Drunk History (2013) s06e16 Episode Script

Bad Blood

Typhoid Mary was making all the rich people sick.
The health inspector says, Mary, are you washing your hands after you take a shit? Be honest.
[blows raspberry] - [laughs] - That's disgusting.
Cleopatra is Queen of Egypt.
But Arsinoe is like, My sister's not the fucking queen.
She's just some bitch on the throne.
[spills drink] - Oh, my God! - [laughs] [patriotic music] We had a record cold and flu season here in America this year, but I didn't get sick.
- Not even a sneeze.
- Not one sneeze.
A record cold and flu season.
You know why? Washing my hands, and I stopped touching my face.
- Really? - I'm telling you.
[sniffs] I'm healthy, baby.
- You just sniffed.
- [sniffs] I'm just taking in the aroma.
Taking in the aroma of the drink.
- Cheers to being perfect.
- Yes.
[coughs] Hello, I'm Jackie Johnson, and today, we will be discussing Typhoid Mary.
[laughs] Let's travel back to 1900.
New York City.
Immigrants were just flooding in from all over the world to start their new life in America.
And then we see one angel face, and she says, I'm Mary Mallon.
I am Irish, I'm proud, and I'm here to cook, baby.
So, um, Mary's signature dish was vanilla ice cream with sliced peaches.
The rich people would call up their friends and say, honey, have you had Mary Mallon's peach vanilla ice cream? It is the best friggin' dessert that I have had! And that's how she got around, word of mouth.
Old-school marketing.
So what is it? Oyster Bay.
Oyster Bay is like the Beverly Hills of the time.
Teddy Roosevelt's there.
That's where he summers.
Charles Warren is there.
He is the banker to all the rich people, including the Vanderbilts.
So what happens to his family? They all of a sudden get sick, and they say, we're rich.
We don't have to deal with disease.
Doctor George Soper rolls up.
His job is whatever a sanitation engineer is.
Doctor Soper says, well, honey, I'll be honest.
Everybody in your family has typhoid fever.
Charles says, what? What does that mean? Ty typhoid? And and Dr.
Soper says, You could hemorrhage from the inside! People die from this! This is 1900.
We don't have pills.
We don't have, uh what we don't have [stammering] What's it called? What's that pill that solves everything? Antibiotics! We didn't have that, okay? There's no antibiotics.
Okay? [laughs] [Derek laughing] So, Charles Warren says, Here's a bunch of money.
Hunt down the source and kill it off.
Doctor Soper gets to business.
He goes through the plumbing.
He interviews the local fishmonger.
He's trying to find the typhoid and finding dead ends everywhere he goes.
But then, all of a sudden, he gets a call from Manhattan.
There's a wealthy family who just came down with typhoid.
The little girl is very sick.
She has her covers up to her face.
She says, Daddy, I'm cold.
I'm very cold, Daddy! So Soper rolls up and interviews the family.
He realizes they just had a new chef.
He says, wait a minute.
Who is the chef? And he said, well, she was a delightful Irish immigrant named Mary Mallon.
And Soper says, Wait a damn minute! That's the same woman who was cookin' for the family at Oyster Bay! And he says, I think we're onto something, baby.
I think I'm onto something.
[laughs] So anyway, Soper rolls up to Mary's house.
He says, excuse me, ma'am.
I'm pretty sure you have typhoid fever, and I'm pretty sure you're giving it to everybody that you're cooking for.
And she says, excuse me? I am an Irish immigrant woman trying to make it in 1900 New York.
How dare you accuse me of being unsanitary? Then she chases him out with a fork and says, If you ever come back, if you ever try to fuck with my money again, I will take you out! So, he has to get more evidence.
He sits down at his desk.
There are papers everywhere, and he says, Oh, my God.
Eight families Mary Mallon has cooked for seven of them have contracted typhoid? That's not a coincidence.
That's not.
That is fact, honey.
[blows raspberry] I spit everywhere.
[laughs] It happens.
You know what else happens? - Hmm? - Shit.
I'm just making sure these hairs are good.
You look good.
You remember where you are? We'll see, 'cause, you know, the brain's fading, I'll be honest, the brain is going out.
I love that you're always honest.
Okay, so we are pissed at this point.
The health inspector and Dr.
Soper roll up to Mary's.
They bust open the door, and they said, [singsongy] Mary! We have unequivocable proof that you're spreading typhoid all over this damn city.
