Doogie Howser, M.D. (1989) s03e17 Episode Script
If This Is Adulthood, I'd Rather Be in Philadelphia
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
Yes! I don't believe it.
You got them.
Of course I got them.
My cousin Frankie can get anything.
Don't ask how.
Harry connick Jr.
Front row center.
These are going to blow Cecelia away.
You and Cecelia have been pretty hot and heavy these days.
What's it been, a couple of months? Wow.
You know, it is amazing, doog.
On one little operation on her schnozz, she goes from anteater to babe.
Her old nose wasn't that bad, vin.
Her nostrils were like caves.
You could go spelunking in them.
Look, do me a favor.
Whenever she's around, you stare at her nose.
Try and control yourself.
I do not stare at her nose.
Yes, you do.
Just watch it.
I don't stare.
Harry connick Jr.
oh, my god.
Thank you so much.
Right in the front row.
Doogie, this is terrific.
I thought they were sold out tonight.
Harry and I are close.
I called and said, "Harry, babe", how about some seats up front for the doogster?" Paid a bundle, huh? Yeah.
Relax, Vinnie.
It's just a nose job.
What? I'm sorry.
I was staring, but your new proboscis is a work of art.
Thanks.
Just one question, though.
Do you have trouble getting enough air now? Before, you had some real blowholes.
Well, it was hard for a while.
Then I just learned to take extra breaths.
Oh.
Get out of here.
Look, I got to get back to work.
Let's have dinner at micelli's around 7:00.
How about I pick you up at your place? Why don't I meet you there? It'll be easier.
Sure.
O.
K.
"Why don't I meet you there"? It doesn't mean a thing.
Have you ever been to her apartment? I know where she lives.
This is not a good thing.
She's hiding something.
She's married, fooling around, and you're the foolee.
I envy you.
You're crazy, vin.
She's a private person.
I'm not the least bit suspicious.
Is Cecelia home? Yeah.
Mom! What's up, doc? Oh, you wascally wabbit.
O.
K.
, Matthew.
Time for bed.
Wait! Make a dinosaur! Rrrrr! Oh, look! It's the dreaded many-limbed goofasaurus that only likes to gobble up little boys.
Rrrrr! All right, sir.
Now it is really time to go to bed.
Say good night.
Good night, doobie.
No, I said it's doogie, with a g.
Guh.
Guh.
O.
K.
, let's go.
Good night, Matthew.
You've got to get a good night's sleep tonight.
You've got a big day tomorrow.
O.
K.
Good night, bed.
Good night, pillow.
Good night, rug.
Good night, bear.
Good night, light.
Good night, mom.
Good night, sweetie.
He's a great kid.
Why did you come here? I'm sorry I showed up unannounced, but we've gone out for two months, and you've never let me come here.
I was getting paranoid.
I thought you might be living with another guy.
I guess I was right.
Look, why didn't you tell me you had a son? You obviously don't watch donahue or Oprah.
"Single moms A dating nightmare.
" The minute a guy finds out you've got a kid, they're history.
You get a peck on the cheek, and you never hear from them again.
What about his father? We're divorced.
We separated before Matthew was 1.
I came out here to start over.
I'm sorry.
It must be tough.
That must be the sitter.
Then let's go.
We have a date.
What was that for? I just thought I'd disprove that peck on the cheek theory.
I've got you Under my skin I've Oh, so deep in the heart of me Do be do do do So deep in my heart You were always a part of me Ba do be do bop ba do ba I've got you Under Whoa, sorry.
Wait a minute.
Why am I embarrassed? You're going at it at 6:00 in the morning.
I admire your stamina.
Hi, doogie.
I just asked her to marry me.
Yes! I knew it! Congratulations! This is incredible.
Thanks, doogie.
Look, guys, I got to get back to work.
Bye, Ronnie.
Bye, doogie.
Bye, Denise.
Hey, I got to ask you something.
How about being my best man? What about Ron Lucas? I thought you guys were best friends.
He's stuck in Europe on business.
