Drifters (2013) s04e01 Episode Script


1 Laura? I'll show you to your desk.
Well, you know what to do.
Gary, it's me.
You're dumped.
So, you're not gay? No.
Are you waiting for something to clear up? No! It's OK if you've got a micro-penis, I can work around it.
My penis is fine, Meg.
I just didn't think last night felt like the right time, OK? Are you in a cult? Like I said, several times, I just want to wait.
That was 12 hours ago, so, does that constitute enough wait? That suits you, by the way.
I should give you this back.
Meg I really like you, Meg.
I really like you too, Andrew.
And it's not that I don't find you extremely sexy, I just I want our first time to be special.
Yeah, me too.
I'm not in any rush.
I'll make us some breakfast, then.
Eggs royale OK? Who goes there? It's Scott, I heard screaming, is everything OK? Scotty, hi.
Oh, my God.
Seriously frightening emergency situaish.
What happened? I was having my morning nap Morning? OK.
And then I felt a hand.
And then I saw her.
It was the ghost of Granny Primrose.
OK, so everything is fine.
No! What if I'm cursed? Like in The Ring.
OK, well, that's not going to happen, so How do you know? Because curses aren't real and, I don't know, maybe it was a good thing.
Yes! Well, it's a sign.
I mean, I always knew I was special and gifted.
But now you're telling me I'm psychic.
I didn't say you were psychic I guess I always knew.
But I didn't KNOW know, you know? Better get to work.
When you have a gift, Scott, it is your duty to share it.
May I? Oh, Scotty.
This is very interesting.
Patrick, Nathan.
I'll try and remember everyone's names.
We're decorating a bit for Halloween.
Didn't want you to be left out, so Cheers.
Thought my first day would be scary enough, but Rrraghh! You doing anything for it? Halloween? Big-time.
I always go to my mate's house party.
It's legendary.
And sexy.
Gets pretty out of control.
It's wild, like me.
You should come.
All of you.
So now we have to have a Halloween party? We'll just put some Quavers in a bowl, WKD in a cauldron, get some of those glow-in-the-dark skellies from the party shop, hammer them into the wall.
Bosh, it's party time.
I think that might have a pretty adverse effect on our tenancy agreement.
OK, guys, I am really interested in this, but me now.
You won't believe this, but I'm psychic.
Yeah, you're right, I don't believe it.
Meg! I saw the ghost of Granny Primrose.
Yeah, Granny Primrose is still alive.
Is she? Yes, she's alive, she just lives in a nursing home and you never go and see her.
Well, in my dream she was definitely dead, so maybe that means that she's going to die and I've predicted it.
Well, she is 83.
The point is, Meg, I have a psychic gift.
Scott said so.
He was really impressed.
Scott? Not jealous, are we, Meg? You've got Andrew now.
Yeah, I know.
Don't get me wrong, Andrew ticks all the boxes.
Fit, clever, texts me back on the same day.
Has he ticked your box, though, Meg? Still no.
OM-Jesus, Meg.
Isn't that, like, date four? Five.
I think he's being a gentleman.
Oof! What a turn-off.
And I'm trying to be cool about it, but OK, real talk.
Why are you whispering? It's just us.
I'm on a new pill and it's making me verycharged.
Soggy box? Yeah, I had to rub one out in his en-suite.
Ugh! Now I've got that image.
Right, it's time to bring out the big guns.
If he's playing hard to get, you play it harder.
Be demure, mysterious, coy.
I can do that.
I'm fine! I'm fine! Sorry! Welcome to my house.
Would you like to come in for a nightcap? Nightcap's code for sex.
Oh, hey, party people! Hello.
Mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah! Hi! I'm Andrew.
Bunny, hi.
I'm starving, is there anything to eat? Did someone have a few drinks? Someone did, yes.
Do you want a cheese stick, Andrew? No, thanks.
I'm sober.
Oh, I do.
Uhh! What film is this? Dracteria Bloodcastle.
It's amazing.
God, I hate these films.
Pure patriarchal fantasy.
If you ask me, fetishising violence against women, now, that is the scariest thing about Halloween, know what I mean? What have you had for dinner, a dictionary? Andrew's a feminist.
Shall I show you le boudoir, Andrew? Are you going to be OK up the ladder, Meg? The ladder? Have you seriously got a five-star Uber rating? Probably not any more, no.
Come on.
This way, please, boy.
Look, I know you want to wait but I think we should just shag now and get it over with.
You're very drunk.
I'm not that drunk.
So you don't have to worry, it wouldn't be rape cos I'm up for it.
I'm saying yes, please, have sex with me.
Feel down here if you don't believe me, I've got a well soggy box.
OK, yeah, wow.
Thank you.
I better go, I've got work in the morning.
So do I, big deal.
Come here.
I Only Have Eyes For You by The Flamingos Lie down.
Oh, what, are you tucking me in?! Sweet dreams.
