Ed (2000) s01e03 Episode Script
Just Friends
1 So, to sum it up, what does being a lawyer mean to me? Well, it means helping people solve their problems.
Of course, not everybody sees it that way so I'd like to conclude with a little joke: Why don't sharks eat lawyers? Professional courtesy.
(laughing) Because, you see both sharks and lawyers are vicious predators, so Help me, Carol.
Um, does anyone have any questions for Mr.
Stevens? Warren.
Yeah, I was just wondering, um when you invite a client over to your office for the first time and they see that it's, like in a bowling alley or whatever um are they ever, like "Thanks, but I think I'm going to find a lawyer whose office is not in a bowling alley", or? It happens sometimes.
Okay, that's all I got, class so, for the rest of the hour please put your heads down and nap.
They're not napping.
-Okay, class dismissed.
(bell rings) Thank you very much.
-Have a good time in Math.
Go, Toreadors.
Oh, my God.
It's like facing a firing squad.
How do you do that every day? Actually, you were amazing, Ed.
As a matter of fact, you just may be our second-best Career Day speaker ever.
Second best? -Yeah, well, a couple years ago we did have Jack Barry.
Host of The Joker's Wild? -Yep.
-Did he bring the giant lever? -Yep.
That's pretty good.
-Ed, um I can't tell you how much I appreciate you doing this.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
Stop right, stop right there.
We're friends now.
That's what friends do.
That's what "friends are for.
" Right.
-So, did you dump Nick yet? Ed.
-We're friends, right? That's what friends do.
It's just one friend asking another friend a friendly question.
Please stop saying the word "friend.
" -Okay Homey.
(ballad playing) I'm in the sky tonight There I can keep by your side Watching the wide world right, and hidin' out I'll be comin' home next year.
.
:: Prijevodi - Online ::.
Ten bucks if you drink the rest of the syrup in that bottle.
In come on.
-Ten bucks, Ed.
When the gauntlet is dropped, you must accept the challenge.
There he goes.
-Eddie, what are you doing? He's drinking syrup.
-I thought he was washing the car.
Uh, Nance, what's the matter? -You really don't know? Well, I was up with Sarah for the eighth night in a row.
You look great, honey.
-I know what you're doing.
-What? You're pretending to be asleep.
-Oh, that's crazy.
I'm just a sound sleeper, that's all.
-Mike, you would have to be in a coma to sleep through all that crying.
-Then I must've been in a coma, honey.
I was in a coma, and I came out of it.
I recovered.
It's a miracle.
Honey, you got ten bucks on you? -Hmm.
Yes, Carol, it's time for yet another glorious day at that most hallowed of American educational institutions Stuckeyville High School.
(laughing) And what are you planning on teaching this week? I don't want to spend too much time on it but they're digging it, so You know what? I was in your sophomore English class.
You read us Catcher in the Rye.
It was amazing.
Yeah, well, lots of times when I look in the mirror I see Holden Caulfield staring back at me.
Nick, how do you get away with saying things like that? Like what? Hello, Richie.
Little cool for shorts, isn't it? Not for me.
I'm Norwegian.
-Nice going.
-Thanks.
Well, I got a certified letter here for a Mr.
Edward J.
Stevens.
Yeah, he's in the kitchen.
Come on back and have a waffle.
There's your man, sir.
-Hi.
Hey.
Edward J.
Stevens? -Yeah? -Sign here, please.
Hey, Ed, tell Nance what the "J" stands for.
Jeremy.
(snickering) What's wrong with Jeremy? It means "exalted.
" So, what did you get, O Exalted One? Eddie, what's the matter? "This is to notify you that your wife, Elizabeth Stevens has initiated divorce proceedings.
" Ed's wife slept with the mailman.
Wish mine would.
It's not like I'm surprised she's filing for divorce.
I knew she'd make it official sooner or later.
I just thought that we'd talk about it first.
Instead, I get this letter from her lawyer.
Ed, what's done is done.
Just sign it, send it off and put the past behind you.
It says here they intend to settle everything amicably.
That's good, right? -Well, Liz and I haven't been amicable for about, oh, two years.
Now that we're getting divorced, suddenly she wants to be pals? -Ironic.
Thanks.
That's what I was going for.
Good morning, Team Stuckey Bowl.
