EastSiders (2012) s01e04 Episode Script
Episode 4
- No.
- Mmmm hmmm.
It's like 4 AM.
It's 8:30.
Fuck me! I'm trying.
No, I'm supposed to be at the gallery.
I was to open today.
It's a lot of responsibility.
- If I'm not there - What? Nobody will be there.
Nobody is ever there.
You sell everything online.
It's been like a week.
Yeah, well Today might be the day.
Who knows? Doorbusters.
People die.
People get trampled.
I've seen YouTube videos.
- I'll see you at lunch.
- Lunch? Yeah, Thom Lunch.
My mom's coming into town and we're getting lunch.
But I got scheduled for work.
- You give it up.
- Nice try, but you give it up.
You call somebody right now and you give up your shift.
Fine, I'll give it up.
Yeah, you will.
Nope! Nope, sorry.
Hey, Mia.
Hey, um, I was wondering if you could take my Yeah, I know it's lunch.
It's just you're my favorite.
Alright, fine.
Twenty bucks.
Do we have any ice cream? No, sorry.
What about pizza rolls? Do we have pizza rolls? No, sorry.
I think we have some kale.
I always date hipsters.
We're all the same to you, huh? Hey, no.
This is like only my longest relationship, you know? - It is? - Mmm-hmm.
It's shocking, right? - Well - Okay, come on.
You know it's shocking.
It's my shortest, actually.
- Really? - Yeah.
- Two with Sara.
- Mmm-hmm.
High school.
Three with Chien-Ming.
Two with Dawn.
I mean, I don't really date people so, you know.
You dated another Asian girl? Oh, yeah.
Is she Chinese? I don't know.
Dawn and Sara were both Korean Ugh! I could date you for two years, maybe.
Yeah, I could do it.
Maybe even three.
I think I could do it.
That's the limit, apparently.
Maybe even more, I don't know.
I think I'd like that, Kitty.
Babe, what's the matter? Are you crying? No.
Yes.
Maybe.
I just have a lot of emotions, okay? Don't pay any attention to me.
Are you upset with me? No.
I have to go to the bathroom.
Everything okay, babe? Yeah, I'm just, uh really happy.
Where is he? He's on his way; he just texted.
He texted you? The two of you text? Well, we're not telepathic.
So, yes, we text.
Your father and I, we never had to text.
That's because texting hadn't been invented yet.
I beg your pardon.
Texting was around for a few years before the divorce, thank you very much.
You know, I've always been very tech savvy.
I tweet, I have an iPad.
Calvin, really.
How are things between the two of you since Thom published his little exposé? Okay, it wasn't an exposé.
An exposé is a form of investigative journalism.
He was certainly investigating something, wasn't he? Ahh.
- Hey.
- There he is! Hi.
Let me look at you.
That sweater is a brave choice.
Thank you.
- You need a haircut.
- I know.
- And you need a drink.
- I do.
Another, darling? Oh, I'm okay, thanks.
That's settled.
Cynthia! Three gin martinis.
Extra dirty.
Extra gin.
- Oh, no, I'm okay.
- Cynthia! Cynthia! I love gin.
Cynthia! I love California.
Just the weather, the culture, the gay rights.
Well, technically the gay rights aren't the best.
Almost gay rights.
Cal, I have an amazing idea.
Why don't we all take a trip next month up to Maine? I mean, it's beautiful in the summertime, and you and Thom can get married.
- Why Maine? - Wait.
What? Spooked you.
But seriously though, I mean, I'm not surprised that the two of you are opening up your relationship.
We're what? Please, I read your little exposé in France magazine.
Mom I think it's perfectly natural that a man, certainly two men, would want to do something a little different before settling down.
Your father and I Don't talk about having sex.
I don't want to hear about Dad having sex.
Well, I have sex too.
I'm a woman, and I have sex.
Yes, we are very well aware of that.
Damn good sex! Okay, for the record, I just want you to know that that that story was fiction.
We're not opening up our relationship, okay? Well, you're not cheating on each other, right? Cause I cheated on your father, and it was the worst thing Mom, stop saying things, please.
Hey, just because you're gay, doesn't mean every woman in America is gonna stop having sex, okay? Wait.
You're not saying that you're breaking up, right? Oh, no, Val.
Val, I promise, we are not breaking up.
You know, because that would actually crush me.
It would just destroy me.
- Mom, just stop.
- I love you, Thom.
Stop, please.
Stop, Mom, please.
I can't believe I have to drive back to Phoenix tonight.
You're driving back to Phoenix tomorrow.
I am? Well, that's good news.
Cynthia! No.
No.
No.
Sorry, sorry.
Sorry.
Yes! He's kidding.
Gallery.
You didn't answer your phone, asshole.
I'm working, asshole.
So am I.
I just got your mom upstairs.
She's probably raiding the mini bar.
My boss is staring at me.
I bet he is.
