Doogie Howser, M.D. (1989) s04e17 Episode Script

Love Means Constantly Having to Say You're Sorry

Our assignment is to dub in a new soundtrack to an old movie.
You know, stuff like footsteps, the wind howling, the angry mob.
His breathing seems a little heavy, doesn't it? Hey, he's a wolfman.
He's about to sprout unsightly body hair.
You'd be hyperventilating, too.
I like a man with hair on his back.
Oh, yeah? And his chest.
Ahh.
And his forehead.
So what do you want to do next? Let's to the angry mob.
One angry mob comin' up.
Maybe Maybe barking dogs would be better.
They always have hounds in these movies.
Vinnie, do you find me attractive? Get out.
Are you kidding? Laura, you are beautiful.
You're perfect.
Vinnie, we've been going out over a month now.
We spend all of our time together, and well, you're just always so polite.
Well, is that bad? No, that's good.
It's just that every time things Progress You stop.
I thought maybe it was me.
Well, look, in the past I've been accused of being a little aggressive.
I don't want to blow it with you.
Well, you're definitely not blowing it with me.
In fact, your politeness is very sexy.
It is? Mm-hmm.
Well, in that case, from this moment forward, I will be nothing but a complete and utter gentleman.
Fine with me.
Dive, dive! This is not a drill.
Dive, dive! This is not a drill.
Dive, dive! Dive, dive! This is not a drill.
Yes, and the final leg of our tour took us through central and south American rain forests of Belize, Peru, and Brazil.
There are people who may think, "do we need another star stumping for a cause?" Over 50 million acres of rain forest disappear every year, along with them plant species that might provide cures for everything from cancer to aids.
That's why I'll be visiting hospitals here in Los Angeles To drum up a little support from the medical community.
Hey, vin.
Douglas.
Noticing anything different about me? I don't know.
You're annoying me a little earlier than usual? Good guess.
I'll give you a hint.
Last night I became a man, and it wasn't my bar mitzvah.
Yes.
Oh, lucky condom.
Parting was such sweet sorrow.
Yes! Yes! Oh,mazel tov, vin! Thanks, doog.
It was incredible.
Like, at one point, it was like my soul was lifted from my body and swept down this long, dark tunnel and drawn into this brilliant bright light.
You're describing a near-death experience.
You've been there.
Whew! This Laura is really something special.
We're not talking puppy love here.
This is the real deal.
Well, I'm happy for you, man.
I mean, she's intelligent, brilliant, beautiful Sensitive.
And when it was all over and I started crying, she just held me.
You you cried? Yeah, doesn't everybody? She's everything I've always dreamt of in a woman, and I've dreamt of a lot of women.
Can something this good last? Why me? Oh, I'm gonna take her someplace special tonight, tell her how I'm feeling.
Yeah, sure.
Great.
Thank you.
Vinnie, what are you doing here? Just thought I'd surprise you.
That's so sweet.
Hi, doogie.
Morning, Laura.
Hey, blue eyes, don't be late for class.
I won't.
Hey, Laura.
Dr.
howser.
Hi, eliot.
Eliot's in the nursing program.
Pleasure meeting you.
Does she know any women here? Did you guys read the review of Robin Williams' new movie? It sounds great.
I'm going tonight.
I love Robin Williams.
Vinnie, let's go tonight, too.
Uh, I can't.
I got to work On a film.
Why don't you go with eliot? No, that's o.
K.
I'll wait for you to go.
Don't be silly, honey.
Just go.
It'll be fun.
You sure you don't mind? Nah.
Of course not.
O.
K.
I'll go.
Great.
I'll see you in class.
Wait.
I'll walk with you.
I'll call you tomorrow.
O.
K.
It's over.
What the hell was that all about? You're not busy tonight.
It was a test of Laura's commitment to our relationship, a test she failed miserably.
What are you, a moron? You test your eyesight.
You test the air in your tires.
You never, ever test a girlfriend.
Doog, I got to face facts.
I'm not man enough for her.
Vinnie, listen to me.
That woman made love with you.
