Drop Dead Diva s03e12 Episode Script
Bride-a-Palooza
See that aspiring model there? That was me, Deb until the day I died.
I thought I'd go straight to Heaven, but there was a bit of a mix-up and I woke up in someone else's body.
So now I'm Jane, a super-busy lawyer with my very own assistant.
I got a new life, a new wardrobe, and the only people who really know what's going on with me are my girlfriend Stacy and my guardian angel, Fred.
I used to think everything happened for a reason Whoo! and, well, I sure hope I was right.
Drop Dead Diva 3x12 - Bride-a-Palooza Original air date September 18, 2011 Good morning, sweetie.
Did you finish reviewing my contract for my sitcom? I just got it last night.
So, did you finish? I had a date with Owen.
He was so sweet.
He brought me to this new place on Sunset I'm sorry.
Can we do the girl talk later? - You need to see this.
- Sure.
Sweetie! - That is fantastic! - It's my bad side.
I told them twice not to shoot me from the left.
No.
Wait.
I thought your left side was your good side.
Tush, yes, face no.
Can you believe Brian has photo approval and I don't? Well, he is the star.
For now.
Stacy.
You're dating him.
Right.
So we should be equal.
I bet his lawyer reviewed his contract last night.
Wow.
Are you kidding me? I'm sorry.
It's been a long week.
First, I get the new job, and then Fred leaves Well, you left him.
Remember? You broke his heart.
Yeah.
I feel bad.
Anyway, on my TV show, I've been feeling all this pressure to be funny and sexy.
But that is no excuse to snap at my best friend.
Okay.
All right.
I will review your contract before lunch.
I promise.
Great.
I will have my assistant call you at 1:00.
You have an assistant? Yes! And you would know that if you read my contract.
Oh.
Oh.
Excuse me.
The 12th floor.
Are you going to Harrison & Parker? - That's right.
- Is it someone's birthday? Are you like one of those singing telegrams? - I have always wanted to do that.
- Uh, no.
I'm meeting a lawyer.
Oh.
- Sorry.
- It's okay.
Hey, boss.
- Oh, my God.
- Oh.
Princess Guinevere.
- Oh.
- I've seen you at Medieval Mania.
I love the jousts and the feasts and the unlimited grog You're the one who screams "take it off!" whenever the prince wears a codpiece.
That's me.
I'm here to see Grayson Kent.
Oh.
I'll take you.
Uh, coffee, milady? When my father died last year, he left Medieval Mania to me and my brother, Lance.
Wait.
His two kids' names are Guinevere and Lance? Yeah.
And Merlin was our goldfish.
Our dad was really into the medieval thing.
Looks like you're pretty into it, too.
I love my job, but I'm in my garb 'cause I have a matinee in an hour.
If I understood you correctly, Lance - wants to sell the business, but you don't.
- Yes.
He says the building's sitting on top of valuable property.
And yesterday, I was served with this.
An action for partition.
Lance is suing to force you to sell to a third party.
This would have broken dad's heart.
Will you help me? A damsel in distress? How could I say no? I brought you coffee.
I got my own.
But maybe the princess would like a refill.
You've got a big client coming in today.
Madonna, Lady Gaga, Sean Penn, or Courtney Love? - Kelly Witsett.
- Is that Snooki's real name? No.
It's the bargain basement bridezilla.
Oh.
Her? She wants to sue Conrad's Bridal.
A bratty bride goes to a blowout sale, she gets into a fight over a discount gown, - and now she wants to sue? - That's right.
No way.
This has "frivolous lawsuit" written all over it, and I don't do frivolous.
It's not frivolous.
I'm sorry.
And you are? Jacob Campbell.
I'm Kelly's fiancé.
Oh.
Where's Kelly? She's in the hospital.
Ms.
Bingum, my fiancée was injured pretty badly at that bridal store.
Please come see for yourself? I suffered head trauma, a ruptured spleen, and a punctured kidney.
I am so sorry.
I had no idea.
This photo made national news.
It appears as though Kelly's fighting for a dress.
Yeah.
I've seen this.
You saw a whacked-out bridezilla.
Now look at it this way.
My fiancée isn't fighting.
She's lying on the floor, screaming in pain.
Conrad's deliberately released the photo at the wrong angle.
The sale was supposed to be fun.
The store had a big ad in the paper inviting brides to a deal of a lifetime.
"Bride-a-palooza super sale.
" "All brides get a free mini veil.
" "Find your dream dress at a dream price.
" They simply weren't prepared for the number of women who showed up.
I tried to get out, but I fell down, and people just kept coming.
This is a clear case of reckless endangerment, which is what I stated in my complaint.
Are you a lawyer? A third-year law student.
But I had to take a leave of absence to take care of Kelly.
And you need my help so Conrad's takes this seriously.
Oh, no.
Here we go again.
- I'll turn it off.
- No.
No.
I want Jane to hear it.
I'm here with Steven Conrad, president of Conrad's Bridal.
Is it true that Kelly Witsett, A.
K.
A.
the bargain basement bridezilla, is now suing your store? Yes, ma'am.
That woman was out of control the day of the sale, and she's out of control once again.
You liar.
Shh.
It's okay, baby.
And now she's trying to get a payday for a fight she started.
Jacob, Kelly, just wait till they see the fight I'm about to start.
I'm confused.
Your card says "LMN Public Relations.
" Are you a P.
R.
exec? Yes.
I planned the bride-a-palooza super sale.
- But you're not a lawyer.
- No.
Okay.
Well, this is a settlement conference, Ms.
Davis.
So we'll just wait for the lawyers to show up.
They're not sending any lawyers.
Mr.
Campbell's right.
This doesn't have to get litigious.
Ms.
Davis, this is not a P.
R.
issue.
Mr.
Campbell's fiancée was seriously injured.
Now, my client found this footage online, taken by another customer.
So let's just take a look.
There's Kelly she's shopping for a dress, then she's brutally thrown to the ground, where she is kicked and stomped and crushed.
Help me, please! Somebody! Please help me! We want to make things right.
And I am authorized to make a settlement offer.
$5,000? And a gift certificate for a free wedding dress.
All I need is for you to sign right here.
A gag order? A privacy agreement.
This barely covers a day at the hospital.
And it's a very generous offer.
This was an unfortunate accident, but Conrad's did nothing wrong.
You may be able to spin this for the news, but the jury will see the truth when they see this video.
So we'll see Conrad's lawyers in court.
Do me.
Love to.
How's the princess? Fantastic.
Thank you.
Oh, you meant the client.
Good.
We got an expedited hearing.
Great.
And why is this princess so fantastic? Because I got us reservations at Oxtail Tavern's Festival of Venison.
Good morning.
Oh.
What's your ex-girlfriend doing here? I thought her case was over.
She lost her job, so she's working here as a temp.
Which means it's just temporary.
Huh.
From girlfriend to client to employee.
Listen, if it's a problem No, no.
It's not a problem.
In fact, I'm swamped, and I could use the help.
All rise.
Oh.
Uh-oh.
Why? What's wrong? Nothing.
It's just that judge I'm kind of dating him.
Ms.
Bingum.
Yes.
Uh, the attorney on record is Jacob Campbell.
Last-minute change.
I am now lead counsel.
Is there an issue, Your Honor? I believe there is.
I am sua sponte recusing myself.
I don't want to risk the appearance of impropriety, given the nature of my relationship with Ms.
Bingum.
For clarity, perhaps His Honor would care to elaborate on this relationship.
- We've been on a few dates.
- Seven.
