Duncanville (2020) s03e10 Episode Script

Moneyballs

1
Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪
Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪
Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪
Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪
Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪
Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪
Ooh!
- Mommy!
- Ahh!
- Duncan!
- Duncan!
No, no, no.
Mitochondria is
the powerhouse of the cell.
Oh, right,
I was thinking of the vacuole.
Ohh, stupid, Bex!
Stupid!
You sure you can't make my
dad's birthday dinner, Dunker?
He's getting older
and declining just enough
to forget how much
he disapproves of me.
This could be the big hug,
"Love you, Son" year!
You poor, sweet,
hopeful daddy.
Uhh, that sounds so amazing, but
we really gotta nail this project.
Please give Grandpa
my sincerest regards.
Mia, you are such
a good influence on the group.
You've turned Dunkie
into a little egghead.
What can I say, this
project's 30% of our grade,
- which is, like, half.
- It's a work in progress.
Can't I stay home, too?
I'm binging "Downton Abbey,"
and I'm obsessed.
They have accents,
- so it's educational, guv'nor.
- Nope, Kimberly.
You've gotta hold the phone
when my dad gives me that hug.
Your mom always gets her thumb
in the shot.
Yeah, I've ruined many
a precious moment
- with these lugs.
- Don't say that, Mrs. Harris.
- You've got bangin' thumbs.
- All right. Let's get outta here.
Wait for it.
Go, go, go!
Bex, pizza.
Olive!
Ladies and gentlemen,
tonight's presentation
includes blood, boobs,
ding-dongs, and decapitations.
- I give you
- "Reptilia"!
I hear it's a metaphor
for women taking up space
in a man's world,
so I'm down.
You swore
you wouldn't ruin this.
I'm still pumped
to see ding-dongs.
Oh, I have feelings
for you, too, George.
But we have
to repopulate our planet.
You cold-blooded bitch!
Damn, she's laying eggs
in his head hole!
Dad, the bridge of communication
hasn't always reached
across that endless chasm
between us,
- but I'm hoping this gift
- Yeah, yeah, yeah,
hand over the goodies,
poetry boy.
It's a phone with giant numbers!
A phone?
Who am I calling?
All my friends are dead,
and I can handle crimes myself.
I put my number on speed dial.
You can call me,
and maybe we can
finally start rebuilding
our relationship?
- Hello?
- Did you get a gift receipt?
Hey, why don't we order food
and eat it as quickly as possible
- so we can leave?
- Ooh, I see what I want.
Everyone's
so touchy these days.
George Bush Sr. did that all
the time, and everyone loved him.
Is the party over?
Where's my gift bag?
No, no, I knew your
grandfather would do
something horrendous,
so I have a cake at home.
Oh, quite a little woman
you got there, Jackie.
Well, if you approve of her,
you approve of me.
Never said that. Put
cake in my mouth, not words.
This is
who you want to impress?
Hey, Dad,
see that bail bond place?
I fixed the plumbing there
the other day.
Pretty cool, huh?
He's asleep, Jack.
Thank you, Mr. President.
I've never laid eggs in a head
of state.
Female president!
What the hell, Duncan?
Wha Wolf!
You trashed my house!
That's it, man.
Friendship's over.
- Sick study group.
- Learned a ton.
- Happy b-day, Dick.
- Get a haircut.
Is that the filthy
NC-17 lizard sex movie
Congress warned me about?
That movie costs, like, $30 to order.
He must have stolen
your credit card pin, Dad.
That's probably
how he got those pizzas, too.
- Kick him out, and give me his room.
- She's lying, Dad.
She's had it out for me
since she was born.
So if I check my credit card
right now on this phone,
I won't see
any of those charges?
- Absolutely not.
- $140!
Fine, I stole from you and lied,
but only because
you don't trust me.
That's it, up to your room,
and go to bed around,
uhh, 11:00-ish.
Sleep tight.
Don't let the bedbugs bite.
- I love you.
- Oh, for crying out loud!
You call that
putting your foot down?
Gonna throw up the steaks
I had for breakfast and lunch.
- Dad, wait, I can do better!
- That was pathetic.
Anytime you gave me guff,
I grabbed you by the shirt
and screamed in your face,
"My roof, my rules!"
But you're too patient
and understanding.
Apparently,
you're not done breastfeeding.
It's humiliating.
My senior trolley's here.
Doesn't this thing
go any faster?
You used my credit card,
trashed the place,
and ruined big hug-love you
night with my horrible father.
I was gonna pay you back
if I got caught.
Too little, too late.
You're cut off.
- Don't ask me for one penny.