Denise's dad's in the Navy, and he's shipping out, so we're doing this in two weeks.
I know it's short notice, but I'd be honored if you said yes.
Uh, yeah.
Yes.
Absolutely.
I accept.
Great.
This is incredible.
Do you know what this means? The best man gets the tux, holds the ring Throws the bachelor party.
Yeah.
Yeah, this is incredible.
That's right.
A bachelor party.
The one night where grown men get to No, are expected to act like disgusting pigs.
Drinking and smoking till they puke, all the while ogling scantily-clad women who prance merrily before them.
What a lovely tradition.
O.
K.
, o.
K.
We need a room.
No, wait.
We'll have it here.
Oh, good idea, howser.
Maybe your mom can serve finger sandwiches and punch.
O.
K.
, bad idea.
I don't know what I'm doing here, vin.
Leave it to me.
The delpino men are famous for their bachelor parties.
Famous with who, the LAPD? In my family, the function is not considered a success unless the bride calls off the wedding.
Don't touch.
Take one of those.
Merry Christmas.
Whoa.
Whoa.
Look at that haul.
What did you win? This.
His name's Vinnie.
It cost me 20 bucks to win that damn fish.
Hey, Matthew, how about a chocolate chip cookie? O.
K.
, mom, just one.
He's had too much sugar.
Hey, think it's way past somebody's naptime.
He's right.
Let's go home.
I'll see you tonight.
Bye.
Bye, Vinnie.
See you later.
Give me five.
High five.
Low five.
No five.
Bye, doobie.
Doogie.
Doogie with a g.
Guh.
Guh.
Well, I should be going, too.
Are you still joining me and Janine for the movies? I think we'll pass.
We've been leaving Matthew with a sitter too much.
What a responsible daddy.
Huh? Huh? Get out of here.
Cecelia's really terrific.
It's tough being a single mother.
She's so great, mom.
So, uh Where do you see this relationship going? I haven't thought about it.
Why? Well, you seem to take on a very parental role here.
Are you ready for that kind of commitment? Wait a minute.
Cecelia and I are dating.
I'm helping her with Matthew.
What's the big deal? Honey, there are a unique set of problems in dating a woman with a child.
I'm well aware of what I'm getting into.
Thank you very much.
I can handle it.
O.
K.
? O.
K.
That cowgirl's made for a bachelor party.
Oh, she is good.
Excellent use of props.
I think we could use her.
Yee-haw! Maybe we should see more.
Couldn't hurt.
Thank you.
Thank you, miss ponderosa.
We'll let you know.
Next.
Can't touch this can't touch this you can't touch this you can't touch this my my my my you can't touch this music hits me so hard makes me say, oh, my, my then you walk next to me well, it might as well admit feels good when you know you're down super dope homeboy from the uptown you know excites you and this is pure love you can't touch this I told you, homeboy you can't touch this You can't touch this look in my eyes man, you can't touch this Hmm I'll get busted for the lyrics you can't touch this It's a way to go.
Next.
Out of your seat identify, girl, and catch this beat the ball is rollin', hold on let her know what's goin' on like that, like that Bingo.
Bingo.
Aah! I want to go early to set up.
What's to set up? You're having a naked nurse.
You think 10 large pizzas are enough? At first I thought I should have pasta, too.
Then I realized I'd need forks and parmesan.
Is there something they don't tell women? Are you getting graded on this? No.
It's just I've always been a kid surrounded by adults.
It's my first chance to be one of the guys.
You're sweet.
I'm sure it'll be great.
Just keep your hands off the nurse.
I have a dad and a mom.
No, you don't.
I got a mom and dad.
You just have a mom.
I got a mom and doogie.
It's the same thing.
Right, doogie? Who's ready to eat? I got spaghetti-o's.
I got fruit.
I have juice boxes.
Yeah.
I want a grape flavor.
Can I have a peanut butter and jelly Turn my blue heart to red Get over here.
Doctor, doctor, give me the news I got a bad case of lovin' you no pill's gonna kill my pain I got a bad case of lovin' you Ooh, someone's heart is racing.
