Duncanville (2020) s03e08 Episode Script

She Snoops, She Scores!

Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪
Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪
Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪
Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪
Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪
Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪
- Mommy!
- Aaaaaaah!
- Duncan!
- Duncan!
You're strong, Daddy.

Break it!
Oh, no.
That's just a
gimmick to get suckers worked up
so they buy a phone case
they don't need.

- If you can break it, it's free.

- Gimme!
Why won't you break?!
I! Want! You!
- So! Bad!
- Ah, this could be a while.

They actually let you camp out
in the store for three weeks?
Well, I had to do
a little light vacuuming
and help steal customer
data, but I'm first
in line for the Distractor 12,
the last smartphone
I'll ever need
for the next six months.

I heard it has a new
texting and driving feature
where the phone drives
while you text.

- I heard it lets you talk to the dead.

- First of all, I'm excited to say
we received enough
phones for all of you.

- Yeah!
- Whoo!
I'm even more excited
to announce that we sold
all but one to Russian bots!
- Da!
- Boo!
This is an outrage!
I've been standing
next to a lady who peed
in a bucket for three weeks!
Hey, a little respect.

I'm still your mayor!
To make this experience
even more annoying,
we're randomly sending
out a code to one customer
in line who will receive
the last Distractor 12.

Bex, you're a religious freak.

- Hit up your boy God for me!
- Almighty Lord,
deliver thy pin code unto
Yangzi who art in line.

I got it!
I got the Distractor!
I'm better than all y'all!
- Aw!
- Congratulations, Yangzi!
- I know how much you wanted this.

- Yeah, dude, whatever.

I wasted a miracle on that?
My youth pastor's in the hospital!
- Aaaah!
- No mercy, Jing! No mercy!
Mom, look! Pop Sockets,
Pop Sockets, Pop Sockets!
Sock puppets?
What are you saying?
- Slow down.

- A Pop Socket
is an amazing invention
that helps you
hold your phone for hours, even
after carpal tunnel sets in.

I need one or I'll die!
- Okay, get one.

- You're amazing.

- I love you forever.

- No, I mean you pay for it.

I hate you!
You make me sick!
Hey! Enough, damn it.

You want this damn crap, then
you need to get a damn job.

That's right, I've been binging
old episodes of Bernie Mac again.

America, I'm sick and tired
of these damn kids.

If Kimberly keeps talking
about Pop Sockets,
she's gonna get
popped in her socket.

When I was your age,
I babysat all the time.

I even made enough money to
buy a VHS tape of "No Way Out"
- starring Kevin Costner.

- Rrrrllll
Can't I get a job
more in my skill set,
like guessing which pills
middle-aged women are on?
You're babysitting,
and that is final.

Geez, take your
benzos and estrogen.

Benzos and estrogen?
I'm gonna bend-zos kids over
and whip their ass-trogens.

Quit it!
Kimberly, you psycho!
Mom, Kimberly stuck her
Cinnabon in my hair!
I'm acting out 'cause I don't
want to be a stupid babysitter!
- Duncan, just eat around it.

- I'm trying!
Why does this always happen
on Sugar for Dinner night?
Just plant 'em in front
of the TV and let 'em crash.

- Hmm.

- Hi, Bradley.

- I shot a flamethrower today!
- I'm pwanting an organic garden.

- Hey, Patricia.

- Hello, Annie.

- Kids, huh?
- I know, we mom so hard,
don't we, girl?
Welp, it's wine o'clock.

- Bye! Ha ha!
- Ha ha.
It's 4:00, girl.

And check this out.

The Distractor 12
takes reverse selfies!
Back of my head!
- How did it do that?
- Who cares? Blam! CAT scan app!
Damn, dude!
Your rotator cuff is shot!
Who cares? I live so close
to the cell tower,
my internal organs are
probably like fried chicken,
but the signal's so good, I get
breaking WorldStar headlines.

- So? We all do.

- From tomorrow!
Fauci and Lizzo
- announced they're dating!
- Say what?!
Oh, no!
They just called it quits.

I thought Fizzo was forever.

I'm out.

Hey, this is fun and all,
but it's 2:00 a.
and my mom's upset
we've been shouting "whoa"
- and "damn" so much.

- Yeah, I have to be up 5:00 a.

to make my grandma
hard-boiled eggs.
Good night.

Your loss, 'cause
the clicks keep coming.

"Soldier Reunites
With Favorite Stripper.

You'll Cry Your Eyes Out.


"Serial Killer Faints
During Sentencing.
" Like.

"Woman Stabs Sister
Over Last Curly Fry.

Like and share.

Class, you're in for a treat.

I finally completed
my Hamilton-esque musical,
but from England's point of view.

