Drifters (2013) s02e05 Episode Script

Hen Don't

1 Oh, oh, oh, oh-oh Oh, oh, oh-oh I'm so excited Oh, oh, oh-oh Oh, oh, oh-oh, oh I'm getting frightened Oh, oh, oh-oh, oh, oh Someday, someday, Leeds United.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR) Oh, hey, Scott.
This came for you, I signed for it.
Com? Pfft! No.
No idea.
(CLATTER) Is that? You've got something round your mouth.
- Oh, have I? - It's the other side.
Come here.
Mmm! Oh, my God.
I'm so sorry, I can't believe I just sucked your thumb, that was so weird.
Do you like me, Meg? Are you kidding me? I told you I fancied you.
- I actually said the words "I fancy you".
- Yes, but you were shouting at me.
- I thought you were being sarcastic.
- Really?! OK.
Whoa, Meg.
Slow down.
Sorry, I'm just excited.
And also Mark's in the next room.
OK, well, let's go over to mine.
- No, that would be weird.
- Why, cos you saw me - having sex with your cousin there? - Little bit, yeah.
Meg, look at me.
I think you're incredible.
I just wanna get to know you.
All of you.
There's no rush.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, no, no, no, no, that's cool.
- When shall when shall we do that? - I'll come over tonight, and, hey, let's just not tell anyone.
I won't tell a soul.
Mark, I'm seeing someone.
I wanted to let you know because I didn't want you to feel hurt, or uncomfortable or jealous.
That's absolutely fine.
You didn't need to tell me.
Don't be upset.
Er, Meg, as I keep saying, I have moved on.
It's Scott, though.
But Bunny went there.
Willing to overlook it.
God help him.
Uncle Nige, congratulations! - Have you met Laura? - Hiya! Hey, you're punchin' a bit above your weight, aren't you, Gaz? You wanna put a ring on that one soon, an' all.
Katerina's over there! That's her sister, she translates.
She want to tell you something.
I do speech now.
Tell me after.
- (GLASS CLINKS) - Thank you, thank you.
Now, I think most of you know that I didn't just come back from the Ukraine with some new contacts for my IT firm.
Oh, no.
I also came back with this lovely creature.
May I introduce to you the future Mrs Ekaterina Evans? (SPEAKS UKRAINIAN) She says she's sorry, she no want you any more.
She met a rich man on plane, she go live with him in Kent.
- (ALL GASP) - She is sorry.
Yeah, well, you won't like it, because Kent's a shit-hole.
It's a shit-hole! Sorry, Nige.
She cost me a fortune.
The wedding's all paid for.
What am I meant to do with - Shipley Town Hall now? - Is it, like, all paid for? Well, 80% at least.
I suppose I could take the chairs back and I'll just have to tell Barry we won't need an Elvis that night.
Oh, Christ, what a waste! (SHE SNIFFS) Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Here.
Take it.
Gary, what you doing? The timing is perfect, Laura.
- Think about it.
- People are looking.
Get up.
- A free wedding.
- Gary! Marry us, Laura.
How free? I think I might get a puppy or find God.
What do you think? I think because I haven't spoken to you for two minutes you're making stuff up.
Right then, Home Girls, listen up.
This is big.
It's about Gary.
- O-M-Jesus, he's gay! - No, Ginge.
- You've cheated on him again? - No.
- You've broken up again? - About time, darling.
- He's a complete loser.
- No.
Shut up.
He's proposed to us.
- No way! - Shut the front door! - What did you say? - I said yes.
- Not no? - No.
I said yes.
Is this one of your clever jokes? Yeah.
It is a wind-up, isn't it? You aren't really making an eternal commitment to Gary? The wedding's 80% free, Meg, and I love him, don't I? Ah well, congratulations! Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Oh, Bunny, say something! I don't want to be last! Sorry! I mean, congratulations.
(CHEERING) Hey! So, who's gonna be your maid of honour? - I mean, how are you going to choose? - Oh, it's Meg.
I want a proper hen organising, Meg - spa day, white robes, little sarnies that don't fill you up.
Oh, and karaoke.
And cocks.
Cock straws, cock confetti, cocks on me head, on a spring, - all of it.
- Roger.
OK, guys, OK, OK! OK, I need to tell you something.
