Dr. Terrible's House of Horrible (2001) s01e04 Episode Script
And Now the Fearing...
Good evening.
I'm Dr Terrible.
Welcome to my House of Horrible.
We all have dreams from time to time.
The other night, I found myself back at my old school in the headmaster's study.
I was thwacking his naked buttocks with a triple-pronged, bamboo-backed, leather tawse, whilst his wife peed into a Ming vase.
Later that night, I had a dream.
I wish I could remember what it was.
I prefer nightmares myself.
(DR TERRIBLE) Meet three souls who are about to discover fate cannot be controlled at the touch of a button.
Hi.
You must be the millionaire Denham Denham.
Stephanie Wise, "Today Now" magazine.
Ah, yes.
Doing a feature on my luxurious new tower block, eh? Yes, for my series "Men who dare to scrape the sky.
" The high-rise, obelised phallus or iconoclastic erection.
Catchy.
Usually I panic in confined spaces, but this is like a steel womb.
Yes, I know.
What are you listening to? You're a lift attendant.
So just attend.
- Top floor.
- Mind the doors, please.
- Ah, the man himself.
- Denham.
Michael Masters, revolutionary architect, meet Stephanie Wise, journalist.
Columnist and author of "Big Design Vortex" and "The Position of the Penis.
" Charmed, I'm sure.
We're starting our tour out on the roof.
You'll be blown away.
The view.
It's very visual.
Come on, man! Top floor! 13th floor, it is, sir.
The 12th floor is the top floor.
There is no 13th floor.
Doesn't exist.
- And they fitted the wrong fascia.
- I've never seen anything so erroneous.
- We're trapped.
- No! No! No! No! You know, your fear of confined spaces, I'd put that down to claustrophobia.
Thank you for slapping me, Mr Masters.
My pleasure.
Sound the alarm, man! You're not paid to stand there enjoying yourself.
(BARELY AUDIBLE ALARM) That alarm sounds rather quiet.
Imagine that's due to the lift's reinforced walls.
Is it? No.
It's a quiet alarm.
Didn't want anything too obtrusive.
That sound reminds me of my dream last night.
- It begins with - I had a dream last night.
The dreadful dream.
It begins with me being rather jolly.
Fate is smiling on you, Denham, you stock market wizard.
Yes, couldn't have come at a better time, really, what with the old battle-axe away for the week.
What would Lavinia do if she found out what you're up to? - She never will.
- No, you're too lucky.
Bit of a gamble, though, methylated spirit futures.
Whatever made you think of it? Well, Jim, one sees an awful lot of vagabonds on the street these days and they've got to drink something! (RADIO) It's very wet, with low-lying mist creating treacherous conditions, so if you're heading home tonight at high speed, take extra care, whilst lady drivers are advised to stay indoors.
And now prepare yourself for what I'm sure is going to be a big smash.
(THUD AND SCREECH OF BRAKES) Bugger! Don't you know not to step in front of a drunk driver? Look, it's the wife's car, so I won't say anything if you don't.
Then nobody need lose face.
(ENGINE WON'T START) (ENGINE SPLUTTERS) (ENGINE REVS UP) Evening, Denham.
Heard about your killing.
What? Your killing.
Thought I might get some of your cash.
- Are you trying to blackmail me? - I heard the meths stock had doubled.
- Not too late for me to get on board? - Afraid so.
I've cornered the market.
- Not a word to Lavinia.
- 'Course not.
I know the form.
Ah, this is the chap I told you about, lucky beggar.
Denham, meet two good friends of mine, Ginger and - Mousy? - Sheila.
- Sheila, of course.
- Hiya! Ooh! That slips down very nicely.
I'll have another Singapore Sling and a Meaningless Fumble for the lady.
Two fingers! Foxy! My husband's a meths worker.
Says they'll be striking for at least a year.
Blames it on the speculators.
- How do you working girls make ends meet? - Oh, you know, I survive.
I've got a lucky face.
- Ah, Lavinia! - Denham.
- I didn't think you were back till Sunday.
- It is Sunday.
- Who is this woman? - It's not a woman, it's a tramp.
