Duncanville (2020) s03e03 Episode Script

1 Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪ [laughs.]
Ooh! [growls.]
- Mommy! - Aaaaaaah! - Duncan! - Duncan! [upbeat music.]
Okay, fine, fine.
I just can't believe that "Fast & Furious" is your favorite movie of all time.
[high-pitched voice.]
Not "Fast & Furious," "The Fast and the Furious.
" [normal voice.]
Well, that's a much better movie, Plungie.
[cell phone chimes.]
It's a text from Annie.
[high-pitched voice.]
Read it! Read it! [normal voice.]
"I'm at the office, and I need you so bad.
Meet me in the third stall of the women's bathroom.
" [high-pitched voice.]
Whoa! And they call me Plungie! [normal voice.]
Come on, man, that's my wife.
And I'm about to day-sex her in an employee restroom! [high-pitched voice.]
Whoa! I don't like shampoo.
I like conditioner.
It's better.
Scata-doo-hoo! [laughs.]
You're right, Billy Madison.
It is better.
Hey, what's with that Sandler dude? Are we allowed to laugh at him? And will "scata-doo-hoo" be covered on the test? I think he's funny, but I'd like to see him stretch his legs in a drama.
I thought we were gonna be watching something - about James Madison? - I know, I know.
The Redbox in my neighborhood has a limited selection.
Same thing happened with "Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter.
" Attention this is Vice Principal Drummond.
Students, faculty, and unpaid lunch volunteers, report to the auditorium for a mandatory assembly.
[all groan.]
I hope it's not that drunk-driving guy again.
- He's such a buzzkill.
- Mr.
Mitch, aren't you coming? In a bit.
I got to grade a few papers first.
[mellow music plays.]
I grade these papers A-plus.
[chuckles.]
Scata-doo-hoo.
[laughs.]
Okay, so Tammy was about to get the last jelly doughnut, but I told her she sat in gum, and when she ran away humiliated, - I snagged it for you.
- Mmm.
It tastes so much sweeter knowing Tammy can't have it.
Did you know she's a QAnon person? Honey, why aren't you in the third stall? Because it's filled with poop water.
We've got a plumbing crisis.
Jack, are you wearing your 007 sex tie? Yeah, I thought that's why she called me.
Wait, how do you know about my intimate tie? Because it's Garrett.
I tell him everything.
- He's my work husband.
- "Work husband"? You've heard the term "work husband," right? There's been, like, 100 BuzzFeed articles about it.
"BuzzFeed"? Oh, Annie-Banannie, you weren't kidding.
- He is cute when he's clueless.
- Jack, it's flooding! I know! That's why I put on my sex tie.
- Let's go! - No, the bathroom is flooding! - Please fix it! - Mm.
So much for sex in the loo.
So next time you think it's cool to smoke your vapes up on the school roof, remember, this is your head when you fall off and hit the cement.
[grunts.]
[laughter.]
Shut up! It's not ripe enough! Told ya! His hair's real on top and fake on the sides.
The man is side bald.
[coughs.]
Side bald! [coughs.]
[laughter.]
Who said that? Uh-oh.
He's got murder in his eyes.
- Keep poking him, Bex! - [chanting.]
Side bald! [laughter.]
[grumbling.]
Damn, Yangzi was right.
Drummond's side bald as hell.
- [grumbling.]
- Ow! What did I do? Ugh, actual abuse, and it's the one day I forgot my phone.
Okay, Mr.
Drummond, be cool.
Hand the child to me.
You got so much going on for you.
Hey, it's taco haystack for lunch.
- You don't want to miss that.
- You're right.
I'm sorry, Elizabex.
I'm so ashamed.
That's okay.
Side bald! Okay, you're kissing the floor, punk! Aah! [students cheer.]
[sniffles.]
Back in the day, we could slap, paddle, and shake kids all we wanted.
Now even flicking the ear of a passing student is lawsuit-worthy.
