Duckman (1994) s03e03 Episode Script

Grandma-ma's Flatulent Adventure

( door creaking ) ( whistles ) ( quacks ) ( loud crunching ) Not only is the cereal chock- full of plastic-y goodness, but I find the toy to be most engaging.
DUCKMAN: Whoo-hoo! Hee! No breakfast for this champion! Yours truly has finally collected Li Yum's Topless Pornographic Chinese Food Emporium, and I'm now entitled to two free steamed buns specially prepared and presented ( whooping ) by topless female chefs! Aren't you forgetting something? I don't think so.
Opera glasses, bail money, hung-yung-guy jokes, spermicide-treated bib.
Stick 'em back in your pants, duckhead! You're forgetting that today is your day to take care of ( farting ) Nuh-uh! No way! Not if you tied my tongue to your tailpipe and dragged me over a field of broken glass.
Intriguing, but does it have to be your tongue I tie to the tailpipe? But this isn't fair! It can't be my turn again! I just baby-sat Grandma-Ma last week! You used her as an anchor to keep your car cover from blowing away! Hey, I paid six bucks for that thing.
Stuff it, you feathered road apple! I've been telling you about this for days.
Here's your list of things to do.
Grandma-Ma gets one worm suppository every two hours, her carbuncle salve and ear-hair trim every three hours and Epsom salt rectal-rash cleansings as needed.
Wait a minute.
That's it?! You're all off to your glamorous lives while I'm stuck holding the old bag? You know what a problem she's been lately! You can't turn away long enough to watch a bra commercial without her getting into some kind of trouble.
You're exaggerating.
Now do it, or they'll be identifying you by your dental records! Ta-ta! ( door closes ) ( groans ) ( plate smashing ) ( whimpers ) ( crying ) ( doorbell buzzes ) ( gasps ) WOMAN: Excuse me, sir.
Salvation can be yours if you spare a few minutes for a missionary.
Hallelujah! Missionary will be just fine, long as it ends in an East Highland squat with a Polish dismount.
Save me, sister! Lay your hands upon me and let the healing begin.
Okay, it worked! I'll stop going door to door, bothering people at their homes.
W-W-Wait! I was serious! And I'm very religious! I know all six of the commandments and I'm a big fan of Oral Roberts! I see her 25 cent loops in the art theater by the airport all the time.
And thank you so much for coming.
You can count on my tithings.
What's going on here, Duckman? Where's Grandma-Ma?! Bernice, please.
Have a little faith.
Grandma-Ma practically takes care of herself ( tires squealing, crash ) ( Bernice screams ) ( chuckles ) in her own unique way.
Piece of advice-- based on my experience, your mother may have reached a point where she's not safe at home.
In my opinion, she might be better off in a rest home.
What?! No mother of mine is going to a rest home! Now, Bernice, hold on.
You might want to hear the man out-- and my only motivation in saying that is to get that smelly old sow out of my friggin' hair! Damn sodium pentothal flashbacks.
( screams ) Wait! Aunt Bernice! Let's hope this becomes another repressed memory, but we actually agree with Dad.
What?! What?! As the only male figures who can be counted on for their family's survival, Charles and I face mounting responsibilities which prevent us from giving Grandma-Ma the help and care she so rightly deserves.
Plus, I've reached the age where most of my waking hours are devoted to-- how to put this in acceptable terms-- working the wiggler.
Look, I know Grandma-Ma's a lot of work but we can't just ship her off.
Besides, this family can tend to her as well as any health care professionals.
Right, Grandma-Ma? I guess it wouldn't hurt to check out a few nursing homes.
DUCKMAN: who says the elderly can't be useful? This place looks ideal, Bernice.
Activities galore and it's affordable.
Back to the pit, Liebermann! What?! I'm not one of your incontinent inmates! I'm Duck-- ( muffled yelling) ( muffled screaming ) Let's get out of here! My mother's not staying at any place that would take Duckman.
( man wheezing ) WOMAN: At Campo 'D' Nile, you're as young as we say you are.
