Duncanville (2020) s02e06 Episode Script

Annie Oakie

1 Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪ Ooh! - Mommy! - Aaaaaaah! - Duncan! - Duncan! Come on.
One more.
You can do it.
Jack, it's Rocktober! - Meet me in the living room! - Ready! Kimberly, it's the day you get your braces off.
Meet me in the living room.
Ready! - Jing, it's Christmas.
- 'Bout time.
Duncan, Thor is in the living room, and he wants to arm wrestle you.
Duncan, assemble.
- Santa! - Thor, show yourself! - To Dr.
Weinstein's! - Rock and roll! Okay, I lied to you.
But this is even better than all those things.
Oakdale Public Access presents the nominees for Civil Servant of the Year, hosted by the great and powerful Mayor Jen.
Thank you.
Thank you.
- It's Oakie nomination day.
- I'm telling Santa on you! Sorry, but I wanted to share the moment with my family in case I was nominated.
Honey, we do this every year, and you're always disappointed.
And the nominees are Jerry, the dancing crossing guard Small-talk Stacy from the DMV Hot enough for ya? Andre, the artistic crime scene photographer Yes, yes, yes.
Yes! Leslie, the annoyingly upbeat woman from the Parks Department We're gonna fill that pit.
And Annie Harris, - that crazed parking lady? An Oakie.
That was so cool, Mom.
I just thought you parked cars for a living.
- Mommy got shot at.
- I'd smile for you but I still have braces.
Why do we have to campaign? It's your award.
Our my award.
Being the family of an Oakie winner, there's perks for all of you: free movies, every Tuesday matinee.
Just the cure for my horrible Tuesday depression.
I told you he's not okay.
We can cut the line for the playground swings.
- That's a game changer.
- When we go shopping, we can finally get dressing rooms with no curtain gaps.
Yes, no more trying on clothes on top of clothes.
They might even name the waiting room of a tire store after us.
We'll be celebrities.
Thanks for coming.
I love being famous.
- Over here, Duncan! - Respect my privacy, paparazzi scum.
Hey! - Spin.
Power slam.
- Ow! I popped those razzis good.
How can we help? Get out there and give this town a case of Annie fever.
Tell your friends, neighbors, coworkers, lodge presidents, sous-chefs, senseis.
Cover the entire Dojo District.
Go, go, go, go! My grandma's always trying to get me to be politically active.
She thinks Bernie Sanders is a fox.
Hey, vote for his mom, dude! Um And remember to look sad.
Can you do that? You got it.
Dead Elmo.
Dead Elmo.
Help! Help! I'm a lost child! I'll help you, little girl.
Vote for my mom, Annie Harris.
Ugh, are you writing a screenplay in Word? What? It's a free program.
Thank you for coming in, Mr.
I'm worried that Duncan's falling behind in his work.
Of course, but you know who never falls behind in her work? - My wife, Annie Harris.
- Uh, okay, but seriously, Duncan's struggling with basic vocab.
You mean words like "dignity," "trust," "parking"? All words that describe my wife, Annie Harris.
Vote for my wife, Annie Harris.
Mitch, I licked the cafeteria floor on a bet, - and now I don't feel so good.
- You wanna take this? Sorry, when he's at school, he's your problem.
Where's my damn award at? - So how much did you win? - No money, just pride.
So my husband told me he's gonna be a rock star, and now he's a plumber.
But that's okay.
I love him.
I love him.
I love him.
- Annie! - Hey.
There's old flushy hands now.
What are you doing? I'm showing beers they can have a people with me.
Each one of these losers is a vote.
I'm kidding.
I love ya.
I love ya.
I love ya.
Okay, that's enough campaigning for you.
Hey, take me to Taco Bell and I'll give ya a kiss.
Well, I do want a kiss.
Hey, vote for Annie.
My parkie sense is tingling.
No plates, next to a fire hydrant, nonregulation truck nuts? This goes way beyond your standard parking ticket.
It's one thing to do it on a cadaver car, but the real thing is so satisfying.
