Eagleheart (2010) s01e02 Episode Script


Hey, kid, where you headed? Home.
You want a ride? I got some comic books.
Um - Okay.
- Hop in.
Well, here we are.
Thanks for the ride, mister! Hey, buddy.
Where you headed? Home.
You want a ride? I got some pictures of siamese twins.
Eh, boy.
All right, watch your feet ugh.
Ugh! Creepy Earl.
Who's that? He was the most wonderful man I ever knew.
When I was growing up, he would give us kids rides in his rusty van and invite us over to pet his rabbits.
Why'd he have to die? Well, if I had to guess, I'd say he got a disease from those rabbits.
In about 24 hours, this town's gonna be a dust-ridden plague zone.
If we want to die painlessly, I say we kill ourselves now.
I'll go first.
There's a fresh scar on his abdomen.
Probably a Chupacabra bite.
No, I think he was murdered.
- And what is this? - Give me that.
"Randal James Barker Frank Duggard Rudy Jay Jimmerson Earl Dandridge Neil Phipps.
" Stop.
These are the town's biggest creeps And the town's stiffest corpses.
Except Neil Phipps.
Why is someone murdering creeps? A better question is, why is your hunky-firemen calendar still on April? Oh.
Oh, hello, Sam Drake! He's the hunkiest fireman in town.
Hunkiest guy in town, period.
Oh, please.
As Shania Twain so famously said, "that don't impress a-me much.
" So, you think someone's gonna try to kill Neil Phipps? Is he a creep? He's a 46-year-old billionaire who still lives with his mother.
All right.
Let's go.
Hello?! All right.
Namibian red-eyed tarantulas The largest and rarest tarantula in the world.
And the deadliest.
They're not creepy.
And neither am I.
What do you want? We're U.
And we have reason to believe that your life may be in danger.
Well When you're the world's most successful creator of "to-do list" software, you can expect to make some enemies.
It's a risk I've learned to live with.
Can I offer you some ginger ale? I'll take a light beer, domestic, frosted mug.
I'll have some lactaid and sliced banana.
I have ginger ale.
That'll be fine.
That will be all, mother.
Well, I got to hand it to you, Phipps.
You've really got quite a rad pad here.
Yes, I do.
I guess you could say success was always on my to-do list.
And it's just you and the mother who live here? If you're asking about a wife, the answer is no.
What about, uh - Girlfriends? - No.
Women never got Neil Phipps.
What a shocker.
Hello? Really? Okay.
They found another dead creep.
What's going on? Eh, somebody's offing creeps.
We thought you were gonna be his next target.
Why does everyone think I'm a creep?! Well, it's probably because of the way you are and the things you do.
Finish your ginger ale and get out! Well, I guess we should have a look at that creep's corpse.
What do you say we go hang around the ladies' changing rooms at T.
Maxx for a while and then go to the morgue? Roger that.
What? Uh, you guys go ahead.
I'm just gonna check some things out here.
Help me! Get off of me, you creep! He was cut open in the same place as the others.
It turns out they were all missing their gallbladders.
Who cares? Well, it was recently discovered that the gallbladder secretes a chemical called Rux-40, or creepatin.
This guy's creepatin levels should have been off the charts, but there was none found in his body.
Let me see that.
Oh, geez.
Oh, that's much better.
All right, um Let me get a look at his penis.
Excuse me? Yeah, I'd like to see his penis, too, please.
Oh, my God.
You guys are creeps.
Damn it, Chris.
Where are you? Ohh.
Oh, myGod.
Sam Drake? He's the hunkiest fireman in town.
Hunkiest guy in town, period.
You can call me Samuel.
Can I call you Samuel? Susie.
Give us a hug.
What, are you too good for me?! Can you tell me what this is? It's a male hormone that produces creepiness.
What could someone do with gallons of this stuff? They could poison the water supply, turn every man in this town into a creep.
- Where did Chris and Brett go? - Ohh, I kicked those two creeps out.
They're creeps? Phipps must have slipped some creepatin into our drinks.
Ooh, yeah, that's it, baby.
Dust that shelf.
Ooh, yeah.
Ooh! Move them tchotchkes around.
That's the way I like it.
Hey! Where do you think you're going? You think you're too good for me, miss Hoity-Toity? - Get back here! - Chris! What?! Here.
Drink this.
All right.
Do you want to go to the laundromat and steal women's panties? No.
Of course not.
Whose glasses are these? Now, where's Brett? He moved in to his mother's house.
We better hurry.
Hi! Brett! Your friends are here.
Hey, guys.
You're just in time.
Ma and I were just about to try on old Halloween costumes.
Drink this.
It's the antidote to the creepatin.
Phipps put it in our ginger ale last night.
He's gonna poison the whole town with it and turn all the men into creeps so he can get all the women.
Well, a woman, at least.
That guy's smart.
But I didn't drink any of the ginger ale.
I hate ginger ale.
He never drank ginger ale! Lay off me, ma! Which is why This dragon is fighting this dragon.
Neil Phipps! You're under arrest on four counts of first-degree creepicide.
You added your name to the murder list so that we'd think you'd be one of the victims.
Very ingenious.
You got me all wrong, Monsanto.
I was simply autographing what I consider my most masterful to-do list yet.
Now, if you'll excuse me, these fine ladies are on my other to-do list.
And by "do," I mean do.
You girls aren't attracted to him, are you? Hey, compared to the creeps in this town, this guy's John Stamos.
Neil Phipps is no John Stamos.
I am so John Stamos! Attack! Whoa.
Hey, no.
Oh! Here's one last thing to put on your to-do list, Phipps "Die.
" Yes! Bite me, my children! Bite me! I'm coming, Jacko! I'm coming! Ohh! Samuel, hi.
I brought the antidote to the creepatin so you don't have to be a creep anymore.
No, thanks.
I think I'm going to stay a creep.
I'm going over to the high school to watch the girls soccer team practice.
See you around.
Goodbye, Sam Drake.
Synch by Benfo.