Duck Dodgers (2003) s02e02 Episode Script

Invictus Interruptus / Pet Peeved

: This is the Galactic Protectorate Headquarters calling Duck Dodgers.
Come in, Duck Dodgers.
I repeat, come in, Duck Dodgers.
Hey, Cadet, check it out.
This is I.
Hi calling Duck Dodgers.
- Aren't you even gonna answer it? - Look.
I don't get it.
I just had Dodgers' communication module repaired.
Told you he was bald.
: As a matter of fact, I've had that thing fixed five times in the past month.
[BOTH LAUGHING] Why is everything always broken in this stupid place? Okay.
Now look serious.
- Dodgers reporting.
- Stupidbugs.
This whole place is teeming with these filthy cockroaches.
And I thought we were friends.
: RoJoe, please don't go away angry.
I didn't mean anything by that.
Are we still on for Thursday night? Hmph.
Dodgers, the Earth is in great danger.
The Martians have launched a fearsome new space destroyer called the Invictus.
I believe it will stop at nothing until our planet is destroyed.
- And that's bad, right? - Very.
So you want me to destroy the Invictus and save the Earth? I.
: Not exactly.
We just need you to go out there and slow down the Invictus to make time for Star Johnson to form Earth's armada and save the day.
- Is something wrong? - Wrong? It's always the same thing.
We kill ourselves trying to pull off an impossible assignment and then some undeserving glory-hound just swoops in and takes all the credit.
Oh, Captain Dodgers.
The greatest satisfaction is in a job well done.
Whatever you need to believe, little ham hock.
COMMANDER: Oh, that was a delightful practice shot.
Now let's see what this thing can do to the Earth.
Alrighty, Cadet after analyzing these top-secret technical schematics of the Invictus I believe I've discovered its Achilles' heel.
Captain Dodgers where in the world did you get these top-secret technical schematics? Oh, I got them from that cute little robot over there.
But, sir, that's just a trash.
That's what I get for buying my reading glasses at the gas station.
Anywho, I found the Invictus' fatal flaw.
The space destroyer is designed for a full-scale assault.
So they must have left its defenses susceptible to an attack by a smaller more insignificant vessel.
I find your argument is based on unqualified assumptions faulty logic, and pipe dreams.
Now follow me to the hangar.
Well, good luck with your foolhardy one-man attack, captain.
I'm not going out there alone.
I need you to navigate the auto navigator.
- But there's no room for me in there.
- You can sit on my lap.
Remember what happened the last time someone sat on your lap? Well, how was I supposed to know that baby wasn't wearing a diaper? - Just get in here.
- Okay, scoot over a bit.
Hey, this is roomier than it looks.
- I guess you're right, Captain Dodgers.
- Maybe not.
Captain Dodgers? I knew I should have cast Speedy Gonzalez as my sidekick.
- Where'd you go? DODGERS: I'm down here, stupid.
- You're sitting on me.
- Oh, dear.
Pull me out.
Pull me out.
For my next number, "Lady of Spain.
" See, Cadet, plenty of room.
We'll just slip in completely undetected.
CENTURION: Commander, we've detected yet another small, insignificant vessel attempting to circumnavigate our main defenses.
COMMANDER: What, again? CENTURION: I'm afraid so.
COMMANDER: I'll handle this one personally.
All right, Cadet, this is it.
Look sharp.
Say, you don't got any gum or mints on you, do you? You see, I had five cloves of garlic for breakfast.
Then a couple of peanut butter and onion sandwiches for lunch and-- What did I have for supper? Oh, yeah.
I ate one of those blocks of Limburger cheese that I get from the government, ha-ha-ha, with tuna fish.
I just love that stuff.
Well, I guess since nobody's got any mints or gum I'll just have to use this.
Fresh as a summer breeze.
Hey, Mr.
Stinky Breath, how about a little courtesy? Let's see what we're up against.
Another delusional fan trying to emulate the famous trench scene.
How many lives must that accursed film claim? Almost there, captain.
And we're right on course.
On my command.
[CADET AND DODGERS GRUNTING] Sir, it has been a peculiar privilege to serve you.
And I consider it an honor to meet my end in your company.
Well, that was easy.
That is the ugliest hood ornament I've ever seen.
[GRUNTING] COMMANDER: Is everyone okay? - I am.
- Me too.
- Then I believe you are my prisoners.
- Jerk.
Although we spent the last two minutes as comrades I won't let mere emotions stand in the way of my duties.
