Eastwick s01e01 Episode Script

Pilot

(woman) there is a place at the edge of new england-- an everyday sort of town.
but if you look beneath the humdrum surface, what you'll find here is something quite surprising.
because once upon a time, the women who lived in our town were said to have certain special gifts.
that is, before they were burned alive by those nice pilgrims.
of course, nowadays we know better than to believe in witchcraft.
we call it silly superstition and lies.
but just for a moment, let's wonder "what if" what if the legends are actually true? what if the gifted ones are still here among us? only they don't even know what they are.
they might spend their whole lives sensing they are somehow different.
but they have no idea just how different they are.
Chicken hands.
You gonna stare at my boobs all day, or you gonna buy something? I think the idea is to sell stuff, Not alienate everyone who walks by.
Yeah, well, maybe i don't wanna sell my art To greasy tourist pervs.
Who else is gonna buy this, mom? someone will.
i'm not worried.
I had a dream i was gonna come into some money.
For the last time, you are not psychic.
all right? and if you are, you are the lamest psychic on earth.
"hey, mia, guess what.
i had a dream that i bought milk, and it came through.
" ooh.
hey, that really happened.
(gasps) Why are you hiding from homer perley? i just owe him a teeny bit of rent money on the store, And he's been on my ass about it all week.
(metal clinks) (gasps) i was right! Wait, are--are we gonna have to become hobos? Will you let me worry about that? be a kid.
Act crazy.
sneak out of the house! chase boys! Rebel! mom, it's not rebelling if you tell me to do it.
Yeah, but it's still fun.
Mmm! you look good enough to eat.
Ugh.
mmm! (woman) i thought we had agreed on discretion.
I got news, babe.
're not doing anytng wrong.
And no one's looking, no one cares And no one's talking about us.
i promise.
Roxie torcoletti.
She sure is a cradle-robbing slut.
raymond, be nice.
she's a widow.
'cause she killed the poor bastard.
Oh, that's just a (kisses) rumor.
Eh.
it's probably true, though.
Either way, she's still a slut.
(girl) slut, slut, slut thank you for that.
Goose! whoa, whoa, whoa! goose you! Daddy, you're supposed to chase me! Daddy will in a second, honey, Soon as he finishes his beer.
Ah, jeez, kat.
again with the stupid tomatoes? No, i don't know.
they just-- they won't stop growing.
Uh, luca, come here.
What's in your mouth? (sighs) Go on.
go on.
sometimes those with the most powerful abilities are hiding in the most unlikely places.
Do these earrings make me look fat? Do you think i should just pitch that corruption story to clyde? yes, for the last time.
but he's gonna say no.
How do you know? you would never ask.
you never speak up.
Well, i don't need to ask.
He doesn't believe that i can do serious stories.
He only thinks i'm good for writing fluff.
Well, that and accidentally brushing up against my boobs In the coffee room.
(laughs) i know.
he does that to me, too, And then he tries to play it off, like, "oh, sorry.
It's a tight squeeze in here.
" "it's a tight squeeze in here.
" I know.
he doesn't respect me.
he's never gonna promote me.
Maybe i should just quit.
yeah, but if you quit, then you won't be able To torture yourself every day pining over will.
i don't pine.
joanna You named your vibrator after him.
The only reason my vibrator is named will Is because i thought that it looked like a-- Will! hi! Hi.
We were just We were just talking about vibrators.
Oh.
yeah, i heard.
Mine's named will for will ferrell the actor.
I think he's-- he's sexy, i think.
yeah, who doesn't? yeah, he's really got something.
It's not like i'm some weirdo sex fiend or anything.
I mean, the only reason i even have a vibrator is because I went to a bachelorette party and it was in the gift bag.
And--and--and i have to admit, i was curious.
(chuckles) okay, stop talking now.
Anyway, i-i have to be over there now for, um Quotes.
Yeah.
(sighs) and stuff.
Be honest.
how bad? Well, maybe next time Don't use the word "vibrator" quite so much.
(sighs) oh, my god! Why can't i be a completely different person? I just want to be a completely different person.
(metal clinks) ow! Wanna come over tonight? Cry into a bottle of wine, watch a sappy old movie? What? Oh.
Yeah.
(woman) they want to believe they're like everyone else.
But as much as they try to deny true magic, It's there.
Always there.
In fact, some of you might have the gift And not even know it.