It's called "George.
I'm George, I'm George ♪
And I like to eat porridge ♪
'Cause I'm British
and I'm skittish ♪
About Valley Forge ♪
Hey, Yangzi, I'm spittin'
my heart out here.

- Phone down!
- "Man Lucky To Be Alive
After Firework Thrown
Inside His Convertible.
- Like.

- What the hell? Your battery's dead.

"Meth Head Dressed As Santa
Won't Stop Doing Pull-Ups.

He just got the Distractor 12.

He's been on it all night.

Yeah, he accidentally sent
me a reverse nude this morning.

Oh, no.

I had to attend a boring
two-hour Zoom
conference about this.

It's called "Scrolliosis.
And it's hella fatal.

Or somethin' bad.

I turned my screen off
to eat cereal.

Bottom line,
he's tweaked out on data,
and I gotta take his phone.

Duncan, Wolf, hold him down.

Bex, put your book bag
over his head.

The rest of you, sign these NDAs.

Okay, here we go.

- Mia, if he kills me, you're the teacher.

- Yes!
Okay, Kimberly.

All great babysitters
have one thing in common.

Their moms are too cheap
to buy them a Pop Socket?
No, they keep the kid alive.

The number one threat
to any child
- the deadly grape.

- Goo-goo, ga-ga.

That grape looks too big
for my tiny throat,
but I'm going to pop it
into my mouth anyway.

I'm acting.

Just remain calm,
take off the child's shoe,
and tickle their foot
until they giggle it out.

- I'm pretty sure you do the Heimlich.

- We'll see about that.

Tickle feet!
- Ooh
- Why am I even doing this?
No one's responded to my flyer.

You put up one!
On a bee's nest!
For people
who gather fresh honey.

While gathering fwesh honey
for my herbal tea this morning,
I noticed your advertisement.

We require your services
this evening.

- Get out of here, you little freak!
- You need a babysitter?
My pwarents got tickets to
"This American Life on Ice,"
and my regular sitter is
doing her dissertation at MIT.

I don't know what any of
that means, but she'll take it!
Mommy, no!
I spent 36 hours
in labor with that child.

She can spend a couple hours
doing some child labor!
Damn, it's hard coming up
with these turns of phrase!
Hey! I used to be able to
smoke these on this network!
That's some bull, Fox Standards!
Okay, Kimberly, we just have a few
healthy boundaries for Bradley.

No screens, no sugar, no games
with chutes and/or ladders,
no music after 1930,
and make sure
he takes his
Mare of Easttown Vitamins.

I like to eat the ponytail first.

I promise Bradley
will get my full attention.

- What's your Wi-Fi password?
- Oh, we don't have Wi-Fi.

- It turns your insides to fried chicken.

- Come on, honey.

I want to see Ira Glass
lace up his skates.

Bonsoir, Patwicia.

So what do we
do for the next three hours?
Play peek-a-boo or some crap?
Heavens no.

I have a snack
one gwape, cut safely
in half lengthwise,
then tuck myself in
to read Dostoevsky.

- Good night.

- Wow, a whole night to myself with
No Wi-Fi!
Well, I do have a lot
of homework to do.

"It was the best of times,
it was the worst of times.
God, pick a lane.

Screw this.

I'm gonna snoop.

ED? I thought her
husband's name was Tom.

Oh, my God, it's huge!
Who needs a tote bag this big?
And why do they keep it
in their nightstand?
This place is so boring.

Huh? Oh, that's right.

She's a therapist!
Straitjackets and people's
private pain yes, please.


The air is salty with tears.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Of course, I'll have
to report what you told me
to the authorities.

Her secret files!

No! No!
I'm not addicted to my phone.

I just need something to keep
my hands busy at parties.

Come on, guys.

It's your boy!
It's just an overnight
detox, dude.

Your phone is killing you.

And you're annoying
the hell out of us!
Just let me see how Jason
Derulo's vacation is going.

He needs engagement!
He's Hulking the duct tape!
- Run!
- Aah!
Jason Derulo!
That is it.
I am
putting him out of his misery.

- Bex, no!
- What?
- I'd want you to bash my brains in.

- I love babysitting!
- Home invasion! Aah!
- I knew you'd love it!
So what did you like most?
A parent's trust?
A child's hug?
Rubbing your bare feet
all over their carpet?
- That was always my favorite.

- I liked the part
where I got the money
and it was over.

They're even having me
back tomorrow night!
More importantly, I
learned so much, like
why Helen Diggins always
smells like bananas.

It's because she likes to
smear them all over her body!
And how do you know this?
Patricia is Helen's therapist.

It was in her secret file.

you're in a position of trust.