I also have major news.
I wasn't certain, but I can now confirm I'm pregnant with child.
Piss off, Bunny! - Whose is it? - Yeah, whose is it? As you both know, I've had several soul mates recently, - so the hand of fate shall decideth.
- You mean you don't know? - No, I've got no idea.
- Right, well, have you even taken a test? A woman knows her own body, Meg, and Moses hath not parted the Red Sea this month.
Normally it's just a gippy tum-tum.
And also, I'm really tearful (SOBS) Don't get upset, hen do's not till next weekend.
You've got a whole week to get rid of that.
That's if I even want an aborsh.
Believe me, it'll be worth it.
Right, Meg, next weekend, carnage.
Are you OK? I am very OK.
- Shit! - Oh, hey, you guys! Well this is cosy! Mark! Oh, don't look so shocked, Meg's told me about your secret little affair.
- Oh, I love this film! - Mark! Hmm? All right! I cannot believe we just had an entire conversation with my ex-boyfriend, with your fingers inside me.
- Do you want me to carry on? - It has actually kind of put me off.
Yeah, it was a bit weird.
Look, I really want us to have some private time together, just the two of us.
We could go away for a couple of days and just explore each other, mentally and sexually.
Like a dirty weekend? I'm gonna book us a hotel for next weekend.
- Next weekend? - Yeah.
- Where do you want to go? - Er somewhere with karaoke? Thank you for arranging daytime activities for me, Meg.
Just so worried that you'd forget about me, like that time you went to hospital.
This isn't for your benefit, Bunny.
Look, it's Laura's special day.
Do you think you could put the fake pregnancy drama on hold for a bit? That's so insensitive! Mason! Good to see you! How are you? Right on time, well done, you! That's a nice top.
Looking forward to the day? Er, right, well, good.
OK, in you go.
Hiya, I'm Chelsea! Are you Meg? Laura's told me about you - how you can't get no cock.
Right, well, I mean, I do have other characteristics.
Oh, don't worry.
I'm a master cock finder.
How do you think I ended up with three kids before the age of 25? You've got kids? Oh, what's it like? I'm Bunny, I'm probably having a baby.
Fuckin' hell, how posh are you? Right, OK, we do need to make our way into the spa area now, so, walking and talking.
Hiya! Good effort on the venue, Meg.
All for you.
Like I always said, Laura, by all means have fun, but organise it properly first.
Gary's got a pencil dick! Doo-dah! Doo-dah! Sorry! She found out.
She is your mum.
Doo-dadle-doo-dah-day! Wahey! There she is! Hen! Hen! Hen! Hen! My daughter, a wife.
As if! - All right.
- Come on, let's get you dressed up.
I've got cock straws, cock whistles, cock badges here.
Um, I think we've already got quite a few accessories, Cath.
Well, you can never have too much cock, can you? Shall we make our way in now? In we go, in we go.
You will tear, and this is what the midwives don't tell you.
I was sliced, vagina to asshole, to get Jack out of me.
Have you seen Alien? Because that is bang on.
You think you've lost all your dignity, then you become this bleeding, oozing, leaking zombie who stinks of someone else's shit, and the worst part is, you don't even care.
That sounds that sounds beautiful.
Right, OK, off we go.
Hen! Hen! Hen! Meg! Let me look at you.
You look beautiful.
Is that a new brooch? Er yeah.
All for you.
Look, I, um, just want to let you know I'm going to be late.
But you're here.
Yes, but I'm not, though, that's the thing.
So you're making me wait? Oh, yes, yes, I am.
- That's exciting.
- Mmm.
I don't want to rush things either.
And when I get back, things are going to get pretty steamy.
- What are you going to do? - Um sexy sex things? - Mm-hm.
- Like, er, role play.
The sex kind, not the medieval battle kind.
Not that I've ever done that not recently.
Maybe I should wait in the bar? No! No, no, you stay here, you bad boy! I honestly won't be long.
So I'm on all fours having me crack waxed and I'm holding me arse cheeks open, like that, and the beautician goes, - "Ooh, I like your ring!" - I said, "You what?" She said, "Is it real diamond?" Where've you been? Just sorting out a few bits and bobs.
Shaving your chuff? - No.
- Combing more like.
Meg likes it au naturel.
