Drifters (2013) s01e06 Episode Script

What's in the Box?

1 Megamix? 'Mark's home and he's being weird.
I need backup.
Where are you?' Well, we are very busy.
Guess what we're doing? We're giving blood! Giving blood? You do know you don't get paid for that? Yeah, you do.
No, you're thinking of sperm.
'Scuse me! Do we get paid for this? No.
You're thinking of sperm.
We're coming over.
All right, Mark? Meggles! Are we well? Is everything OK, Mark? Yeah.
It's just you seem a bit happy? I've finally found a venue for my club night.
It's great you're throwing yourself into your hobbies, Mark.
It's not a hobby, it's a job.
And I'm going to DJ.
What are you going to play? Now 24? Well, yeah.
I'm putting on a '90s night.
It's the hottest decade right now.
Surely the hottest decade right now is the one we're actually in, what with it being the most up to date of all the decades.
Hi, girls.
How did you get in? Used our keys.
Does anyone want a flyer for my club night? '90s night? I'll put that in my Funfax.
Yeah, page me.
Did you pay the electricity bill, Meg? Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's just they're threatening to cut us off.
Well, I mean, they always say that.
They wouldn't always say that if you actually paid them.
And can I trouble you for the rent? Yes and no.
I've got half.
Maybe Bunny and Laura could chip in, seeing as they live here now.
What a great idea.
Hang on a minute.
We only come here to charge our phones.
And shower.
And sleep.
Can you give us till the end of the week, Mark? Yeah, speaking of which, are you free to come down on Friday? Yeah.
I think that might be one of the mixed signals we talked about, Mark.
I was hoping you could all flyer for my night.
Yeah, bit busy at the moment.
It's 30 quid each.
We'll be there.
We're basically throwing an online jumble sale.
I'm going to add retail to my CV.
Right, the boots are going up.
Nice boots.
No, dear.
On-trend, must-have, funky, vintage, high-street, designer Look at that.
Already two bids.
Oh, no, that's me, I did a couple of fake bids, get the ball rolling.
Has anyone seen my hairdryer? In that box.
You can bid, but it's about to be sold.
I just bid on this pristine Westwood dress.
Well, this is going really well! We need cash, not dresses.
Haven't you got owt to sell, Meg? What's in that box? I dunno.
It's Mark's stuff.
What's this? What's a cream pie? Oh, dear Dirty boy, Mark.
Nah, worthless.
Sentimental value, that's all.
Sentimental? Oh, yeah.
I'm feeling a bit nostalgic, I think I'll take a trip down memory lane and pop into the Anal Asylum.
I think you've seen enough.
Hey, this tank top's doing well.
Got messages.
"We can see your breasticles.
" Eh? What? Let me see.
"Does it come with a semi-naked girl?" Oh, my God.
Oh, shit! Bunny, your tits are on the internet! Quick, take it down! Yeah Let me just read What? "Lovely jugs.
" "Real nice cans.
" "Nice puppies.
" Thank you.
I've always wanted to be an internet meme! What's this one? "Modelling work"? Yes, please.
Well, that's creepy.
Don't reply.
It'll be some perv.
Don't be silly.
Perverts aren't allowed on the internet.
'90s night.
Poor Mark.
Don't feel sorry for him.
It's a shit idea.
Let's sack it off.
I'm bored.
I've got to get to my modelling job.
Are you honestly going to go? It's £20 an hour, Meg! Too right! It's danger money.
The guy could be a rapist.
It's a life drawing class, Meg.
He's not a criminal, he's got a website.
Oh, because real life sex pests don't know how to set up websites, famously! Let's go with her.
No, I promised Mark I'd go to his night and, judging by the look of things, I am the crowd.
All right, I'll just go with her.
I really appreciate the support.
I want 20%.
See you, then! Good luck with your tits.
Whoa! Are you all queuing for the '90s night? Obviously, yeah.
I'm on the guest list.
Have fun.
Er, excuse me.
Are you going to pay? I think I'm on the guest list.
And you are? Meg.
Megan Keswick.
I know Mark.
Are you a VIP? Depends who you ask! No.
Well, you're not on the list, so I can't let you in.
Watch your backs, please, guys.
Is that actually Pat Sharp? Off Fun House? Yeah.
Really? Wow.
Oh, there's Mark.
I told you, Mark Mark! I'm not wearing the mullet wig.
Mark! Mark! I think he's a bit busy with the artist at the minute.
I do know him.
Look if you want a ticket, it's a fiver.
Nice outfit by the way.
Very '90s.
I'm not in fancy dress.
OK, you guys, let's rerun the fun and wave your hands in the air like you just don't care! Long live the '90s! Hello, Meg, thanks for coming down.
This is brilliant, Mark! I thought it was going to be like your 21st, nobody here.
I interact a lot more these days.
I can't believe you've done all this.
It's really impressive.
Sorry, I sound surprised, don't I? Very.
Sorry, I'm just really surprised.