Well, we're agreed on that much.
I can explain.
Well, no, I can't explain.
I I I can apologise Eugh! - Denham is dead, as far as I care.
- If we run into him, we'll blank him.
(ALARM RINGS) I've had the same dream before.
Every time, I wake up in a pool of sweat from the waist down.
Steady on, Denham.
Don't scare the filly! Don't patronise me, this is 1972! Women are no longer slaves in the kitchen.
Now we're designing kitchens! Women's libber? Go ahead, burn your bra! Don't mind us! What are you smirking at, liftie? You're not on overtime.
If you men are up to a real nightmare, let me tell you my dream.
It begins with a picture of me.
Hmm An interesting coffee table.
Delicately brutalist.
I bought it at auction.
The previous owner died.
Some sort of domestic accident.
Head injury, I think.
Lucky for me.
There's a dent here.
Not exactly mint condition, is it? What's this? Ketchup? How barbarous! - I bought it in the north.
- This is a new shop, isn't it? Very brave, the blatant rejection of sophistication.
It's very here.
- You're Stephanie Wise! - How perceptive! Are you reviewing the shop? Yes, yes, that's what I'm doing, yes.
I'm prepared to offer you £15 - cash, naturally.
About a month's wages for someone like you.
I'll give you my number.
In case you need more info for your review.
I think I've got the measure.
My card.
I'm sure I'll make use of it.
- Stephanie Wise! - Milton Rosenberg! In London? How jet set! Of course, you're lecturing for the Design Council.
That's right.
Third World chrome.
A big, shiny future.
You Americans, you're so transatlantic! You know, I've just bought a Carreras coffee table for £15! Worth at least 30! - Wow! - The infamous card table.
A deliciously ironic work.
- It's the final piece which drove Carreras insane.
- Madness is the only option for a genius! Where others hold up a mirror to society, he holds up a table.
I think of it as a pelvic floor.
You simply must see it.
How about a fondue, midday Friday? Twelve for twelve thirty.
Twelve for twelve thirty, London time.
Nothing would suit me sweller! Idea for a treatise.
The Northern Line - London's fallopian tube.
Equate passengers to sperms, tube trains to eggs, Oxford Circus to intra-uterine cyst Needs to be thought through.
(CREAKING) Aghhh! (DOORBELL RINGS) Stephanie.
- I'm not unfashionably punctual, am I? - Er, this isn't the best time, Milton.
12 for 12.
30 and I'm in the mood to fondue.
I I'm sorry, Milton, I'm, er, on my period.
Well, er, that's OK.
In fact, that's great.
- No, it's a particularly heavy flow.
- Gee.
- I wanted to see your Carreras.
- I'm changing my pants every half hour.
Well Milton, I couldn't possibly fondue.
All I can eat is Ryvita.
Excuse me.
(MILTON) Could you bring the table to the door? Ah! Am I losing my brain? It's possible.
I am a genius.
The table! No.
No! No! (HAMMERING ON DOOR) I heard a scream.
You haven't scratched the table, have you? Stephanie? Stephanie? Stephanie! (SIREN WAILS) Fab Fabulous functionalist interior What's that noise? You, there! What's happening to me? No! Aghhh! And I always wake up AFTER I've died.
That isn't supposed to happen, is it? It's hotter than hell in here.
We're running out of oxygen.
I'm running out of cigarettes.
There's more oxygen at the bottom.
Sit down.
(DENHAM) Not you, lift boy.
You're still working.
What about you, Masters? What do revolutionary architects dream of? Oh, I never have dreams.
Although there is one dream I have all the time.
It begins as it always begins with the face of an idiot.
You there, gyppo! I'm looking for a Mrs Old Grandma Lee.
- You hear what I'm saying? - Pay no mind to him.
Josh only uses his head to keep his ears apart.
Come in.
Get a shift on, Josh! Those tyres won't burn themselves.
Sit down.
This land is due for redevelopmentalisation.
Yet you have seen fit to ignore the 14 formal requests for your exodus.
This signifies you.
The prince of spoons.
He puts himself first.
He takes big scoops and doesn't care who he hurts in the process.
- He's vain and arrogant.
