Dr. Terrible's House of Horrible (2001) s01e06 Episode Script
Scream Satan Scream!
1 Good evening.
I'm Dr Terrible.
Welcome to my House of Horrible.
The last recorded burning of a witch in this country was one Molly McTiernan, who was torched at Walmsley Manor House in Suffolk last Thursday.
I can still hear the screams ringing in my ears.
Tonight's tale, however, does not have such a happy ending.
(DR TERRIBLE) Meet Captain Tobias Slater, witch locator.
You've been found guilty of kissing a goat during the hours of darkness, yodelling with frogs and of using vegetables in an ungodly manner.
In short, you do be a witch.
- Please, Master - Your master is Satan! - No, he isn't! - Yes, he is.
You are a liar.
A flaming liar! You need more than that to put out these flames.
Thou art cursed, Tobias Slater, cursed! My two sisters shall avenge me.
Yes.
Tygon, the potatoes.
Cursed! Aghh! Aghh! Thou art cursed, Slater! Cursed, I tell thee! Cursed! Cursed! By the devil's trident, thou art forked! Cursed! Completely forked! Aghhh! Tygon, the omens are strong, powerful strong.
I sense Satan's servants are beavering in the village of Glovely.
Be you Captain Slater? That I do be.
Captain Slater, witch locator.
There's work for thee in Devil's Hole.
The most virulent, pernicious evil is at large.
Virulent, pernicious evil, eh? Can it wait? Only there is urgent needing of me in Glovely.
Glovely? Why is ye going yon? All that's there is a girls' finishing school for young virgins.
Quite, quite.
Only I fear that they may be defiled before I can get to them.
- Do you have evidence of this evil? - Aye.
A woman gave birth to a screaming baby boy with flame-red hair.
- Red as the devil himself.
- I trust you burnt him? - Of course.
We're peaceful folk.
- Excellent.
Well, if there's nothing requiring my personal attention, I am Glovely bound.
A woman came to my bed chamber forced herself upon me, leaving me in a weakened state.
- Did she enjoy it? - Aye.
- Did you enjoy it? - She forced me to.
- She sucked the very essence from my - Enough! - That's what I said! - I will enter Devil's Hole.
I shall not withdraw, no matter how messy it may become.
Let us ejaculate no further.
There is much knobbing to be done.
Knobbing? By which I mean work.
Yes, work.
Evil will always assume the most attractive of disguises.
Thus one must always beware the woman of the species.
The more womanly the woman the more evil the, er evil is.
Aye, but the only witches I ever seen were ugly enough to make a blind man flinch.
That is because they were disguising their disguises.
- Pint? - Aye.
(ANIMATED CHATTERING) I sense there is a witch in this very room.
(SILENCE) She do be She do be The one who forced herself on you, who do she be? - She do be she.
- Do she? She do be you.
- No! - The other one.
Take and seize the saucy lass the sorceress! Such an extreme infestation of evil will require immeasurable measures.
- Yes - But I'm a good girl.
I go to church! I think you look wicked! - Totally wicked.
- Please, sir, I'm not a witch, I'm a wench! I shall be the judge of that! And the jury.
And the executioner.
And No, that's That's it.
Er, thank you.
She's not a witch.
How goes the knobbing? - The work.
- Er, yes Er Hard but satisfying.
Twins! You know, the devil always brands his servants with his own private number.
That number is 666.
Is this number conceal-ed on your bodies? - Oh, no, sir.
- Any other numbers? Oh, no, sir.
Are you capable of unnatural acts? We'll see! The, er, quarter hour will suffice.
Better make it half.
Captain Tobias Slater! We have you now, Slater! Now might the smiting commence! (CACKLING) Ahh! Ah, hello! Er, I've, er, exhausted all the suspects.
I must have scrutinised every girl in the village.
I can do no more than that.
You probed them as best you could.
Hmm But I would like to see some of them again tomorrow for re-questioning.
I'm sure I can get more out of those 17-year-old twins.
- There do be one other girl.
- Yes? Abides in a shack in forest.
Mind, she's t'priest's daughter.
Innocence does not mean one is without guilt.
Yes, erm If the Bible teaches us anything, it is that innocence and guilt are but different sides of the same coin.