-Greetings, your Ed-ship.
How's it goin', Chief? I can't think of something to call you.
-That's not a problem, Shirley.
The law practice is starting to eat up a lot of my time so I'm going to need a little help running things around here.
So, I would like to promote one of you to Manager.
-Great.
I'll do it.
Kneel before your new master.
You kneel down.
Slow down, Phil.
Yeah, you'll each have an equal opportunity to interview for the job.
-Yeah, right.
Hey, listen, Ed, could I get an advance on my raise? Got a waterbed on layaway.
Thanks, bro.
Ed Stevens? -Yeah.
Lou Brown.
Stuckeyville High? -Hey, Lou, how's it going? Oh, yeah, hey, I remember you guys.
Ernie, right? And Bob.
Big Bob Arnovitch.
Yeah, we used to have metal shop together.
Oh, actually, it was wood shop.
Does it really matter, Bob? Wood shop, metal shop they're both "shops.
" Oh.
Sorry, man.
That's okay.
What can I do for you guys? Hey, bowl a free game on the house.
Actually, Ed, the reason we're here me and my buddies are in need of legal representation.
And some of them bowling alley natch-ohs.
Can do.
Shirley! Some "natch-ohs" for the gentlemen.
Nachos.
Oh.
So what's the problem? All right, um This goes back 15 years ago to the summer after high school.
Me, Ernie, Bob we're working nights as busboys down at The Smiling Goat.
That bar Mr.
Stanton hangs out in.
You remember him.
He teaches English.
Yes, I remember Mr.
Stanton.
Yeah, he was pretty cool for a teacher.
He let me sit on his motorcycle once.
I felt like The Fonzie.
How many times do we have to go through this? It's the either "The Fonz" or "Fonzie", it is never "The Fonzie.
" Hey, guys? So the three of you were working as busboys Yeah, uh, us and this other kid, Arthur Daly.
We used to call ourselves The Four Musketeers.
Sort of a play onThe Three Musketeers.
Got it.
I don't remember Arthur.
He was real quiet.
And real smart.
Like a young Alex Trebek.
So, anyway, one night the four of us finished mopping up and we were sitting around, having some beers talking about the mysteries of life; how you never know what the fates hold in store for you.
And you could end up, a janitor, a rock star Or a guy who trains dogs.
For the movies.
-Oh, my God! So, uh, Arthur gets this great idea.
He says, "How about this? "15 years from now "no matter where we live or what we're doing, we all get together.
"However much money each one of us has, we put half of it in a pot and then we split it all evenly amongst the four of us.
" See, that way if one of The Four Musketeers hits it big, the other three get a piece.
Do you follow? -Yeah, that's pretty cool.
Sort of like beginning life as a team.
-Yeah, exactly.
So, Arthur, he writes up a contract and all four of us sign.
This is a bar napkin.
-Yeah, well, the bartender was all out of parchment.
Okay.
-And now it's 15 years later.
It's time to divide up all our money and Arthur's acting like it never happened.
-That's why we came to you.
So, Molls, how do you feel about sneaking out after third period to go to the pie shop? -What's the occasion? Is it my birthday? -No, actually, I'm having lunch with Ed Stevens and I thought maybe you'd like to come along.
Uh, I thought, uh, you and Ed Stevens were buddies now.
We are.
So what do you need a chaperone for? We don't.
I I would just prefer it if you, um Ladies.
Hey, can I bum a smoke? Those kids are driving me nuts today, I'm telling you.
(sighs) Well, it's pretty smudgy, but it appears to be a contract so I guess my first question would be how did things turn out for the four of you? Well, me, I'm broke pumping gas, taking night classes trying to make something of myself.
I'm a roofer.
Got about $2.
000 in the bank.
I blew my whole life savings trying to start a broasted chicken restaurant.
Yeah, and what this And, uh, Arthur? There he is.
His company's worth a hundred million bucks.
Wow.
-Warren, what are you doing? -Oh, same as you.
Just getting a break from the blackboard jungle for a couple minutes.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, that hits the spot.
Hey (whistles) could you top this off for me, tough guy? Warren! No, no, it's okay.
He's just the librarian.
Warren, beat it.
The teachers' lounge is for teachers only.
Yes, yes, it is.
It is, indeed, Ms.
