Due South (1994) s01e18 Episode Script
An Invitation to Romance
Image, Constable, that's what we are talking about here.
The bases of all good diplomatic relationship isn't who you are, but who the other side thinks you are.
Now, I've worked very hard to create an image of Canadians we can all be proud of.
Yes sir.
You, on the other hand, have been doing everything in your power to wreak havoc on that image.
Sir? All this do-gooding, Constable.
Picking up litter, rescuing kittens, saving people's lives.
What sore of message do you suppose that sends to the Americans.
That we care sir? Exactly and people don't fear people who care.
I'm sorry, sir, I wasn't aware that we wanted the Americans to fear us.
That's what every country wants, Fraser.
No one takes you seriously if they think they can push you around.
Do you think I would have risen this high if people weren't afraid of me? When can it be ready? Wednesday.
Nonsense, I need it this afternoon.
I'll have to take em with me.
Well, get on with it man.
Get on with it! There, did you see that, Fraser? That's another American tailor that fears me.
I could see that, sir.
That's what Canada needs.
To be feared by tailors? Along with every other American.
Do we have a plan to accomplish this sir? Yes, but I'm not at liberty to reveal it at this moment.
The important thing is that you not undermine our efforts with all this nice guy stuff.
Yes sir.
As to my assignment.
Assignment Yes.
I need for you to handle and deliver a very important document.
Ah, now I don't want to say that the relationship between our two countries rests on it's safe arrival but if something were to go wrong, I can't speak as to the consequences.
It looks like a party invitation sir.
Clever, no? Just make sure someone gives you a uh, get a a Signature? Signature, yes.
and get the balloons on the way home.
We're counting on you doing your part to make sure our reception is a success.
You know your duties? Doorman, sir.
That what you do? Yes sir.
Well, keep up the good work.
Carry on.
Oh and Constable, God speed.
Thank you sir.
Oh.
I have to go out for awhile Diefenbaker on a very important assignment.
So what I'd suggest.
Is that you to just Diefenbaker? Oh please, don't do this to me now.
Dief? There's nothing more frustrating than playing hide and seek with a deaf wolf.
Jasmine, have you seen Diefenbaker? No Fraser, I haven't.
Ah, well, if you do would you tell him I had to go out for a while.
Sure thing.
Can I give you a hand across the road ma'am? Well, aren't you the kind young man.
Where you from? Well, ma'am, I'm fromI'd rather not say.
Je suis Katherine Could you tell me how to get to the nearest post office? - Two blocks up on your right.
- Bien et vous? I'm sorry, you'll have to speak up.
I'm trying to learn French and it's difficult to do two things at once, especially if they're in two different languages.
Two blocks up Oh, thanks anyway, I'll find it myself Oh damn.
"Fermez la porte Jacques.
Merci.
" "Fermez la porte Jacques.
Merci" Oh, I beg your pardon.
Oof! What in God's name do you baby think you're doing right in broad daylight! I don't know where you get the idea that you can just do what ever you please.
Well, you just tackled the wrong woman, mister.
Well, actually I think you misunderstand I misunderstand? Oh that's very nice.
That's very nice that you accuse me of not understanding.
I'm too rash, too emotional, incapable of reason, huh? - Well, no, I didn't mean that.
What I meant was - Well, let me tell you something about me.
When I want something, I ask, when somebody says something, I listen.
I don't grab people and throw them to the ground when they're trying to learn French and if I do, Well, at least I apologize.
Well, I-I-I'm terribly sorry but you misunderstand, you see you were about to be hit by a truck.
Oh.
Why didn't you just say that in the first place, I'm not a mind reader.
Oh dear.
Um DUE SOUTH S01E18 "An invitation to romance" Excuse me did you happen to see a young lady with a bright blue jacket and a floral skirt carrying a -- post office.
Thank you, thank you kindly.
Oh, that's very kind of you.
Excuse me, you don't mind if I cut in do you? I'm getting married tomorrow.
Oh, thank you.
- Excuse me.
- Oh hello.
This is that man I was telling you about.
Hello.
Would you mind if I went in front of you? I'm getting married tomorrow and I'm running very late.
Oh, thank you.
I'm afraid you have my letter.
Your letter? Oh no, These are my letters.
Don't you remember they fell when you tackled me.
Uh, no, you see I had a letter also only mine didn't have a stamp on it.
Oh, then you're in the wrong line.
You buy stamps over there.
- Excuse me sir.
- Yeah, yeah, go ahead.
Oh, thanks.
Uh, no actually you don't understand.
Or rather, let me think of another way of saying this Excuse me.
Yeah, Sure.
Now you see Hey, hey, wait your turn, buddy! You know I really don't think you should be cutting in front of all these nice people.
They were generous enough to let me pass but I'm afraid you're upsetting them.
Oh here, I'll mail it for you.
Well, that's very kind of you but actually I need my letter back.
But you just gave it to me.
Just a second, this is my letter.
Well, yes, it is What were you doing with my letter? Oh, you're following me aren't you.
Exactly.
Oh, well, that's very flattering but I have to tell you that I'm already spoken for.
And I'm afraid my fiancée is very jealous.
So I think it's best if we never see each other again.
I appreciate this Ray.
Let me get the door for you.
Look he's a Mountie, okay? Mounties do not lie.
If he says it's his letter, it's his letter.
I don't care if he's Sgt.
Preston, he's not getting the letter.
Ray perhaps Benny, let me handle this, alright? - Let me see your driver's license, pal.
- Hey, - He Looks like a - hey, over here.
Come here.
- Look, Once the letter departed it becomes government Are you looking for a letter from the Canadian Consulate? Yes.
Oh, no, I wouldn't want you to get into any trouble.
I get off at four.
Well, then I won't keep you.
You must have a lot to do.
Thank you kindly.
So how many times do I have to tell you it can't be done.
Yeah well, if I find your mail truck parked in front of a hydrant, don't expect me to cut you any slack.
There's absolutely no way to get that letter back.
It's alright, Ray.
How did you do that? Did I mention it's my day off? Several times.
Consulate line is still busy.
I thought I did, but then I became confused when I found myself driving around delivering mail.
Well, this isn't just mail Ray, this is a highly sensitive Canadian document.
Oh! You guys planning an invasion? Well, I'm not entirely sure.
I think I may have said too much already.
Well, don't do it today alright? Cause I'm going to be sitting on my couch enjoying the basketball game and the tip off's in five minutes.
wouldn't be on your way home would it? No.
I'll just be a minute.
Alright, I'm counting down Fraser.
One, two, three, four Technically that's counting up.
Get the hell out of here -- nine, ten.
This is the place.
Third trip today.
I don't understand what the problem is.
What are you doing here? I am as surprised as you are ma'am.
Delivery for Ellis, where do you want em? Oh, any where.
Please you have to go away.
No, of course not you.
You are away.
Do you not understand nothing.
Allow me to explain.
I have a letter Oh? The one you accused me of taking? Yes.
You see you had it all along.