Your power might be sleeping inside you, Ready to wake up when the time is right, When you least expect it.
(children) ooh! There's roxie torcoletti, the merry widow.
You know, i can't believe they let her sell Her so-called art here around children.
Hey, i'mna make a wish.
You wanna make a wish? no.
i think it's kind of a waste of time and m-- Okay.
later.
oh.
See you tonight.
Ice cream! ice cream! ice cream! Okay! okay! just let mommy make one quick wish.
Slut! No, no, no.
No, that's, um, that's a-a fountain.
Take your sister to the face painting booth, okay? all it takes is the right place and time.
when those with the gift are brought together in just the righway, their power can finally awaken, and they will be drawn to one another like magnets.
and at last, they will know what they really are.
(coins clinking) And it will change their lives forever.
When magic wakens, it ripples through everything.
There are forces that lie in wait for such a moment-- Forces of darkness, chaos, temptation.
They will ride into town on the back of the wind.
(wind gusts) oh! (gasps) Oh! Aah! (children scream) (screaming) Captioned by closed captioning services, inc.
Oh, thanks.
You don't have to stay.
Oh, i-i know.
I'm ju, you know, getting some information for the paper.
Stinging red ants attack The head of the eastwick historical society it's news.
Plus, you look like you could use the company.
I'm just worried about bun.
She's kind of like the fun, kooky aunt i never had.
I'm sure she's gonna be okay.
I'm joanna, by the way.
I know.
it's a small town.
oh.
right.
i guess i meant We've just never had an actual conversation.
that's not true.
uh, one time, You came into my shop with your friend Penny, i think her name is? and i said, "can i help you?" And you said, "no, we're just brsing.
" And then penny whispered someing About my art being hideous and pornographic, And then you leftwi.
I-i guess i just meant we'd never been formally introduced.
How is she? she's in a coma, but she's stabilized.
She had a minor stroke brought on by shock.
So we're just gonna have to wait and see what happens.
But you should go home.
I'll make sure someone calls you if there's any news.
What a weird day.
Would you ladies like to get drunk? (chuckles) (mouth full) mmm.
This hummus is the best hummus i have ever had.
I-i can't even Mmm! there are no words.
After i dropped out of dance school, But before i dropped out of art school, I dropped out of culinary school.
Mmm.
mmm.
wow! I also dropped out of bartending school.
You know, this is really fun.
Why have we never done this before? I mean, we've lived in the same town for like, ever.
I never really liked either of you.
(laughs) Me either.
Me either.
(laughs) Oh, but you know what? You're not nearly as uptight as i thought you were.
I'm not uptight at all, actually.
And you are not nearly as much of a flake.
i kind of am.
Well, what'd you guys think about me? Doormat.
married to an ass.
Oh.
you know, raymond is not that bad.
I mean, sure, we have our problems, But we have history, too.
He got me pregnant when i was 18, and he stuck around, Whereas a lot of guys wouldn't have.
And he's--he's a really good kisser.
and, um, well, Before he got laid off from the candle factory, He was climbing up that ladder.
he was in charge of wicks.
Mm-hmm.
(coughs) oh, wait, and (laughs) Sometimes he'll just make a big batch of chili For no reason.
just (clears throat) So let me ask you guys something.
i'm just curious.
What did you wish for at the fountain today? oh, i don't wanna say.
But you're not uptight at all.
it's private.
What did you wish for at the fountain today? oh, well, okay, i'll tell.
oh, i do i don't care.
I wished for something to change, Somethin' big.
I don't even know what exactly.
It's just that i spend all my time Taking care of everybody else-- five kids, a full-time job Okay, fine, i'll admit it-- A husband who's got the maturity level of a ferret.
But sometimes i just wish that someone would take care of me for a change.
I know what you mean.
don't get me wrong.
Chad is great and everything.
He's gorgeous and he's young and he's sweet.
but Sometimes i wish i could meet someone who got me, you know? someone dark and dangerous and exciting who moves here in a cloud of scandal, and everywhere he goes, he stirs up sex and trouble.
and he's got a really huge (gasps) Appreciation for art.
A mysterious and fabulously wealthy eccentric Who buys up all my statues for $50,000, And then we have amazing animal sex On egyptian cotton sheets.
Is that too much to ask? (laughs) no, that sounds pretty reasonable.
(laughs) I'm afraid to speak up for myself at work.
And i'm hopelessly in love with the photographer at the paper-- You know, will.
