Duckman (1994) s04e03 Episode Script

Aged Heat 2: Women in Heat

(duck quacks) (snoring) (ringing) Uh lunch! Uh lunch! Wait till you see what I brought today, Corny.
They've got everything in it I love, and they sell it right there at the gas station: artificial cheese wipe, something that looks like meat and two fuzzy green crackers.
(small shriek) Do olives squeal? What kind of slop you got to force down? Just a little something I threw together as I was leaving the house this morning: salmon in a pastry shell, sun-dried tomato and scallop salad on baby greens and crêpe suzette.
Yeah, but I bet yours doesn't come with the Surgeon General's warning.
Would anyone care for a glass of freshly made lemonade? I told you two dust mites-- juice pitcher on the left side of the fridge specimen pitcher on the right.
Duckman, that was all-natural lemonade made exclusively from lemons that died of natural causes.
We waited until these lemons were in the advanced stages of decomposition before using them.
All right! Cameo's over! You know, maybe this would taste better on the rocks.
(grinding) (both shrieking) Oh, yes.
Ice is nice Brrr! Brrr! (screaming) but steam is keen.
(chuckles) (inhaling deeply) Freeze, duck! We got a complaint from the sniper's nest next door-- something about killing your pink and blue secretaries.
Officer, please.
Kill? Fluffy and Uranus? Why, I'm shocked, shocked that you'd think I'd harm a hair on their little chinny-chin-chins.
(coughs) Oops.
No! No!!! I can't be going to prison! Where's the justice? This is America, damn it! A country where you can murder your parents, slice and dice your ex-wife, desex your husband and still get a drawn-out, six-month trial at the taxpayers' expense, complete with a rush-to-video highlights tape before the jury's even reached a verdict! And yet that kangaroo court didn't take ten minutes to give me ten years! This can't be happening.
It can't! It can't! It Mmm-moo! I never can resist that.
Uh, h-here already? L-Look at me.
I-I'm, I'm such a mess.
I can't go out there like this.
Pardon me while I slip into something more comfortable say, uh, Argentina? (grunts) Listen, punk, name's Wanda, aka God.
Play by my rules, and you just might live.
Get cute, and I'll introduce you to Bruno.
(stuttering) Bruno? I know a Bruno-- yea tall, a little fey, works miracles with hair tint and a curling iron.
Ooh! This is Bruno.
Look, no offense.
If I wanted to get smacked around by some tattooed, sex change waiting to happen, I could have stayed home.
What kind of prison is this anyway? Oh, boy! Hold the phone.
Talk about your bureaucratic bonus.
Those red tapeworms accidentally sent me to a women's prison.
Cut the crapola, sister.
It won't wash here.
Duckman, huh? Strange name for a broad.
No Shinola, Sherlock.
Open your eyes.
Just take one look and you'll see I'm a mmm (very feminine grunting) ALL (gently): Ahh ahh I'm a mmm Ahh ahh ahhh I'm a-mmm-mazed at how this place will reform and rehabilitate me.
And wait till my fellow inmates find out I'm a hot-oil masseuse and semiprofessional bikini waxer.
Want to play some naked volleyball? I'd rather do nude weight lifting.
Mm, naked volleyball.
Nude weight lifting.
Naked volleyball.
Nude weight lifting.
Volleyball! Weight lifting! Stop it! (both grunting and squealing) (yowling like cats) And that's just a little taste of what's in store for you here.
The system really does work.
(giggling) You know, Wanda, a job like yours in a place like this must keep you so busy.
If you ever need any help at all doing bed checks, body searches or watching those endless security monitor video tapes Listen, stool pigeon.
I'm getting tired of that mouth.
Time for Bruno to shut it up again.
Wanda! (whip cracking) You're not going to hurt the new arrivals.
Hurting them is my job.
(chuckling) You're looking dominant today.
Good Lord! You're the warden?! Can this hen pen get any better? Silence! (cracks whip) Forgive my manners please come.
(moaning and groaning) (sighing contentedly) How does one stay so supple, so feminine? It's amazing what years of self-abuse and atrophy can do if you just put a little effort into it.
(cracks whip) No matter! You must learn that we have rules here.
In this facility, bad behavior will be met with strict discipline! While good behavior (cracks whip) will also be met with strict discipline! Have I made myself clear? Perfectly, Bert Warden, although I am the very definition of a (chuckling): hardened criminal.
I promise to make you proud.
Trust me, my pet.
You already have.
(chuckling) Ow! Wait outside.
Wanda will escort you to your cell.
She's perfect.
Perfect? Look at her-- lithe, coquettish, seductive-- and I mean that in a totally non-lesbian manner.
She'll make a fine addition to our little club.
(door buzzes open) (suggestive chatter) (inmates howling) Hey there, hi there, ho there.
Love you.
How you doing? So great to be here at Gal-catraz.
I'm shacking you with one of our old-timers.
She'll show you the ropes.
Not to worry.
I'm no stranger to the old bind and boink.
I trust you use velvet here.
I get such a rash when hemp gets wet.
Aah! Watch it.
