Duncanville (2020) s01e11 Episode Script

Classless President

1 Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪ Ooh! - Mommy! - Aaaaaaah! - Duncan! - Duncan! Mommy, I made you an ashtray in school today.
- Oh, it's lovely, but I don't smoke.
- Can you? My marshmallow cereal! That is my Sunday morning treat.
Back off! Raisins are your candy, old man.
I signed up for a school fundraiser and I have to sell $800 worth of cookies.
Dad, can I have $800? I don't have that kind of money.
I just gotta run to the ATM, princess.
- Jack, no.
- Please? The top four cookie sellers get a free ticket to Fun Place Amusement Park.
The ABC girls are always the top three.
Ashleigh, Brooke, and Courtney? They're the mean girls! Honey, it's mostly Ashleigh.
Brooke and Courtney just follow along.
Kimberly, why don't I just buy you a ticket to Fun Place? Let's see $60? What is this, Fun Place Orlando? Why are you trying to ruin my life? Don't you understand? You buy all my cookies, I get to spend the day with the ABCs, and they'll finally see how effortlessly cool I am! Effortless! Oh, no.
Our house is full of fundraising stuff you kids didn't sell that we ended up having to buy.
Magazines, wrapping paper, and those relentless parakeets.
- Oh, shut up! - You shut up! Mommy, there's a cookie truck outside.
Dreams do come true.
We are not accepting them.
Everyone be really quiet and pretend we're not home.
Dunkie, shut off the lights.
Duncan? Yes, I live here, and yes, I accept these.
Where do I sign? - Damn it, Duncan! - Damn it, Duncan! - I'm gonna kill those birds! - Bring it.
Yo, check out what this dude and Flo Rida taught his bears to do.
This is the hottest trash on YouTube.
- Oh, wow.
- Yeah! Floss it, bear! Floss it! Huh, look, I'm doing it! I'm still the only one running for student body president? No, that pointy dude is running.
That's the food pyramid.
You basically already won, 'cause the food pyramid sucks.
- That isn't a person.
- Are you sure? 'Cause I think he's in my history class.
Besides, I don't wanna win just because no one else is running.
The point of democracy is choice.
I'd run, but I'm not officially enrolled.
Why don't you run against me, Duncan? You could be the white guy I make history against.
I don't know.
Politics isn't my thing.
My passion is putting Dorito bags in the microwave so that they shrink into tiny Dorito bags.
- That sounds toxic.
- I know, right? Come on, debate me tomorrow.
It'll be fun, just you and me.
Just you and me Hi, I'm a struggling small business owner without any healthcare, and I'd like to see the candidates make out.
- Ooh, with pleash.
- Oh, my.
Democracy rules! All right, I'll date you.
I mean, debate you.
Enough politics.
Put those bears back on! Okay, I marked my wagon where it was scratched just so there's no misunderstandings.
Sign here and here, and initial here - to decline insurance.
- Ugh.
Can't read cursive, so I'm just gonna trust you.
Don't make me go sell these.
Just fake a home invasion and claim them on your insurance.
I'll even pistol whip you, Dad.
You'll be great, sweetie.
Just say hello, make a little friendly small talk, and don't you dare come home until you've sold every single crumb.
And smile! No teeth.
- Uh, don't knock on that door.
- Aren't you Ashleigh's dad? Please let me have this.
She's watching.
Ugh, hurry up! We've been doing this a half hour, and you've only sold 100 boxes! - Hi.
- Are you selling your own cookies? Ew.
Did you parents die? - Ew! - Would you like me more if they did? Sorry, honey.
They had a nut allergy.
You're a doctor.
Tell them they don't.
They're so horrible to their parents.
I could do that.
- Oh my God, was that scratch there? - Nope.
Relax, Duncan.
If you don't know the answer to something, just say pass.
Understand? - Pass.
- There you go.
Why do you wanna be president so bad? Isn't it enough just to be pretty and cute and good-looking? Don't you wanna improve the school and the lives of your fellow students? Nah.
No one in this school even knows who I am.
Half the kids think my name is Steve.
What up, students? You all think you're here for a Childish Gambino concert.
But that's just how I got you in the auditorium for class elections.
Boo! Here are your candidates for Student Body President: Duncan Harris and Mia Abara.
Pay attention, y'all.
This is the most important decision of your lives, because one of these two will be picking your prom theme.