I bet he's, like, undressing you with his eyes.
Come on.
I bet his eyes are, like, kissing their way down your neck.
Your chest.
Your six pack.
I don't have a six pack.
All the way down to your cock.
Okay, after this morning I sincerely doubt I'll ever be in the mood for that ever again, thank you very much.
Our hours are 9 AM to 5 PM, Monday through Friday.
Five PM.
Five PM and you come straight home, you nasty, naughty little piece of shit.
Thank you vey much for your call, sir.
We look forward to your visit.
Cal? What are you doing here? Um, looking at the art.
Why? This is an art gallery.
Okay, this isn't a museum.
This is a place of business.
This my place of employment, actually.
Mmm-hmm.
Okay.
Well, I don't even know your last name.
So excuse me if I didn't know that you worked here.
I just like art.
Well, thank you for supporting the arts.
You should probably be leaving.
Well, what if I want to buy a painting? Okay, well, too bad.
This is a photograph.
- Mmmm.
- So Well, this one's interesting.
So buy it.
It's 800.
Well, it's kind of awful.
But I like it.
Thanks.
Thank you very much.
Is that Thom? Did Did you Um Did you take all of these? Oh, no.
Just this one.
Oh.
It's kind of the pity spot reserved for the front desk guy.
You know how to pick 'em Apparently.
Well, I do like it.
I do.
Well.
You should probably be leaving I should probably be leaving.
Yeah, probably.
You know, I I haven't heard anything, um, from Thom, um, in a Swell.
I thought you'd like to know.
Between his phone, email records and work schedule, I think I've got my bases pretty covered You know, short of getting him micro-chipped at the vet.
I'm not crazy.
I'm not.
I just don't see why we can't be friends.
Really? I'm sorry, are you You're fucking crazy.
No.
Yeah.
You're fucking crazy.
Sorry.
You really hate me? Yeah.
No.
No.
You should probably be leaving.
Ex-boyfriend? Sorry? Rough breakup? Uh, kinda.
Recent? - Sort of recent.
- Is he crazy? Uh, he might be crazy.
Harassing you at work.
Come on He's desperate.
And he should be; you're a fucking catch.
Thanks, boss.
I mean it Kiddo.
Go back to, um I don't know, whatever it is you do around here.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Thanks for taking Mom back to the hotel.
Oh, no problem.
Pleasure.
She made me do a shot from the mini bar.
And then she made me promise to cut my hair.
That's Mom.
How was work? Eh, non-eventful.
Take your clothes off already.
- Mmmm hmmm.
It's like 4 AM.
It's 8:30.
Fuck me! I'm trying.
No, I'm supposed to be at the gallery.
I was to open today.
It's a lot of responsibility.
- If I'm not there - What? Nobody will be there.
Nobody is ever there.
You sell everything online.
It's been like a week.
Yeah, well Today might be the day.
Who knows? Doorbusters.
People die.
People get trampled.
I've seen YouTube videos.
- I'll see you at lunch.
- Lunch? Yeah, Thom Lunch.
My mom's coming into town and we're getting lunch.
But I got scheduled for work.
- You give it up.
- Nice try, but you give it up.
You call somebody right now and you give up your shift.
Fine, I'll give it up.
Yeah, you will.
Nope! Nope, sorry.
Hey, Mia.
Hey, um, I was wondering if you could take my Yeah, I know it's lunch.
It's just you're my favorite.
Alright, fine.
Twenty bucks.
Do we have any ice cream? No, sorry.
What about pizza rolls? Do we have pizza rolls? No, sorry.
I think we have some kale.
I always date hipsters.
We're all the same to you, huh? Hey, no.
This is like only my longest relationship, you know? - It is? - Mmm-hmm.
It's shocking, right? - Well - Okay, come on.
You know it's shocking.
It's my shortest, actually.
- Really? - Yeah.
- Two with Sara.
- Mmm-hmm.
High school.
Three with Chien-Ming.
Two with Dawn.
I mean, I don't really date people so, you know.
You dated another Asian girl? Oh, yeah.
Is she Chinese? I don't know.
Dawn and Sara were both Korean Ugh! I could date you for two years, maybe.
Yeah, I could do it.
Maybe even three.
I think I could do it.
That's the limit, apparently.
Maybe even more, I don't know.
I think I'd like that, Kitty.
Babe, what's the matter? Are you crying? No.
Yes.
Maybe.
I just have a lot of emotions, okay? Don't pay any attention to me.
Are you upset with me? No.
I have to go to the bathroom.
Everything okay, babe? Yeah, I'm just, uh really happy.
Where is he? He's on his way; he just texted.
He texted you? The two of you text? Well, we're not telepathic.
So, yes, we text.
Your father and I, we never had to text.
That's because texting hadn't been invented yet.
I beg your pardon.
Texting was around for a few years before the divorce, thank you very much.
You know, I've always been very tech savvy.
