Doogie Howser, M.D. (1989) s04e05 Episode Script

The Patient in Spite of Himself

The patient, a white female, exhibits symptoms of a zenker's diverticulum, a proximal out-pouching of the esophagus.
O.
K.
How does this manifest itself? Anyone? Food particles get trapped in the pouch.
The patient can aspirate, choke.
Thank you, Dr.
Spencer.
Correct as usual.
Course of treatment? Anyone? The patient's in good health.
She'd make an excellent candidate for surgery.
She's scheduled tomorrow morning.
I think Dr.
Spencer has neatly summed up yet another case.
Does anyone have any questions? Yes! What is the fiber content of these sheets? Excuse me? These sheets.
It's like sleeping on sandpaper.
You'll want to talk to housekeeping about that.
Have I mentioned how long I've been waiting to be taken to X-ray? Just try and rest.
I was trying to when you came with your looky-loos.
Have a nice day.
Nice day when I get out of this dump.
I'm trying to be professional, but I cannot work with anyone who calls me a looky-loo.
You'll find this next case rather interesting.
A post-op white male, Began experiencing extreme rectal pain on a transatlantic flight.
Came to the E.
R.
from the airport.
The E.
R.
doc incised and drained a pilonidal cyst the size of a tangerine.
And how are we doing today, Dr.
canfield? Could I speak with you for a minute? Yeah, of course.
I thought you were coming alone.
When you checked into this hospital, you made yourself clear You said you wanted absolutely no deferential treatment because of your position here.
I said that? You wanted to be treated like any other patient.
I see.
Does it occur to you that my momentary altruism may simply have been the ravings of a man who'd spent the last 12 hours flying across the Atlantic with his butt on fire? So, you all graduated.
Well, what a proud moment.
I'm sure you've all a multitude of cases to review this morning.
Thanks for stopping by.
Dr.
canfield.
What? We're here to check your drainage.
Well, I'm kind of busy right now.
Maybe later.
Call first.
Doctor, this is a teaching hospital, we can't expect our patients to do anything we wouldn't do, can we? Apparently not.
O.
K.
O.
K.
Let's all gather around.
Gather around real close, and we'll take a good look at that incision.
Um, Dr.
canfield, if you could just kind of Yes.
Isn't she going to make one beautiful bride? Very pretty.
Pretty? She's a goddess.
Look how she laughs.
What's she laughing at? One of the groom's knock-knock jokes.
Where is the groom? He's out there somewhere.
Call me old-fashioned.
Isn't it traditional for both bride and groom to appear in the wedding video? I'll check the framing on my camera.
Maybe it's a little off.
Well, congratulations on your first gig.
"Video visions by Vincent.
Not just another wedding video.
" Snappy.
I sold them on anatomy of a wedding.
See, I'm diving below the surface and burrowing deep into the fiery underbelly of the premarital courtship ritual You know, the awkward first meeting of the in-laws, the groom uncertain whether to buy or rent, the bride slipping on her garter.
This isn't your everyday wedding video.
This is art.
Where did the flyers go up? Ralph's? Market basket.
They had a cleaner bulletin board.
Whoa! I'm supposed to be at Victoria's secret.
I'm documenting the bride picking out her honeymoon pjs.
I ought to be paying them.
I know this sounds amusing, but at the time, I was profoundly miserable.
I did learn that after 25 years of practicing medicine, I had a limited understanding of the ordeal the patient faces.
But I understand now, and the experience will make me a better doctor.
Having said that, call your loved ones, get someone to feed the cat, because for 48 hours you'll be checked in to this hospital as patients.
That's right, people.
I know this is rather sudden.
It's all part of the experience.
Illness strikes suddenly.
Exactly.
Each of you will assume a specific patient profile, which we'll do our best to physically simulate.
For example, we might smear glasses with vaseline to approximate a vision loss, put pebbles in your shoes to simulate arthritis.
Hospital personnel will be instructed to treat you like any other patient.
