Duncanville (2020) s03e01 Episode Script

Gamer vs. Gamer

1 Boo, boo, boo, boo Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪ [laughs.]
Ooh! [growls.]
- Mommy! - Aaaaaaah! - Duncan! - Duncan! [indistinct chatter.]
Open, stupid locker! You still don't remember your combination? I made up that song to help you.
Your locker combination is one, two, three ♪ - [grunts.]
This is easier.
- 'Sup Oakdale? This is Mr.
Mitch with your morning announcements.
Okay, the football team lost, but the soccer team also lost.
Erica P.
broke up with Brian A, but we all know that won't last.
Oh, and word is, one of our students is actually a 53-year-old narc.
I wonder to whom they could be referring? And a big congratulation to Kazu Parks for getting a shout-out from Slayer! [all cheer.]
- A shout-out from Slayer? - I do declare! Kazu? Rolling book bag Kazu got a shout-out from Slayer? You're gonna say, "Are you kidding?" - but who's Slayer? - Are you kidding? Slayer is the Lebron James of gaming.
Do you know nothing about American history? Slayer is a king or queen maker! And in honor of Kazu's shout-out, I'm making this a snow day.
Everyone, go home! [all cheer.]
This is the third time this week he's canceled school.
- ALL: Kazu! Kazu! - That's it.
We either get a Slayer shout-out or we be happy for Kazu.
Did you hear about Kazu? That is fyre with a with a "y.
" Beat it, narc! Annie, kids, I did it! I got Baltic Avenue in the grocery store Monopoly game! Free pack of taco seasoning, here we come! [vocalizing.]
Ow! Hmm, I should fix that nail before somebody gets hurt.
Let's see.
Need a hammer.
Don't feel like walking to the kitchen to get one.
This'll do.
Jack! That's our family photo album! - You mean the big coaster? - I use it as a squatty potty.
This is where we keep all of our treasured family pictures from over the years.
It's my most prized possession! How do you zoom in? How do you know if your haters like it or not? You kids have never seen photos? BOTH: Pho-tos? The family photo album is a visual history of every important person in your life.
That's me with, um, Paulette? Jack, is that is that Paulette? I don't know any Paulette.
She sang "Wind Beneath My Wings" at our wedding.
If you say so.
So big coaster has old photos of you guys? Yup! And I can't think of anything more fun to do than learn about your parents via the magic of chemically coated paper.
Gather round! Can't we go claim our free taco seasoning? I've already called the manager, they're holding it for us.
So screens off, eyes open, and wow, we have a lot of pictures of Paulette.
[electronic bleeps and bloops.]
Another headshot! - Great headshots today.
- All right, nobody pees till we get a shout-out from Slayer.
And I say that as someone who really has to pee.
Wait, you're watching someone play a video game? Why don't you just play video games yourselves? [all laughing.]
Mia, tell me you are in jest.
Yeah, even my grandma knows that.
Yeah, Lisa.
Keep up.
Whoa, headshot! Shout-out to FroggyBoy36.
Get well soon, man.
Mono is a bitch! Ugh, that lucky, sleepy bastard! Oh, I got a comment I bet nobody ever says to him.
"Slayer, you're good at gaming.
" No response? But I was typing from the heart.
- Ooh, let me try.
- "Hey" with eleven Ys? Mm-mm.
We are not that thirsty.
It's this stupid sticky keyboard! Why is the keyboard sticky? - Uh - That's weird.
- Can we just move on? - All right, Slay Mates, this next round is for my favorite charity, Operation Wag, which rehabilitates dogs with limp tails.
These poor pups' erectail dysfunction is our ticket to a shout-out from Slayer, but we need cash.
I know! Hey Grandma, it's Duncan's birthday! Give him some money! Hang on, hang on.
[mumbles indistinctly.]
Ooh, a Tums! Oh! Hurry up, Grandma! It's an emergency! Emergency? Hey, my parents gave me an emergency credit card.
- ALL: Yes! - Are you sure your parents - will be okay with you using that? - Absolutely.
Now, Duncan, this card can only be used under the following circumstances If a bully takes your lunch money.
If a bully smears sloppy joes on your shirt on Picture Day and you need a new one.
If you're buying a new shirt and a bully says "Hey, gimme that credit card.
" Duncan! Clickity clack them digits in! - Hey, are you bullying me? - Yes.
That's all I needed to hear.
