Forget it.
No way.
I went to the dodger game with Vinnie.
You're lying.
Vinnie was out with Phyllis maldarelli.
Janine.
Give it up, doogie.
The whole school is talking about it.
When I walk down the hall, everybody whispers.
Then they snicker.
I know that move.
I've done it myself.
I didn't want to do it.
Vinnie made me do it.
Oh, god.
I keep thinking about the two of them together.
His scrawny little arms wrapped around her voluptuous body.
A year ago, I couldn't have cared less, but Now I kind of love the little jerk.
Please don't cry.
I can't blame him.
I'm no match for Phyllis maldarelli.
She's gorgeous.
You are just as pretty.
No, I'm not.
Yes, you are.
Come on, doogie.
She's got perfect skin.
Your skin practically glows.
I have always loved your skin.
Oh, you are so sweet.
Just telling the truth.
I can't believe you don't have a million girlfriends, you're so nice.
Thanks.
Vinnie doesn't deserve you as a best friend.
Well, he doesn't deserve you as a girlfriend.
He doesn't deserve either one of us.
Oh.
What do we got? Auto versus auto.
Unstable right knee with large laceration, medial side.
Just relax.
O.
K.
, but you pay attention.
Let's get him onto here.
Raymond, can you give me a hand? All right.
On 3.
Now, take it easy.
I'm ready.
I've got your leg.
Raymond, is that you? Ray? Raymond? What was that all about? Nothing.
You don't walk out on a patient for nothing.
It's none of your business.
If you have a problem, handle it on your own time.
Fine.
You through? What is it with you, ray? The man needed your help.
He'll never get my help.
What are you talking about? He's my father.
You said he was dead.
I lied.
The man walked out on me 12 years ago.
I'll be damned if I care about him.
Ode to love Look at this lonely guy.
Doog, we got to get you a woman.
There's a cute little item.
Should I invite her over? That's o.
K.
When's the last time you did a little tongue tango with anybody? I forget.
Come on, doog.
He forgets.
Leave him alone.
I don't get it.
You're smart.
You're rich.
Some would even say attractive.
You think doog's attractive, right, Janine? What do you mean? I mean, he's not my type.
He's weird-looking.
He doesn't do anything for me.
I'm not the least bit attracted to him.
Janine, this is my best friend you're talking about.
Besides, he's sitting right there.
Thanks for your support, Vinnie.
Brainstorm! Janine, take doogie out on the dance floor.
Let him show his goods.
No! You got to take your meat to the market.
He doesn't want to.
He's shy.
He needs our help.
Go.
The love that we share makes life so sweet together we'll always be I can't even look at him.
I can't look at you or anybody.
Put this into perspective.
I admit our behavior might have been a little Cheap.
Nauseating.
"Rash" is the word I was looking for.
Vinnie took advantage of me, and he took out Phyllis maldarelli behind your back.
At least he cheated with someone I despise.
I kissed his best friend Hard and long.
Oh, god.
I might not be his best friend much longer.
You're not going to tell him? What do you think? Are you kidding? We can never tell him.
Ever, ever, ever.
Hey, howser, drop the merchandise.
To the sound of wedding bells So, you showed your stuff, and with any luck, you'll find someone as sweet as my little love blossom.
It's the same old the same old ball and chain now don't you feel it's the same old the same old Oh, my god.
Hi, Vinnie.
Hi, doogie.
Hello, Janet.
It's Janine.
Oh, right.
So, did Vinnie tell you we saw each other last night? We ran into each other at the dodger game.
Right, doogie? I guess so.
Doogie was so involved with the game, he didn't really notice what was going on.
Not that anything was.
Right.
I just wanted to say Thank you.
You made baseball very exciting.
Who knows? Maybe this year we'll even get to the playoffs.
We live in hope.
Well, ciao, paisano.
Ciao.
Very friendly girl, that Phyllis.
Don't know her that well, but she's always been nice to me.
Give it up, Vinnie.
Don't you think I know everything? What everything? Everything everything.
Wipe that stupid grin off your face.
While you were kissing Phyllis maldarelli, I was kissing somebody else.
It's the same old the same old ball and chain What are you doing here on the third floor? Well, I heard Raymond Alexander might be down here.
Is he working today? I don't know.
He could be.
I don't know what floor he's working on.
He could be at lunch, he could be sick.
You ever notice when somebody's jiving, they always give out too much information? Yeah.
So, you and him friends? Yeah, we are.
How long's the boy been working here? Eight months.
At his age, I couldn't hold a job more than a few months.
Felt it cramped my style.
Had a wife and was about to have Raymond He doesn't have a wife? Oh, that's good.
So, what exactly does the boy do here? He's an orderly.
He just got his high school diploma.
He wants to be an emergency medical technician.
Always was smart as a whip.
He's doing great.
Raymond.
Son I stopped being your son when you walked out.
You'll have to talk to me sometime.