Yes, and that coin is God's shilling of justice.
Yes Praise him, praise him, praise the Lord (WINDOW SLAMS) Shoo! Shoo! - (SHE GASPS) - You may well gasp as I come upon you.
- Thou art a witch.
- No.
Then what possible purpose would you have for this broom? It's for sweeping up! Yes And flying! Ah, a black cat.
- You put it through the window! - Silence! The symbols of witchcraft are all around you.
In that case explain this.
Is this your sweeping up hat? Believe me.
I am innocent and virginal.
Hold fast! Who are you? What's happening to my pure unsullied virgin daughter? I am Captain Tobias Slater, witch locator.
And on the morrow, your daughter has an appointment with some kindling.
And some flames.
I'm going to burn her to death.
Goodnight.
Slater ye be worm without spine.
Toad's scrotum a lark dandelion burdock vanilla essence half a cup of caster sugar a pinch of whizz tablespoon of dog wee knob of butter hair of bastard.
Priest man.
Priest man, what bringeth you here, priest man? I need your help.
Now my pretty.
Do you confess? Yes, I confess.
Oh.
Erm Excuse me.
Thank you, Tygon.
That will be all.
I confess I find this pantomime to be a farce! You have a lively tongue.
That interests me.
A pity it will be burnt.
But there is, of course, another way.
I know you're a woman of great pride.
The question is, are you prepared to swallow it? Oh, yes, I will make that sacrifice.
- Oh, good! - I shall offer my soul to God! He will save me.
I see.
You're certain of that? Right.
You don't want a back-up plan? Oh, dear.
If you come to plead for your daughter's life, you have had a wasted journey.
When I locate a witch, she stays located.
My own daughter a witch.
I never suspected it.
The whole village is indebted to you.
Ale for the Captain! I'm gratified you've had the common sense to see sense.
Sleep sound in your beds tonight, Devil's Hole.
Upon my word there shall be no more witchcraft.
- Ale for the Captain.
- Thank you.
To Captain Slater, witch locator.
May all evil be exposed and expunged.
To me.
No! No! One at a time.
Now both together.
O Lord, I beseech thee to look kindly upon your most humble servant, Captain Tobias Slater, witch locator as I dunk women in ponds.
For ever and ever, Amen.
Mr Norden, you know me.
You know I'm no witch.
- There's a test.
- We've got this ducking stool.
See, if you float No, no, no.
If you drown, you No, hang on If you float, you're a witch.
- Then we burn you.
- Yes.
But if you drown, you're not a witch.
But if I drown, I'll die.
- A small price to pay.
- And we have this ducking stool.
But I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't! It doesn't make any sense.
Yes, but we've got this ducking stool.
- Inundate her! - (CROWD) Aye! Inundate her! (SILENCE) Put her in the water.
Wait! How can we drown this innocent young girl? Is she not the daughter of a priest man? We all know where the real evil lies.
Captain Tobias Slater! Ha! Me? Evil? Do my ears deceive me? (GASPS) (DONKEY BRAYS) What? I can't believe you're using a witch trial, of all things, to persecute a harmless individual.
Silence, man-witch.
Tobias Slater, thou has been observed being idolatry.
You can't be idolatry.
That's the worship of false idols.
- Thou knows a lot about it.
- I'm a witch locator, you big bald bugger! - Dunk him! - It was a joke! - I say we poke him.
- Aye, that's a good idea.
Why dost thou stare so? Thou caught it with thy left hand.
That's wrong! Seize the woman witch! Yes! Slater thou art cursed.
(SLATER) Before I burn you alive, have you anything to say in your defence? (MUFFLED) I thought not.
Stop this! You cannot fight evil with evil.
Yes, you can.
Burn the slug! As you wish.
Let my father the priest speak.
With this man as your priest, it's a wonder I didn't find the entire village in pointy hats.
This will only bring more suffering on our village.
Believe me, I've seen what witchcraft can do.
That's wrong! Father, have they always been like that? I made a deal that you might be saved.
Those are unsanctioned legs.
Yes.
They are unnatural extensions of God's original design.
Erm Kill the cloven-hoofed cleric.
Yes, let's do that.