Be gentle.
It's his first bachelor party.
That's right.
Please, don't take me any higher Now, where's that bachelor boy? Woo! Hang on! Let it happen! Come over here! Ron, it looks like an emergency.
I'm serious.
I thought you guys were doctors.
Kill the music.
Oh, no.
O.
K.
, take it easy, miss, uh, nurse.
What's wrong? Oh, this happened once before.
Where's the pain? Right here.
Ow! Right there.
Just just relax.
Uh, is any one of you a chiropractor? Maybe she's got I think it might be a spasm.
Do you have a history of back problems? Just make sure you ice it.
I hope it's not serious.
It's just pulled.
You probably had a muscle spasm.
You might want to see a physical therapist.
Oh, thanks.
Sorry, guys.
Call me, and we'll reschedule.
O.
K.
See you later.
Take care.
I'm sorry about this, Ron.
Should I try and get my money back? Nah.
Great.
Now what? Anybody want to watch the movie again? You're joking, right? Not really.
Absolutely not.
Nah, I don't think so.
Thanks.
She was kind of nice, huh? I think she actually liked me.
Come on.
She liked everybody, Ron.
You know, coming in here, two women gave me the serious once-over.
Oh, yeah? What do you think that means? It means you're getting serious cold feet.
Didn't it get a little chilly for you life changed forever? Actually, you're down to about 42, Ron.
What if I'm making a mistake? You and Denise are made for each other.
How do I know that? What if the woman I'm supposed to spend the rest of my life with is still out there? Worse yet what if she's married to somebody else? I got to tell you guys.
I'm scared to death.
Well, you're on your own there, Ron.
Nobody here has ever been scared.
Or we've just been too scared to admit it.
I'm about to have my first kid.
Talk about being scared.
How do you know you're ready for fatherhood? You kidding? I'm 34, and I'm still not ready.
I'm dating a woman with a 4-year-old son.
Wow.
Yeah, I know.
I thought I could handle it, but now I'm I don't know.
What don't you know? I mean, things are great.
They're a terrific family.
I'm not sure I'm ready to be a father.
That's understandable.
I wouldn't have been ready at 18.
Yeah.
Me, neither.
But part of me feels like I should grow up and try making this work.
Sometimes being grown up means facing the tough decisions.
He's right, doog.
It's o.
K.
To take care of yourself here.
Do what's right for you.
And what's right for you, Ron? Come on.
To Denise.
To Denise.
All right.
Hear, hear.
Marriage is great.
Did you get her name? You tried enough times.
Hi, doogie.
Want to play trucks? Maybe in a In a minute.
Vroom! Vroom! So how about those Lakers? Look, doogie, I know what you're going to say.
When Matthew said you were like his dad, I didn't have to look at you to know what you were thinking.
I'm sorry, Cecelia.
I'm just not ready for a family.
Hey, I understand.
I wasn't ready for a family at 18, either.
You know, this really sucks.
I know.
None of this would have happened if you'd just been a jerk and dumped me.
I've got an overdeveloped sense of responsibility.
I'm sorry.
Why couldn't I have met you when I was 30? Why couldn't I have met you when I was 18? Come on.
We'll see each other again.
We can still take Matthew to sea world.
I don't think so, doogie.
We should just end it here.
The longer this goes on, the harder it will be when you say goodbye.
All this time I've been protecting myself from men who leave because of Matthew.
It's time I started protecting him.
Look, don't worry.
We'll be o.
K.
If it's o.
K.
With you, I'd like to say goodbye to Matthew.
Yeah.
Vroom! Rrr Hey, pal.
Here.
You can have the red one.
Um, Matthew, I have to say goodbye.
O.
K.
See you later.
No.
I mean, I I have to go away, and What's the matter? Nothing.
Hey, Matthew, how about some hot chocolate? O.
K.
You coming, doobie? No, sweetie, doogie can't come.
Let's go get our stuff.
I'll be right there.