Well, let's just say you apologized and leave it at that shall we? No! No, you see I have to deliver it into the hands You want to give it to me? Oh, no, we've been through that already, I'm not going to take it a second time.
Yes, I'm still here.
Listen, we both know why you're doing this and if I was available I might be intrigued but I'm not so you'll just have to leave.
I honestly didn't know this was your address.
Don't be ridiculous, it's written right there on the envelope.
Ma'am, all I want to do is deliver this letter Alright, I'll take your letter but no matter how well it's written, I'm not going to change my mind.
I'm getting married tomorrow.
Yes, I know you know that.
Alright, I'll be there at two.
Oh -- but just give me your number incase I get lost.
Do you have a pen? Yes.
And if you could just sign? - Oh dear, what was the number? - 555-0866.
How do you know the number of my bridal shop? Well, I didn't know it was the number of your bridal shop.
Oh, so you just pulled that number right out of the air.
Okay, here, now is there anything else? Uh, no and I assure you ma'am Who's down there? Oh, no, now you've done it.
If my fiancée finds you here, he'll never understand.
He's very jealous.
Well, there's absolutely no reason for Well, then you're a lot more broad minded then he is.
Bye bye now.
Have you seen our wedding license application dear? I thought I put it oh, here it is.
Who was that? Oh, no one dear.
A Mountie.
He means nothing to me.
And what's that suppose to mean? He means nothing to you? You see an envelope with a number written on it? It was right here.
Just a second.
What did he want? You really have nothing to worry about.
He's a total stranger.
If I hadn't been lying on top of him, I hardly would have recognized him You were lying on top of him? What is the number of my bridal shop? Oh yes! Thank you sweetheart.
Wait, wait.
Forget about that.
What's this lying on top of who.
Now don't get all worked up.
He was just being a gentleman.
If he'd landed on top he would have crushed me.
You saw how big he was.
I'm sorry it took so long, Ray.
Miss Burns is not the easiest person to Oh dear.
Oh dear.
Ellis, must be her fiancée, poor man.
Just get out of here.
Alright.
No more Mr.
Nice Man.
Now see there you go again jumping to conclusions.
You really need to work on controlling your temper.
The guy picks you up in the street I have a right to know who he is.
Is that asking to much? Dear, if I knew his name I would tell you.
You don't even know his name? Well, I really didn't think it would be appropriate to ask.
After all I hardly know him and I did have a few other things on my mind.
- I just wanna - I mean we are getting married tomorrow.
I just wanna know what happen, okay? What happen.
Nothing dear.
But if it'll make you happy I promise never to see the man again.
Ah, Miss Burns, uh, I just realized I made a mistake in delivering that letter to you.
Another guy sending you letters? Uh, no, if I could explain Don't you lie to me.
You said you gave it to her.
I'm sure it's just an innocent infatuation, dear.
Isn't that true? No.
What? Really? How long has this been going on? Just since this morning.
If you don't believe that then I don't know what else to say.
Oh there's my cab.
Would you please explain it to him? Well, I would like to explain it to someone.
Thank you.
You see sir, all I'm attempting to do is deliver a letter to you.
Then give me the letter.
Oh dear, uh, she took it with here didn't she? This really is not going particularly well.
If you will excuse me sir I have to pursue your fiancée otherwise I might not be able to catch her.
And I Thank you kindly for your patience.
Ma'am! We have to follow her.
Who? She's in that cab.
See if you can catch her.
What was that all about? Follow her.
Oh come on, Nigel, not again.
If there's nothing going on, she's got nothing to worry about, right? Just follow her.
Excuse me sir, if there's nothing else I'll be leaving sir.
Alright dear Mrs.
McDuffy.
Thank you.
I think she's just up ahead.
Fraser, why are we following this woman.
You delivered the right envelope to the wrong person at the right address.
In my book two out of three is pretty damn good.
The Consulate line is still busy.
[Basketball game reporter.]
come on, did you see that! No! No! I didn't see it.
Why? Because I'm not at home, that's why.
Here give me that form, I'll sign it.
What's his name? N.
J.
Ellis but I don't think that would be acceptable.
Nigel J.
Ellis? You know him? Yeah, Ellis disposal.
The guys dirtier than the garbage he hauls.
Toxic spills, illegal dumping.
We tried to nail him but he's got so many politicians in his pocket he walks with a limp.
I can't believe that's the guy you're delivery invasion plans too.
I can't believe it's the same person.
Oh, there.
There.
There she is.
I promise you I won't be more than one minute.
Commentate.
You're the commentator! I told you, I have to pick up the license now, the wedding is tomorrow.
And I've told you I can't issue it unless both parties are present.
Well, if you don't issue it, we can't get married and since we're getting married tomorrow you have very little choice in the matter.
I don't know why you can't see that.
You see where it says : "Bride and Groom must appear in person?" If you keep repeating yourself we're not going to get anywhere.
Excuse me.
Oh God! Don't' tell me you want you're letter back.
If you would just look in your purse.
I think you wrote a phone number on it.
This your fiancée? Oh, don't be ridiculous, does he look like my fiancée? Then I'll have to ask you to step aside so I can help these people.
Okay, fine.
If you don't want him, I'll take him.
- Honey! - Look at him! You see what you did? Well, I fail to understand how my not being your fiancée prevented you from getting your license.
Oh that's ridiculous, if you were my fiancée I'd have the license right now wouldn't I and they say men are the logical one.
Alright, you'll just have to do it.
I'm sorry, do what? The office closes in fifteen minutes.
Nigel can't get down here in that time, you'll just have to tell them you're my fiancée.
No, I couldn't do that.
You want your letter back? Well, yes, but I'm not about to lie to a public official.
Alright, then don't say anything.
I'll do the talking.
Excuse me, I found my fiancée.
You just told me he wasn't your fiancée.
I was mistaken.
I didn't recognize him.
What's your name? He can't hear you, he's mute.
I believe you mean deaf.
Oh yes, thank you sweetheart.
You're marrying a deaf-mute Mountie and you didn't recognize him? Perhaps I can explain.
If he's deaf-mute, why is he talking? Now you're criticizing the handicapped? Well, I think your superior will be very interested to know that you refuse to give marriage certificates to the physically challenged.
God knows their lives are difficult enough without insensitive bureaucrats like yourself preventing them from getting married.
And if that's not enough Alright, alright, alright just take the damned thing.
Oh, thank you, that's very sweet of you.
Thank you kindly.
Excuse me ma'am, you forgot to Ray, I wonder if you followed Yes.
If you want to go home Ray Na, Na, I'm having the time of my life! I should be just a minute.
No, no I probably won't you better go home.
No! Wait! Ray? If you could drop by the Consulate and just explain to them that I'll be a little late.
Thank you kindly Ray! Yeah, Nigel it's me, yeah, she's alone.
She's here and she's alone.
Now can I get out of here? I'm telling you it's a waste of yeah, fine.
I'll stick around.
Yeah.
I don't recall saying anything about a hoop.
Oh yes, I remember it was on the twelfth fitting you said put a hoop in it.
Oh, don't be ridiculous, why would I say such a thing.