Father! Father! Slater! Slater! Thou art cursed! Dominoes quad erat demonstrandum, quid pro quo, quim, curriculum vitae et cunnilingus latte spirito di punto.
Slater Thou art cursed.
Cursed! Our work here is ended.
I am more than satisfied.
Tygon, let us make haste for the virgin scholars of Glovely.
- Is there much knobbing to be done there? - What? Yes, much knobbing and, er, muffle diving.
Thank you.
Father? My father, the priest? (CRASH OF THUNDER) Don't worry, Tygon.
The thunder is merely God applauding our work.
Yes.
And the lightning is, er Well, that's just showing off.
Aghhh! Oh, well.
At least lightning never strikes twi Tobias Slater, thou hast murdered my sisters two.
Well, that's true.
There's been too much death.
It's got to stop and I can see that now.
Two more shall die in this ring of stones tonight.
First, Satan shall have his pleasure with the virgin.
- And you'll force me to watch! - No! - Right.
- Then Satan shall punish you in the ring.
You mean the ring of stones? Satan, join us! Look, you're an intelligent attractive woman Should we really summon Satan? I mean can we really trust him? (EVIL WHISPERING) (SATAN SPEAKS IN TONGUES) Yes, Lord.
That is what I shall do.
I shall cut out his eyes and show them to him.
I didn't hear him say that! (THUD) Ah, Tygon, my plan worked perfectly.
You really did bury the hatchet! Oh, dear.
I think you've got a bit of blood on it.
Slater, you are cursed.
Thou art cursed, Tobias Slater, cursed! Shut your face.
I kicked her head in to the fire.
The horror is finally ended.
Oh, no, my pretty.
The horror is never ended.
Father! No! My father, the priest! Better to be dead than to be an abominalisation.
Bloody 'ell! (DONKEY BRAYS) That's wrong.
Er That was truly diabolical.
These days, however, witches are harder to locate.
Gone are their pointy hats and black cloaks of yesteryear, replaced by boob tubes, hot pants and big shoes.
They don't cast spells any more.
They just wait till you fall asleep, then steal your wallet.
You end up paying twice.
Goodnight.
February 2017
I'm Dr Terrible.
Welcome to my House of Horrible.
The last recorded burning of a witch in this country was one Molly McTiernan, who was torched at Walmsley Manor House in Suffolk last Thursday.
I can still hear the screams ringing in my ears.
Tonight's tale, however, does not have such a happy ending.
(DR TERRIBLE) Meet Captain Tobias Slater, witch locator.
You've been found guilty of kissing a goat during the hours of darkness, yodelling with frogs and of using vegetables in an ungodly manner.
In short, you do be a witch.
- Please, Master - Your master is Satan! - No, he isn't! - Yes, he is.
You are a liar.
A flaming liar! You need more than that to put out these flames.
Thou art cursed, Tobias Slater, cursed! My two sisters shall avenge me.
Yes.
Tygon, the potatoes.
Cursed! Aghh! Aghh! Thou art cursed, Slater! Cursed, I tell thee! Cursed! Cursed! By the devil's trident, thou art forked! Cursed! Completely forked! Aghhh! Tygon, the omens are strong, powerful strong.
I sense Satan's servants are beavering in the village of Glovely.
Be you Captain Slater? That I do be.
Captain Slater, witch locator.
There's work for thee in Devil's Hole.
The most virulent, pernicious evil is at large.
Virulent, pernicious evil, eh? Can it wait? Only there is urgent needing of me in Glovely.
Glovely? Why is ye going yon? All that's there is a girls' finishing school for young virgins.
Quite, quite.
Only I fear that they may be defiled before I can get to them.
- Do you have evidence of this evil? - Aye.
A woman gave birth to a screaming baby boy with flame-red hair.
- Red as the devil himself.
- I trust you burnt him? - Of course.
We're peaceful folk.
- Excellent.
Well, if there's nothing requiring my personal attention, I am Glovely bound.
A woman came to my bed chamber forced herself upon me, leaving me in a weakened state.
- Did she enjoy it? - Aye.
- Did you enjoy it? - She forced me to.
- She sucked the very essence from my - Enough! - That's what I said! - I will enter Devil's Hole.