That's why I need to replace Side Bald with somebody who has your naturally calm demeanor.
Yes, naturally.
No offense, but isn't vice principal the worse version of your terrible job? Yes, it is, but there are perks, like this mini fridge.
Whoa! That would be a great place to stash my edibles arrangements.
Also, the vice principal's parking space is much closer than yours.
And the salary is triple what you're currently making.
Dang, with that kind of money, I wouldn't have to run out of class to deliver Postmates.
By the way, here's your Jack in the Box.
And me and my girl could finally buy a town house the mini fridge of houses.
I'm in! [shouts.]
Ain't that a bitch? So let me ask you kids something.
Have you ever heard the term "work husband"? - Oh, you mean like Garrett? - You know who Garrett is? He's our work daddy! I drew this picture of us with Garrett.
I just assumed that stick man was me.
No, don't you see his muscles? Boom.
You've met Garrett before, Jack.
I talk about him all the time, and you never remember.
Look at the tattoo on your arm.
Okay, but it just seems inappropriate that you're so close to another man.
A gay man who's happily married to his husband, Bryce! I told you about him, too! Oh, there is nothing going on with me and Garrett.
He's just a good listener.
The most physical thing we've ever done - is the occasional back rub.
- "Occasional back rub"? You know, I could fool around at work, but I don't.
There's an entire genre of porno based on my profession.
Plumbers are number three after cable guy and cabana boy.
All righty, Jing, show me your blanket fort I didn't want to see earlier.
Okay, then tell me what porno is.
I can give you a back rub right now, and I can do it way better than him.
Aah! Now my back is gonna smell like truffles! Am I close to that spot you like? Ah, hand cramp.
I swear this never happens.
Can you massage my hands? Never mind, I'll keep going.
Come on, Jack! [grunting.]
Oh, my God, Jack, you did it.
You hit the spot.
You can stop now.
- Um, do you want to cuddle? - No, that was so satisfying.
I'm gonna go wash the kids' gym clothes.
Love you.
Good night.
[whimpers.]
Hmm? Hello, Bryce? I have a tantalizing tidbit to tell you about your husband Garrett.
"A tidbit"? Sounds important.
I'll be right there.
Ladies and gentlemen, we're gonna make an emergency landing so I can hear something tantalizing.
Flight crew, prepare the cabin.
[indistinct chatter.]
Bryce, I take no joy in telling you this, but my wife and your husband are involved in a tawdry workplace marriage.
- That's it? - Yep.
It haunts your every waking moment, right? I think it's nice Garrett has a friend.
Who wants a suffocating, needy husband who gets all his validation from his spouse? Annie is all I have, damn it! She's my world! I got to flip something! [straining.]
Sir, we've told you the tables are bolted down.
God, Jack, how many sangrias did you have before I got here? Two pitchers, and I sucked on the oranges.
- Help me.
- To be honest, I wish I had someone fun at work to talk to.
Don't you have a copilot? Pfft.
You try talking to Patrick.
He's a brick wall.
We saw a UFO.
He knows he saw it, too.
But he would not corroborate.
They waved at us.
It was right there! - I would've corroborated.
- I know you would, Jack.
You seem like a good corroborator.
Oh, I am.
You know, I once saw a UFO after a Guns N' Roses concert.
- You're a GNR fan, too? - Hell, yeah! I crowd-surfed during "November Rain," and when people raised their lighters, it singed off all my leg hair.
I was at the show where Slash threw his hat into the crowd and it landed on a baby's head, and that baby grew up to be BOTH: Bryant Gumbel! Wait, that can't be right.
Mm, I think Bryant Gumbel lied in that interview.
Oh, well, how about we get some more Sa-na-na-na-na-grias, grias? ♪ - I'm sorry.
What? - I'm sorry.
- Would you like more sangrias? - I corroborate that! [laughter.]
VP.
Scata-doo-hoo.