Vessey and as of today, I, too, am a teacher.
This is going to be good.
Yeah, I signed up for the student tutoring program.
I'll be helping some of the less gifted children withOliver Twist.
Gee, Warren, I'm teachingOliver Twist.
What a coincidence! That's so weird.
That's so weird how things work out.
Oh, hey, perhaps, um we can get together later and discuss things Dickensian.
Hmm.
Warren? -Yeah? -That ain't gonna happen.
You know, your friend here's a tough nut to crack.
And I am one hungry squirrel.
Here we are, just three friends enjoying three soup and half-a-salad combos.
Yes, we are, friend.
Friend friend.
Combo.
Combo, combo.
Mm-hmm.
-I'll tell you the Algonquin Round Table has nothing on us.
Carol, I'm wondering if you can give me a time frame on this whole friends thing.
What? -I'm wondering, like when can we stop being friends and start being, you know, um? Boo-yah! -Boo-yah! Exactly.
Ah, boo-yah.
Um, well March 11? That sound good? Yes.
Great.
Let me just check that date out.
Um, let's see March 11, um Okay, here we go.
Oh, 8:00 p.
m.
"Dinner with boyfriend of seven years.
" Now, who could that be? Can't make out that name.
Could it be? Oh, it is.
It's Nick.
Sorry, Ed.
Ouch.
I've been hoisted by my own petard.
Yes, but what a lovely petard it is.
Molly -What? The guy's got a nice petard.
Thank you, Molly.
-Suddenly, I feel a need to pretend I have to go to the bathroom.
Molls.
You know, I am not a very good chaperone.
You know what? I don't want to be friends with Carol Vessey.
I'm tired of hiding it.
That was hiding it? See once you become friends with a woman you're stuck that way forever.
No, no, I've got to make my move before it's too late.
Time for more wacky romantic crap.
Okay.
Exactly.
Hi.
I'd like to star in my own video, please.
Going to talk dirty? Nope.
Going to keep your pants on? Yep.
Let's rock and roll.
I'm ready for my interview.
Oh, yeah, sure, Kenny.
Have a seat.
Hey, resume, Kenny.
Very impressive.
You went to Tufts University? It's in Massachusetts.
I know.
You graduated with a 3.
7 G.
P.
A.
? Then you attended nursing school? Kenny, you're a nurse? Pediatric nurse.
Why do you work in a bowling alley? Life is a journey.
Okay, thanks for your time, Gigantor.
We'll be in touch.
You got visitors, Ed.
All right, guys.
Now, I don't know if I can talk a judge into a $50-million ruling based on a bar napkin however, I do think you have grounds for a suit.
Really? Well, that's great.
But I have to ask, um are you sure you want to do this to your friend? Some friend.
We were there for him every step of the way and now it's like we don't exist.
How did Arthur respond when you brought up the contract? We never even spoke to him.
It was just his big-shot New York lawyers.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, God.
-What? Arthur's represented by Farmer and Sheehan.
-Are they good? Yeah, they're good.
They also happen to be the firm that fired me.
(crying continues) (crying louder) (baby wailing) Hey.
Hey, Molly.
Hi.
Why the solitary pacing? I'm going up against my old law firm.
Ah.
Well, then, I pity your old law firm.
Thanks.
Did I ever tell you why I got fired? Your tie didn't match your suspenders? I left one comma out of a 500-page contract.
You got fired over a comma? That comma cost the firm $1.
6 million.
Must've been some comma.
Yeah.
I'd love to win back some dignity here, Molly.
I would really love to beat these guys.
Well, what can we do to help? I don't know.
They've very good.
And they, they work in packs like, hyenas.
And I'll be outnumbered four to one.
What? -Not necessarily.
There he is.
Mr.
Computer Boy.
Oh, God, they sent Richard Davis.
Stevens.
Good to see you.
Hi, Richard.
George.
Calvin.
Giselle.
My partner, Molly Hudson.
Well, this is a wonderful coincidence, isn't it? Yep.
Kismet.
So what's this I keep hearing about a bowling alley? That's a joke, right? Not at all.
I have a very nice setup over there.
The bowling alley was the only space available to house all of Mr.
Stevens' associates.
That's right.
That's right? In fact, here come a few of them now.