- I have here a court order.
You must vacate this site by 12 noon on Friday 13th.
That's this Friday, tomorrow.
- Three generations have lived on this site.
- Yes, but only for the last two months.
I'm going to produce a luxurious block.
This precedes you, the shadow.
But how can your shadow precede you? The shadow indicates revenge, retribution.
The shadow is a thing of darkness.
Well, I don't want to waste either of our time, but That is a very good card, isn't it? No.
It means death.
And this means if you and your clan aren't gone by tomorrow, you'll be removed by force.
That's not a prediction, it's a promise.
What are you doing still here? Oh, yes, we will do that.
No, I preferred your first idea! (PHONE RINGS) Masters.
Ah, Mr Denham.
No, you've nothing more to worry about.
They were evicted from the site today.
Well, gypsies wouldn't be gypsies if they always lived in one place, would they? Ah-ha.
Michael Masters, you have surpassed even your own brilliance.
Your inverted pyramid was inspired.
Your two-mile toilet on the M3 was breathtaking.
But this, this is greater even than your spherical garage.
It will be the crowning glory on the Hackney skyline.
Yes, Michael Masters, all the heartache, all the pain that so many have had to endure, is worth your vision.
Don't let up now.
The devil is in the detail.
No, a 4B! Damn! Going to have to overhaul the entire system.
(GRANDMA LEE) The shadow is a thing of darkness.
Where's the bloody remote? Door! Door! Door! The electrics are gone.
Window! Window! Window! Window! Help me! Help me! What are you? No! No! No-o-o-o-o! No! No! I wasn't delirious.
I was acting.
I know.
13 o'clock! That can't be right! Oh, no, it's three o'clock.
- It's still trying to take us to the 13th floor! - There is no 13th floor! At least we're moving.
I thought we were all going to die! I'm sorry.
(LIFT ATTENDANT) What about my dream? Nobody's interested in your dreams, you stupid c Room for more inside.
Mind the doors, please! That was truly diabolical.
And what have we learnt from tonight's tale? Bugger all.
Goodnight.
(CRASH OF THUNDER) (HE FARTS) February 2017
I'm Dr Terrible.
Welcome to my House of Horrible.
We all have dreams from time to time.
The other night, I found myself back at my old school in the headmaster's study.
I was thwacking his naked buttocks with a triple-pronged, bamboo-backed, leather tawse, whilst his wife peed into a Ming vase.
Later that night, I had a dream.
I wish I could remember what it was.
I prefer nightmares myself.
(DR TERRIBLE) Meet three souls who are about to discover fate cannot be controlled at the touch of a button.
Hi.
You must be the millionaire Denham Denham.
Stephanie Wise, "Today Now" magazine.
Ah, yes.
Doing a feature on my luxurious new tower block, eh? Yes, for my series "Men who dare to scrape the sky.
" The high-rise, obelised phallus or iconoclastic erection.
Catchy.
Usually I panic in confined spaces, but this is like a steel womb.
Yes, I know.
What are you listening to? You're a lift attendant.
So just attend.
- Top floor.
- Mind the doors, please.
- Ah, the man himself.
- Denham.
Michael Masters, revolutionary architect, meet Stephanie Wise, journalist.
Columnist and author of "Big Design Vortex" and "The Position of the Penis.
" Charmed, I'm sure.
We're starting our tour out on the roof.
You'll be blown away.
The view.
It's very visual.
Come on, man! Top floor! 13th floor, it is, sir.
The 12th floor is the top floor.
There is no 13th floor.
Doesn't exist.
- And they fitted the wrong fascia.
- I've never seen anything so erroneous.
- We're trapped.
- No! No! No! No! You know, your fear of confined spaces, I'd put that down to claustrophobia.
Thank you for slapping me, Mr Masters.
My pleasure.
Sound the alarm, man! You're not paid to stand there enjoying yourself.
(BARELY AUDIBLE ALARM) That alarm sounds rather quiet.
Imagine that's due to the lift's reinforced walls.
Is it? No.
It's a quiet alarm.
Didn't want anything too obtrusive.
That sound reminds me of my dream last night.