COMMANDER: Centurions, a little help here.
CENTURION 1: Remember to lift with the legs.
CENTURION 1: Commander, are you all right? COMMANDER: I'll be fine.
But right now, we need to capture those intruders.
[CENTURION 1 LAUGHING] COMMANDER: What's so funny? CENTURION 2: Oh, it's nothing.
- Robot humor, you wouldn't get it.
COMMANDER: Find those intruders.
DODGERS: Now to disable this tub.
CENTURION 1: Stop the intruders.
CENTURION 1: Where are they? CENTURION 2: They were just here a second ago.
CENTURION 1: Did you see the commander's brush? It was all screwed up and he didn't even know it.
[ALL LAUGHING] Now, if we can only find something to sabotage.
How about the main rudder controls? Where are we gonna find that? We're standing inside it right now.
Well, okay, commence to sabotaging.
But I don't know anything about Martian technology.
I don't either.
- But I'm pretty good at breaking stuff.
- Good? You're great.
I'll use this piece of chewing gum.
Hey, I thought you didn't have any gum or mints.
Well, that explosion dislodged a piece of gum that had been stuck in my sinus cavity for the past two months.
Sorry I asked.
DODGERS: And I'll carefully place it here.
It's working.
That's really beautiful.
[SCREAMS] JOHNSON: There she is, people.
The dreaded Invictus.
Sir, the Invictus is just slowly sitting in space.
Imagine that.
Dodgers managed to do something right.
Have the armada encircle the Invictus.
Gee, Captain Dodgers, that really gummed up the works.
COMMANDER: Dodgers, what's going on here? Oh, I'm just breaking all your cheap Martian equipment.
COMMANDER: What? - Oh, I'm great at wrecking stuff.
COMPUTER: Self-destruct sequence initiated.
Oh, dear.
Abandon ship.
Did you see his brush? It was all messed up.
The computer said that you initiated the self-destruct sequence.
[ALARM BLARING] Captain, the armada is in position and the weapons are targeted.
On my command.
COMMANDER: One last escape pod.
- Not so fast, bub.
Women and children first.
The captain goes down with the ship.
Isn't that so? Really? Well, I suppose.
Now, helmsman.
Excellent shot.
But, sir, I never pressed the button.
As I said, excellent shot.
Now file your report on how I personally destroyed the Invictus.
COMMANDER: Sorry, Dodgers, but on my planet it's every Martian for himself.
And it is with deepest humility that I, Star Johnson, accept these accolades and commendations for saving the Earth.
[ALL CLAPPING AND CHEERING] I can't believe it.
We kill ourselves to pull off an impossible assignment and some glory-hound swoops in to take all the credit.
Well, kids, don't let anyone tell you this show isn't realistic.
As the captain of this starship, I demand that you follow my orders.
I'm sorry, but I can't comply with your present request.
- Please? - You can't have a puppy.
- How about a kitten? - No.
- A monkey? - Absolutely not.
Where you going? Look, there's just got to be a carefree, zero-maintenance pet.
An energy mutator? Wow.
Hey, they don't eat, sleep, shed, cry, or poop.
- I have to admit, it is pretty cute.
- Great.
Purchase and send.
Yahoo! Meet me by the evaporator.
[BEEPING] Captain, wait.
There seems to be some kind of warning.
[SPEAKING IN ALIEN LANGUAGE] Why, aren't you the most adorable thing? We'll be friends forever.
Captain Dodgers, keep away from that monster.
Why would I keep away from such a cutsie-wootsie little sugar plum? Sending an energy mutator through the evaporator was extremely dangerous.
[KOO KOO SPEAKING IN ALIEN LANGUAGE] Did you hear that, Cadet? He said: [DODGERS MIMICKING KOO KOO] That's what I'll call him, my sweet little Koo Koo.
- You're not even listening to me, are you? - Go rain on someone else's fiesta.
[GUFFAWS] That's doesn't.
Oh, like I didn't see that coming.
[KOO KOO SPEAKS IN ALIEN LANGUAGE] Now, you sleep here in your little basket, Koo Koo while Daddy prepares for bed.
I see you hiding under there, Koo Koo.
Aah! Did it make a mess on the carpet already? Something tells me that Koo Koo is no longer a cutsie-wootsie sugar plum.
Cutsie-wootsie sugar plum, no.
Hideous terrifying monster, yes.
[LAUGHING] - Permission to say, "I told you so"? - Permission granted.