And here's the hallway closet in our first apartment.
You'd pull that string, and a light would turn on.
- Mah-huh.
- And this is a blurry photo of a house we looked at but didn't buy.
Righ right.
- Huh? - [gasps.]
- Were those mugshots? - Uh, everyone ignore each other and look at your phone for hours.
Amazing what these things can do! - No, what the hell were those? - Language, Jing! No, she's right, what the hell were those? BOTH: Mm Duncan, hurry! Kazu just donated five bucks! He's gonna own the school! RollingBookBag68 with the dono.
Keep rollin', brother.
He called him brother! Duncan! Ten dollars.
No way.
No way.
Oh, my God.
Duncan Harris and his crew, Bex, Yangzi, Wolf, and Mia have just made a killer donation to Operation Wag.
Major props, my Slay Mates.
Let's go! [all cheer.]
Bite me, Kazu! What? Slayer said my name.
You know what? A shout-out isn't enough.
You're all coming to my private island IRL.
- [all gasp.]
And I'm giving you my personal customized keyboard.
[imitates gunshot.]
[all gasp.]
What's the big deal? It's just a keyboard.
It's like Tom Brady giving you his arm.
Like Ruth Bader Ginsburg giving you her robe.
- Oh, my God! - And if blue's not your jam? Boom.
Aqua ♪ [groaning.]
I can't wait to meet the dude that donated $10,000 to my charity! - $10,000?! - Heh?! What?! Uh-oh.
Stuck key.
- Thank you so much, Duncan.
- Nooo! I found a dollar! Happy Birthday, Lisa.
Okay, a-all right.
Explain it to me again.
Look at me.
You promised to donate $10,000, and you don't have $10,000.
- Don't as in "do not"? - [groans.]
Let me try, Mia.
- [yells.]
You don't have it! - Whoa, whoa, everybody chill.
If this is heading towards "You gotta do the right thing and tell Slayer the truth," then I am pumping the brakes hard.
Slayer's gonna give us his keyboard, Duncan.
His key-board.
I bet it smells like his hands.
I know.
That's what makes this so hard.
[all gasp.]
[all yell.]
Slayer, comin' through with the sick entrance.
Which one of you is Duncan? Oh, my God! Somebody answer him.
Come on, guys! We're going to my island! I've got Red Bull Coconut Edition! I don't have $10,000.
What should I do, Mia? He's got Extreme Kiwi-Apple! You can only get that at Shell stations! [cheers and laughter.]
You guys were arrested? Jack, why would you put these in our family photo album? I'm a scrapbooker, Annie.
You knew that when you married me.
Is it okay if I go to Slayer's island? - Will his parents be home? - I don't know.
Okay, text me when you get there.
I can't believe you give me crap for having my earpods too loud, and you guys are murderers! - We're not murderers! - Then what did you do? Yeah, start talkin', lady.
[both sigh.]
All right, you guys remember when Tipper Gore was trying to put explicit lyric warning labels on CDs, right? - CDs? - Tip-per? It was the '90s.
"Veronica's Closet" was changing everything we know about television.
[both laughing.]
That's so true! Half the country owned a Jeep Wrangler, and Sam Goody was the place to be seen while never buying anything.
Yeah! Spit that nasty stuff! - BLEEP the police! ♪ - Wait.
What the police? Annie, what did he say to do to the police? He didn't.
Maybe respect them? Feed them? I don't know! Somebody's putting bleeps over words that are critical to the artists' message! But who? It's the tight-ass wife of our computer nerd vice-president! Jack, you have crime in your eyes.
That night, we came back to the store with a purpose.
This feels like kind of an overreaction, Jack.
Can't we just, like, buy the explicit version? And trash our nails peeling stickers off? Let's see 'em censor this! [gasps.]
[siren chirps.]
Be cool, my baby.
Let Jackie boy do the talking.
Good evening, pigs.
48 hours of hard time later, your mom and I reunited.
A couple of jailbirds in love.
But we learned our lesson, and we're model citizens today.
- Story over.
- Wait, that doesn't make sense, Mom.
You tell us before bed every night that if you have a criminal record, you can't be in law enforcement.
And you are in law enforcement.
And I'm five, and that don't add up.
Yeah, that don't add up.
Wow, you own that island? Actually, I split the rent with the guy who invented the Scrub Daddy.
You guys ready to jump? - Jump? - Yeah, baby! We're dropping in "Fornite" style! Let's get it! [all yelling.]