That's why we insist our residents-- or "dudes" and "babes," as we call 'em-- live life to the fullest! Chest pains need heart pills.
Oh, catch a wave, Mr.
Tupperman! It's nothing a little bungee jumping can't cure! ( screams ) And I think we have a vacancy! It's beautiful, but where are all the residents? ( chuckles ) The, uh, residents.
Um we here at Soylent Greens have found the proper place for the elderly in our society-- "nourishing," shall we say, the younger and healthier among us.
Please enjoy our complimentary buffet.
Ooh! ( retching ) ( retching ) What? You act like it's someone you know.
( family continues retching ) ( all sniffling and sobbing ) Don't worry, Mom.
You're going to love Happydale.
I think this is the hardest thing I've ever done, but when I was growing up, you made sure I had the best care.
I just want the same for you.
I hope you understand.
And I think I speak for everyone when I say nobody really wants to see you go.
( car horn honks ) Shake a leg, Grammy! The meter's running! Look, you and I have had our differences in the past.
I haven't been that attentive a son-in-law.
Sometimes, I put my pleasure before your needs.
D-ah! Well, a little late to change now.
A couple of free steamed buns a la nude, coming up! Ah.
Oh, no! This is horrible! Somebody stole my car! And my CD player! And my new Vac-U-Jac! And my matching drink holders! And my custom floor mats! Ah! Oh, no, no, no! I didn't even realize! How could I have missed it?! They took my beanbag hump caddie, too! And my ashtrays! And my sun visor! And my maps and dice and my compass that always points east! Grab my Wendy Whoppers contoured soap-on-a-rope and I'm on a freighter to the Galapagos faster than you can say Bernice! (yawning): Well, I know I'm bushed.
I'll just be heading off to bed.
Grandma-Ma loves the new home.
Couldn't fart enough about it.
And now, since you know everything there is to know about everything there is to know toodle-oo and cheerio.
The rest home called ten minutes ago wondering where Grandma-Ma was.
Oh, right! ( laughing ) It's actually quite a funny story, once you get past all the tragic elements and overriding sense of doom.
Duckman!! Okay! All right! I got out of the car to to save this, uh orphan-- yeah, from that, uh, fire at that, uh, place where the orphans stay, and when I turned around, Grandma-Ma and the car were gone.
But don't you worry a hair on your pretty little back, I read somewhere you can drop 'em off 100 miles away, and they'll sniff their way home.
Oh, Duckman-- silly-mixed-up-possibly- seconds-left-to-live-Duckman-- I think you're confusing Grandma-Ma with a dog! We're talking about my mother! And if you prefer keeping those limbs, appendages and orifices exactly where they are, you'll find her, pronto! This is it, Corny-- the place where the nightmare started where this whole unavoidable tragedy began.
Where someone was trying to get a few free baked buns while leaving an old woman unattended in the car, in a bad neighborhood, with the keys still in the ignition, the engine idling, and the doors unlocked? Not even close.
The buns were steamed.
Now, if we could get back to reality.
All right, Gecko, time to earn your Christmas bowl of water.
Here's a piece of cloth from one of Grandma-Ma's dresses, reeking with her tangy bouquet.
Do your stuff, fella.
He's got the scent, Corny.
He's found her trail.
( cows mooing ) ( sniffing ) I don't get it, Corny.
Why would Grandma-Ma come out here to the backwoods of Vermont? ( gasps ) Howdy! You boys from Guinness? I knew you'd show up one day.
Well, there she is-- the world's largest pile of dung.
Taken me 46 years to collect it.
Lost a wife in the process.
She never understood how, sometimes, all a man has is what he puts together with his own two hands.
Lemonade? DUCKMAN: Trail's cooling, Corny.
If only we knew where she was right now if only there were some way to visually recap what exactly happened ( farts ) ( train whistle blowing ) ( laughter and cheering ) ( conga music playing ) ( all whooping ) ( radio playing romantic music ) ( yawns ) ( farts ) ( panting ) The congo.
This time, Gecko's gone too far.
Can't go on.
