Duckman (1994) s04e14 Episode Script

Duckman and Cornfed in 'Haunted Society Plumbers'

* * Rodney, darling.
Thank you so much for coming.
I wouldn't miss tonight for the world.
It should be an unforgettable evening.
Oh, I do hope you're right.
I would be mortified if anything went awry.
Dear Auntie, I'm here.
Your loyal Huntz is here.
The wealthiest people in the city are here.
What could possibly go wrong? * We're plumbers, we're plumbers * * We're plumber-umber-umbers * * We're plumber-umber-umbers and a-plumbing we will go * * We're plumbers, we're plumbers * Well, you got to admit, Cornelicious, we landed on our feet.
Getting thrown out of our office for nonpayment of rent, phone and utilities was pretty humiliating.
Whereas now we've got a job where we spend hours each day with our hands in human feces.
And more.
Thanks to my clever ruse putting us first in the phone book, someone actually called.
* We're plumber-umber-umbers and a-plumbing we will go * * We're * Couldn't we have been first with only one "A"? 'Scusi.
The careful driver always signals.
(all gasping) * We're plumbers, we're plumbers * * We're plumber-umber-umbers * * We're plumber-umber-umbers, and a-plumbing we will go * * We're * (ringing doorbell) Hum-an-a-hum- an-a-ha-wha.
If those puppies are for sale, I want the one with the brown nose.
I love that gag.
As do we all.
Ah, the butler.
Can I call you "the butt"? (laughing): Another classic.
I'd hate to choose between them.
I am Huntz.
May I help you, gentlemen? You betcha, Heinz.
We're from A-A-A-A-A-A-A- A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A- A-A-A-A-A-A-A-1 Plumbing.
You're from A-A-A-A-A-A-A- A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A- A-A-A-A-A-A-A-1 plumbing? Yes.
We're from A-A-A-A-A- A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A- A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-1 plumbing.
Oh, are these the men from A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A- A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A- A-A-A-A-A-A-1 plumbing? Yes.
They say they're from A-A-A-A-A-A-A- A-A-A-A-A-A-A All right.
Come on, we don't even have a plot yet.
Didn't you say you would be here between 8:00 and 12:00? Oh, you thought I meant A.
M.
(laughing) Gentlemen, you may do your work, but you must be discreet.
Huntz, show these men to the toilet.
Hey, look.
The perfect place to hide body parts you've had in your underwear drawer since that lawn-mowing accident in '92 if, uh, you had to worry about that sort of thing.
You are to stay away from this case.
It contains a priceless diamond recently obtained from the South African mines at Sharon.
The Sharon stone? I'd love to get my hands on that.
Well, you won't.
You won't go near it, get it? Don't dent the down, Huntzala.
Isn't there some kind of legend about the Sharon? Legend? I don't think so.
Oh, I suppose you could find some peasant who would say the diamond is cursed, that its very presence can unleash the ghastly spirits of its former owners, all of whom died in unspeakable terror and agony, vowing to return to earth to torment any who dared to possess it.
(thunder crashing) Now we got a plot.
The diamond will be unveiled at exactly 9:00 P.
M.
But for you gentlemen, I have a different unveiling in mind.
Do-ee-ew! Do-ee-ew! Are you certain you're experts in the sanitary arts? Yeah.
Sure.
Now, run along and buttle something.
Everything's under control.
(door closing) What the hell do we do now?! Luckily, when I was dating Ivanna Trump last spring, she paid for me to take a course in home repair.
I did her wainscoting at Mar a Lago.
Would you get your mind out of the gutter? We got a job to do.
Say, uh, what's this doohickey? It's the lever you use for flushing.
Flushing? (water gushing) Somebody call a plumber! The water's going in a circle! You'd better go to the basement.
Find the control marked "water" and turn it off.
Whoo! Ooh! (screaming) Plumber coming through.
Move aside.
Big, stinking, plumbing emergency.
Move aside there.
Out of my way.
Emergency plumber.
Stand aside.
Whoo-hoo-oo-ee! Ugh! Serves you right for being there.
That's why they give you people special parking spaces.
Now, where would I find? Hello.
How's about we sneak a peek at the family jewel? Move aside.
Plumber doing something he was specifically told not to do.
Out of my way.
Oh.
Gone? Vanished.
Kaput.
Disappear-a-mentay.
Absent-a-la-moochi.
Zipparoo.
This is terrible.
We have to tell Mrs.
Worthington-Ford before anybody else finds out.
Move aside.
Ironically genuine-this-time emergency.
Watch where you're going.
We're looking for Mrs.
Worthington-Ford.
I am Rodney Ford-Taurus.
What do you wish with my aunt? I'm sorry.
It's confidential.
Something plunger-related? Something the-Sharon-stone- has-been-stolen related? Egad! No one must learn about this.
Do you hear me? No one.
But what about Mrs.
Worthington-? Ford.
My aunt is in the frailest of health.
The shock could kill her.
We can't call the police either.
We must investigate on our own.
Actually, we're not only plumbers.
We're detectives.
And we're not even plumbers.
Ooh! Excellent.
