Drunk History (2013) s05e11 Episode Script

The Middle Ages

1 Joan of Arc is like, we are going to just freaking Ugh.
I hate it when people say "freaking.
" God, the Middle Ages.
I'm glad we're not in them.
They sort of are co-ruling in this time.
Temujin and Jamukha they're at odds.
Man, this must be so hard.
Mansa Musa spends so much gold that it has caused inflation.
This is the richest man that has ever walked the Earth, and you've never heard of him.
It sucks, being the king, sometimes.
(Patriotic music) (Trumpet fanfare) Tonight we're drinking old fashioneds.
Do you ever do the orange slices? No.
There's an onion.
Would that be - No, no you don't want to do that.
- Okay.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
To Joan.
To Joan.
(Plucked string music) You don't like it.
No.
(Laughs) Okay.
Okay.
(Clears throat) Hello.
I'm Hillary Anne Matthews, and today, we're going to talk about Joan of Arc.
Our story begins in France, in the year 1412.
The Hundred Years' War is raging in Europe in between France and England.
So Joan of Arc was a peasant girl.
She's 13 years old, she's in a field, but then, all of a sudden, she hears voices.
We have a mission for you.
And she was like (Squeaking) What? (Normally) Who even are you guys? And they were like, I'm St.
Michael, I'm St.
Margaret, and I'm St.
Catherine, and they're like, all we want is for you to go to church and just, like, be cool and chill and obedient.
She's like, that's it? And they're like, yeah, that's it.
The King of France was King Charles VI.
People around him get him to sign a peace treaty that will end the Hundred Years' War.
He has a son, also named Charles Charles of Valois also called "the Dauphin.
" So when his father signed this peace treaty, it was disinheriting him from the throne.
(Dramatic music) Gosh darn it! It's just one little drop.
It's been happening this whole time.
(Chuckles) Okay.
So, Joan is now a 16-year-old girl in a 16 (Fly buzzes) In a 16-year-old world and these voices, they're like, hey, girl, you need to lead France to victory and get Charles Valois crowned as the rightful King of France, and she was like, ha! You guys! That's not what you told me the first time, you guys.
They're like, you need to go to this lord gentleman named Baudricourt.
He's gonna help you get Charles crowned.
Then she runs away from home to Lord Baudricourt.
She arrives, and Joan's like, hello, I am Joan, and I am here because v saints talked to me in my head and it is God's will to have Charles of Valois crowned the rightful King of France.
And Lord Baudricourt is straight-up like, (Spoken as teenage girl) Get this crazy girl back to her home, but like then, what happens is that she gets, kind of like, a following.
People have heard about Joan of Arc, and they are on board.
Lord Baudricourt is like, okay, well, actually, we can work with this, and Joan's like, cut off my hair and dress me in men's clothes so I don't get raped, and he's like, okay.
Because it was really dangerous 'cause she's a woman.
Ugh.
God, the Middle Ages.
I'm glad we're not in them.
Amen.
Too harsh to women, and the breath was bad.
(Chuckles) So they arrive at Chinon, and Charles of Valois is like, um, wait, who's here? And they're like, a 16-year-old girl who hears the voices of saints, and he's like, okay, you know what? Here's what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna put on this big goofy mustache and this big floppy hat and I'm gonna trick her and I'm gonna see if she knows what's up.
And so, he's just, like, (Goofy voice) I'm just a courtier, I'm just a regular old courtier, and she walks in, and she's like (Sighs) You're Charles of Valois.
You are my rightful king.
He's like, wow.
(Claps slowly) Slow clap.
He slow claps her.
Can you believe that he slow claps her? The first slow clap.
Yeah, it was the first slow clap.
And so, he's like, great! Because we want the same thing, which is for me to be King of France.
So Joan was like, okay, dude, give me an army.
I want that army.
Ooh, give me that army! And he's like, okay, guess what? Army bestowed.
(Triumphant music) She sets out with this army to Orleans.
So they get there and they were like, okay, here's what's up.
We have to strategize.
We have to think about this logically.
