Eagleheart (2010) s02e01 Episode Script

Gabey, Calvin and Stu

Yoo-hoo! Gabey! Papa's home! I had to run all over town, but I finally found those new toaster strudels everybody's talking about.
Get ready to be the coolest second-grader in home school! Gabey? Gabey? Ga Aah! Gabey! Gabey, no! Oh, no, Gabey! No! No, no! I swear, I'm gonna find out who did this to you.
I'm gonna become a U.
S.
marshal.
Don't do anything crazy, you mental.
Just tell us your demand.
I want $3 million in unmarked bills.
You've got 20 minutes, or you can say goodbye to all these nice people in here.
The city can't afford that kind of payout.
Okay, you win.
Bye-bye, nice people.
So, what are we gonna do to fill the rest of the 20 minutes? Brett, stop doing things.
Just a second! - Have you seen Chris? - No, Susie, I have not.
Delivery! I didn't order any food.
Hey, well, I don't know nothin' about that, bud, but this is they address they gives me.
Put it on the desk and get out of here.
Uh, no can do.
No, I got to sees you take a bite.
Otherwise, I don't get paid.
Sorry.
New management.
New rules.
So - A taste, and then you go.
- Okay, sure.
Yeah.
Just a taste.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That's it.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Ah.
Someone order a hero sandwich? Congratulations, Monsanto.
- It was all that I had.
- Well, thank you, chief.
And thank you, everybody.
Uh, but you know what? A nod has to go to our good friend the baker here, who has crafted these delightful novelty cakes honoring each and every bloodbath for, lord knows, I don't know how long.
- It's what I do.
- Well, that's just fine.
And now I must announce with a heavy heart that I am retiring.
I've broken old Pat's record, rendering his life completely pointless.
And now it's time to hand over the reins to a new generation.
Oh, we'll do you right, Chris.
I'm not talking about you, honey.
You're already dried up.
Okay, well, adieu, everyone.
Time to shred.
Okay.
Guess I'll have to bake another cake.
Bye, everyone.
Avenge me, daddy.
Hey, let me have that.
I'm back.
I've got a little unfinished business.
Yeah! I hope you don't mind me asking, Chris, but - Hmm? - why'd you come back? A vision, Susan.
Might even say a ghost.
You see, I had another life before I was a marshal.
I had a bride, more beautiful than a limited-edition Thomas Kinkade.
Soon she was with child.
But something went wrong.
She died during childbirth.
So I raised the boy alone.
I called him Gabey, and then oh, look.
There's our guy.
Anyway, where was I? Oh, yeah.
Well, one day, I came home, and I found that Gabey had been brutally slaughtered.
The next day, I applied to be a U.
S.
marshal to track down his killer.
But every now and then, Gabey's sweet little ghost pops up to remind me just why I got into this crazy biz in the first place.
Oh, my God.
I have visions, too.
Calvin, my college boyfriend and the love of my life.
But then, one awful night Very next day, I transferred to the marshal academy.
Me too.
My vengeance guy was Stu.
He was my favorite bus boy at my favorite all-you-can-eat seafood place.
I promised I would never eat king crabs' legs again until I found Stu's killer.
Then why are we wasting our time busting random scumbags when we should be tracking down the murderers of our loved ones? - I'm up for that.
- Yeah! - Okay.
Okay.
- Okay! - Daddy! - Gabey.
Don't just try to avenge me.
It's important to also do routine drug busts.
-Really? -Yes.
You don't want tax dollars going to your own pet projects.
Bye.
- Gabey? - [Bleep] - Ohh! - Ah! Hands off me, queer bones! I don't haunt that way.
Who are you?! All right! All right! I'll spill! The truth is, I ain't really a ghost.
I've been pretending to be one for about 20 years.
My pops makes me do it so you'll keep being a marshal.
Well, hold on a second, I'm your pops.
Sorry to break it to you, pal, but you ain't.
He is.
Chief? He discovered you way before you ever met him.
He knew you had potential.
You just needed that little bit of rage to push you over the edge.
So he got in touch with your lady and let her know how she could help her country.
He was there when I got made.
And there when I "died.
" So, then, does this mean that my wife faked her death, too? Nah.
She really croaked having me.
So, why did chief need to have sex with her? 'Cause droops here ain't got the goods.
- All right! - What about my boyfriend, Calvin? Hiya, Sue.
- Did you ever really love me? - Nah.
Well, what about my favorite waiter, Stu? Oh, my God.
-Did you ever really love serving me crab legs? -Nah.
So what are you [Bleep] telling me here?! That the last 10 years, I could have been eating crab legs?! He made me do it, guys trick Susie into falling in love with me, then die Or give Brett extra crab legs, then die.
So the chief was tricking us all these years, and you're just his stooge.
Huh.
Well, I think it's time we give the chief a taste of his own dead-icine.
Gabey, got any fake blood around here? Yeah, of course.
Gabey? Boy? Oh, dear lord.
This is great.
Dear God.
This is great.
Oh, God.
The bastards didn't finish the job.
Guess I'll have to.
Better get rid of the evidence.
Time to burn this place down.
Chief, no! What are you doing here? We figured out what you were doing, and so we set this whole thing up.
So he's not really dead.
No.
He is.
You killed him.
You tricked me into killing my own boy? Go on.
Kill me, Monsanto.
Just remember I created you All of you.
I gave you purpose.
Without me, you're nothing.
Congratulations.
Your 976th and 977th kill.
How did you bake that so fast? - Is this Wednesday? - No.
It's Tuesday.
[Bleep] Oh, Chris, look.
These cakes show everything that's happened to us.
And everything that ever will.
Geez.
I don't bake them after your adventures, marshals.
I made all these cakes a long, long time ago.
Are you saying you're - God? - Charging full price for stale cakes? What I don't get is why the chief did this.
- Ask him.
- Huh.
Oh! I did what I needed to do to get the best out of you.
I hope one day you'll understand.
Chief, we forgive you.
Come on.
Let's let's get out of this place, huh? I'm sorry, marshals, but I'm afraid chief can't go with you.
Once I bake a cake, I cannot change it.
May I? Just remember, Chris, Brett, Susie Just remember that I lived.
I l Oh! Now what? What reason do we have to keep going? You don't need one.
You just Keep going.
Oh! Because it's already on the cakes.
Is it cool if I take one of these cake Bretts? No.
Oh.
Ooh.
Ow!