Doogie Howser, M.D. (1989) s04e08 Episode Script

Nothing Compares 2 U

Hey, doogie, come sign up for softball.
No, no, it's boring.
It's tedious.
I'm lousy.
I have no motivation to play.
How's she for motivation? Take me out to the ballgame Take me out to the crowd Buy me some peanuts and crackerjack So, softball.
Got to love it.
It's the chewing, the spitting, scratching.
No better way to spend a Saturday.
Softball? I hate softball.
I signed up for the food drive.
Saturdays I take my dog to the park on los Feliz.
It's our quality time.
Quality time I like that.
Not enough people spend quality time with their pets.
Well, got to go.
I guess that's why there are so many animal runaways.
I can't believe I let you talk me into borrowing a dog, especially this one.
Looks like an old dust mop with legs.
Doog, doog, doog, it's a simple law of nature.
You want the girl, the girl likes mutts, ergo snuggle up to the mutt and reap the female harvest.
It's twisted thinking, vin But it makes perfect sense to me.
Laura, what a surprise.
Doctor howser, what are you doing here? Please, call me doogie.
Introduce your dog.
And this is monty.
Hi, cutie.
You never mentioned your dog.
He's very protective of their relationship.
You know, high-profile doctor, dognappers.
You can understand his reluctance.
Oh, by the way, this is Vinnie.
Yeah, he's nuts about canines.
Man's best friend, right, monty? Isn't that adorable? They even do little jokes together.
They do everything together.
They even share the same bed.
Vinnie Really? Missy sleeps with me, too.
Same with him and monty.
You should see them snoozing nose-to-nose, Vinnie Monty's drool forming a little wet spot, the tail against his thigh That's it.
I can't lie.
Laura, monty's not my dog.
I borrowed him.
This is my fault.
Um, I thought bringing the pooch would be the perfect entrée to meeting members of the opposite gender.
You did this to meet girls? As much as I hate to admit it, yes.
Yes, we did.
That's so cute.
Really? Hey, it's hard meeting people these days.
So, you guys borrowed a dog.
No biggie.
Although I don't know how you couldn't want to own something so precious.
Don't get me wrong.
I like him.
I've always pictured myself kind of a dog person.
I mean Your wipe, my lord.
Hey, hey, hey! What are you doing? Come on, you guys.
They have no shame.
Can I talk to you Alone? Sure.
Hey, don't worry.
I'll mind the kids.
Hey, hey, cut that out.
I'm really glad you showed up.
Me, too.
I want to ask you something, but I i don't want you to think I'm being too forward.
Me? Oh, no, I-I'm a very forward person myself.
Forward's good.
Uh I don't know All of a sudden, I'm Embarrassed.
No, no, no.
Just say it.
Go on.
Do you think Vinnie would go out with me? I think he's really, really cute.
Ladies and gentlemen, introducing the newest member of our trauma team At 6 feet, 215 pounds, having finally passed the e.
Exam after two grueling attempts, Raymond "what was that question again?" Alexander.
All right! Woo-woo! Congratulations, ray.
Yeah, you really look the part.
Every inch the professional.
Alexander I supervise over 2,000 employees in this hospital, and quite frankly I'm as proud of you as any of them.
Thank you very much, sir.
traffic accident, blunt abdominal trauma.
All right, let's get him in here.
BP was 130 over 40.
Pulse, 100.
Ready? Let's move him.
EKG's normal.
Pulse, 98.
Let's see how he does without the mass suit.
No, not the leg! You'll bottom out the pressure.
Here, let me get it.
, all right, that's better.
Let's get the cbc and clear for c-spinal.
She thinks I'm cute? She thinks you're "really, really cute," and she wants to go out with you.
You're too kind, o benevolent one.
Yes! Will this affect our friendship? 'Cause if it does I'm fine with it.
I thought she was attractive, but, you know, I'll deal with it.
It took you 24 hours to tell me.
Vinnie, I have a lot on my mind, and your love life is not foremost in my thoughts.
I've been a prince about this.
Now fork over her number.
I'm too sexy for my shirt Too sexy for my shirt So sexy it hurts Laura.
Vincent delpino.
Yeah, Vinnie.
Well, I'm happy you're happy I called, too.
How could I resist phoning a winsome creature as lovely as yourself? Hold on.
Doog, you got a sparkling calistoga with lemon? Fresh out.
What's that? Oh, you don't mean that.
Come on, stop.
Stop it! Okay, you're right.
You happen to be pretty darn adorable yourself.
I don't believe it.
Oh, really? With those resplendent baby blues.
You ought to be in the movies.
I should know, 'cause I'm an up-and-coming filmmaker.
Time to find out who's the bigger stud.
We'll start with Mike.
According to these ladies, which of you would please a woman in every way? I'd have to say it's me.
Ladies? Bobby.
Well, what can I say? All the delpino men have incredibly thick hair.
It's a genetic thing, that's why.
How many fingers am I holding up? Let's keep going, finding out who's the biggest stud.
Dogie Doogie, doogie.
According to these ladies, which of you would please a woman in every way? You or Vinnie? Well, with all due respect to Vinnie, I'd have to say me.
Ladies? Vinnie.
That's got to sting.
Why would you say that, Laura? Isn't it obvious? He's more sensitive.
He has a great sense of humor.
And that beautiful Italian hair.
She's got taste.
By the time you guys are 40, which will be more successful, you or the doctor? That is a hard one.
But likewise, with all due respect, I'd have to say yours truly.
He says it's him.
Ladies? Vinnie.
I'm a doctor.
Even though he's a doctor, why would you say Vinnie? I chose Vinnie because I think he's brilliant, and one day he'll win an academy award.