Wow, your hashtag game is really improving, Mom.
You don't write "tic-tac-toe board" anymore.
Thank you.
I've been following Mrs.
John Legend.
- Chrissy Teigen.
- Who? Booting a parking scofflaw is bound to get you votes and hopefully make up for that offensive joke you told at the bar last night.
What? That's how my mother told it to me.
I wanna win like you, Mommy.
Vote Jing! - For what, honey? - Don't pressure me.
I just announced.
I'm so sure I'm gonna be a celebrity, I'm writing a book about my life.
Mom, you're a psycho who fed me rat poison every day, and, Dad, you're a junkie hit man.
No! It does make us more interesting, honey.
Fine, I don't want his book to bomb.
- Get in.
- Okay.
Kids, don't get into strangers' cars.
Not them.
The parking lady.
Mayor Jen.
Your Grace.
So you're doing great in the Oakie voting.
It's nice to see a woman getting the respect she deserves.
Thank you.
Where's my respect, you piece of trash! - Excuse me? - That was my car you booted.
Now I have to ride around in this pathetic limo.
But your car didn't have any plates, - and the truck nuts - Are hilarious.
I know.
Remove the boot, or I'll make sure you never win that Oakie.
You can't do that.
I'm the mayor of a very small town.
I can do anything.
But you can't get rid of the boot, because I have the key.
Damn it.
I knew I should've made a copy.
I'm sorry, but I took an oath to uphold the law.
I put my hand on a "West Wing" box set.
I respect your integrity, Annie, but you don't want me as an enemy.
- I don't want anybody as my enemy.
- Yeah, but especially me.
What makes you such a great enemy? This isn't my house.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
Hop back in.
I'll shove you out wherever you want.
This is me.
Mommy's home! Usin' a washrag ♪ Findin' new skin tags ♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa ♪ No problem, just give it a little plumber's magic.
Help! I can't take a shower.
- I can't wash my face.
- I can't brush my teeth.
Good morning.
Hmm, maybe the water's out on the whole street.
- What's your damage, lady? - All men are my damage.
Well, everything's normal out here.
There's a parking boot on our water main.
Hey, Mom, someone left you a Valentime's.
Ooh! "Remove the boot.
Love, your enemy.
" Ooh! - What's going on, honey? - Okay.
Mayor Jen is blackmailing me, and I'm not winning the Oakie, and we're never gonna be famous.
I'm gonna have to wait for the kiddie swings? - I don't have that kind of time.
- Mm? Now I'll never get to thrash a photog.
We need to support your mom's principles, kids, and show Mayor Jen she'll have to do a lot more than shut off our water to break this family.
Ooh, my special delivery.
- Waiting for this? - My replacement kimono tie! - Remove the boot, Harris! - Never! Uh-oh.
This is gonna be the biggest political scandal since the police chief faked his death to get out of jury duty.
I still wonder who was in that casket.
I think he murdered his twin.
Of course! We gotta exhume the body! No, Jack, we're here to talk about my Oakie Award.
This story has it all: emotion, corruption, kimonos.
Stop the presses! Hmm? Those presses are so loud.
Anyway, we can't run this story.
Mayor Jen owns our ass.
But you sat with us for hours.
We ate all that Chinese food together.
If it means anything, my enjoyment of the moo goo gai pan was real.
Come on, Jack.
We're going to Channel 10.
- You mean Channel Jen.
- Then we'll go to 108K-Jen.
Damn it! Remove the boot, Harris! Mayor Jen is ruining our lives.
The kids at school are calling me Trasherly.
It's not even good, but it's catching on.
No water, electric, gas, my precious landline.
I heard it ring.
Didn't you hear it ring? My teacher won't call on me anymore at school.
Cooper just guessed triangle, and now he's a rock star.
And my teacher won't stop calling on me.
I accidentally learned about ancient Greece, and like the siege of Troy, our collapse is inevitable.
- Nerd! - I know! How long are we gonna keep fighting for your principles? I'm running out of clean underpants.