That's what aged our last president so horribly.
Next week I get my learner's permit.
We'll start with opening statements.
Hit us, Mia.
Hi, everybody.
I won't bore you with my qualifications from my old school, where I was class president, secretary, co-chair student council, RA, TA, obviously honor roll, reluctant cheerleader, and ambassador - to our sister school in Brussels.
- And your time's up.
- Duncan? - Pass.
Mia, what's your idea for a prom theme? Honestly, I think prom is kind of an antiquated concept for our generation, so get this.
I'm thinking we could have a day of service where we put on overalls and clean up that river! Then we head over to the soup kitchen, and I yield my time.
Yeah, I have a question for Steve.
- His name is Duncan.
- No, it's Steve.
Steve, what are you gonna do about our crappy school lunches? I don't know, what do you guys want for lunch? - Soda! - Sheet cake! Okay, sure, whatever you want.
- We don't wanna take gym anymore! - Okay, no more gym.
You can't just eliminate programs because people I don't like having to be here at 8:00 a.
I miss the last three hours of the "Today Show"! - And that's when it gets cooking! - Yangzi.
The computer lab is always packed with nerds doing homework.
Computers are for games and online gambling and finding hot singles in your area! - You want full access to the dark web? - You got it.
Duncan, what are you saying? I don't know, but they like it.
You try something.
It's a hot crowd.
Everybody talks about the SATs, but what about the ACTs? Who's with me, huh? All right, thanks for that rousing debate.
As you know, we vote "Showtime at the Apollo" style.
Holler for Duncan.
Now for my girl Mia.
I live next to that smelly river.
Then give it up for your new student body president, Duncan Harris! Duncan, Duncan, Duncan! Duncan, Duncan, Duncan! - They know my name! - Power is so intoxicating.
- You forgot your lunch, Tyler.
- Mom, you're embarrassing me.
Student body president? You? - You? - You? - You? - This can't be real.
I'm gonna text Yangzi and find out.
- "U up?" - Mom, don't write that.
What? He might be taking a nap.
"Is D the prez? Hit me back.
" Let's see.
Thumbs up, eggplant, "Sorry," American flag.
That's a yes! Duncan, congratulations.
I always believed in you.
My son, the president? I'm posting this on Facebook.
I'll finally impress my distant racist cousins.
You have cousins? I wanna meet them.
Yeah, that's not gonna happen.
Gotta sucker Mom and Dad into selling these cookies.
What's the saddest thing I can think of? Me not getting what I want.
That's it.
Hey, there's our little business tycoon.
Come join us in a celebratory bag of rotisserie chicken.
I don't deserve bagged chicken.
I went to every house in town and didn't sell a single box of cookies.
The only reason I wanted to be popular was to make you guys proud.
I let you down, and I am so sorry.
I'm gonna go to my room and hold my breath till I fall asleep.
More bag juice for me.
Oh, poor Kimberly, so down on herself.
I can deal with her relentless anger, but her sadness is unbearable.
And I have never seen her say no to chicken juice.
And she didn't roll her eyes at me even though my pants were unzipped the entire time we were talking.
Maybe Operation Screw Our Damn Daughter was too harsh.
That's what we were calling it? Maybe it's time for Operation Help Our Damn Daughter.
Yeah, sometimes you gotta forget about making your kid a better person and just do what makes them temporarily happy.
Tomorrow, we blanket the town and we surprise Kimberly by selling every box of those cookies so she can be friends with those horrible mean girls.
Yes! I love it when we go against our better judgment! Great, now I'm so excited, I'll have to hold my breath to go to sleep.
Love you.
Hey, Duncan.
Wow, that election was nuts.
All those crazy promises.
Clean up the river? What were you thinking? Listen, I know you said politics wasn't your thing, and I'm sorry I dragged you into it.
So I've prepared a resignation letter for you that will let you quit with dignity.
You just have to sign it.
Sorry Mia, but the people have spoken.
Today is the beginning of a new era in education.
Install the nacho bar! So long, lettuce! Your gassy reign of terror is over! Science guys say that the human body is 60% water.
I say that's too much! You're really doing this? - He's no longer the man you knew.
- Hmm.
Wolf, cut down that rope.
You chafed my calves! You're the only reason I don't have a girlfriend! Your gassy reign of terror is over, rope! Bex, I really think you should see a doctor.
- Duncan Harris.