Linda? He has success written all over him.
And Laura.
Anybody can be a doctor.
Stop! This is ridiculous! Why would any woman choose him over me? I'm better looking, I'm taller.
I earn a great living.
I'm fluent in seven languages.
Vinnie can't even speak English! You know you'd rather go out with me.
- No.
- No way.
- Wrong.
- Forget it.
Can you slap some sense into these people? It's your show.
If the truth be known, i i would pick Vinnie, too.
That's it.
End this fantasy right now.
Hey! No, don't! Turn it off.
Howser! What? Laura thinks you're nice.
Would you double with her roommate? Nice.
Yeah, doog's in.
Get me some tubes to draw some blood.
He's apneic, let's intubate him.
Laryngoscope? And a number 8 e.
Have the ambubag standing by.
Come on, guy, hang in there.
This is to control your breathing.
Pull the stylet out.
Ray, pull the stylet out.
Inflate the cuff.
Hey, ray.
How's it going? It's going.
You were a little Tentative in the E.
Diane just beat me to the punch, that's all.
You were right there, man.
Look, it, uh, won't go further than this room.
Diane's got two years of college.
Brian was a medic in the Gulf war.
And Pete scored a perfect Then there's me.
Ex-gangbanger, ex-con.
I get my high school diploma through the mail, and I barely pass the e.
Test on my second try? Yeah, but none of that matters.
The important thing is you're a qualified e.
Am I? If you weren't, I wouldn't let you near my patients.
Come on, stop psyching yourself out, ray.
Let your training take over.
Trust yourself.
I do.
Dining sans footwear.
I like it.
Reminds me of home, but this place has class written all over it.
Far eastern cuisine is a personal favorite.
I'm something of a gastronome.
You know how painful that can be.
Arigato gozaimasu.
You speak Japanese? Oh, yeah.
I also speak Spanish, Russian, French, Italian, some Portuguese, and a smattering of mandarin.
I'm glad we came here.
I'm going to have Sushi.
Actually, I ordered earlier.
This meal is referred to as kai seki.
It's 11 courses and takes hours to prepare.
In Japan it's considered an honor.
How much is this honor going to set me back? Don't worry, vin, I'm getting it.
Whoa! Let the kai sekibegin! One holds the chopsticks like so.
Just dig and Mmm.
To master the chopsticks is to respect the culture.
It's a sign of sensitivity.
Oh, no, no, I'm sorry, joy, but Japanese etiquette dictates that the gohan, the rice, is only to fill 1/5 of the bowl.
You finish that and fill it up again.
Now that our meal has reached its conclusion, one final custom remains.
Ah, the signing of the honorable mastercard.
The drinking of green tea.
This dates back to the 12th century, where it was originated under the influence of buddhism.
The Japanese referred to it as cha no ya.
When translated this simply means "hot water for tea.
" It's also sometimes referred to as sa do, which means "the way of tea.
" The traditional tea ceremony Doog.
Doog? - I'm not finished.
- This can't wait.
Where the little samurais' room? It's, uh, to the back and make a left.
Show me.
Howser As your friend, how can I put this delicately? You're shooting blanks out there.
What do you mean? You're working too hard.
Let your hair down.
This is a date, not a seminar.
I don't believe this.
One lousy girl picks you over me, and suddenly you're Warren beatty with advice? Whoa, whoa.
Hold on.
Do I detect jealousy? Give me a break, Vinnie.
So the leopard has finally revealed his spots.
You're thinking, "why would any woman in her right mind" choose me over you?" You couldn't be more wrong.
It never crossed your mind? Never, not even once.
But it does beg the question, doesn't it? The answer's right in front of you.
What? The "x" factor.
The "x" factor? That's right, the delpino charm.
You can't learn it, you can't buy it.
It's a gift From god.
Oh, please.
That's I'm just saying this 'cause I'm your best friend.
You're acting like a jerk.
There's only one jerk here, and it's not me.
You'll have to excuse my friend.
He's blowing it with his date.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I've lost several women myself.
It's not easy.
Trust me.
I am not losing a woman.
She's having a great time.
I really have to go home.
I've got homework, and My room is a mess, and I really, really have a bad headache, and You're obnoxious.
Hey, ray.
I hear you set a record.
You've worked two full shifts without actually touching a patient.
It's probably a good thing.
If you don't touch 'em, you can't kill 'em.
Right, ray? Angle it up here.
There? Yeah.
Nick! Are you all right? Nick! Nick.
Nick! Go to the phone.
Tell them to call code blue.
Fifth east stairwell.
Go, go! Don't go out on me, Nick.
Don't go out on me.
Look who's here.
The shogun of good will.
What are you doing here? I'm meeting Laura for lunch.
So if you'll excuse me Fine.
, look, here it is.
Um, she chose you over me, and I was, uh Jealous.
Uh-huh, and And I set up an evening that I thought would make me look great, and you'd look like a slug.
But instead But instead, I, uh Came off looking like a pompous ass.
Therefore Therefore there is no therefore, Vinnie.
What more do you want? Admit that as far as girls are concerned, I'm coming into my own.
We're getting older, meeting more mature women with sophisticated tastes.
They don't go for just the obvious good looks and deep pockets.
, vin, you're right.
I guess I was too proud to accept it.
Thank you.
I know this is tough for you, but it's only going to get worse.
But, hey, don't worry.
I'll send you my overflow.
Bless you, vin.
Your fly's open.
Get outta here.
Congratulations, man.
Excuse me.
Doogie, did you hear? Ray saved Nick's life.
Yeah, I heard.
Aren't you going to congratulate him? Why? It's his job, isn't it? Yes! Yes! Yes, ray, I'm so proud of you! Oh, baby!