I think he's enjoying that.
I'll program my neutronic ray pistol to discharge all of its energy in one big kaplooey.
Fetch, Fido.
[BELCHES] It appears that the creature absorbs power through its subatomic structure.
- Man, I hate science.
- This thing eats energy.
[KOO KOO SPEAKING IN ALIEN LANGUAGE] And the monster ran away, and the duck and the pig lived happily ever after.
But I'm pretty sure he's off to devour the energy core.
And that thing's important, right? You don't even watch this show, do you? [POWERING DOWN] Looks like someone forgot to pay the electric bill.
No worries, Captain Dodgers.
I usually use this to read by after lights out.
You read? Nerd.
Look, our only chance for survival is to activate the auxiliary energy core.
Good thinking.
[KOO KOO LAUGHS] Let me know when you're finished.
- Where's that coming from? - Right behind you.
DODGERS: I'd try eating more fiber if I were you, Cadet.
Um, Captain Dodgers, I hate to change the subject but since you're in charge don't you think that you should be leading the way? Nope, that's the first thing you learn in officer's training: Protect the important people, expendable drones to the front.
They're a dime a dozen and the ones most likely to get picked off.
It's sort of like the pawns in checkers.
Well, this is it.
But it's rusted completely shut.
I bet it'll never open in a million years.
Nice work, Nostradamus.
[KOO KOO GROWLING] There's the auxiliary energy core.
Switch it on before the monster gets us.
I could use a little help.
Me? You know I've got a bad back.
[BANGING] [BANGING CONTINUES] Mission accomplished.
We're home free now.
We need to lure him away from the energy core.
I'll try the old sweet talk.
Hey, Koo Koo, remember all the good times we had together? The nights by the fire? The walks on the beach? The sunsets? - You two never had any good times.
- Your jealousy disgusts me.
[BOTH SCREAM] This stinks.
[LAUGHING] We're trapped.
So this is how it ends, up to my armpits in filth and waiting to be devoured by a creature I thought would love me forever.
- Reminds me of my first marriage.
- Hold that thought.
Now, Koo Koo, I'm sure the Cadet will be right back.
He's very reliable.
Hang on, captain.
Well, that almost worked.
[GRUNTING] [KOO KOO SPEAKING IN ALIEN LANGUAGE] Look, the stupid beast can't quite reach us.
That drain won't hold him for.
Maybe we should discuss this elsewhere.
DODGERS: Your plan was well thought-out and potentially effective.
But my plan has more pizzazz.
That ought to do it.
Once you're powered up, Koo Koo will find you irresistible.
I still like my idea better.
I told you, your idea lacked visual interest.
Now lure that thing in here and I'll evaporate him out into deep space.
Just once, I'd like a plan that didn't involve dressing me in a funny suit.
Dream on, tubby.
You're brighter than Las Vegas at Christmastime.
- Here, monster, monster, monster.
- Try and sound more delicious.
That should buy me some time to get ready for that big, fat, ugly creep.
[KOO KOO SPEAKING IN ALIEN LANGUAGE] Say there, handsome, you haven't seen the Cadet, have you? Stop fooling around and get out of there.
Who's fooling around? Quick.
Into the evaporator.
- I knew I liked my plan better.
- Get in there, you stupid monster.
I'm still in here.
Next stop, the cold, dark vacuum of outer space.
Captain, you're not gonna zap me out there with him? I'm sorry, but in times of crisis I have to put my personal feelings aside and do what's best for myself.
- Hey, how do you work this thing? - It's pretty complicated.
But if you could get me out of here, I could show you.
Can't you just tap out the instructions with your nose? - My nose is all clogged.
- Typical.
Take a deep breath.
We push pass the right clavicle and through the left ventricle out the oral orifice and ta-da! - How did you do that? - I'm a fully-licensed midwife.
And this whole time I thought you knew nothing about birthing no babies.
- Okay, locked on, stand clear.
- I am standing clear.
You're not gonna zap me out there with him, are you? Ha-ha-ha.
Of course not.
- What kind of fink would do that? - He, he.
You know me, always full of fun.
Did I miss the great pumpkin? Did he leave us any toys? - Are you okay, Captain Dodgers? - Never felt better.
What happened to Koo Koo? Let's just say he's about to meet his new best buddy.
COMMANDER: Where did you come from, little one? Why, aren't you just the most adorable thing? COMMANDER: We'll be friends forever.