Would you say, on the record, that things are going well? If they weren't, I wouldn't be recusing myself, Ms.
Bingum.
That is all.
Go on with your bad self.
Hi.
Hi.
These files are from 2007.
I need you to digitize them.
And when you're done, the paper files need to be shredded.
Okay.
I'm on it.
And then you can start on 2008.
I need this by Wednesday.
- This Wednesday? - Is that a problem? Well, it's just that I can't stay late tonight for personal reasons.
This job requires long hours.
If you can't hack it, I suggest you reconsider the position.
I can hack it.
Good.
Red leather, yellow leather, red leather, yellow leather.
Red leather, yellow leather E excuse me.
What?! I am trying to warm up my vocal cords.
I'm so sorry for the interruption.
Um, here's your nonfat, soy foam latte.
Uh I put your lipstick on ice in your trailer, organized by gloss.
Oh.
And your agent called.
You got the Cheezy chips commercial.
Oh, my God.
I'm gonna be the Cheezy girl.
Brian! Brian! Hey, babe.
Guess who's the new spokesperson for Cheezy chips.
Me! Well, my character, officer fellows.
Wow.
Stacy, that's Incredible.
I know.
It's a national commercial, and they're going to shoot it right here.
Okay.
- What? - I don't know.
I just don't want you to devalue your work or besmirch officer Fellows.
Besmirch? It means It means Summer, call my agent and tell her I will not be the Cheezy girl.
And then get me a low-carb cranberry muffin, but remove all the cranberries.
I like the flavor, but the berries Stick in your teeth.
You complete me.
Nice suit.
The princess dress was in the wash.
Where the hell is the judge? She's late.
I'm right here, counselor.
I thought Judge Singer was presiding.
For personal reasons, we swapped.
I apologize for my tardiness, but I've been getting up to speed on this rather unusual case.
- Can we get started? - Oh, yes, Your Honor.
We're asking the court to dismiss the action for partition and instead compel the plaintiff to accept a timed, structured buyout.
It's a win-win.
Gwen keeps Medieval Mania, and Lance gets the sale price paid out over the next 5 to 10 years, as his sister can afford it.
No way.
I want the money now.
Your Honor, this is a simple family dispute.
Actually, it's not.
I'm assuming you've seen the operating agreement drawn up by their father.
- Yes, but - There is no "but," Ms.
Kaswell.
Their father was very passionate about the medieval era.
Under subsection 3 of the bylaws "the parties must settle" "using the laws of Richard The Lionheart.
" Your Honor, that was clearly a joke.
It's unusual, but it's binding.
He's right.
Choice-of-law clauses are recognized by our legal system.
You know that, counselor.
Henceforth, per the agreement, we will be following 12th Century law.
We'll recess while I find an expert in the matter.
That's absurd.
You say absurd.
I say 'tis most exciting! You've heard Kelly Witsett called "bridezilla", "out of control," "crazy.
" But I am certain that you will feel differently after seeing what really happened.
Objection! I move to exclude the video, as it is more prejudicial than probative.
Oh, sure if you define "prejudicial" as any evidence that doesn't support your case.
- It only serves to inflame the jury.
- No.
Not to mention we have a chain-of-custody issue.
Whoa.
Wait.
What? Plaintiff's fiancé found the video online, and opposing counsel has failed to produce the videographer.
Anonymously sourced evidence is not permissible.
I'm ruling to exclude.
Wait.
Your honor, please.
You can't! - Jacob, stop.
- No.
- Sir! - Judge, the jury needs to see what happened.
Sit down or I'll hold you in contempt.
You have my ruling.
Hi.
That was a disaster.
I'm sure it wasn't as bad as he's been saying.
No, it didn't go well.
But to paraphrase Calvin Klein "If the spring line gets panned, there's always fall.
" Okay.
So you're either going shopping or you have another strategy.
A good lawyer always has a plan "B".
So, Jacob, you and I have to get back to court.
And as I'm sure you've learned in law school, it's not good to keep a judge waiting.
Love you.
Dr.
Andrews, these photos were taken when you admitted Kelly Witsett to the E.
R.
, correct? Yes.
And her injuries are consistent with being trampled.
She had a punctured spleen, most likely caused by a high heel Wait.
So a high heel could puncture a spleen? Ms.
Witsett was in a prone position, and if a heel struck her flank at just the right angle I'm sorry.
Hold on.
To make it easier for the jury to visualize, I would like my lovely assistant to come on down.
Okay.
Would a high heel puncturing a spleen look something like this? Objection! This is ridiculous.
I'm just demonstrating what happened without violating chain of custody.
You're also scuffing an expensive pair of pumps.
- True.
- I'm allowing it.
Was that the extent of my client's injuries? Uh, no.
She also suffered a ruptured left kidney, also from a heel.
Something like this? Yes.
And trauma to the head caused by a sharp blow.
Objection! Your Honor, she's trying to prejudice the jury.
By "prejudice," do you mean that the jury will never look at Manolos the same way? 'Cause that's true.
I think we get your point, Ms.
Bingum.
In fact, I may never shop again.
I'm calling a short recess.
- Keep it.
Have a good one.
- Thanks.
Hey, there, judge.
Hey! How was court? I think I made an impression on the jury.
So not bad, even though I have a long way to go.
Well, I am so glad we're dating.
If I hadn't recused myself from your trial, I wouldn't be sitting on the most fascinating case.
I guess I come with perks.
Indeed.
I'm adjudicating a case using medieval law.
- Oh, really? - Oh, it's awesome.
Awesome! Well, except for the the defense attorney.
Whine, whine, whine, whine, whine.
I wish I could tell the princess to drop her jackass lawyer.
Oh.
The the defendant's a a princess? No, no, no, no, no.
- She she plays one at Medieval Mania.
- Oh.
You ever heard of it? It's fun.
We should go sometime.
Yeah.
I'd love to.
Um, tell me more about this jackass lawyer.
Just want to get a mental picture.
Uh, square jaw.
Puffy hair.
No sense of humor.
I mean, come on, dude.
Well, I'm sure he's just trying to be earnest.
Well, I guess.
Yeah.
I just hope this trial goes on long enough so I don't get stuck with Eagan vs.
Schwartz.
Oh, my God.
Patent case.
Total yawn.
- Oh.
- Anyway, you wouldn't happen to have a spare crespinette laying around, would you? A crespinette would be oh! A hat worn by medieval nobility.
You know, I'm fresh out.
- Really? - Yeah.
Ah.
Well, eBay, here I come.
Jane, 'tis glorious to look upon you.
You know, those snacks are only for the cast.
And I see you've been eating more than your fair share.
Did you bring my contract? Right here.
Sign it, quick, before the producers realize they've made a horrible mistake.
Kind of like the mistake you made by dumping Fred, who's way too good for you.
That is none of your business.
And all deliveries go to my assistant.
But she's very busy right now.
What happened? She got angry at me and tossed her smoothie into her purse which she thought was mine.
Our bags look alike, but yours is a knockoff.
Okay.
So how about I just give the contract directly to you? How about you just wait for my assistant to be available? Uh, I'm almost finished.
I just have to blow-dry her bills.
When you're done, that bag better not smell like spirulina.
I know.
Mommy is so sorry that I have to work late tonight.
Okay.
I love you, too.
Hey, Elisa.
- Hey.
- Oh, swamped, huh? Yeah.
It's got to get done.
Yeah.
That's debatable.
Just scanning old files? Yes.
You know, there's nothing so pressing that you can't get home to your son.