Sorry, I'm doing it again, aren't I? I like your suit.
Is it new? Yeah.
Have you been working out? A little bit.
Check the guns! Tune! Ah, ladies, good evening.
Hi, I'm Bunny.
You must be David.
It's Davide.
Here's the deal.
She'll do semi-naked for 20, but if you want full frontal it's double.
Oh, she won't be naked.
Oh, right.
Well, she still wants 20.
She'll be nude.
Nakedness is associated with shame and embarrassment.
Nudity's different.
It's art.
I want Bunny .
to feel confident and comfortable.
Right, well, we haven't got much time, so where's this class happening? Oh, it's just this way, up here in the studio.
Come you in.
Right, no messing, when's the rest getting here? Oh, no, it's just me.
I'm sorry if I misled you.
Um, I'm the class.
I'm always learning because life is a lesson and lessons are life.
All right, Jeremy Kyle.
I need a word with my client.
Bunny, over here.
I don't care.
The whole internet's seen my tits, and I was going to get my kit off in front of 20 people, so why not one? What's the problem? Fine.
She'll do it.
But we want 20 up front.
Is this real wine or what? Ladies and gentlemen welcome to the '90s! Are you having a good time? Yeah! I said, "Are you having a good time?" Yeah! Leeds massive! Leeds massive! I just want to very quickly say thank you to you all for coming down to the launch tonight and, of course, thanks to Mr Pat Sharp! Thanks, man! But I want to also thank a very special lady who's in the audience tonight.
She's been the inspiration and driving force behind getting this whole night off the ground and I just want to say, "You rule my world, babe".
This is for you.
Excuse me, sorry.
Oh, hi, Meg! Do you want a drink? Yeah, I do.
Bottle of champers, please, Ryan.
Stick it on the tab.
I can't believe you're knobbing the door girl.
She's the venue manager.
I can't believe you're knobbing the venue manager.
Yeah? I'm just so happy.
I mean, how fit is she! I really feel like I'm moving on.
She makes me feel good about myself.
I'm confident, I'm capable, I'm running my own business, I've got new friends, I've got money, I've got a girlfriend.
I just feel sexy, and you won't believe this, Meg she likes it up the bum.
Um, just tilt your leg out for me slightly.
Bit more, a little bit more.
Oh, yes, it's very powerful is that.
Are you comfortable? Very.
It's beautiful.
Actually, I think I know what might be more beautiful if you just pull that sheet down a little bit more.
Just pull it down.
Pull it down a bit more.
A bit more.
I think we need to see a bit more tit hanging out.
Right, that's another 20.
Oh, yes, this is very sensual, this.
Very powerful.
Thank you.
Oh Right, we're going! Hey? What?! Get your stuff.
I knew it.
He's a perv.
No, this is an art class! I'm not a pervert.
If you're not a pervert, how come you've got a massive boner? Oh.
Well, can we at least see the picture? No, not yet! Come on.
No, I insist.
Right, we're out of here.
So, do you want to get the bus back with me to our house? I think we're going I'm just going to pop to the loo.
All right.
Get a room! She's only going to the bog! See you in a minute.
So, Mark, I just wanted to say, well done for tonight.
I really mean it.
I can't believe how much you've turned it around.
- You've obviously got a real talent for all this.
- And you look really fit.
I suppose, this is the new me.
Well, I hope the new Mark doesn't forget about the old Meg.
I never thought I'd hear you say that.
I think we're going to get off.
I want to get back together.
What? Meg! What are you doing? You know I've got a girlfriend.
I need some space.
I'll see you at home.
All right.
You won't believe what's just happened.
I just tried to kiss Mark.
Come again? He was really good at the organising and he's really popular, and everyone was dancing, and I thought, "That's Mark, that's my Mark.
" And then there's this door-girl girl, his girlfriend, and then so I tried to ask him if he'd get back together with me, then I tried to kiss him, then he walked off.
OK, I think I know what's going on here.
Meg, darling Is this what happens when we leave you on your own for five minutes? You've lost the plot, mate.
You've really let me down.
Meg, I don't need to think about it.
I'll tell Fay it's over.
Of course I'll get back together with you.
You're the love of my life, Meg.
I bet you that's the girlfriend.
It's going to kick off any time.
Wait for it Now! What the hell, Mark?! Oh, right, so when you said it was awkward between you two, you meant you wanted to fuck her? Can I just say, not awkward, and he was mine first? Meg, please.
This is a train wreck.
You cheating shit! I can explain.
Oh, yeah? Get off.
In front of my face? You're all the fucking same! That is it.
We are over.
Oh, and if you think you're bringing your night back here Yeah, just go.
Get out! And don't come back here.
Well, I think we can safely say that's over.
Let's go home.
Are you guys coming? Yeah, right behind you.
I'd give it an hour or so.
To me and you! Yay.
I can't wait to get my old life back.
It's all just about you, and nothing else matters.