O.
K.
It's o.
K.
I'll talk to him.
Come on.
Yes! I don't believe it.
You got them.
Of course I got them.
My cousin Frankie can get anything.
Don't ask how.
Harry connick Jr.
Front row center.
These are going to blow Cecelia away.
You and Cecelia have been pretty hot and heavy these days.
What's it been, a couple of months? Wow.
You know, it is amazing, doog.
On one little operation on her schnozz, she goes from anteater to babe.
Her old nose wasn't that bad, vin.
Her nostrils were like caves.
You could go spelunking in them.
Look, do me a favor.
Whenever she's around, you stare at her nose.
Try and control yourself.
I do not stare at her nose.
Yes, you do.
Just watch it.
I don't stare.
Harry connick Jr.
oh, my god.
Thank you so much.
Right in the front row.
Doogie, this is terrific.
I thought they were sold out tonight.
Harry and I are close.
I called and said, "Harry, babe", how about some seats up front for the doogster?" Paid a bundle, huh? Yeah.
Relax, Vinnie.
It's just a nose job.
What? I'm sorry.
I was staring, but your new proboscis is a work of art.
Thanks.
Just one question, though.
Do you have trouble getting enough air now? Before, you had some real blowholes.
Well, it was hard for a while.
Then I just learned to take extra breaths.
Oh.
Get out of here.
Look, I got to get back to work.
Let's have dinner at micelli's around 7:00.
How about I pick you up at your place? Why don't I meet you there? It'll be easier.
Sure.
O.
K.
"Why don't I meet you there"? It doesn't mean a thing.
Have you ever been to her apartment? I know where she lives.
This is not a good thing.
She's hiding something.
She's married, fooling around, and you're the foolee.
I envy you.
You're crazy, vin.
She's a private person.
I'm not the least bit suspicious.
Is Cecelia home? Yeah.
Mom! What's up, doc? Oh, you wascally wabbit.
O.
K.
, Matthew.
Time for bed.
Wait! Make a dinosaur! Rrrrr! Oh, look! It's the dreaded many-limbed goofasaurus that only likes to gobble up little boys.
Rrrrr! All right, sir.
Now it is really time to go to bed.
Say good night.
Good night, doobie.
No, I said it's doogie, with a g.
Guh.
Guh.
O.
K.
, let's go.
Good night, Matthew.
You've got to get a good night's sleep tonight.
You've got a big day tomorrow.
O.
K.
Good night, bed.
Good night, pillow.
Good night, rug.
Good night, bear.
Good night, light.
Good night, mom.
Good night, sweetie.
He's a great kid.
Why did you come here? I'm sorry I showed up unannounced, but we've gone out for two months, and you've never let me come here.
I was getting paranoid.
I thought you might be living with another guy.
I guess I was right.
Look, why didn't you tell me you had a son? You obviously don't watch donahue or Oprah.
"Single moms A dating nightmare.
" The minute a guy finds out you've got a kid, they're history.
You get a peck on the cheek, and you never hear from them again.
What about his father? We're divorced.
We separated before Matthew was 1.
I came out here to start over.
I'm sorry.
It must be tough.
That must be the sitter.
Then let's go.
We have a date.
What was that for? I just thought I'd disprove that peck on the cheek theory.
I've got you Under my skin I've Oh, so deep in the heart of me Do be do do do So deep in my heart You were always a part of me Ba do be do bop ba do ba I've got you Under Whoa, sorry.
Wait a minute.
Why am I embarrassed? You're going at it at 6:00 in the morning.
I admire your stamina.
Hi, doogie.
I just asked her to marry me.
Yes! I knew it! Congratulations! This is incredible.
Thanks, doogie.
Look, guys, I got to get back to work.
Bye, Ronnie.
Bye, doogie.
Bye, Denise.
Hey, I got to ask you something.
How about being my best man? What about Ron Lucas? I thought you guys were best friends.
He's stuck in Europe on business.
Denise's dad's in the Navy, and he's shipping out, so we're doing this in two weeks.
