Doogie Howser, M.D. (1989) s04e14 Episode Script

Spell It 'M-A-N'

I dated this girl once.
She had a fetish for doctors.
She had creative ideas for tongue depressors.
Doctor, please.
This is a pg-13 locker room.
Come on, guys.
I'm not gonna go home and play with my train set.
Howser's got his own place now.
I heard he's doing rounds with nurse Faber.
No way.
She's too much woman for him.
She's coming to my place tonight for dinner.
- I'm cooking.
- Cooking? If you don't mess up completely even if you do, they are putty in your hands.
- What are you making? - Pasta.
- Cream sauce? - I don't know yet.
Could be cream sauce.
Could be puttanesca.
Puttanesca on the first date.
Actually, it's our third.
- Three dates? - Yeah.
When did this happen? Why haven't I been informed? - It's only been a couple weeks.
- Uh-oh.
- Crunch time.
- No kidding.
If you haven't docked by the third date, abandon ship.
So, doctor, are you ready to put to sea? Is your hull scrubbed? Is your spar upright? Aye, aye, captain.
Michele, hi.
Let me take your blouse Uh, your coat.
Uh, blouse-coat.
It's incredible.
You spend all day healing the sick, saving lives.
Then you come home and cook penne pasta puttanesca.
I try to stay three-dimensional.
I'm working on a fourth dimension.
And you're funny, too.
What, do I have schmutz on my cheek? Yeah.
Right Oh.
I'm sorry.
I'm the world's messiest eater.
- What are you doing? - What? I feel like you're putting a move on me.
Really? Maybe I'm just being paranoid.
Oh, but some men Ohh.
I invited this guy in for coffee once.
I go into the kitchen for half-and-half.
When I come back, this jerk is standing there in my living room completely naked.
What a pig.
Yeah, I hate that, you know, when a guy tries to get you into bed on the second or third date.
There seems to be some rule.
By the third date, it's fish or cut bait.
Ha! Men! Yeah.
I know exactly what you're saying, 'cause there are some guys at the hospital, they treat women like conquests, like like sexual trophies.
So Want to play monopoly? That movie said women don't know what they want, so what hope do men have? Who needs movies? We're living it.
Men and women don't want different things.
They just have different means of getting it.
Women are driven by feeling.
Men are driven by action.
Mark is one of the few students here who isn't a complete hemorrhoid.
Thanks, Vinnie.
Knowing I'm only a partial hemorrhoid makes me flush with pride.
Let me get my wallet and treat you to pizza.
I don't believe it.
Now he's parked his scooter in here! Glauberman, you scum! You're worse than scum.
You're the carbuncle on the backside of humanity.
Love you, too, delpino.
He's flossing.
It's disgusting.
Now, there's nothing wrong with flossing.
There is when you have to investigate what you dig out.
If it's really choice, he shows it to me.
I can't take him anymore.
My roommate's transferring.
If you want, you can move in.
Seriously? He'll be out by Friday.
I love this guy! I love you, too, Vinnie.
So Dinner? Abdominal tap was negative.
Bowel sounds are good.
We'll check these x-rays.
Hi, doogie.
Hi, Michele.
Nurse Faber looks rather lovely today.
Kind of a glow, wouldn't you say, bill? I thought she was positively emanating, les.
And Dr.
howser looks absolutely incandescent.
Come on, guys.
No free air.
Everything's normal.
Changing the subject.
That doesn't bode well.
It was fine.
We had a really nice date.
It was great.
We had a great time.
I cooked her dinner.
She loved the pasta.
We laughed.
We talked for hours.
It was Struck out.
Told you she was too much woman for him.
I didn't say that.
Well, what are you saying? I'm not a guy who needs to brag about his conquests.
Conquests? As in conquests? Let's just say a man who is secure in his accomplishments doesn't have to talk about them.
Secure in his accomplishments! All right! Way to go, howser! Yeah! You studly man! Ooh! I do not believe this.
Graduated from Princeton at 10.
Youngest doctor in the United States.
Articles published in dozens of medical journals.
And what does he need to feel he's an accomplished man? The myth that he plunked me one night.
What's with men? Is it the ego thing? Of course.
They're walking ego things.
Actually, it's the ID thing The dark, scummy side of every man's soul, presupposing they have souls.
Here he comes.
Hi, doctor.
What a toad.
Just look at him.
He's actually swaggering.
Ugh! It's pathetic.
You should go and confront him.
I could do that Not stoop to his level, deal with him like an adult.
I've died and gone to heaven.
If there's anything you don't like, you can move it.
What's not to like? It couldn't be better.
I stand corrected.
Hi, Becky.
How was your genre test? Easy, thanks to your notes.
Meet my new roommate Vinnie.
Becky is majoring in getting a film degree without ever actually attending a class.
Speaking of which, I need a teeny favor.
Don't tell me.
Fellini? I can't keep those dream sequences straight.
You know where my notes are.
I'll grab that last box.
So, uh You like fellini? No.
I hate him.
I'm more of a kurosawa fan.
Oh, really? I love kurosawa.
As a matter of fact, I'm going to a kurosawa festival this weekend.
Is that an invitation? 'Cause I'd love to go.
Well, I appreciate your being charmed at my love for the Japanese cinema.
I don't want to create any friction between you and mark.
- Me and mark? - Yeah.
Oh, we're not dating.
Oh, you're not? No.
Mark's gay.
You mean, like he's got a happy disposition? Ha ha ha ha.