Oh, don't go.
Please! It's unlimited broadband, for 18 months, that's the fibre-optic.
Laura Wiley, sign here, please.
Sorry, do you mind holding for one moment? Gaz, what the fuck are you doing here, you wank? I needed to see you.
You can't just leave without any explanation.
I've told you, I'm focusing on my career.
Everything OK? Who are you? I'm her boyfriend.
Well, I guess we'll be seeing you at this epic Halloween party, then.
What epic Halloween party? You're not invited.
I know what's happening here, Laura.
All these men are gorgeous.
All right, gay! Please, Laura! Gaz, get out.
Before I have you thrown out.
Security! He's not a real courier! He's not my boyfriend.
He's more like a stalker that I barely know.
So, you coming to the party, then? Yeah, I might come by later.
Might? What, what time might you come? I'll text you.
Back to work, you.
Let's sell the shit out of this broadband.
Hi, Scott.
I just want to say thank you so much for enlightening me about my gift.
Sorry? My psychic abilities.
I'd love to repay the favour if you'll let me.
We're having a get-together.
On Friday night, yeah, Laura told me.
Something about a slutty Halloween party? Oh, Laura, how uncouth.
No, no, no, no, no.
You see, for me, as a psychic, Halloween is really more about exploring the veil between the living and the dead when it's at its thinnest.
So do I need to wear a costume? Yes, please.
Well, we both look sensaish.
You should seriously wear that outfit more often.
Guys, are you ready to be afraid? What even are you? I'm the scariest thing of all, the patriarchy.
Props - briefcase, full of porn, sexist.
And binoculars, with which to objectify women.
Oooh! Boobies! It's so political, Andrew is going to love it.
This ain't happening.
What? It's a joke.
Meg, men hate it when girls make jokes, everyone knows that.
Just to be clear, you two still haven't fucked? No.
Right, you're getting changed.
Oh, come on! It's mega-LOLs.
You sure about this? Much better.
Now you look like her.
It's definitely really political.
I can't take any more rejection from Andrew.
It's make or break tonight.
If you're really desperate you can always do the Come Bluff.
Good call! Wait, the what? What is it? The Come Bluff.
It's a technique I normally save for the truly unattainable Grade A hottie.
Wh-What is it? You just tell them you haven't come from sex before.
They can't resist the challenge.
God, I hate this bit before a party and you feel like no-one is going to turn up.
You have invited people, haven't you? Who have YOU invited? Just spirits, but obviously only I can communicate with them.
Soz, guys.
Yeah, yeah, they're here.
Oh, and Scott, bless him.
I think he might be in love with me.
We shared my spiritual awakening.
You mean he wants to fuck you.
Tonight is about channelling my gift, sex doesn't come into it.
I mean, your tits are right out.
The call centre hottie said they might not come till later.
Might?! Right, get the music on.
Remember, slutty party, guys.
It's someone dressed as Santa.
Oh, and Andrew! OK, make it look like we having fun.
Let's dance.
Dance! Sluttier! Slutty fun! Ready? Andrew! Do come in! Oh! Hey.
You came.
That's, that'sthat's cool.
Sorry, I didn't see you.
I was just busy dancing and having a great time.
Is that Nathan? Who's Nathan?! Gary, out, now! You looknice.
What are you supposed to be? I'm a porn person.
It's It's political.
How? Empowering.
Look, I know it's over and you've moved on.
You've been wasting your time with a loser like me for too long now.
Let me come to your party.
I'll be no trouble.
All right, you can stay, because I need to get my numbers up in case my fit workmates come.
And if they do come, you can leave.
Deal? Deal.
It's Scott! And someone else.
I can't see who.
Let's dance.
Dance! He's made a real effort for me, bless him! Scott, hi! Oh.
Who are you? This is Lizzie, my girlfriend? Hi.
- Happy Halloween! - Happy Halloween! Eurgh! What's in that?! My special recipe - beer, absinthe, whisky, rum, wine orange squash, milk So, Lizzie Has Scott told you I'm psychic? Psychic? Well! Yes.
It is impressive, isn't it? Oh! The spirits! Oh, they're getting restless! It's time for the s?ance to commence.
Fucking hell.
Guys, as it's Halloween, the veil between the living and the dead is at its thinnest, so I'm going to use my gift to contact spirits or souls using a method called souling.
Souling? Is that short for ARSE-holing? I love you.
Shut up.
OK, I'm channelling the other side now.
Does anybody have anything they'd like to ask? Yep.
What time is Nathan getting here? I'm not going to bother the spirits with that.
Do you have a proper question? Yep.
How long are we doing this bollocks? I don't think it's bollocks.
Thank you, Lizzie.
And I will start with you.
Could you cross my palm with silver? Hm, this is interesting.
This is about your relationship.
You're in a new relationship, am I right? Yes! I sensed that.
You didn't really sense it, though.
I mean Oh, no, is it bad? Yep.
