Drop Dead Diva s01e02 Episode Script

The 'F' Word

- - - - But there was a bit of a mix-Up And i woke up in someone else's body.
So now i'm jane, A super-Busy lawyer with my very own assistant.
I got a new life, a new wardrobe, And the only people who really know what's going on with me Are my girlfriend stacy and my guardian angel, fred.
I used to think everything happened for a reason Whoo! and, well, i sure hope i was right.
Drop dead diva w w w .
B i e r d o p j e .
C o m I got a brand-New pair of blue jeane Me and my posse lookin' fresh and so clean I used to wear entire outfits with less fabric.
It's a minimizer, sweetie.
And the extra-Wide wings will help with the uplift.
I'm never gonna get used to her.
You don't have to.
Four words - Diet, exercise, pluck, and polish.
Now, don't move.
Ow! sync:frs@j`cat Good morning.
Where are you?! Getting ready for work.
Ow! Are you okay? I'm fine, teri.
No, you're not.
You are two hours late.
Your "assistant" can't talk to you like that.
You can't talk to me like that! - Jane? - Yes.
Get your ass to the office - Now! She yelled at me.
What are you gonna do about it? Drive really fast and apologize? Don't apologize, and be careful driving - That's what got you into this, sweetie.
Now, repeat after me - I am the boss.
I am the boss.
You're right! I am the boss! Hey!It's been a week since you were shot.
Maybe you should start showing up on time.
I am the boss, fred.
You are the help, And the help doesn't tell the boss what to do.
You think i'm the help? Your words - You're my cosmic babysitter, Sent down to earth to make sure i behave.
That makes you the help.
Lucy tyner has been waiting in your office.
- Is this latte nonfat? - What? Never mind.
No, i don't want the doughnut.
I mean,i really want the doughnut, but i don't want the doughnut.
Four grams of trans fat, Is it really worth it, teri? It's got sprinkles.
That's another 80 calories.
Too much talking, not enough walking.
Please tell me you remember lucy's case.
It goes to trial tomorrow? She was fired from her job as a cocktail waitress At the sun bar.
Anything? Still got the amnesia.
But i love the sun bar.
There's the cutest bartender, and he gives me free spritzers.
Lucy was fired for - Sexual harassment! This is not a game show.
Lucy was fired for being overweight.
Well, everyone who works there is like a model, So that totally makes sense.
We represent lucy, not the bar.
Stop scoping the new guy! His girlfriend died like a week ago.
Pull it together, jane.
I'm so sorry i'm late.
Well, you're always on time, jane, So i'm sure it was something important.
Um, well, nothing is more important Than you feeling confident in court tomorrow.
I'm scared, jane.
I had to borrow money from my mother to pay my rent.
Do you really think we're gonna win? Well, i'm gonna do the best that i can.
Why did you do that? What? You just gave me the body check.
That thing that skinny girls do? I know what they're thinking - Step away from the cookies and get a grip.
I just never expected to get that look From someone like you.
Um, i don't know what you're talking about.
Sure, you do.
Come on, jane.
Look at us.
You know why they assigned me to you.
Excuse me.
I'll be right back.
Parker! Did you assign me the lucy tyner case because i'm f- Because i'm f- She's been under a lot of stress, poor thing.
You know, i hear some people are never the same After a traumatic incident.
But we're here for you, jane.
Why did you gave me this case? The service workers union is shopping around For new representation.
We win, we get all future litigation And a million-Dollar retainer.
But if you're not up to it, i'm happy to step in.
- I'm fine.
- Look, jane,we've all noticed You've been acting a littlestrange, So if you need help, get it.
If you don't remember, i wanted this case, But you begged him for it.
I guess it does make sense.
What, did you just body-Check me? Did i what? Excuse me.
I have a client waiting.
Sorry about before.
You have every right to be upset.
And you know what? I'm upset, too That you were fired.
But you're wrong about one thing.
I did not get assigned this case.
I asked for it.
I am your lawyer, And we are going to kick their ass! Are you sure ms.
Tyner is ready for court? We've reviewed her deposition.
She's prepped but not overly rehearsed.
She'll do fine.