- It begins with - I had a dream last night.
The dreadful dream.
It begins with me being rather jolly.
Fate is smiling on you, Denham, you stock market wizard.
Yes, couldn't have come at a better time, really, what with the old battle-axe away for the week.
What would Lavinia do if she found out what you're up to? - She never will.
- No, you're too lucky.
Bit of a gamble, though, methylated spirit futures.
Whatever made you think of it? Well, Jim, one sees an awful lot of vagabonds on the street these days and they've got to drink something! (RADIO) It's very wet, with low-lying mist creating treacherous conditions, so if you're heading home tonight at high speed, take extra care, whilst lady drivers are advised to stay indoors.
And now prepare yourself for what I'm sure is going to be a big smash.
(THUD AND SCREECH OF BRAKES) Bugger! Don't you know not to step in front of a drunk driver? Look, it's the wife's car, so I won't say anything if you don't.
Then nobody need lose face.
(ENGINE WON'T START) (ENGINE SPLUTTERS) (ENGINE REVS UP) Evening, Denham.
Heard about your killing.
What? Your killing.
Thought I might get some of your cash.
- Are you trying to blackmail me? - I heard the meths stock had doubled.
- Not too late for me to get on board? - Afraid so.
I've cornered the market.
- Not a word to Lavinia.
- 'Course not.
I know the form.
Ah, this is the chap I told you about, lucky beggar.
Denham, meet two good friends of mine, Ginger and - Mousy? - Sheila.
- Sheila, of course.
- Hiya! Ooh! That slips down very nicely.
I'll have another Singapore Sling and a Meaningless Fumble for the lady.
Two fingers! Foxy! My husband's a meths worker.
Says they'll be striking for at least a year.
Blames it on the speculators.
- How do you working girls make ends meet? - Oh, you know, I survive.
I've got a lucky face.
- Ah, Lavinia! - Denham.
- I didn't think you were back till Sunday.
- It is Sunday.
- Who is this woman? - It's not a woman, it's a tramp.
Well, we're agreed on that much.
I can explain.
Well, no, I can't explain.
I I I can apologise Eugh! - Denham is dead, as far as I care.
- If we run into him, we'll blank him.
(ALARM RINGS) I've had the same dream before.
Every time, I wake up in a pool of sweat from the waist down.
Steady on, Denham.
Don't scare the filly! Don't patronise me, this is 1972! Women are no longer slaves in the kitchen.
Now we're designing kitchens! Women's libber? Go ahead, burn your bra! Don't mind us! What are you smirking at, liftie? You're not on overtime.
If you men are up to a real nightmare, let me tell you my dream.
It begins with a picture of me.
Hmm An interesting coffee table.
Delicately brutalist.
I bought it at auction.
The previous owner died.
Some sort of domestic accident.
Head injury, I think.
Lucky for me.
There's a dent here.
Not exactly mint condition, is it? What's this? Ketchup? How barbarous! - I bought it in the north.
- This is a new shop, isn't it? Very brave, the blatant rejection of sophistication.
It's very here.
- You're Stephanie Wise! - How perceptive! Are you reviewing the shop? Yes, yes, that's what I'm doing, yes.
I'm prepared to offer you £15 - cash, naturally.
About a month's wages for someone like you.
I'll give you my number.
In case you need more info for your review.
I think I've got the measure.
My card.
I'm sure I'll make use of it.
- Stephanie Wise! - Milton Rosenberg! In London? How jet set! Of course, you're lecturing for the Design Council.
That's right.
Third World chrome.
A big, shiny future.
You Americans, you're so transatlantic! You know, I've just bought a Carreras coffee table for £15! Worth at least 30! - Wow! - The infamous card table.
A deliciously ironic work.
- It's the final piece which drove Carreras insane.
- Madness is the only option for a genius! Where others hold up a mirror to society, he holds up a table.
I think of it as a pelvic floor.
You simply must see it.
How about a fondue, midday Friday? Twelve for twelve thirty.
Twelve for twelve thirty, London time.
Nothing would suit me sweller! Idea for a treatise.
The Northern Line - London's fallopian tube.