Meet Phillip, Kenneth and Shi Shar Sharlize.
We're lawyers.
You look familiar.
No, I meant had you attended Yeah, I know what you meant, hot stuff.
I was just acting stupid so you'd underestimate my legal prowess.
That's right.
Well, listen, Stevens if you're ever back in New York you shouldcommaby and visit us sometime.
Did I say "comma"? I'm sorry.
It's probably not your favorite word.
Have you been bleaching your temples? Bailiff: All rise.
Mr.
Winthrop, how can I help you? I ate a bad hot dog.
-Got yourself a case of food poisoning, huh? No.
-You said you ate a bad hot dog.
"Bad" in the sense that I didn't care for it.
The bun was stale.
Why are you here, Mr.
Winthrop? -For the company.
Woman on intercom: Dr.
Burton, your wife is on the line.
Hey, Nance.
-Mike, I just fell asleep at my desk.
I cannot go on living like this.
-Well, I'm sympathetic, honey.
But you got to understand something.
I'm a doctor.
If I fall asleep at work, I put lives at risk.
Okay, from now on, we alternate nights.
That's the only fair way and you have got to help me out here.
-Yeah, okay, honey.
I'll take tonight.
-Okay.
Good.
All right, I love you.
-I love you, too.
-All right.
Bye.
Bye.
As long as you're here you want a throat culture? -Sure.
Your Honor, we've traveled all the way from New York City because of an old bar napkin.
My client Mr.
Daly is a very busy man and I hope you won't allow these people to waste anymore of his time.
This is a nuisance suit.
We ask that it be dismissed at once.
Mr.
Stevens.
Judge Henderson This is no ordinary bar napkin.
This is a legitimate contract written in clear, straightforward language by none other than Arthur Daly himself.
As such, it deserves a fair hearing in court.
And what's more, Your Honor you have my word that as long as I practice law in this town I'll never sully your docket with a nuisance suit.
Thank you, Mr.
Stevens.
I enjoyed hearing you use the word "sully.
" Thank you.
Now, Mr.
Davis, the last thing I want to do is to waste your client's precious time.
That's why I'm going to set an immediate trial date.
Thank you, gentlemen.
Ed: So what do you guys think? Think I'm on the right side of this thing or what? I don't know, Eddie, I mean $50 million all because of some goofy late-night bull session when they were 18? I think he's trying to take advantage of him.
No, I disagree, Nance.
I mean, the whole point of the contract was that if one of them got rich, they all get rich.
The guy should be true to his word.
Nance is wrong, Molly's right.
A deal's a deal, case closed end of conversation.
So you'd fork over half your money? -Not a chance, Ed.
You're totally contradicting yourself.
As Walt Whitman once wrote "Do I contradict myself? "Very well then.
I contradict myself.
I am large.
I contain multitudes.
" He's your best friend.
-You married him.
Kenny, what you doing? -Pouring you a frosty cup of my delicious homemade root beer.
That man is a pediatric nurse.
And now, class the pivotal scene in which young Oliver Twist asks his evil master for more food.
(exhales loudly) Please, sir, I want some more.
Some more what? Some more g-g Some more what? Some more gruel.
No! You may not have no more gruel! Would you hurry it up? If I go any faster I'm going to lose Charlie.
Ah, Ms.
Vessey.
Warren.
So how'sOliver Twistgoing? It's tough.
In fact, you could say it's grueling.
Yes.
Yes, you could.
Well good luck, everybody, on your test.
Oh, wait, hold on.
Ms.
Vessey, um that boring lawyer guy was here and he dropped this tape off for you.
I don't know.
Thank you, Warren.
All right.
Check you later then.
Her and me, we got a thang going on.
(slow music plays) (lip-synching): You know our love was meant to be The kind of love to last forever You should know everywhere I go Always on my mind, in my heart, in my soul Baby, you're the meaning in my life You're the inspiration You bring feeling to my life You're the inspiration Want to have you near me Want to have you hear me say, yeah No one needs you more than I need you baby crying) (garbled adult voice) (crying continues) Mike.
Did you hear that? I heard a voice.
It's okay, honey.
Go back to sleep.
It's your night off.
What? I took care of it for you.
Go back to sleep.
Where do you keep the Huggies? I can't believe you paid Kenny to stay here tonight.