Over a dozen law firms wanted this case.
It's our one shot to impress the union Are you listening to me? Um, what's going on in there? Divorce case - Nothing to do with you.
Your case is how you make partner And i get rich Er.
No mistakes.
I would like the artwork in the living room.
- Depending on the appraisal - - It's fine.
The piano.
- That could be worth - - Take it.
And the wedding china.
Do you love him, mindy? Let's try and stay on point, chad.
We've been married for 10 years, And then you cheated on me.
Take it.
I never liked the pattern.
Is there anything you do want? Yeah.
Just one thing.
Three years ago, i gave mindy one of my kidneys.
Now i want it back.
Can i help you? You're teri, right? Have we met? Your boss described you.
What, that i'm asian? Oh, no.
I am so not a racial profiler.
It's your heavy concealer and crooked cutlets.
I need to see jane.
She doesn't want to be disturbed.
Oh, i don't want to disturb her.
I want to talk to her.
Surpri-I-Ise! What are you doing here? No.
I brought you lunch.
Chicken breast celery And a snack for later.
That's it? Smaller snacks mean slimmer slacks.
It's called a thin-Centive.
Now, between all your important meetings, You need to exercise.
Come on.
Let's start with squats.
I'm really busy, stace.
And the sooner we start, the sooner we finish.
Come on.
Now, knees forward, arms out Butt in the air.
First we go down.
And now we go up.
I said "up," sweetie.
I heard you.
Jane, you're due in court in 15 minutes.
What are you doing? It's called a squat.
Yeah,i can see it's a squat.
I also know this is not a gym.
Can someone help me up, please? I've worked at the sun bar for six years.
Never been late.
Not once.
- Any customer complaints? - No.
Did you receive written evaluations from your supervisor? Yeah, once a year.
Always positive.
Tyner, do you know the difference Between scotch and whiskey? Your honor, objection.
Relevance? My uncle moe was a drinker.
And he always said that a good cocktail waitress Knows the difference.
Well, then Okay.
Witness may answer.
Scotch is whisky, without an "e" before the "y", Distilled in scotland.
Whiskey with an "e" Is traditionally distilled in ireland.
Thank you.
Oh, ms.
Tyner, if the sun bar doesn't want you, Why not find another place to work? I don't have a degree.
Uh, the union gets me benefits, And being a single mother, i need flexible hours.
I-I can't lose this job.
Thank you.
Tyner who is this? It's me.
How many years ago? I wore that dress to a sun bar christmas party A year and half ago? How many pounds ago? Objection! - On what grounds? - His tone, your honor.
He's rude.
That's okay.
I've gained about 50 pounds since then.
Do you think you look any different? Of course.
Are you aware that your collective bargaining agreement States that any change in physical appearance Can constitute grounds for termination? Yes, but there - Did you understand that gaining 50 pounds Would constitute a change of appearance? Yes.
No more questions.
Court's adjourned for the day.
You got stacy Hi.
It's me.
Hi! Guess what.
I bought us a low-Carb cookbook.
Tonight we can make a bundt cake out of applesauce and air.
That sounds fun, but - And i want you to sign up at my gym.
We can pi-Latte together in the mornings Before you have to go to work.
Stacy, can you meet me at the sun bar tonight, Say 9:00? Of course.
Yay! Okay.
I'll see you there.
Mindy went into kidney failure.
She almost died.
Against the odds, i was a match.
You gave it to her, chad.
It was a gift.
No strings attached.
After the transplant, everything changed.
She opened an art gallery.
Last spring, she went on safari.
She got a second chance.
She's living life to the fullest.
She got my kidney, and i got dumped.
We could petition to try to get the kidney back, But i think we'll be laughed out of court.
Then figure out another way.
I'm telling you something Tell me, baby If maybe we could Here y go.
Oh, excuse me! Your hair extensions are gorgeous.
You could hardly see the weave.
I just had them done last week.
You want the name of my stylist? Actually, what's your name? Sierra! - Um, but i don't go that way.
- Oh, no! - I mean,i tried the one time, but - - No.
- That's not what i meant.
- Oh.
- Can i just borrow a pen? - Sure.
