Eastbound & Down s03e05 Episode Script

Don't be a goddamn cowboy when we go in there.
We go in, we get the shit, we get out, okay? I won't be a fucking cowboy.
Casper, I love you.
Hey, uh, sir? You have to pay for that stuff! Hey! Run.
Hey, hey, stop! Stop those guys! Security! Security! Hey, grab yourself a churro! Fuck you! Hey! Stop it! Suck my dick, skinny! Oh, hello? Room service! I'm a Chinese man.
Oh, psych.
That wasn't funny, Chang.
Uh, what are you doing, Kenny? Andrea, I'm at a very important point in my life right now.
At a crossroads, if you will.
Now that Shane is dead, it's time, indeed, that we all move on to the next phase of our lives.
Adulthood.
We're not kids anymore.
We're in college now.
Okay.
Kate, I want to make amends with you.
Will you come over here for one second? It's okay.
I'm a grown-up now.
I want to make amends to you.
I know that I hurt your feelings with some insensitive jokes about Shane and Why don't you stand on this side of me, real quick? What I did to Kate earlier, uh, when I brought Shane's twin brother here, that wasn't a nice thing to do.
Mmm-mmm.
No, it wasn't.
Kate, I'm really sorry for what I did to you, and how I upset you, and gave you an asthma attack, okay? Thank you.
And I'm also really sorry for positioning you right here, to be the punch line of my fucking T-shirt.
That's not funny, okay? Nobody laugh at this.
Chang, it's not fucking funny.
This is exactly what I'm talking about.
It's time we grow up, okay? It's time we grow up.
Yeah.
Don't laugh.
It's not funny.
Still follows her.
Andrea, I think it's time you finally meet my son.
When am I gonna meet him? Right fuckin' now.
He's here? Oh yeah.
He's right He'sToby? Toby.
Hey, hey.
Hey, hey, where you going? Where you going? Toby, I'd like you to meet your new mother figure, Andrea.
Andrea, this is Toby.
He's a fucking baby.
And he's my son.
Come here, take him.
Go ahead and take him.
Babies are made chubby so if you drop them when they're little, they don't break.
It's cool.
Hey, baby dude.
Look at us, huh? Two mature adults, guys.
With a goddamn baby.
Hey.
What's up, players? Anybody sitting in this chair? Yeah, Corey actually just left He just left.
Oh, Corey? Well, Corey's gonna have to find a new seat.
Know what I'm sayin'? 'Cause I'm takin' his shit.
Yeah, I fucking love Chick-fil-a.
What shakin'? How's everybody doin'? Good, man.
Yeah? Mustache's looking tight, Pliskin.
Looking good.
I wanted to, uh, tip my Mermen boys off to the situation for the 4th of July.
Looks like your favorite star player-slash-team leader is hosting the biggest, baddest, most patriotic throwdown in town, all of Myrtle Beach elite is gonna be there, and guess what? All you motherfuckers are invited.
Except for Ivan.
Because he's Russian.
Why invite him to America's birthday? Heh.
It's like inviting a Jew to Christmas, you know? You don't believe, you don't get fuckin' presents.
No, that's actually cool.
Ivan's got his own thing going on, right? Yeah, no, it's no big deal.
What are you doing? Tell him.
You just told us about it.
No, it doesn't matter.
It doesn't matter.
Oh, please Ivan, lift the Iron Curtain and let me in on your secret.
Like I give a shit.
Well, Club Celebrations is paying Ivan to DJ this 4th of July party.
It's supposed to be insane.
Bullshit.
Club Celebrations? Yes.
On 4th of July? Cash money, bro.
I me, why the fuck would they do that, dude? You're Russian.
Why would they get aussian person to host a goddamn party on our nation's birthday? Because I'm top DJ? You top DJ? This fucking guy, right? No, listen.
I think this dude's about to find out that Americans on the 4th of July do not want to be stuffed into a stinky little club, raving out to the sounds of goddamn DJ Communism.
DJ Blu-Ray.
