Eastbound & Down s03e07 Episode Script

Tight dick, player.
This Friday, we're going to face off against our rivals, The Rockingham Ruckus.
The only thing I hate more than the Ruckus is their backward-ass hillbilly fans.
These motherfuckers will fill up that stadium like cockroaches.
So remember that.
Mermen! Excuse me, watch out.
Watch your fucking foot.
Mermen, I come to you today, unashamed! I'm unashamed, Mermens.
Powers, what the fuck are you doing? This is my son who I'm now proud of.
Check him out, guys.
My child.
I have a fucking kid, yo.
Look into his eyes, you faggots.
Look at him.
I've returned from my sabbatical a changed man.
Sabbatical? Hiatus.
Break.
Whatever you want to call it.
Nobody gave you permission to take a hiatus.
Because I'm mature enough now to give my own self a hiatus.
Now that I'm a changed man and humble, and ready to be part of a team I'm willing to do whatever it takes to get back into the good graces of the Mermen.
I'll tell you what you can do.
You can start showing up on time.
That's a good place to start.
Your ass won't play, but you can still show up and support the team.
That's what you can do.
If I may counter, said deal.
I don't really see how I will redeem myself as team leader in front of everyone If I'm gonna be sitting on the bench.
Because if you don't, I'll cut you off this team quicker than you can say, "What for?" What for? Sit your mother-fucking ass down.
Unashamed, guys, still unashamed.
Tend to him.
Now, as I was saying Ivan, you're the man we're going to in the clutch.
Don't let us down.
I won't let you down, Coach.
Right? If I'm given an opportunity, I won't let us down, either.
Well, well, well.
What the fuck are you doing in Myrtle? Oh, I've been coming here for Black Biker Week for 10 years now.
And since we were in the area, we thought we'd stop by and say hello to My second, favorite ballplayer.
Well, that wasn't really necessary.
Being that you and I are even.
That's not exactly true, Mr.
Powers.
Your swashbuckling shenanigans cost me my new dealership.
The Kia representatives also did not appreciate the fact that we had a Japanese Geisha.
Cause you know why? Cause they're Korean.
It turns out that fucking Orientals are highly-sensitive.
I never I would've bet a million dollars, that they were not a sensitive race of people.
I don't give a fuck about the sensitivity of Orientals.
I'm a father now.
I take it this here is your boy, huh? Yes, this is him.
Scott, pull your penis out and put it inside this infant.
I will fucking bite it off, Scott.
Keep it in them pants.
That's, uh, called a joke.
Scott knew I was kidding as soon as I said it.
All right, well, if you two fucking hobnobs are done laughing and giggling, I got to feed this motherfucker that is my son.
I'm gonna have to push pause on the feeding, 'cause somebody else wants to say hello, as well.
Kenny Powers.
Reg Mackworthy.
You look sad, boy.
Someone take yo lunch money? No.
But it does look somebody took your eye.
Oh, yeah.
Me.
Fuck you, Kenny Powers! You insensitive dickhead.
Hmm.
I see you got a team to pick you up, huh? Must be nice.
My baseball days are over 'cause of you! Yeah, well maybe it's high time you look for another line of work.
Maybe you could be a telescope operator.
Fun and games, gentlemen.
Fun and games.
Is this what this is all about? This is why you wanted to come fucking visit me in Myrtle Beach Just to try to start a fight with me and Mackworthy? I don't know, maybe, yes.
There's too many eyes out here, right now.
We'll discuss this later.
I'll be here all week, with my eye on you, K-P.
Yeah.
Black Bike Week is a whole week.
Monday, Tuesday Friday, Saturday Got it.
Yeah, 168 hours.
Okay, I got it.
- 10,080 minutes.
- Got it.
Seven whole days, not five days.
Seven days.
Oh, so you guys just got into town today? I got here two days ago, but So you've been here longer? You're gonna be here longer Seven days from right now! Okay? Not talking about a work week, five days.
Talking seven-day week.
Well, congratulations.
I hope you got a fucking good weekly rate on a hotel room.
I didn't! Scott Push me outta here.
Dude, you need to make sure these doors are locked at all times.
It's Black Biker weekend.
What's up with all these photographs? Man, it's a goddamn pig sty in here.
I'm scrapbooking.
Scrapbooking.