But every time i get near him, I say something horribly embarrassing and inappropriate.
Like, last week, he asked me how i was, And i told him i had a yeast infection.
sometimes i feel like i'm-- i'm never gonna get what i want, like i'm forever doomed to stand next to what i want but never actually have it.
So that's what i wished for.
I wished i could have it.
Here's to all our wishes Coming true.
(clink) (wind gusts) aah! (gasps) (sighs) Oh, god.
Hey, joanna.
I just overheard clyde saying He's looking to fill josh's job in the next couple of weeks.
You should think about applying.
that would be a huge promotion.
Yeah, actually, i did have a-- an idea for a political feature About corruption on the town council.
But i thought about pitching it-- well, you should.
you're such a good writer.
Really? you think? You, um, you--you have something on yr cheek.
Oh, that's just puke.
I puked this morning in the car on the way to work.
i got really drunk last night.
Oh.
Yo, will.
You got time to go over those layouts, man? Uh, sure thing.
I'll see you later, joanna.
Penny! i did it again.
He will never, ever love me.
and i don't deserve him anyway.
He is a volunteer fireman.
He has an environmental blog.
On the weekends, he goes to the old folks home, And he plays bingo with them.
He's, like, a saint, and i'm just the freak at work Who talks about sex toys and puke and discharge.
Where were you last night? Oh, my-- I was supposed to come over and watch a movie.
I'm so sorry, pen.
You know, i called you, like, seven times.
I was at roxie's.
You know, roxie torcoletti? with kat gardener.
But we don't even like them.
it was just a spontaneous thing.
You'd love them, actually, penny.
They're really cool people.
And i'm gonna have dinner with them tomorrow night.
it's pasta.
You should come.
but i thought weeren't eating carbs this month.
Exse me.
tight squeeze here.
(groans) Um clyde? so i would like to maybe pitch a story.
Yeah.
no, you've got your hands full with the horoscopes And the "ten things you can do to avoid lyme disease" piece.
You've only given me six things.
Anyway, the big news is some rich guy from new york Just bought the lenox mansion.
What do you mean? that's impossible.
The people of eastwick own that land.
We voted last year in a referendum To preserve it as a snowy egret habitat And future site of the eastwick bird museum.
anyway, town council approved the sale.
Well, that's actually perfect.
That's what i wanted to write about-- Corruption in local government.
Clyde, this is a huge story.
well, it's never getting written.
Not only did this guy just buy the lenox mansion, He also bought the newspaper.
he's our new boss.
Tight squeeze here.
Aah! (pants) I think i had a dream about this.
Roxanne torcoletti.
i'm darryl van horne.
Very glad to meet you.
I take it you got my note.
You have some sort of business proposal for me, Mr.
van horne? Yes.
i'm having a statue made for the foyer, And i'd like to hire you to sculpt me.
You're having a statue made of yourself? Mmm.
kent, england.
They're the world's best.
i had them flown in overnight.
They're very fresh.
You know, i went to your web site, And i like your work.
Although it's not really art, is it? It's more like folk art or crafts.
It's cute, but stunted.
(fabric rustles) Still, you have real potential.
Gee, thanks.
so here's what i was thinking, That we should have a light lunch, And then we should spend some time in my bed So you get to know my body.
And then we'll, of course, have to discuss your fees.
So name your price.
i don't have a price.
Everyone has a price, roxanne.
$50,000.
(chuckles) ouch.
you want me to build a monument to your ego? That's the gng rate.
you know, it's strange.
I'm not ordinarily attracted to women like you, But i've got to say, you are very sexy.
Women like me? what the hell's that supposed to mean? Oh, you know, bohemian, earthy older.
well, how old are you? That's irrevant.
we're talking about you.
I'll pay it, by the way.
You're offering me $50,000 to have sex with you? (chuckles) no.
no, i'm offering The sex would be free.
unless, of course, you felt compelled to pay me.
Wow.
Mr.
van horne, I have to say, i-i may be poor and desperate, And you may be rich and moderately attractive, And these may be The best strawberries i have ever had in my entire life, But i don't care because i find you pretentious and sad.
And i'm guessing you're overcompensating Because you're probably under-endowed.
And let me also just say that it will be a very, very cold day in hell Before you ever get me into your bed, Because i may need the money but i don't need it like that, And i don't need it from you.
So if you'll excuse me, i think i'll be going.
You're the one who wanted me to come, roxanne.