Yeah, and I'm Lenny Laser Discs.
It doesn't really fucking matter, okay? You know, we he saying in Russia.
"The wolf pack, "the alpha thinks he is the alpha, but sometimes he is actually the zeta.
" Well, sometimes in a pack of wolves, there's sometimes a Russian.
And that when the wolves find out that he's Russian, they tear his fuckin' ass apart.
Pull it in here, Mermen.
That's right.
Nope, nope.
That's right.
Boom! Position confirmed.
Team leader still.
Is ts the home of the mighty Mermen? Where my son is the goddamn star player for? What the fuck are you doing here? Well, I thought you, you'd at least be a little happy to see me and your brother.
Go on.
No, don't come over here and touch Get over there.
Hug 'im up.
God, get the fuck offa me.
Gross.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, settle down, settle down.
Hairy, disgusting thing.
We're just passing through on a little business, and we thought maybe we could catch up.
Well, I'm not interested in catching up with fucking backstabbers and betrayers.
So, have a nice trip.
I'm gonna shoot ya straight.
Since the last time I saw you, shit ain't been goin' so hot.
Been some dark months.
Good.
I had to ask myself, when did it all get so fucked up? And I traced it all the way back, to when I walked out on your mom.
I'm here to win her back.
Win her back.
Well, we ain't been so good about keeping up over the years, and I've misplaced her mailing address.
Maybe you can give it to me? You have lost your fucking mind.
I don't see you for twenty-seven years, in Mexico you had me thrown in jail, now you come back, you want me to help you fuck my mom? That's all I'm askin'.
Come on, Kenny.
Everybody deserves a second chance.
Yeah, except for you, and that baby gorilla over there.
As far as I'm concerned, both of you can KOA the fuckin' night away in that RV.
I ain't helping you.
This venue is fucking fantastic.
This is great.
We'll put the nitrous station over here, maybe we'll throw the stage for the band over there.
We're gonna need to find a nice area to kind of display the prostitutes.
You writing all this stuff down, Steven? What? Are you writing this down? Oh, uh, sorry, my head's elsewhere I guess, uh Would you excuse us for one moment, please? Sure.
Steven.
Dude.
I need you to fucking focus, all right? This Russian fucker's trying to ur-sup me as the goddamn team leader.
If that shit happens, I can kiss the majors goodbye, okay? This is when you give me positive reinforcement.
What the fuck is going on with you, Stevie? I fuckin' did it! What'd you do, murder somebody? I fuckin' cheated on Maria! What? How the fuck did you do that? I don't know! Ever since I came here, all I wanted to do was stick my dick in different pussies, and I did, and then the moment I did, I get fuckin' guilt-ridden, and I feel fuckin' terrible about it.
Yeah, of course you do, Stevie, 'cause you're not like me, you're not someone who's cut out to cheat, man.
You're not emotionally equipped to carry the guilt.
What the fuck are you doing, man? I fuckin' cheated on her! Stevie, stop it, get a hold of yourself, okay? There are much bigger things at stake here than your marriage.
I can't have you guys going through some marital drama during my goddamn party, okay? I don't wanna fuck up your party, but I fuckin' need to fuckin' tell her! Stevie, you do not fucking tell her anything, all right? Ow! That will only make shit worse.
Put it inside, handle it like a baller, take the shit to the grave.
Handle it like a baller.
And now believe that shit.
I'm not gonna tell her.
Chill, dawg.
Fuckin' pat yourself on the back! You got your dick wet.
I didn't even see that coming.
Okay.
Hey.
We'll go ahead and take this.
It's, it's fuckin' awesome.
My associate here will get you the deposit.
What in the eff? Well, hello to you, too, Kenny.
How the fuck did you two find out where I live? Well, we just used computers, and Look.
I don't care how you found out, I don't want you here.
I don't want you having a goddamn Cool Ranch Dorito and Cheetos fuckin' party in front of my oceanfront villa, all right? Oceanfront villa, that's a good one.
Look, what the fuck is so funny? Don't make fun of my home.