Yeah, but Kim gave me a deadline.
I see.
Look, Elisa, I know that you're reluctant to tell Parker about Eric, but you deserve Jane, listen.
I appreciate everything, but please understand that that's not gonna happen.
Parker has a right to know that he's the father.
I'm sorry.
That sounded so preachy.
I I just I think he can handle it.
But I can't.
Not now.
I mean, he is my boss, and that's it.
There you are.
Excuse me.
I need her.
Wow.
What's wrong? I just delivered the contract to Stacy, and I think you need to fire her as your client - and your friend.
- Yeah.
She's a little out of control, isn't she? And the Grand Canyon's just a little hole in the ground.
Ever since this acting job, she has totally changed.
Do you know that she'll only go to A-list events? And she won't unpack her own shopping bags, and she deleted "Gossip Girl" from our DVR because "Blake Lively is competition.
" I know a guy who will pick her up at midnight and drop her off south of the border.
Hmm.
Ooh.
No.
I've got a better idea.
Expect an evite.
- You're throwing her a party? - Not exactly.
Just RSVP "Yes.
" Hey! Hey, did we have a meeting? Please tell me you know something about medieval law.
You know, I may be older than you, but I am not that old.
I'm in front of this insane judge who intends on trying my case under the laws of Richard The Lionheart.
Oh, wow.
Yeah.
- Crazy, right? - Yeah.
Should have the bar review this guy.
No.
No.
Now, that's not a good idea.
Plus, you know, if the contract in question mandates medieval law, then medieval law rules the day.
It's just how the system works.
You're right.
But the judge is way too into it.
I swear he's gonna walk into that courtroom in a funny hat.
See? He sounds whimsical.
Just Grayson, enjoy the ride.
These judges get stuck on such boring cases, like that patent case that's floating around.
So he's probably just trying to draw this one out to avoid that one, which I hear is a total yawn.
- Uh, hypothetically, I mean.
- You know what? I bet you're right.
- No! - That makes sense.
He's stalling.
- No.
I was just speculating.
- I'm gonna go talk to him.
- Uh, please.
Stop.
- No.
I'm gonna put an end to this.
This is great.
I'm gonna I'm gonna take care of this.
Thank you so much.
No.
No.
Please do not thank me.
Seriously, don't thank me and don't mention my name.
Mr.
McKenzie, as an expert on retail security, how would you rate Conrad's security plan on the day in question? Totally inadequate.
They hired four security guards far too few to handle a crowd of 500.
How many would it have taken to avoid the injuries sustained by my client? An algorithm determines how many guards are necessary to prevent a mob mentality.
You take square footage, number of exits, and foot traffic.
They needed 12 guards, not four.
Thank you.
Mr.
McKenzie, this algorithm is described in this book your book "Shoes, Shirts, and Security: Retail Crowd Control.
" That's right.
This algorithm says that with 500 people, - they should've hired 12 guards.
- Correct.
But what if there were only 200 shoppers? For 200 shoppers, the four security guards would've have been sufficient.
Do you know how many shoppers attended Conrad's sale last year? - No.
- 208.
And the year before that 202.
And according to their own P.
R.
firm, they were to expect approximately the same number this year.
So how was Conrad's to know that they were gonna get more than twice the average traffic? I don't know.
An honest answer.
With that, Your Honor, we move that you dismiss the case.
Excuse me? There is absolutely no evidence of negligence.
The plaintiff has failed to make a prima facie case.
Um, Your Honor, you can't Ah, I think I can, Ms.
Bingum.
Your client has my sympathy, but the law is not on your side.
Case dismissed without prejudice.
It's open! Judge.
What can I do for you, counselor? I think we both know why I'm here.
Let's pretend one of us doesn't.
I think you need to be noble, like a knight of yore, and recuse yourself from my case.
Is that what you think, sir barrister? Or should I say sir ex parte barrister, who ought to know better than to approach a sitting judge without opposing counsel? I get the feeling you're not as interested in 12th century law as you are in dodging a certain patent case.
Where'd you hear that? Just do the right thing and hand this case to another judge.
I'm gonna pretend that you didn't just threaten me.
I wouldn't call it a If my adjudication doesn't sit well with you, make an interim appeal.
A little advice tread lightly, counselor.
Hey, Jane.
I got your message.
- Yeah.
I was just re-watching the video.
- Why? Because we need to find a way to get back into court.
But the judge dismissed.
Without prejudice, which means? Uh, if we can find admissible evidence, then we can refile.
- Yep.
- But the video was excluded.
Because we didn't have time to authenticate.
And if we can figure out who shot the video, then we can introduce the footage.
Yeah.
Hopefully.
All right.
Here we go.
Hey.
Jane, pause it.
Okay.
Uh, rewind a little.
- All right.
Pause it.
- Okay.
Right there.
Yeah.
The girl waving to the camera.
She's wearing a Fitness Farm T-shirt.
That's my gym.
Okay.
So we will fax a screen grab over to the gym to see if anyone knows her.
With a body like that, she's doing pilates at least five times a week.
When their father signed the operating agreement, his children became bound by the laws of Richard The Lionheart, an amalgam of English and German rules of knightly behavior.
Professor Martin, how do these laws apply to the present matter? In property disputes, the litigants were afforded the opportunity to determine the merits of their case by force of arms.
I'm sorry.
What? More commonly known as trial by combat.
Well, there's a novel approach.
So ordered.
- Your honor - You want them to fight? I am ready, willing, and able to face my brother in battle.
I'm afraid that's not possible.
Ms.
Welsh is hors de combat.
What did you call me? Hors de combat quite literally, "outside the fight.
" Women were barred from battle, the thought being that their reproductive organs could not sustain a blow.
If I can't fight, I can't win.
A 12th Century Catch-22.
Actually, the magistrate may name a champion to fight in her place.
The magistrate would be me.
Hmm.
Who to pick? - Your Honor! - Excellent idea.
I appoint barrister Grayson Kent to fight.
Tomorrow.
At Medieval Mania.
Do you have a preference of weapons, Mr.
Kent? How about broadswords, Your Honor? Broadswords it is.
May the best man win.
Elisa, you're still here? Who are you trying to impress? Hey.
Put that down.
I have a whole system worked out.
You're digitizing closed files? Yes.
For Kim Kaswell.
And I have a deadline, so Ah.
Well, don't stay too late.
Jay.
Have a good night.
You too.
Did you know that venison was consumed way before people ever ate chicken or beef? Did you know that Bernard King scored 19,655 points in his career but is not in the Hall of Fame? Why would I know that? Why would I know about deer meat? Not to change riveting subjects, but I saw Elisa digitizing files.
And? And I'm just wondering if that's the best use of our resources.
Since when do you care how I use a temp? You're burying her in busywork.
You still have feelings for her.
It's not like that.
Wow.
That was convincing.
Admit it, Parker you've fallen for the damsel in distress.
What? No.
I Why do you think I gave her the work? To see how you would react.
- It was a test? - Can you blame me? I mean, with our past, what do you expect? I don't know what you want me to say, Kim.
Wow.
Enjoy your dinner.
Sir knight.
Meet Teri Lee Master of lance, mace and the blade.
W you know how to do this? Oh, yeah.
I practically grew up at Medieval Mania.
My mom thought I was at the library.
The Sir Gawain model.
My personal favorite.
You have a favorite sword? Oh, yeah.
Doesn't everybody? Got to admit you're freaking me out a little.
Grayson, put on your helmet and try not to get hurt.
En garde! Still at it.
Hey.