Now here you are, getting exactly what you wanted, And you turn it down.
what for? fear? pride? They're useless emotions.
Get out of your own way, roxanne.
You want someone who gets you, someone dark and mysterious Who comes to town in a cloud of scandal And stirs up sex and trouble.
Well, here i am, Just like you wanted me to be.
How did you don't question it, roxie.
Just go with it.
That's what you do when a prayer's answered.
Just take it and be happy.
Who the hell are you? Me? I'm just a humble patron of the arts.
But i am a demon between the sheets.
And they are egyptian cotton, by the way.
I'll be upstairs in the tub If you care to join me.
Oh, come on, roxie.
tell us the truth.
He wasn't even a little bit sexy? Oh, he was sexy as hell but completely annoying.
ow! (gasps) (pants) (sighs) Chad, wake up.
we fell asleep.
i got people coming for dinner.
(grunts) How come we never have dinner? Why would we have dinner? (chuckles) you don't wanna talk to me.
I'm just a piece of man candy to you.
I just don't think we like the same food.
(sighs) I wanna be your boyfriend, roxie.
Why can't i be your boyfriend? How about because you're young enough to be my nephew? From a much older sibling.
i'm 26 years old.
And if you gave me a chance, i might surprise you.
Yeah, well, i don't like surprises.
Get dressed.
I can't believe he bought the newspaper.
I don't know what that means for my job, Let alone the promotion i'll never get anyway.
Well, he also bought the candle factory and the eastwick inn.
Who is he? i don't know, but i don't trust him.
There's something wrong with him.
I know this is a crazy question, But why don't you just take that job? $50,000 for one little sculpture.
I have something more precious than money.
it's called dignity.
(plaster cracks) Crap.
I know.
i need the money.
I really, really need the money, But i don't think he'd be paying me just to sculpt him.
Not to mention the fact That there's something wrong with him.
I don't care how much money he's offering me Or how good-looking he is or how big his you know is.
How big? Like, on a scale of cars.
Golf cart? hatchback? Full-size s.
u.
v.
(sighs) and he's not even a little bit sexy? Oh, he was sexy as hell but completely annoying.
Whoa.
I had a dream this afternoon That we were having this exact same conversation.
Only in my dream, right after i said that, i cut my finger.
Wow.
that's freaky.
i know, right? Oh, it's probably just a coincidence.
You knew that we were coming over, You knew that we'd probably talk about darryl, You knew you'd be slicing tomatoes, So you had a dream about it.
don't ruin our fun.
roxie's psychic.
(door closes in distance) mia, is that you? Yeah, mom.
i'll be right there.
(whispers) come on.
You don't have to sneak me out.
shh.
We're not even doing anything.
We do stuff.
not the big stuff.
Look, i just wanna be o with you, mia.
Soon, okay? I promise.
(joanna) i can't get over these tomatoes, kat.
(kat) i know.
they never stop growing.
Is that a hickey on your neck? You made out with someone! who is he? i want the scoop.
Okay, it's not a hickey, all right? you're gross.
What base did you get to? second? second and a half? Okay, it's not a hickey, god, you are such a freak!.
Baby's first hickey.
Ow! damn it! Whoa.
Joanna.
didn't see you there.
Yeah.
people usually don't.
(chuckles) (chuckles) anyway, uh Wow, that is a-- that is a really cool-- Whoa! aah! Are you okay? (cell phone ringing) y-yes.
Burned my boob.
Uh my mom.
um, sorry.
i gotta take it.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
yeah.
Um, i'll see you later.
okay! (wiley, mom Idiot! idiot! idiot! idiot! (sighs) nonsense.
I thought it was cute.
Joanna frankel, i presume.
Darryl van horne, owner, "eastwick gazette.
" And i a very, very big fan of your work.
That piece you wrote on the rhubarb festival? ooh.
You actually read that? some of it.
it was boring as hell.
But still, somehow, underneath The timid vanilla surface of your sentences, I could sense there lies someone truly passionate.
Let's unleash her.
what do you say? Why don't you write an article about, oh pfft Me? about you? Mm-hmm.
well, d the town council.
Let's delve into the dirt of eastwick, muck up the goo.
That whole lenox mansion business? it's a travesty.
There is systemic corruption.
Bribes, extortion, Political favors bought and sold.
And, i mean, somebody Somebody has to ask, "where is this money coming from?" Well, in--in this case, isn't it coming from you? Good instincts.