Wanda can be a real loudmouth-battle-axe shrew.
It's okay.
I've got the home version.
Tough customer, eh? Name's Betty.
Welcome to cellblock double-D.
The first night's always the worst.
Listen, if you're scared I'll be fine.
I'll be glad to hold you.
Why, oh why, oh why am I in this snake pit?! It ain't fair, I tell you! You'll feel better after a shower.
Shower? You mean you? Me? Us? We all shower together.
That way we can help each other and soap those hard-to-reach places.
Shall we? (laughs weakly) (thud) (giggling) You always faint when you hear the word "shower"? (muffled talking) Don't worry.
You'll get used to it.
We have 30 group showers a day.
That's a great way to keep clean and build morale in a totally non-lesbian sort of way.
This can's a powder keg.
Everywhere you look, there's a mud fight or a pillow fight or nude wrestling.
Yeah, I'm scared straight.
(grunts) All right, hellcats, it's time for another shower.
Not you, daisy.
You have visitors.
But-but-but Or would you like to meet Phil? Hi, family.
Great to see you.
Living hell.
Don't try to get me out.
WOMAN: Ooh ahh.
It's so steamy in here.
Ooh Incoming! (sobbing) (sighs): What's going on? Carpet party.
Carpet party! In the big house, you get tired of having cold stone under your feet.
So, once in a while, someone has a big area rug smuggled in.
We dance on the rug, and for one night, it's like it's like we're free! Go, girl.
Go, Betty.
Go, Betty.
* Oh, there's a place you've got to go * (snapping fingers) * The swingingest swank soirée I know * (snapping fingers) * The wildest party in the world * (snapping fingers) * Even though it's only girls * (snapping fingers) * It'll get you higher quicker * * Than any bad old drug * * So lose the beer and liquor * * Right there on the rug * * We'll have a carpet party * * Lots of bee-bop, fun * * I love a carpet party * * Won't stop till it's done * All right! INMATES: Whoo! Yeah! Hey, I get it now! Huh! * From your head down to your feet * * From a-top to bottom it can't be beat * Huh! * From your head down to your toes * * From a-hair to shoes, knee to nose * * Well, the people who love jammin' * * Find it's in the bag * * So get the girls and cram in * * Right there on the shag * * We'll have a carpet party * * Dancing ever faster * * I love a carpet party * * Good thing * * It's a good thing * * It's the master.
* Doesn't have what it takes, huh? Have her there tomorrow night.
(growling) Where do you think you're going? The showers? Change o' plans, princess! This is cruel and unusual punishment! Put this on.
You're going out to a little get-together where you'll be doing men how you say favors? Yeah, you said it right-- favors.
No, sugar walls.
(party conversations) (cheering and whistling) Aw, please, don't make me dance! Has it come to this?! Capering in front of degenerates! Humiliated! Reduced to a pitiable creature! Sacrificing dignity and self-respect! And for what?! What?! Oh.
Is that a finski? You put your down down and thrust your pelvis! Huh! Thrust your pelvis, huh! Thrust your pelvis, huh! Thrust your pelvis, huh! Thrust your pelvis, huh! (big band music playing) (music fades out) Where do you want your steam room? Second level, behind the pasta bar.
(phone ringing) The Duckman.
A conjugal visit? Is it Scooter, that dreamy consul, or that ginchy ambassador Chip? Ah Cornfed Pig.
Ask for Chip, get chitlins.
Okay, girls, take a breather.
Oil up and I'll be back for our 2:00 party sandwich.
(Duckman grunting, Cornfed giggling) (bedsprings bouncing and creaking) DUCKMAN: Aah! Ohh aah Whoo! Yeah! Yeah! Oh! Yeah! (laughing and whooping) Whew! If you ever get out, Hemple's Department Store has two new trundle beds with our names on them.
Sorry to get down to business, but you're in danger here.
Danger? What kind of danger? It's suspicious if we're quiet.
The only way to see you alone was a conjugal visit.
We have to keep it rocking so no one comes a-knocking.
I've been working to get you out.
Get me out? Over my dead body stocking! In here, I'm the Grand Damme, Double Dutch Diva, Glenn Close-to-perfection.
My investigation turned up a lot of scams in this prison-- prostitution, extortion, counterfeit Simpson's merchandise-- and the money trail leads right to the warden.
This place is dirty, Duckman, and it's gonna make you dirty, too.
Hey, can I help it if I haven't gotten into that shower yet? Besides, the warden cares about me.
Don't you see that any popularity you have now is because they can profit off you? When the inevitable fall happens, you'll be as forgotten as Jesse Jackson after a Democratic presidential victory.
Guards! Guards! One hug before I go? (snaps fingers) You don't know nothing! I'm Duckman, damn it! Duckman! It's never going to end 'cause there's no one here better than me! Duckman, meet Susie.
(yelling) (grunting) SUSIE: Hello, Betty.
Morning, Duckman.
Oh, look at that little sweet tart-- that fake cheeriness, those obvious hair extensions, those playfully mischievous breasts.
Oh, why are my hips so large? Well, she may think that she's Miss All-That, but I'm here to tell you she is not.
