Duckman (1994) s04e09 Episode Script

With Friends Like These

(quack) MAN: Salt Lake City, you're on the air.
Hey, Larry, I have a question for the monsignor.
In all of your ecumenical studies, have you ever wondered about Howard Stern and Babba Booie?! Babba Booie! Babba Booie! God, I need a vacation.
Here at last! Here at last! Good God almighty, it's here at last! Happy birthday, Duckman.
Thanks, Corny.
You call the bomb squad? Actually, this one's from me.
Go ahead, open it.
Well, geez, Pigmalion, don't you think I'd better wait for my surprise party tonight? (boinging) I've just had the horribly sickening feeling that you're not joking.
Hoo-hoo-hee! Traci Lords better watch her back with award-winning performances like that.
Ha-ha-ha-ha! Well, you can deep-six the thesping, Brother Cornelias.
All week long, Bernice and the boys have been whispering about something.
That can only mean one thing: Paaarrrr-ttttyyyy! Duckman, every year you convince yourself you'll have a surprise birthday party, and every year you spend the rest of the week tortured, bedridden and suffering bouts of hysterical blindness.
(sighing): Fine.
Go back to your acting, Sir Lawrence O-Pig-ee-ay.
(growling) (sing-song fashion): Oh, Fluffy and his or her long-time companion You rang, Mr.
Duckman? Uh, yes.
At my surprise party tonight, will all the Mandrell sisters be there? (boinging) We've just had the horribly sickening feeling that you're not joking.
(laughs) Aw, heck, why wait for the party for the games to begin? Bobbing for apples, anyone? Yay! Yay! (gurgling) Duckman, by all that is holy, please tell me those apples were broken hypodermic needle-free.
Some questions are better left unanswered, Cornmuffin.
(screaming) (tires screeching) (troops marching) (Fluffy and Uranus screaming) (airplane firing machine gun) (bullets thudding) (screaming) (weapons firing) Now then, where were we? Ah, yes-- the celebration of all that is Duckman.
Um, maybe we should just open my present instead.
Okay, but this better be good.
* For Duckman's a jolly good fellow * * Which nobody can deny.
It's a hologram.
I made it myself.
Original construction began during my eighth-grade summer when all of the other boys were out playing.
Corny, I'll treasure it always.
Really I will.
(electrical crackling) (scatting) Well, I'm home.
Ready for a quiet evening of warm milk and Bible study.
Can I go home now? Where is? Oh, I get it.
A surprise on a surprise! Come out, come out, wherever you are! (crickets chirping) Wh-where is everybody? They've all been stricken with mad cow disease! ANNOUNCER: Attention, viewers: This joke was written in spring 1996.
(yelling) There never was a surprise party, Duckman.
I ran around town buying food and party favors and inviting all your friends.
When threatened with litigation if I actually referred to any of them as your friends, I spent the rest of the day making balloon animals.
Want to see a wildebeest? How could this have happened? In short, you're cynical, self-serving, contemptuous, nihilistic, diabolical, miserly, spineless, phlegmatic, cold-blooded, weak-willed, avaricious, smelly I thought you said, "In short"? Sorry, that's the most fun I've had all evening.
It's okay, Cornfed.
You can always judge a man by his friends and since I have none, I am nothing.
(sighing) Duckman, I know that underneath your terminally abrasive exterior lies a good side, but perhaps the reason you don't have many friends is because sometimes you forget how to be one yourself.
Can this be true? Could I, Duckman, have squandered an entire lifetime by being self-centered, selfish, self-serving and self-something-else? Good heavens, this must change.
From now on, I vow-- as the world is my witness-- a clean slate, a fresh start.
I will summon all my strengths, channel all my energies, and become the very best friend humanly possible, so help me God! Oh, Duckman Eh-eh-eh.
No offense, Cornbelt, but if it really is going to be a fresh start, it'll have to be with people who have no idea how scummy I am.
* * (yelling): Ow! My eye! (siren) I've tried everywhere, solicited everyone and I still can't find a friend.
I'm afraid there's only one thing left to do-- get my IQ And blood/alcohol to the same level.
Barkeep, give me the strongest thing you've got.
(screaming) (groaning) Oh, my gosh! Oh, my gosh! Oh, my gosh! (TV-style laugh-track) I haven't heard screaming like that since my cousin Moishe told Aunt Sophie he hated her kreplach.
(canned laughter) Will you jam your jive jawin' 'fore I go upside your head.
We gotta help this poor, poor man.
Uh, "man"? He looks more like a duck to me.
He's going to be a dead duck if we don't do something.
Come on, gang.
First, I can't make any friends, then I scorch the inside of my esophagus.
Vengeful God, why must you mock me so?! Maybe it's too late to do anything about your internal injuries, but we can always help with the friendship part.
Uh, yeah.
It's the least us hot-looking but nonthreatening twentysomethings can do.
You mean? That's right, Mr.
Duck-- er, man.
