Downward Dog (2017) s01e03 Episode Script
Loyalty
1 Martin: Recently, I think Nan and I have come to kind of, like, the perfect point in our relationship.
Because we've gotten to this place where we're so used to each other that it's almost like we've forgotten that each other even exists.
It's great, because when I was younger, we were all, like, so obsessed with each other that it was all I could think about.
Like all day, I was just plan these little pranks, like, where I hid the remote from her or, like, murdered some pillows.
[Growls.]
I mean, sometimes I would get so excited that when she came home, I would like pee a little, like, as a joke.
How you doin'? Hi, baby! Hi! Oh, great.
And sure, like, that was a really, truly, deeply wonderful, like, amazing time of life.
But now like, now is great too, because I'm not distracted by all that endless love and affection.
I can finally get some "me" time.
Jenn: What part of "straight on" don't you understand, Dan? Nan: Hey.
Hey, you're here! I'm here! Oh! Oh, I can't believe - you're not at work right now! - I know! - It's like an out-of-body experience.
- Mm-hmm.
- This is what they call a weekend, right? - Mm-hmm.
I need drinks.
At this point, I kind of just think of Nan as, like, a well-worn sleeping pad, which when it was new, of course, it was more exciting before all the emotional stuffing got ripped out.
The old pad is like yeah, like flat and stained, but, like like, it has my imprint on it.
It's it's safe and warm.
And and yeah, it's a little predictable and boring, but, like, I know for a fact that it's never gonna betray me.
No, that one hit the ground.
It did! Wha Don Don't look at me like that! I don't make the rules, Dan! Why don't you take it up with Cornhole Incorporated? Look how scared Dan is.
Just try, okay? Try for me.
It's like a window into their sex lives - that I wish I could close.
- [Laughs.]
So, how are you feeling about things? I'm good, yeah.
Totally.
You? Oh, yeah, absolutely.
[Exhales sharply.]
I am digging the "just friends' thing.
" Mm-hmm.
I was just wondeng if you were, like, feeling awkward or anything.
Uh, you know, not until you bring it up like twice a day Mm and then it gets a little - Yep.
Got it.
Super helpful feedback.
- Yeah.
Suck it! Suck it, Dan! You just got owned by your future wife! Get used to it! - Go, Dan! - [Laughs.]
Martin: It's just when you've been with somebody this long, you eventually give up on the exhausting pretense of, like, keeping things fresh.
And that that that's fine.
It's, like, that's great.
It means that everything is going exactly as planned.
I mean, I think the gradual lowering of expectations is possibly the highest form of love.
- Oh, yes, that's my favorite one.
- Right? - I love it on there.
- I know! Phew.
You guys, I think this is kinda great.
Yeah, I've been saying.
[Chuckles.]
- I'm having a disgusting feeling.
- What? I think it's hope.
[Laughs.]
See, like, I am actually starting to believe that an ad campaign can be a force of good, and if something horrible doesn't happen very soon, my entire world view is gonna implode.
Yuck! [Scoffs.]
Look at this mess! World view restored.
- [Laughing.]
What are you guys doing? - Yes.
You bumbling bees been bumbling around? Busy at work with your bumbling? Uh, yeah.
So, uh, you know, it's nearly done.
Uh, I know there's still a ton of fine tuning to do, but I think I think we're in a really good place to show Tristen on Friday, so Well, it's a good start.
A good A good start? Yeah.
You approved every every step of this.
Yeah, well, it's flat, you know? I think it needs the old Kevin touch.
Just dig deeper.
You'll get it.
Nan: "Good start.
" Tell you what'd be a good start, is drowning Kevin in a [bleep.]
kiddie pool.
[Chuckles.]
Mm.
What? I'm sorry.
That was really inappropriate, and I just I have this boss? You are amazing Yeah.
right now.
This is always what he does, though.
He comes in, he puts his little Kevin magic touch on things, and before you know it, anything interesting or or, like, I don't know, important - is, like, completely ruined.
- Jenn: Yes.
I swear to God.
If he makes us work this weekend, I am going to murder him.
How is this guy still your boss? It's nepotism.
Because he's married to the owner's cousin or something? Man, I gotta get my cousins to step it up a little.
Martin: Even though Nan and I have this amazing relationship, it's it's not like I don't sometimes still have insecurities.
I mean, like, I'm not an idiot.
Like, I realize I'm not food-bag-model good-looking anymore.