That's not a home, Kenny, that's a short-term, low-end, beachfront rental.
Casper, don't laugh.
You don't even own property, motherfucker.
Look, son.
We need one favor.
Casper needs to use your bathroom.
It's an emergency.
I don't really want guests taking shits in my bathroom.
What is it, a one or a two? Gotta empty my butt.
Nope, then we're not doin' it.
No, no, he just has to go number one.
He just said he has to empty his butt.
That signifies taking a shit.
He just got to this country.
He doesn't know the difference.
Gotta, I gotta do a number one.
You are really taking advantage of my Christian hospitality.
Thank you.
You're evil.
You can use the bathroom, but only for number ones.
No number twos.
I see what you feed this motherfucker, and it's disgusting.
Casper, the bathroom is down the hall right down here.
Well, I guess the feeling went away.
Casper! Do not mess with these, they're all alphabetized.
Don't touch my Criterions.
Come on, Kenny.
Just give me your mama's mailing address.
Where do you keep it? I'm not helping you! I already told you! Maria! My son is screaming, will you please tend to him! Hold on.
Are you telling me I'm a goddamn granddaddy? That's amazing! Come here, you sweet little thing.
Say hello to your granddaddy! No, that's not gonna happen.
No reason to say hi to him.
This man is a child molester.
He is to be nowhere near the baby.
I'm not a child molester.
He is.
He has fucked a bunch of little boys.
He's the devil, fuck him, take Toby and leave.
Bye.
Come on, Kenny, you can't keep a granddaddy away from his grandbaby.
This is what happens when you betray me.
You get iced the fuck out.
Now you and shit-for-brains hit the fuckin' tracks, or I'm calling the police.
No need for that.
Casper.
Come on, we are not welcome here.
You're not taking that.
Leave.
Go.
Goodbye.
Adios.
Que? Nothing.
You're just so beautiful.
Gracias.
There's something I need to talk to you about.
Something I need to get off my chest.
Sorry.
Oh.
What you want to say? Uh Nothing.
Just, uh that I love you.
I love you, too.
I cheated on you.
Que? No, I'm just kidding.
I'm just kidding.
No.
No, that's not right.
I, I did cheat on you.
For real.
I had sex with another girl.
It was Uh Maria? Maria? II I don't know Maria? No, Maria? - No, Maria, wait, wait, wait! - Wait, Maria, wait! No! No! Wait, please, stop! Wait, ow, please! Wait! Maria! Wait! We got 'em, Shane.
This party's gonna put us right back on top.
All our plans are coming together.
Destroy Ivan, kill the playoffs, and take the fucking majors by storm.
Then your ghost can take my fastballs and make 'em do loop-de-loops, like Angels in the Outfield.
I miss you, buddy.
Wish you were here to see all of our dreams coming true.
Hey! Back the fuck u Back up, dawg.
Well hello there, Kenny.
What the fuck are you doing with my son? Nothing.
I'm just spending a little quality time with the little guy.
No.
You do not touch my son.
Come here, Toby.
Toby, come here.
Take that bottle.
Nope.
He's my son, you're not touching him.
Where the fuck is Maria? She's gone.
She ran outta here, and Stevie chased off after her.
Apparently they had some kind of fight.
Fight? Jesus Christ! What the fuck am I supposed to do now? They're supposed to watch the kid, man! This is my party tonight! It's supposed to be my special night! If I'm not the man tonight, and I gotta take a kid to the party, everyone's gonna think I'm fucking dumb! Everyone was supposed to like me after tonight! God, it's all ruined! My life is over! It's over! Come on, son.
You don't have to be so upset.
Go away from me.
Get your head out of the couch.
No.
Kenny, I can look after the kid.
Fuck that.
I'd rather throw him down a goddamn well.
What the fuck? I What do you think? This is my He's my grandson! Come on.
You deserve a fun night.
You've been working so hard lately.
This party's just very important to me.
Maybe this is a way I can help you and earn back some of your trust at the same time.
This is against my better judgment, but fine.