I feel bad that Vice Principal Drummond lost his pension and his wife left him, but it's nice to see Mr.
Mitch so happy.
Yeah, look, he took his girl to Buca di Beppo last night.
Good God! That meatball's the size of his head! Your hilarious cruelty to a public servant made all of this possible, Bex.
And the great thing about Mr.
Mitch's promotion is, we're so tight with him, now we can get away with anything.
You mean like sneaking off campus for lunch? To the Beppo! [all panting.]
Next thing you know, Hulk Hogan is tearing his shirt off and throwing the scraps into the audience, and that's when I turned to my dad and said, "Dad, I'm definitely, definitely gay.
" - And how did he handle it? - He hugged me.
Mm, what a WrestleMania.
Hey, this was great getting to know each other.
Thanks for talking me down about the Annie/Garrett thing.
I owe your husband's work wife a huge apology.
Yeah, I had fun, too.
I'm so glad you ominously called me.
Whoa, we've been talking for hours.
I got wheels up in 20.
[gulping.]
Kidding.
I haven't flown drunk in years.
[laughs.]
[laughter.]
Wait, a minute.
I know that ain't the smell of a big-ass Beppo meatball.
You down with B.
d.
B.
? 'Cause this linguini is blussin'.
Sheesh! We snuck off campus.
We didn't ask because we knew you'd be cool with it.
You're right, Duncan.
As Mr.
Mitch, I'm totally cool with it.
But as Vice Principal Mitch with a preapproved loan for a town house, you got detention after school.
- What? - Sheesh! - Mamma mia! - Even me? But detention's for losers who are going nowhere in life.
Sorry, guys.
I got a bright future.
You heard Vice Principal Mitch.
Detention, now.
[all groan.]
Great work bagging these lunch dodgers.
- This is for you.
- Thank you.
This cup will be perfect for my Fanta, the champagne of sodas ice cold from my mini fridge.
I need you to pee in it.
School administrators have random drug tests.
Drug test? Uh-oh.
I mean, uh, oh.
Is it possible we could randomly schedule it for, say, 31 days from now? You're funny.
I'm attracted to you.
Shouldn't have said that as your superior.
Just fill the cup.
Fill it good.
- Stop it, Veronica.
- Uh Come on, Mitch.
This job is a chance to prove your character.
Besides, maybe you'll pass the drug test.
Ah, who am I kidding? I once peed smoke.
Looks like ur-ine trouble.
- Urine.
Ha.
- We have a prop-pee-sition.
See, Duncan's the only kid in school who's not on drugs or highly medicated.
He'll provide six ounces of his uncut, crystal-clear, sweet, sweet tinkle.
This is a four-ounce cup.
What you do with the other two ounces is up to you.
But if you want my liquid gold urine we want no detention, and we get the keys to the school roof.
Whoa, whoa, students aren't allowed on the roof.
Did you learn nothing from that unripe watermelon? Don't care.
Want to party up there.
This is Wolf, by the way.
I'm actually using the bathroom.
Can't do it, kids.
Like Billy Madison, it's time for me to grow up.
Besides, this is blackmail and [cell phone chimes.]
It's next to a Whole Foods? - Yeah, pee in the cup.
- There's one other thing I want to wear your glasses while I do it.
- Yeah, no.
- Damn that's weird, Duncan! Fine.
There's three other stalls, dude.
Jack, what are you doing here? What? A home husband can't visit his home wife in her her work house? An apology gift for you, milady.
A gift card from the grocery store? I wanted to buy you flowers, but the idea of you going to the store and picking them out felt sexier.
And you get two times the points on gas.
Oh, that's so sweet, honey.
We could get a little plant sibling for Fernie.
You two are raising a fern together? Annie, I have begged you to raise a fern with me! - No, you haven't.
- Well, I'm begging now! Come on, we're taking it home and raising it as our own, and one day years from now, Garrett will try to reconnect with Fernie, and she won't even recognize him! Jack, put the plant down.