Yes, mainly because I'm not a porn star or a child.
- Oh, no, it's got to be all off for me.
- And Brazilian for me.
Mason goes Brazilian, don't you? I had to stop when I realised the woman who does my waxing puts me in more positions than me husband! - (OTHERS LAUGH) - (LAUGHS SELF-CONSCIOUSLY) Does sex get boring once you get married, then? - Yeah.
- I reckon it's my own fault.
I like to go on the bottom so my tummy looks flatter.
On top so your boobs look bigger.
Or doggy so they can't see any of it.
You all right, Mason, enjoying yourself? Right, well, I think that's me relaxed.
I'm gonna go and get changed, I think.
Has she got the shits? (EASTERN-EUROPEAN ACCENT) Hello, housekeeping? Can you come back later? Scott, it's me, obviously, I'm in character.
Oh, shit, sorry.
Er come in.
- You order extra pillow? - That's code for you're a prostitute.
I don't want you to be a prostitute.
It's just ethically speaking, the whole sex traffic thing (EASTERN-EUROPEAN ACCENT) OK I'm housekeeper, then.
Yes, um, I'm very naughty.
Why? Because I am here, but contractually I am only entitled to a ten-minute break.
Oh, OK.
So what do you do on your break? I, um, do sudoku and eat a rice cake very quickly.
(MOANS) Er, no, Meg, er (CLEARS THROAT) Iriana what do you really do? I, um Pfft! finger myself in toilet.
- (PHONE RINGS) - Oh, shit, I've got to go.
- What? - Room 36 need an adaptor.
Meg, that's not sexy.
- What is going on? - Nothing! (EASTERN-EUROPEAN ACCENT) Oh, no! My break is over.
I will come back when I have hoovered second floor.
Meg! Fuck sakes! I tell you what, nothing annoys me more than the question, "Where do you want me to come?" I know! What kind of question is that? - Anywhere but the face.
- Some people like that.
- Bullshit! - Some people like it.
And when they blow their load and then they're out like a light, leaving you to towel down.
And then other times they take all of fucking eternity - and you're just willing them to finish.
- Especially when they're pissed.
Gary's always trying to thumb it in, hoping it'll come back to life.
I can just feel it shrivelling away in my twat.
Oh, the sweet ecstasy of denial.
That's when you've got to have your go-to quick spunk move.
- What's that? - Trigger finger.
Press the magic button.
Bingo! Lmmaculate ejaculate.
Works every time.
Oh, God, is that what I think? Well, if you're thinking, do I sometimes stick my finger up their arsehole to make 'em come so as I can get a bit of shuteye, then, yeah.
- Hmm.
- Where have you been? - Nowhere.
- You disappeared off, darling.
Everyone noticed.
You're a shit maid of honour.
Maybe she's been having it off with some mystery fella.
- Pfft! - Huh! BUNNY: Who, Meg?! So what's next on the agenda, then, Meg? Um, well, I mean, this is kind of it, really.
It's probably home time soon, I would have thought.
- (YAWNS) - Who's going home? I'm not.
There's a bar through there which I intend to drink dry.
Who's with me? Where the hell have you been? Look, what's going on? I really feel like you're messing me around now, Meg.
No, no, look.
I, um I'm here.
You're not going anywhere? I'm not going anywhere.
So do you want to just snuggle? Oh, um, I mean, I'd prefer it if you snuggle inside me.
What's it gonna be? Cos I can't pretend No! Don't you want to be more than friends? Hold me tight and don't let go I'm going to make love to you all night.
Have the right to lose control Don't let go - There'll be some love-makin' - Heartbreakin' - Soul-shakin' - Love Midnight At the Oasis Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah I think you should apologise to Laura.
Um, I think you should stop pretending to be pregnant.
Where the hell have you been? She's hammered and she's gone to the dark side.
- Oh, you mean, the Annihilator's here? - Yes.
She's done a tactical chunder, though, but she was disappointed that you - weren't there for it.
- Oh, shit.
- Help me.
- No, I don't think I will, actually.
Oi, Meg-a-bitch, we know what you're up to.
Oh shit.
Do you? Look, I'm sorry, I should have told you, it's just that Yeah.
You think you're better than us.
No! You think I'm a chav or summat.