- You're not supposed to be snooping.

- So, you don't want to hear
what Old Man Johnson can't stop
doing in a public bathroom?
Let me get some wine.

Aw, it's so sad that
Mitch never got
the approval of Mee-maw Mitch.

Here's one that'll pick us up,
"Mayor Jen's Hit and Run.

"Annie Harris!"
- Let's see what this psycho's up to!
- I'm not a patient of Patricia's.

"Annie Harris
is not my patient "
- See?
- "But she should be.
Oh, why do I always
jump in so fast?
"She parents her
children with TV, sugar,
- and unfettered access to flamethrowers.
- One time!
"She stresses out her
poor husband so much,
"I once saw him eat
an entire sheet cake,
"crouched in the bushes,
singing 'happy birthday to me, '
- while weeping.
- Candles and all.

But it's not your fault.

I'm just powerless over cake.

She's blaming me for everything.

- I'm a damn fine matriarch.

- Cheers to that!
- Ah!
- Nobody judges my mom but me!
No way I'm babysitting
for her tomorrow.

- Oh, yes, you are!
- Because we're the bigger people.

- Right, honey?
- Hell no!
While she's babysitting,
we're gonna snoop the crap
out of Patricia's house
to get dirt on her.

Don't you want to hear
about Coach Walters'
- alternate personality Kirk?
- Coach Walters is Kirk?
- He's not yelling anymore.

- Yo, Yangzi! You dead?
How long was I running
full-speed into the door?
- About 12 hours.

- Ah! What is that
- that giant fiery ring light in the sky?
- Are you talking about the sun?

Has that always been there?
- Whoa! A flying emoji!
- No, that's just a butterfly.

How did I not notice all
this dope stuff before?
Because you were
too busy following
the Twitter fight between Olivia
Rodrigo and Oscar the Grouch.

He called her trash and she
didn't realize it was a compliment.

Welp, I got bit by a
weird bug out here and I
can't feel my leg, so I'm
going to urgent care.
- Super proud of you, Yangzi.

- See?
I told you that serious
addiction is not that serious.

All right, I'm just
gonna stay here and marvel
at all the wonders around me!
Real life is my social media now.

Hello, little emoji.

I like you.

Like, like



made his chamomile tea,
read me his one-act play,
and put himself to bed.

Let's do some snooping.

Annie, I'm not really
on board with this.

Jack, this woman accused me
of ruining my family's life
with my poor choices!
Now help me ransack her
house, Jing's home alone.

I turned on the stove
all by myself!
I told you, I've already
been through this place.

- You're not gonna find anything.

- That's 'cause you're an amateur!
When I was babysitting,
I was the queen of snooping.

I found Polaroids
in a bag of frozen peas
that ended a marriage!
Jack, pull up the carpet!
Kimberly, those books
might be hollow!
Crack one open
for once in your life!
Jeez, Mom, you don't
have to get mean.

Sorry, sorry!
My heart is racing!
Guys, I found something
under the carpet!
Original hardwood floors!
These are gorg!
What were they thinking?
Why don't you go
home and watch Jing?
My imaginary friend dared
me to jump from this window!
Yep, yep, yep.

There's gotta be an ex-husband's
corpse in these walls.

Kimberly, use your little
hands and feel around.

- What are you doing?
- Hmm?
Kimberwy, Annie,
you twashed my house.

America, I should have bought
her the damn Pop Socket.

Or the damn sock puppet.

Whatever the damn
thing's called.

Sorry about all
the language tonight.

Bradley, I'm begging you,
as your babysitter,
don't tell your mom about this.

Think of all the fun
we had together.

Remember when I
let you go to bed?
That was fun.

Okay, my wips are sealed.

For a pwice.

There's one thing I always
dweam of doing, but mother
always says no late
night bweakfast at Danny's.

Danny's? You mean that
Denny's type restaurant
that's called Danny's?
Late night at Danny's
is no place for a child!
I want to experience the freak
show that is the weal America.

And also try the
Choconana waffles.

Or I tell mother
you ransacked our house.

Okay, okay, okay, okay.

Danny's, freaks,
waffles, and then home!
Smart girl.

- Swish!
- Hey, yo, D.
Check it out.

I call it, Latte Registration.

That's crazy.

That's crazy.

Oh, Kanye.


- Do you like it?
- It's cool.

- Yeah, but do you like it?
- It's cool.


But do you like it?!
I like it!
Leave me alone!
Thank you for your validation!
- Support Black women!
- Aah!
- Get the hell out of my house!
- Yes!
I'm just stopping
by to say don't
- let your haters get you down!
- I have haters?
Oh, and could you go tell
some strangers what I just said?
You want me to retweet
you in real life?
And throw this gif on there too!
- Yangzi.