What are you fucking 14? It's pathetic.
You need to come to the realization that Maria is gone.
Never to return.
Vamonos, adios.
I saw her today.
Oh, really? Did she say when she was coming back? We could really use the extra set of hands.
She was selling oranges by the side of the road.
I didn't approach her.
She looked too fucking hot and I just look like a fucking monster.
Selling oranges, huh? So, she's regressed back to her natural state.
Next thing you know, she's gonna be in a Home Depot parking lot looking for fucking construction jobs.
Probably.
You need to buck up.
All right? I've got a bunch of black dudes trying to kill me.
You don't see me making a goddamn collage about it.
Kenny You're an expert when it comes to women, right? No, duh! Will you help me get Maria back? So you finally learned your lesson, huh? I did.
I learned that Maria was the best thing to ever happen to me.
And I was stupid for even second-guessing that for one minute.
Or maybe the lesson, that you shouldn't have told her, when I told you not to.
Aw, Kenny, I'm lost.
Yeah, I guess that Myrtle Beach ate me alive.
This town is just too much for me.
Yeah, city turned you into a little, fucking, angry slut.
Happens to a lot of people.
I used to be the coolest kid on the block, and now look at me.
Kenny, will you help me? Stevie, your own sexual appetite has dug you into this hole.
So, unfortunately, it's gonna be up to you to dig yourself out.
All I can do is Perhaps help you find a new set of eyebrows.
You think I need new eyebrows? I think you need a lot more than eyebrows.
And then at the very end, then pull a Chuck Barry and go You know? What's happening, Ivan, Darnizzie? Jacquiessence.
You guys just trying to get a sesh in before the game? I always find it very comforting and soothing to spend a little time in the blue room before a big performance.
By big performance, do you mean, sitting on the bench and getting fat? Ivan, I was laughing just then to prove to you a point.
I've matured.
I've learned that it's all right to admit when you're wrong.
I'm sorry I ruined your DJ gig on the Fourth of July.
And burned down Club Celebrations.
I didn't mean to do that.
From this point on, you and I are exactly the same.
Just two guys trying to make it to the Bigs.
I sincerely hope you'll accept my apology.
Psyche.
Fuck your sorries, mother fucker.
I am young and strong and you are old and weak.
How is that alike to you? Ivan, I'm not old, I'm mature.
No you are fucking old, mother fucker.
You can't play in majors.
You can't even play in Myrtle Beach! No, look at you! You don't get it.
I was nice at first, but now I don't give a fuck! I am going to the majors and you're not.
Now don't stand in my fucking way again.
All right, let's grab some waves.
You know, let's go now.
Fuck him! You dug yourself into this hole.
Now dig yourself out.
Here goes nothing.
Hang tight, Toby.
I'll be right back.
Maria.
Maria, please.
You need to go.
She doesn't want to talk to you.
- No, please Don't touch me.
- Don't touch me.
Maria, I know you don't want to see me, okay? I understand.
But I have something that you need to hear.
Maria, you are the only woman that I have ever loved.
And you are the only woman that has ever loved me.
You are the only thing that matters.
I know I'm an asshole and I know I'm not good enough.
But I will spend my entire life trying to be the man that you deserve.
Please, Maria Okay That's enough.
Time to go.
Hey, mind your own fucking business! Look away! Look away! No! No! Ugh Oh, God! Don't look at me! I'm a monster! Toby? Toby! Toby! Toby! Toby! Toby! Ahh! Stevie, man.
Now's not the time, dude.
I'm tryin' to get in the proper headspace for the game tonight.
But, oh Stevie! I cannot be a shoulder for you to cry on right now, all right? I lost him.
I lost Toby.
He's gone.
Say what? I went to see Maria for like two seconds I turned my back, and now I can't find him He's not anywhere! What do you mean, he's gone? I'm sorry.
I don't know I don't know what the fuck happened.
You lost my son? I lost Toby, I'm sorry! You lost my fucking son! I lost him Oh! Goddamn it! I'm so fucking sorry! What the fuck are we gonna do? Fucking kill me! Kill me, I'm sorry.
I'll buy you shrimp for the rest of your life.
Every night, you can eat off my fucking butthole! I don't want to eat off your butthole! What makes you think that I want to eat off your butthole, instead of having my son? Because I suck! That's why, because I fucking suck.