You're stressing me out.
Come here, honey.
You're wearing your shoulders like earrings.
Oh, and you've got more knots than the Boy Scouts.
For the last time, Jack Oh You got nothing to Ohh To be Oh, my God Jealous about Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow.
You two are sick! No.
Sorry.
That's the old lovably unhinged Jack.
We're in New Jack City now, where I'm mayor and everything's cool.
In fact, Garrett, why don't you and Bryce come over tonight for a little couples' hang-a-roo? Well, Jackiri-Daiquiri, we'd love that.
Ah, my two favorite boys are getting along my work-boy and my home-boy.
This is just wonderful.
Oh, it will be wonderful.
[straining.]
Why does everyone bolt their furniture down? [rock music playing.]
Whoa.
If I had a house, I could see it from here.
Man, hanging out on a hot asphalt-covered roof is even sweeter than I thought it would be.
Hot dogs are ready! [sizzling.]
This is the life good friends, dead birds, and Vice Principal Mitch's commandeered mini fridge.
I could stay up here all night.
Okay, a raindrop just touched my hair.
- Let's get the hell out of here.
- Calm down.
We can ride out the sprinkle in the stairwell.
Uh-oh.
[thunder booms.]
Your pee was a devil's bargain.
This is the end! What? I'm gonna be right one of these times.
[thunder booms.]
Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God When's Garrett gonna get here? I can't wait till Garrett gets here.
He's probably picking up a pie.
Garrett never comes empty-handed.
- He's been in our house? - When did you get home? Three hours ago! [doorbell rings.]
Garrett! Harris family, I want you to meet B-B-Bryce Bryce baby! x Sorry we're late this guy insisted we stop and get a pie.
That's so Garrett.
I have a very special surprise for everyone.
The girls have prepared a musical number.
- Huh.
Squish.
- Six - Uh-uh! - Cicero! Lipschitz! - BOTH: He had it coming ♪ - Great stuff.
Hey, you know what'd be really fun? "Spouse of Cards"? The game that tells you which player knows their spouse the best.
Let's get started.
I'll go first.
Who's your spouse's first celebrity crush? - Take this one, Garrett.
- Oh, I should know this.
The guy on the paper towels Brawny! He's hot, but he wasn't my first.
Actually, it was Hulk Hogan, brother.
- [laughs.]
- How'd you know that, Jack? Me and Bryce go back like four flats on a Cadillac.
Well, who was my first celebrity crush? I don't know.
Next question.
Who would not corroborate Bryce's UFO sighting? It says that on the card? Answer the question, Garrett.
It's Patrick another point for me.
Daddy's good at this game.
It's an age-old story.
A good man sells his integrity for a cup of pee.
[thunder booms, students clamoring.]
Huh? My mini fridge! Mr.
Mitch, help! No one warned us about the roof! Uh, I'll give you all the pee you want! Cup your hands! Hold tight, kids! I'm about to get high.
Then I'm gonna climb that cord and save you.
[students shout.]
Oh, hell, no.
I'm coming up straight! [grunting.]
Wrong again, Gare-bear! It was in seventh grade at the Smithsonian, and Bryce was wearing his BOTH: Metallica T-shirt.
[imitating guitar solo.]
Name the gift you gave to Bryce that he loved the most.
Simple a personalized cameo from the guy who played Kevin on "The Office.
" - He loved it.
- Yes, yes.
That's correct.
- Next question.
- Bryce, come on Okay, I hated it.
It started out nice, but he just kept riffing.
You told Jack that but not me? Oh, does that hurt your feelings? Jack, this game is not, "A 'funnymoon' we'll never forget.
" And we know you wrote all those questions.
- What's going on? - What? It bothers you that Bryce and I share everything? You're stressing me out, Annie.
Bryce, why don't you come over here and find my spot? - Uh, what? - Should we be watching this? Absolutely not.
