Drunk History (2013) s06e05 Episode Script


1 Our love is too grand for East Berlin.
Why don't we build a fucking tunnel underneath the Berlin Wall? [LAUGHS] Elizabeth says, I'm actually a trans woman.
John says, I'm gonna get that money for her.
I'm gonna rob a bank.
I'm robbing a bank.
I feel wasted.
And Edie says, if my love isn't real, no fucking love is real.
I feel like I could puke tonight.
Let's do it.
- Cheers! If you don't believe in love, then you might as well fucking die.
[BOTH LAUGH] Hello, my name is Anais Fairweather, and tonight I'm gonna tell you the beautiful story of the Tunnel of Love.
This story takes place in Germany, December, 1961, between two young lovebirds, Joachim Neumann and Christa Gruhle.
They're like, [KISSING SOUNDS], I love you, I love you, I love you.
The only problem is they are stuck in East Berlin.
It's bleak as fuck there.
They see the wall and he's like, we have the fucking Berlin Wall.
Like, our love is too grand for East Berlin.
So Joachim is like, okay listen.
We've got to get over to the west side, you know? West side! [LAUGHS] Okay, so Joachim's like, I have these two passports.
And she's like, sounds great.
So they get to the checkpoint and they're like, okay, we're gonna fucking do this, okay? So the checkpoint people are like, let him through.
Totally fucking worked.
Christa tries to get through and, like, all these Stasi, like, secret German police cars pull up, and they, like, run after her and they grab her, and they're like, this is a fake passport! And then she's like, fuck, you know? And they grab her and they rip her away, and Christa's like, Joachim! And Joachim's like, Christa! And he's like, I gotta go.
I love you.
I will fucking find you.
I promise you.
And she's like, fuckin' A, dude.
That's really spilling.
Oh, whoopses.
[SNORTS] So he enrolls in this local university, and he becomes an engineering student.
And he's like, listen, I need to get to the love of my life, and other engineering students are like, I have people in East Berlin that I love.
So Joachim's like, listen, the fucking Berlin Wall is not just one wall.
It's in fact two seven-foot-plus walls with barbed wire at the top and a death zone in between that if you try and pass guards will shoot you dead.
So why don't we build a fucking tunnel that's gonna go from West Berlin underneath the wall to East Berlin, and they're gonna be able to get through this tunnel.
And everyone's like, yeah! fuck yeah! So they all put, like, their hands in the middle, and they're like, one, two, three, Tunnel of Love, you know? They start building the tunnel in an abandoned bakery, and they're like, I'm gonna put a rafter here.
I'm gonna build a wall here.
I'm gonna fucking scoop some dirt here.
And they're building this tunnel, and they're, like, shoving dirt in buckets.
I'm trying to explain.
I'm terrible at this.
They finally pop up on the East Berlin side.
Joachim looks out and he sees Christa in the distance.
Joachim's like, Christa! And she's like, Joachim! All of a sudden, the motherfucking Stasi come in, and they're like, ha ha! We got you! We're taking her! Christa was like, fuck you, dude! She's fucking put in jail.
[LAUGHS] I sound so drunk.
The Stasi secret police fucking found out about this tunnel, so Joachim's like, please, everybody, we've got to build another tunnel.
And everyone's like, fuck yeah! So they start building this other tunnel.
They're like [GRUNTING].
They're digging, they're filling up buckets of dust.
[LAUGHS] dust.
And they're like, scooping, scooping dirt, taking buckets of dirt, taking buckets of dirt.
They pop out in a motherfucking outhouse.
Pee-yew! And people are like, dude, Joachim, I don't know if you've heard, but Christa's still in jail.
And Joachim, like, turns around with, like, dirt on his face and he's like, fuckin' A, dude! And everyone's like, listen, Joachim.
We gotta get to our loves.
And he's like, okay, you're right.
I'm gonna help you and the loves of your life.
[BOTH LAUGH] Oh, my God! It sucks.