Figured if you were still here, you'd be starving by now.
Yeah.
I was just about to order a pizza.
Well, we're downtown.
No one delivers.
Except you.
Thank you, Jay.
Just do me a favor.
Don't eat at your desk.
But I promised Ms.
Kaswell You no longer report to Kim.
Go home.
That's an order.
Thank you for everything the job, dinner.
You're not the same guy from eight years ago.
I don't really understand why I'm here.
Because Stacy is out of control and we're bringing her back down to earth.
She broke my heart and now I'm supposed to help her? Does she even talk about me? Fred, this Stacy this is not the girl you fell in love with.
I I can't see her.
Fred, please.
Just think of this as you helping me to help her.
You have no idea what she's been like to live with.
Wait.
By the way where have you been living? - Youth Hostel on Sunset.
- Oh.
It's a dollar every time I want to use the bathroom.
We're here for the diva intervention.
- Great.
- And you brought weapons? Don't ask.
So, uh, Stacy's been a little impossible, huh? Yeah.
But we're gonna nip that in the bud.
I have been watching hours of "Intervention.
" And the key to a successful intervention is patience, purpose, and preparation.
And if that doesn't work, I got a 10-pound mace in my bag.
She's here.
Oh, great.
Okay.
Um, places, everyone.
Um, let's start with the prepared speeches.
So, who would like to go first? I'll go first.
Hello, Stacy.
Oh, wow! My half-birthday! You remembered! Fred, what are you doing here? Leaving.
Fred.
Sit.
Stacy, please sit.
Where are my presents? Stacy, we all love you.
Of course you do.
Some less than others.
I used to love you.
Stacy, we all want the best for you.
But your diva-like behavior has negatively affected us in the following ways.
Oh, no.
What are you doing? You have been condescending, dismissive An intervention? Are you kidding? Please.
Just hear us out.
I have lines to memorize.
And just so you know the world treats stars differently.
Deal with it.
Boy, was Deb ever right.
About what? She always said you'd become a pill if you ever made it big.
"If"?! I'm sure Deb meant "when.
" Well, let me tell you something, Grayson.
Deb was always jealous of me.
And no offense, but if Deb were here, I would tell her to kiss my ass! Well, if she was here, she would tell you to get over yourself.
And I would tell her to suck it up and deal with her own failures.
And she would never speak to you again.
Well, I'm never speaking to you again! We really need to do this more often.
Hey, Jane.
I got your message.
They ID'd the woman? Yep.
And there she is.
Let's go say hello.
Ms.
Alpert? Yes.
Do I know you? No, no.
I'm a lawyer.
I just had a quick question for you.
You were at Conrad's Bridal last week, and someone filmed you shopping.
I was wondering if you knew who.
I have no idea.
You you waved at the camera.
I was just being friendly.
Excuse me, miss.
Can you please try and think back, remember what this person looks like? It's real important.
- Everything okay, honey? - Yeah.
What's going on here? - This is my husband, Tom.
- Ah, newlyweds.
Congratulations.
Yeah.
It's three years next month.
But you were buying a wedding dress last week? I'm an actress.
And I responded to a Craig's List ad for extra work.
We were told to just show up to the bridal sale and act like we were excited.
"We"? There were hundreds of us.
Wait.
So Conrad's Bridal paid you to pretend to shop? We were paid, but not by Conrad's.
Ms.
Alpert, who paid you? I'm in charge of revamping Conrad's P.
R.
campaign.
And bride-a-palooza used to get national coverage, but that's faded in recent years, correct? That's right.
How many customers did you tell Conrad's to expect? Approximately 200.
Why do you think the actual turnout was so much higher? I'm good at my job.
Lucy Alpert, please stand up.
Do you recognize that woman? I'm I'm not sure.
Isn't she one of the several hundred women you hired to make sure bride-a-palooza remained newsworthy? And isn't it true that you purposely underestimated the crowd size to Conrad's Bridal in the hopes of generating a newsworthy, taffeta riot? I don't know what you're talking about.
Before you finish that sentence, you should know that I subpoenaed your Craig's List ad.
So remember you're under oath.
Can't hear anything.
No more questions.
Summer, where are you and why aren't you answering your phone? As soon as you get this, you better call me right back or Oh, my God.
Uh, you're not supposed to be here for another hour.
Why were you in Brian's trailer in Brian's bathrobe?! He wanted a muffin.
Where is he?! On set.
Background.
And action.
Cheezy chips a cheese explosion in every bite.
Crunch on! And cut.
Nice work, Brian.
Hey, babe.
What's up? You son of a bitch.
You're doing my assistant and my commercial?! In my defense, you turned down the commercial.
You told me to! Hey That's for summer! And that's for besmirching! We have an offer.
Six figures.
What? That's enough to pay off Kelly's bills and your last year of law school.
What's wrong? I don't know how to thank you.
Oh.
Just Counselor.
Uh-oh.
The lawyer I complained about he works at your firm, doesn't he? Yeah.
You told him what I told you in confidence.
I am so sorry.
I didn't mean to.
I I just I wasn't thinking, and it slipped out.
And I swear I will never mm.
I swear I will never get bored doing that.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a duel to preside over.
I heard.
Now, I know you don't like Grayson, but please don't let him die.
Ms.
Kaswell.
Lady Guinevere.
Oh, my God.
Your Honor, you have to reconsider your ruling before someone gets hurt.
Lex est Lex.
"The law is the law"? Exactly.
The combat will proceed as ordered.
This is moronic.
And you know what? I can't be a part of it.
I'm sorry, Kim.
I'm out of here.
Ah! And remember it's parry, then thrust, just like sex.
He won't budge.
Okay.
It's game time.
The weapons room is that way.
And remember Parry, thrust.
I know.
Good luck, fair knight, and good knowing you! Sir Lance, Sir Grayson, stand ready! Join combat, and may the just and righteous prevail! Parry and thrust! Parry and thrust! - Teri.
- Is it hot in here? I declare the battle over.
Gwen's champion has prevailed.
Actually I've prevailed.
What the hell? Oh, and by the way, my reproductive organs just fine.
She broke the rules.
The match is a forfeit! Your Honor Judge, according to the laws of Richard The Lionheart, "a thing proven by experience to be true" "must, a posteriori, be true and accepted as true.
" What the hell is he talking about? The fact that she fought and won is proof of the merits to her claim.
The barrister is correct.
The structured buyout proposed by Guinevere's counsel shall be enforced.
Excuse me.
Look, about the other day in chambers, I apologize if Never happened.
Thanks.
Between us if I'd actually lost that fight, you weren't gonna force Gwen to sell, were you? Let's just say I have always been confident in a just and noble verdict.
Big win today.
Yeah.
Well speaking of which Stacy.
"Ignore.
" She's probably just calling because she wants me to hand-squeeze her goji berry juice or re-tile the bathroom in a mosaic of her face.
Guess who.
Don't answer it.
Fred, don't answer it.
Listen, this is how we deal with Stacy.
We stay strong, we turn off our phones, and we hope that one day she will be her normal, crazy self again.
Fred, answer.
Come on! Answer! Okay, sweetheart.
We have to get you processed and find you a bed for the night.
I have to stay the night? You assaulted Brian Pullman.
He's a big star, and he wants the D.
A.
to press charges.
Oh, but wait.
I'm a star, too.
Doesn't that count for something? - You're a star? - Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
I play officer Brittany Fellows on TV's "L.
A.
P.
D.
A.
" Oh.
Of course! Well, in that case here's your wardrobe, and your motivation is not to get your ass kicked.
