Doogie Howser, M.D. (1989) s03e01 Episode Script

The Summer of '91

Happy birthday to you Come on, doog, make a wish.
O.
K.
, let me think.
Oh, my love My darlin' I've hungered for Your touch A long What's going on? I couldn't sleep.
And time Goes by So slowly And time Can do so much I hope it wasn't a masterpiece.
Not anymore.
Can I help? Sure.
Get them wet.
I need your love You're doing great for your first time.
Really? I was afraid I wouldn't be any good.
No, you're wonderful.
I need your love God speed your love To Me Oh, my love My darlin' I've hungered Hungered for your touch A long Lonely time And time Goes by So slowly Congratulations, sweetheart.
All right, doogie.
Happy birthday, doogie.
Happy birthday, son.
All right, doogie.
18 years.
Yeah, old man howser.
Happy birthday, doogie.
What'd you wish for? If you tell a birthday wish, it won't come true.
Still dreaming your little-boy dreams, hmm? Right.
Well, Dr.
Greenberg, time for the annual spilling of the guts.
You should be happy.
This is the last year I'll interview you.
My study is about child prodigies, and at 18 you no longer fit in that category.
You just noticed? I haven't felt like a child prodigy in a long time.
If you no longer feel like a child, do you feel like a man? Well, in the technical sense of the word No.
Define what you think a man is.
Well, a man is trustworthy And he has sex.
Loyal Lots of sex.
Dependable All day.
Where was I? He's really good at it.
O.
K.
, a man is a lot of things, but he's not a virgin.
Happy? I see.
I don't think you do.
Because you're not one of us.
Vinnie, now he understands.
Did he tell you about his dream? It's a hot, moist night.
I walking down a long, dark tunnel carrying a lady's handbag filled with figs and shellfish.
It's a nice bag Italian leather, gold clasp.
We're here to talk about doogie.
Yeah, we'll get to him in a minute.
I'm a person in turmoil here.
I turn the tunnel corner, all of a sudden, I'm attacked by a slathering wild boar who snatches my lovely handbag.
So, what does it mean? The tunnel, the figs, the shellfish, and the lady's handbag are traditional symbols for the female sexual organ.
The wild boar represents elemental and destructive phallic power.
Yeah? So, what does that mean? It means You have an infantile obsession with sex.
You get paid 100 bucks an hour for that? Sheesh.
I really understand Vinnie.
Hmm.
And that scares me.
Being a virgin is driving me nuts.
It's even starting to affect my work as a doctor.
Any possibility you're exaggerating? O.
K.
, this morning, a woman was brought into the E.
R.
She owns a bar and grill near the hospital.
It seemed everybody knew her, except for me.
Hi, I'm Lover-boy, where have you been? Aren't you a friendly one.
Alice, how's my favorite girl? Ron, it's over between us.
My sweet "blue eyes" is back in town.
I didn't know you two knew each other.
He could teach you about the art of love.
You know what they say Those who can, do.
Those who never have, teach.
Can we have a little decorum here? This is a hospital.
You're right.
We're sorry.
She's all yours.
Ha ha ha.
Go ahead, join the crowd.
Let's all torture the virgin.
Try to keep this in perspective.
I'll give you perspective.
All my life, I've done everything way ahead of the other kids.
I walked first, I talked first.
I potty-trained myself.
Now, when being precocious could really pay off, I'm lagging way behind.
So what's been stopping you? I've been waiting for the perfect moment.
I didn't want two bodies bouncing around somewhere.
I wanted it to mean something.
Here's the situation.
Wanda and I spent the entire summer together.
I love her, she loves me.
Tonight's our last night together.
She's going to art school in Chicago tomorrow.
Here's my plan romance and nostalgia, and 4 we get swept away.
You're planning in advance on getting swept away? I'm banking on it.
Mrs.
sherman has a traumatic subdural hematoma.
I thought she was busting your chops All that lover-boy stuff The way she flirts with everybody.
But she kept asking for you.
I had a talk with her bartender.
She called her ex-husband "blue eyes.
" He died 10 years ago.
The cerebral edema is causing mental confusion.
She thinks you're him.
What? That's right.
She thinks you're her sweet, sweet "blue eyes" The greatest lover she's ever known.
Blue eyes, I thought you deserted me.
I wouldn't do that.
They're operating on my brain in the morning.
There's a dream come true.
If you're with me, I can handle it.
You should rest, Alice.
O.
K.
I'm in room 632.
You'll be there, right? Please, baby.
It's going to be a long night.
Sure.
I'll be there.
Howser, you're off duty.
I'm her doctor.
You're not even who she thinks you are.
Go home, huh? Comb.
Comb.
Breath spray.
Breath spray.
Protection.
Protection.
I'm making up for 18 very lean years, vin.
This is what friendship is all about.
We've done all our major firsts together.
Tonight the mother of all firsts.