What do you want me to say? "Welcome back," like nothing happened? You go to hell.
I'm still your father.
You were never my father.
Never.
Where were you when I was gettin' sucked into the gangs? A father would have been there to kick my ass, to tell me I was better than that.
You're not my father.
You're a loser who ran off with some broad.
Ray, listen Don't you get it? I am not 6 years old anymore, and I stopped waiting for my father to come home a long time ago.
Yo, doog.
Hey, doog, you in there? You're not a bad person.
It was just one little kiss.
Traitor.
Back-stabber.
Snake.
I owe you a bottle of canoe.
Hey, did somebody paint that window? Doog, this Janine thing's killing me.
I keep seeing my baby doing lip presses with the mystery scum.
All these faces are flashing through my mind.
Any idea who it could be? Everybody knows Janine's my girl.
Everybody.
So whoever did it has gotta be the lowest of the low.
Bacteria.
Mildew.
I guess I deserve it.
I thought fooling around was cool until Janine did it to me.
I feel like a pig.
A pig who kissed Phyllis maldarelli, but a pig nonetheless.
I'm weak! That's my problem.
I wish I could be like you, doog.
You're this moral iron man.
I'm not as good as you think I am.
Oh, come on, you're practically a Saint.
No, I'm not.
Yes, you are.
You're everything I'm not.
You're dependable, trustworthy, honest, loyal It was me.
I kissed Janine.
She was upset about Phyllis.
I was upset about you asking me to lie.
She started to cry, I gave her a hug, and it just happened.
You're scum.
Just listen to me How could you do this to me? You created this.
What you did to Janine and me stunk.
You don't ask friends to lie for you.
You kissed my girlfriend, and you're giving me a lecture? Vinnie, this is your fault.
You started this.
You're taking the delpino route Blame everyone but yourself.
You sicken me, howser.
Don't push me.
I'll push you if I want to.
I'm bigger than you.
I'm madder than you.
What you going to do, hit me? It's open.
O.
K.
, I've been thinking about this all night, and I've made a decision.
We have to tell Vinnie.
What happened to your eye? I told Vinnie.
Are you crazy? You said we have to tell him.
Well, yeah, but not just like that without consulting me.
He called me a Saint, and it came out.
So he hit you? Yes, Janine.
He was that upset? Yes, Janine.
Did he hit you once or throw himself on you? He pummeled me.
He threw his bony little body on me and stuck his finger in my eye.
Happy? Boy, he must really love me.
Janine, he hit me.
I guess you can't blame him.
You did take advantage of me.
What are you talking about? I was comforting you.
There's comforting and then there's comforting.
Are you crazy? You didn't push away, if I remember.
Well, I was vulnerable.
But I didn't expect you to slip me the tongue.
You opened your mouth.
I had to breathe! I'm not the bad guy here.
If anything, I'm an innocent bystander caught between you two lunatics.
If his nose is broken, he asked for it.
You broke his nose? It was a pretty disorganized fight.
I think I hit his nose.
How could you? You're so much bigger! You're not only a sexual aggressor, you're a bully.
Wait, you're rewriting history I can't get into this now.
Vinnie needs me.
You ought to be ashamed of yourself.
Hey, howser! How did you know where to find me? Remember when I stole your matchbox ambulance? You came to the woods here to pout.
You always had this thing about communing with nature.
By they way, where is the nature? This is it.
They paved the rest over.
Well Everything changes.
Deep, Vinnie.
Don't cop a 'tude.
I'm making an effort.
We've had a lot of fights over the years.
This might be the big one.
The one we never get over.
Might be.
The worst thing is I'm mostly right.
I said mostly.
O.
K.
, we both think we're right.
Point is, do we want to be right or happy? I've already decided for myself.
I want my girlfriend, and I still want my best friend, too.
So I'm sorry I asked you to lie.
Jump in anytime.
I'm sorry I kissed Janine.
This isn't the way we made up at 9.
I'd call you a booger.
You'd call me a snothead.
Then mom would make us grilled cheese sandwiches.
Yeah.
I can see her now In the kitchen Sunlight in her hair Sucking the extra Mayo off her fingers.
Lust was so much simpler back then.
Ahh Growing up is so complicated.
Yep.
Any way out of it? I think we have to be more careful with each other.
So true, doog.
You and Janine o.
K.
? Luckily, you're a lousy kisser.
What do you mean? Janine says you have very dry lips.
You know, I put vaseline on mine every night before I go to bed.
If you ever get another date, you might want to do that.
It's important to follow through with the physical therapy.
It's as important as surgery itself.
Whatever you say, doc.
You're the boss.
Do me a favor, will you? Will you tell him I said goodbye? I will.
You have every right to never forgive him for what he did, but I know how much you wanted a father.
There's still time.
A wise man said, "you can be right or you can be happy.
" It's your choice, ray, but before you decide, ask yourself, if you let him leave now, who pays the biggest price? I just can't, man.