What is the deal? She says, honey, you're making shit up.
I'm fine.
And they say, Mary, are you washing your hands after you take a shit? Be honest.
She says, if I'm being honest, no, I don't wash my hands thoroughly every time I take a dump.
I'm a busy woman.
I'm trying to get dessert made.
I'm trying to get the appetizers done.
So sometimes, I gotta take a shit while I'm at work.
I hurry up, I wipe, and I get back in that kitchen, okay? Time is money, and I'm trying to make my damn money.
[Derek laughs] They said, you're making rich people sick.
That's unacceptable.
So they grab her by her shit-infested wrists, and they ship her off to North Brother Island, which is where they quarantine people with diseases.
Mary Mallon sits on the damn island alone with her dog for three years.
Meanwhile, they test her sweat, her spit, her [chuckles] I was gonna say her jizz.
Her eye juice.
They did over a hundred tests, and they all tested positive for typhoid fever.
Yet, she showed no symptoms.
Finally, the health inspector says, Listen, Mary, I'll level with you, okay? We want you to get out of here, but you gotta wash your damn hands, and you gotta promise that you're not gonna cook.
She says Fine.
And they say, okay.
Pinky-swear, Mary? She says, pinky-swear, health inspector.
With shit-covered hands? [laughs] - That's disgusting.
- [chuckles] So, she peaces out of the island.
Everything's fine.
New York is flourishing.
Five years later, in 1915, there is a typhoid outbreak at Sloane Maternity Hospital.
Two people died at the hospital two so Soper rolls up to the hospital.
A nurse who's very sick says, We're clean.
We're a hospital.
We're not idiots.
We know how to not get typhoid, yet we all got it! What's happening? He says, Wait a minute.
Who's the cook here, baby? Who's the cook? Well, it's this delightful Irish woman named Mary Brown! Mm-mm.
Who's in the damn kitchen of the hospital, Derek? Take a wild guess.
[laughs] George storms into the kitchen! He busts open the damn door with his foot, as a power move.
He says, I see you, Mary Mallon! I see you! I see you.
And I smell you.
I caught you fecal-matter-handed, baby.
I caught you fecal-matter-handed.
So they took her back to North Brother Island.
Twenty-three years, she sat in quarantine, and in 19 oh, shit.
My pillow.
Hold on.
Let me put my pillow back, 'cause I love a good throw moment.
I love a good fucking accent pillow.
In 1938, Mary dies.
The minute her body [snaps fingers] Hit the ground, they sliced her open, pulled out that gallbladder.
What did they see? [snaps fingers] Live typhoid virus.
Doctor Soper was like, I knew it, bitch! I knew it! What have I been saying? What have I been saying? An asymptomatic carrier of typhoid has been living among us for years.
This is crazy! But you know what? It's America, baby.
The land of crazy, and the land of opportunity.
- [laughs] - Okay? The medical journals all start calling her Typhoid Mary.
So she is considered to be the first asymptomatic case of typhoid fever in the history of the planet.
How insane is that? Honestly.
If you could tell Mary one thing right now I would tell Mary, make your money, make your ice cream, make a career and a life for yourself, but honey, wash your fucking hands.
[laughs] It's like a fun lemonade.
[carefree acoustic strumming] Ew.
[laughs] You don't like it? Mm-mm.
You don't either.
You're trying to.
- I am.
- I saw your face.
I'm like this was a bad idea.
But look, we're still drink we're like We keep drinking 'cause it's like, well, maybe it gets better.
Do you want a new one? - Yes.
- Cheers.
- We drank most of this.
- We had to.
Oh, and the lower you get, it - It's disgusting.
- That's nasty.
So, hello.
My name is Lyric Lewis.
And tonight, we are discussing the other queen of Egypt.
- Mm? - Oh, yes.
The queen that was scheming, thieving, thriving, and surviving off of stealing her way from the bottom to the what? To the top.
The other queen of Egypt.
So our story begins in 51 BC.
We're in Alexandria, the capital of Egypt, and Cleopatra has just turned 18.
She's like, Cleopatra's coming at ya.
She's fresh, she's young, she's supple.
She's like, I'm looking fabulous, I'm fly, and she marries her brother, Ptolemy.
- I'm sorry, marries? - Yes.
It wasn't weird for them.
They were like, we gonna be blood on blood on blood, snacks on snacks on snacks, chicken racks on racks on racks.
So now she's queen.