Pack too heavy.
Good-bye, old friend.
Okay, I'll carry the curly straws.
( clicking tongue ) ( clicking tongue ) ( clicks "Shave and a Haircut" ) ( laughing ) Just a little Kikuyu I picked up while eavesdropping during bus rides to work.
This is Gubando, leader of the Methusalada a tribe built entirely upon reverence for the elderly.
The elderly?! Of all the ridiculous, boneheaded, ignoramus things to build a tribe on.
He also speaks English.
That is not one of them-- in fact, I'm sure old guano and me share a healthy appreciation for older women.
I always say the older the cushion, the better the ( nervous laugh ) We'll-We'll swap stories later.
To us, age is an accomplishment, not a flaw.
We admire the elderly for their wisdom and experience.
Of course, like any other society, we experience discrimination based on age.
For instance, it's much harder to get a good job in this tribe if you're under 60.
And here is our temple of worship.
Many years ago, a prophet predicted that a goddess would float down the river and yesterday, that goddess arrived.
Grandma-Ma! Hey, listen, Giuseppe, that's no goddess.
That's my mother-in-law, and we're taking her with us.
( screams ) Our ancestral home of 10,000 years, destroyed! Thank heavens for that condo in Fort Lauderdale.
Corny, Corny, Corny! I'm all for taking liberties, but it happens to be against the law with unconscious women, at least, according to that uptight judge who gave me Duckman, she's been frozen for an extended period of time.
I'm not getting a heartbeat.
What are you talking about? Cornfed, wh-why are you, uh? I'm sorry, Duckman.
Grandma-Ma is dead.
Dead? ( crying ) ( sighs ) ( jaunty whistling ) Oh, that's great.
Why don't we all just sit around and point fingers at one another, trying desperately to figure out who's to blame? ALL: You're to blame.
Okay, that was fun.
Though I was thinking it would take a tad longer.
Look, I'll have you know, I cared about her too, and because I did, I was on my way out to personally make all the funeral arrangements myself.
I want to make sure Grandma-Ma gets the respectful and dignified sendoff she deserves.
Top o' the morning to ya.
I'm looking for something in the affordable range.
Maybe a buy-the-cardboard, built-it-yourself kind of thing or some sort of group discount-- maybe cut us a deal if we bury her with a busload of Shriners that went off a cliff or something.
Hey, I know you.
You sold me that home security system that almost killed my whole family! "Almost" doesn't do me a lot of good here, now, does it? ( laughing ) Tetzloff.
Terry "Duke" Tetzloff.
And I'm on to new horizons, Mr.
Duckman, due to a valuable lesson I've learned about today's world.
There is no security anymore-- only all kinds of ugly, painful and completely random ways to die.
Well, enough shop talk-- back to your grief and what you're willing to spend on it.
Uh, listen, normally, I wouldn't cheap out on something as public as a funeral.
Excellent! Most people think how much they spend on someone's funeral shows the rest of the world how much they loved the deceased when they were still alive.
They do? Absolutely! Of course, those people are afraid they could never live down the guilt of a lifetime of shabby treatment which perhaps may have even been somehow responsible for the person's death.
( clearing throat ) Losers.
So, uh, just out of morbid curiosity, of course, is there something you show those people when they come in? ( celestial music plays ) "Death Rest Deluxe.
" An entire package, including flowers, candles, a complete make-over for the corpse at Rodin's of Beverly Hills a short, whimsical little film on the dearly departed's life done in Emmy Award-winning Claymation, and an appearance by a dignitary-- this month's special being Andy Rooney for an extra $20,000-- $30,000 if you don't want him to speak.
Can we do any better on the price of the speaker? Well, for 58 bucks plus bus fare, you can get Joe Piscopo.
Done and done.
I'll take the works but only if you throw in one of those neat little refrigerator magnets shaped like a coffin.
Ha, you're too shrewd for me, Mr.
Spend in peace.
Oh, this is so horrible.
Oh, it was such a tragic demise and can you believe it? The beast who's actually responsible for that poor woman's death is here.