This is how I'm traveling everywhere from now on.
Listen, I'm not gonna be able to work my shift today.
I'm having lady issues.
Don't be sorry.
It's okay.
Bye! "And crew.
" That's me.
Duncan, I am so proud of you for keeping your scammin' mouth shut.
Now if you'll excuse me, barrel roll! I'm not scammin'! [grunts.]
I'm delaying the truth! Ah, hola, Bex! Wait, if you're here, what happens to the chopper? I don't know.
Oh, I see.
[all grunt.]
And superhero landing! [grunting.]
I'm back, Mom.
- Hi, Dennis.
- Slayer, Mom! Come on.
- Sorry, pookums.
- Ugh.
Come on, I'll show you my gaming studio.
It's soundproof, waterproof, and fartproof.
Oh, we'll see about that.
[all gasp.]
Welcome back, Slayer.
Energy drink? Whoa! A robot servant? Actually, it's just a hologram of a robot servant.
- See? - ALL: Ooh! See, this is how you know you're making just the right amount of money.
Who's a ticklish hologram? Ow.
Those are my genitals.
Ugh! This place is so cool! Not as cool as the ten grand you donated to Operation Wag.
Yeah, about that, uh, there's something I need to Boom! Slayer swag.
Take what you want, guys! First dibs! It was my ten grand.
I got a gaming hemorrhoid pillow! - I got a PlayStation 10! - I got a Slayer hat.
[all groan.]
[Wolf sniffs.]
And it smells like his head.
Gimme! See, Mia? You do something good and good things happen.
Duncan, this is dope as hell, but you didn't do anything good.
You cheated a charity! Just get the keyboard and get out.
But to reiterate, this is dope as hell.
Look at all the Rollies I got! Ugh, you're right.
Slayer, it's really been cool coming here, jumping out of a chopper, and fondling your hologram robot, but we gotta bounce.
So if you could just give us your keyboard I am absolutely going to give you that keyboard.
- Hmm? - When I present it to you as a part of my livestream charity event! [all gasp.]
ALL: Huh? [cheers and applause.]
I want the world to meet the generous donors that are gonna make it possible for these little guys to one day raise their tails in pride.
[cheers and applause.]
Wow, Duncan, you played yourself this time.
So I spent the whole weekend in jail, and you didn't? Jack, you have to understand.
I've always wanted to tell you, but I haven't been able to because I haven't wanted to.
- Continue talking, lady.
- Okay, okay.
It all started the night those mugshots were taken.
We know.
Tipper Bore?! When I drive past Sam Goody, how am I supposed to explain that to my kids? Trash talking the first lady? Yeah, I could understand, but the second lady? Please, I can't go to jail! I have a dream of someday working at a very low level of law enforcement! Then pin this on your hothead hippie boyfriend, - and you're free to walk out of here.
- Never.
You really wanna give up your future for some loser? Sorry, pigs! She doesn't speak oink! [laughing.]
So, again, who sullied Tipper Gore's name? Oink! Oink! [sighs.]
- Annie, how could you!? - I'm so sorry, Jack.
Sorry?! You sold me out! [sobbing.]
Mommy's a snitch.
So in honor of your incredible generosity, here is my personal keyboard.
And yes, it smells like my hands.
- I knew it.
- Okay, we gotta go.
Uh, can we take any helicopter, or? Hang on, it looks like Banjo's got a little thank you note! ALL: Aww.
See, Mavis? That dog appreciates his life.
- Fray-yood? - It's "fraud.
" That's right I know you don't have the money.
Your card was declined.
It's only authorized for bully-related expenses.
Oh, my God! You knew the whole time? I'm so sorry.
You lied to me, and on the Internet, no less.
ALL: Ooh! - Duncan, is this true? - Cheating me is one thing, but cheating dogs with limp tails? What kind of psychopath does that? You think you know a guy.
There can only be one punishment.
- A warning? - One giant island.
All weapons unlocked.
Last man standing wins.
- Uh, what? - I'm gonna hunt your ass.
Oh, and kill you.
A Kaboom Bow? The splash damage on that thing is epic! Ah, which is not good for us.
ALL: Three, two, one! [all yelling.]
[audience cheering.]
I teach the ones being hunted, Mavis.
[all yelling.]
This is crazy.
Do you think Slayer really wants to kill us? You figure it out.