Why don't we schedule an interview? Eastwick cafe.
say 7:00-ish? Great.
i'll see you there.
Okay, you guys, be good.
mrs.
neff is on her way.
Now go inside.
dinner's on the table.
come on! (children giggle) and, luca, no biting.
(sighs) (rock music playing) Raymond.
I was thinkin' that, uh, Maybe this week you could start looking for a new job.
Guy just bought the candle factory.
They're gonna reinstate me.
i just don't know if we can count on that.
You know, mrs.
neff is expensive.
Amy's gonna need braces soon.
I'm starting to think that you're married to that hammock.
You're some kind of saint, Running around with those new friends of yours every night? i'm going to work.
You know, the thing that puts beer in our refrigerator? What has gotten into you, woman? I can't just go get any job, all right? I was in charge of wicks.
I'm not asking you for much.
raymond, i never do.
I just want you to pitch in a little bit.
What is it gonna take? Does the frickin' earth need to move In order for you to get out of that damn hammock?! How did you do that? I-i-i didn't do anything.
(panting) I have--i have to go to work.
i'm late.
(panting) (gasps) this is all your fault! You did this, the three of you! I can see the cone of power.
it surrounds you.
I think you're just a little groggy on account of the coma.
(gasps) ow! don't you understand?! He's been here before! he is evil, child! Who? d-- D--d-- D-- (gasps) (alarm sounds) grab the paddles! get the crash cart! (woman over p.
a.
) code blue.
(alarm continues) code blue.
Pumpkin surprise.
It's on the house.
everyone here is so friendly.
Well, this town is going through some tough times, And they think you're going to save us.
Can i ask you something? well, i hope so, or it's gonna be a hell of a short interview.
Why eastwick? why now? What exactly do you have planned for us? (inhales deeply) Ahem.
Do you ever take that bun out of your hair, Or is it permanent like a tattoo? I take it out.
Oh, don't get me wrong.
i like the bun.
It's kind of a sexy librarian thing.
It's just that it is a little Tight.
Mr.
van horne, Your reputation precedes you.
And let me say, i'm flattered, but you are my boss.
(whispers) this is highly inappropriate.
Oh, i'm not hitting on you, joanna.
you're--you're not? I mean, i certainly will if you want me to.
But i believe your heart belongs to another.
A certain photographer.
Who? will? mm-hmm.
(chuckles nervously) no, no.
we're not (chuckles) mm, no.
i know you're not.
you can't even look him in the eye, which is crazy Because you have the kind of eyes that render men helpless.
Your eyes are hypnotic.
Your eyes are the seat of your power, And you don't even use them.
What do you mean, "use them"? Everyone in this world has a talent, joanna, And you've been hiding from yours your entire life.
You have the power to make men do what you want.
you are hypnotic.
And yet, you fear that power so much that you tell yourself that no one will ever do what you want, So, of course, no one ever does.
Don't be afraid.
Find your power, joanna.
Use it.
Hone it.
Harness it.
Just look him the eye.
Give voice to what you want.
(sighs) this is so stupid.
Uh, clyde? can i talk to you? What is it? kinda busy.
It's about, uh, that promotion.
I juston't think you're ready, maybe in a few years.
Could you just look at me? I deserve that job, clyde.
i'm a good writer.
I work hard.
Joanna, you know what? you're a damn good writer.
You work harder than anybody here.
And i'm gonna give you that promotion.
you deserve it.
wait.
what? But Okay.
Hey, joanna.
missed the doughnuts.
got the last one.
Powdered sugar.
(whispers) my favorite.
edgar.
(normal voice) what's up? you don't like powdered sugar.
You want to give it to me.
You want this? i hate powdered sugar.
Mm.
I just got a doughnut.
(flatly) yay.
Penny, wait.
What? You wanna come back here and talk to me.
No, i don't.
Huh.
why didn't that work? (roxie) strange things are starting to happen.
(singsongy) something's going on.
Earthquakes happen.
it's nature.
it is not mystical.
Okay, nothin going on.
Everything is just as normal and boring as it's ever .
Holy crap! what happened to you?! whoa! I don't know, but i feel different.
I feel powerful? or something.
(chuckles) well, you look like a goddess.
(laughs) wow.
I feel a little self-conscious.
how's bun.
i went over there today.
They said she almost died last night.
oh, um, it was touch and go.
she's stabilized.