I think my eyes have gotten like, kinda droopy.
Like, I get that.
Like, I'm not the same dog I was when she met me.
Nan: We just need three days.
That's it.
That's all I need.
Yes.
I just need to keep this hairy A.
D.
D.
man-muppet at bay for like 72 hours.
Oh, you could mess with his car.
Yes, it's so easy.
You just, like, dodgy up the brakes a little bit.
Yes.
Sometimes I actually want to crush him Yes! - with my hands.
- Oh, my God.
Martin: And of course, Nan flatters me all the time.
She's always like, "Oh, my God.
You're so cute.
You're so handsome.
Da-da-da-da.
" But, like, isn't it kind of her job to say that? And I would never admit this to Nan, because it would just, like, crush her, but would I like to be admired by others? Like, would I like to turn a head now and then? I mean, like, of of course, I would.
I mean, I'm only human.
I hear that you're upset.
- No, do not do that! - Don't do that.
Do not condescend to us! I am speaking slowly out of fear, not condescension.
But, like, what if you just reach out to him? You know, bring Martin in, let him experience what, uh, inspired you.
You know, he'll get it.
No.
Like, Everyone loves dogs.
Actually, Kevin is afraid of dogs.
- No.
- Yeah, yeah.
Oh.
That's it.
He is such a bad person that even the world's most adorable creatures want to hurt him.
[Both gasping.]
- Oh, my God.
- I'm gonna do it.
You have to! Wait.
What are you gonna do? Try to keep up, Dan! Kevin is afraid of dogs.
If Nan brings Martin in, then he's gonna be too afraid to come near us, yes? That's, uh That's the opposite of my suggestion.
- Jenn: Oh! - Nan: It's good, it's good.
We're gonna do it.
Martin: But looking back now, I-I can see that I was deceiving myself.
I thought she was the safe one and, like, the old sleeping pad like, "Oh, she's Nan.
Where else is she gonna go?" But I've never been more wrong about anything in my entire life.
[Bonnie Tyler's "Total Eclipse of the Heart" plays.]
That old sleeping pad she betrayed me.
Turn around Every now and then I get little bit lonely Because I was like, - And you're never coming 'round - "Oh, my God.
This is where she's been going every day for years.
" - Turn around - Like, my heart just shattered.
Every now and then I get a little bit tired While I'm home alone, like, licking myself stupid, she's here like laughing and petting and throwing balls.
Like, why would she need all these other people to play with unless unless she's tired of playing with me? Every now I get a little bit terrified And it hit me, like And then I see the look in your eyes maybe I'm the safe one, the boring one.
Turn around, bright eyes Maybe I'm the old sleeping pad.
- Hey, Nan.
- Yeah.
I know you wanted us to keep working and stuff, but, uh, Kevin's here, and he's saying, "Start from square one.
" Great.
Great.
I'll be right there.
All right, bud.
Show time.
Come on.
- [Smack lips.]
- Kevin: Right.
I love that this campaign is so unexpected and unique, but what if we cloaked it in something expected and un-unique? I was just like, "Man, if" Hey, Kevin.
I'm sorry, have you met Martin, - the inspiration for the campaign? - Oh, right.
- The dog that thinks you're beautiful.
- Yeah, that's him.
I just figured, you know, since we had to go back to brainstorming, I would bring him in and see if he could help inspire the team a little bit.
That is a creative idea.
Oh, thanks.
Um - I I gotta go work.
- Oh, are you leaving? You know, yeah, it's you're team now, Nan.
- You lead.
- No worries.
Okie-dokey.
We are gonna go ahead and get to work.
Martin: I don't know what happened today.
Maybe it was just that I was in such a wounded, vulnerable state.
Then, there was this guy.
I was just drawn to him.
It's almost like he knew instinctively how to draw me in, you know.
Like, because it's it's my one weakness, like, I always want the one toy I can't have.
And I wanted this toy, bad.
Kevin: Hey, gals.
Just had a quick criticism for Nan: Oh, hey, Kevin.
Like, maybe I'll go make my own work family.
Martin, buddy, come back.
Martin.
You're supposed to keep him away, not fall in love with him.
Yeah, but who cares.
It's working.
Yeah, but he's, like, drawn to him.
[Chuckles.]
It's all that beef jerky.
Is it a bad sign if I like my dog less 'cause he's into Kevin? And so everywhere he went, I just followed.
You said you wouldn't fight like that.
That is not fair.