So on October 3, 1964, they start escorting all their family members through the tunnel, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.
And even though Christa is not there 'cause she's still in jail, Joachim is trying to help as much as he can.
And the last person goes through and he's like, okay, about to go.
Oh, I hate it.
Gonna go.
And he's about to duck under, and all of a sudden he hears, Joachim! And he turns his little fucking German head, and Christa's running towards him.
She got out of fucking jail early.
And she's like, Joachim, I love you.
And Joachim is like, Christa, I love you so fucking much! And they're about to kiss so fucking hard.
But then the stupid Stasi come in, they're like, fuck you! Joachim shoves Christa through the tunnel.
And Joachim and Christa, like, climb as fast as they can to safety, and the fucking Stasi are like, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew! And Joachim is like, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go.
And he pushes her butt, like, through this tunnel.
And when they pop up their heads on the west side of Berlin, they know that they are safe.
And they are like, let's get married.
And they get married.
And the fucking tunnel that he built became known as Tunnel 57, because 57 East Berliners were brought to freedom from this tunnel.
It was the greatest escape in the history of the Berlin Wall.
And they sat together in 1989 when the wall finally came tumbling down, and they held hands and they kissed and they're like, this fucking wall that was built to keep us apart is finally tumbling down.
Every single person who fought for love, fought for the absolute right thing.
When I said "fought," it sounded like, "fart.
" No, you gotta fart for love.
[LAUGHS] We've known each other for a long time.
A long time, like 18 years.
- That's crazy.
- Exactly 18 years.
That's like yeah, exactly 18 years.
Love is a very important thing.
Hello, I'm Drew Dro Hello, I'm Drew Droege, and today we are discussing "Dog Day Afternoon," the real story.
Ruff, ruff.
Ruff, ruff.
[BOTH LAUGH] It's 1971 and there's this guy named John Wojtowicz.
He's a man about town, he's like, I'm the shit.
He's at the Feast of San Gennaro in Little Italy, and he meets this person named Elizabeth, and they're like, hey.
And they're like, hey, we're at the Feast of San Gennaro in Little Italy.
Let's have cannoli and ziti and let's live life.
So John and Elizabeth are in love with each other, but Elizabeth says, I'm actually a trans woman.
And John is like, I'm cool with that.
That's wonderful.
That makes sense.
So they got married in an unofficial ceremony in The Village.
They're like, I'm in love with you.
Oh, my God, I'm in love with you.
And Elizabeth's like, I need sexual reas She's like, I need sexual reassignment surgery.
This costs $3,000.
And John says, we don't have $3,000.
In 2019, this drink costs $3,000.
Yeah, let's drink it.
So Elizabeth slips into a deep depression, and she goes into a mental hospital, and she's removed from John, and he misses her, and he says, I want my wife.
I want the love of my life.
I'm gonna give her a sexual reassignment surgery.
I'm gonna get that money for her.
I'm gonna rob a bank.
I'm robbing a bank.
[LAUGHS] So John recruits Salvatore Naturale and Robert Westenberg, and then they go see "The Godfather," and "The Godfather" obviously was starring Al Pacino and John Cazale.
"The Godfather" got them going.
They're like, let's let's be criminals like like the Corleones.
They realized, like, we're gonna need some guns.
So they get the guns together.
The first bank they go to is on the Lower East Side.
They get to the bank.
They drop a shotgun.
It goes off.
Ka-boosh! They're like, guys, everything's fine.
We just dropped a shotgun.
It blew up.
We're people.
Let's just be people.
But we gotta go to another bank.
The next one's in Queens.
They get out of the car, they immediately run into their moms' best friend, who's like, Salvatore, what's going on? How are you? John, nice to see you.
What are you two boys doing together? And then they were thinking, oh, my God, it's our mothers' best friend.
We gotta get outta here.
That's from "Grease.
" [LAUGHS] They finally get to the Chase Manhattan in Brooklyn, but Robert Westenberg sees a cop car outside and gets spooked and he leaves.