Hmm.
You.
There's a reason for that.
You're intelligent.
You're fun-loving.
You're more than enough man for her.
I can't believe I'm saying this.
You're right.
You know, you're right.
I'm an attractive man.
She made love to me, nobody else.
Come on.
I got nothing to worry about.
I've read a quarter of all prescription medicines are derived from rain forest plants.
True.
Even more incredible is that less than 1% of all tropical plants species have ever even been analyzed for medical purposes.
Sorry.
Could she get some water? Did I tell you to get this checked days ago? Yes.
Did you listen? No.
Agents.
Kelly! Get me a crash cart stat! Ms.
Phillips? Dr.
canfield, can you make a statement? Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for your Patience.
I'll let Dr.
Douglas howser answer your questions.
He's in charge of her case.
All we know now is Ms.
Phillips has a high fever, mild conjunctivitis, and she's developed an unusual rash.
Her recent travel history exposed her to a broad spectrum of tropical elements.
She could have contracted any number of possible infections.
Dr.
canfield Why him? He's a kid.
Dr.
howser happens to be a genius with a photographic memory.
If anyone can identify Ms.
Phillips condition, he can.
As soon as we know more, we'll let you know.
If you'll excuse me.
When do you think she'll Excuse me, Dr.
howser, what is your specialty, sir? That was nice.
I had a really good time.
Thanks for driving, eliot.
It was a really funny movie.
Hey, it was my pleasure.
 Down! Get down! Hey, who's out there? Laura? Eliot! What a coincidence.
Spying is such a severe word, Laura.
I was not spying.
I was I was lookin' out for your welfare.
I mean, I was like your guardian angel.
Come on, Laura, come to the door.
Please? I'm sorry.
I made a mistake.
Could we just talk for a sec, just a sec? Come on, honey.
Sweetie.
Lamb chop.
Puddin'? Pookie? Poopoo? Lala.
Pookie? Laura, would you just please give me a sign if you can hear me.
Well, that's a start.
O.
K.
, Laura, I'm on the brink of assuming you're not coming to the door.
I'm big enough to accept that, just like I know you're big enough to erase last night from memory Just forget it ever happened, which would be good, because every fight No, let's call it what it really is Every little tiff between two lovers needs closure.
Vinnie, go home.
Laura, I'm not going home until you hear me out.
I've been hearing you out all night, Vinnie.
You really humiliated me.
I know, and I'm sorry.
It's all my fault.
I said it was my fault.
I said it at 1:00.
I said it at 3:00.
I said it to the paperboy.
He forgave me.
Look, I got no excuse.
I can't stop thinking I'm not good enough for you.
That's not your problem.
That's mine.
I'm going to enter a constant state of self-improvement, honing mind and body into your vision of the perfect man.
Tell me what that is.
Is that what this is all about You think you're not good enough for me? Vinnie, I wouldn't be with you if I didn't think you were a terrific guy.
Really? Maybe I need to say it more.
Vinnie You're a terrific guy.
Oh, that that's great.
I'm a new man.
That's all I needed to hear.
I got a great dinner planned for the two of us tonight very expensive.
I'm sorry.
My schedule changed.
I have to work tonight.
Oh Oh, no problem.
Morning, Douglas.
Have you seen this? Our unidentified virus is rumored to be everything from malaria to cancer.
Great.
I don't know what to tell you, Dr.
Canfield.
I've been up all night.
I called the center for disease control.
Every culture has come back negative.
I've ruled out meningococcemia, rocky mountain spotted fever, dengue fever, typhus.
I've looked everywhere.
Well Look someplace else.
Thank you.
He's a penan.
His tribe's from the Malaysian rain forest Another tribe being destroyed by deforestation.
Kelly, let's try to stick to what could help you.
Did you live with these people? Mm-hmm.
For three days.
Three long fly-filled days.
Is it o.
K.
For me to tidy up the rest room? Yeah.
Go ahead, Joyce.
Dr.
howser, why can't you figure out what's wrong with me? Well, you've been to some pretty exotic places, Kelly.