Phone.
But I really am a star.
I thought I'd go straight to Heaven, but there was a bit of a mix-up and I woke up in someone else's body.
So now I'm Jane, a super-busy lawyer with my very own assistant.
I got a new life, a new wardrobe, and the only people who really know what's going on with me are my girlfriend Stacy and my guardian angel, Fred.
I used to think everything happened for a reason Whoo! and, well, I sure hope I was right.
Drop Dead Diva 3x12 - Bride-a-Palooza Original air date September 18, 2011 Good morning, sweetie.
Did you finish reviewing my contract for my sitcom? I just got it last night.
So, did you finish? I had a date with Owen.
He was so sweet.
He brought me to this new place on Sunset I'm sorry.
Can we do the girl talk later? - You need to see this.
- Sure.
Sweetie! - That is fantastic! - It's my bad side.
I told them twice not to shoot me from the left.
No.
Wait.
I thought your left side was your good side.
Tush, yes, face no.
Can you believe Brian has photo approval and I don't? Well, he is the star.
For now.
Stacy.
You're dating him.
Right.
So we should be equal.
I bet his lawyer reviewed his contract last night.
Wow.
Are you kidding me? I'm sorry.
It's been a long week.
First, I get the new job, and then Fred leaves Well, you left him.
Remember? You broke his heart.
Yeah.
I feel bad.
Anyway, on my TV show, I've been feeling all this pressure to be funny and sexy.
But that is no excuse to snap at my best friend.
Okay.
All right.
I will review your contract before lunch.
I promise.
Great.
I will have my assistant call you at 1:00.
You have an assistant? Yes! And you would know that if you read my contract.
Oh.
Oh.
Excuse me.
The 12th floor.
Are you going to Harrison & Parker? - That's right.
- Is it someone's birthday? Are you like one of those singing telegrams? - I have always wanted to do that.
- Uh, no.
I'm meeting a lawyer.
Oh.
- Sorry.
- It's okay.
Hey, boss.
- Oh, my God.
- Oh.
Princess Guinevere.
- Oh.
- I've seen you at Medieval Mania.
I love the jousts and the feasts and the unlimited grog You're the one who screams "take it off!" whenever the prince wears a codpiece.
That's me.
I'm here to see Grayson Kent.
Oh.
I'll take you.
Uh, coffee, milady? When my father died last year, he left Medieval Mania to me and my brother, Lance.
Wait.
His two kids' names are Guinevere and Lance? Yeah.
And Merlin was our goldfish.
Our dad was really into the medieval thing.
Looks like you're pretty into it, too.
I love my job, but I'm in my garb 'cause I have a matinee in an hour.
If I understood you correctly, Lance - wants to sell the business, but you don't.
- Yes.
He says the building's sitting on top of valuable property.
And yesterday, I was served with this.
An action for partition.
Lance is suing to force you to sell to a third party.
This would have broken dad's heart.
Will you help me? A damsel in distress? How could I say no? I brought you coffee.
I got my own.
But maybe the princess would like a refill.
You've got a big client coming in today.
Madonna, Lady Gaga, Sean Penn, or Courtney Love? - Kelly Witsett.
- Is that Snooki's real name? No.
It's the bargain basement bridezilla.
Oh.
Her? She wants to sue Conrad's Bridal.
A bratty bride goes to a blowout sale, she gets into a fight over a discount gown, - and now she wants to sue? - That's right.
No way.
This has "frivolous lawsuit" written all over it, and I don't do frivolous.
It's not frivolous.
I'm sorry.
And you are? Jacob Campbell.
I'm Kelly's fiancé.
Oh.
Where's Kelly? She's in the hospital.
Ms.
Bingum, my fiancée was injured pretty badly at that bridal store.
Please come see for yourself? I suffered head trauma, a ruptured spleen, and a punctured kidney.
I am so sorry.
I had no idea.
This photo made national news.
It appears as though Kelly's fighting for a dress.
Yeah.
I've seen this.
You saw a whacked-out bridezilla.
Now look at it this way.
My fiancée isn't fighting.
She's lying on the floor, screaming in pain.
Conrad's deliberately released the photo at the wrong angle.
The sale was supposed to be fun.
The store had a big ad in the paper inviting brides to a deal of a lifetime.
"Bride-a-palooza super sale.
" "All brides get a free mini veil.
" "Find your dream dress at a dream price.
" They simply weren't prepared for the number of women who showed up.
I tried to get out, but I fell down, and people just kept coming.
This is a clear case of reckless endangerment, which is what I stated in my complaint.
Are you a lawyer? A third-year law student.
But I had to take a leave of absence to take care of Kelly.
And you need my help so Conrad's takes this seriously.
Oh, no.
Here we go again.
- I'll turn it off.
- No.
No.
I want Jane to hear it.
I'm here with Steven Conrad, president of Conrad's Bridal.
Is it true that Kelly Witsett, A.
K.
A.
the bargain basement bridezilla, is now suing your store? Yes, ma'am.
That woman was out of control the day of the sale, and she's out of control once again.
You liar.
Shh.
It's okay, baby.
And now she's trying to get a payday for a fight she started.
Jacob, Kelly, just wait till they see the fight I'm about to start.
I'm confused.
Your card says "LMN Public Relations.
" Are you a P.
R.
exec? Yes.
I planned the bride-a-palooza super sale.
- But you're not a lawyer.
- No.
Okay.
Well, this is a settlement conference, Ms.
Davis.
So we'll just wait for the lawyers to show up.
They're not sending any lawyers.
Mr.
Campbell's right.
This doesn't have to get litigious.
Ms.
Davis, this is not a P.
R.
issue.
Mr.
Campbell's fiancée was seriously injured.
Now, my client found this footage online, taken by another customer.
So let's just take a look.
There's Kelly she's shopping for a dress, then she's brutally thrown to the ground, where she is kicked and stomped and crushed.
Help me, please! Somebody! Please help me! We want to make things right.
And I am authorized to make a settlement offer.
$5,000? And a gift certificate for a free wedding dress.
All I need is for you to sign right here.
A gag order? A privacy agreement.
This barely covers a day at the hospital.
And it's a very generous offer.
This was an unfortunate accident, but Conrad's did nothing wrong.
You may be able to spin this for the news, but the jury will see the truth when they see this video.
So we'll see Conrad's lawyers in court.
Do me.
Love to.
How's the princess? Fantastic.
Thank you.
Oh, you meant the client.
Good.
We got an expedited hearing.
Great.
And why is this princess so fantastic? Because I got us reservations at Oxtail Tavern's Festival of Venison.
Good morning.
Oh.
What's your ex-girlfriend doing here? I thought her case was over.
She lost her job, so she's working here as a temp.
Which means it's just temporary.
Huh.
From girlfriend to client to employee.
Listen, if it's a problem No, no.
It's not a problem.
In fact, I'm swamped, and I could use the help.
All rise.
Oh.
Uh-oh.
Why? What's wrong? Nothing.
It's just that judge I'm kind of dating him.
Ms.
Bingum.
Yes.
Uh, the attorney on record is Jacob Campbell.
Last-minute change.
I am now lead counsel.
Is there an issue, Your Honor? I believe there is.
I am sua sponte recusing myself.
I don't want to risk the appearance of impropriety, given the nature of my relationship with Ms.
Bingum.
For clarity, perhaps His Honor would care to elaborate on this relationship.
- We've been on a few dates.
- Seven.
Would you say, on the record, that things are going well? If they weren't, I wouldn't be recusing myself, Ms.