I shall not withdraw, no matter how messy it may become.
Let us ejaculate no further.
There is much knobbing to be done.
Knobbing? By which I mean work.
Yes, work.
Evil will always assume the most attractive of disguises.
Thus one must always beware the woman of the species.
The more womanly the woman the more evil the, er evil is.
Aye, but the only witches I ever seen were ugly enough to make a blind man flinch.
That is because they were disguising their disguises.
- Pint? - Aye.
(ANIMATED CHATTERING) I sense there is a witch in this very room.
(SILENCE) She do be She do be The one who forced herself on you, who do she be? - She do be she.
- Do she? She do be you.
- No! - The other one.
Take and seize the saucy lass the sorceress! Such an extreme infestation of evil will require immeasurable measures.
- Yes - But I'm a good girl.
I go to church! I think you look wicked! - Totally wicked.
- Please, sir, I'm not a witch, I'm a wench! I shall be the judge of that! And the jury.
And the executioner.
And No, that's That's it.
Er, thank you.
She's not a witch.
How goes the knobbing? - The work.
- Er, yes Er Hard but satisfying.
Twins! You know, the devil always brands his servants with his own private number.
That number is 666.
Is this number conceal-ed on your bodies? - Oh, no, sir.
- Any other numbers? Oh, no, sir.
Are you capable of unnatural acts? We'll see! The, er, quarter hour will suffice.
Better make it half.
Captain Tobias Slater! We have you now, Slater! Now might the smiting commence! (CACKLING) Ahh! Ah, hello! Er, I've, er, exhausted all the suspects.
I must have scrutinised every girl in the village.
I can do no more than that.
You probed them as best you could.
Hmm But I would like to see some of them again tomorrow for re-questioning.
I'm sure I can get more out of those 17-year-old twins.
- There do be one other girl.
- Yes? Abides in a shack in forest.
Mind, she's t'priest's daughter.
Innocence does not mean one is without guilt.
Yes, erm If the Bible teaches us anything, it is that innocence and guilt are but different sides of the same coin.
Yes, and that coin is God's shilling of justice.
Yes Praise him, praise him, praise the Lord (WINDOW SLAMS) Shoo! Shoo! - (SHE GASPS) - You may well gasp as I come upon you.
- Thou art a witch.
- No.
Then what possible purpose would you have for this broom? It's for sweeping up! Yes And flying! Ah, a black cat.
- You put it through the window! - Silence! The symbols of witchcraft are all around you.
In that case explain this.
Is this your sweeping up hat? Believe me.
I am innocent and virginal.
Hold fast! Who are you? What's happening to my pure unsullied virgin daughter? I am Captain Tobias Slater, witch locator.
And on the morrow, your daughter has an appointment with some kindling.
And some flames.
I'm going to burn her to death.
Goodnight.
Slater ye be worm without spine.
Toad's scrotum a lark dandelion burdock vanilla essence half a cup of caster sugar a pinch of whizz tablespoon of dog wee knob of butter hair of bastard.
Priest man.
Priest man, what bringeth you here, priest man? I need your help.
Now my pretty.
Do you confess? Yes, I confess.
Oh.
Erm Excuse me.
Thank you, Tygon.
That will be all.
I confess I find this pantomime to be a farce! You have a lively tongue.
That interests me.
A pity it will be burnt.
But there is, of course, another way.
I know you're a woman of great pride.
The question is, are you prepared to swallow it? Oh, yes, I will make that sacrifice.
- Oh, good! - I shall offer my soul to God! He will save me.
I see.
You're certain of that? Right.
You don't want a back-up plan? Oh, dear.
If you come to plead for your daughter's life, you have had a wasted journey.
When I locate a witch, she stays located.
My own daughter a witch.
I never suspected it.
The whole village is indebted to you.
Ale for the Captain! I'm gratified you've had the common sense to see sense.
Sleep sound in your beds tonight, Devil's Hole.
Upon my word there shall be no more witchcraft.
- Ale for the Captain.
- Thank you.
To Captain Slater, witch locator.
May all evil be exposed and expunged.
To me.
No! No! One at a time.
Now both together.