What the? But the warden only chucks me in that sensual, yet non-lesbian manner.
You'll feel better after a shower.
Don't say that word! I'm sorry, Duckman.
I know what you're going through.
I was once exactly like you.
Three kids, dangerously slanting house, a restraining order from Anna Paquin? What I meant was I was once the warden's favorite.
Welcome to the former- flavor-of-the-month club.
Silly Betty, you probably think before I came to prison, I was rich.
Not really.
Educated at the best schools.
Never occurred to me.
My point is, I don't have much in life.
I'm just another dime-a-dozen gynecology school flunky.
Now, for the first time, I am somebody.
I'm getting praise, respect.
So what if it's 'cause I'm a boy-toy for slavering, disgusting men.
They'll drag me away by my press-on nails before I give up this gig.
Tonight, I'll reclaim my throne.
It's time to put on the dog and scoot that pooch back to the pound.
(chamber music playing) (lively party chatter) (music stops) (music and chatter resume) Duckman.
I'm so glad you made it.
This seems like so much fun.
Well, well, apparently Halloween came early this year.
Love those fishnet stockings.
Oh, excuse me.
Those are your veins.
I'm sorry? Fascinating jewelry.
Me? I stay away from the home shopping stuff, but it seems to work on you.
Kind of highlights your roots.
I don't By the way, still working on that speech impediment? All the men tell me you can't say no.
(chuckling) (laughing) You are so funny, Duckman.
Thanks for making me laugh.
I'm so nervous, this being my big debut, and all.
(screams): Debut?! I guess you're my opening act or something.
I really wish the warden would gave me some advance notice on these things.
Okay, just hold your bit under five minutes and don't mention Vietnam.
I do a POW thing during my tap dance routine-- sort of a tribute.
(drumroll) Gentlemen, it's time to present the person you have all come to see.
Please welcome (rimshot) Miss Susie.
(men cheering) But I I'm prettier than she ever was! Where you going with that stuff? It's mine.
I earned it.
So I can't get the "A" clubs anymore.
So what? That crowd at the flea market loved me.
Wait! You're not taking my three-speed foot soaker and my nubs-begone electric shaver? Oh! No! No! No! You can't take my remote-activated shoe tree! (sobbing hysterically) Ooh! Ooh! Ow! Ooh! Ya! Ugh! (Wanda laughing) My, my.
Just when you thought she couldn't get more pathetic.
You! This is all your fault.
Believe me, it was my pleasure.
Well, get ready to mix your pleasure with pain.
Baby, my pleasure is pain.
Then I'm going to pain your pleasure like it's, uh I mean, I'm going to pleasure your pain till you uh, give me a sec, would you? I'll get a handle on this.
Ahh! (women chanting): Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Wait! Come back here! She sucker punched me.
Look, I can still dance! Look at me.
Look at me! (grunting and groaning) Intense pain in my lower back, buttocks and hips, especially along my sciatic nerve.
Wait a second.
I had lower back pain, too, ever since that last mud fight.
Me, too.
Hey, all this gratuitous mud fighting has given us sciatica.
Sciatica! Sciatica! (all chanting): Sciatica! Sciatica! Sciatica! Sciatica! Sciatica! Sciatica! Sciatica! Sciatica! Sciatica! (grunting) (grunting) (glass shattering) (groans) Attention, ladies, this prison is hereby being shut down.
You are all free.
For those of you with sciatica, chiropractors are here to treat you.
(inmates cheering) (inmates whistling and cheering) You two are under arrest for price-gouging on vending machine sodas.
Oh, and we're pretty sure that dance ring stuff was illegal, too.
Blessed Corny, how did you know what was going on? When I came for our little, uh visit I planted a wire on you.
Really? I thought you were just copping a feel.
Before that.
Thanks to the wire, we overheard everything and I mean everything.
Uh (chuckling) That Swiss bank account of undeclared agency profits-- that's, uh, in both our names.
(women sobbing) I'll miss you.
Good-bye, Duckman.
Buzz off, skank! (grunting) I probably deserve that.
You-- I'm going to miss Most of all.
I'll never forget you, Duckman.
Nor I you, uh uh old pal.
(chuckling) Eh, always wanted my own riding crop.
Duckman, Mr.
Duckman! We're reconstituted again, and all is forgiven.
(both screaming) Yessiree! This'll come in real handy.
Duckman, being free, you no longer have to keep wearing that dress.
You know, you're absolutely right.
(whistling) Aside from your new fashion preference, I wonder what else you've learned as a result of your incarceration in a woman's prison.
Cornfed, old friend, I've learned, as Henry Amadeus Thoreau said that walls do not a prison make, that exploitation of women is wrong and hurtful, but that dancing for men is fun and profitable that detective work is boring and passé but the right undergarments can make you feel so alive and that with the slightest lifestyle adjustment, you, too, can know the wild abandon I feel every time I look in the mirror.
Let's say we go talk about it over some tiramisu and cappuccinos.
My treat.
(Duckman and Cornfed grunting) (bedsprings bouncing and creaking)