- You can't do that!
The hell I can't!
My roof, my rules!
Now go to your room,
slam the door,
- and say "I hate you!"
- You can't tell me what to do.
I love you. Ha!
Dude, why are you
making hobo lemonade?
My dad cut me off.
Can I have some
of your French Stewart fries?
Sorry, I'm out.
Fine, I'll just lick salt
and ketchup off my palms.
You gotta get some money,
or I'm gonna puke.
- Just get a job like the rest of us.
- You all have jobs?
Is that where you
are when I can't find you?
Yeah, Mia's at Papa Mom's,
Yangzhi's at Teen Zone,
I work at the pet store,
and Wolf
Wait, what is it you do again?
My stepdad and I
paint people's house numbers
on the curb and threaten
them if they don't pay.
Money is power, D.
- You want your dad's respect.
- Not really.
All right, you wanna be able
to buy some fries.
More than
anything in the world.
Then get a job
and grab that power.
- And the world will be yours.
- Where'd you get that?
The pet store
pays me in hamsters.
Keep the change.
Hm?
Whoa, that's what John Wick
used to kill those guys.
I want that job.
So, Duncan,
do you have any knowledge
of hardware and do you
enjoy talking to people?
Are you gonna interview me
or just ask a bunch of questions?
I like him.
What do you think, Fish Sticks?
Well, I'm hiring him anyway.
Thanks, Hal, I'll earn
your trust, Fish Sticks.
Well, you didn't steal from
me, and you didn't start a fire.
- You earned this.
- Ooh! Ah, ah, ooh!
We're all yours, Duncan,
and your dad
- can't do anything about it.
- Thanks, Quaker Oats, guy.
I gotta say,
I'm pretty disappointed
in "Reptilia 2: Headless in Seattle"
Yeah, the franchise
kind of lost a thread.
Too much love story.
I never thought I could settle
for one man's head hole,
but here I am.
Reptilia, I
I took the job in Los Angeles.
Ahh!
I'll have what she's having
a dismembered penis.
Yass, queen!
Unbelievable, Duncan!
Again?
How'd you figure out my pin?
Chill, Dad, "Reptilia 2"
is exclusive to Hulu,
which I paid for myself,
along with these pizzas,
and I didn't ask
you for one penny.
But, but, but,
what about this mess?
It's all good, Pops.
I hired the classiest cleaning
service in Oakdale.
Sir, would it have killed
your friends to take their shoes off?
Hush, Jingy.
Serve those garlic knots
before I give you
a knot in the 'ead.
Have a slice and watch a movie,
fellow working stiffs.
My treat. I got a job
at Hal's Hardware.
- Mmm!
- Wow!
Look at our son,
contributing to the family.
Wow, my roof, my rules
actually worked.
I'm so proud of me
and you, Duncan.
Stuffed crust?
Nicely done, our gainfully employed son!
Oh, Dunkie,
you might not live
- with us forever, after all.
- Sandwich kiss!
Muah!
- So can we hit play?
- Absolutely!
We'll all
watch as an unlikely family.
Okay, screeching lizard sex.
Turn it off and go home!
Ohh!
Jack, look what Mr. responsibility
bought us for breakfast
- a chocolate fountain.
- Grab a skewer, Dad.
Take your scrambled eggs
for a dip.
Delicious! You know
what else tastes good?
Having a third income.
Yeah, we don't have
to work overtime anymore.
We finally have work-life balance,
like those Nordic countries
always blabber about.
Maybe I'll come by
the hardware store today
and do myself the honor
of having my son sell me
- some drain de-sludger.
- I'd like that.
I'm divin' for strawberries, I am.
Jingy, you daft tosser,
two more minutes,
and up to clean
Duncan's quarters.
He's not paying
us to swim in sweets.
I taste top notch, I do.
Dad, wait until you approve
of what I turned Duncan into.
You are gonna approve
in your pants.
I thought you were
taking me to the doctor.
Next stop, next stop.
Duncan got a job.
Thought we might
pop in and say hello.
Doctor said he had
some urgent news
about my test results.
Said he legally had to
tell me in person.
We'll get there.
Hey D, you wanna grab
a beer after work today?
Yeah, I do, but we can't.
Some day.
There he is, Joe Lunch Pail.
Oh, hey, Dad,
got your de-sludger.
Mmm, pumpkin spice.
How do you like that?
Told my son
to do something, and he did it.
How do you approve me now?
- Hm, more so.
- Go on, take him for a spin.
All right.
Make me a key, Red.
Sorry, I haven't been
trained on the key machine yet.