You may have something that we've never seen before.
Just try to hang in there.
I'm not sure what else you want me to tell you.
I told you what I ate and drank.
Wait.
Go back.
You said you drank bottled water.
Did you bathe or swim? Didn't I tell you? Your symptoms are similar to a disease called schistosomiasis.
You can get it from swimming in water with a parasite.
Great.
Why don't we put that on your resume.
All through here.
Well, you take care, sweetheart, I know how bad you feel.
It was 40 years ago, but I still remember that rash Gave them to all my sisters.
Would you excuse me for a minute, please? Uh, Joyce? Joyce? Connie, you almost done here? Mm-mmm.
Hey, no problem.
Hi.
Leave a message at the beep.
Hi, Laura.
I know you're working, but I want to leave you a message so the first thing you hear when you get home will be my manly voice.
Anyway, I just wanted to tell you that, um, after our talk, I'm feeling very centered, very positive, you know, 'cause I understand now that, um, when two people become intimate, there is no rule that says they got to spend every minute together, you know? I mean, healthy relationships are built on trust.
I mean, it is perfectly natural for you to have close, intimate working relationships with a male coworker Or two.
Anyway, I'm feeling very good about us and, um, just very centered, very connected to my inner core of confidence.
But what about my boyfriend? Nick doesn't deserve you.
You're right.
You're much more of a man than he is.
Aah! See! I knew I wasn't good enough to keep you.
Why couldn't you just admit that you you You were taking a cpr class.
Well, um Don't don't let me interrupt.
Carry on! Friend of yours? I guess that display was pretty pathetic.
That was light-years beyond pathetic.
It was the salute, wasn't it? I can't blame you for not liking me right now.
I don't like me right now.
I wish there was something else I could say to you to convince you you're a terrific guy, but you don't believe it yourself, and I can't keep trying.
You're you're just a little too nutty.
I'm sorry.
Dr.
howser? Dr.
canfield, what can you tell us? Please, please, I have a brief statement.
Then I'll take your questions.
One of the first things they teach you in medical school is when you see hoofprints, think horses, not zebras.
This means rule out the ordinary before chasing after the extraordinary.
In my zeal to live up to my status as a genius, I went off in search of a few major zebras.
Uh, unfortunately, it contributed to a variety of rumors, and I apologize for that.
Kelly Phillips has the measles.
What? The measles? That's it? What took you so long? Well, I've never seen measles before.
Actually, neither have most doctors.
An aggressive immunization campaign in the late fifties pretty much eradicated measles in this country, but Kelly is part of a growing epidemic of people whose immunity has waned since childhood due to a less-than-effective batch of vaccines.
If you're around Kelly's age, we'd be happy to revaccinate you here at eastman free of charge.
The credit for the diagnosis should go to one of our housekeepers, Joyce So, vin, did I look like a complete idiot? Oh, you were wonderful, doog.
I'm very happy for you.
I'm sorry about Laura, vin.
Yeah, well, you should be sorry.
You failed to mention that after my first sexual experience, I'd be temporarily insane.
Somehow I don't think that would have stopped you.
Oh, good point.
What was I thinking of? Vin, you've been through a lot these past few months Moving out, your house being sold, your parents' divorce.
That's enough to make anyone a little insecure.
Yeah, I guess you're right.
I mean, it's kind of hard to trust a six-week relationship after watching one that lasted 30 years fall apart.
You should talk to someone.
I'm talking to you.
No, I'm talking about a professional.
What, you mean like a shrink? You should try and work this thing out.
I don't know, doog.
It seems kind of drastic.
A lot of kids our age go to therapists.
It's nothing to be ashamed of.
Maybe I could call that Dr.
Greenberg guy.
Maybe he'd cut me a break, seeing as I'm your friend.
You know, doog, life is so full of those bitter ironies.
I mean, think about it.
If I hadn't been with Laura, I might still be with Laura.
I'm not a casual-sex guy.
I'm more of a commitment guy.
I just pray I don't have to wait another 19 years before I get to commit again.
Say a little prayer for me, will you, doog?