Ha ha ha ha.
You are funny.
Oh, god.
Oh, god.
Oh, god! We live in the desert.
There's a water shortage.
Doog, this shower has to last me all week.
I ain't taking my clothes off in that room.
I didn't sleep a wink all last night.
Every time I closed my eyes, I kept seeing a remake of la cage aux folles, starring me in something with feathers.
I didn't know he was gay.
Did you know? He's probably not the only guy in your school who's gay.
He's the only person in my room who's gay.
Well, does he have You know, a significant other? Yeah.
He's in love with me.
Let's not mince words.
You're kidding.
He said he loved me.
You heard him.
That's right.
Of course You did say you were in love with him first.
I did? Oh, my god, I led him on.
I'm a tease.
This isn't funny! He asked me to shack up.
Well, Vinnie, if you're really worried about it, why don't you talk to him? No, no way.
What do I say? Say you think he's a really nice guy, but you're saving yourself for someone with mammaries.
Unless Unless what? Mark's a very perceptive guy.
Maybe he sensed some instinct in you that you've yet to recognize in yourself.
Hello, Dr.
How's the urology business? Up and down, I guess.
One of the most frustrating aspects is how many people we can help if they could get over their embarrassment and come forward.
I assume.
Nothing to be ashamed of.
Absolutely not.
Over 90% of men have a sexual dysfunction at some time in their lives.
I can help you, son.
My private number.
So, who's in the mood for an aortic aneurysm? Uh, you know, doogie, before my wedding night, I never had a problem with, uh Anything.
But that night, I don't know if it was the champagne or nerves I just couldn't Perform.
You know what I mean? I'm sorry to hear that, Ron.
Um I just got this urologist's number.
There's no need to hide anything.
We're your friends.
Nobody will ridicule you.
We're brothers.
What are you talking about? You're impotent.
I heard he was too quick out of the gate.
I heard it was an all-around sexual identity problem.
Doogie, which is it? Well, it's not none! I'm not impotent.
I have no sexual dysfunction whatsoever.
Don't do this, man.
Don't retreat into denial.
Okay, we're at five minutes.
Let's scrub, gentlemen.
- Are you all right? - I'm fine.
Thank you.
Son, incontinence is not a life sentence.
Hi, speedy.
Nurse Faber, could I speak with you for a minute, please? Certainly, doctor.
You have completely humiliated me.
You spread malicious rumors to my colleagues.
These are people I work with.
Well, I would think that someone who's so secure in his accomplishments wouldn't particularly care what other people say about him.
I didn't say anything specific.
Well, that's just the problem.
, look, even if I did mislead people inadvertently O o.
, advertently At least I painted you in a positive light.
I guess I should thank you, even if I am a little confused as to how sleeping with you paints me in a positive light.
Look, nothing I do will stop this adolescent locker room talk.
It's not like it'll ruin my life.
I'm just Disappointed.
Thought I was a better judge of character.
To find her operation.
Come look at this old western they've colorized.
The Duke's face looks like the color of smoked salmon.
I'm not falling for that.
What? You're going to make me say it? Uh, say what? I know you're in love with me.
I know you're gay.
Don't deny it.
I won't deny I'm gay, but I take exception to the notion that I'm in love with you.
Why? You're a great guy, but I'm not attracted to you.
But you said you loved me.
As a friend.
I'm not physically attracted to you.
You're not? Is it my height? What? Am I too short? This is getting really weird.
You're right.
I'm sorry.
Uh, look, mark, o.
, I'm going to be totally honest with you now.
I'm batting zero in the trysting department.
I don't intend to go through film school a virgin.
It's hard enough for me to attract women without rumors flying around that I'm a A homosexual.
Can we euphemize here? You want to move out? Is that what you're saying? Look, you're a good friend, but the thing is, I would have a problem with the When the, uh Women's garments came out.
Vinnie, we're not all transvestites.
We're not all promiscuous.
I wear flannel shirts, and I'm into monogamy.
At least I would be, if I ever found the right guy to be monogamous with.
I'm in the same boat as you.
Well, you mean you never been with anyone? How do you know you're gay? How do you know you're not? I just know.
Same here.
But, you know, maybe we should reconsider.
When people find out that you're my roommate, they'll think I'm straight.
That could seriously impair my social status.
I get the point.
The hell with what other people think.
It's not easy being a rugged individualist.
Are we friends? Yeah.
Are we roommates? Yeah.
Hey, mark, want to go shoot some pool? Sure.
Uh This is my new roommate.
Vinnie delpino, and I'm a practicing heterosexual.
Somebody ask for these x-rays? Thank you, nurse Faber.
Michele, on behalf of my porcine colleagues and I, I'd like to say I'm really, really, really Really sorry.
Guys, let's head over to the cafeteria, sniff out some truffles.
Um I've always been the youngest in the room, so I guess I was a little eager to be one of the guys.
That's not an excuse.
That's just an explanation.
Doogie, your considerable charm lies in not being one of the guys.
And it is considerable.
That's good to know.
Um Listen, how would you, uh Feel about another date? It wouldn't be at my place.
We'd go out.
Have have drinks.
Not alcoholic.
You're really afraid to offend me, aren't you? Yes, I am.
I've totally terrorized you, haven't I? Yes, you have.
I think I'm going to enjoy this.
Really? Leonardo Da Vinci.
Him, too? Boy, those renaissance types.
Lawrence of Arabia.
Get out of here.
I could understand that.
The bedouin look so very dashing on their camels.