You are not gonna make me cry at work again.
I'm Honey? I could tell that he was afraid.
Like, I could tell that he was scared of, like, rejection.
But then Then I went to him.
And you could say that it's wrong.
You could say that I'm an idiot, that it's so obvious that you're just, like, acting out because you're jealous.
But, like, at that moment, I just thought like, "If this is wrong, and and that's an idiot, then I don't want to be a right person that's smart.
" Yeah, I was scared.
Kevin: Don't bite the thighs.
I was terrified, It's just crazy to make this leap with someone.
[Whispering loudly.]
Gwen! Gwen! Martin: We, like, met eyes, and I saw that he was terrified, too, and, like, we were in this crazy thing.
Whatever it is, like, we're in it together.
Kevin: The way that dog looks at me I get it! Martin: Have you ever been, like, embarrassingly into someone? Because usually, I would be just disgusted - at, like, how cliché this all sounds.
Nan: Come on Martin.
It's hard because now I have to go through all the routines of my day and pretend that everything's normal, when every second, I'm just thinking about him.
I couldn't get his smell out of my head, and I know it sounds, like, silly and juvenile, but I started to have these fantasies of being with him, like, like, for real.
And it's dumb, because it's only been one day, and it's impossible, and I don't even know if he's, like, really interested in me, like, in that way.
But, I feel like he just gives me something that, like, Nan never has.
And like, of course like, of course, I would never act on it.
Like, it's all just like a fantasy.
Like Like Like, I'm aware of that.
But, I mean, like, Nan has her secret world, like, why shouldn't I have mine? A dog can dream.
Nan: All right, guys.
Here's the plan.
We're just gonna get through tomorrow, and then we can all have some time off.
And hey, Matt, you can go see that baby you keep telling us your wife had a while back.
Okay, all right, yes.
Kevin.
Kevin, what are you doing? The dog looked at me What? the way he looked at you.
I finally understand why you brought him in.
People want to look beautiful No, Kev, everyone is beautiful.
That's the whole thing that we're to a dog, because dogs are so stupid.
They don't understand how ugly we are.
We're gonna be installing skinny mirrors in every Clark and Bow across the country so that maybe, just for one day, America doesn't have to look at its hairy, fat ass in the glare of an unforgiving mirror, and wonder what the hell happened to him! Oh, my God.
Now, I know it's rough, but don't worry, I will type it up and make it legible so you guys can edit it.
But this, this is it! This is it.
This is what we will be presenting tomorrow.
And it's all thanks to Nan.
Oh, God.
Kevin, can we just have a real quick sidebar for just one second? Nan, look.
Mall fashion is a full-contact sport, okay? I know it hurts.
There are no rules.
There's no "fair.
" All that matters is that the best idea wins.
Okay, you just killed the best idea.
So, if we could just take a second, - and I can explain why this one is so - Shh! Hey.
Shush.
- Okay, I - Ah! - I just - Shh! I mean, I feel like we're just having a Ah! - That's how conversations - Oh! work.
Okay.
What the [bleep.]
Gwen, how do you turn off spell check? What? I'm sharing my master plan with GroupCloud.
I need the red squiggles off.
I think that's illegal.
Okay, you know what? Who cares? The team doesn't need to see it polished.
I need to borrow your selfie stick.
Come on, buddy.
I mean, how How What happened? Well, Nan, your stupid dog made stupid eyes at Kevin.
You guys, this is crazy.
We can't just let him come in here and, like, destroy this amazing thing - we've all created, right? - Right.
Yes.
We gave up our weekends.
I mean, we've sacrificed for this, right? He can't just throw it all away! Matt hasn't seen his baby, and Paul's drinking again.
No, it's coffee.
Paul.
I'm gonna go in there, and I am gonna talk to Kevin, and I am gonna put my foot down.
- Yes.
- Paul: Yeah.
Martin: So, yeah, like, I felt bad at, like, moments.
But you know what? Like, I've been happy today.
Like, all my talk about settling and loyalty and, like, long-term relationships was really just me justifying how bad things have gotten between me and Nan.
And I love her, but, like, when you've been with one person your entire life, like, how do you know if your bar has just been too low? You are out my league Look into my eyes.
Hello? Hello? At a distance that I didn't want to see [Laughs.]
And you know what? Like, she'll be fine.
I mean, she has all these other people that she loves so much anyway.
[Sighs.]
