Dr. Terrible's House of Horrible (2001) s01e01 Episode Script
Lesbian Vampire Lovers of Lust
Good evening.
I'm Doctor Terrible.
Welcome to my House of Horrible.
When my wife passed away, and I saw her lying there in her ivory-handled, silk-lined ebony coffin, looking so peaceful I wanted to climb in beside her.
But there simply wasn't room for both of us.
So I put her in a sack.
It seems like only yesterday.
But, in fact, it was the day before.
Love can make sentimental fools of us all.
Meet Captain Hans Brocken and his virgin bride.
"The hot springs of Hammerstein are noted for their powers of rejuvenation, "promoting physical healthiness and mental alertitude.
" Carmina, you put too much faith in what is essentially moisture.
There's no scientific evidence to support it.
"Although essentially moisture, the spring's effects are supported by scientific evidence "at which only the small-minded still scoff.
" Ah, look at you, my pretty wife.
Can a man enjoy a finer sight? Happily married, darling? I love the feel of your ring on my finger.
Oh, what simple delicate creatures you ladies are! Aghhhh! This can't be Hammerstein Inn! Ah, good evening.
Captain Hans Brocken of the 23rd Light Rapier Dragoons.
- I've booked for seven nights, full breakfast.
- The inn is closing for the summer season.
I made this reservation months ago! You're listed in the Burgermeister's Guide! We have a massive infestation of cockroaches, sir.
But where are we going to stay? It's our wedding night! And don't you look a picture of purity in your virgin white dress! - This is your first marriage? - Yes, of course! We've come straight from the ceremony.
And you didn't stop off anywhere for a for a nap or anything? - No.
- There's no sleeping compartment in the coach? No.
- What are you driving at? - I'm sure there's a bed waiting for you at the castle.
- A castle? Castle? What castle? There's no castle on this map.
No, wait, yes, there is.
Forgive me.
"Castle Kronsteen.
" Countess Kronsteen would love to have you.
No, thank you.
We have a perfectly good coach here - Settled, then.
You shall stay at the castle.
- Oh, Hans, can we? - Please? - Very well, my little liebfraumilch.
- What harm can come of it? - Ah! - Will you be accompanying us, Mr? - Rebenor.
No, I must eat first.
Thank you, driver Weird! Captain Brocken, do come in.
But you How the f I'll bring your luggage.
- Allow me.
- But you can't! Your arm Nonsense.
If a man can't carry his own wife over the threshold, what kind of man is he? - Hans, are you all right? - Fine.
But where's my bag? Yes, man, we have another bag with my wife's dresses and undergarments.
These were the only bags I saw, sir.
- Ever in the army? - Gay Hussars.
- Officer? - No, private.
But I WAS responsible for the officers' mess.
Right.
Very good.
That'll be all.
What a queer fellow! Like my seat? Er, no, thank you.
Good evening.
I am Countess Kronsteen.
Captain Hans Brocken of the 23rd Light Rapier Dragoons.
And this is my wife, Mrs Hans Brocken.
Mrs Hans Brocken is not easy to get your mouth round.
Carmina.
Ah, Carmina sits easily on the tongue.
This is Ingrid, my companion.
Nice castle.
- We're indebted to you for your hospitality.
- Not at all.
Visitors are food and drink to me.
Please, be seated.
Ahh! No, thank you.
You must forgive my wife's attire.
Carmina and I became wedlocked this morning.
I'm so sorry you've had such a dreadful day.
I hear it's been one disaster after another.
Quite.
We arrived at the hotel to find it was closed.
- It's in the Burgermeister's Guide, so - And my luggage is missing.
Well, then, I shall have to lend you one of my gowns, and it should be easy for you to get into my undergarments.
And you, Captain Brocken, infirm on your wedding night? A battle wound.
A large Turk surprised me from behind.
But I didn't let him interfere with my wedding arrangements.
- I'd just drawn my sword - I trust you have a taste for melons.
Ouch! I've pricked myself.
Honestly, darling, you've got blood all over your melon boat.
Can I take your cherry? A toast! To Carmina, whose beauty, grace and charm have brought fresh blood to Castle Kronsteen.
Carmina.
Not joining us, Captain Brocken? No.
I haven't had a drink since I was in the Volga when three Cossacks were hungry for my end.