But I can tell you
seven ways you don't know
you're harassing women
in the workplace.
I know all the ways
I'm harassing women.
- Just make the damn key.
- Dad, let me handle this.
Duncan, impress my father
and make the damn key!
What's your deal? Last night
you were sandwich kissing me.
I'm putting my foot down,
that's my deal.
- Now go make that key.
- Well
What the hell's a sandwich kiss?
It's a little trick I use
to keep him in line.
Pretty approvable, right?
Ow! Father, your key.
Wow, you showed your son
who's in charge.
- Approval accomplished.
- My roof, my rules, right?
Ahh, yeah.
I can't believe he came to my
place of part time work
and humiliated me
in front of Fish Sticks.
Damn, Duncan, your dad's
turned into a real Dick Jr.
I thought he was proud of me,
but all he wants to do is
boss me around
and brag about his roof.
Duncan, look around, you are
surrounded by shingles
and strapped with
an employee discount.
Out roof that man,
and it's your rules.
Damn, you're good.
Lemme buy you a beer.
Someday.
Hi, I'm Guy Fieri,
and this is
"Guy Fieri's Dumpster Dive."
The great thing about
eating from a hospital dumpster
is that sometimes they
hide meds in the pudding.
Oh, holy moly,
stromboli E. coli!
That's what I call loaded pudding.
Mommy, can we do that?
No, Guy is a professional
human garbage disposal.
- He just makes grossness look fun.
- He's sweating a lot.
Hey, there's our working man.
Uh. Hey, Mom.
Nice to see you.
Hey! Guy Fieri was just
stumbling into the ER.
- Quiet, baby Yoda's talking.
Awww!
Nice try, Duncan,
but my roof, my rules.
Yeah, about that you know that
bad patch of roof
over your bathroom?
While you guys were out,
I replaced it.
- Huh?
- Oh, Dunkie, thank you.
I am so tired of bats leering
at me while I'm in the tub.
- So now it's my roof, my rules.
- That's not how roof rules work.
Remember, you're proud
of your son,
- and it's just one TV show.
- Okay, okay. Good one, Duncan.
I'm fine watching
"The Mandalorian" with you.
- Is your room clean?
- What? Of course it is.
Really?
So if I go up there right now,
I'm not gonna see your dirty
plumber clothes on the floor?
Ohh, you're lucky I'm
dying to see "The Mandalorian."
That's what I thought.
- So Duncan's in charge now?
- Holy moly, stromboli!
Stupid mattress.
Stupid Duncan,
paying to fix the roof,
using my words against me.
Ahh! Ohh! Ohh! Hey!
Oh, Jack.
If you thought Baby Yoda
was trouble, this season,
they've got a toddler,
Chewbacca who is a handful.
It's not fair, Annie.
He doesn't get to boss
me around just 'cause
he put some shingles
on the roof.
It's just a natural rite
of passage when the child tests
the boundaries of
the father-son power dynamic.
I read all about it
in this great parenting book
by a socialite mom
with four nannies.
Hey, bud, I know I came
down a little hard on you,
- but nice work.
- Thank you, Duncan.
That's very generous of you.
In fact, why don't
you take the trash out
- and call it a night?
- I already did.
So if I go into that kitchen
right now
- Annie!
- Feeling his oats, Jack, calm down.
And that trash
really does need to go out.
It's disgusting.
- It's not fair!
- Well, life ain't fair!
Hey, Duncan, could you
please move,
- you're in my space.
- It's my space now.
You can park under that tree
full of diarrhea birds.
Oh, you gotta be kidding me.
- Hey!
- I just got home from work.
Can I have five minutes
of peace and quiet
while I drink my Dew?
By the way,
hair's looking a little shaggy
in the back, poetry boy.
But but
You're doing great, honey.
Building a confident young man.
Jack, come here.
What do you need, may man?
- Oh! Duncan, come on.
- Get me some toilet paper.
- Get your own toilet paper.
- Really?
You want me to stand up and
get doo-doo all over the house?
- I'm shutting this door.
- Hold on, mister.
The rotisserie chicken
in the fridge.
Did you really
not see my name on it?
Two words: Military school!
I can't take it anymore.
He's not becoming a young man,
he's becoming an old bastard.
Let's see:
Binky says he'll go too far,
but then he'll recalibrate
and a new beautiful
family structure will emerge.
We have to trust Binky.
Dad, I had a lot
of time to think on the can,
and I know I've
been pushing you lately.
We need to do
something different.
You mean like the emergence
of a new family structure?
Sure, yeah.
So, anyway,
I'm sleeping in your bed tonight.
You guys go sleep wherever.