( sobbing ) Which one is he? I'm pretty sure it's the pig.
Well, now that everyone's gathered shall we let the mourning begin? In this hour of sadness, it warms my heart to see before me my mother's many relatives.
Friends killers I'd like to start by sharing some fond remembrances of Grandma-Ma.
As you know, she was born in ( snoring ) What do I miss most about her? I remember I left her outside in the rain once.
( all gasp ) She got wet and stinky, and goo started coming out of her ears.
( all gasp ) So I threw her real hard up against the wall.
( all gasp ) Ajax, I think you're confusing Grandma-Ma with your Mr.
Bunny Doll.
I remember I left her outside in the rain once Well, this has been touching.
Do we have any more sad and/or pathetic memories anyone would like to share? How about you, Mr.
Duckman? Well, okay.
I guess I can talk about, uh that time at my wedding.
It was, of course, a beautiful day.
I was the epitome of class and distinction.
Lawd have mercy.
Good gawd, y'all.
Let's y'all get up and get down by doing the "Funky Duckman.
" * You let your down down, you thrust your pelvis, huh * * You thrust your pelvis, huh * * You thrust your pelvis, huh * * You thrust your pelvis, huh.
* Then Grandma-Ma came over and whispered the strangest thing in my ear.
She said, "Eat more cheese.
" I didn't know what she meant, so I continued my unique, Bob Fosse-like styling.
* You thrust your pelvis, huh * * You thrust your pelvis, huh * * You thrust your pelvis, huh, you thrust your pelvis, huh * * You thrust your pelvis, huh * *You thrust your pelvis, huh * * You thrust your pelvis, huh * Wait a second-- Grandma-Ma didn't say, "Eat more cheese.
" She said something just like it.
It's easy to see how I could've confused the two.
Duckman, even though almost everyone else sees you as just some psychotic street urchin, you're not fooling me.
This horribly obnoxious act of yours is merely a defense.
Deep down, you feel you're not deserving of anyone's love.
Well, you're wrong.
Welcome to our family, Duckman.
You are loved.
She loved me.
Grandma-Ma loved me but, now she's gone.
What the hell? Sorry.
Hated to wake you from your reverie.
You've been standing there for almost an hour.
It turns out you need a license to run a funeral home, so I set up this video arcade instead.
You'll have to leave now, you're scaring the children.
( crying ) ( bass voice ): * Let one go, sweet Grandma-Ma * * You're gassing 'em in heaven right now * * Let one go, sweet Grandma-Ma * * You're gassing 'em in heaven and how * ( humming ) Wait! I didn't say good-bye! I didn't tell her I loved her, and all this time, she loved me.
( sobbing ) Good-bye, Grandma-Ma.
We'll never forget you.
Nor you, Dad.
I'm sorry, Grandma-Ma! I'm sorry for leaving you in the car and for using you to prop the garage door open and for making you the backstop at the boys' baseball games ( deep rumbling ) You're alive! ( farting ) This is wonderful! The whole family's back together! ( Duckman screaming ) What was the Great Beyond like, Grandma-Ma? Did you go down a long, white tunnel? Was Casper truly as friendly as they say? Kids, my guess is Grandma-Ma was never really dead.
She was merely cryogenically frozen into a state of suspended animation, and, as contrived and convenient as it sounds, it took several days for her to come around after she thawed.
Who cares? Grandma-Ma's back and we're never going to send her away again.
I'm sure the only reason she'd been so difficult lately, was because we were ignoring her.
( coughing ) And I, Duckman, ignored her worst of all callously forgetting how she really felt.
Forgive me, Mother-In-Law.
Now, in honor of your return, I offer this celebratory dance.
* You let your down down * * You thrust your pelvis, huh, you thrust your pelvis, huh * * You thrust your pelvis, huh * * You thrust your pelvis, huh * * You thrust your pelvis* GRANDMA-MA: I hate that guy.
* Huh! You thrust your pelvis, huh * * You thrust your pelvis, huh* * You thrust your pelvis, huh * * You thrust *