I am so excited! We finally get some quality time together.
Sweetie Why are you still wearing your lawyer uniform? I'm actually here for work.
Butit's a bar! I know.
Oh, thank you.
On the house.
- Excuse me.
- Yeah.
You totally have brad pitt's noseu Is it re? Deb! - I mean, jane - - It's okay.
I had a nose job about six months ago.
I get a lot of compliments.
Get you anything else? Um, i'd like a mojito.
Vodka instead of rum.
Splenda instead of simple syrup.
I just saved you on the elliptical.
You're welcome.
Oh, my god, there's marc and beth! Okay, don't say anything, But i caught beth totally making out with lance redondo When marc was at his grandmother's wake.
Let's go say hi.
Ooh, sweetie, uh, they know deb Not jane.
I'll be right back.
Okay? It's on the house.
- You are the best.
- Thank you! - Oh, stacy - Hmm? No one's talked to that girl all night.
Poor thing.
You know what? I'm gonna give her my free spritzer.
You are a saint.
And free fashion advice.
I mean, who wears a trapeze top with wide-Leg pants? - I'm gonna be right back.
- Okay.
Aah! Oh, my god! I am so sorry! I'm grayson.
Your diet mojito? Be 8 bucks.
I've always wanted to work for a nonprofit.
But with my student loans, I need to sell my soul for a few years.
Then i can save the whales.
I find the law so fascinating.
- No, you don't.
- No, i don't.
But i wish i did.
The thing about the law is that it never stands still.
Is that a good thing? Yeah.
It's a reflection of society.
Like a mirror.
Like a smart mirror.
Have dinner with me.
Um, it's midnight.
One of my professors used to say, "The law is the wisdom of the ages Wrapped in the opinion of the moment.
" You know what i mean? I think i do.
Okay, it's like everyone used to say - Toxins were bad for you.
- Mm-Hmm.
But then a wise doctor discovered botox, And opinion totally changed.
Have dinner with me.
Tomorrow night.
And the next night.
And maybe a lunch.
And breakfast.
I would like you to meet my friends marc and beth.
Uh, how do you two know each other? Actually, we have a friend in common.
Lance redondo? He's really cute.
Shame about the herpes.
Honey, can we dance? Oh.
Well, have a lovely night! Oh, my god! You didn't just lose your body.
No, no, you lost your mind.
That was fun.
Whew! You scared the hell out of me.
You scared the hell out of me.
What are you doing here? It's my house.
I thought you moved in with stacy.
I came to get a few things.
What things? None of your business? You are my business, jane.
I want her bras, okay? I bought a new one, and it's - It's pinchy.
Why are you here, fred? I, uh, needed a place to sleep, And your law firm Doesn't exactly pay its messengers top dollar.
Well, how did you get in? Did you use your powers? For the third time, i don't have any powers.
As long as i'm on earth, i'm as human as you are.
But i'mclever.
There's a key under the mat.
So is it cool if i stay? Why should i care? I mean, these photos, they're - They're not really of me Fred.
I would never collect plates and snow globes.
And floral prints make me dizzy.
This isn't my life.
I'm getting what i need and i'm not coming back Sir, as the owner of the sun bar, Do you know a sierra wilcox? Of course.
Sierra's been a waitress at the sun bar For over three years.
And are you aware that she recently added hair extensions? Yes, and they look lovely.
And what about your bartender, kyle nevins? Well, he did not get hair extensions.
No, he got a nose job, didn't he? Yeah.
So? Would you say those employees fundamentally changed Their appearance while working for you? - Yes, but - - And did you terminate either of them? No.
But you terminated my client because her appearance changed.
It's not the same.
Yes or no? Yes.
What's the difference between cosmetic surgery And gaining weight? Cosmetic surgery is meant to improve the appearance.
Putting on the pounds detracts from it.
Can you explain why you terminated an employee Who gained 50 pounds? I'm not ashamed to say that my objective Is to turn a profit.
And sex sells.
And lucy hurts your bottom line? Absolutely.
Can you quantify that? My clientele buy more drinks from thin, beautiful women.
Sierra brings in 20% more per night than lucy.