All right, fine.
You can watch the kid, but don't leave.
Stay here.
Don't trade him for cigarettes, or damage him psychologically, or any other fucked-up stuff you can do when left alone with a child.
Got it.
Now, you go get fucked up and feel good about yourself, son.
I know, Shane.
I know.
Americans! Are you ready to get fucked up with the team leader? Casper, what the hell are you doing in the VIP? No.
Sorry.
The hell, where's everybody at? Hiding underneath the tables? Y'all can come out now, I'm here! Come out.
That's odd.
Suppose everyone's just decided to come fashionably late, huh? I don't know.
Maybe they're at work.
It's the 4th of July, dude.
They're not at fucking work, all right? Are you gonna be okay? Yes, I'm gonna be okay.
It's the party of the century.
I just need to have a drink and wait for everyone to arrive.
It's a party! Play some fucking music.
Thank you! Russia.
Put your hands up in the air.
What're you doing? What the fuck are you doing? Beating you.
Don't do that, don't take that.
Don't, don't Hey, fuck you! Happy 4th of July! Woo! Let's give it up for DJ Blu-Ray! Yeah! Yeah! Nobody spins that gay-ass rave music as good as him! You really are the best, man.
Fuckin' hats off.
Hats off to you.
Andrea? Hey, Kenny.
What the fuck are you doing here? You missed my grand entrance.
I tried, but my friends wanted to come here instead.
Jesus Christ! How could you do me like this? You met my son! I'm sorry, Kenny.
You know what? As soon as this party's over, you should go fuckin' on Facebook, and change your relationship status to fuckin' "dumped," because that shit just happened right now.
I'll be by your dorm room later to pick up my shit.
For those of you who don't know, which I'm assuming is most of you, for those of you who do know about this, go fuck yourself, teammates, I am hosting a competing party, and I can promise you that you will have all the awesome drugs you have here, plus more, plus fuckin' fireworks.
So who's with me, huh? Who wants to get up out this piece, and come party and celebrate our nation's birthday with Kenny fucking Powers? Myrtle Beach, let me hear you make some noise! Comin' through.
Look out.
Okay.
Hey, hey, hey.
Hey.
Easy.
Easy, all right? I can take a hint.
These people have been acting like assholes, I don't wanna fuckin' party here, either.
Fuckin' get offa me, thank you.
Fuck this party.
Whatever.
Fuck Kenny Powers! Hey, Dad.
Hey.
You look like a shit sausage, boy.
Celebrations Don't talk about Celebrations, Casper.
I don't wanna fucking communicate or talk about anything right now.
Where's Toby? He's sleepin'.
I am good at listen', though.
Sometimes it helps to talk.
It would be a disgusting talk.
I feel like my life has become Requiem for a Dream, and I have front-row-seat tickets to the ass-to-ass scene.
And Toby's the dildo.
And I'm both assholes.
Let me ask you a question, son.
How were things going before you-know-who came along? Fuckin' awesome, I guess.
You feel like you're over-extended? Like it's impossible to be a dad and worry about your career all at the same time? Yes.
I mean it's like a fuckin' juggling act.
You feel like there's no way that you can go out and do all the great things that you're destined to do, 'cause your family's holding you back.
Maybe, you oughta think about leaving him with someone that would love him like their own, so you can go out and be you.
You're talking about, like, leave Toby at a fire station or something? No.
I'm not a monster.
He's not a fucking monster, Kenny.
I'm talking about leaving him with someone that would love him like a son.
Someone, like your mother.
Think about the majors, son.
Hey, Stevie.
Did you get cancer? Happy fuckin' 4th of July.
Ten Pin Alley.
Mmm-hmm.
Hold on.
Powers.
Phone call.
Who is it? Says it's your son.
Says his name's Kenny Powers? Oh! Damn it! Motherfucker! Son of a bitch! Cocksucker! Jesus H.
Christ.
Fuck me.
Sandy, I took the Lord's name in vain.
I'm sorry, honey.
How are you today?