Martin: And it's like, things just, like, happened so fast, like, there was this flood of feelings.
And it was so confusing that I kind of lose track of a lot of what happened.
[Mouse clicks.]
[Phones beep.]
Woman: Oh, my gosh.
Wow.
Jenn: How did it go? Uh, well, he wasn't there.
[Gasps.]
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
I knew Kevin was arrogant, but he had the balls to add corporate to this.
- I did it.
- What? I added corporate to Kevin's GroupCloud.
[Both laugh.]
What? Okay, well, girl power, I guess.
But, Nan, this is extreme.
Yeah, I know.
Yeah.
Martin: The thing I remember is I just I gave him the ball, like, just like offered it to him.
You want this? It was like I was saying, like, I was ready, like.
Okay.
Ready to leave her and, like, start over Ready? Ready? and have this new life with Kevin.
Go get it! [Distorted voice.]
[Laughs.]
[Distorted voice.]
Oh.
Oh, I still have it.
I don't know.
There was this feeling of, like, falling, like, falling backwards.
And, like, the whole world was spinning.
[Distorted voice.]
You're so stupid.
[Distorted voice.]
What? [Distorted voice.]
[Laughing.]
You should see your face right now.
Because I realized I've thrown away everything that matters in my life.
And I've thrown it away for a [bleep.]
ball-tease.
Nan: Oh, God, people are freaking out.
Do you want a bottle of water? Do you have any vodka? Oh, hi, Tristen.
Um, you know, Kevin's actually out of the office right now.
Let me try him on his cell.
Have you guys seen Martin anywhere? Yes, he is with Kev.
Outside.
Oh, my God.
Oh, hey, Nan? I think it's really sweet that you're helping Kevin get over his childhood traumas or whatever.
His what trauma? Oh, with the dog when he was a kid.
I thought him being afraid of dogs was, like, a like, a funny like, a character quirk or Oh, no, no.
That dog really messed him up, like, mentally and physically.
Like, he won't let his wife touch his thighs to this day.
Oh, my God.
Ew.
Kevin: Tristen, I'm sorry.
Nan has this I-I promise, you will love her idea.
Martin: Sometimes, I think people get caught up in believing you're, like, either good or bad and that's it You know, like black or white, loyal or disloyal, but I think that's kind of, like, maybe reductionistic.
- Hey.
- Hi.
I just, um whew came to take my dog back and also to tell you something about Tristen and how he got added to the GroupCloud.
Yeah, I know already.
Believe me.
[Laughs.]
Classic Kevin, right? Adding corporate like an idiot.
No, Kev, that's not what happen You know, I actually thought I had something for once like, a good idea.
But, no, of course not.
You know, I know I put on a strong face.
Sometimes I just feel like I'm in over my head.
No, it's It's okay.
Right, it's gonna be okay.
You know, we're a team, and we have an amazing presentation.
And once we show it, everyone's gonna be so happy that they're just gonna forget all this happened, you know? Even Tristen.
- Yeah? - Yeah, yeah.
Mm-hmm.
Do you really think so? I do.
It's okay.
Okay.
Should we go back inside? Yep I'll just take the leash.
Can we both? Sure.
Come on, Martin.
Martin: I admit it.
I did a bad thing.
I broke our vows and made a mockery of our love, and I will regret every second of my emotional affair with that meat-smelling man for the rest of my life.
Nan: I feel really bad, but, like, I think, ultimately, it was better not to tell him, right? Jason: I don't know, Nan.
It sounds kind of, like, Machiavellian.
I know, but if I hadn't sabotaged him, then he could have just, like, ruined the entire project.
Nah, it just seems like something Voldemort would do.
Excuse me? That's the meanest thing you've ever said to me.
- [Laughs.]
- If anyone's Voldemort, Jenn is Voldemort.
Ah, okay.
She encouraged me to bring Martin to the office.
And she knew Kevin had been mauled by a dog.
No, not mauled.
I didn't know mauled.
I just thought he was scared of dogs.
I think I just really care about this project, you know? Yeah, of course you do.
You should.
I just hope I'm not evil.
You think I'm evil? At least you care about something, you know? I don't have half the conviction you do.
Thanks.
[Laughs.]
Martin: I did a very, very bad thing.
I just don't think that necessarily means that I'm a bad dog.
And, I mean, honestly, I think it was kind of, like, good because I'm just so excited to dive back into the warm, safe, very predictable embrace of lifelong monogamy.