You've been fucking avoiding me and my mates - you're embarrassed by us.
No! I mean, it is a bit embarrassing, but that's not why I've been disappearing off.
Yeah, it fucking is, just be honest.
All right, fine, I'll be honest.
I've got someone upstairs.
- Pfft! - An actual grown man who for once in my life wants to penetrate me and get to know me as a person.
He booked us in here as a dirty weekend, and it clashed, so I've been sneaking around doing both all day and it's been both stressful and sexy.
Pfft! You expect us to believe that, Meg? Oh, fuck off.
There's no way you've got a bloke.
Fine, whatever you think.
- I'm getting the bill.
- Let's fucking have it large! Doo-dah! Doo-dah! Let's fucking have it large! Doo-doo-doo-doo-dah-day Eurgh! Is that? Delayed seepage.
You dirty bitch.
Ha-ha-ha-ha! Yes! Yes, it is! Delayed seepage - actual, real delayed seepage coming out of my vagina, onto the floor and the chair because I've been shagging.
Now do you believe me? (SIGHS) I'll get a cloth.
Bullshit! - Meg! - All right, who is it, then? Oh, my gosh, it's Scott! It's a sign, such a fit sign.
Bunny! What are you doing here! I need to tell you something.
I'm probably pregnant.
- What? - And I think intuitively that it might be yours.
- We used protection! - That's what I said! - I remember seeing it.
- Meg! - You knew about this? - Yeah.
And you didn't think to mention it to me? Well, I thought it would be a bit of a mood killer.
Told you we'd been knobbing.
- Tell her.
- So you two have been having sex, even though you knew that I could be pregnant and that he could be the father.
- I had no idea.
- Yeah, but she's not, though.
She hasn't even taken the test! - You haven't even taken the test! - I'm sure she knows her own body, Meg.
Oh, not you as well! She's been chatting abortions all day.
She wasn't even gonna tell you.
Really? Well, I only knew that you were the father two minutes ago but maybe it's not a sign seeing as you're sleeping with Meg.
By the way, all of this is made up so it's not like any of it matters.
Right, this is all just a bit too much, OK? I'm going to leave now.
I dunno how I feel about you or this or any of that.
Yeah, well, you felt fine with my finger up your arse an hour ago, didn't you? - Bye, Meg.
- You filthy cow.
Oh, like you haven't done it.
- Bunny let me know, yeah? - Yeah, sure.
You broke the sacred vow, Meg.
You were my maid of honour on my hen do, and you put dicks before chicks.
Yeah, and my dick too.
Not my dick, obviously, but a dick that once belonged to me.
We'll talk about sloppy seconds later.
You fibbed.
Mates don't fucking fib.
All right.
Mates don't fucking fib.
So this is it.
You're really going to marry Gary, are you? Gary? Who sits on his arse playing Xbox and wanking all day? He's your life partner, is he? Come on.
Hands up if you think Laura's only getting married because the wedding's 80% free.
And cos I want the presents.
Hands up if you think Laura shouldn't marry Gary.
- Oggy, Oggy, Oggy! - Oi, oi, oi! MEN: Down it, down it, down it, down it, down it! - But I've said yes now.
- Oh, darling, just go back on your word, I do it all the time.
Laura! Where have you been? I've been looking for you all night! I love you.
I've got something I want to ask.
Will you marry us? Yeah, you've already asked me that, Gary, you mong.
Have I? Yeah, and the answer's no.
Can I still feel your tits? You're actually a pretty good maid of honour after all.
This is decent.
Well, Moses has parted, ladies, so Scott's not the baby-daddy.
- No shit.
- How late were you? Oh, I wasn't late, but sometimes you just know.
Yeah, and sometimes you don't and you're just attention seeking.
I still want to get a puppy, though.
I can still fuck him, though, can't I? He was a good fuck.
I was well looking forward to that reception.
We were gonna do Pussycat Dolls as our first dance.
Eternal commitment's a pretty big price to pay for a party, though, Laura.
Sorry, mate.
Thank fuck! - I know! - That were weird! (SCREAMING) Cut my tongue out I've been caught out Like a giant juggernaut Happy hours Golden showers On a cruise to freak you out We could fly a helicopter Nothing left to talk about Ba-ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba-ba Bwark!