Perhaps because you wanted a hoop.
You see I wrote hoop here.
Well, maybe you wanted a hoop, it's your writing.
How could it be what I wanted when I don't want it.
That doesn't make any sense now does it? Which is why I didn't put a hoop in it.
Oh, how cleaver of you.
Should I try it on? Why not? May I help you? Yes, I'm looking for a woman.
A particular woman.
Her name is Miss Burns.
Would you happen to know if she's here? I haven't any idea.
I don't work here.
Then how could you possibly help me? - Are you Miss Burns fiancée? - No.
You must be very pleased.
She's in the fitting room.
Thank you.
Uh, Miss Burns, it's Constable Fraser.
You know, there's a very thin line between persistence and obsession.
Well, I-I'm afraid you forgot to give me the letter.
Oh no! That man works for my fiancée.
Which man? There.
Oh this is not good.
This is not good at all.
Ah, Miss Burns! It's me Perry.
Which Perry is that? Perry, Perry ma'am.
Oh! Perry! What a pleasant surprise! What are you doing here? I'm following you ma'am.
Oh, this is great.
All I need is just for him to find you here.
I'll just explain to him You met Nigel you think you can explain it to him? Who you talking to ma'am? Oh, you Perry.
There doesn't appear to be any way out of here.
- Get under my dress.
- What?! Get under my dress.
You want me to get under your wedding dress? Yes! Isn't that bad luck? Will you hurry up? Oh no, I'm quite sure most folk lore If Nigel finds you in here he'll kill us both.
Right.
I don't want to have to come in there ma'am but I promised your fiancée that Oh, hello Perry.
How are you? Fine, Miss Burns.
It looks lovely.
I just want to see how it moves.
- Sorry.
- Sh! You'll have to steer, I have my eyes closed.
Sh.
Nigel? I got some bad news.
Is he following us? I can't see anything.
Your fiancée he wouldn't be Nigel Ellis of Ellis Sanitation.
You know him? Only by reputation.
Oh, he's usually a very sweet man.
It's just that when he gets jealous, there's no reasoning with him.
Well, you know what the Swiss are like.
Canadian Consulate.
Consulat du Canada.
[French.]
Bonjour, Please hold.
Attendez it, s'il vous plaît.
[French.]
Excuse me, I Canadian Consulate.
Consulat du Canada.
Good Afternoon, Bonjour, Please hold.
Attendez it, s'il vous plaît.
[French.]
Hi, I'd like to Canadian Consulate.
Consulat du Canada.
Good Afternoon! Bonjour! Please hold, Attendez, s'il vous plaît.
Thank you for holding.
Merci pour l'attendez.
[French.]
I'm sorry, I don't speak French.
Je ne parle pas le français.
Dear Canadians.
Constable Fraser will be a little arriving any minute.
Where the hell is he? I haven't been able to reach him sir How long does it take to do a simple task? He said he'd be back soon, sir.
Well, if he's not here in five minutes, he doesn't have to bother showing up at all.
No more excuses.
I will not be made to look like a fool.
Trouble.
I have the emperors clothes.
He's here sir.
Well, it's about time! Sh.
I can't believe he had me followed.
I mean what does he think I'm going to run off and have an affair the day before we get married? I've never given him one reason to suspect me.
Well, I'm not sure I was entirely hidden under your dress.
I mean even if I was a little bit attracted to you, I haven't acted on it have I? No-no-no.
You've been -- but this is something that you could possibly misinterpret.
I mean, not that I am attracted to you.
No, I understand.
What am I going to do? I can't go home until he calms down.
And we can't just keep driving around.
Well, you must have some friends.
In Connecticut.
What about family.
Hong Kong, Gestad, Portoffino and Terminal Island.
Uh, tax evasion.
It's all a misunderstanding.
I-I can see how that can happen.
Now we'll just have to go to your place.
No! I don't think that would be a very good idea.
You don't? No! I have a wolf.
Oh.
Shame.
Could you recommend a hotel? Yeah, I know just the place.
Should I wait until No.
That's okay.
Oh, you almost forgot your letter.
Oh, thank you.
You're not going to come back and ask me for it again, are you? - No ma'am.
- Oh.
Oh.
I was sorta getting used to it.
Goodbye.
Goodbye.
Thank you.
Where to? The Canadian Consulate.
We have to go back.
'Beautiful newlywed Suites' I believe you have a Katherine Burns registered here? I figured you'd be here soon.
Can't have a honeymoon without a groom.
Oh, no, no.
I'm not the groom.
My name is Constable Benton Fraser, Royal Canadian Mounted The Mountie and the damsel in distress.
My wife and I used to play that.
Uh, perhaps if I showed you my I.
D.
Oh no-no no-no no need.
I booked you into the honeymoon suit.
Heart shaped waterbed, private lava pool and complimentary champagne and oysters.
You see it says right here "RCMP".
Nice touch.
No, you don't understand.
No, no.
Have a good night.
Thank you.
- Bernie, what does that remind you of? - DeBuke? Miss Burns? I don't need any more champagne.
Thank you these two are quite enough.
No, it's me Constable Fraser.
I'm afraid you gave me the wrong letter.
Oh, I was hoping you'd say that! Uh, no, I , uh, think you are misreading Where are they? Honeymoon suite.
Come on Nigel, let's go home, huh? She isn't worth it! Out of the way.
Nigel, Don't listen to me.
Come on, I'm serious man.
Alright.
It seems to be stuck on the material.
Perhaps I could get one of the maids to You know what I'm thinking Constable? Oh, there we go.
It would serve him right if I did have an affair.
No, that's just not gonna come off.
Well, goodnight now.
What about your letter.
Uh, it's not very important.
Won't you at least have one drink with me? Well, thank you but I don't drink.
This door seems to be locked.
Ah, yes.
Safety first.
Perhaps I'll check the fire routes.
You don't even drink champagne? No, I just never felt the need.
You see I think all to often people drink in order to escape from uhh Well, uh, perhaps just one bottle.
That one's empty.
The other ones by the bed.
But we really should discuss this.
You see in times of emotional stress people tend to act irrational.
You seem to be under a lot of stress yourself.
Well, that me be so.
So you may be acting irrationally.
Oh dear! I sense you lied about my zipper.
Thank God! She loves me, she loves me not.
Nigel? Is that you? Jump! I think we're safe.
Oh, I could be mistaken.
Oh! Oh! I think the worse of it is over.
Coffee break.
My mother wanted me to wear her wedding dress.
Of course, always the rebel I had to go out and have my own made.
Now look at it.
Well, you know, dry cleaners can do uh absolutely nothing with that.
I can't believe I'm spending the eve of my wedding riding in a garbage truck with a total stranger.
I just tried to seduce in order to escape being shot by my fiancée.
I mean it doesn't get much worse than that does it? Unfortunately it may.
We haven't picked up any more garbage.
Oh, not having garbage dumped on us is a bad thing? In out care, yes.
It means the truck has finished it's rounds and it should be returning to the city dump.
Which means it should be going due South.