Like, I've never been more excited for anything in my entire life.
[Romantic music.]
[Nan snoring.]
Because we've gotten to this place where we're so used to each other that it's almost like we've forgotten that each other even exists.
It's great, because when I was younger, we were all, like, so obsessed with each other that it was all I could think about.
Like all day, I was just plan these little pranks, like, where I hid the remote from her or, like, murdered some pillows.
[Growls.]
I mean, sometimes I would get so excited that when she came home, I would like pee a little, like, as a joke.
How you doin'? Hi, baby! Hi! Oh, great.
And sure, like, that was a really, truly, deeply wonderful, like, amazing time of life.
But now like, now is great too, because I'm not distracted by all that endless love and affection.
I can finally get some "me" time.
Jenn: What part of "straight on" don't you understand, Dan? Nan: Hey.
Hey, you're here! I'm here! Oh! Oh, I can't believe - you're not at work right now! - I know! - It's like an out-of-body experience.
- Mm-hmm.
- This is what they call a weekend, right? - Mm-hmm.
I need drinks.
At this point, I kind of just think of Nan as, like, a well-worn sleeping pad, which when it was new, of course, it was more exciting before all the emotional stuffing got ripped out.
The old pad is like yeah, like flat and stained, but, like like, it has my imprint on it.
It's it's safe and warm.
And and yeah, it's a little predictable and boring, but, like, I know for a fact that it's never gonna betray me.
No, that one hit the ground.
It did! Wha Don Don't look at me like that! I don't make the rules, Dan! Why don't you take it up with Cornhole Incorporated? Look how scared Dan is.
Just try, okay? Try for me.
It's like a window into their sex lives - that I wish I could close.
- [Laughs.]
So, how are you feeling about things? I'm good, yeah.
Totally.
You? Oh, yeah, absolutely.
[Exhales sharply.]
I am digging the "just friends' thing.
" Mm-hmm.
I was just wondeng if you were, like, feeling awkward or anything.
Uh, you know, not until you bring it up like twice a day Mm and then it gets a little - Yep.
Got it.
Super helpful feedback.
- Yeah.
Suck it! Suck it, Dan! You just got owned by your future wife! Get used to it! - Go, Dan! - [Laughs.]
Martin: It's just when you've been with somebody this long, you eventually give up on the exhausting pretense of, like, keeping things fresh.
And that that that's fine.
It's, like, that's great.
It means that everything is going exactly as planned.
I mean, I think the gradual lowering of expectations is possibly the highest form of love.
- Oh, yes, that's my favorite one.
- Right? - I love it on there.
- I know! Phew.
You guys, I think this is kinda great.
Yeah, I've been saying.
[Chuckles.]
- I'm having a disgusting feeling.
- What? I think it's hope.
[Laughs.]
See, like, I am actually starting to believe that an ad campaign can be a force of good, and if something horrible doesn't happen very soon, my entire world view is gonna implode.
Yuck! [Scoffs.]
Look at this mess! World view restored.
- [Laughing.]
What are you guys doing? - Yes.
You bumbling bees been bumbling around? Busy at work with your bumbling? Uh, yeah.
So, uh, you know, it's nearly done.
Uh, I know there's still a ton of fine tuning to do, but I think I think we're in a really good place to show Tristen on Friday, so Well, it's a good start.
A good A good start? Yeah.
You approved every every step of this.
Yeah, well, it's flat, you know? I think it needs the old Kevin touch.
Just dig deeper.
You'll get it.
Nan: "Good start.
" Tell you what'd be a good start, is drowning Kevin in a [bleep.]
kiddie pool.
[Chuckles.]
Mm.
What? I'm sorry.
That was really inappropriate, and I just I have this boss? You are amazing Yeah.
right now.
This is always what he does, though.
He comes in, he puts his little Kevin magic touch on things, and before you know it, anything interesting or or, like, I don't know, important - is, like, completely ruined.
- Jenn: Yes.
I swear to God.
If he makes us work this weekend, I am going to murder him.
How is this guy still your boss? It's nepotism.
Because he's married to the owner's cousin or something? Man, I gotta get my cousins to step it up a little.
Martin: Even though Nan and I have this amazing relationship, it's it's not like I don't sometimes still have insecurities.
I mean, like, I'm not an idiot.
Like, I realize I'm not food-bag-model good-looking anymore.
I think my eyes have gotten like, kinda droopy.
Like, I get that.