We have to make plans, and Joan was like, Guess the fuck what? No! We got to just go for it, you guys! Only 'cause God wants us to do it.
And they're like, oh, my gosh, God? Yeah, he's the tops.
We are going to just freaking Ugh.
I hate it when people say "freaking.
" Then say it differently.
So then they just fucking go for it and they are like, attacking and attacking, and attacking the English, and Joan is in the thick of it, and she is not shying away, and then thwup! She gets hit in the shoulder with an arrow.
But here's what's amazing, the English surrender, and they're like, fine! White handkerchief.
White handkerchief.
You do "handkercheef" instead of "handkerchif.
" Yes.
- Hm.
- Handkercheef.
Handkerchief.
Yeah, I do.
Okay.
And everyone's like, we did it! And we did it because Joan of Arc led us to this point! (Triumphant music) Charles of Valois, the Dauphin, is crowned King of France and everyone's like, yay.
(Quietly clapping) (Laughs) Then, Charles of Valois is like, now I want you to go to Paris and take Paris.
She's like, cool, I'll do it! So Joan goes to Paris and she shoots a bunch of arrows Waa! (Makes popping noise) Waa! (Makes popping noise) So in the midst of this battle, Joan is captured, and they're like, we got you! Ooh, did we ever get you! You are marins wen's clo You are wearing men's clothes, and now, girlfriend, that means you got to be burned at the stake, and she's like, Fuck.
Joan of Arc, 19 years old, is put onto a wooden stake, and then, um, they light it on fire.
Phew! And then she starts calling out for her saints, and she's like, St.
Michael, the big kahuna of saints, St.
Michael! St.
Margaret! Okay, St.
Catherine! St.
Catherine, St.
Margaret, St.
Catherine, St.
Michael, St.
Margaret, St.
Catherine! It's like, cricket, cricket, cricket, and everybody's just watching this 19-year-old woman just get burnt alive at the stake.
So then Joan she dies.
The end.
Is it redundant to believe in your own beliefs? I don't care, and neither did Joan.
Here's the thing about 17-year-olds.
At that time, standing in a field, blinking.
At this time, looking at Instagram, blinking.
Joan of Arc, leading an army! (Chuckles) I'm not saying you need to aspire to more, but, like, maybe aspire to more.
Like, maybe lead an army or two or one or two.
(Dramatic tone) (Dramatic music) How do you feel you would be in the Middle Ages? I would be pretty bad, I think.
I don't think I could survive.
I think I have the mind to survive, but I don't think I have the physical body to survive the Middle Ages.
Yeah.
Like, I don't think I could ride a horse or shoot an arrow, or even pick up a heavy sword.
Probably that'd be problem.
But that's how to survive.
- That's everything.
- So don't you think, like, - you would force yourself.
- Maybe I'd figure it out.
You would just have to do it.
(Sighs) Well I don't know, man.
I really I get a lot of delivery.
You do a lot of Postmates? I do a lot of Postmates.
(Stifled laugh) Hi, I'm Shaun Diston, and today, we're gonna be talking about Temujin.
You might not know that name right now, but, ooh, listen listen forward, and you will get to know it a little bit later.
(Laughs) Mm.
So our story begins with a young child whose name is Temujin.
He was born in a mid-level clan in the Mongol tribe, and very early on in Temujin's life, he meets this kid named Jamukha who he grew up with and is like, we live in the same place we're at the same station in life.
Let's be blood brothers.
So they become blood brothers and eventually Temujin and Jamukha both become, like, tribal leaders, and they sort of rise to power from those ashes of poverty that they came out of before, and at age 16, Temujin marries Borte, who he was betrothed to by his father, but very quickly after that, she gets kidnapped by the Merkit tribe.
So Temujin asks Jamukha for help, and he says, hey, I need you because the Merkit have kidnapped my wife, and Jamukha's like, yeah, we're blood brothers, and I'm going to help you get your wife.
(Dramatic music) It takes, like, months and months almost a year and so Temujin gets his wife back, and they're like, here's a belt.
We're brothers.