Like my life.
But we've been traveling consistency northwest.
I think someone's commandeered this vehicle.
Oh.
- [game is still on: game like this in my life!.]
- Yeah, me neither.
Do you know what the score is? Shut up and get inside.
Come on, come on ain't got all night! Let's go! Mental note.
Send Fraser north for a little R & R I think he's been spending too much time with the Chicago policeman.
What are you looking at? You've never seen a Canadian before? How does he do this all day? And where the hell is he? Something must have gone wrong.
He'd never be this late.
What's the matter, your arms broken? Open the door yourself! Let me think this through.
Fraser were with a beautiful woman, where would he end up? No,no,no that's you and me.
Come on, think.
Okay, what is the most unglamorous unromantic place you could possibly take a woman? Oh, come on.
A garbage truck? Not even Fraser is that Hold on Benny! Tell me something Constable.
Why is it everywhere I go disaster follows.
Maybe it's the company you keep.
I sure know how to pick em, don't I? Wee, I don't really know Nigel so it wouldn't be fair for me What's wrong with you? A man is trying to kill you.
You're suppose to hate him! A woman throws herself at you, you're suppose to you're suppose to do something.
Miss Burns, you are engaged to be married.
Were you always so good and honorable and perfect and what the hell are you doing? It's just a loose thread.
You wouldn't happen to have a pair of scissors of course not.
Just yank it off.
Well, the button might fall off.
It's a button.
Take a risk! Alright! Huh.
Oh.
Don't you ever do anything reckless or stupid or wild? No.
Oh no.
I guess that's what first attracted me to Nigel.
He was just so dangerous I can see how you'd find that exciting.
On our first date it was January and we drove to Atlantic City with the top down.
He took me to this high stakes crap game in the back of the bar and we drank much to much champagne.
And ended up jumping off the pier with all of our clothes on.
It was justit was romantic.
I thought I was in love once.
And then later I thought maybe it was just an inner ear imbalance We spent an evening snowed in on the side of a mountain watching the northern lights.
It was probably the most dramatic moment of my life.
But in the end I realized I'd learned two things.
The first is that it's easier to think you're in love than it is to accept that you're alone, and the second is that it's very easy to confuse love with subatomic particles bursting in the air.
Well, I also learned that I should have my ears checked more regularly.
Funny the things that attract you to somebody.
God I hate my life.
Good evening.
You got a lot of nerve, for a Canadian.
Ah yes, and it's quite reasonable that you're angry, given your understandable confusion but I love him! No she doesn't.
Yes I do.
No she doesn't.
She's just angry and attempting to make you jealous.
Which at this particular moment would seem to be a rather poor choice.
You know what? It worked.
Whoa! Detective Vecchio, Miss Burns.
Miss Burns, Diefenbaker.
Hello.
Congratulations.
Hear you're getting married.
Why do I never learn, Perry.
Shoot first, talk later.
Shoot first, talk later.
You don't want to know why I'm wearing your uniform? I just assumed it was something personal.
Come on Nigel, there are three of them now.
What are you going to do, kill them all because some woman was running around on you? Yeah, watch and learn.
Mr.
Ellis! I want to assure you Katherine has been completely faithful to you.
Except the part on the waterbed.
Waterbed? It was entirely innocent.
Yeah, big shock there.
Unfortunately if you don't believe this there's nothing I can say to convince you of it.
What? No Mountie stories? No Inuit tales? You can never know what's in another persons heart.
You can only know what's inside your own.
So look inside your heart, Mr.
Ellis.
Do you love Katherine? Why do you think I want to kill her? Ah.
That's it? Well, unfortunately there's nothing you can do to prove a virtue, Ray.
I'm out of shells.
Give me your gun.
No.
Second hoe.
No.
He's not going to listen to reason.
How many bullets you got left, Ray? One.
I'm not shoot my car.
I blew up the last one for you and I'm not doing it again.
Well, actually, that's not what I had in mind.
Good, cause I wasn't going to do it anyway.
Well, I know that, Ray what I had in mind was you and I creating some kind of diversion while Katherine made a run for that shoot over there and slide down to safety.
Well, unfortunately you're out of bullets.
I lied.
Oh well, in that case do you think you can get a clean shot of the rear bumper? No! - I said it can't be bro - No.
They look up here and see us like this, what are they going to think? Here's what we're going to do.
On the count of three, I'm gonna come up shooting.
You throw a head of lettuce or whatever you do and the lady runs for the log ride.
You Ready? One.
Two Oh, this is ridiculous.
Three.
You want to shoot me Nigel go ahead.
You say you love me then threaten to kill me.
I mean what the Hell does love mean to you? Just a bunch of particles bursting all over the place and when you try and touch it? There's nothing there.
That's not love Nigel, that's a light show! Um, perhaps I should explain what she's alluding to.
Well, what do you expect? Alright, look at you.
You're running around with this guy.
You're in - you're in the wedding dress.
I catch you in a motel together.
Come on.
I wasn't the one who didn't trust you.
Had you followed.
Do you know how that feels? To love someone who doesn't even trust you? You make me nuts.
I'm sorry, you know that.
You do that to me.
You make me crazy.
No, you do that to yourself.
You really didn't do anything with this guy in the red jacket there? I'm not gonna tell you, Nigel.
Tell him! You either believe me or you don't there's no way to prove a virtue.
Perhaps you should try.
Ok, I believe you, okay? I'm sorry, okay? You ever hear me say it before, Perry? - No.
- No, no, never before.
I-am-sorry okay? Come on baby, let's just go home.
We gotta get married.
Oh, thank you Nigel.
You don't know what that means to me.
Unfortunately I've realized I don't love you so, no.
What? What did you say? I stand up here, I pour my heart out to you.
I apologize to you.
I even offer to take you back and you throw it in my face.
Is that right Katherine? Well, guess what? To hell with you.
Hey, uh, I'm just along for the ride.
I can't believe you threw your hat.
Well, it's got an incredibly stiff brim.
It's actually We're in the middle of a crises and you throw your hat.
- I'm sorry, Ray.
- Hey! Look what I found.
Remarkable.
Would you sign for this please.
Good night ma'am.
Goodnight sir.
And don't try to tell me you were attempting to circle around behind him because you never showed up.
I thought you'd have nothing to say about that.
Am I too late? No.
no, uh, I think the band is still playing.
Nigel couldn't use it.
I was hoping maybe I could steal you away for a dance.
I'd love to but I Duty calls? Such as it is.
Well, maybe another time then.
That was quite the buffet.
No what I love most about Canadians? They're real easy to elbow out of the way.
What are you doing? Just a loose thread.
You wouldn't happen to have a Ray, could I impose upon you? Yeah, go ahead.
I'm kinda getting the hang of it anyway.
Thanks.
May I? - You folks have a good time tonight? - Yes, thank you.
That's great.
That's nice.
Excuse me, wait a second ma'am, do you have dinner rolls in that purse? Don't put under hood.
Yes sir, you - up against the car.
Come on, empty your pockets, let's go By : Reza Fa.