I know it's short notice, but I'd be honored if you said yes.
Uh, yeah.
Yes.
Absolutely.
I accept.
Great.
This is incredible.
Do you know what this means? The best man gets the tux, holds the ring Throws the bachelor party.
Yeah.
Yeah, this is incredible.
That's right.
A bachelor party.
The one night where grown men get to No, are expected to act like disgusting pigs.
Drinking and smoking till they puke, all the while ogling scantily-clad women who prance merrily before them.
What a lovely tradition.
O.
K.
, o.
K.
We need a room.
No, wait.
We'll have it here.
Oh, good idea, howser.
Maybe your mom can serve finger sandwiches and punch.
O.
K.
, bad idea.
I don't know what I'm doing here, vin.
Leave it to me.
The delpino men are famous for their bachelor parties.
Famous with who, the LAPD? In my family, the function is not considered a success unless the bride calls off the wedding.
Don't touch.
Take one of those.
Merry Christmas.
Whoa.
Whoa.
Look at that haul.
What did you win? This.
His name's Vinnie.
It cost me 20 bucks to win that damn fish.
Hey, Matthew, how about a chocolate chip cookie? O.
K.
, mom, just one.
He's had too much sugar.
Hey, think it's way past somebody's naptime.
He's right.
Let's go home.
I'll see you tonight.
Bye.
Bye, Vinnie.
See you later.
Give me five.
High five.
Low five.
No five.
Bye, doobie.
Doogie.
Doogie with a g.
Guh.
Guh.
Well, I should be going, too.
Are you still joining me and Janine for the movies? I think we'll pass.
We've been leaving Matthew with a sitter too much.
What a responsible daddy.
Huh? Huh? Get out of here.
Cecelia's really terrific.
It's tough being a single mother.
She's so great, mom.
So, uh Where do you see this relationship going? I haven't thought about it.
Why? Well, you seem to take on a very parental role here.
Are you ready for that kind of commitment? Wait a minute.
Cecelia and I are dating.
I'm helping her with Matthew.
What's the big deal? Honey, there are a unique set of problems in dating a woman with a child.
I'm well aware of what I'm getting into.
Thank you very much.
I can handle it.
O.
K.
? O.
K.
That cowgirl's made for a bachelor party.
Oh, she is good.
Excellent use of props.
I think we could use her.
Yee-haw! Maybe we should see more.
Couldn't hurt.
Thank you.
Thank you, miss ponderosa.
We'll let you know.
Next.
Can't touch this can't touch this you can't touch this you can't touch this my my my my you can't touch this music hits me so hard makes me say, oh, my, my then you walk next to me well, it might as well admit feels good when you know you're down super dope homeboy from the uptown you know excites you and this is pure love you can't touch this I told you, homeboy you can't touch this You can't touch this look in my eyes man, you can't touch this Hmm I'll get busted for the lyrics you can't touch this It's a way to go.
Next.
Out of your seat identify, girl, and catch this beat the ball is rollin', hold on let her know what's goin' on like that, like that Bingo.
Bingo.
Aah! I want to go early to set up.
What's to set up? You're having a naked nurse.
You think 10 large pizzas are enough? At first I thought I should have pasta, too.
Then I realized I'd need forks and parmesan.
Is there something they don't tell women? Are you getting graded on this? No.
It's just I've always been a kid surrounded by adults.
It's my first chance to be one of the guys.
You're sweet.
I'm sure it'll be great.
Just keep your hands off the nurse.
I have a dad and a mom.
No, you don't.
I got a mom and dad.
You just have a mom.
I got a mom and doogie.
It's the same thing.
Right, doogie? Who's ready to eat? I got spaghetti-o's.
I got fruit.
I have juice boxes.
Yeah.
I want a grape flavor.
Can I have a peanut butter and jelly Turn my blue heart to red Get over here.
Doctor, doctor, give me the news I got a bad case of lovin' you no pill's gonna kill my pain I got a bad case of lovin' you Ooh, someone's heart is racing.