Pie me.
It's starting to feel like you used our nice afternoon together to make a petty little point.
Yes, Bryce gets it! High five, Bryce! [imitates guitar solo.]
Wow, okay.
I'm flying a red-eye to Tulsa tonight.
Let's go, Garrett.
Thank you for having us, Annie.
- Hell of a show, girls.
- Bye, Bryce! See ya, man! Oh, my God, that was cooler than the bus driver we had who talked about Bitcoin the entire field trip.
What the hell's going on? Uh, nothing.
Just chilling on the old ground.
Look out! The Vice Principal mini fridge? Were you students on the roof? How did you get up there? Promise not to shake us and hold us upside down? No.
[students groan.]
- I gave them the key.
- Mr.
Mitch, you don't have to do this.
And I told them to go up there.
You really don't have to do this.
And I told 'em I'd kill 'em if they didn't go up there.
Yeah, okay, you're kind of on your own here.
Mr.
Mitch, you are no longer Vice Principal.
The deer have already been informed.
Mmm.
It's over, Veronica.
Let him go.
Whoa.
I can't believe you covered for us after what jerks these guys were to you.
Nah, you kids were right to blackmail me.
It showed me the limitations of my character.
You know what? Now that I'm plain old Mr.
Mitch the teacher again, tomorrow let's watch a movie that addresses the greatest battle in military history "World War Z.
" [students cheering.]
Sorry you're not gonna get that town house.
I'm in escrow, baby.
I'm the bank's problem now.
Well, if my pee would help, no strings attached.
I don't understand.
I put you in your place and drove a wedge between a lovely couple.
Why don't I feel better? Girls, let's help him out with our superior emotional intelligence.
No, I can get it.
Uh All right, just tell me.
I know you think you were jealous of Garrett, but you were really just jealous of our friendship, because, well, frankly - You don't have any friends! - I have friends.
There's you guys, Duncan, this dude Plungie from work.
You need someone who shares your interests, not just tolerates them, someone who'll go back-to-back with you and shred air guitars.
Oh, my God, it was Bryce all along, wasn't it? Go to him, Jack.
But he's on a plane for Tulsa that leaves in 12 minutes! Then you'd better haul ass! - Why do you have my car keys? - Go! Go! Go! [Asia's "Heat of the Moment".]
♪ [tires screech.]
♪ [Tasers buzzing.]
♪ - No wait! - Sir, you can't get on that plane! But I have to tell my wife's work husband's husband - how I really feel! - Why the hell didn't you say so? It was the heat of ♪ [grunts.]
Bryce, before you fly to Tulsa and then back later today, I need to say something.
Jack, they're doing the flashlight thingy, so I got to go.
All I wanted to do was spite my wife and your stupid husband, but somewhere along the way, I fell for you.
Bryce, will you be my guy-friend? Sure.
He said "sure"! [cheers and applause, gunshots.]
So when do you want to hang? - Have you ever been to Tulsa? - Damn it, you rock.
[engine whirrs, tires squeal.]
Patrick, scoot over, and next time you see an alien, you corroborate! Hmm.
So, Bryce, want to back-to-back guitar shred? Well, I should be flying the plane, but [both imitating guitar solo.]
- [passengers scream.]
- Hold on.
I can steer with my foot.
Where is the weirdest place you've ever made whoopee? On the high-school roof.
- Whoopee means sex.
- Oh, then never mind.
What did you think whoopee meant? I don't know, but I buried mine under a pile of leaves.
Okay, we gave it a shot.
Let's do something more family friendly.
Five, six, seven, eight.
ALL: If you'd have been there ♪ If you'd have seen it ♪ I bet ya you would have done the same ♪ So I said to him, "You pop that gum one more time" And he did.
So I shot off two warning shots into his head.
ALL: He had it coming, he had it coming ♪ Oh, cool, a show! They won't notice a few fries.
[humming along.]