It's like a friendship belt, and this will last forever.
And, you know, they sort of are co-ruling in this time.
One of the things that made Temujin different from Ongol Oof.
Sorry, hold on.
(Laughs) So one of the things that made Temujin different from other Mongol leaders is he appointed people, uh, through merit, and not just through family bonds, and that started to make his army super-efficient, and it sort of changed the way Mongols ruled, and that started to conflict with Jamukha.
So Temujin and Jamukha at are a at are at odds since then.
They're at odds.
They're at odds.
Okay, so they are on this path to this huge civil war.
Temujin amasses a force of over 20,000 men.
They call it "The Battle of the 13 Sides.
" Temujin's forces and Jamukha's forces clash and they fight and Temujin is victorious, but Jamukha escapes.
He's wandering through the forest and some of his own men find him and they turn him over to Temujin, and Temujin, in finding out that his men betrayed him, he's like, I'm a man of honor, so you guys are gonna die, and he kills the guys who betray Jamukha and him and Jamukha sort of have this moment where he's captured and Jamukha's like, well, Temujin, you've won the war.
You've captured me.
What do you want to do? And he says to Jamukha, or Jamukay, or John Binet.
(Chuckles) You'll figure it out.
(Laughs) He says, hey, we were bro blood brothers.
We were we were blood brothers, and we've had this war, but I want to renew our blood bro'ur ou Phew.
Man, this must be so hard.
(Chortles) So he says, I want to renew our blood brother pact, and Jamukha says no, as there is only room for one sun in the sky, there is only room for one Mongol ruler, and Jamukha says, I will die, and requests an honorable death.
An honorable death here means that no blood would be spilled.
So Temujin ordered his men, hey, this is my blood brother, but he's still my guy.
I want you to break his back.
And it was bittersweet, because he had just defeated the final rival, but it was his blood brother, who he considered his real brother, and Temujin buries Jamukha with that golden belt, in a show of, like, yes, you were a a huge, like, dick, but you were still my blood brother.
Shortly after that, Temujin calls something called a a kurultai, which is, like, the way they vote on who's going to be the leader.
Temujin is greeted with thousands of followers.
They all decided to vote him as Chenghis Khan.
"Chenghis.
" Chenghis Khan.
We call it Genghis Khan, I think, just 'cause we're, like, whatever.
We want to pronounce it however we want.
And it was kind of like a "Lion King" moment, where it was like, thousands of people are watching this person ascend into the sunlight.
And that is when he cemented himself as the universal leader of the Mongols.
This is the origin story of one of the most powerful leaders in history, and the entire story started when he killed his blood brother.
Chenghis Khan went on to conquer the largest land empire in history so it's pretty crazy.
He murdered millions of people, and it was just like, I guess I'm the ruler now.
Yeah, what's it worth? What what is it worth? You got a lot of violence in the back of that brain.
All I'm thinking about is murder.
It's pretty crazy.
Hey, you're watching "Drunk History" on Comedy Central.
I'm too drunk.
(Dramatic tone) (Dramatic tone) So I'm making a drink called dawa.
It's Swahili for "medicine.
" It's a little sweet.
So we got a little honey, a little vodka, a little lime juice.
Cheers to the Middle Ages, and thank God we don't have to live through that shit.
Yeah.
Times are tough, but not Middle Age tough.
Uh-uh.
Not Middle Ages tough.
Let me get a drink real quick.
Okay.
(Chuckles) Hello.
I'm Daryl Johnson, and today you're going to learn about Mansa Musa, the richest person to have ever walked the Earth.
A black man.
Ding.
So our story begins in Western Africa.
Mansa Musa inherits the whole Malian Empire, and he's like, well damn, I'm a boss.
I don't know if they knew what bosses were back then, but I would assume he knew what a boss was.
(Laughter) This guy's estimated net worth, 580 billion dollars.
#DaBoss So Mansa was like, look, I have all this wealth, but what I really want to do I want to make a pilgrimage to Mecca, 'cause that is the highest level of my religion.