Many thanks to [duesouth.
blogfa.
com.]
for script.
The bases of all good diplomatic relationship isn't who you are, but who the other side thinks you are.
Now, I've worked very hard to create an image of Canadians we can all be proud of.
Yes sir.
You, on the other hand, have been doing everything in your power to wreak havoc on that image.
Sir? All this do-gooding, Constable.
Picking up litter, rescuing kittens, saving people's lives.
What sore of message do you suppose that sends to the Americans.
That we care sir? Exactly and people don't fear people who care.
I'm sorry, sir, I wasn't aware that we wanted the Americans to fear us.
That's what every country wants, Fraser.
No one takes you seriously if they think they can push you around.
Do you think I would have risen this high if people weren't afraid of me? When can it be ready? Wednesday.
Nonsense, I need it this afternoon.
I'll have to take em with me.
Well, get on with it man.
Get on with it! There, did you see that, Fraser? That's another American tailor that fears me.
I could see that, sir.
That's what Canada needs.
To be feared by tailors? Along with every other American.
Do we have a plan to accomplish this sir? Yes, but I'm not at liberty to reveal it at this moment.
The important thing is that you not undermine our efforts with all this nice guy stuff.
Yes sir.
As to my assignment.
Assignment Yes.
I need for you to handle and deliver a very important document.
Ah, now I don't want to say that the relationship between our two countries rests on it's safe arrival but if something were to go wrong, I can't speak as to the consequences.
It looks like a party invitation sir.
Clever, no? Just make sure someone gives you a uh, get a a Signature? Signature, yes.
and get the balloons on the way home.
We're counting on you doing your part to make sure our reception is a success.
You know your duties? Doorman, sir.
That what you do? Yes sir.
Well, keep up the good work.
Carry on.
Oh and Constable, God speed.
Thank you sir.
Oh.
I have to go out for awhile Diefenbaker on a very important assignment.
So what I'd suggest.
Is that you to just Diefenbaker? Oh please, don't do this to me now.
Dief? There's nothing more frustrating than playing hide and seek with a deaf wolf.
Jasmine, have you seen Diefenbaker? No Fraser, I haven't.
Ah, well, if you do would you tell him I had to go out for a while.
Sure thing.
Can I give you a hand across the road ma'am? Well, aren't you the kind young man.
Where you from? Well, ma'am, I'm fromI'd rather not say.
Je suis Katherine Could you tell me how to get to the nearest post office? - Two blocks up on your right.
- Bien et vous? I'm sorry, you'll have to speak up.
I'm trying to learn French and it's difficult to do two things at once, especially if they're in two different languages.
Two blocks up Oh, thanks anyway, I'll find it myself Oh damn.
"Fermez la porte Jacques.
Merci.
" "Fermez la porte Jacques.
Merci" Oh, I beg your pardon.
Oof! What in God's name do you baby think you're doing right in broad daylight! I don't know where you get the idea that you can just do what ever you please.
Well, you just tackled the wrong woman, mister.
Well, actually I think you misunderstand I misunderstand? Oh that's very nice.
That's very nice that you accuse me of not understanding.
I'm too rash, too emotional, incapable of reason, huh? - Well, no, I didn't mean that.
What I meant was - Well, let me tell you something about me.
When I want something, I ask, when somebody says something, I listen.
I don't grab people and throw them to the ground when they're trying to learn French and if I do, Well, at least I apologize.
Well, I-I-I'm terribly sorry but you misunderstand, you see you were about to be hit by a truck.
Oh.
Why didn't you just say that in the first place, I'm not a mind reader.
Oh dear.
Um DUE SOUTH S01E18 "An invitation to romance" Excuse me did you happen to see a young lady with a bright blue jacket and a floral skirt carrying a -- post office.
Thank you, thank you kindly.
Oh, that's very kind of you.
Excuse me, you don't mind if I cut in do you? I'm getting married tomorrow.
Oh, thank you.
- Excuse me.
- Oh hello.
This is that man I was telling you about.
Hello.
Would you mind if I went in front of you? I'm getting married tomorrow and I'm running very late.
Oh, thank you.
I'm afraid you have my letter.
Your letter? Oh no, These are my letters.
Don't you remember they fell when you tackled me.
Uh, no, you see I had a letter also only mine didn't have a stamp on it.
Oh, then you're in the wrong line.
You buy stamps over there.
- Excuse me sir.
- Yeah, yeah, go ahead.
Oh, thanks.
Uh, no actually you don't understand.
Or rather, let me think of another way of saying this Excuse me.
Yeah, Sure.
Now you see Hey, hey, wait your turn, buddy! You know I really don't think you should be cutting in front of all these nice people.
They were generous enough to let me pass but I'm afraid you're upsetting them.
Oh here, I'll mail it for you.
Well, that's very kind of you but actually I need my letter back.
But you just gave it to me.
Just a second, this is my letter.
Well, yes, it is What were you doing with my letter? Oh, you're following me aren't you.
Exactly.
Oh, well, that's very flattering but I have to tell you that I'm already spoken for.
And I'm afraid my fiancée is very jealous.
So I think it's best if we never see each other again.
I appreciate this Ray.
Let me get the door for you.
Look he's a Mountie, okay? Mounties do not lie.
If he says it's his letter, it's his letter.
I don't care if he's Sgt.
Preston, he's not getting the letter.
Ray perhaps Benny, let me handle this, alright? - Let me see your driver's license, pal.
- Hey, - He Looks like a - hey, over here.
Come here.
- Look, Once the letter departed it becomes government Are you looking for a letter from the Canadian Consulate? Yes.
Oh, no, I wouldn't want you to get into any trouble.
I get off at four.
Well, then I won't keep you.
You must have a lot to do.
Thank you kindly.
So how many times do I have to tell you it can't be done.
Yeah well, if I find your mail truck parked in front of a hydrant, don't expect me to cut you any slack.
There's absolutely no way to get that letter back.
It's alright, Ray.
How did you do that? Did I mention it's my day off? Several times.
Consulate line is still busy.
I thought I did, but then I became confused when I found myself driving around delivering mail.
Well, this isn't just mail Ray, this is a highly sensitive Canadian document.
Oh! You guys planning an invasion? Well, I'm not entirely sure.
I think I may have said too much already.
Well, don't do it today alright? Cause I'm going to be sitting on my couch enjoying the basketball game and the tip off's in five minutes.
wouldn't be on your way home would it? No.
I'll just be a minute.
Alright, I'm counting down Fraser.
One, two, three, four Technically that's counting up.
Get the hell out of here -- nine, ten.
This is the place.
Third trip today.
I don't understand what the problem is.
What are you doing here? I am as surprised as you are ma'am.
Delivery for Ellis, where do you want em? Oh, any where.
Please you have to go away.
No, of course not you.
You are away.
Do you not understand nothing.
Allow me to explain.
I have a letter Oh? The one you accused me of taking? Yes.
You see you had it all along.
Well, let's just say you apologized and leave it at that shall we? No! No, you see I have to deliver it into the hands You want to give it to me? Oh, no, we've been through that already, I'm not going to take it a second time.