- Just turn them inside out.
- Way ahead of you, Mom.
I know things are tough, but if we stick together, truth and justice have to win.
Oh, hey, I'm Randy from Animal Control.
Oh, thank God.
The trash is really attracting rats.
Actually, Mayor Jen sent me over to say gopher bomb! Everyone calm down.
If we don't bother them, they won't bother us.
Their little hands! Buffalo gals ♪ Won't you come out tonight ♪ And dance by the light of the moon ♪ You're right, Bex.
That was fun.
I'm telling you, my grandma knows some trippy songs.
Y'all remember when we used to drink beer? Hey, Duncan's friends.
Don't mind us.
We just live here now.
- Gophers took our house.
- Cool digs, daddy-o.
What a great place to get away from whatever might be annoying you.
Hey, Mia.
Duncan still crushing on ya? - I don't think so.
- Oh, yes, he is.
- Aren't you, Dunker? - Shut up! Mr.
and Mrs.
Harris, welcome.
Mi crib es su crib.
Now, you know the rule about parents, man.
Even if one of us dies in here, they cannot come in.
Oh, don't think of us as parents.
Think of us as AirBuh-nuh-buh guests.
You're so embarrassing.
I am not.
She's just cranky 'cause she's been wearing the same underwear for five days.
Ew! - Five days? You broke my record.
- Tomorrow will be six.
- Well, that's gross.
- Mm.
Okay, everybody, sleep tight, and seriously, do not let the bedbugs bite.
- Good night, Duncan.
- Night.
- Night, Kimberly.
- Just don't.
- Night, Jing.
- Night, Mommy.
Good night, honey.
Good night, my principled princess.
- Are we having sex? - I think so? - Mommy? - Yes, sweetie? This really sucks.
I know.
- Whoa! - Ah! Harris family, get out here.
What are you gonna take from us now, Mayor Jen, - my husband's kimono? - Don't even put it in her head! I underestimated how tough this family is, and, well, it was wrong of me to try to punish you into betraying your core beliefs, so instead, I'm gonna bribe you into betraying your core beliefs.
Remove the boot, and I'll make sure you win the Oakie Award.
- Ain't happenin'.
- And to sweeten the deal, I'll send you and your family on an all-expense-paid trip for two days and one night to Flip Flops Resort.
Flip Flops? They built the world's largest waterslide out of a sacred native temple.
And you can ride dolphins to dinner.
And watch white people dance to reggae.
That's where Mike Love got married for the fifth time.
But yeah, stand your ground, honey.
Mike Love will get married again.
Yeah, we believe in you way more than the family trip of a lifetime.
We got your back, waterslide I mean Mom.
I'll sleep in a pot as long as it takes, Mommy.
Can I have the last packet of crackers? I know I'm supposed to use it as my pillow, - but I'm hungry.
- Mm.
This is the greatest vacation ever! - We owe it all to you, Mom.
- We love Mom.
We love Mom! We love Mom.
To the buffet! I'm sorry, Mayor Jen, but when my wife makes up her mind - I'll do it.
- Really? - Yay! - Aah! I knew it.
Everyone can be bought.
See you at the award show, Annie.
Oh, and, Jack, here's your kimono tie.
Yes, I'm back! I know it was hard, honey, but you did the right thing for everyone but you.
Yeah, Mom, you stood up for your beliefs almost all week.
Yeah, you only eventually gave in.
- So brave.
- Mm.
And all of these folks ♪ are dead! ♪ Bye-bye.
This has been my favorite dress on her all night.
Yeah, fit and flare looks good on her.
She should stay away from the empire waist.
And now the moment you've waited five hours for, the Oakie for Outstanding Achievement in Civil Servitude I don't think I can go through with this sham, Jack.
Our bags are packed, Annie.
I'm wearing board shorts.
It's hard to be enthusiastic about something you didn't win fair and square.
And the winner of this year's Oakie is Annie Harris.
Ah! Kick! Dreams do come true.
I swore I wouldn't cry.