Welcome to The Gang! (recorded audience sighing and applause) ( Friends-style theme playing) * Whenever there's no sunshine * * Whenever there's no hope * (four rapid claps) * If you get stuck, we'll tow you * * We'll even buy the rope * * Life can be so pretty if you try * * And with your gang to be there * * You know that we'll get by * * Oh, we'll be friends to the end, to the end * * To the end * * We'll be good friends * * Just like Friends * * Friends, friends, friends * Sha-la-la-la.
DITZI: So this really cute guy came up to me on the subway and asked if I was a model.
I wanted him to like me, so I told him I was and now we've got this date tomorrow and I'm afraid to admit that I'm just some waitress at a coffeehouse.
Oh, you guys, I don't know what to do.
Uh, the same thing happened to me once.
Really? What did you do? Uh, what? (canned laughter) Come on, you guys, this is serious.
Listen, Ditzi, all you got to do is apologize for lying then tell this dude the truth.
And be proud of it, too, 'cause you're not just some "waitress at a coffeehouse.
" You happen to be our friend.
AUDIENCE: Aw Oh, Duckman, these past few days with you have been so great.
I I don't know what I'd do without you.
And I don't know what I'd do without you, Ditzi.
In fact, I can't imagine life without any of you colorful composites.
Sassy, your lust for life and willingness to tell it like it is.
You go, Duck! Bobby, your engaging simplicity, always good for a few laughs.
Uh, what? (audience laughs and applauds) Pete Meiser, with that neurotic Semitic wit and that lovable hangdog expression.
Hangdog? Who am I, Rin Tin Tin? Next thing you know, you'll be getting me neutered.
(audience laughs) AUDIENCE: Aw And finally, Marion, our unofficial leader.
Who'd have thought androgyny could be so so Middle American? Um, I-I'm really, you know, uncomfortable t-talking about, you know, what some people call my sex-sex-sexuality.
Cheese ball? (audience laughing) (Duckman laughing) (sighs): Yeah, I got to say, you people are the best friends I've ever, ever, ever had.
(applause) (clock ticking) Sigh.
(door opens) (dial tone) What's that, Jean-Claude? A karate chopping free-for-all in Brussels? Gee, I don't know.
Hundreds of other friends want me to do neat things with them, too.
I (loud beeping) Um, that was just another one of my friends calling.
Nothing to get jealous about.
Uh, Cornfed, right? Yes.
Haven't seen much of you lately.
Hey, hanging out with The Gang's a full-time job.
Oh, those guys But lookie what I've got ringside seats for tonight's "Foxy Boxing" title bout.
If we're lucky, we may be sweated upon.
Maybe even catch a tooth.
Female fisticuffs? Cornfed, I happen to have friends who are women.
I I'm sorry, Duckman.
It's just that you haven't been around lately and, well, to be honest, you really mean a lot to me and I miss you (laughing hysterically) I almost forgot to tell you.
We were sitting around the other day discussing relationships natch and, uh, Pete came out with the funniest thing.
He's dating this fashion model who doesn't know he's Jewish.
So he says to her, he says, "Do you want a boyfriend or a goyfriend?" You get it? A goyfriend! Wow! That's some kind of funny, all right.
Well, I wish I could stay and entertain you longer, but it's time for us to meet at the coffeehouse to make obscure pop-culture references.
Pop-culture references? I make those all the time.
The clapper.
Eddie Vedder.
Well, gang, here I am.
Hot pockets.
Fanny Farmer.
MTV's House of Style.
Spray-on hair.
It's not the same! Where could The Gang have gone? I know, they're probably at Marion's spacious bohemian loft.
Need some company? Well, actually, there's something I wanted to talk to you about, Corndog.
You know, I I've been doing a lot of thinking lately I mean, you're really a nice guy and all, it's just that well, I think we should stop seeing each other for a while.
Excuse me? Don't make this any harder than it already is.
Let's face it, I've changed, you've changed.
I haven't changed.
The point is, I want to move on.
This is all about them, isn't it? Your precious Gang.
Don't be ridic Wait.
No, you're right.
It is all about them.
(chuckles): But so what? They're young, attractive, popular.
You-- you don't even have a haircut named after you.
Actually, there's a tribe in the Aleutians that sport "the Cornfed.
" It's a slick-back number with little mukluks where the ears would be.
Shut up! (glass breaking) Good-bye, Duckman, and good luck with your new life.
But don't you find it a bit odd that The Gang's disappeared? What are you talking about? Not to alarm you, but you do have a tendency to scare people off.
This time it's different.
This time, I've tried really hard to become a great, caring friend just like you said I should.
This time I've changed.
Marion! Ditzi! Gang! Open up! Please?! (sobbing): They've deserted me.
I guess it wouldn't be the first time a group of people faked their own deaths and moved to Tibet to escape you.
God, I miss Menudo.
Surprise! Ha! Oy.
So, what are you waiting for, belated-birthday boy? Uh, what? (audience cheering and applauding) MAN: Bobby, we love you! (emotionally): You people are so very precious.
(applause) I don't believe it.
Duckman really does have friends.
(door creaks) AUDIENCE: Aw Okay, D-man, your desperately tight grip is severely cutting off our circulation.
Yeah, sugar.
You, uh, can let us go now.
I'll never let you guys go.
In fact, I'm going to have us all surgically grafted together at the pelvis.