Okay, well retrace your steps.
What did you do? Pretend like you lost your car keys.
Howwhere is he? He was in my car Then you got out of the car and then what? And then he was gone! I don't know! I'm so fucking stupid! Hello, Kenny Powers.
Hey, you missing something? Mackworthy Woah.
How you doin', man? You sound stressed.
Where's my son? Oh, you know, he's chillin'.
Hey, you know I did you a favor.
You left the windows up.
That baby don't have no sweat glands.
Don't you know about babies? It's a baby! What do you want? I got something in store for you, man.
Meet me at the Wings on Highway 17.
The one with the shark in the front? And if you tell anyone Your bay-bay goes bye-bye.
Baby goes bye-bye.
What the fuck is that supposed to mean? You're gonna kill him? Naw, I just don't wanna be waitin at Wings all night.
Well, that sounds like a veiled threat to me, Mackworthy.
Come on, man.
I might even train him to call me Daddy.
Hey, if you teach him one fucking word, I will destroy you! So fucking stupid Maria was right! I'm just a fucking scumbag.
Stevie, you weak motherfucker.
You listen to me, right now.
You have made an ass-ton of stupid choices in Myrtle Beach! This is the moment of truth.
Now is not the time to lay on the ground like a bald, fucking baby.
Now is the time to be a fucking man.
These guys messed with the wrong motherfuckers and the wrong fucking baby.
Fuck yes, they did.
I'm gonna wash the glue off of my head, rip off my fucking eyebrows And we're gonna go get your fucking son! I would really love the opportunity, to change into more street-fighting, appropriate clothes.
Fuck yeah! Fuck, yeah, we are! Well What the fuck is so funny? Who the hell is this? I'm your new nightmare.
We're not here to make you guys laugh.
I've come here for my son.
Now hand him over you fucking baby stealers! I hope you brought a lot of toilet paper Cause these razor blades are going up your black asses! Okay, hold on.
I was thinking we'd do something more like a rematch of the pitching game or something.
Let's do a game instead of this.
There's no more time for games.
The game clock has struck zero.
You're now here to seek your retribution, Kenny Powers.
In front of this nautical-themed gift shop, complete with a great, white shark edifice.
Constructed by none other than, Bob Duato.
Bob Duato.
Fuck Bob Duato! And, fuck you too.
Grim Creepaz! Stay the fuck back! Stay back! I will put you mother fuckers in the hospital! Back up! Back up! Stevie! Kenny! Stevie! Don't hurt him! Let's see how good you pitch with a broke arm! Mack, what are you doing? Don't do this, man.
I got a kid.
Your kid ain't got nothing to do with this.
This is about justice.
An arm for an eye, Kenny Powers! Will you shut that goddamn baby up? Damn it, Reg! I told you, break his arm! Don't disobey me! I am your master and you are my possession! You will carry out my will or you will feel my lash! Don't raise up on me.
You break his arm! Do it! No.
Back off, creatures! You lesser-thans! Oh, hell, no! I'm Old South! I'm Old South! I'm Old South! Hey, buddy.
Yeah.
I'm sorry for stealing your baby.
I did it because of my eye, man.
This ain't me.
I hear you, man.
I'm sorry I took you eye.
I'm pretty sure I feel sad about it, too.
I didn't know you had regular feelings.
I do.
I have tons of feelings and emotions.
Kenny, if we hurry, we can still make it to the game.
You got a game? Aw, it doesn't matter.
We'll never make it in time with all this traffic from Black Biker Week.
Besides, Coach won't even play me.
I'll probably lose my position on the team.
No, you got a second chance, Kenny.
If not for you, do it for all us old ballers Who wish we could have one more inning.
Maybe tonight doesn't have to just be my second chance.
What do you mean? Reginald Gwenivere Mackworthy, will you catch for me today? Creeps, Creeps, Creeps! You fucking with me, Kenny Powers? Or do you mean it? I only speak what I mean.
Grim Creepaz! Me and Kenny Powers got a game to get to! Let's creep! Fuck you! Go back to Russia, you piece of shit.
Fuck me! Son of a bitch! From America with love! Fuck you! Fuck you! Throw another battery! It's your money! Get the fuck out the way.
Mermen, behold me! I come to you in your darkest hour of need with my son, and a secret weapon.
This man is Reg Mackworthy.