Be gentle.
It's his first bachelor party.
That's right.
Please, don't take me any higher Now, where's that bachelor boy? Woo! Hang on! Let it happen! Come over here! Ron, it looks like an emergency.
I'm serious.
I thought you guys were doctors.
Kill the music.
Oh, no.
O.
K.
, take it easy, miss, uh, nurse.
What's wrong? Oh, this happened once before.
Where's the pain? Right here.
Ow! Right there.
Just just relax.
Uh, is any one of you a chiropractor? Maybe she's got I think it might be a spasm.
Do you have a history of back problems? Just make sure you ice it.
I hope it's not serious.
It's just pulled.
You probably had a muscle spasm.
You might want to see a physical therapist.
Oh, thanks.
Sorry, guys.
Call me, and we'll reschedule.
O.
K.
See you later.
Take care.
I'm sorry about this, Ron.
Should I try and get my money back? Nah.
Great.
Now what? Anybody want to watch the movie again? You're joking, right? Not really.
Absolutely not.
Nah, I don't think so.
Thanks.
She was kind of nice, huh? I think she actually liked me.
Come on.
She liked everybody, Ron.
You know, coming in here, two women gave me the serious once-over.
Oh, yeah? What do you think that means? It means you're getting serious cold feet.
Didn't it get a little chilly for you life changed forever? Actually, you're down to about 42, Ron.
What if I'm making a mistake? You and Denise are made for each other.
How do I know that? What if the woman I'm supposed to spend the rest of my life with is still out there? Worse yet what if she's married to somebody else? I got to tell you guys.
I'm scared to death.
Well, you're on your own there, Ron.
Nobody here has ever been scared.
Or we've just been too scared to admit it.
I'm about to have my first kid.
Talk about being scared.
How do you know you're ready for fatherhood? You kidding? I'm 34, and I'm still not ready.
I'm dating a woman with a 4-year-old son.
Wow.
Yeah, I know.
I thought I could handle it, but now I'm I don't know.
What don't you know? I mean, things are great.
They're a terrific family.
I'm not sure I'm ready to be a father.
That's understandable.
I wouldn't have been ready at 18.
Yeah.
Me, neither.
But part of me feels like I should grow up and try making this work.
Sometimes being grown up means facing the tough decisions.
He's right, doog.
It's o.
K.
To take care of yourself here.
Do what's right for you.
And what's right for you, Ron? Come on.
To Denise.
To Denise.
All right.
Hear, hear.
Marriage is great.
Did you get her name? You tried enough times.
Hi, doogie.
Want to play trucks? Maybe in a In a minute.
Vroom! Vroom! So how about those Lakers? Look, doogie, I know what you're going to say.
When Matthew said you were like his dad, I didn't have to look at you to know what you were thinking.
I'm sorry, Cecelia.
I'm just not ready for a family.
Hey, I understand.
I wasn't ready for a family at 18, either.
You know, this really sucks.
I know.
None of this would have happened if you'd just been a jerk and dumped me.
I've got an overdeveloped sense of responsibility.
I'm sorry.
Why couldn't I have met you when I was 30? Why couldn't I have met you when I was 18? Come on.
We'll see each other again.
We can still take Matthew to sea world.
I don't think so, doogie.
We should just end it here.
The longer this goes on, the harder it will be when you say goodbye.
All this time I've been protecting myself from men who leave because of Matthew.
It's time I started protecting him.
Look, don't worry.
We'll be o.
K.
If it's o.
K.
With you, I'd like to say goodbye to Matthew.
Yeah.
Vroom! Rrr Hey, pal.
Here.
You can have the red one.
Um, Matthew, I have to say goodbye.
O.
K.
See you later.
No.
I mean, I I have to go away, and What's the matter? Nothing.
Hey, Matthew, how about some hot chocolate? O.
K.
You coming, doobie? No, sweetie, doogie can't come.
Let's go get our stuff.
I'll be right there.
O.
K.
It's o.
K.
I'll talk to him.
Come on.