Thank you.
My client is keeping the kidney.
No judge would order mindy to return a transplanted organ.
Which is why we're now asking for $100,000 In exchange for keeping the kidney.
Excuse me? Mr.
Billmyer gave his wife something of value.
During a divorce proceeding, A judge assesses a value to each party's property.
We assess the value of our client's kidney at $100,000.
This is crazy! Well, you're about to get half of everything i own.
So you can give some of it back.
The uniform anatomical gift act Prohibits the exchange of a human organ for profit.
The statute prohibits the sale of organs, Not their monetization for a fair value Within the context of a divorce proceeding.
This is not gonna fly.
We'll see about that.
Don't those belong in a cup? Dark circles.
I heard you got buried in court.
That's a little bit strong, but - Jane, you accused me of assigning you this case Because you're overweight.
Truth is, i was reluctant to pututou on it.
Why? I was hoping it wouldn't come to this, But here we are.
I want you to argue that being overweight Can be a disability.
What are you talking about? If you can convince the jury it's a medical condition That impairs lucy's performance, Then the sun bar can't terminate her under - The americans with disabilities act.
Huh! Yeah, i know the law.
But the a.
Wasn't meant to apply to people like lucy.
It does now.
I'm flying in a federal labor expert from d.
You'll put him on the stand tomorrow.
I-I'm not sure how i feel about telling a jury That being larger than average is a disability.
Lucky for your client, it doesn't matter how you feel.
Just win the case.
Yay! You're home early! Let's go for a run! I'm not in the mood.
How about makeup? I bought a palette of neutrals That'll look great with jane's coloring.
Let's play.
I've been playing lawyer all day.
I don't really want to play barbie.
You know something jane, It's like you don't even want my help.
Stacy I don't like celery.
I like sandwiches.
And i don't want to run when i come home from work Because i am tired and my brain hurts.
And i never want to do a squat again.
I give up.
You want to stay like that, fine by me.
Do you have any idea what that feels like to me? You said you wanted deb back.
I get it - - She was gorgeous and fun and - - Stop it! I want deb! I miss her! I am still deb! All i see is jane.
Where are you going? I'm moving out! As your guardian angel, i'm supposed to lend an ear, If you need it.
- I'm fine.
- Good.
Because fly fishing is oddly exhilarating.
He's false casting.
Probably paying out the line, drying a soaked fly Or repositioning his cast.
Oh, crap.
Jane knows about fishing?! Popcorn? You know, fred, this whole deal, Where i keep deb's memories but get jane's smarts, It's messed up.
I mean, i'm practically a genius, And i don't even know the name of my dog.
What? Dog's name is bones.
It's written on the back of the picture - "Bones, 1979.
" So i'm guessing bones is no longer with us.
Not unless he died, Pawed the return button on the computer, And you put his soul inside of a cat.
Fred? I don't want to be her.
I want my old life back.
If you were still deb, what would you say to jane? Step away from the cookies and get a grip.
And what would jane say to deb? I'm sorry, deb.
Sorry for what? I'm sorry you needed people like me You're on time today! Scared of you if i wasn't.
No doughnut? I thought you were over doughnuts.
It's okay.
I am like a boy scout.
- Do you have a minute? - Mm! Of course.
I need to speak with you about something.
You're familiar with this kidney case, right? Yeah.
You're trying to monetize a vital organ.
I think kim's a terrific lawyer, but she's blowing smoke.
You don't think her argument will survive judicial scrutiny.
You know, in law school, they say Law is the wisdom of the ages Wrapped in the opinion of the moment.
That's why i love the law.
But how is that relevant here? I have this girlfriend, brandi -Really cute sorority type.
Anyway, she worked her ass off as a manicurist To put her hubby through med school, then he dumped her.
So she sued for half his future income and won.
I still don't see the connection.
When a spouse sacrifices to help their partner, The court places a value on that sacrifice.
Giving up a kidney is quite a sacrifice.
Adapt the wisdom of the law To fit the opinion of the moment.
But, grayson Maybe it's not about the money.
See, brandi still loved her husband.
But she didn't sue because she wanted half of his income.