If you find the priceless diamond, I'll give you a reward of $25.
Oh, yeah, right.
Like you've got $25.
We'll take the assignment.
So, how do we start? Carefully.
If the thief finds out we know, our lives could be in danger.
(gasps) What? I thought I saw a ghost.
Maybe the curse is working.
It seemed like the eyes in that painting looked at me.
The danger's real enough.
Let's not imagine it where it doesn't exist.
Come on.
Thieves could be anywhere.
Must stay alert.
All my senses heightened alive ninja-like.
CORNFED: Uh, Duckman? Except the soles of the feet-- every ninja's weakness.
So, did you check outside? No footprints in the soft earth under the windows and no tire tracks in the gravel driveway.
Whoever stole the Sharon stone is still here.
We have to check out the guests.
Okay.
When's check-out time? Will you cut it out.
Remember, everyone is a suspect, so be careful.
If we blow our cover, the crooks might come after us.
Big deal.
They might get tough with us.
Let 'em.
They might kill us.
See ya.
Say, are you a man or a mouse? I'm more of a flea.
Flea? If you say so.
Just yanking you.
Okay, let's go.
Not in these coveralls.
We have to get evening clothes.
But where? You! Society plumbers! I am Count Andre von Steiner und zis is Baron Fritz von Braugher.
No butler met us at ze door.
Zis is an outrage.
Look! Jews! Huh? Huh? (grunting) Hey, you wear cartoony boxer shorts, you're begging to have your clothes stolen.
Shall we? The thief may still have the diamond.
Check everyone.
But no cavity searches.
We've got to get the Sharon stone back in that case before Mrs.
Worthington-Ford unveils it.
Now, spread out.
Hello, hello.
Nice to see you.
Charmed.
How's it hanging? My goodness.
What an appetite.
Oh, yes, well Holdover from my days in the military, eh, what? Infantry? No, we were adults.
Whatever are you doing in my purse? Please to be forgiving, madame, but was for your own safety.
Was merely checking bag for, uh, volves.
Volv I mean wolves? Ridiculous.
Maybe is ridiculous in U.
of S.
But in my country, is eat or be eaten.
Volves is number one pest.
Must always look all over for volves for is always many volves.
Volves to right, volves to left, volves in the mid Yes, yes, all right-- a lot of wolves.
Not just a lot! You're not listening! Is thousand of volves everywhere! At the drop of a hat, you will find volf in hat! We are lousy with them.
We talking major volves here! Yes, all-all right.
Unhand me! Whew.
So I grabbed the savage and I'll tell you, Count, I gave him a good caning, I did.
Well, listen, I'd love to hear more about that war you were in Boer? You certainly are.
So got to go.
So I sneak with gun, looking for volves.
I check every corner of forest for hidden volves.
I check every hiding place.
Check twice, and I check again and again! (trumpet plays fanfare) And then I went home.
Kind of petered out at the end, huh? Psst! Excuse me for a moment, my little pita pocket.
Keep the motor running till I get back.
We've got a problem.
Look.
If we don't do something, she's gonna make with the unveiling.
Remember last year's Duckman Detective Agency employee talent competition? Sure do.
We should've won, but that damn Uranus just becomes Liza.
Atencion! It is finally time to meet tonight's real guest of honor-- one of the most exquisite treasures What the? I wouldn't say exquisite, but who am I to argue? Thank you, folks.
Thank you for coming tonight to honor a lovely lady, Mrs.
Worthington-Ford.
(tittering) Before she unveils the diamond, I'd like to do a love song just for her.
(people laugh) You screwed up, huh? Me? Exactly what are you doing? I'm playing the drums.
Boy, the way you do it, that ain't play.
That's work.
Oh, yeah? I know how to play Tiffany.
You mean "timpani.
" You play what you want BOTH: I'll play what I want.
Hey, get over here.
Hi, Bob.
We're trying to do a love song and you're banging away.
What's all that banging got to do with love? Never mind.
Maybe we should just sing.
I thought you'd never ask.
Hit it! * Like rifles and skeet * * Cement and concrete * * Like trick and treat, buck and wheat * * Dunn and Bradstreet, that's us * * Buddy, that's us * * Like apples and jacks * * Like caddies and shacks * * Like hay and stacks and hunch and backs * * And turtles and wax, that's us * * Buddy, that's us * * We always go together * * It's just how we belong * * No matter what the weather * * Right or wrong * * We get along * * Just singin' our song * * Like fiddle and sticks * * Like mocha and mix * * Like ice and picks and lip and sticks * * And contra and dicts * * That's us * * Buddy, that's us * * Like Gaza and Strip * * Potato and chip * * Like roach and clip, "Q" and tip * * Skinny and dip, that's us * * Buddy, that's us * * It really is * * Like witch and hazel * * Post and nasal * * Back and sliding * * Cock and fighting * * High and mighty * * Gal and Friday * * Egg and timer * * Opp and heimer * "Opp and heimer"? Eh * That's us * * That's right, baby, that's us * * It really is * * That's us * * Buddy, that's us.
* (trumpet plays) (gasps) (gasping) Do-ee-ew! Look, it's those society plumbers.