That's what you guys should be doing.
- Aw.
- No, I'm kidding.
I love ya.
I love ya.
I love ya.
Pleasure doing business with you.
Whoo! Civil service! Wow, Jing, you are ready for vacation.
No, this is for a water landing.
I can't believe we're flying economy plus.
You can really feel the extra quarter-inch legroom.
Excuse me, sir, can I have your seat for my award? I won an award.
- I'm the sky marshal.
- And I won an award.
I understand.
Keep an eye on 17B.
Uh good afternoon.
We have a very special guest on board, Oakie Award winner Annie Harris.
Oh, and also Malala.
Why aren't you in school? Get off our backs, Malala.
Flair bartending.
Flair lifeguarding.
Help! Help! - Aw, good for them.
- There it is.
Macho Picchu.
I don't get it, but let's go.
The line is so long.
- Follow me.
- Honey, it says "Employees Only.
" I think they want us to take the stairs.
The elevator is stairs for winners.
I won a Nobel Prize.
Whoa! Okay, lie down, keep your arms to your sides, and feel free to taunt the sharks; they love it.
You want some of this? Yeah, you know you do.
You want some.
Hold on a sec.
You're not sacrifice height.
You can sit in this kiddie pool filled with squid.
Oh, come on! I don't make the rules.
The gods do.
What if I give you my goggles and this wet Snickers bar? Then would I be tall enough? I'm a part-time waterslide operator.
I have integrity.
Everyone can be bought, even Mommy.
That's how we got this trip.
That's it.
Everybody off the slide.
We do not deserve tropical fun.
We're here under false pretenses.
Don't care.
And I've already got a crush on the boy - that checks wristbands.
- Interesting point, Annie.
Let's discuss it on our way down the slide.
Sorry, Jack.
I just can't do it.
Come on, we're going home.
No! No, we're taking the stairs.
And on the way down, we are apologizing to Malala.
Excuse us.
Vacation's over.
Doing the right thing.
Teaching moment.
Story they'll tell at my funeral.
And unlike our old cemetery, this new one is above the water table.
And now a moment of silence as we bow our heads for drinkable water and bodies that stay buried.
Here's hoping.
Stop the celebration! I have a confession to make! I didn't win this award.
It was given to me to keep my mouth shut.
She's crazy! - Shoot her! - I'm not gonna rat you out.
Stand down.
You were saying? This year's Oakie should go to someone with integrity, someone whose family can be proud of them.
I made Mommy think about what she did.
So I'm giving my Oakie to the dancing crossing guard.
Aw, who am I kiddin'? None of these moves are mine.
I stole 'em from "Thunder Down Under.
" This award should really go to Small-talk Stacy from the DMV.
Thanks, but I'm super racist.
It really should go to Andre, the crime scene photographer.
Let me stop you right there.
I kill them, I pose them, and worst of all, I use Photoshop.
He wanted to take me out for drinks tomorrow.
Is there any civil servant here who isn't secretly a monster? What about Mr.
Mitch? He works three jobs at the school, and he only gets paid for one.
Plus, you wouldn't believe some of the idiot kids - he has to put up with.
- I also run a suicide hotline.
Hello? Yeah, don't do that.
Be cool.
Okay, sure.
Why not? And the winner of the Oakie Award is Mr.
And now I'd like to wrap up our ceremony with a little joke my mother told me.
Small-talk Stacy, you're gonna love this.
No! Now, when you work the night shift, you get a lot of crazies.
Have a look at this gal from last week.
- Yes, we'd like to order two - Hola.
- Annie, please.
- Hey.
Is that little dog still your boss? What little dog? You know, he's in the commercial.
He's always sayin', "Yo quiero this," and, "Yo quiero that.
" Annie, those commercials were 20 years ago.
That dog's probably dead.
What? What did you do to him? I didn't do anything.
Animals just die sometimes.
Yo quiero answers! Why couldn't it have been me? He was my best friend.
Why? Why?! This goes on for another three hours, but you get it.
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