And he's the Mermen's brand, new catcher! What the fuck? You just can't bring any One-eyed asshole onto the team in the middle of the goddamn game! Get him out of here.
In fact, get them all out of here.
Right now! Could you ask him again? He just, he seems like he's starting to get Tell him I work really hard, I'm a go-getter Can he just be our catcher for just this one game? Get the fuck off my field.
Okay, you guys should probably go.
He's getting kinda pissed.
Go! Sorry he's being an asshole.
Thanks for the ride.
I appreciate it.
Jacques! This is your big chance.
Get in there and relieve Ivan.
Fuck that.
They're throwing batteries and shit.
Skip? These fucking redneck Ruckus fans may intimidate Ivan's rookie ass, but they don't scare me.
I get fucking power from this! I could use their rage and fucking harness it! Fucking put me in, you cock-sucker! Okay! Don't take it personally, all right? Franchise star players are a lot like Highlanders.
There can be only one.
Highlandees? Goddamn it.
Just get the fuck off my mound.
Power from my son.
And power from Ivan's failure.
Yeah, strike, bitch! Come on, Kenny! You suck! Eat a dick, pal! This one's for you, Shane dog.
Yeah! All right! Fuck you, Kenny! Aw, y'all done fucked up now! Oh, shit Fuck him up! Fuck him up! Who the fuck wants some? Come on.
You're fucking out! Kenny! Yeah, Kenny! Yeah! Stevie! Take my baby.
What happened to your hair? This is who I am without you.
A goddamn fucking weirdo.
Fuck yeah.
There's no better feeling than winning.
Dealing your opponent the death blow then standing over his lifeless body, as the world around you leaps to their feet Falling all over each other to get a taste of your hero's jism.
The immature man revels in such adulations.
The mature man, however, celebrates not.
Because he knows that every victory is just a precursor to another fucked-up test.
It's death on a stick out there.
So, you're a surfer now? Pretty much so.
Where's Toby? He's inside my abode.
But if I were you, I'd remove those braids.
Toby hates all hippie bullshit.
That's a toy that I made for him.
It's a fake T-Rex with a dildo crammed up his asshole.
It's one of Toby's favorites.
When you turn it on It moves.
Dildosaurus Rex.
Kenny, I think I owe you an explanation.
Yeah, I think that's probably in order.
I needed to get away, and I tried to tell you that.
I didn't know what to do.
I went to my sister's for a while.
Raising a kid alone has been really hard.
Oh, trust me, I fucking know.
All right? But, I rose to the occasion.
And I have become the best father that has ever existed.
Arrogant, selfish, ignorant, and absurd.
That's you.
Okay.
I get it.
You hate me.
So, why don't I just go ahead and take the baby and We're gonna leave you alone.
To, to like take him? Take him? Take him, take him.
I'll take him off your hands.
Of course, that's what I want I I've been wanting that the whole entire time, so good, I'm glad.
I can finally rip down this stupid nursery.
And turn it back into my dojo, so I can get back to my fucking training.
Stevie, Code 7, Gold Dust.
Oh, there he is.
Hey, no, stay there.
There's a few things you should know.
He's changed a lot since you've been gone.
He doesn't take shits as much when he eats carrots, like you said he did.
I've been giving him Gerber and all of his b.
m.
's have been running pretty smooth.
You must've been feeding him that Bo-bo generic shit.
Gerber brand.
And also, he doesn't like cartoon shows.
He prefers military, action war films, and Teenage-oriented horror flicks.
Okay, good to know.
The only reason why I'm Returning him to you, is because I just don't want to get caught up in some stupid custody battle when I'm trying to focus on my comeback, and becoming famous again.
You don't have to explain anything.
Oh, no, I know I don't have to explain anything to you.
I just want you to know that you're not forgiven.
Okay.
It's okay.
Come here, buddy.
Okay, come here.
Hi, hi Oh! Hi! Oh my goodness, hi.
Mommy missed you so much.
Do you wanna You wanna tell Toby goodbye? What for? I mean it's not like I'm gonna miss him or anything.
What's there to miss? Dookie diapers? His chubby, little cheek face? His gross baby breath that he Breathes on your neck, as he falls asleep gently on your chest.
Fuck that noise.
I'm good.
So this is it? You got what you came for.
Goodbye.