Like, I'm not the same dog I was when she met me.
Nan: We just need three days.
That's it.
That's all I need.
Yes.
I just need to keep this hairy A.
D.
D.
man-muppet at bay for like 72 hours.
Oh, you could mess with his car.
Yes, it's so easy.
You just, like, dodgy up the brakes a little bit.
Yes.
Sometimes I actually want to crush him Yes! - with my hands.
- Oh, my God.
Martin: And of course, Nan flatters me all the time.
She's always like, "Oh, my God.
You're so cute.
You're so handsome.
Da-da-da-da.
" But, like, isn't it kind of her job to say that? And I would never admit this to Nan, because it would just, like, crush her, but would I like to be admired by others? Like, would I like to turn a head now and then? I mean, like, of of course, I would.
I mean, I'm only human.
I hear that you're upset.
- No, do not do that! - Don't do that.
Do not condescend to us! I am speaking slowly out of fear, not condescension.
But, like, what if you just reach out to him? You know, bring Martin in, let him experience what, uh, inspired you.
You know, he'll get it.
No.
Like, Everyone loves dogs.
Actually, Kevin is afraid of dogs.
- No.
- Yeah, yeah.
Oh.
That's it.
He is such a bad person that even the world's most adorable creatures want to hurt him.
[Both gasping.]
- Oh, my God.
- I'm gonna do it.
You have to! Wait.
What are you gonna do? Try to keep up, Dan! Kevin is afraid of dogs.
If Nan brings Martin in, then he's gonna be too afraid to come near us, yes? That's, uh That's the opposite of my suggestion.
- Jenn: Oh! - Nan: It's good, it's good.
We're gonna do it.
Martin: But looking back now, I-I can see that I was deceiving myself.
I thought she was the safe one and, like, the old sleeping pad like, "Oh, she's Nan.
Where else is she gonna go?" But I've never been more wrong about anything in my entire life.
[Bonnie Tyler's "Total Eclipse of the Heart" plays.]
That old sleeping pad she betrayed me.
Turn around Every now and then I get little bit lonely Because I was like, - And you're never coming 'round - "Oh, my God.
This is where she's been going every day for years.
" - Turn around - Like, my heart just shattered.
Every now and then I get a little bit tired While I'm home alone, like, licking myself stupid, she's here like laughing and petting and throwing balls.
Like, why would she need all these other people to play with unless unless she's tired of playing with me? Every now I get a little bit terrified And it hit me, like And then I see the look in your eyes maybe I'm the safe one, the boring one.
Turn around, bright eyes Maybe I'm the old sleeping pad.
- Hey, Nan.
- Yeah.
I know you wanted us to keep working and stuff, but, uh, Kevin's here, and he's saying, "Start from square one.
" Great.
Great.
I'll be right there.
All right, bud.
Show time.
Come on.
- [Smack lips.]
- Kevin: Right.
I love that this campaign is so unexpected and unique, but what if we cloaked it in something expected and un-unique? I was just like, "Man, if" Hey, Kevin.
I'm sorry, have you met Martin, - the inspiration for the campaign? - Oh, right.
- The dog that thinks you're beautiful.
- Yeah, that's him.
I just figured, you know, since we had to go back to brainstorming, I would bring him in and see if he could help inspire the team a little bit.
That is a creative idea.
Oh, thanks.
Um - I I gotta go work.
- Oh, are you leaving? You know, yeah, it's you're team now, Nan.
- You lead.
- No worries.
Okie-dokey.
We are gonna go ahead and get to work.
Martin: I don't know what happened today.
Maybe it was just that I was in such a wounded, vulnerable state.
Then, there was this guy.
I was just drawn to him.
It's almost like he knew instinctively how to draw me in, you know.
Like, because it's it's my one weakness, like, I always want the one toy I can't have.
And I wanted this toy, bad.
Kevin: Hey, gals.
Just had a quick criticism for Nan: Oh, hey, Kevin.
Like, maybe I'll go make my own work family.
Martin, buddy, come back.
Martin.
You're supposed to keep him away, not fall in love with him.
Yeah, but who cares.
It's working.
Yeah, but he's, like, drawn to him.
[Chuckles.]
It's all that beef jerky.
Is it a bad sign if I like my dog less 'cause he's into Kevin? And so everywhere he went, I just followed.
You said you wouldn't fight like that.
That is not fair.
You are not gonna make me cry at work again.
I'm Honey? I could tell that he was afraid.