So it's just John and Sal that go into the bank.
And they go in.
John yells, freeze.
This is a holdup.
I'm not alone.
They pass the teller a note that says, put all your money in a bag or we're gonna start shooting people.
This is an offer you can't refuse.
And John's like, it's from "The Godfather.
" It's our favorite movie.
John and Sal, they're about to leave when a bunch of cop cars pull up.
John was like, you know what? We're gonna lea we're gonna keep everybody in this bank hostage.
This leads to a 14-hour hostage standoff.
They're fumbling, bumbling.
The tellers are just freaking out.
They're not hardened criminals.
They don't really know what they're doing.
Elizabeth asks John to stand down.
Ultimately Sal was killed, and they arrest John.
So if you've seen the movie, this is where it ends.
But there's more to this story.
So John goes to prison and he's like, ugh, I went through all this, and still my wife can't get what she needs.
But a year later, Hollywood producers come into his jail cell, and he's like, who the fuck are you guys? What's going on here? And they're like, we are Hollywood producers.
We have a Hollywood movie we would like to make about you.
We're gonna give you 75 $7,500 and a 1% profit share for your story.
And he's like, it's enough money for Elizabeth's sex change, and that's the whole reason I got into this.
I feel wasted.
Anyway, in 1975, Sidney Lumet directs "Dog Day Afternoon.
" It makes $46 million.
It gets six Oscar nominations and wins for Best Original Screenplay, and it stars Al Pacino and John Cazale.
In prison, he gets the nickname The Dog.
[BARKS] Um [CHUCKLES] [LAUGHS] Elizabeth visits him once a month.
Elizabeth gets her sex change.
She was like, honey, I love you, and thank you.
John is in prison for six years.
John gets out of prison, and he eventually sees "Dog Day Afternoon," and he's like, holy shit.
This is Al Pacino playing me and John Cazale is playing Sal.
These are the people that I watched in "The Godfather" playing me in the movie.
How crazy is that? So John and Elizabeth eventually separate after a while, but they remain friends.
It's ultimately a story about an individual who sacrificed everything that he was to help someone else.
Love you, Drew.
Love you too, Derek.
- Toujours l'amour.
Is that "Dog Day Afternoon" in Spanish? French.
[LAUGHS] - I love you.
- I love you too, Derek.
- Cheers.
Yay! - Cheers, yay! - This is good.
- Do you think burps are rude? - 'Cause I'm gonna burp a lot.
- No! Do you think farts are rude? They're natural, but they're not my favorite.
I'd rather "barp.
" Burp.
[LAUGHS] - Burp.
- Barp.
What do you think a barp is? Is it a fart that sounds like a burp or a burp that smells like shit? - That's it.
- [BELCHES] - Barp? - I mean, you tell me.
You've gotta smell it.
A classic burp.
[CHUCKLES] My name's Alison Rich.
Today we're gonna be talking about Edie Windsor and the end of DOMA, the Defense of Marriage Act.
Cheers, come on.
- Cheers! - I feel like I could puke tonight.
You know what? Let's do it.
Tonight's the night to puke.
Yeah, let's just get it all out of us.
So the year is 1950.
The place is the United States of A.
At this point in history, it's not even legal to dance closely to a person of the same sex.
So Edie Windsor was a young lesbian.
She's like, oh, I gotta keep my personal life private, because this is the past, and the past is closed-minded.
So then [CHUCKLES] I'm talking about gay stuff.
[LAUGHTER] So then Edie is in Greenwich Village, and she notices a beautiful, leggy brunette.
She goes, hey.
[CHUCKLES] Are you can I dance with you? The woman goes, hello, my name is Thea Spyer, and yes.
That's a great name.
We've got Edie Windsor and Thea Spyer.
- Two, like, cool lesbian names.
- Yeah.
You know, and then Edie goes, is your dance card full? Which is an old-timey way of being like, you single? And she goes, it is now, meaning, I'm ready to bump clams.
[LAUGHTER] Is that I don't know if that's offensive.