Ah, bikini briefs sure do ride up, don't they? But it's worth it, doog.
It's worth it.
This is the underwear that says "here I am.
Love me.
" You've struck out with Janine so many times, what makes you think tonight's different? lost their virginity this summer.
That puts virgins in the minority.
My lambcake's not a leader.
She's a follower.
Now it's my honor No, my sacred duty To put her in with the "in" crowd.
Peer pressure It's a beautiful thing.
Well, good luck, vin.
Tonight we are men.
Hi.
Oh, look at me.
I look a wreck.
You look beautiful.
You always were a lousy liar, honey.
I can only stay for five minutes.
You need your rest.
Honey, listen.
I know about Claire.
Really? What about her? I know you two had an affair.
Oh, boy.
Alice, you don't want to talk about this now.
You're having surgery in the morning.
Why don't you try and get some sleep? There.
Now, isn't that better? I have to talk about it.
I know you felt guilty.
I did.
I felt like a pig.
I know, because you spent the last 30 years trying to make it up to me.
You've been carrying this around for 30 years? Sex It's really something, isn't it? Mmm.
Nothing can bring you closer together or tear you farther apart.
Every time you walked out that door, I knew where you were going.
I thought I was going to die.
I'm sorry I hurt you.
No, I'm not looking for an apology.
If I die tomorrow, I want you to know that I forgave you a long time ago, and I want you to forgive yourself.
Because every time it really mattered, you were there for me Like you're here for me now.
Doogie? Sorry.
Just wanted you to know I was here.
That's o.
K.
Our reservations are at 8:00.
We have plenty of time Wanda Don't do this to me, doogie.
I'm not just doing it to you.
I'm disappointed, too.
Why do I come second? You don't.
Then prove it.
Let's go, doogie.
That's what I thought.
Wanda? What are you doing here? Your father let me in.
He took Maggie to school.
Yeah.
Everybody's always pulling for doogie.
I came to say goodbye.
So you said it.
Goodbye.
Come on, Wanda.
I can't be a doctor just when it's convenient.
If I didn't get to make love with the girl I love, that's the way it is.
You thought we'd sleep together? Yes.
Didn't you? Yes.
For god's sake, doogie, I just want you to put me first once.
That woman was scared.
So am I.
What if I hate Chicago? What if I'm not smart enough for that school? I thought you'd hold me and make me feel safe, and I could take that feeling with me.
As usual, you weren't there for me.
It was a mistake coming here.
Maybe I should just go.
Maybe you should.
Maybe it's better that we didn't do it.
Maybe it is.
We're heading in two different directions.
It's probably wrong to do it when everything's so uncertain.
I guess.
It just seems sad.
I've loved you like no one else for the past two years.
Since my mom died, you're the most important person in my life.
And if I didn't know anything else, I knew the first time should have been with you.
Oh My love My darlin' I've hungered for Your touch A long I'm a little nervous.
I'd never know it.
And time Goes by So slowly And time Can do so much Are you Still mine? I Need your love I Need your love God speed your love To Me Oh, my love My darlin' I've hungered Hungered for your touch So, how did you feel? Confused.
You felt confused afterwards? No.
During.
I mean, I really liked it, but I felt happy, worried, proud, scared, a little nauseous.
I really wish I could remember it more.
Most of the time, I was inside my head, you know, struggling with all these crazy questions.
Is this right? Should I be doing this? Am I doing it right? Is Wanda o.
K.
? So, do you feel like a man now? No.
Having sex made me feel more like a confused kid than before.
What made me feel like a man was sitting up till 2:00 in the morning with that patient.
Well, I guess I have a long way to go before I can claim to be a man.
Dr.
Greenberg, do you ever see the girl you first made love to? Well, Wanda and I are different.
I know a lot of people say that, but we really are.
Well, I think that's an appropriate place for us to finish.
You know, I always grouse about coming here, but, now that it's over, I'm really going to miss these sessions.
I'll miss you, too, Dr.
howser.
Doogie.
Yeah? I think you're a lot closer to being a man than you realize.
Dum da da da dum 'Cause I'm a man Dum da da da da I spell m wow! Dum da da dum A, yeah Dum da dum da dum N You vermin.
What? You don't have sex, so nobody has sex.
Where do you get the ego? Some day I'll know what you're talking about.
Last night I am this close from a bull's eye with my love muffin.
When she gets a call from Wanda: "Boo-hoo, Dr.
doogie stood me up again.
" Janine rushes off to console her friend, leaving me shaking my maracas again.
I'm sorry, Vinnie.
I had an emergency.
And I didn't? At least I'm not a virgin alone.
You are doomed to suffer with me.
Right, vin.
You know, in a strange way, I feel sorry for you.
My primary object of desire is well within walking distance, whereas your sweet potato is winging her way to the windy city.
Unless you've got a technique I've never heard of, I'll hit a home run way before you.
I promise not to gloat, howser.
Heh heh.