Excuse me.
Yes, Dr.
Spencer.
I just assumed that Dr.
howser would participate in this program as a patient.
I i can handle this one.
For your information, Dr.
Spencer, as a survivor of childhood leukemia, I've got a good understanding of what it's like on the other side of the stethoscope.
I don't question your understanding of childhood hospitalization, but the issues for an adult are probably different.
Don't you agree, Dr.
canfield? Absolutely.
Dr.
canfield, you can't possibly expect me This is a teaching hospital, Dr.
howser.
We can't very well expect our interns to do anything wewouldn't do Can we? I'm your orderly Mr.
Alexander.
I'm sure you'll be comfortable here, but if there's anything you need I need you to shut up, Raymond.
Oh.
Here we are, Mr.
howser.
I can take it from here.
I have to wheel you into the room.
It's hospital policy.
All of a sudden Mr.
efficient.
Here we go.
What? I'm supposed to help you get into this.
Hey, hey.
You are a 72-year-old male with severe arthritis of the hands and feet and a recent knee replacement.
You know, when this is all over, I'm going to remember everything.
Oh, by the way, the opening goes in the back.
Who's there? Who is that? Oh, my god, no! Doctor Ain't there nothing I can take I said, doctor To relieve this bellyache? I said, doctor Ain't there nothing I can take I said, doctor I called the doctor up and said, doctor Ain't there nothing I can take I said, doctor To relieve this bellyache? I said, doctor Ain't there nothing I can take I said, doctor To relieve this bellyache? I said, ooh Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh Ooh, ooh, ooh Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh Ooh, ooh, ooh Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh Ooh, ooh, ooh I prefer not to be woken up to be given a sleeping pill.
I said, doctor Ain't there nothing I can take I said, doctor To relieve this bellyache? I said, doctor Ain't there nothing I can take I said, doctor You can call me in the morning, Whoo I'm not accusing anyone, but my comb is missing.
Whoo Ain't there nothing I can take I said, Whoo Whoo To relieve your bellyache? He said Yah Ain't there nothing I can take I said wah To relieve this bellyache? I said, doctor Ain't there nothing I can take I said, doctor Ain't there nothing I can take I said, doctor Ain't there nothing I can take The sink in my bathroom is constantly dripping.
Drip, drip, drip, drip, drip, drip, drip, drip.
A-a-are you writing these things down? I'm sorry.
Did you say something? Okey-dokey.
Din-din.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Wait a minute.
I ordered tapioca.
They must be out.
Sorry.
I'm sorry? That's it? Sorry Sir? Look, I have been poked, prodded, probed, left waiting for hours in drafty hallways, and in general, humiliated and neglected.
Am I being paged? As pathetic as this may sound, the highlight of my pathetic day in this pathetic place is dinner, and the highlight of that pathetic dinner is one pathetic dish of tapioca pudding! I want my tapioca! Look They're out.
Don't you dare walk out that door! This man is crippled with arthritis.
Hasn't he suffered enough? He's a human being! He deserves the dessert of his choice.
Now get it! O.
K.
O.
K.
! I'm gone.
I'm going.
Sweetheart, I was hungry.
Can you believe this guy? He's like the Gerald Ford of grooms.
I love this part.
Watch this.
Watch out for that sprinkler! This is a hospital room, not a cineplex.
Ignore her.
She wants attention.
I heard that.
So what's she look like? Whoa! What's your medical profile? I'm a 68-year-old widow with cataracts, arthritis, and a hip replacement.
Any history of mental illness? Is this your best friend? Figures.
Oh, did you hear that? Widow, huh? Her husband probably died just to get away.
It's time to hobble down this hallway and find someone who will kick you out of this hospital.
Your gown's untied.
Rodent.
I can't take much more of this.
All you got to do is lie in bed and pretend you're sick.
That's how I got through high school.
So, what do you think? Honestly.
Honestly? Well, I still think you're focusing way too much on the bride.
The groom's in every frame.
He looks like a jerk.