This does denote death.
Oh, my God! You might not die, it just means the relationship itself is doomed.
Bloody hell, Bunny! Oh, no! It's not real! Shall we play a game? ALL: Yes! No, no, wait! Oh! OK I'm getting something I'm getting a spirit of It's a man.
Does that mean anything to anybody? No.
He's northern.
Ask him if his name is Nigel.
Of course it's not fucking Nigel, Gary! It might be! It is Nigel! Uncle Nige! Yeah, he's saying Sorry I had to go.
Yeah? He only died a few weeks ago.
Is he OK? No, Gary, he's dead.
You were quite close, weren't you? Yeah.
After me dad left, my mum were left on her own with me and my brother, so Uncle Nige were the closest thing I had to a real .
thing you had to a real dad.
Fuck's sake! Sorry Nothing to be embarrassed about, mate.
He's saying Hi, Gary.
Hi, Nige.
He is wearing trousers! Yeah! He always wore trousers! And he hashe has a wallet.
Nige Anda pen and paper! That makes sense! He always wrote stuff down! What else? Ask him if he's met Prince.
He's gone now.
But it just goes to show that the souls of the dead, they never leave us.
That's ?5, Gary.
- Right, drinking game.
- Yes! I'm not done yet.
You're being a buzz kill! This isn't a slutty party! Let's play I've Never.
Everyone knows the rules? If you have done it, you drink.
If you haven't done it, you don't.
I've never witnessed such disrespect for the dead! That's not the game.
I've never been so heartbroken in all me life.
I've never been so in love.
Again, it's not the game.
I've never come from having sex.
Really?! Are you sure? Mm-hm.
So did you just fake it, then, or what? No.
But Never come from having sex, Scott, so let's just drop it.
That can't possibly be true.
All right, Scott, just leave it.
Why do you care so much, anyway? I'm just curious.
- Shall we play a different game? - Yeah! Have you two had sex? Yeah, we have, but it was no big deal.
I was talking about Scott and Meg.
Oh, sorry.
Yeah, they have, yeah.
What the fuck?! Right, I see.
Please don't leave.
Just going to the toilet.
All right, fine.
Just let me explain Why would you take me to a party where you'd slept with two people? Anyone else in the building you've slept with? Lizzie, don't leave! Lizzie! Thanks a lot, guys.
Great party.
Oh, boy! Somebody wasn't ready to hear the truth.
I'll go over now.
Scott will need me.
Bunny, just leave it! You've already caused a massive fight.
I think you've done enough.
Oh, you can never do enough, Meg.
Not when you havethe gift.
And she just shattered all hopes of me ever sleeping with Andrew.
It's a bust all round.
Party's over.
Nathan is not coming, is he? Who is Nathan?! The guy I want to fuck, Gaz.
I look well hot, an' all! What a waste! Scott, is everything all right? I just want to say I'm sorry.
I'm sorry that my psychic abilities caused your rift.
Not only between this world and the next, but also in your most sacred relationship.
You're not psychic, Bunny, you're psychotic.
Then how do you explain me predicting the end of your relationship with Lizzie? Bunny! What?! Thank you so much for just laying it all out in the open.
Me and Scott talked about it and he explained to you meant nothing.
Nothing at all.
That it was just meaningless.
Clinical, if anything.
Worked the whole thing out.
Thank God for your psychic abilities, we're stronger than ever.
Best be off then.
One more drink? Before you go To mates! Mates! Outfit suits you, by the way.
So does yours.
I quite like you with a beard.
Do you want to come and sit on Santa's knee? Just as mates, like.
All right.
Can mates still kiss? He was a fling, he was just a shag.
Just a meaningless notch on the bedpost.
He seemed like a nice guy.
Lovely bloke.
But, er just a fling, really This is exactly what I'm worried about.
I want more with you, than justsex.
Definitely! Yeah.
I've been in this situation before and I don't want to get hurt.
I trust you.
That's why I've waited.
I just think it's so important that we're honest with each other.
Yeah, I completely agree.
We should absolutely be honest with each other.
So is it true that you've never come from sex before? Yeah.
Well, um Maybe we should rectify that.
# I do what I love and I love what I do Stop me, stop me I'm stopping you.
Are you sure this is OK? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's fine.
Just put it straight in.
Oh, thank God! Oh! Ohhh! Actually, can we stop? It's just I'm not really feeling it now that I've Yep.
Sure? Yeah, cheers.
Jesus! Close the deal, Gary! I'm closing it! Hello, can we? Hi.
Everythingall right? Yeah You've met Gary? - All right, mate? - All right.
Guys, can you keep it down? What's all the commosh? Ohhh-ohhh-ohhh! Has he just? No.
- Shall wego? - Yeah.
We're going to go.
See you Monday, Laura.
Shall we? Yeah.
Ahem Oh Thanks a lot, Santa! Get out! Ohhh And take the bins with you! Out!