But their little sister, Arsinoe, she's, like, super butt-hurt about it.
Like, she's like, yo, I know that I'm 11, but really? I can't be motherfucking queen? Nobody asked me if y'all could get married.
So boo to that.
Boo to that.
She's a sneaky, thieving-ass, thriving tween.
And she had a eunuch that was just, like, her homeboy.
Ganymedes was in the shadows at all times.
Like, you would only see, like, a sliver of his face come out the corner, and he'd be like, Dawgs, that's what we do in Egypt.
- Dawgs? - Dawgs.
So, now, at this point, Julius Caesar is kicking ass, taking fucking names all over the Mediterranean.
Like, Julius Caesar's like, What's poppin'? I fuck with whatever.
Get over it.
Cleopatra's into that.
Like, she's like, I'm feelin' this.
And so she's like, Hey, Ptolemy, husband, brother, we should, like, link up with Rome, hardcore, parkour.
Like, Cleopatra's like, Yo, we should fuck with Rome, hard as fuck.
She's like, Rome is fuckable.
Ptolemy is like, I'm not feeling this.
We're not gonna link up with Rome.
That's it.
Cleopatra is, like, very upset, right? But Arsinoe is ear-hustlin' all throughout the castle.
She goes to her brother, Ptolemy.
She's like, Yo, I know I'm 11, but peep this.
I'm not fucking with Julius Caesar either.
I don't think Egypt should link up.
And matter of fact, you should check yo' wife because she's trying to like, she's not even listening to you, dude.
Like, she's like, You the husband, and she not listenin', right? So Ptolemy goes to Cleopatra, and he's like, Yo, Arsinoe came to me and told me she not fucking with it.
She put some wisdom in my head, told me I shouldn't fuck with it, so we not gonna do it.
And, not only that, I'm gonna banish you from Alexandria.
So Cleopatra's like, Escoose me? Like, you gonna come for my like what? So Cleopatra now was pissed that Arsinoe came for her throne.
She is set on getting revenge on her little sister.
So mmm.
Cleopatra's banished.
And so Arsinoe's like, I'm cute now, bitch.
I'm Queen of Egypt.
Just so happens, at the same time, Julius Caesar happens to make a trip to Alexandria.
And he was like, What's poppin', Egypt? [suspenseful music] So Cleopatra said to herself, she was like, self, I can either arrange a regular meeting with this man or I can get him the Egyptian way.
So she crept in his room in the middle of the night and gives him the Egyptian business right there in that hotel room.
- Mm.
- Mm-hmm.
Now, that's a pyramid scheme.
She was like, Oh, you gonna be reading from the Book of the Dead after this, 'cause you gonna be, what? Dead and gone.
- Fuck like an Egyptian.
- [chuckles] He was like, well, this is some new shit.
Like, he was like, girl, what is you doing to my body? She's like, Just some Egyptian shit.
Don't worry about none of that.
That's what's happening to your whole body right now, right? He, like, fell for her, after that one fucking night.
And so Cleopatra was like, I know we just met, and I gave you the business immediately my bad however, my brother, Ptolemy, banished me because why? 'Cause I wanted to fuck with you, and I need help to get my throne back.
And Caesar was like, Say no more, girl.
You put that Egyptian ass on me.
It's a done deal.
Let's go invade some shit, yes? And she's like, yes, bitch, go get my throne back.
So, Julius Caesar invades Alexandria, right? And, like, it's, like, a whole bunch of Romans and shit, and Ptolemy gets captured as a political prisoner, but then Arsinoe narrowly escapes the palace with her eunuch.
Ganymedes goes, Yo, they invaded the castle.
Let's do this, bitch.
So they escape from Alexandria, right? They go to the rebel Egyptian army.
And the leader of that army is Ach Ach Achillas.
By the way, which, also, Achillas to me, just sounds succulent, you know what I mean? He sounds like a succulent man, but Does he need water? [laughs] Sh sure.
[laughs] But anyways, Achillas, he's like, Damn, that's a little-ass girl.
And she's like, Hey, I might be 11 1/2 to 12 years old, but I'm fucking fierce.
We need to reinvade Alexandria, take back my throne, because, yo, I'm the true queen of Egypt, okay, my sister's not the fucking queen.
She's just some bitch on the throne.
Achillas is like, no, bitch.
We don't know you like that, first of all.
Second of all, you're mad young.
He's like, you're 11.
5 to 12 years old.