O Lord, I beseech thee to look kindly upon your most humble servant, Captain Tobias Slater, witch locator as I dunk women in ponds.
For ever and ever, Amen.
Mr Norden, you know me.
You know I'm no witch.
- There's a test.
- We've got this ducking stool.
See, if you float No, no, no.
If you drown, you No, hang on If you float, you're a witch.
- Then we burn you.
- Yes.
But if you drown, you're not a witch.
But if I drown, I'll die.
- A small price to pay.
- And we have this ducking stool.
But I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't! It doesn't make any sense.
Yes, but we've got this ducking stool.
- Inundate her! - (CROWD) Aye! Inundate her! (SILENCE) Put her in the water.
Wait! How can we drown this innocent young girl? Is she not the daughter of a priest man? We all know where the real evil lies.
Captain Tobias Slater! Ha! Me? Evil? Do my ears deceive me? (GASPS) (DONKEY BRAYS) What? I can't believe you're using a witch trial, of all things, to persecute a harmless individual.
Silence, man-witch.
Tobias Slater, thou has been observed being idolatry.
You can't be idolatry.
That's the worship of false idols.
- Thou knows a lot about it.
- I'm a witch locator, you big bald bugger! - Dunk him! - It was a joke! - I say we poke him.
- Aye, that's a good idea.
Why dost thou stare so? Thou caught it with thy left hand.
That's wrong! Seize the woman witch! Yes! Slater thou art cursed.
(SLATER) Before I burn you alive, have you anything to say in your defence? (MUFFLED) I thought not.
Stop this! You cannot fight evil with evil.
Yes, you can.
Burn the slug! As you wish.
Let my father the priest speak.
With this man as your priest, it's a wonder I didn't find the entire village in pointy hats.
This will only bring more suffering on our village.
Believe me, I've seen what witchcraft can do.
That's wrong! Father, have they always been like that? I made a deal that you might be saved.
Those are unsanctioned legs.
Yes.
They are unnatural extensions of God's original design.
Erm Kill the cloven-hoofed cleric.
Yes, let's do that.
Father! Father! Slater! Slater! Thou art cursed! Dominoes quad erat demonstrandum, quid pro quo, quim, curriculum vitae et cunnilingus latte spirito di punto.
Slater Thou art cursed.
Cursed! Our work here is ended.
I am more than satisfied.
Tygon, let us make haste for the virgin scholars of Glovely.
- Is there much knobbing to be done there? - What? Yes, much knobbing and, er, muffle diving.
Thank you.
Father? My father, the priest? (CRASH OF THUNDER) Don't worry, Tygon.
The thunder is merely God applauding our work.
Yes.
And the lightning is, er Well, that's just showing off.
Aghhh! Oh, well.
At least lightning never strikes twi Tobias Slater, thou hast murdered my sisters two.
Well, that's true.
There's been too much death.
It's got to stop and I can see that now.
Two more shall die in this ring of stones tonight.
First, Satan shall have his pleasure with the virgin.
- And you'll force me to watch! - No! - Right.
- Then Satan shall punish you in the ring.
You mean the ring of stones? Satan, join us! Look, you're an intelligent attractive woman Should we really summon Satan? I mean can we really trust him? (EVIL WHISPERING) (SATAN SPEAKS IN TONGUES) Yes, Lord.
That is what I shall do.
I shall cut out his eyes and show them to him.
I didn't hear him say that! (THUD) Ah, Tygon, my plan worked perfectly.
You really did bury the hatchet! Oh, dear.
I think you've got a bit of blood on it.
Slater, you are cursed.
Thou art cursed, Tobias Slater, cursed! Shut your face.
I kicked her head in to the fire.
The horror is finally ended.
Oh, no, my pretty.
The horror is never ended.
Father! No! My father, the priest! Better to be dead than to be an abominalisation.
Bloody 'ell! (DONKEY BRAYS) That's wrong.
Er That was truly diabolical.
These days, however, witches are harder to locate.
Gone are their pointy hats and black cloaks of yesteryear, replaced by boob tubes, hot pants and big shoes.
They don't cast spells any more.
They just wait till you fall asleep, then steal your wallet.
You end up paying twice.
Goodnight.
February 2017