Um, but i do think that the stroke Has affected her brain.
she said some things.
what kind of things? Nothing.
nothing.
just some nonsense About a cone of power and, you know, evil.
Welcome to my, uh My restaurant.
Dinner's on me tonight.
that is, if i can join you.
Sure.
that would be great.
Ahh, kat.
finally, we meet.
You have the hands of a healer, a mother, Like nature herself Nurturing And destructive.
(gasps) I can't tell you how wonderful it is To see the three of you together.
It is Mmm.
Majestic.
I have something special for the occasion.
Did you know the lenox estate Has one of the last remaining wells in all of eastwick? And the water comes from deep beneath The surface of the earth.
an old legend says That this water contains magical properties (water pouring) And that if you drink enough of it, it'll get you drunk.
Sounds fun.
My grandmother told me about this water.
She said it could cure arthritis.
Whoa, it's water.
water is water.
You don't believe in magic? no, i don't.
And i'm really sick of this town With its dumb, old legends and myths--witches and water.
It just makes us all seem like dumb, gullible hicks.
Still tastes pretty good.
Drink up.
(clink) Roxie, i have a-a rather large lump Of clay sitting in my house, Waiting for you to get your hands on it.
My hands are going nowhere near your lump of clay.
You know, this water is a-actually really-- i know.
it tastes, like like, happy.
But, roxie, i'll pay you $60,000.
(joanna and kat) mmm! Now you need the money.
i need the statue.
Just take the job, and i promise no funny business.
Can i have some more? fine.
(kat) yeah, me, too.
W--i'll be posing nude, by the way.
You are such a pig.
oh, yeah.
(water pouring) (ida maria's "oh my god" playing) (women laughing) ?find a cure ? ?find a cure for my life, find a cure ? (tires screech, horn honks) aah! (laughs) ?find a cure for my life put a price ? ?put a price on my soul, put a price ? ?put a price on my soul, build a wall ? ?build a fortress 'round my heart ? ?oh, my god! ? ?oh, you think i'm in control ? ?oh, my god! oh, you think it's all for fun ? ?oh, my god! oh, you think i'm in control ? ?oh, my god! oh, you think it's all for fun ? whoo! (laughs) This water's amazing! i feel so light! (kat laughs) Me, too! oh, me, too! Kat? Kat! What the hell are you doing?! We're going home.
you're drunk.
I-i just had water! she can handle it on her own.
and you're drunk every day.
i don't want you seeing these people anymore.
I don't like what they do to you.
You can't tell me what to do, raymond.
you are making a fool of yourself.
You be a mother to your kids.
(kat) come here.
(raymond) come on.
let's go.
come on.
let's go! Come on.
I think it's gonna rain.
Yeah, i know.
it's so romantic.
Look, i'm really cold.
i think we should go home.
I'll keep you warm.
Come here.
Look, gus, i really wanna go home.
Don't be a tease, Mia.
You promised me tonight.
you're just scared.
It's okay.
Stop.
gus, get off of me! stop! Just Gus, stop! (grunts) get off of me! gus, stop! (gasps) what just happened? you fell asleep.
You have the most adorable little snore.
I was having a nightmare.
it was so horrible.
don't worry.
it was just a dream.
That's the same moon And the same clouds.
Same as what? as in my dream.
he's going to hurt her.
Who? mia.
they're in that boathouse in the woods, At the swimming hole out by route 9.
We have to go there.
because of a dream? Yes, because of a dream! all right.
fidel, route 9, pronto.
(roxie) mia! Mia! mia! Mia! Get off me! Gus, stop, please! let me go! (lightning crashes) stop! Gus, get off me! get off! Stop! Mommy! oh, my god! it's okay, baby.
(sobbing) mom.
(cries) it's okay.
(coughs and gasps) You touch her again, i'll kill you.
You are an embarrassment, kat! would you keep it down? i just got them to sleep.
There's something very wrong with you.
You want to know what's wrong with me? yeah.
I've put up with your crap for the past ten years, raymond, Because you're the father of my kids, and i thought i had to.
But this ends now.
i'm not putting up with it anymore.
You need to treat me with respect.
Need? need?! let me tell you what i need.
i need a drink.
So i'm going down to the greasy stool Because i am this close to smacking you.
You know, maybe i'm not the one with the problem, raymond.
Maybe the problem is you.