- Mia, you're just in time.
We're kicking this rope's ass.
I just went to Model UN, and the room's filled with colored balls.
It's a freaking ball pit.
Yeah, I came up with that idea when I was in a ball pit.
Ever since I was six, I knew I was gonna be valedictorian, go into prelaw, then law, then do some poorly paid legal charity work, become president of the United States, all culminating in me releasing my summer playlist on Spotify.
The point is, none of this will be possible - because you're ruining my plans! - You seem tense, Mia.
You should take a soak in the ball pit.
I thought you had a crush on me.
I do, but the school has a crush on me! This is the best spot in town to harass people.
You get them while their food's going bad and they just wanna get to their car.
Excuse me, this is our spot to harass people.
Back off, the planet will be here tomorrow! Our daughter is hurting today.
We'll take two boxes.
I'm sorry, little guys.
You came all this way for nothing.
And so, the penguins began their long journey home.
Facing certain death, but relieved that Kimberly was one step closer to being friends with Ashleigh, Brooke, and, of course, Courtney.
You know what goes well with milk? Cookies! You know what goes well with goggles and a suspicious amount of Sudafed? Macaroons? If it's macaroons, you gotta tell me.
It's macaroons! Awesome! Do you accept copper wire? You betcha.
I'm a chocolate chip cookie ♪ Eat me, eat me ♪ Dunk me in a glass of milk, I'm yummy in your tummy ♪ Yeah! Whoo! - Hey, that was a personal best.
- Where are all the other teachers? Duncan told them the basement was an escape room.
I haven't seen them since.
There's nothing in here.
Oh, wait.
How about this dead rat? Is that something? Did you know that the only way to check out anything from the library is to win a "John Wick" style book fight? Yeah, how do you think I got The Barefoot Contessa's "Cooking for Jeffrey"? I want what they have.
It's crazy the school charter gives Duncan the power to do this stuff.
The school charter was created during World War II.
Since all the men were overseas and the women were busy with their all-girl baseball league, the school gave wartime powers to teenagers.
Why didn't they take it back when the war was over? That's a story for another day.
45 minutes of prep time? Screw that.
We sold every box of Kimberly's cookies for her.
Even the terrible gluten-free ones.
So, I went on and on about how I couldn't sell the cookies and I even told them that I just wanted to make them proud.
And they totally fell for it.
It was so hard to keep a straight face because my dad's pants were unzipped the entire time.
And now they've sold all my cookies for me.
All right, I should go.
Call me back when you get this.
Siri, play danceable female empowerment anthem.
You blew me off and now your house is on fire ♪ She played us! We have to teach her a lesson.
Yeah! Let's burn her house down! - It's time for Operation - Wait, I wanna name this one.
Operation, um, D Dumbo Drop? Fine.
Commence Operation Dumbo Drop.
- Are you happy with yourself, Jack? - No, no, no.
It works.
She's being a Dumbo, and we've got to, uh, we've got to drop her.
You are crushing it as school prez, Duncan.
- Yeah, nacho bar's a hit.
- And the John Wick fights got kids going to the library again.
- Oof! "Two Towers"? - I wanted "Return of the King"! Duncan, you've made this the best school ever.
- Thanks.
- Is what we were saying yesterday.
But you know what would make it even better? If BTS were our janitors.
- I guess I can ask.
- And the school needs a pool.
We already have a pool.
Uh, not on the roof with robots that serve us.
- Huh? - And we don't wanna see any parts or gears, either.
Make them look real.
But not so real I fall in love with them.
Make us all quarterback of the football team! - Give me money! - Make Caitlin go to prom with me! Make Tommy stop asking me to prom! Change the name of the school to Yangzi U.
Heavy is the head that wears the Wears the what? Wears the what? Mia, I need your help.
I made a huge mistake giving everyone whatever they want.
Tell me what to do, and I'll give you whatever you want.
- Well - Don't say, "Well, well, well.
" I don't have time.
I can't keep up with these promises I made.
I just told a kid I'd find his biological father.
Any luck yet? No rush.
Please hurry.
This was inevitable, Duncan.
You gotta make a choice: continue desperately craving popularity and ruin the school, or do what's right step down and let a natural leader with girl-next-door appeal clean up your mess.
You're right.
I'm gonna step down.
Anything? - Good afternoon.
- This is Duncan Harris.