Bingum.
That is all.
Go on with your bad self.
Hi.
Hi.
These files are from 2007.
I need you to digitize them.
And when you're done, the paper files need to be shredded.
Okay.
I'm on it.
And then you can start on 2008.
I need this by Wednesday.
- This Wednesday? - Is that a problem? Well, it's just that I can't stay late tonight for personal reasons.
This job requires long hours.
If you can't hack it, I suggest you reconsider the position.
I can hack it.
Good.
Red leather, yellow leather, red leather, yellow leather.
Red leather, yellow leather E excuse me.
What?! I am trying to warm up my vocal cords.
I'm so sorry for the interruption.
Um, here's your nonfat, soy foam latte.
Uh I put your lipstick on ice in your trailer, organized by gloss.
Oh.
And your agent called.
You got the Cheezy chips commercial.
Oh, my God.
I'm gonna be the Cheezy girl.
Brian! Brian! Hey, babe.
Guess who's the new spokesperson for Cheezy chips.
Me! Well, my character, officer fellows.
Wow.
Stacy, that's Incredible.
I know.
It's a national commercial, and they're going to shoot it right here.
Okay.
- What? - I don't know.
I just don't want you to devalue your work or besmirch officer Fellows.
Besmirch? It means It means Summer, call my agent and tell her I will not be the Cheezy girl.
And then get me a low-carb cranberry muffin, but remove all the cranberries.
I like the flavor, but the berries Stick in your teeth.
You complete me.
Nice suit.
The princess dress was in the wash.
Where the hell is the judge? She's late.
I'm right here, counselor.
I thought Judge Singer was presiding.
For personal reasons, we swapped.
I apologize for my tardiness, but I've been getting up to speed on this rather unusual case.
- Can we get started? - Oh, yes, Your Honor.
We're asking the court to dismiss the action for partition and instead compel the plaintiff to accept a timed, structured buyout.
It's a win-win.
Gwen keeps Medieval Mania, and Lance gets the sale price paid out over the next 5 to 10 years, as his sister can afford it.
No way.
I want the money now.
Your Honor, this is a simple family dispute.
Actually, it's not.
I'm assuming you've seen the operating agreement drawn up by their father.
- Yes, but - There is no "but," Ms.
Kaswell.
Their father was very passionate about the medieval era.
Under subsection 3 of the bylaws "the parties must settle" "using the laws of Richard The Lionheart.
" Your Honor, that was clearly a joke.
It's unusual, but it's binding.
He's right.
Choice-of-law clauses are recognized by our legal system.
You know that, counselor.
Henceforth, per the agreement, we will be following 12th Century law.
We'll recess while I find an expert in the matter.
That's absurd.
You say absurd.
I say 'tis most exciting! You've heard Kelly Witsett called "bridezilla", "out of control," "crazy.
" But I am certain that you will feel differently after seeing what really happened.
Objection! I move to exclude the video, as it is more prejudicial than probative.
Oh, sure if you define "prejudicial" as any evidence that doesn't support your case.
- It only serves to inflame the jury.
- No.
Not to mention we have a chain-of-custody issue.
Whoa.
Wait.
What? Plaintiff's fiancé found the video online, and opposing counsel has failed to produce the videographer.
Anonymously sourced evidence is not permissible.
I'm ruling to exclude.
Wait.
Your honor, please.
You can't! - Jacob, stop.
- No.
- Sir! - Judge, the jury needs to see what happened.
Sit down or I'll hold you in contempt.
You have my ruling.
Hi.
That was a disaster.
I'm sure it wasn't as bad as he's been saying.
No, it didn't go well.
But to paraphrase Calvin Klein "If the spring line gets panned, there's always fall.
" Okay.
So you're either going shopping or you have another strategy.
A good lawyer always has a plan "B".
So, Jacob, you and I have to get back to court.
And as I'm sure you've learned in law school, it's not good to keep a judge waiting.
Love you.
Dr.
Andrews, these photos were taken when you admitted Kelly Witsett to the E.
R.
, correct? Yes.
And her injuries are consistent with being trampled.
She had a punctured spleen, most likely caused by a high heel Wait.
So a high heel could puncture a spleen? Ms.
Witsett was in a prone position, and if a heel struck her flank at just the right angle I'm sorry.
Hold on.
To make it easier for the jury to visualize, I would like my lovely assistant to come on down.
Okay.
Would a high heel puncturing a spleen look something like this? Objection! This is ridiculous.
I'm just demonstrating what happened without violating chain of custody.
You're also scuffing an expensive pair of pumps.
- True.
- I'm allowing it.
Was that the extent of my client's injuries? Uh, no.
She also suffered a ruptured left kidney, also from a heel.
Something like this? Yes.
And trauma to the head caused by a sharp blow.
Objection! Your Honor, she's trying to prejudice the jury.
By "prejudice," do you mean that the jury will never look at Manolos the same way? 'Cause that's true.
I think we get your point, Ms.
Bingum.
In fact, I may never shop again.
I'm calling a short recess.
- Keep it.
Have a good one.
- Thanks.
Hey, there, judge.
Hey! How was court? I think I made an impression on the jury.
So not bad, even though I have a long way to go.
Well, I am so glad we're dating.
If I hadn't recused myself from your trial, I wouldn't be sitting on the most fascinating case.
I guess I come with perks.
Indeed.
I'm adjudicating a case using medieval law.
- Oh, really? - Oh, it's awesome.
Awesome! Well, except for the the defense attorney.
Whine, whine, whine, whine, whine.
I wish I could tell the princess to drop her jackass lawyer.
Oh.
The the defendant's a a princess? No, no, no, no, no.
- She she plays one at Medieval Mania.
- Oh.
You ever heard of it? It's fun.
We should go sometime.
Yeah.
I'd love to.
Um, tell me more about this jackass lawyer.
Just want to get a mental picture.
Uh, square jaw.
Puffy hair.
No sense of humor.
I mean, come on, dude.
Well, I'm sure he's just trying to be earnest.
Well, I guess.
Yeah.
I just hope this trial goes on long enough so I don't get stuck with Eagan vs.
Schwartz.
Oh, my God.
Patent case.
Total yawn.
- Oh.
- Anyway, you wouldn't happen to have a spare crespinette laying around, would you? A crespinette would be oh! A hat worn by medieval nobility.
You know, I'm fresh out.
- Really? - Yeah.
Ah.
Well, eBay, here I come.
Jane, 'tis glorious to look upon you.
You know, those snacks are only for the cast.
And I see you've been eating more than your fair share.
Did you bring my contract? Right here.
Sign it, quick, before the producers realize they've made a horrible mistake.
Kind of like the mistake you made by dumping Fred, who's way too good for you.
That is none of your business.
And all deliveries go to my assistant.
But she's very busy right now.
What happened? She got angry at me and tossed her smoothie into her purse which she thought was mine.
Our bags look alike, but yours is a knockoff.
Okay.
So how about I just give the contract directly to you? How about you just wait for my assistant to be available? Uh, I'm almost finished.
I just have to blow-dry her bills.
When you're done, that bag better not smell like spirulina.
I know.
Mommy is so sorry that I have to work late tonight.
Okay.
I love you, too.
Hey, Elisa.
- Hey.
- Oh, swamped, huh? Yeah.
It's got to get done.
Yeah.
That's debatable.
Just scanning old files? Yes.
You know, there's nothing so pressing that you can't get home to your son.
Yeah, but Kim gave me a deadline.
I see.