Maybe there's something wrong with you! watch it, kat! that is enough! No, i don't wanna watch it! Because not only are you a mean s.
o.
b.
, you're dull.
You just sit on the couch and you drink beer.
You've got no fire, no spark, no electricity! (lightning crashes) aah! (gasping) Oh, my god! I don't know how to begin to thank you.
It's not necessary.
Yes, it is.
What you did for me tonight, For mia, I just well, i suppose if you really need to thank me, I could spend the night.
you never stop, do you? Do you want me to? i'm kind of seeing someone.
(chuckles) He's a child.
You need a man.
You should leave.
Hmm.
hmm.
(gasps) ow.
Sorry.
hmm.
(gasps) Mm.
Are you gonna do that every time? No! I'm going to bed.
Hmm.
Alone.
(sighs) Uh, barb, can you give us a minute? Sure.
Thanks.
Oh, raymond (sighs) I thought you were dead.
i was so scared, And then i started thinking about The night that amy was born-- when they told us That she was gonna be breech, and you just took my hand, Told me everything was gonna be okay.
You did this to me.
What are you, some kind of-- raymond, listen to me.
I am really glad that you're okay.
But i've made a decision.
I can't let you push me around anymore.
Push you around? Says the crazy bitch that electrocuted me.
i want a divorce.
Yeah? Done.
But i'm gonna take the kids because you are an unfit mother.
And, you know, It really shouldn't be a problem gettin' custody, Not after the way that you've been acting lately.
raymond, you are not taking my kids.
Oh, you watch me, kat.
you wanna mess with me? that's fine.
(inhales sharply) but this is war.
Sorry.
tight squeeze in here.
Clyde.
Look at me.
It is not a tight squeeze in here.
It's really not, not at all.
You're just a creepy boob-brusher.
I just like boobs.
but you're not gonna do it anymore.
I'm done.
also, you wanna give me a raise And all the money in your wallet.
You Should have some money.
Thank you.
that'll be all.
Joanna, hey.
uh, a bunch of us are going for lunch, And i thought that maybe you, uh, wanted to come with.
The truth is, will, That you kinda always had a thing for me.
You're right.
I've kinda always had a thing for you.
I like how you blush and stumble around, How nervous you are, how sweet And right now, even though it seems crazy, You really wanna kiss me.
I really wanna kiss you right now, joanna.
(whispers) damn it! What's wrong? (normal voice) i want this more than you know, But i-i don't want it like this.
it isn't real.
(roxie) well, this is a new development.
I'm helping out.
I figure if i wanna be your boyfriend, I should do boyfriend things.
What smells so good? I made a roast chicken with rosemary potatoes, Salad And brownies.
Your favorite.
Mia told me.
They're my favorite, too.
Okay, not my favorite, but I like them.
See? we like the same foods.
So what do you say? Even though I'm wildly inappropriate for you, Can i stay for dinner? Thank you.
mm-hmm.
Darryl? What are you doing here? Well, i was i just, uh I was checking on you to see if you're okay.
A-actually, i'm not.
I'm getting divorced and i may lose my kids, And i don't know what i'm gonna do.
Well, i know what you're gonna do.
The best lawyer in new york-- my lawyer--is now your lawyer.
So you don't have to worry about anything.
Just let me take care of you.
No one has ever said that to me before.
(roxie) you've got it all wrong! jamie, you don't have to do this! i'm on your side! no, you're on his side! (crying) i can't trust you anymore.
you've proven that.
I'm sorry.
aah! (gasping) (sighs) I just can't shake it.
It was the realest dream i've ever had.
I've never been so scared.
what do i do? It was weird.
It was like i knew him so well, you know? Like like we were intimate.
Only i have no idea who he is.
well, that's probably because it was just a dream.
I mean, not every dream is supposed to come true, you know.
(man) hi.
good morning.
how you doing? i'm sure he doesn't even exist.
It's a wonderful shop.
I love your stuff.
I'm jamie, by the way.
i'm new in town.
(bowl shatters) Roxie? Hello? roxie? Oh, my god! penny! my god! what's up? Look.
someone left this on my doorstep last night.
It's about your friend darryl.
he isn't who he says he is.
what do you mean? who is he? (chris isaak's "baby did a bad, bad thing" playing) This is impossible.
no, it's all right there.
He's a liar, joanna.
he's not darryl van horne.
Darryl van horne is dead.
?baby did a bad, bad thing ? ?baby did a bad, bad thing ?