They've stolen the Sharon stone.
No.
We're detectives working for Rodney.
Tell them, Rodney.
I've never seen these men in my life.
They must have stolen the diamond.
That's a lie.
I wouldn't steal that diamond.
I wouldn't even touch it, 'cause I'd be too afraid of the, uh uh what do you call it? (disembodied voice): The curse of the stone! Yes, thank you very Well, I've said it before and I'll say it again (screams) (all screaming) (echoing demonic laugh) (pounding) Let me out! Let me out! Or send the debutante back in! Trapped inside the mansion because of some so-called curse? This is preposterous! Worthington-Ford Manor harbors many a mystery-- one of which is why you lied about hiring Duckman and me.
Oh, that was simply a lark, a prank, a spree.
He's such a scamp.
Come, Huntz.
Let's see if there's some other way out.
Good luck.
Don't let the ghostulas bite.
Corny I'm scared.
These old mansions are full of secret passageways.
Maybe if we look around.
You can play detective all you want, Cornbone.
Me? I'm digging a tunnel the size of Rosie O'Donnell's lower intestine.
(gulps) Say, I haven't felt a metal mama since I had to strap one on during my honeymoon.
I C-C-C-C-C-Corny Cor-ny! Yes.
Cornfed! I thought you morphed into some sort of futuristic flesh-craving metal man.
Duckman, have you been sticking the caulking gun up your nose again? No, I'm serious! I just turned around like this and when I turned back, you were (gasping) Corny you in there? (wheezing) (wheezing) May I help you? (falsetto shriek) (shrieking continues) Listen to that little fellow scream.
(gulps) For the last time, there are no such things as curses! There are, however, such things as emergency exits.
Perhaps if we split up.
(floorboards creaking) I don't know about you, but this place gives me a first-class case of the creeps with a side order of heebie-jeebies.
I'm telling you, Corneptitude, this place is evil, vile.
It's worse than Bernice's dirty clothes hamper itself.
Whaaa! Whaaa! Shh! I'm scared.
Hold my hand.
Your hand's so soft.
Have you been moisturizing? Say you're not Rodney.
You're not Cornfed.
I'm over here.
I'm over here.
And I'm right here.
(maniacal laugh) From the timbre of it's wail, I'd say it's a phantasm from the netherworld.
What do you think, Duckman? I think I made in my pants.
But you're not wearing any Ew.
Return the Sharon stone to its rightful place or all will die! Th-th-th the what?! I don't know what you're talking about.
Sure he does.
He does, you know.
Boy, does he ever.
I do not! In any case, the curse does not exist.
Ghosts do not exist! (sinister laughter) All right, I took it! I stole the diamond! (gasping) Oh, Rodney! How could you? How couldn't I? When those society plumbers showed up, I knew they'd make the perfect patsies for a crime we'd already committed.
But now I've put it back, so everything can return to normal.
And I'll simply throw on a fresh ascot and prepare for a rousing weekend of lawn croquet.
I guess there's no more need for this.
Thanks for the confession.
You mean to tell me that you were behind everything? I knew when you put Duckman in charge of the diamond's disappearance, that you were either stupid, insane, or criminal, so while I pretended to go outside to search the property, I snuck back in and rigged up my equipment.
But, Cornectomy, where'd you come up with all those weird, Ray HarryHamlin-type gizmos? To be honest, I didn't think our new, uh, vocation would be the most lucrative career path, so I planned to supplement my income by designing fun houses for amusement parks.
Everything you saw tonight will be on display starting in June at Six Flags over Laughlin.
And the reason you didn't let me in on the secret was that you needed my hysterical weeping and screaming and soiling myself to make the haunting seem more authentic, right? Uh yeah.
(gun being cocked) Don't roll the credits yet! Excellent work, Huntz! Shut up! Hands up! If murdering all of you is the only way to get the Sharon stone, then that's the price I'll have to pay.
I've worked and slaved in this house for too long to watch it all go down the drain.
"Down the drain"? Uh I just remembered What? That you left the water running? Yes.
Oh Oh My My God.
God.
(gasps) Oh! (yelling) (siren wailing) Thank you, gentlemen.
While you may be dreadful detectives, you are extraordinary plumbers.
For the return of my diamond, it is only right that you receive a reward.
What would you say to a delicious box of doughnuts? Doughnuts? Doughnuts?! At least there's one thing we can be grateful for: There's no such thing as ghosts.
Oooooh! BOTH: Ya! (crashing) Heh-heh-heh.
The perfect crime.
What the hell are you staring at?! (mix of The Simpsons and Duckman theme songs playing) DIRECTOR: Okay, Homer, it's just "What the hell are you staring at?" Okay? Take 38.
HOMER: What the hell are you looking at? I mean staring D-ohh! Okay.
Good, good, but could we try one where you say "What the hell are you staring at?" Take? ENGINEER: 39.
Thirty-nine.
HOMER: What the hell are you looking at? D-ohh! Staringat.
Close, very close.
Okay, show 4457, take 40.
What the hell are you looking at? D-ohh! Staring.
Terrific! DUCKMAN AND CORNFED: Do-ee-ew!