- I'd just drawn my sword - Carmina, you must be weary.
Goodnight.
Hans, aren't you glad we waited till our wedding night? Er Yes.
The past ten months have flown by.
How do I? Carmina? Carmina Carmina! Are you awake? Oh! Uncle, may we swim in the hot springs? Now, Virtue, Chastity, I I I'm not sure.
Oh, please, Uncle, we've been pilgrimaging all day.
Oh, very well, then.
Good morning, Mrs Captain Hans Brocken.
Hans Great.
- Are you ready for your ride? - I beg your pardon? - Saddled and ready to go.
- Wh? You were hoping to plunge in this morning? - The hot springs.
- Oh, how marvellous! Will Countess Kronsteen be joining us? The Countess is not the earliest of risers.
- What about my wife's luggage? - I'm giving it my personal attention.
That's me done.
Ah-ah! I want you to put your whole arm in.
- What have you got there? - I'm not sure.
Aghh! Shouldn't we extract him? I fear even the hot springs of Hammerstein will not revivify the Monseigneur.
My name is Transeed Van Eyre.
Captain Hans Brocken of the 23rd Light Rapier Dragoons.
My wedding dress - it's gone! There, my dear.
- Now, what have we here? - One thing's for certain, - it's the worst case of drowning I've seen.
- Oh, no.
The Monseigneur did not drown.
As an officer of some experience, I know a wet dead body almost always means drowning.
But look at his face.
I tell you this man was frightened to death by fear! Hmm, but how can you possibly account for his being in the water? Simple.
He was plopped in.
- Who'd do such a thing? - You must leave here.
- We'll be safe, we're staying at the castle.
- All the more reason to leave! Castle Kronsteen is a place of darkness, especially at night.
The Monseigneur was travelling with his nieces, Chastity and Virtue.
I must find them! Ah, Carmina, how beautiful you look in my dress.
You must keep it, then every time you feel it against your skin, you'll think of me.
Did I tell you about the night I was grabbed by the Bulgars? I'd just drawn my sword Rebenor, the entertainment! Come with me.
I have something to show you.
Let's take some nibbles.
What a lovely room! I want you to have this.
I would love to see you with a splash of red on your throat.
I wonder, would you mind removing that thing? It will clash terribly.
The mirror! - It doesn't reflect you! - It's not a very good mirror.
Ah, Ingrid Hans.
Ingrid? Carmina! - Hans! - Yeah! My fabulous stallion! Yeah! I want you.
- I want you now! - All right! Carmina you seem so different! - Yes.
- Oh, yeah! Ooh, yes, Hans, you're so good Thank you! No! No, I can't! What about Hans? - I must remain faithful! - Oh? Come, let me show you something.
Don't cry, my dear.
Forget him! All men are blackguards.
Come to my bosom.
Hans, you're so good! I haven't even started! What the? No! Carmina! Hans! Oh, Carmina! Ingrid? Transeed Van Eyre! - Mahogany-tipped.
- I made love to Ingrid! Right! - And what exactly is it you do? - I, sir, am a hunter of the undead.
Castle Konsteen is alive with the undead.
Vampires.
Vampires?! Hah! Madam, there are no such creatures.
Virtue, Chastity, don't worry, my darlings.
I shall kill you.
Hand me that crossbow.
Is it loaded? My God! That wooden arrow must have passed through both their hearts! I suppose they wanted to murder us, then feast on our blood.
Bitches! Yes, but I fear your wife may be in even greater danger.
The most important weapon we have is the element of Of? Surprise! Oh, no! I'll chop your head off and stuff it with garlic! Are you intending to stick that little thing in me? Yes! Is it in yet? Yes! No! God have mercy! No, Countess, wait! I am a haemophiliac.
- My blood won't clot.
- But that's a good thing! I've got this! Carmina! Oh, my love! Aghhh! You pierced her heart with an occasional table! - Oh, horrible, horrible, horrible! - But absolutely necessary.
She and her kind can't touch us now.
Tonight we'll be back home in our bridal bed.
And I want us to forget all about these lesbian vampire lovers of lust.
But darling, there's a perfectly good bed here.
But That was truly diabolical.
Sapphical vampiricism, the love which dare not spell its name.
"But surely," you say, "there's no such thing as vampires or lesbians.