She justwasn't ready to say goodbye.
You're saying this case isn't about chad's kidney.
It's about his heart.
I have to go to court.
Before you go You got something W-What? Popcorn? Yeah! Um I was just saving that for later.
I am not ready to go.
Sandler, you're a leading expert In the americans with disabilities act.
Yes, i helped formulate the federal law enacted in 1990.
I have subseently consulted With both congress and the eeoc on its application.
My client, a waitress, was fired because she gained 50 pounds.
Does the law apply to her? Absolutely.
Under the subsection "perceived disabilities.
" Although your client was still able to wait on customers, Her employer perceived her to be disabled, - Due to her weight.
- Stop! Please, i want this to stop.
- Lucy.
- I need to speak with you.
Your honor, i need a moment.
You certainly do.
Lucy! Lucy! The other waitresses, the owner of the sun bar, Even my friends - They all judge me for letting myself go.
But last year, my husband left me.
With two kids, i don't have time to go to the gym, And i eat when i'm stressed.
- Lucy,i understand, but - - I am not disabled.
And i don't want you saying that i am.
No, it's just a legal strategy, and it's worked before.
I don't care about the other cases! Why didn't you discuss this expert with me? I realize dr.
Sandler's comments can be hurtful - But you didn't tell me because you knew i'd get mad.
No, i want to win this case for you.
I don't know you that well But i think you're better than that.
Oh, if it isn't miss busybody.
- Not now, kim.
- Jane If you have any further insight into my case And feel the need to share with grayson, don't.
I was just trying to help.
Oh, so you were trying to be sweet - Like a pop-Tart or a cupcake.
What do you want me to say? "I'm sorry for offering you a better legal argument For your case"? - Well, i'm not.
- Jane! You.
Walk with me.
You owe the firm $6,000.
That's how much it cost to fly in an expert witness.
He wasn't my idea.
You should have anticipated your client's reaction.
Why? Because you know how she thinks.
Oh, because you think we're both big? That's right.
- I'm gonna deliver the closing for you.
- No! You don't say no to a managing partner.
When a lawyer is swapped out mid-Trial, It throws the jury.
And a new lawyer could alienate our client, Who's already upset with our strategy.
I'm willing to take that risk.
- I took a bullet for you! - Come on.
I haven't gotten upset or angry or missed a day of work.
But you owe me, And i will deliver this closing.
Hello, designers.
- Hi.
- Welcome to the runway.
There are 16 of you here, and after tonight, There will be 15.
All right, let's meet the judges.
I just came to get a few things.
As you know, in fashion, one day you're in, And the next day you're out.
Heidi grew out her bangs! I know.
She looks amazing.
We're in a fight.
I still know what the cookies mean.
One cookie - You blew out your credit card On a pair of jeans without checking out the rear view.
Two - The guy you hooked up with hasn't called.
Three - You just found cellulite in a thigh crease.
Four? I have never seen four.
It means i feel awful.
I am so sorry.
You were just trying to help.
I just have to take this all in my own time.
Everyone out there is judging me.
I'm judging me.
And i just need to know that my best friend doesn't.
I'm not judging, but I'm scared i'm losing you, all right? What are you talking about? You're smart now.
You have an office and an assistant.
You have a business card, Your photo is on your credit card, And i bet you even have a library card.
You're, like, important, And important people don't have time for me.
That's crazy, stacy.
People take one look at this body, And they think they're better than i am.
You get a free pass.
A free pass to what? Everyone thinks i'm a dumb blonde.
And you know what? They're right.
Come on.
You are so not blonde.
- Come here.
- Mm.
Don't move out, please.
You sure you still want me - All of me? Of course i do.
Okay, let's celebrate.
We'll go out clubbing, And i promise not to change your drink order.
I don't think so.
Come on.
It'll be like old times.
Stacy, it can't be like old times.
I-I don't feel comfortable at clubs.
It's one thing not to fit in, but i actually stand out.
I guess i understand, but it doesn't seem fair.
Oh! You're right! It doesn't seem fair.
It's not even close to fair! Why are you acting all wacky? I think you just gave me my closing argument.