(laugh track) No, I'm serious.
I know this doctor in Uruguay.
(audience gasps) (all grunting in exertion) I cannot express to you in mere words how grateful I am.
Thank you.
(extremely long kissing noise) (moaning pitifully) Oh, dear.
I guess being kissed by a man was too much for the poor little thing.
God, I hate being so virile.
Uh more likely you just sucked all the blood out of her head.
(laugh track) Bobby you don't have to make excuses about Marion's questionable sexuality.
You're a studly guy who never fools around with any of the girls in The Gang and we've never made fun of your homosexuality.
Uh I'm not gay.
Bobby, bubbe, hey, come on.
It's me, Duckman, remember? Heck, I've experimented a few times myself-- in Scouts, in college, during my six-year stint in the Greek navy.
I'm not gay! I'm not! I'm not! (screaming) What did you say to get him all crazy? Ah, we were just, you know, relating like good friends often do.
Speaking of which, shalom aleichem, sweet soul sister Sassy.
My home girl, my home style, my Home Depot.
What's up with yo bad, bad, bad Leroy Brown self, G-spot? Oh, hell no! I cannot believe that you just said what you said.
The hell with all y'all.
Go fight the power, mama.
Say, what are my two compadres talking about? Wait.
Let me guess-- relationships.
Yeah, there's no greater feeling than falling in love except maybe when an infection clears up or a canker sore finally heals.
(gasps) (gagging) (sighs) It feels so good to share.
Geez, Duck-guy, you're not exactly secretary-general of the decorum department.
(laugh track) Oh, you're such a Jew! God, I love trading witticisms with you, Petey boy.
You know, thinking I lost you guys was the scariest thing that ever happened to me.
So, first thing tomorrow morning, I'm a-moving in! (stammering): Wh-wh-what? Excuse me? That's right.
From now on, I'll be right here, hugging you, trading quips with you, sharing my each and every thought and feeling, no matter how insignificant or trivial.
Yes, I'll be there for you and I'll never, ever, ever let you go.
* Whenever there's no sunshine * (scatting) I-I-I don't know about you guys, but this Duckman isn't working out as well as I had hoped.
We can ask him no, beg him to leave.
But I don't think we'd ever really get him out of our lives.
Uh, so what are we going to do? Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! I know, I know! (laugh track) Let's kill him.
(audience applauds) (toilet flushing) (laughing) Hey, how come nobody's laughing? (theme music playing) * Whenever there's no sunshine * * Whenever there's no hope * (four fast claps) * If you get stuck, we'll tow you * * We'll even buy the rope * * Life can be so pretty if you try * * And with your gang to be there * * You know that we'll get by * * Oh, we'll be friends to the end, to the end * * To the end * * We'll be good friends * * It's just like Friends * * Friends, friends, friends * Sha-la-la-la.
(sizzling sound) (screaming) (all laughing) Well, that wasn't funny or friendly.
All I did was try to be your friend, try to be like you.
You went too far, meshuggeneh.
We thought we could quip with anyone.
Relate to anyone.
Look hot with anyone.
Anyone except for you! (all laughing) Deep down, I knew I never really fit in with you.
When people look at you, they see the way they want to be.
When they look at me, they see the way they really are.
Well, what are you waiting for? Finish me off so there'll be room for more of you.
And since we're The Gang ALL: Let's dismember him together! WOMAN: But before your bloodbath begins have you considered features? Oh, my gosh! It's super agent extraordinaire Skip "Spike" Bergenstock.
Sign with me and not only will I have your professionally chiseled profiles plastered on every calendar and coffee mug this side of Alpha Centauri, but I'll release you from this small screen trinitronic purgatory and take you to the glamorous world of motion pictures.
Can you really get us into the movies? Absitively, but you got to decide who gets top billing.
Uh, that would be me.
You? Why, I've been carrying your collagen-stuffed butt for years.
SASSY: My TV-Q tested better than all of you combined.
(all bickering) (audience applauding and cheering) Corny, what are you doing here? Cornfed, that was your greatest discovery since Yahoo Serious.
Let's talk finder's fee.
Saving Duckman's life is reward enough, but three points of the ancillary rights would really hit the spot.
(clicks tongue) Duckman, you have your choice: I can either rush you to a burn unit or ringside at Foxy Boxing.
Alas, you know me too well, old friend.
But before we go, there's one thing I don't understand.
I abandon you, hurt you, treat you like a bus station toilet, yet you're always by my side, bailing me out, saving my skin Why? When I graduated college with a degree in sidekick sciences, I could've made a lifetime commitment to either you or Matt Houston, and frankly, Lee Horsley always gave me the creeps.
He was like the poor man's Tom Selleck.
Isn't that redundant? (both laughing) Corny, you're the greatest.
No offense, Duckman, but haven't you had enough hugging for one day? Oh, uh, yeah.
(audience oohs and ahs) (applause and cheering) (applause and cheering die out) (audience milling about and talking) ( The Gang theme music playing backwards) (DISTORTED VOICE): Hello, kids.
This is Satan.
Thank you for watching, and remember to worship me.
Good night.
(music continues playing backwards) MAN (distorted): Need more cheese.