" But what's that under the bed? And who's that in the closet? Good night.
February 2017
I'm Doctor Terrible.
Welcome to my House of Horrible.
When my wife passed away, and I saw her lying there in her ivory-handled, silk-lined ebony coffin, looking so peaceful I wanted to climb in beside her.
But there simply wasn't room for both of us.
So I put her in a sack.
It seems like only yesterday.
But, in fact, it was the day before.
Love can make sentimental fools of us all.
Meet Captain Hans Brocken and his virgin bride.
"The hot springs of Hammerstein are noted for their powers of rejuvenation, "promoting physical healthiness and mental alertitude.
" Carmina, you put too much faith in what is essentially moisture.
There's no scientific evidence to support it.
"Although essentially moisture, the spring's effects are supported by scientific evidence "at which only the small-minded still scoff.
" Ah, look at you, my pretty wife.
Can a man enjoy a finer sight? Happily married, darling? I love the feel of your ring on my finger.
Oh, what simple delicate creatures you ladies are! Aghhhh! This can't be Hammerstein Inn! Ah, good evening.
Captain Hans Brocken of the 23rd Light Rapier Dragoons.
- I've booked for seven nights, full breakfast.
- The inn is closing for the summer season.
I made this reservation months ago! You're listed in the Burgermeister's Guide! We have a massive infestation of cockroaches, sir.
But where are we going to stay? It's our wedding night! And don't you look a picture of purity in your virgin white dress! - This is your first marriage? - Yes, of course! We've come straight from the ceremony.
And you didn't stop off anywhere for a for a nap or anything? - No.
- There's no sleeping compartment in the coach? No.
- What are you driving at? - I'm sure there's a bed waiting for you at the castle.
- A castle? Castle? What castle? There's no castle on this map.
No, wait, yes, there is.
Forgive me.
"Castle Kronsteen.
" Countess Kronsteen would love to have you.
No, thank you.
We have a perfectly good coach here - Settled, then.
You shall stay at the castle.
- Oh, Hans, can we? - Please? - Very well, my little liebfraumilch.
- What harm can come of it? - Ah! - Will you be accompanying us, Mr? - Rebenor.
No, I must eat first.
Thank you, driver Weird! Captain Brocken, do come in.
But you How the f I'll bring your luggage.
- Allow me.
- But you can't! Your arm Nonsense.
If a man can't carry his own wife over the threshold, what kind of man is he? - Hans, are you all right? - Fine.
But where's my bag? Yes, man, we have another bag with my wife's dresses and undergarments.
These were the only bags I saw, sir.
- Ever in the army? - Gay Hussars.
- Officer? - No, private.
But I WAS responsible for the officers' mess.
Right.
Very good.
That'll be all.
What a queer fellow! Like my seat? Er, no, thank you.
Good evening.
I am Countess Kronsteen.
Captain Hans Brocken of the 23rd Light Rapier Dragoons.
And this is my wife, Mrs Hans Brocken.
Mrs Hans Brocken is not easy to get your mouth round.
Carmina.
Ah, Carmina sits easily on the tongue.
This is Ingrid, my companion.
Nice castle.
- We're indebted to you for your hospitality.
- Not at all.
Visitors are food and drink to me.
Please, be seated.
Ahh! No, thank you.
You must forgive my wife's attire.
Carmina and I became wedlocked this morning.
I'm so sorry you've had such a dreadful day.
I hear it's been one disaster after another.
Quite.
We arrived at the hotel to find it was closed.
- It's in the Burgermeister's Guide, so - And my luggage is missing.
Well, then, I shall have to lend you one of my gowns, and it should be easy for you to get into my undergarments.
And you, Captain Brocken, infirm on your wedding night? A battle wound.
A large Turk surprised me from behind.
But I didn't let him interfere with my wedding arrangements.
- I'd just drawn my sword - I trust you have a taste for melons.
Ouch! I've pricked myself.
Honestly, darling, you've got blood all over your melon boat.
Can I take your cherry? A toast! To Carmina, whose beauty, grace and charm have brought fresh blood to Castle Kronsteen.
Carmina.
Not joining us, Captain Brocken? No.
I haven't had a drink since I was in the Volga when three Cossacks were hungry for my end.
- I'd just drawn my sword - Carmina, you must be weary.