- Oh! Print that out for me!
Coming through.

Watch your feet.

Hah! Hah! Hah!

It's as horrible as I dweamed.

Okay, Bradley.

Please finish your waffles.

That one-eyed guy
is maddogging me.

And something just
crawled over my foot.

Yup, it's an iguana.

I'm out.

Wait, I I didn't
try boysenberry!
Stay in school, little man.

Oh, God, an improv
group after their show.

We got out just in time.

- Great yelling tonight!
- Yeah!
Have you ever noticed the louder
we are, the funnier we are?
Okay, Bradley.

Into your car seat.

I've got to get you home
before your mother finds out.

Scwew Patwicia!
I've tasted fweedom and sywup!
I want to listen to explicit
lyrics and stream Euphoria!
My phone!
I'll kill you, you monster!
I bewong to the niiiiight!
That guy is good.

- Aah!
- Ohh!
Hear me, hear me!
Marvel at my
uninformed opinions!
That hat you're wearing, sir?

- That ain't it, chief!
- The salesman said it was it.

Listen, Yangzi, we're
proud of you for kicking your
online addiction, but you just
transferred it to real life.

I don't follow.


Yangzi, I'm gonna try
to be nice about this.

You're acting like a psycho
and everyone hates you.

Ah, I see your problem.

You all still have your phones.

You just need to get woke to
the dopeness of real life.

Oh, the whole world does.

Your eyes are
pinwheeling, man.

I'm gonna knock
out that cell tower
and get people off
their phones forever.

Damn it.
We have to
follow him, don't we?
Hello, stwange dog.

I'm gonna pet you
and name you Foamy.

- Show's over, Stewie!
- Hee-yeah!
Let's ride, Foamy!
Oh, God, he's riding a rabid
This is going poorly.

I'm on top of the world!
I'm staying here till my insides
turn to fwied chicken, Mother!
- Bradley, is that you?
- Yangzi, my word.

What are you doing here?
Destroying the demon
Wi-Fi that traps us
in a technological dystopia.

I'm hopped up on sugar
and acting out.

I'm tired of living in
Patricia's overpwotective bubble!
Hey, little dude,
that don't look very safe.

Stop twying to control

- Aaah!
- Oh!
Oh my God!
My phone!
It's gotta be so scared!
- Save me, Yangzi!
- Save me.

I'll give you precious
likes and follows!
Likes and follows.

Your eyes are weverse
pinwheeling, man.

Don't worry, Bradley.

I'll save your livestream.

Guess who's bizzack?
It's ya boy Yangzi, hanging
with my main man Bradley,
who's dangling for his life.

Say what up, B.

- Pwease, help me.

- As a brave sufferer of Scrolliosis,
I'm gonna use my remaining
strength to save this child.

So smash that like button!
Here we go!
Ha ha! Ahh
I'm getting so many likes,
we're floating
to safety on my validation.

- Aah!
- Oh, my God.
They're plummeting!
This is going poorly!
Thanks for calling 9-1-1.

Yeah, that's what a sane person
does when someone's in trouble.

Oh, thank God.

You see what happens when you
break the healthy boundaries?
- This is exactly what I was afraid of.

- I met a biker chick.

You know, I think
what we learned tonight
is that being a mom is hard,
and that's why women
- have to support each other.

- Get help, you lunatic.

Oh, she's right.

- I'm a disaster of a mother.

- Whatever.

You're a hardworking, frazzled,
fun mess who sometimes
gives us donuts for dinner.

And I'm glad 'cause
otherwise, I'd end up
- a weirdass kid like Bradley.

- Oh, yeah, I mean, there's gonna
be a disturbing documentary
about him someday.

And I'm gonna tell Patricia
this was all my fault
so she has to apologize to you.

You mom hard, girl.

Also, you're taking me
to the mall tomorrow and buying
- me whatever I want.

- Deal.

Well, America,
is Annie Mac perfect?
But as long as my kids love
me, I'm all right with that.

Oh, and I took Kimberly
to the mall.

I didn't buy her jack.

My kids don't tell me
what to do.

And neither do you,
Fox Standards.

I'm smoking this damn thing!
A carrot?!
Which one of you [bleep.]

swapped my cigar for a carrot?
I never thought this whole
ordeal would end with you
being one of my patients.

First day in therapy, people!
She gonna fix my
head up real good.

Mental health is mental wealth!
Sit down and stop
quoting my coasters.

What is meant for you
will not pass you by.

- Okay, I'm done.

- Save me, Patricia!
I broke into a bakery!
I ruined some poor
couple's wedding!
- Just turn a little more my way.

- How's this?
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