Uh, so his advisor's like, oh, yeah, great, we'll get it ready, and he was like, wait, hold up.
I don't want you to think that this is a regular, basic pilgrimage to Mecca.
We on that new-new, and I gotta have, like, 60,000 people, and I want 80 camels and every camel to have 200 pounds of gold on it.
And so, in 1324, Mansa Musa embarks on his pilgrimage to Mecca.
Mansa Musa and his caravan, The Mansa Musa and the Mussolinis No.
(Laughs) I'm down with that.
Now, during his trek, Mansa Musa arrives in Cairo.
This man shows up to a town that had a couple hundred thousand people already there, and they see this man show up with, like, 60,000 people, and they're like, hey, man, welcome to Cairo.
Uh, where where all y'all gonna stay? The only bed and breakfast only got two bed.
And Mansa Musa's like, look, man, I got my own tents, my own crew, we good.
We're just gonna set up on the outskirts of town, we're gonna do a little shopping, we're gonna hang, and they was like, cool, come on in, Mansa.
We got you.
And at the time, uh, the l the whoo.
Okay.
Let me just take a breath for a second.
You take a breath.
How many drinks have I had? Huh, wait.
Okay, so he's summoned by the sultan, al-Malik al-Nasir, and then Mansa Musa shows up and he's like, hey, look, I'm gonna bow, but I'm not bowing to you.
I'm bowing to Allah.
So the sultan was like, oh, I'm impressed by this man's piousness, and the sultan was like, you know what, Mansa? Come on in.
I got some gifts for you.
Here.
I got these two golden sheep, and some geese, and here's 15 gold bars and some gold coins, and Mansa Musa was like, uh, yeah, that's cool, man.
Hey.
Put that in the truck.
Oh.
No, they had no trucks.
Wait.
Hey, man, put that in the camel.
So Mansa goes shopping, uh, in the markets, and he spent so much gold in the town that it has caused inflation.
That's how rich he was.
I mean, this is crazy.
The currency has been devalued.
So now, uh, word has gotten back to Sultan al-Nasir.
He was like, damn that Mansa Musa! He has come here and ruined the economy of my country.
I'ma find that bastard.
Where he at? Somebody find Mansa Musa for me.
I don't know why my voice just got this high.
(Laughs) But Mansa Musa has already gone to Mecca, and he has prayed.
He was like, ah, this is great.
I have gone to Mecca with the largest caravan of people you will ever hear about.
They're gonna be talking about me forever.
Wrong.
Ain't nobody told us about Mansa Musa.
(Laughter) (Belches) (Dramatic tone) (Dramatic music) All hail King Daryl, da boss.
On your way.
Bring me grapes! It sucks, being the king, sometimes.
No one's worthy of your presence.
(Laughter) Okay.
So, on the way back, he stops in Cairo again, only to find out that the sultan is angry, and Mansa Musa was like, look, I kinda thought this might happen, but I have a solution.
I'm going to buy back all of your currency at a high interest rate and stabilize your market.
The sultan was like, man, that's actually a good plan.
I think it'll work.
So Mansa Musa has stabilized the economy of Cairo, and they hopped back on their camel and they head on home.
They had a party, they built schools, they built mosques.
So now, rumors have spread all throughout the globe that there is this rich king who is making a 4,000-mile trek across the continent of Africa with 60,000 people and all this gold.
And that's how Mansa Musa ended up on medieval maps.
There's a picture of a man holding, like, a gold nugget, and that is Mansa Musa.
This is the richest man that has ever walked the Earth, and you've never heard of him.
I mean, this is great information for little brown kids to hear stories about how we weren't just slaves.
There were things that we were great at, other things that we did that were beneficial to the world.
Like, what? Africa? Rich people? Man, get out of here.
They're all wearing, like, tiger skins and shit, and I be like, man, shut up.
(Laughs) One, two, three, four Mansa Musa's my king unh Mansa Musa's the king we got money, unh, Women, unh Camels, yup We in the desert like whoa Is that crazy? Mm-hm.
- Yeah.
- (Both laugh) (Patriotic music)