Like, I could tell that he was scared of, like, rejection.
But then Then I went to him.
And you could say that it's wrong.
You could say that I'm an idiot, that it's so obvious that you're just, like, acting out because you're jealous.
But, like, at that moment, I just thought like, "If this is wrong, and and that's an idiot, then I don't want to be a right person that's smart.
" Yeah, I was scared.
Kevin: Don't bite the thighs.
I was terrified, It's just crazy to make this leap with someone.
[Whispering loudly.]
Gwen! Gwen! Martin: We, like, met eyes, and I saw that he was terrified, too, and, like, we were in this crazy thing.
Whatever it is, like, we're in it together.
Kevin: The way that dog looks at me I get it! Martin: Have you ever been, like, embarrassingly into someone? Because usually, I would be just disgusted - at, like, how cliché this all sounds.
Nan: Come on Martin.
It's hard because now I have to go through all the routines of my day and pretend that everything's normal, when every second, I'm just thinking about him.
I couldn't get his smell out of my head, and I know it sounds, like, silly and juvenile, but I started to have these fantasies of being with him, like, like, for real.
And it's dumb, because it's only been one day, and it's impossible, and I don't even know if he's, like, really interested in me, like, in that way.
But, I feel like he just gives me something that, like, Nan never has.
And like, of course like, of course, I would never act on it.
Like, it's all just like a fantasy.
Like Like Like, I'm aware of that.
But, I mean, like, Nan has her secret world, like, why shouldn't I have mine? A dog can dream.
Nan: All right, guys.
Here's the plan.
We're just gonna get through tomorrow, and then we can all have some time off.
And hey, Matt, you can go see that baby you keep telling us your wife had a while back.
Okay, all right, yes.
Kevin.
Kevin, what are you doing? The dog looked at me What? the way he looked at you.
I finally understand why you brought him in.
People want to look beautiful No, Kev, everyone is beautiful.
That's the whole thing that we're to a dog, because dogs are so stupid.
They don't understand how ugly we are.
We're gonna be installing skinny mirrors in every Clark and Bow across the country so that maybe, just for one day, America doesn't have to look at its hairy, fat ass in the glare of an unforgiving mirror, and wonder what the hell happened to him! Oh, my God.
Now, I know it's rough, but don't worry, I will type it up and make it legible so you guys can edit it.
But this, this is it! This is it.
This is what we will be presenting tomorrow.
And it's all thanks to Nan.
Oh, God.
Kevin, can we just have a real quick sidebar for just one second? Nan, look.
Mall fashion is a full-contact sport, okay? I know it hurts.
There are no rules.
There's no "fair.
" All that matters is that the best idea wins.
Okay, you just killed the best idea.
So, if we could just take a second, - and I can explain why this one is so - Shh! Hey.
Shush.
- Okay, I - Ah! - I just - Shh! I mean, I feel like we're just having a Ah! - That's how conversations - Oh! work.
Okay.
What the [bleep.]
Gwen, how do you turn off spell check? What? I'm sharing my master plan with GroupCloud.
I need the red squiggles off.
I think that's illegal.
Okay, you know what? Who cares? The team doesn't need to see it polished.
I need to borrow your selfie stick.
Come on, buddy.
I mean, how How What happened? Well, Nan, your stupid dog made stupid eyes at Kevin.
You guys, this is crazy.
We can't just let him come in here and, like, destroy this amazing thing - we've all created, right? - Right.
Yes.
We gave up our weekends.
I mean, we've sacrificed for this, right? He can't just throw it all away! Matt hasn't seen his baby, and Paul's drinking again.
No, it's coffee.
Paul.
I'm gonna go in there, and I am gonna talk to Kevin, and I am gonna put my foot down.
- Yes.
- Paul: Yeah.
Martin: So, yeah, like, I felt bad at, like, moments.
But you know what? Like, I've been happy today.
Like, all my talk about settling and loyalty and, like, long-term relationships was really just me justifying how bad things have gotten between me and Nan.
And I love her, but, like, when you've been with one person your entire life, like, how do you know if your bar has just been too low? You are out my league Look into my eyes.
Hello? Hello? At a distance that I didn't want to see [Laughs.]
And you know what? Like, she'll be fine.
I mean, she has all these other people that she loves so much anyway.
[Sighs.]
Martin: And it's like, things just, like, happened so fast, like, there was this flood of feelings.
And it was so confusing that I kind of lose track of a lot of what happened.