- I did? - Yeah.
Recently, i went to the sun bar, And i saw the place through a fresh set of eyes.
No female employee was larger than a size 4, And you know what? Ifelt uncomfortable.
No wonder the owner is worried about profits.
He's promoting this narrow-Minded view of sexy.
If the sun bar really wants to make money, Then maybe they should make all of us feel welcome.
At this point, i would like to ask my friends in the gallery To please stand up.
What's going on? Just making my closing, counselor.
All of these women are size 14, The average for a woman in america today.
However, based on the sun bar's definition of sexy, None of these women would be hired.
That is wrong.
You know that federal laws protect us Based on race, religion, Sex, age, veteran status, disability, and national origin.
But what about size? Well, san francisco, washington, d.
, and santa cruz Have all passed laws outlawing discrimination Based on weight.
And now you have an opportunity to extend that protection to lucy.
And now you have an opportunity to extend that protection to lucy.
Thank you.
I-I'm not - I'm not done yet.
Have you noticed that people have euphemisms For being overweight? Large and plus-Sized, Full-Figured and rubenesque.
And no one, not even me especially not me Wants to say the word "fat.
" But "fat" is only pejorative When we allow places like the sun bar To tell us that being fat somehow makes us less of a person.
Tell the sun bar that being fat is not cause for being fired.
Thank you.
We believe our client's kidney donation can be equated With the sacrifice that one spouse makes for another.
Like a wife who supports her husband through medical school.
That being said - Okay.
That's it! I've had enough! - Let me handle this.
- You can have it back.
What? What - What are you talking about? When i needed a transplant, My sister was too young to consent, But she is a match, and she's agreed.
- No, no, that's too risky.
- I don't care.
Mindy - I want to get on with my life.
Maybe chad's not ready to move on with his.
He doesn't want his kidney back.
He never did.
He gave it to you because he loved you, And asking for money - That was our idea.
What he said - Is that true, chad? I was so happy.
I thought you were, too.
I would have done anything for you.
You are a wonderful husband And a good man, And my friends think i'm crazy to leave you, but You gave me a second chance on life, And i love you for it.
But it's not enough of a reason for us to stay together.
You remember me as i was.
I need to move on.
You can keep the kidney.
What? - Are you sure? - Yeah.
At least a part of me will always be with you.
- Jane.
- Hi.
The verdict came back quick.
Is that good or bad? It could go either way.
Whatever happens, thanks for representing me.
Not just the case but me, the fat girl.
Bingum? We'd like to settle.
I don't think so.
Jane, they're offering lucy her job, With back pay.
It's a good start, but no.
See, those large ladies from my closing Just applied to be waitresses at the sun bar.
You told them to apply, didn't you? Guilty.
Oh, and if i win this case And the jury defines weight as a protected class, I will file another suit - A class action.
And those women will be my reps, And the plaintiff pool will extend to every fat girl You've ever turned away from a job - And i'm guessing there's more than a few.
What do you want? no loss in seniority, And a commitment against discrimination based on body type.
- Hey.
- Hey.
How'd you find me out here? Did you use your powers? - I told you - - I'm kidding.
You weren't in your office, And i, uh, know you like fresh air.
Relaxable side panels Less pinchy.
You came out here to give me a bra? Well, that and to say congrats.
I just heard the service workers union Signed a long-Term deal with the firm.
Parker is beyond thrilled.
What about you? Fred I told those women that i could relate to them, But i don't feel like a fat girl.
I feel thin and pretty, Even though no one sees me like that.
And i'm mad at myself for letting it bother me.
I don't think you're mad at yourself.
I think you're mad at deb.
She would've given jane the body check And walked right by.
You got to forgive her, jane.
Forgive and forget.
But i don't want to forget her.
I mean, i may not always like deb, But - But she's - She's right here.
And she's not all bad.
Well, i know that jane likes to eat And deb liked to drink.
So i think you're both about to be really happy.
What are you talking about? The partners are inside with champagne and cake.
Enjoy the moment.
After all, you only livetwice.
Life is my creation It's my best friend Imagination is my defense And i'll keep walking When skies are gray Whatever happens was meant that way
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