This is a documentary.
He is a jerk.
What does she see in him? You're not the one who's marrying him.
Can you imagine waking up to that geek the rest of your life? Making his breakfast, darning his tube socks, having his children? Ugh.
Vinnie, you're getting way too close to the subject.
What are you talking about? You're bonding with the bride.
O.
K.
, Mr.
howser.
Time for your physical therapy.
That was supposed to be two hours ago.
Your infirmity's not getting in the way of that sense of humor.
Yeah.
So what they do is, they freeze-dry your bouquet and encase it in this airless lucite block thing, and it can stay that way forever, in perpetuity.
Bonding with the bride.
Why must you save everything from your wedding forever? It's like you have this huge expensive party, and you better remember everything because nothing that good will ever happen again.
I mean, Janet, think about it The same guy from here on out.
No more adventures.
And what about passion? I mean, no one can be spontaneous forever.
You really flipped out this afternoon.
You didn't waste time throwing in your 2 cents, either.
Any excuse for a fight, huh, Spencer? I know you're a guy, but it's o.
K.
To be vulnerable.
You don't have to get defensive.
And you don't have to bulldoze people just to prove you're a good doctor.
Can I get some sleep, please? I didn't know you had leukemia.
It's it's o.
K.
I mean, I'm o.
K.
Statistically, I've survived long enough now It looks as though you've never had it.
Why do you do that? What? Interrupt.
You never let me finish a sentence.
I don't know.
It's a bad habit.
Break it.
Sorry.
Is anything darker than a hospital room at night? Must have been scary for a kid.
I don't remember sleeping much.
I could handle it during the day, but At night Anyway, those feelings, you know, they never go away.
You can try and forget them or conquer them by becoming a doctor.
I knew you'd say that.
I wasn't.
I was not going to say it.
Oh.
I'm impressed.
I'm the last person to pick apart somebody's motives for becoming a doctor.
Sometimes I think I became one out of spite.
That's it? I spill my guts to you, and that's all you say? O.
K.
When I told my family I wanted to become a doctor, uh I guess I was around 12, and They all laughed.
My father said he'd become a ballerina before I became a doctor.
This is totally weird.
What do you mean? We're supposed to be empathizing with our patients.
Not each other.
So I guess we screwed up.
Yeah.
O.
K.
, honey.
It's almost that time.
Well, I'm going to go check the guests.
Everything o.
K.
? Yeah, daddy.
Just come back, o.
K.
? Uh, Karen? Uh-huh.
I love you.
Excuse me? Ahem.
Uh, I kind of have a lazy tongue.
What I said was, "I love you.
" What? Don't marry him.
I can give you everything he can't Passion, spontaneity.
Hey, what's more spontaneous than this, huh? Look, I know you, and I know you got doubts, so don't do this, o.
K.
? What is your name again? Uh, Vinnie.
Does this mean I'm fired? Put the camera down.
Thank you, Vinnie.
You are my last true great adventure, and I'll remember this kiss forever.
Ready, baby? I'm ready.
Aren't you supposed to follow us? If I'd wanted five thermometers, I would have bought five thermometers And at these prices, at Tiffany's.
Now let me see your supervisor.
Mrs.
mickling? Yes.
We want you to know we realize that being a patient is frustrating, especially for someone as Independent as yourself.
What Dr.
howser is trying to say is we understand how you feel.
You're dealing with issues of vulnerability And that it's o.
K.
Oh, please.
Go peddle your new-age crap to some ashram or something.
Want to make me feel better? Help me pay this bill.
Now where's this supervisor I'm asking for? Will I have to chain myself to this desk? You think I'm joking? She kissed you? I wasn't meant to be a documentary filmmaker.
I wasn't professional, I lost my objectivity, I got involved.
No way.
She didn't kiss you.
Doog, maybe you had sex Made love.
Whatever.
But I was chosen to be the sole companion on a beautiful bride's last great adventure.
That's going to stay in my mind for a long, long time.