Not my room, though.
- What?!
- Uh!
I work and go to school.
You guys just work.
My money puts a roof over
your head,
rotisserie chicken
in your mouths,
and ad-free Hulu in your face.
It is my roof given right
to sleep in your bed
and enjoy cooling memory gel
at least twice a week.
Anyway, you guys
get your stuff together,
I'm gonna blast my butt
with your hand shower.
Okay, before you say anything,
I'm just gonna skip
to the end of the book.
Okay.
Ooh, there's a supplement!
Her son wrote it.
From jail.
Oh, my God, he killed her.
And they made a Lifetime movie
about it with Kaley Cuococo.
Jack, you've let your son
do whatever
he wants for too long.
Take control!
Ahh, butt blasted.
I'm a working man with
a big old bed and I can ♪
We're taking back
control of the House,
- Duncan, go to your room.
- This is my room.
That's it, Duncan.
You're grounded.
Oh, yeah?
Then I'm cancelling
all the streaming services
I pay for.
Wha but "The Mandalorian"
finale is next week.
Binky's right, Jack.
Let him do what he wants.
Binky's dead, Annie!
I pay for things too, Duncan.
I'll shut off the electricity.
Your precious toast
just turned to bread.
I already got a generator
at Hal's with my discount.
Jingy, Kimberly,
fetch me my diesel.
Crikey, that's heavy.
That's it.
I always swore
I'd never use my dad's
favorite threat,
but I brought you into this
world and I can take you out.
Hello, Child
Protective Services?
Yeah, my dad just
threatened to kill me.
- Sure, I'll hold.
- You didn't really call 'em.
If your dad
brought you into this world
and threatened
to take you out, press one.
He's not bluffing, Jack.
I don't care!
I'm taking my roof back!
Over my freshly blasted butt!
Duncan and dad are gonna
fight on the roof.
Roof fight, yay!
I never thought
I'd have to make this call.
Your nickel, start talking.
Holy hell. Okay, I'm catching
the next senior trolley.
Be there in four hours.
- Mr. Harris, your pants!
- No time!
You shouldn't have stolen
from me.
You should've
let me entertain. Uh!
You shouldn't have
made me watch you poop!
You're the one who
didn't close your eyes, perv.
You guys wanna see my
son and grandson in a fight?
Jack, did you try, "I brought
you into this world?"
Yes!
That's how we wound up here!
How about, "I'll give
you something to cry about?"
Oh, "How'd you like
a knuckle sandwich?"
"I'll knock you into
the middle of next week?"
That always kept me in line.
That's it.
I'm going up there
and wipe that smile
off both your faces.
Ladies, enrage me.
- Give me old man strength.
- Okay.
Everyone should get to vote.
- Open the borders!
- Love is love!
- Green New Deal.
- Raahh!
Wow, look at that old boomer go.
Really wish he
had put on pants.
What the hell has
gotten into you two?
Oh, Dad, I tried to be
like you to get your approval,
but it just ended up making
my son hate me,
- and I don't want that.
- I don't hate you.
I just wanted
to see how it feels
to be the man
of the house like you are.
You see me
as the man of the house?
- Once in a while, yeah.
- Ohh. Bring it in.
Well, the important thing
is you two
wanted to kill each other,
and that's a father-son
- relationship I can respect.
- Here it comes,
the big hug, "love you, Son!"
Stop making it weird.
My balls are cold.
Close enough.
Wow, Grandpa.
Those are cold.
What a beautiful night.
Ah, just think,
somewhere out there,
the Mandalorian
hunts for his next meal.
This is actually kinda nice.
I'm glad Duncan
and Dad lost their minds.
Oh, I love seeing the sky.
Will you fall through
the roof in my bedroom?
Sure, Jingy.
Whatever you want.
Well, I'm not going
up there again to fix it.
- Jack, hand me some toilet paper.
- I'll take care of it.
Aw, three generations
of Harris men
rolling up their sleeves,
fixing a roof,
and illegally dumping tiles
behind a CVS.
Ow!
Guy Fieri?
You're a Guy guy too, Dad?
Hell yeah, the TV at the home
is stuck on the Food Channel.
Uh, you filming
a new episode, Guy?
Yeah, CVS dumpsters
are top notch, baby.
These peanut butter crackers pair nicely
with this expired cough syrup.
- Mmm.
- Dad, I don't see any cameras.
Holy moly, stromboli,
Angelina Jolie!
Look at the size
of this receipt!
Keep smiling,
and get in the truck.
He's weird as hell, but it
was still cool to meet him.
Flavortown!
Previous Episode