He's a pediatric nurse.
He went to Tufts, for God's sake.
Mike, that is not the point.
I'd be glad to have him do your nights, too.
No, Mike, it is bad enough that we're both at work all day and she's stuck here with the nanny.
She cries in the middle of the night her actual parents ought to show up.
You're right.
Yeah.
I am right.
You're sleeping in Sarah's room tonight.
What are you doing? (high-pitched voice): Being a pancake mouse.
You can't stay mad at a pancake mouse.
Good morning, Miss Vessey.
Hello Ed.
Did you see anything good on TV last night? Oh, yes, actually.
The E! Channel had a lovely documentary on Lou Gossett, Jr.
What did you think of my videotape? Well, the first time I saw it, I was shocked and the second time, I was horrified.
I think it was that third time, though.
That's the one that scarred me for life.
You watched it three times, huh? Ed, you have got to stop doing this.
Was it the inflatable guitar? The inflatable guitar was too much.
You never see Keith Richards with an inflatable guitar.
Ed, I want to be your friend so badly but you're making it very, very difficult.
Well, that's too bad.
I'm trying to make it impossible.
Youare impossible.
Carol, what's bothering you is not the fact that I won't leave you alone.
It's that you know I'm right.
You and I are meant to be more than just friends.
You're the reason I came back to Stuckeyville.
It was because of you that I bought the bowling alley.
Oops! I said it.
I wish you hadn't.
(knocking) Shirley.
It's time for my interview, but I could come back later when you're not depressed about that blonde lady or we don't have to do this at all.
Shirley, please come in.
(sighs) Have a have a seat.
Well done.
Okay, then.
So, interview.
Let's see, uh I know this sounds like a cliche, but, uh where do you see yourself in five years? -Here.
Okay.
Good.
Then, um next question.
Uh, where were you employed before Stuckey Bowl? Telemarketing.
I sold ladies' shoes.
I found that most ladies were unwilling to buy their shoes over the phone.
Shirley, do you even want this promotion? No.
Okay, then.
Please state your name.
Arthur Daly.
Mr.
Daly, is this your signature? Yes, that's my signature.
I signed a bar napkin.
Take me away, officer.
If you signed this contract, why won't you honor its terms? Contract? What contract? Do you see a contract? I don't see a contract; I see a napkin.
Mr.
Daly, suppose you came home one day and you opened your mail, and you found a bomb threat.
What would you do? -Objection.
Relevance? -Overruled.
Answer the question, please.
-Yes.
I would call the police.
And what if the bomb threat were written on a bar napkin? Would you then say to yourself "Oh, thank goodness, it's not a bomb threat; it's just a bar napkin.
" No, but that's not a bomb Thank you, Mr.
Daly.
Mr.
Brown, suppose two friends are playing basketball and one says to the other "I'll give you a million dollars if you make your next shot.
" Have you ever said anything like that? Yeah.
Of course.
And when your friend made the shot did you give him the million dollars? No.
Why not? I mean, a deal is a deal.
Because when you say that, you don't really mean it.
That's right.
A contract isn't a contract when everyone knows that you don't mean it.
Yeah, but we meant it.
A contract isn't a contract when it's said in jest.
Yeah, but this wasn't said in A contract isn't a contract when it's written as a joke by an 18 year-old who never dreamed that one day it would be enforced.
Objection.
Yes, Mr.
Stevens.
A lawyer isn't a lawyer if he keeps giving speeches instead of asking questions.
Or if he works in a bowling alley.
Mr.
Davis.
My apologies, Your Honor.
Nothing further.
Hey, what you got there, some kind of legal crap? Actually, it's-it's kind of personal.
Personal? Good.
Spill your guts to Dr.
Stubbs.
My wife's filing for divorce.
-That's it? When you said personal I figured you were getting a sex change or something.
Sorry to disappoint you.
Hey, come join me in your office.
Why? It's interview time, baby.
Okay, Phil, I'm all yours.
Just tell me whyyoushould be the new manager of Stuckey Bowl.
Good question, my man, but don't ask me.
Ask the people who count the customers.
Cue lights! Cue sound! (upbeat music plays) And action! I'm not the world's greatest bowler but when I broke 200 for the first time Phil Stubbs baked me a cake.
I felt like a champion.