I feel like I can do anything now I've got you back! Can I tell you something? Is this about the bum sex? I don't care about that.
Oh, thank God.
I've been working on a hip-hop project as a way of getting over you.
Won't need to do that now! No! Shall I rhyme to you? Um I sit alone all day and stare I don't talk to you, just the lock of your hair At least I've got the photos, though Where you look like a model in a motor show Will I be alone now, sitting on the shelf? Nobody to hold, now I'm forced to touch myself Please don't tell me that I been lied to I just want to die Inside you! Sorry, Mark.
I think I'm going to be sick.
'Meg?' Are you OK? Yeah, I'm just being sick.
Everything's OK.
It's just because I'm so happy.
Well, I'll carry on, then.
We live together It's not enough for me to say Next door is only a footstep away.
I think that's from the Neighbours theme tune.
Oh, yeah.
Mark, move! This is an intervention.
Right, Meg, as your closest mates who love you, we want you to know that you are a total fuck-up.
I need to dump him again.
It's him or us, Meg.
I thought I fancied him again, but he's just started, well, being Mark again.
I think I just didn't want to see him happy with anyone else.
Is that bad? Yeah.
Yeah, it is.
Oh, shit.
I think he thinks I love him.
Why? Because I told him I love him.
Right, well, you go in there and you tell him that you've just changed your mind.
Are you mental? I can't confess to that! OK, just say that you have a medical condition, like Tourette's.
Love Tourette's.
Yeah, great suggestion! Or I could just tell him I'm moving to Crazyville.
Right, I've got it! I know what men hate Mark, I want us to start a family.
I don't want to waste any more time.
I need you to put a ring on it, Mark.
Meg, I I dunno.
Is this freaking you out? Um, yeah.
I need total commitment.
If you're not on board with that, just say.
Meg, I I can't believe I'm saying this, but of course I'll marry you.
What? If that's what you want.
I'll do anything for you.
Sorry OK, it's a shitstorm.
Why? We're getting married.
OK, what's plan B? That was plan B.
Is this Mark's phone? Yeah.
Right, OK, I can sort this.
Meg, you make sure Mark stays in his room.
Here's the plan.
I've always wanted to try this.
I've always wanted to dominate you, Mark.
Really? Mm-hm.
Back in a sec.
Hi, I had a text from Mark to say to come here to talk? In here.
What is going on? You! Yes.
Look, I know, I'm awful.
Does this whore want to mess me about any more tonight? No-one's ever called me that before.
Oh, right, so you just brought me here to rub it in? Mark! Mark! Fay? Oh, please be a kinky explanation.
Look, I can explain.
I very much doubt that! .
by snogging my fucking boyfriend! Selfish cow! OK.
Let's all just put the spatula down and relax, and Meg can explain.
I need your help, Fi.
I have a confession to make.
When I was in the club, I realised I had feelings for Mark again.
No shit.
So, what I did was Kissed him in front of his girlfriend.
But, turns out, not actual real feelings.
Not into the guy.
Just didn't want to see him happy with anyone else.
Now I've remembered, he's way too intense and creepy for my taste.
So, he's through there.
He's all yours.
I apologise for any inconvenience which may have been caused and I hope you have a pleasant onward relationship.
You're right.
What? You're right.
He is way too intense and creepy.
I was totally humiliated by what you did, but I was also secretly relieved it was over.
I've just been using him for sex, really.
No, you weren't.
Come on, you two are perfect for each other.
Mark's kind and he's generous and he's good-looking in a way.
Well, you go out with him, then.
No, you go out with him.
No, you.
I don't want to.
So, Mark mentioned you had quite a lot of anal sex.
Good God, Meg! Sorry.
Just curious.
I don't know anyone that likes it, that's all.
Yeah, it's fine.
It's nice.
I heard it was better if you have a hot shower and finger your bum hole first.
Really? Yeah, Google said.
Well, I should go and untie Mark and tell him I'm a terrible person and only split up his relationship because it was damaging to my ego.
Mark So, you heard all that, did you? Most of it, yeah.
Did you hear the bit where I said I didn't actually want to get back together with you and just not wanting to see you happy with anyone else? Yeah.
Did you hear the bit where Fay said she also found you intense and creepy and she was just using you for sex? Yeah.
Did you hear the bit where I said anal sex was better if you fingered your own bum hole in the shower first? No, I didn't hear that bit.
I'm going to go.
Er, I'll call you, Mark.
Don't bother.
See ya! Bye, Fay.
Right, I want those two out.
I want my rent money and I want back all the gifts that I've ever given you.
Well, we can't turn back time, Mark.
We've already been to see Cats, and that was more for you than me.
The iPod? Fine.
The stockings? Bit weird.
Oh, and, Bunny your tits are all over the internet.
I know! Oh.
They really mean it about the cutting-off thing, then? 'Fucking hell, Meg!' He's quite sexy when he's angry.
Oh, hello! Ah! Oh, thanks!