Joker hair, island compound, his name is Slayer! And his hair, it's like the Joker's! Aw, I'm sorry, is that what you were just saying? Can't we work this out? I don't know, I could do, like, a payment plan - or mow your island.
- I could tutor you! Video games aren't gonna last forever.
Don't you wanna be a success? Are you kidding? My thumbs are insured for two mil each! Aren't you? Yes, you are.
I've wasted my life.
That's it.
Weapon time.
Ah! Mom! I don't know if this changes your mind, but my biggest fear? Being hit by a lunch bag.
Headshot! [all yell.]
[all panting.]
I can't believe you flipped on Dad to the cops and then he went to the sporting goods store, bought a heavy bag, came home, set it up, and now he's trying to punch the hurt away.
I know it seems like I did wrong, but because I turned in your Dad, I was able to pursue my dream job that provides so many great things for this family, like our limited HMO.
You kids love that limited HMO.
But my Stanley the Stinkless Skunk book says that you always stand by the person you love - even if it stinks for you.
- Let me see that.
[muttering indistinctly.]
I can't believe I'm gonna die just because I love flavored caffeine! Bet you guys wish you were Christian now.
Almighty Lord, my savior, beam my butt outta here.
Aw, come on, dude! We're not gonna die! Nobody knows video games like us.
Yeah, we've been wasting our lives for a situation just like this.
All we gotta do is run-jump.
- Ugh, forget it, we're dead.
- No! Video games always have supplies hidden somewhere.
Look under every rock, bush and crate! There's gotta be ammo and rations underneath [yelping.]
Oh, my God, our friends are gone! Yeah, we're alone on this island.
Maybe we should, I don't know, I'm just going by movies I've seen, but, like, bathe in a waterfall together? - Like - [grunts.]
Bro, you didn't really think you had a shot with her, did you? I don't know, prom's coming up, and she's in one of my classes, and run-jump! - Run-jump! - Damn, he run-jumps good.
Whyyy?! - Are you mad? - A weekend in jail, Annie! That's Saturday and Sunday! Jack, I told you the rest of the story, but there's a rest of the rest of the story.
I left that station thinking I was done with you forever.
But the more I tried to enjoy my life the more I realized that something was missing.
That night, while the nation partied and watched the finale of "Veronica's Closet," I realized how much I needed you.
You weren't just reckless and crazed, you were also passionate and manic.
You're unpredictable.
You go from belly laughs to uncontrollable sobs in seconds.
You're right.
I do.
And I realized that cop was wrong.
I wasn't giving up my future, you were my future.
- Hey, Kimberly.
- Yeah? - Who is Tipper Gore? - I still have no idea.
Strafe! Crouch and roll! Power slide! You can't escape me, Duncan! Oh! Whoa! ALL: Whoa! Uh-oh! Duncan's going down.
Though that does solve my overcrowded classroom problem.
Well, Duncan, looks like - you're the last man standing.
- Yeah! - Except for me.
- Oh, right.
Any last words before I kaboom your ass? Uh, ye uh, yeah, um.
Let's see, um, shout-out to my mom.
I'm sorry I never made my bed.
Shout-out to my dead friends.
You guys always had my back.
And, uh, shout-out to the poor dogs I screwed over.
Remember, it's not the wag in your tail, it's the love in your heart.
Okay, kill me.
[all grunt.]
I'm not gonna kill you, dude.
Do you know how off-brand that is for me? I'm trying to get a shoe deal! - But I owe you $10,000.
- It's all good.
I made double that off this charity livestream, and it's all going to Banjo and his pals at Operation Wag.
Woof, woof! I wanna live on this island with you.
[inhales deeply.]
Dude, please just take the hat.
And I haven't forgotten you, Duncan.
I want you to know that you - have not earned this at all.
- Yeah, I did it! There's only one thing left we haven't done yet.
Pointless dancing! [dance music playing.]
♪ Oh, like I was gonna miss this? [Duncan grunts.]
I'm back.
What's for dinner? Did you have a nice time at your friend's island? I don't know.
It was an island.
Did you bring me anything? Aw, he loves me.
He's wagging his tail! - Yes, he is, Jing.
Yes, he is.
- Can we keep him? You were criminals.
You have to say yes! Take our photo together.
Did I say that right? Pho-to? That one's going in the family album.
Uh, why are you guys wearing sashes? And what's NXIVM? BOTH: Uh
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