[Derek laughs] He goes, we not here for this motherfucker.
Like, good night.
So then this little shit now, granted, Arsinoe, I told you, is off the chain, 'cause she's like, oh, no? Oh, no, you not gon' fuck with me? So then Arsinoe turns to Ganymedes and goes, Yo, fucking kill this little fuck.
And he did.
He killed him in some great Egyptian fashion.
And he assassinates him in cold blood.
It's crazy.
Ganymedes goes, Yo, she told me to kill him.
I killed him.
Don't worry about it.
And Ganymedes says to all of us, Don't worry about it.
Don't ask him about it.
So we don't.
- [laughs] - And he's dead.
So then, um I forget her name I remembered it the past two hours.
Arsinoe? I've never done this story [mumbles indistinctly] I'm very embarrassed.
[laughs] High five.
[mumbles indistinctly] - [blows] I am drunk.
- Do you feel okay? I feel great, I just feel drunk.
I feel like you can't understand what I'm saying.
- We can.
- Yeah? All right.
Arsinoe takes the army and goes back to Alexandria, and she's like, I'm gonna take this fucking shit over.
And Julius Caesar's like, bitch, no, you're not, bitch.
She's like, yes, I am, bitch.
So she forced him to flee.
She runs him into the Light Tower of the Pharos, which is the seventh wonder of the world.
And so Caesar's pissed at this point, because he's like, I'm fucking Julius Caesar.
Like, he's like, I conquered the Mediterranean, and this girl is about to, like, run me what? What is this? She's 11 1/2 or 12! He's mad.
Like, he's surrounded by the army and the sea.
He has literally no way out.
So he's like, fuck, like, either I'm gonna go out there and get killed as fuck, or I'm gonna jump out this window and be drowned as fuck and hopefully swim and live.
He sheds himself of his armor and his purple cloak.
Purple cloak is, like, how, like, in Greece, people know it is Julius Caesar.
And he jumps and splashes into the water.
Arsinoe comes up, takes his cloak, and, like, waves his cloak as, like, a victory flag.
Like, yes, bitch! Caesar finds the boat that is waiting for him, and he's like, damn, she's very buck.
She knucks if she bucks all the time.
So then Ptolemy meets with Caesar, and he's like, I'll make a deal with you.
My little sister's wiling out.
She's very ratchet.
I will give you her if you give me my freedom.
Caesar's like, all right, dude, I'll take it.
With a sneaky look on his face, right? - Mm-hmm.
- So then Ptolemy goes to Arsinoe, and he's like, Hey, girl, hey, and she's like, Ptolemy, like [clicks tongue] Yo.
And then Caesar's like, Ah! Arsinoe's captured, right? And Caesar's like, psych! Romans, kill him.
So he's like, Oh, this motherfucker right here.
What a bad friend.
Then he runs to the Nile River and he drowns, so he dies anyway.
[laughs] Oh, so then, Caesar has Arsinoe.
He's so fucking happy because she has embarrassed him and that's how fragile his male ego was.
Cleopatra's mad, but she's like, yo [exhales noisily] She's like, yo.
Like, she's like, yo.
Take her little ass to Rome.
I'm done.
So Caesar tries to bring Arsinoe through Rome and the Colosseum.
His plan is to fucking strangle her, and Rome is like, we're not fucking with you fucking with this little girl.
And Caesar's like, I want to strangle the fuck out of her in the middle of the street.
Everybody in the Colosseum was like, you're whack.
You're whack.
And so Caesar is like, Fine, just get the fuck out of my face.
So Caesar, being embarrassed, sends her to Artemi A-Artemis' temple.
Spends her life life as a priestess.
So, we fast-forward to 41 BC.
Cleopatra's still mad.
She thinks that her sister will get revenge on her, so then Cleopatra - [laughs] - Says she sends assassins, and she's like, yo.
Go kill my little sister that is, like, 21.
And the assassins come.
And they strangle, um, Arsinoe Arsinoe.
And she dies.
- Wow.
- Yeah.
This girl was 11 and overthrew Julius Caesar.
[uplifting music] At 11, she outsmarted Julius Caesar.
I think that's fascinating.
Moral of the story don't sleep on your siblings.
Does that mean don't fuck your brother? And that too.
Don't fuck your brother either.
[patriotic music] - That's a good one.
- That should be a given.
Should be.
[spills drink] - Oh, my God! - [laughs] [gasps] [patriotic music] [patriotic music] And me.