I tweet, I have an iPad.
Calvin, really.
How are things between the two of you since Thom published his little exposé? Okay, it wasn't an exposé.
An exposé is a form of investigative journalism.
He was certainly investigating something, wasn't he? Ahh.
- Hey.
- There he is! Hi.
Let me look at you.
That sweater is a brave choice.
Thank you.
- You need a haircut.
- I know.
- And you need a drink.
- I do.
Another, darling? Oh, I'm okay, thanks.
That's settled.
Cynthia! Three gin martinis.
Extra dirty.
Extra gin.
- Oh, no, I'm okay.
- Cynthia! Cynthia! I love gin.
Cynthia! I love California.
Just the weather, the culture, the gay rights.
Well, technically the gay rights aren't the best.
Almost gay rights.
Cal, I have an amazing idea.
Why don't we all take a trip next month up to Maine? I mean, it's beautiful in the summertime, and you and Thom can get married.
- Why Maine? - Wait.
What? Spooked you.
But seriously though, I mean, I'm not surprised that the two of you are opening up your relationship.
We're what? Please, I read your little exposé in France magazine.
Mom I think it's perfectly natural that a man, certainly two men, would want to do something a little different before settling down.
Your father and I Don't talk about having sex.
I don't want to hear about Dad having sex.
Well, I have sex too.
I'm a woman, and I have sex.
Yes, we are very well aware of that.
Damn good sex! Okay, for the record, I just want you to know that that that story was fiction.
We're not opening up our relationship, okay? Well, you're not cheating on each other, right? Cause I cheated on your father, and it was the worst thing Mom, stop saying things, please.
Hey, just because you're gay, doesn't mean every woman in America is gonna stop having sex, okay? Wait.
You're not saying that you're breaking up, right? Oh, no, Val.
Val, I promise, we are not breaking up.
You know, because that would actually crush me.
It would just destroy me.
- Mom, just stop.
- I love you, Thom.
Stop, please.
Stop, Mom, please.
I can't believe I have to drive back to Phoenix tonight.
You're driving back to Phoenix tomorrow.
I am? Well, that's good news.
Cynthia! No.
No.
No.
Sorry, sorry.
Sorry.
Yes! He's kidding.
Gallery.
You didn't answer your phone, asshole.
I'm working, asshole.
So am I.
I just got your mom upstairs.
She's probably raiding the mini bar.
My boss is staring at me.
I bet he is.
I bet he's, like, undressing you with his eyes.
Come on.
I bet his eyes are, like, kissing their way down your neck.
Your chest.
Your six pack.
I don't have a six pack.
All the way down to your cock.
Okay, after this morning I sincerely doubt I'll ever be in the mood for that ever again, thank you very much.
Our hours are 9 AM to 5 PM, Monday through Friday.
Five PM.
Five PM and you come straight home, you nasty, naughty little piece of shit.
Thank you vey much for your call, sir.
We look forward to your visit.
Cal? What are you doing here? Um, looking at the art.
Why? This is an art gallery.
Okay, this isn't a museum.
This is a place of business.
This my place of employment, actually.
Mmm-hmm.
Okay.
Well, I don't even know your last name.
So excuse me if I didn't know that you worked here.
I just like art.
Well, thank you for supporting the arts.
You should probably be leaving.
Well, what if I want to buy a painting? Okay, well, too bad.
This is a photograph.
- Mmmm.
- So Well, this one's interesting.
So buy it.
It's 800.
Well, it's kind of awful.
But I like it.
Thanks.
Thank you very much.
Is that Thom? Did Did you Um Did you take all of these? Oh, no.
Just this one.
Oh.
It's kind of the pity spot reserved for the front desk guy.
You know how to pick 'em Apparently.
Well, I do like it.
I do.
Well.
You should probably be leaving I should probably be leaving.
Yeah, probably.
You know, I I haven't heard anything, um, from Thom, um, in a Swell.
I thought you'd like to know.
Between his phone, email records and work schedule, I think I've got my bases pretty covered You know, short of getting him micro-chipped at the vet.
I'm not crazy.
I'm not.
I just don't see why we can't be friends.
Really? I'm sorry, are you You're fucking crazy.
No.
Yeah.
You're fucking crazy.
Sorry.
You really hate me? Yeah.
No.
No.
You should probably be leaving.
Ex-boyfriend? Sorry? Rough breakup? Uh, kinda.
Recent? - Sort of recent.
- Is he crazy? Uh, he might be crazy.
Harassing you at work.
Come on He's desperate.
And he should be; you're a fucking catch.
Thanks, boss.
I mean it Kiddo.
Go back to, um I don't know, whatever it is you do around here.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Thanks for taking Mom back to the hotel.
Oh, no problem.
Pleasure.
She made me do a shot from the mini bar.
And then she made me promise to cut my hair.
That's Mom.
How was work? Eh, non-eventful.
Take your clothes off already.