Yes, I'm still here.
Listen, we both know why you're doing this and if I was available I might be intrigued but I'm not so you'll just have to leave.
I honestly didn't know this was your address.
Don't be ridiculous, it's written right there on the envelope.
Ma'am, all I want to do is deliver this letter Alright, I'll take your letter but no matter how well it's written, I'm not going to change my mind.
I'm getting married tomorrow.
Yes, I know you know that.
Alright, I'll be there at two.
Oh -- but just give me your number incase I get lost.
Do you have a pen? Yes.
And if you could just sign? - Oh dear, what was the number? - 555-0866.
How do you know the number of my bridal shop? Well, I didn't know it was the number of your bridal shop.
Oh, so you just pulled that number right out of the air.
Okay, here, now is there anything else? Uh, no and I assure you ma'am Who's down there? Oh, no, now you've done it.
If my fiancée finds you here, he'll never understand.
He's very jealous.
Well, there's absolutely no reason for Well, then you're a lot more broad minded then he is.
Bye bye now.
Have you seen our wedding license application dear? I thought I put it oh, here it is.
Who was that? Oh, no one dear.
A Mountie.
He means nothing to me.
And what's that suppose to mean? He means nothing to you? You see an envelope with a number written on it? It was right here.
Just a second.
What did he want? You really have nothing to worry about.
He's a total stranger.
If I hadn't been lying on top of him, I hardly would have recognized him You were lying on top of him? What is the number of my bridal shop? Oh yes! Thank you sweetheart.
Wait, wait.
Forget about that.
What's this lying on top of who.
Now don't get all worked up.
He was just being a gentleman.
If he'd landed on top he would have crushed me.
You saw how big he was.
I'm sorry it took so long, Ray.
Miss Burns is not the easiest person to Oh dear.
Oh dear.
Ellis, must be her fiancée, poor man.
Just get out of here.
Alright.
No more Mr.
Nice Man.
Now see there you go again jumping to conclusions.
You really need to work on controlling your temper.
The guy picks you up in the street I have a right to know who he is.
Is that asking to much? Dear, if I knew his name I would tell you.
You don't even know his name? Well, I really didn't think it would be appropriate to ask.
After all I hardly know him and I did have a few other things on my mind.
- I just wanna - I mean we are getting married tomorrow.
I just wanna know what happen, okay? What happen.
Nothing dear.
But if it'll make you happy I promise never to see the man again.
Ah, Miss Burns, uh, I just realized I made a mistake in delivering that letter to you.
Another guy sending you letters? Uh, no, if I could explain Don't you lie to me.
You said you gave it to her.
I'm sure it's just an innocent infatuation, dear.
Isn't that true? No.
What? Really? How long has this been going on? Just since this morning.
If you don't believe that then I don't know what else to say.
Oh there's my cab.
Would you please explain it to him? Well, I would like to explain it to someone.
Thank you.
You see sir, all I'm attempting to do is deliver a letter to you.
Then give me the letter.
Oh dear, uh, she took it with here didn't she? This really is not going particularly well.
If you will excuse me sir I have to pursue your fiancée otherwise I might not be able to catch her.
And I Thank you kindly for your patience.
Ma'am! We have to follow her.
Who? She's in that cab.
See if you can catch her.
What was that all about? Follow her.
Oh come on, Nigel, not again.
If there's nothing going on, she's got nothing to worry about, right? Just follow her.
Excuse me sir, if there's nothing else I'll be leaving sir.
Alright dear Mrs.
McDuffy.
Thank you.
I think she's just up ahead.
Fraser, why are we following this woman.
You delivered the right envelope to the wrong person at the right address.
In my book two out of three is pretty damn good.
The Consulate line is still busy.
[Basketball game reporter.]
come on, did you see that! No! No! I didn't see it.
Why? Because I'm not at home, that's why.
Here give me that form, I'll sign it.
What's his name? N.
J.
Ellis but I don't think that would be acceptable.
Nigel J.
Ellis? You know him? Yeah, Ellis disposal.
The guys dirtier than the garbage he hauls.
Toxic spills, illegal dumping.
We tried to nail him but he's got so many politicians in his pocket he walks with a limp.
I can't believe that's the guy you're delivery invasion plans too.
I can't believe it's the same person.
Oh, there.
There.
There she is.
I promise you I won't be more than one minute.
Commentate.
You're the commentator! I told you, I have to pick up the license now, the wedding is tomorrow.
And I've told you I can't issue it unless both parties are present.
Well, if you don't issue it, we can't get married and since we're getting married tomorrow you have very little choice in the matter.
I don't know why you can't see that.
You see where it says : "Bride and Groom must appear in person?" If you keep repeating yourself we're not going to get anywhere.
Excuse me.
Oh God! Don't' tell me you want you're letter back.
If you would just look in your purse.
I think you wrote a phone number on it.
This your fiancée? Oh, don't be ridiculous, does he look like my fiancée? Then I'll have to ask you to step aside so I can help these people.
Okay, fine.
If you don't want him, I'll take him.
- Honey! - Look at him! You see what you did? Well, I fail to understand how my not being your fiancée prevented you from getting your license.
Oh that's ridiculous, if you were my fiancée I'd have the license right now wouldn't I and they say men are the logical one.
Alright, you'll just have to do it.
I'm sorry, do what? The office closes in fifteen minutes.
Nigel can't get down here in that time, you'll just have to tell them you're my fiancée.
No, I couldn't do that.
You want your letter back? Well, yes, but I'm not about to lie to a public official.
Alright, then don't say anything.
I'll do the talking.
Excuse me, I found my fiancée.
You just told me he wasn't your fiancée.
I was mistaken.
I didn't recognize him.
What's your name? He can't hear you, he's mute.
I believe you mean deaf.
Oh yes, thank you sweetheart.
You're marrying a deaf-mute Mountie and you didn't recognize him? Perhaps I can explain.
If he's deaf-mute, why is he talking? Now you're criticizing the handicapped? Well, I think your superior will be very interested to know that you refuse to give marriage certificates to the physically challenged.
God knows their lives are difficult enough without insensitive bureaucrats like yourself preventing them from getting married.
And if that's not enough Alright, alright, alright just take the damned thing.
Oh, thank you, that's very sweet of you.
Thank you kindly.
Excuse me ma'am, you forgot to Ray, I wonder if you followed Yes.
If you want to go home Ray Na, Na, I'm having the time of my life! I should be just a minute.
No, no I probably won't you better go home.
No! Wait! Ray? If you could drop by the Consulate and just explain to them that I'll be a little late.
Thank you kindly Ray! Yeah, Nigel it's me, yeah, she's alone.
She's here and she's alone.
Now can I get out of here? I'm telling you it's a waste of yeah, fine.
I'll stick around.
Yeah.
I don't recall saying anything about a hoop.
Oh yes, I remember it was on the twelfth fitting you said put a hoop in it.
Oh, don't be ridiculous, why would I say such a thing.
Perhaps because you wanted a hoop.