[Mouse clicks.]
[Phones beep.]
Woman: Oh, my gosh.
Wow.
Jenn: How did it go? Uh, well, he wasn't there.
[Gasps.]
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
I knew Kevin was arrogant, but he had the balls to add corporate to this.
- I did it.
- What? I added corporate to Kevin's GroupCloud.
[Both laugh.]
What? Okay, well, girl power, I guess.
But, Nan, this is extreme.
Yeah, I know.
Yeah.
Martin: The thing I remember is I just I gave him the ball, like, just like offered it to him.
You want this? It was like I was saying, like, I was ready, like.
Okay.
Ready to leave her and, like, start over Ready? Ready? and have this new life with Kevin.
Go get it! [Distorted voice.]
[Laughs.]
[Distorted voice.]
Oh.
Oh, I still have it.
I don't know.
There was this feeling of, like, falling, like, falling backwards.
And, like, the whole world was spinning.
[Distorted voice.]
You're so stupid.
[Distorted voice.]
What? [Distorted voice.]
[Laughing.]
You should see your face right now.
Because I realized I've thrown away everything that matters in my life.
And I've thrown it away for a [bleep.]
ball-tease.
Nan: Oh, God, people are freaking out.
Do you want a bottle of water? Do you have any vodka? Oh, hi, Tristen.
Um, you know, Kevin's actually out of the office right now.
Let me try him on his cell.
Have you guys seen Martin anywhere? Yes, he is with Kev.
Outside.
Oh, my God.
Oh, hey, Nan? I think it's really sweet that you're helping Kevin get over his childhood traumas or whatever.
His what trauma? Oh, with the dog when he was a kid.
I thought him being afraid of dogs was, like, a like, a funny like, a character quirk or Oh, no, no.
That dog really messed him up, like, mentally and physically.
Like, he won't let his wife touch his thighs to this day.
Oh, my God.
Ew.
Kevin: Tristen, I'm sorry.
Nan has this I-I promise, you will love her idea.
Martin: Sometimes, I think people get caught up in believing you're, like, either good or bad and that's it You know, like black or white, loyal or disloyal, but I think that's kind of, like, maybe reductionistic.
- Hey.
- Hi.
I just, um whew came to take my dog back and also to tell you something about Tristen and how he got added to the GroupCloud.
Yeah, I know already.
Believe me.
[Laughs.]
Classic Kevin, right? Adding corporate like an idiot.
No, Kev, that's not what happen You know, I actually thought I had something for once like, a good idea.
But, no, of course not.
You know, I know I put on a strong face.
Sometimes I just feel like I'm in over my head.
No, it's It's okay.
Right, it's gonna be okay.
You know, we're a team, and we have an amazing presentation.
And once we show it, everyone's gonna be so happy that they're just gonna forget all this happened, you know? Even Tristen.
- Yeah? - Yeah, yeah.
Mm-hmm.
Do you really think so? I do.
It's okay.
Okay.
Should we go back inside? Yep I'll just take the leash.
Can we both? Sure.
Come on, Martin.
Martin: I admit it.
I did a bad thing.
I broke our vows and made a mockery of our love, and I will regret every second of my emotional affair with that meat-smelling man for the rest of my life.
Nan: I feel really bad, but, like, I think, ultimately, it was better not to tell him, right? Jason: I don't know, Nan.
It sounds kind of, like, Machiavellian.
I know, but if I hadn't sabotaged him, then he could have just, like, ruined the entire project.
Nah, it just seems like something Voldemort would do.
Excuse me? That's the meanest thing you've ever said to me.
- [Laughs.]
- If anyone's Voldemort, Jenn is Voldemort.
Ah, okay.
She encouraged me to bring Martin to the office.
And she knew Kevin had been mauled by a dog.
No, not mauled.
I didn't know mauled.
I just thought he was scared of dogs.
I think I just really care about this project, you know? Yeah, of course you do.
You should.
I just hope I'm not evil.
You think I'm evil? At least you care about something, you know? I don't have half the conviction you do.
Thanks.
[Laughs.]
Martin: I did a very, very bad thing.
I just don't think that necessarily means that I'm a bad dog.
And, I mean, honestly, I think it was kind of, like, good because I'm just so excited to dive back into the warm, safe, very predictable embrace of lifelong monogamy.
Like, I've never been more excited for anything in my entire life.
[Romantic music.]
[Nan snoring.]