A clam, no, they have pearls in them.
- Yes.
- Pussy pearls.
Pussy pearls.
So then they date and they fall in love.
But then on June 28, 1969, she encounters the Stonewall riots, where gay people were being out and proud about who they were amid this police raid at the Stonewall Inn.
So she goes home and she's like, Thea, there's a big riot at Stonewall about gay rights.
Maybe this is the moment that we should come out and and tell the world who we really are.
So she's like, hmm, I don't know.
That's really risky.
Maybe not.
So Edie and Thea are like, you know what, we're not revolutionaries.
We're just two ladies, we're in love and like to dance, and we're gonna be private about it.
And they do that for the next 30 years.
That's a long time.
And the thing that they really bonded over was dancing.
In any situation, their bodies could always connect, through dance.
And it's about 2007 now, and Thea was in a wheelchair with M.
Thea was like, I want to get married.
By this time, Canada had made gay marriage legal.
So Thea and Edie go to Toronto, and they get married in front of six buddies.
They exchange rings, and Edie and Thea are like, whoa, this feels different.
To truly be married, like, there's a tangible difference.
This is not bullshit.
That's very sweet to be like, I'm to flaunt the laws.
Fuck those laws.
So in 2009, Thea dies, and Edie is there in the hospital, and she's like, you know what? I had a good life, we had a beautiful love.
What more could I ask for? And then, knock, knock, knock.
The U.
government says, hey, so you're friend Thea left you a bunch of property, money, assets, and we don't recognize that 'cause you're two ladies.
It's not like you were married, so we're gonna tax you on the order of $1/2 million.
And Edie goes, bitch, you know we were married, and this is discrimi-fucking-nation.
I'm gonna call a bunch of lawyers.
I'm gonna call a bunch of gay rights activists.
Um, so then she says, excuse me, I was in a relationship with this woman for forever.
We got married in Toronto.
This is legit.
They're not recognizing the marriage and they're trying to tax the shit outta me.
And the lawyers and activists are like, yeah, that's DOMA, you know? Since 1996, this law was enacted that says on a federal level a marriage is between a man and a woman, and it's just un indefeatable undefeatable? In ? You can't do it.
But then Edie calls Roberta "Robbie" Kaplan.
Is her name Roberta "Robbie" Kaplan? - Her fun name is Robbie.
- Oh.
Her name is Roberta Kaplan, and this woman goes, you know what, I'll take you on.
You are what marriage is about.
You two were married for decades, through sickness and in health.
You're a sweet old woman.
You're the perfect example of what gay marriage can be.
- So Roberta and Edie - Mm-hmm.
Sue the federal government, and it goes all the way to the Supreme Court, and Edie goes before them and says, if my love isn't real, no fucking love is real.
We were together for so long.
Our love deserves to be recognized.
- Wow.
- [LAUGHS] [LAUGHTER] It's actually very classy.
[LAUGHTER] So on June 26, 2013, Edie and her supporters gather around a computer, pops up on the screen.
"DOMA is unconstitutional.
Five to four.
" And everyone's like, whoo! Ooh-ooh! [CHEERING] If I cheer too hard, I'm gonna pee my pants.
So she goes back to Stonewall in Greenwich Village, and crowds were gathered and they went, Edie! Edie! Edie! And Edie thought to herself, wow, years ago when I walked past here during the Stonewall riots, me and Thea thought, we're not revolutionaries, but here we are years later, and we are the revolutionaries.
We're the face of what gay marriage can be.
And Edie dances one last dance in the name of the love of her life: Thea.
- To Thea.
- To Thea.
- And Edie.
- And Edie.
- Whoa! - It's beautiful.
That's amazing.
Thanks to this one brave woman and her belief in the equality of her love, gay marriage became legal.
Do you think in memory of them that you and I should dance? We should dance so close.
Well, can I give you a quick peck? - [CHUCKLES] - I promise.
- One - BOTH: Two, three.
- Mwah.
- BOTH: Aww.