You see I wrote hoop here.
Well, maybe you wanted a hoop, it's your writing.
How could it be what I wanted when I don't want it.
That doesn't make any sense now does it? Which is why I didn't put a hoop in it.
Oh, how cleaver of you.
Should I try it on? Why not? May I help you? Yes, I'm looking for a woman.
A particular woman.
Her name is Miss Burns.
Would you happen to know if she's here? I haven't any idea.
I don't work here.
Then how could you possibly help me? - Are you Miss Burns fiancée? - No.
You must be very pleased.
She's in the fitting room.
Thank you.
Uh, Miss Burns, it's Constable Fraser.
You know, there's a very thin line between persistence and obsession.
Well, I-I'm afraid you forgot to give me the letter.
Oh no! That man works for my fiancée.
Which man? There.
Oh this is not good.
This is not good at all.
Ah, Miss Burns! It's me Perry.
Which Perry is that? Perry, Perry ma'am.
Oh! Perry! What a pleasant surprise! What are you doing here? I'm following you ma'am.
Oh, this is great.
All I need is just for him to find you here.
I'll just explain to him You met Nigel you think you can explain it to him? Who you talking to ma'am? Oh, you Perry.
There doesn't appear to be any way out of here.
- Get under my dress.
- What?! Get under my dress.
You want me to get under your wedding dress? Yes! Isn't that bad luck? Will you hurry up? Oh no, I'm quite sure most folk lore If Nigel finds you in here he'll kill us both.
Right.
I don't want to have to come in there ma'am but I promised your fiancée that Oh, hello Perry.
How are you? Fine, Miss Burns.
It looks lovely.
I just want to see how it moves.
- Sorry.
- Sh! You'll have to steer, I have my eyes closed.
Sh.
Nigel? I got some bad news.
Is he following us? I can't see anything.
Your fiancée he wouldn't be Nigel Ellis of Ellis Sanitation.
You know him? Only by reputation.
Oh, he's usually a very sweet man.
It's just that when he gets jealous, there's no reasoning with him.
Well, you know what the Swiss are like.
Canadian Consulate.
Consulat du Canada.
[French.]
Bonjour, Please hold.
Attendez it, s'il vous plaît.
[French.]
Excuse me, I Canadian Consulate.
Consulat du Canada.
Good Afternoon, Bonjour, Please hold.
Attendez it, s'il vous plaît.
[French.]
Hi, I'd like to Canadian Consulate.
Consulat du Canada.
Good Afternoon! Bonjour! Please hold, Attendez, s'il vous plaît.
Thank you for holding.
Merci pour l'attendez.
[French.]
I'm sorry, I don't speak French.
Je ne parle pas le français.
Dear Canadians.
Constable Fraser will be a little arriving any minute.
Where the hell is he? I haven't been able to reach him sir How long does it take to do a simple task? He said he'd be back soon, sir.
Well, if he's not here in five minutes, he doesn't have to bother showing up at all.
No more excuses.
I will not be made to look like a fool.
Trouble.
I have the emperors clothes.
He's here sir.
Well, it's about time! Sh.
I can't believe he had me followed.
I mean what does he think I'm going to run off and have an affair the day before we get married? I've never given him one reason to suspect me.
Well, I'm not sure I was entirely hidden under your dress.
I mean even if I was a little bit attracted to you, I haven't acted on it have I? No-no-no.
You've been -- but this is something that you could possibly misinterpret.
I mean, not that I am attracted to you.
No, I understand.
What am I going to do? I can't go home until he calms down.
And we can't just keep driving around.
Well, you must have some friends.
In Connecticut.
What about family.
Hong Kong, Gestad, Portoffino and Terminal Island.
Uh, tax evasion.
It's all a misunderstanding.
I-I can see how that can happen.
Now we'll just have to go to your place.
No! I don't think that would be a very good idea.
You don't? No! I have a wolf.
Oh.
Shame.
Could you recommend a hotel? Yeah, I know just the place.
Should I wait until No.
That's okay.
Oh, you almost forgot your letter.
Oh, thank you.
You're not going to come back and ask me for it again, are you? - No ma'am.
- Oh.
Oh.
I was sorta getting used to it.
Goodbye.
Goodbye.
Thank you.
Where to? The Canadian Consulate.
We have to go back.
'Beautiful newlywed Suites' I believe you have a Katherine Burns registered here? I figured you'd be here soon.
Can't have a honeymoon without a groom.
Oh, no, no.
I'm not the groom.
My name is Constable Benton Fraser, Royal Canadian Mounted The Mountie and the damsel in distress.
My wife and I used to play that.
Uh, perhaps if I showed you my I.
D.
Oh no-no no-no no need.
I booked you into the honeymoon suit.
Heart shaped waterbed, private lava pool and complimentary champagne and oysters.
You see it says right here "RCMP".
Nice touch.
No, you don't understand.
No, no.
Have a good night.
Thank you.
- Bernie, what does that remind you of? - DeBuke? Miss Burns? I don't need any more champagne.
Thank you these two are quite enough.
No, it's me Constable Fraser.
I'm afraid you gave me the wrong letter.
Oh, I was hoping you'd say that! Uh, no, I , uh, think you are misreading Where are they? Honeymoon suite.
Come on Nigel, let's go home, huh? She isn't worth it! Out of the way.
Nigel, Don't listen to me.
Come on, I'm serious man.
Alright.
It seems to be stuck on the material.
Perhaps I could get one of the maids to You know what I'm thinking Constable? Oh, there we go.
It would serve him right if I did have an affair.
No, that's just not gonna come off.
Well, goodnight now.
What about your letter.
Uh, it's not very important.
Won't you at least have one drink with me? Well, thank you but I don't drink.
This door seems to be locked.
Ah, yes.
Safety first.
Perhaps I'll check the fire routes.
You don't even drink champagne? No, I just never felt the need.
You see I think all to often people drink in order to escape from uhh Well, uh, perhaps just one bottle.
That one's empty.
The other ones by the bed.
But we really should discuss this.
You see in times of emotional stress people tend to act irrational.
You seem to be under a lot of stress yourself.
Well, that me be so.
So you may be acting irrationally.
Oh dear! I sense you lied about my zipper.
Thank God! She loves me, she loves me not.
Nigel? Is that you? Jump! I think we're safe.
Oh, I could be mistaken.
Oh! Oh! I think the worse of it is over.
Coffee break.
My mother wanted me to wear her wedding dress.
Of course, always the rebel I had to go out and have my own made.
Now look at it.
Well, you know, dry cleaners can do uh absolutely nothing with that.
I can't believe I'm spending the eve of my wedding riding in a garbage truck with a total stranger.
I just tried to seduce in order to escape being shot by my fiancée.
I mean it doesn't get much worse than that does it? Unfortunately it may.
We haven't picked up any more garbage.
Oh, not having garbage dumped on us is a bad thing? In out care, yes.
It means the truck has finished it's rounds and it should be returning to the city dump.
Which means it should be going due South.
Like my life.
But we've been traveling consistency northwest.