Equate passengers to sperms, tube trains to eggs, Oxford Circus to intra-uterine cyst Needs to be thought through.
(CREAKING) Aghhh! (DOORBELL RINGS) Stephanie.
- I'm not unfashionably punctual, am I? - Er, this isn't the best time, Milton.
12 for 12.
30 and I'm in the mood to fondue.
I I'm sorry, Milton, I'm, er, on my period.
Well, er, that's OK.
In fact, that's great.
- No, it's a particularly heavy flow.
- Gee.
- I wanted to see your Carreras.
- I'm changing my pants every half hour.
Well Milton, I couldn't possibly fondue.
All I can eat is Ryvita.
Excuse me.
(MILTON) Could you bring the table to the door? Ah! Am I losing my brain? It's possible.
I am a genius.
The table! No.
No! No! (HAMMERING ON DOOR) I heard a scream.
You haven't scratched the table, have you? Stephanie? Stephanie? Stephanie! (SIREN WAILS) Fab Fabulous functionalist interior What's that noise? You, there! What's happening to me? No! Aghhh! And I always wake up AFTER I've died.
That isn't supposed to happen, is it? It's hotter than hell in here.
We're running out of oxygen.
I'm running out of cigarettes.
There's more oxygen at the bottom.
Sit down.
(DENHAM) Not you, lift boy.
You're still working.
What about you, Masters? What do revolutionary architects dream of? Oh, I never have dreams.
Although there is one dream I have all the time.
It begins as it always begins with the face of an idiot.
You there, gyppo! I'm looking for a Mrs Old Grandma Lee.
- You hear what I'm saying? - Pay no mind to him.
Josh only uses his head to keep his ears apart.
Come in.
Get a shift on, Josh! Those tyres won't burn themselves.
Sit down.
This land is due for redevelopmentalisation.
Yet you have seen fit to ignore the 14 formal requests for your exodus.
This signifies you.
The prince of spoons.
He puts himself first.
He takes big scoops and doesn't care who he hurts in the process.
- He's vain and arrogant.
- I have here a court order.
You must vacate this site by 12 noon on Friday 13th.
That's this Friday, tomorrow.
- Three generations have lived on this site.
- Yes, but only for the last two months.
I'm going to produce a luxurious block.
This precedes you, the shadow.
But how can your shadow precede you? The shadow indicates revenge, retribution.
The shadow is a thing of darkness.
Well, I don't want to waste either of our time, but That is a very good card, isn't it? No.
It means death.
And this means if you and your clan aren't gone by tomorrow, you'll be removed by force.
That's not a prediction, it's a promise.
What are you doing still here? Oh, yes, we will do that.
No, I preferred your first idea! (PHONE RINGS) Masters.
Ah, Mr Denham.
No, you've nothing more to worry about.
They were evicted from the site today.
Well, gypsies wouldn't be gypsies if they always lived in one place, would they? Ah-ha.
Michael Masters, you have surpassed even your own brilliance.
Your inverted pyramid was inspired.
Your two-mile toilet on the M3 was breathtaking.
But this, this is greater even than your spherical garage.
It will be the crowning glory on the Hackney skyline.
Yes, Michael Masters, all the heartache, all the pain that so many have had to endure, is worth your vision.
Don't let up now.
The devil is in the detail.
No, a 4B! Damn! Going to have to overhaul the entire system.
(GRANDMA LEE) The shadow is a thing of darkness.
Where's the bloody remote? Door! Door! Door! The electrics are gone.
Window! Window! Window! Window! Help me! Help me! What are you? No! No! No-o-o-o-o! No! No! I wasn't delirious.
I was acting.
I know.
13 o'clock! That can't be right! Oh, no, it's three o'clock.
- It's still trying to take us to the 13th floor! - There is no 13th floor! At least we're moving.
I thought we were all going to die! I'm sorry.
(LIFT ATTENDANT) What about my dream? Nobody's interested in your dreams, you stupid c Room for more inside.
Mind the doors, please! That was truly diabolical.
And what have we learnt from tonight's tale? Bugger all.
Goodnight.
(CRASH OF THUNDER) (HE FARTS) February 2017