Look, Elisa, I know that you're reluctant to tell Parker about Eric, but you deserve Jane, listen.
I appreciate everything, but please understand that that's not gonna happen.
Parker has a right to know that he's the father.
I'm sorry.
That sounded so preachy.
I I just I think he can handle it.
But I can't.
Not now.
I mean, he is my boss, and that's it.
There you are.
Excuse me.
I need her.
Wow.
What's wrong? I just delivered the contract to Stacy, and I think you need to fire her as your client - and your friend.
- Yeah.
She's a little out of control, isn't she? And the Grand Canyon's just a little hole in the ground.
Ever since this acting job, she has totally changed.
Do you know that she'll only go to A-list events? And she won't unpack her own shopping bags, and she deleted "Gossip Girl" from our DVR because "Blake Lively is competition.
" I know a guy who will pick her up at midnight and drop her off south of the border.
Hmm.
Ooh.
No.
I've got a better idea.
Expect an evite.
- You're throwing her a party? - Not exactly.
Just RSVP "Yes.
" Hey! Hey, did we have a meeting? Please tell me you know something about medieval law.
You know, I may be older than you, but I am not that old.
I'm in front of this insane judge who intends on trying my case under the laws of Richard The Lionheart.
Oh, wow.
Yeah.
- Crazy, right? - Yeah.
Should have the bar review this guy.
No.
No.
Now, that's not a good idea.
Plus, you know, if the contract in question mandates medieval law, then medieval law rules the day.
It's just how the system works.
You're right.
But the judge is way too into it.
I swear he's gonna walk into that courtroom in a funny hat.
See? He sounds whimsical.
Just Grayson, enjoy the ride.
These judges get stuck on such boring cases, like that patent case that's floating around.
So he's probably just trying to draw this one out to avoid that one, which I hear is a total yawn.
- Uh, hypothetically, I mean.
- You know what? I bet you're right.
- No! - That makes sense.
He's stalling.
- No.
I was just speculating.
- I'm gonna go talk to him.
- Uh, please.
Stop.
- No.
I'm gonna put an end to this.
This is great.
I'm gonna I'm gonna take care of this.
Thank you so much.
No.
No.
Please do not thank me.
Seriously, don't thank me and don't mention my name.
Mr.
McKenzie, as an expert on retail security, how would you rate Conrad's security plan on the day in question? Totally inadequate.
They hired four security guards far too few to handle a crowd of 500.
How many would it have taken to avoid the injuries sustained by my client? An algorithm determines how many guards are necessary to prevent a mob mentality.
You take square footage, number of exits, and foot traffic.
They needed 12 guards, not four.
Thank you.
Mr.
McKenzie, this algorithm is described in this book your book "Shoes, Shirts, and Security: Retail Crowd Control.
" That's right.
This algorithm says that with 500 people, - they should've hired 12 guards.
- Correct.
But what if there were only 200 shoppers? For 200 shoppers, the four security guards would've have been sufficient.
Do you know how many shoppers attended Conrad's sale last year? - No.
- 208.
And the year before that 202.
And according to their own P.
R.
firm, they were to expect approximately the same number this year.
So how was Conrad's to know that they were gonna get more than twice the average traffic? I don't know.
An honest answer.
With that, Your Honor, we move that you dismiss the case.
Excuse me? There is absolutely no evidence of negligence.
The plaintiff has failed to make a prima facie case.
Um, Your Honor, you can't Ah, I think I can, Ms.
Bingum.
Your client has my sympathy, but the law is not on your side.
Case dismissed without prejudice.
It's open! Judge.
What can I do for you, counselor? I think we both know why I'm here.
Let's pretend one of us doesn't.
I think you need to be noble, like a knight of yore, and recuse yourself from my case.
Is that what you think, sir barrister? Or should I say sir ex parte barrister, who ought to know better than to approach a sitting judge without opposing counsel? I get the feeling you're not as interested in 12th century law as you are in dodging a certain patent case.
Where'd you hear that? Just do the right thing and hand this case to another judge.
I'm gonna pretend that you didn't just threaten me.
I wouldn't call it a If my adjudication doesn't sit well with you, make an interim appeal.
A little advice tread lightly, counselor.
Hey, Jane.
I got your message.
- Yeah.
I was just re-watching the video.
- Why? Because we need to find a way to get back into court.
But the judge dismissed.
Without prejudice, which means? Uh, if we can find admissible evidence, then we can refile.
- Yep.
- But the video was excluded.
Because we didn't have time to authenticate.
And if we can figure out who shot the video, then we can introduce the footage.
Yeah.
Hopefully.
All right.
Here we go.
Hey.
Jane, pause it.
Okay.
Uh, rewind a little.
- All right.
Pause it.
- Okay.
Right there.
Yeah.
The girl waving to the camera.
She's wearing a Fitness Farm T-shirt.
That's my gym.
Okay.
So we will fax a screen grab over to the gym to see if anyone knows her.
With a body like that, she's doing pilates at least five times a week.
When their father signed the operating agreement, his children became bound by the laws of Richard The Lionheart, an amalgam of English and German rules of knightly behavior.
Professor Martin, how do these laws apply to the present matter? In property disputes, the litigants were afforded the opportunity to determine the merits of their case by force of arms.
I'm sorry.
What? More commonly known as trial by combat.
Well, there's a novel approach.
So ordered.
- Your honor - You want them to fight? I am ready, willing, and able to face my brother in battle.
I'm afraid that's not possible.
Ms.
Welsh is hors de combat.
What did you call me? Hors de combat quite literally, "outside the fight.
" Women were barred from battle, the thought being that their reproductive organs could not sustain a blow.
If I can't fight, I can't win.
A 12th Century Catch-22.
Actually, the magistrate may name a champion to fight in her place.
The magistrate would be me.
Hmm.
Who to pick? - Your Honor! - Excellent idea.
I appoint barrister Grayson Kent to fight.
Tomorrow.
At Medieval Mania.
Do you have a preference of weapons, Mr.
Kent? How about broadswords, Your Honor? Broadswords it is.
May the best man win.
Elisa, you're still here? Who are you trying to impress? Hey.
Put that down.
I have a whole system worked out.
You're digitizing closed files? Yes.
For Kim Kaswell.
And I have a deadline, so Ah.
Well, don't stay too late.
Jay.
Have a good night.
You too.
Did you know that venison was consumed way before people ever ate chicken or beef? Did you know that Bernard King scored 19,655 points in his career but is not in the Hall of Fame? Why would I know that? Why would I know about deer meat? Not to change riveting subjects, but I saw Elisa digitizing files.
And? And I'm just wondering if that's the best use of our resources.
Since when do you care how I use a temp? You're burying her in busywork.
You still have feelings for her.
It's not like that.
Wow.
That was convincing.
Admit it, Parker you've fallen for the damsel in distress.
What? No.
I Why do you think I gave her the work? To see how you would react.
- It was a test? - Can you blame me? I mean, with our past, what do you expect? I don't know what you want me to say, Kim.
Wow.
Enjoy your dinner.
Sir knight.
Meet Teri Lee Master of lance, mace and the blade.
W you know how to do this? Oh, yeah.
I practically grew up at Medieval Mania.
My mom thought I was at the library.
The Sir Gawain model.
My personal favorite.
You have a favorite sword? Oh, yeah.
Doesn't everybody? Got to admit you're freaking me out a little.
Grayson, put on your helmet and try not to get hurt.
En garde! Still at it.
Hey.
Figured if you were still here, you'd be starving by now.
Yeah.