I think someone's commandeered this vehicle.
Oh.
- [game is still on: game like this in my life!.]
- Yeah, me neither.
Do you know what the score is? Shut up and get inside.
Come on, come on ain't got all night! Let's go! Mental note.
Send Fraser north for a little R & R I think he's been spending too much time with the Chicago policeman.
What are you looking at? You've never seen a Canadian before? How does he do this all day? And where the hell is he? Something must have gone wrong.
He'd never be this late.
What's the matter, your arms broken? Open the door yourself! Let me think this through.
Fraser were with a beautiful woman, where would he end up? No,no,no that's you and me.
Come on, think.
Okay, what is the most unglamorous unromantic place you could possibly take a woman? Oh, come on.
A garbage truck? Not even Fraser is that Hold on Benny! Tell me something Constable.
Why is it everywhere I go disaster follows.
Maybe it's the company you keep.
I sure know how to pick em, don't I? Wee, I don't really know Nigel so it wouldn't be fair for me What's wrong with you? A man is trying to kill you.
You're suppose to hate him! A woman throws herself at you, you're suppose to you're suppose to do something.
Miss Burns, you are engaged to be married.
Were you always so good and honorable and perfect and what the hell are you doing? It's just a loose thread.
You wouldn't happen to have a pair of scissors of course not.
Just yank it off.
Well, the button might fall off.
It's a button.
Take a risk! Alright! Huh.
Oh.
Don't you ever do anything reckless or stupid or wild? No.
Oh no.
I guess that's what first attracted me to Nigel.
He was just so dangerous I can see how you'd find that exciting.
On our first date it was January and we drove to Atlantic City with the top down.
He took me to this high stakes crap game in the back of the bar and we drank much to much champagne.
And ended up jumping off the pier with all of our clothes on.
It was justit was romantic.
I thought I was in love once.
And then later I thought maybe it was just an inner ear imbalance We spent an evening snowed in on the side of a mountain watching the northern lights.
It was probably the most dramatic moment of my life.
But in the end I realized I'd learned two things.
The first is that it's easier to think you're in love than it is to accept that you're alone, and the second is that it's very easy to confuse love with subatomic particles bursting in the air.
Well, I also learned that I should have my ears checked more regularly.
Funny the things that attract you to somebody.
God I hate my life.
Good evening.
You got a lot of nerve, for a Canadian.
Ah yes, and it's quite reasonable that you're angry, given your understandable confusion but I love him! No she doesn't.
Yes I do.
No she doesn't.
She's just angry and attempting to make you jealous.
Which at this particular moment would seem to be a rather poor choice.
You know what? It worked.
Whoa! Detective Vecchio, Miss Burns.
Miss Burns, Diefenbaker.
Hello.
Congratulations.
Hear you're getting married.
Why do I never learn, Perry.
Shoot first, talk later.
Shoot first, talk later.
You don't want to know why I'm wearing your uniform? I just assumed it was something personal.
Come on Nigel, there are three of them now.
What are you going to do, kill them all because some woman was running around on you? Yeah, watch and learn.
Mr.
Ellis! I want to assure you Katherine has been completely faithful to you.
Except the part on the waterbed.
Waterbed? It was entirely innocent.
Yeah, big shock there.
Unfortunately if you don't believe this there's nothing I can say to convince you of it.
What? No Mountie stories? No Inuit tales? You can never know what's in another persons heart.
You can only know what's inside your own.
So look inside your heart, Mr.
Ellis.
Do you love Katherine? Why do you think I want to kill her? Ah.
That's it? Well, unfortunately there's nothing you can do to prove a virtue, Ray.
I'm out of shells.
Give me your gun.
No.
Second hoe.
No.
He's not going to listen to reason.
How many bullets you got left, Ray? One.
I'm not shoot my car.
I blew up the last one for you and I'm not doing it again.
Well, actually, that's not what I had in mind.
Good, cause I wasn't going to do it anyway.
Well, I know that, Ray what I had in mind was you and I creating some kind of diversion while Katherine made a run for that shoot over there and slide down to safety.
Well, unfortunately you're out of bullets.
I lied.
Oh well, in that case do you think you can get a clean shot of the rear bumper? No! - I said it can't be bro - No.
They look up here and see us like this, what are they going to think? Here's what we're going to do.
On the count of three, I'm gonna come up shooting.
You throw a head of lettuce or whatever you do and the lady runs for the log ride.
You Ready? One.
Two Oh, this is ridiculous.
Three.
You want to shoot me Nigel go ahead.
You say you love me then threaten to kill me.
I mean what the Hell does love mean to you? Just a bunch of particles bursting all over the place and when you try and touch it? There's nothing there.
That's not love Nigel, that's a light show! Um, perhaps I should explain what she's alluding to.
Well, what do you expect? Alright, look at you.
You're running around with this guy.
You're in - you're in the wedding dress.
I catch you in a motel together.
Come on.
I wasn't the one who didn't trust you.
Had you followed.
Do you know how that feels? To love someone who doesn't even trust you? You make me nuts.
I'm sorry, you know that.
You do that to me.
You make me crazy.
No, you do that to yourself.
You really didn't do anything with this guy in the red jacket there? I'm not gonna tell you, Nigel.
Tell him! You either believe me or you don't there's no way to prove a virtue.
Perhaps you should try.
Ok, I believe you, okay? I'm sorry, okay? You ever hear me say it before, Perry? - No.
- No, no, never before.
I-am-sorry okay? Come on baby, let's just go home.
We gotta get married.
Oh, thank you Nigel.
You don't know what that means to me.
Unfortunately I've realized I don't love you so, no.
What? What did you say? I stand up here, I pour my heart out to you.
I apologize to you.
I even offer to take you back and you throw it in my face.
Is that right Katherine? Well, guess what? To hell with you.
Hey, uh, I'm just along for the ride.
I can't believe you threw your hat.
Well, it's got an incredibly stiff brim.
It's actually We're in the middle of a crises and you throw your hat.
- I'm sorry, Ray.
- Hey! Look what I found.
Remarkable.
Would you sign for this please.
Good night ma'am.
Goodnight sir.
And don't try to tell me you were attempting to circle around behind him because you never showed up.
I thought you'd have nothing to say about that.
Am I too late? No.
no, uh, I think the band is still playing.
Nigel couldn't use it.
I was hoping maybe I could steal you away for a dance.
I'd love to but I Duty calls? Such as it is.
Well, maybe another time then.
That was quite the buffet.
No what I love most about Canadians? They're real easy to elbow out of the way.
What are you doing? Just a loose thread.
You wouldn't happen to have a Ray, could I impose upon you? Yeah, go ahead.
I'm kinda getting the hang of it anyway.
Thanks.
May I? - You folks have a good time tonight? - Yes, thank you.
That's great.
That's nice.
Excuse me, wait a second ma'am, do you have dinner rolls in that purse? Don't put under hood.
Yes sir, you - up against the car.
Come on, empty your pockets, let's go By : Reza Fa.
Many thanks to [duesouth.
blogfa.
com.]
for script.