Goodnight.
Hans, aren't you glad we waited till our wedding night? Er Yes.
The past ten months have flown by.
How do I? Carmina? Carmina Carmina! Are you awake? Oh! Uncle, may we swim in the hot springs? Now, Virtue, Chastity, I I I'm not sure.
Oh, please, Uncle, we've been pilgrimaging all day.
Oh, very well, then.
Good morning, Mrs Captain Hans Brocken.
Hans Great.
- Are you ready for your ride? - I beg your pardon? - Saddled and ready to go.
- Wh? You were hoping to plunge in this morning? - The hot springs.
- Oh, how marvellous! Will Countess Kronsteen be joining us? The Countess is not the earliest of risers.
- What about my wife's luggage? - I'm giving it my personal attention.
That's me done.
Ah-ah! I want you to put your whole arm in.
- What have you got there? - I'm not sure.
Aghh! Shouldn't we extract him? I fear even the hot springs of Hammerstein will not revivify the Monseigneur.
My name is Transeed Van Eyre.
Captain Hans Brocken of the 23rd Light Rapier Dragoons.
My wedding dress - it's gone! There, my dear.
- Now, what have we here? - One thing's for certain, - it's the worst case of drowning I've seen.
- Oh, no.
The Monseigneur did not drown.
As an officer of some experience, I know a wet dead body almost always means drowning.
But look at his face.
I tell you this man was frightened to death by fear! Hmm, but how can you possibly account for his being in the water? Simple.
He was plopped in.
- Who'd do such a thing? - You must leave here.
- We'll be safe, we're staying at the castle.
- All the more reason to leave! Castle Kronsteen is a place of darkness, especially at night.
The Monseigneur was travelling with his nieces, Chastity and Virtue.
I must find them! Ah, Carmina, how beautiful you look in my dress.
You must keep it, then every time you feel it against your skin, you'll think of me.
Did I tell you about the night I was grabbed by the Bulgars? I'd just drawn my sword Rebenor, the entertainment! Come with me.
I have something to show you.
Let's take some nibbles.
What a lovely room! I want you to have this.
I would love to see you with a splash of red on your throat.
I wonder, would you mind removing that thing? It will clash terribly.
The mirror! - It doesn't reflect you! - It's not a very good mirror.
Ah, Ingrid Hans.
Ingrid? Carmina! - Hans! - Yeah! My fabulous stallion! Yeah! I want you.
- I want you now! - All right! Carmina you seem so different! - Yes.
- Oh, yeah! Ooh, yes, Hans, you're so good Thank you! No! No, I can't! What about Hans? - I must remain faithful! - Oh? Come, let me show you something.
Don't cry, my dear.
Forget him! All men are blackguards.
Come to my bosom.
Hans, you're so good! I haven't even started! What the? No! Carmina! Hans! Oh, Carmina! Ingrid? Transeed Van Eyre! - Mahogany-tipped.
- I made love to Ingrid! Right! - And what exactly is it you do? - I, sir, am a hunter of the undead.
Castle Konsteen is alive with the undead.
Vampires.
Vampires?! Hah! Madam, there are no such creatures.
Virtue, Chastity, don't worry, my darlings.
I shall kill you.
Hand me that crossbow.
Is it loaded? My God! That wooden arrow must have passed through both their hearts! I suppose they wanted to murder us, then feast on our blood.
Bitches! Yes, but I fear your wife may be in even greater danger.
The most important weapon we have is the element of Of? Surprise! Oh, no! I'll chop your head off and stuff it with garlic! Are you intending to stick that little thing in me? Yes! Is it in yet? Yes! No! God have mercy! No, Countess, wait! I am a haemophiliac.
- My blood won't clot.
- But that's a good thing! I've got this! Carmina! Oh, my love! Aghhh! You pierced her heart with an occasional table! - Oh, horrible, horrible, horrible! - But absolutely necessary.
She and her kind can't touch us now.
Tonight we'll be back home in our bridal bed.
And I want us to forget all about these lesbian vampire lovers of lust.
But darling, there's a perfectly good bed here.
But That was truly diabolical.
Sapphical vampiricism, the love which dare not spell its name.
"But surely," you say, "there's no such thing as vampires or lesbians.
" But what's that under the bed? And who's that in the closet? Good night.
February 2017