This presidency has been the most fulfilling two days of my life, and I've enjoyed trying to make you all happy.
But after much soul searching, I would like to announce that effective noon tomorrow, I will be cementing my popularity forever with my greatest achievement, a personal appearance by the Flossing Bears! - What was that? - Come on, look at them! Good morning, middle daughter.
Don't forget to hand in all that cookie cash so you get to hang with the cool girls.
Thanks, Dad.
And once again, - I'm really sorry I let you down.
- I'm sure you are.
- Mm-hmm.
- Hmm.
Uh-oh, Kimberly, your cellular phone is ringing.
At this hour? Must be important.
Better put it on speaker.
- Hey, who dis? - Kimberly Harris, this is Special Agent Linda Gunns, from the FBI.
- FBI? - Oh, God, what did you do? Those cookies you've been selling? They're poison.
P-p-p-p-poison? If we don't get them all back, we'll be forced to arrest you, take away your cell phone, and post a mug shot of your worst side.
Nooo! I just woke up and did this laundry.
Any big phone calls? Where have you been, woman? Get in the car.
We're sneaky! Uh Um Ohh.
I don't understand this business anymore! And so Kimberly successfully rounded up all the cookies except for one.
Aw, nuts.
- Oh man, look at these furry dudes.
- I'm starstruck.
Is it okay if we get a selfie with these fools real quick? Sure, why not? They love people.
That's what's up.
Thank you.
I'ma tag you.
Who's ready for three minutes and 27 seconds of bear dancing? - Whoo! - You got it! - Yeah! - Yeah! - Whoo! - Stop flossing! This ends now.
I know stuff like dancing bears and nacho bars are fun today, but it comes with a cost.
If we don't stop Duncan, we won't be able to afford all the things that make high school the nightmarish four years that we'll later look back on fondly.
Are you ready to say goodbye to football? Marching band? Your antiquated prom? And whatever Key Club is? I don't wanna live in a world without Key Club.
Okay, time's up.
Pay me $500.
We have a Bar Mitzvah across town.
Uh, yeah.
I don't have the money.
I had to give it all to BTS.
I didn't know there were so many of them.
But if the bears don't get paid, they don't get salmon, and if the bears don't get salmon If the bears don't get salmon, what? You didn't finish your thought.
Ugh, it's the "Today Show" all over again! Oh, I saw that one.
They won't stop till we're dead.
Okay, so now we take all the cookies to the FBI, clear my name, and I can keep my phone, right? Nope, we're going to your school to give back the cookies, you'll admit you didn't really sell any, you broke your father's heart, and you don't deserve to hang out with the cool girls.
But Special Agent Linda Gunns said that Those cookies were poison? You lied to me? You're terrible parents! - Mommy was Linda Gunns.
- I am not a terrible parent.
- I always look out for my kid - Jack, look out! What are you two doing running in the road? Get in! - What is going on? - It's a long story.
- He ruined the school.
- Yeah, that's it.
- Oh, dear God! - Yay, they like us! It smells like honey in here.
Wait, the trunk is filled with Honey Snap cookies.
- Pop the trunk, Jack! - No! Then I'll have to buy the cookies and Kimberly won't learn her lesson! She broke my heart and has to suffer! Got it.
Harris, open the sunroof.
Mia, I know you're a bright girl, but are you an idiot? Trust her, Dad.
She's a natural leader.
- Aww.
- Aww, gorgeous animals.
Hey, you're not an idiot.
How'd you know that it'd work? They just love to perform, I choose to believe.
Sorry I destroyed the school and almost ruined your chance to be president and do poorly paid charity work.
I wanna make things right.
You still got that resignation letter? Yup, and an apology note that I wrote from you to me.
Which I accepted.
Come on, let's go get the teachers out of the basement.
Uh, so, my crazy reign is over.
You can all go back to your families.
Barrett, your wife had the baby.
Everyone's doing great.
Come on, Coach.
You can leave.
No, I'm figuring out this escape room! Oh my God, it's not an escape room.
That's exactly what an escape room would say! All right, I just need to put these clues together.
Dead rat, bucket, mop.
That's it! Doctor BM! There's a key in the toilet! Wanna hit the nacho bar one last time - before I shut it down? - Yeah, I could nach.
So Duncan and Mia marched to the cafeteria, where they enjoyed nachos, cheese, and, of course, jalapenos.

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