I was just about to order a pizza.
Well, we're downtown.
No one delivers.
Except you.
Thank you, Jay.
Just do me a favor.
Don't eat at your desk.
But I promised Ms.
Kaswell You no longer report to Kim.
Go home.
That's an order.
Thank you for everything the job, dinner.
You're not the same guy from eight years ago.
I don't really understand why I'm here.
Because Stacy is out of control and we're bringing her back down to earth.
She broke my heart and now I'm supposed to help her? Does she even talk about me? Fred, this Stacy this is not the girl you fell in love with.
I I can't see her.
Fred, please.
Just think of this as you helping me to help her.
You have no idea what she's been like to live with.
Wait.
By the way where have you been living? - Youth Hostel on Sunset.
- Oh.
It's a dollar every time I want to use the bathroom.
We're here for the diva intervention.
- Great.
- And you brought weapons? Don't ask.
So, uh, Stacy's been a little impossible, huh? Yeah.
But we're gonna nip that in the bud.
I have been watching hours of "Intervention.
" And the key to a successful intervention is patience, purpose, and preparation.
And if that doesn't work, I got a 10-pound mace in my bag.
She's here.
Oh, great.
Okay.
Um, places, everyone.
Um, let's start with the prepared speeches.
So, who would like to go first? I'll go first.
Hello, Stacy.
Oh, wow! My half-birthday! You remembered! Fred, what are you doing here? Leaving.
Fred.
Sit.
Stacy, please sit.
Where are my presents? Stacy, we all love you.
Of course you do.
Some less than others.
I used to love you.
Stacy, we all want the best for you.
But your diva-like behavior has negatively affected us in the following ways.
Oh, no.
What are you doing? You have been condescending, dismissive An intervention? Are you kidding? Please.
Just hear us out.
I have lines to memorize.
And just so you know the world treats stars differently.
Deal with it.
Boy, was Deb ever right.
About what? She always said you'd become a pill if you ever made it big.
"If"?! I'm sure Deb meant "when.
" Well, let me tell you something, Grayson.
Deb was always jealous of me.
And no offense, but if Deb were here, I would tell her to kiss my ass! Well, if she was here, she would tell you to get over yourself.
And I would tell her to suck it up and deal with her own failures.
And she would never speak to you again.
Well, I'm never speaking to you again! We really need to do this more often.
Hey, Jane.
I got your message.
They ID'd the woman? Yep.
And there she is.
Let's go say hello.
Ms.
Alpert? Yes.
Do I know you? No, no.
I'm a lawyer.
I just had a quick question for you.
You were at Conrad's Bridal last week, and someone filmed you shopping.
I was wondering if you knew who.
I have no idea.
You you waved at the camera.
I was just being friendly.
Excuse me, miss.
Can you please try and think back, remember what this person looks like? It's real important.
- Everything okay, honey? - Yeah.
What's going on here? - This is my husband, Tom.
- Ah, newlyweds.
Congratulations.
Yeah.
It's three years next month.
But you were buying a wedding dress last week? I'm an actress.
And I responded to a Craig's List ad for extra work.
We were told to just show up to the bridal sale and act like we were excited.
"We"? There were hundreds of us.
Wait.
So Conrad's Bridal paid you to pretend to shop? We were paid, but not by Conrad's.
Ms.
Alpert, who paid you? I'm in charge of revamping Conrad's P.
R.
campaign.
And bride-a-palooza used to get national coverage, but that's faded in recent years, correct? That's right.
How many customers did you tell Conrad's to expect? Approximately 200.
Why do you think the actual turnout was so much higher? I'm good at my job.
Lucy Alpert, please stand up.
Do you recognize that woman? I'm I'm not sure.
Isn't she one of the several hundred women you hired to make sure bride-a-palooza remained newsworthy? And isn't it true that you purposely underestimated the crowd size to Conrad's Bridal in the hopes of generating a newsworthy, taffeta riot? I don't know what you're talking about.
Before you finish that sentence, you should know that I subpoenaed your Craig's List ad.
So remember you're under oath.
Can't hear anything.
No more questions.
Summer, where are you and why aren't you answering your phone? As soon as you get this, you better call me right back or Oh, my God.
Uh, you're not supposed to be here for another hour.
Why were you in Brian's trailer in Brian's bathrobe?! He wanted a muffin.
Where is he?! On set.
Background.
And action.
Cheezy chips a cheese explosion in every bite.
Crunch on! And cut.
Nice work, Brian.
Hey, babe.
What's up? You son of a bitch.
You're doing my assistant and my commercial?! In my defense, you turned down the commercial.
You told me to! Hey That's for summer! And that's for besmirching! We have an offer.
Six figures.
What? That's enough to pay off Kelly's bills and your last year of law school.
What's wrong? I don't know how to thank you.
Oh.
Just Counselor.
Uh-oh.
The lawyer I complained about he works at your firm, doesn't he? Yeah.
You told him what I told you in confidence.
I am so sorry.
I didn't mean to.
I I just I wasn't thinking, and it slipped out.
And I swear I will never mm.
I swear I will never get bored doing that.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a duel to preside over.
I heard.
Now, I know you don't like Grayson, but please don't let him die.
Ms.
Kaswell.
Lady Guinevere.
Oh, my God.
Your Honor, you have to reconsider your ruling before someone gets hurt.
Lex est Lex.
"The law is the law"? Exactly.
The combat will proceed as ordered.
This is moronic.
And you know what? I can't be a part of it.
I'm sorry, Kim.
I'm out of here.
Ah! And remember it's parry, then thrust, just like sex.
He won't budge.
Okay.
It's game time.
The weapons room is that way.
And remember Parry, thrust.
I know.
Good luck, fair knight, and good knowing you! Sir Lance, Sir Grayson, stand ready! Join combat, and may the just and righteous prevail! Parry and thrust! Parry and thrust! - Teri.
- Is it hot in here? I declare the battle over.
Gwen's champion has prevailed.
Actually I've prevailed.
What the hell? Oh, and by the way, my reproductive organs just fine.
She broke the rules.
The match is a forfeit! Your Honor Judge, according to the laws of Richard The Lionheart, "a thing proven by experience to be true" "must, a posteriori, be true and accepted as true.
" What the hell is he talking about? The fact that she fought and won is proof of the merits to her claim.
The barrister is correct.
The structured buyout proposed by Guinevere's counsel shall be enforced.
Excuse me.
Look, about the other day in chambers, I apologize if Never happened.
Thanks.
Between us if I'd actually lost that fight, you weren't gonna force Gwen to sell, were you? Let's just say I have always been confident in a just and noble verdict.
Big win today.
Yeah.
Well speaking of which Stacy.
"Ignore.
" She's probably just calling because she wants me to hand-squeeze her goji berry juice or re-tile the bathroom in a mosaic of her face.
Guess who.
Don't answer it.
Fred, don't answer it.
Listen, this is how we deal with Stacy.
We stay strong, we turn off our phones, and we hope that one day she will be her normal, crazy self again.
Fred, answer.
Come on! Answer! Okay, sweetheart.
We have to get you processed and find you a bed for the night.
I have to stay the night? You assaulted Brian Pullman.
He's a big star, and he wants the D.
A.
to press charges.
Oh, but wait.
I'm a star, too.
Doesn't that count for something? - You're a star? - Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
I play officer Brittany Fellows on TV's "L.
A.
P.
D.
A.
" Oh.
Of course! Well, in that case here's your wardrobe, and your motivation is not to get your ass kicked.
Phone.
But I really am a star.