Phil Stubbs has a special name for every single ball in the alley! This one is Godfrey.
Phil Stubbs said that if I dropped out of the running he'd re-grout my tub.
Phil Stubbs is your new manager.
Phil Stubbs boom-bi-ya.
All (chanting): Phil Stubbs, boom-bi-ya.
Phil Stubbs, boom-bi-ya.
Phil Stubbs, boom-bi-ya.
Phil Stubbs, boom-bi-ya.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Thank you, everybody.
Congratulations, Phil.
You are the new manager of Stuckey Bowl.
(cheering) Get my thigh.
Get under my thigh.
Okay.
I need some help on my back.
Just on my lower back, okay? Nick: Now, this guy was a biker back when being a biker meant something.
The kind of guy who would just as soon beat you with a pipe as shake your hand but it was my favorite hat! I wanted it back, so I looked him right in the eye, and I said I don't know what I'm going to tell my mother when she finds out that I let a biker steal her hat.
And the guy's eyes widen and he rips the thing off his head, and he says "This is a ladies hat? I ain't wearing no ladies hat.
" So, did he give it back? That answer your question? -That was great.
I'll see you.
Got to keep my people happy.
-Oh, please.
You know I love your stories.
Hey, isn't that your, uh little buddy? Hey, Nick.
Carol.
-Hi.
-Well, if it isn't the lord of the lanes.
This your first time at the Goat? -First time with a real I.
D.
anyway.
Duncan, how's about a pint for young Edward here? So, what brings you to this temple of drowned sorrows? I'm looking for you guys, actually.
Of course, right, because, um Ed lent me an emery board and I am going to return it right now.
So there's the emery board, Ed.
Please take the emery board.
Relax, Carol.
Let the man sit down and quaff his ale.
Yes.
Yes, Carol, let me quaff my ale.
Thank you, Nick.
How about a toast? To friendship.
To friendship.
A mailman? That's just unbelievable.
Well, Nick, what can I tell you.
Neither rain nor sleet nor gloom of night could stop him from having sex with my wife.
(laughing) I tell you, if I were you I'd just put the whole thing behind me.
Get out there, find yourself a fine new woman.
Well, Nick, as it turned out I already have.
Then what's the problem? She's in love with a pompous.
Oh, man! I've been there.
I feel for you.
You know what you need? No.
You need some action.
I do.
Let me see what I can scare up for you.
Thanks, Nick.
Ed, what are you doing? I'd say it's a passive-aggressive attempt to make you feel bad for rejecting me in favor of Nick Stanton but don't worry, in about five or ten minutes I'll have it out of my system.
Ed, meet Marie.
Marie, Ed.
Marie.
Hi, Ed.
Howdy.
How are you? She works at the roller rink.
You guys can exchange trade secrets.
Well, what are you drinking there, Marie? A Fuzzy Navel.
Duncan, how about a Turns out I'm not capable of yelling Fuzzy Navel in public.
Stanton: Duncan, shot of Jack for the lady.
Shot of Jack.
So, Marie, what brings you to the temple of drowned sorrows? You don't mind if I use that, do you? Excuse me.
Whoa, whoa, what's? I'd better go.
You kids have fun.
-Thanks.
(Sarah crying) It's okay, Sarah.
It's all right.
Daddy's got It's okay, Sarah.
(crying stops) I don't know what I was thinking, Nance.
Carol and I were getting so close.
Now she hates my guts.
I'm an idiot.
Nancy: Well, well, well, look who's here looking all bright and cheery.
It's my little pancake mouse.
Aren't you the cutest little thing.
I get the point, honey.
Can I eat my breakfast? In conclusion, ladies and gentlemen I want each of you to put yourself in Mr.
Daly's position.
Imagine having spent 15 years working 16 hours a day to build a company from scratch.
And then along comes three guys three guys who have made nothing of themselves and they try and take what's yours because of a joke.
Hey, I know that Arthur Daly isn't the most sympathetic guy in the room.
He's made more money than most of us will ever see in our lives.
But the laws that protect him and his money are the same laws that protect you and yours.
Thank you.
Mr.
Stevens, your closing statement, please.
Mr.
Davis would like you to believe that this contract is a joke.
Well, it's not a joke.
Here's a joke Why don't sharks eat lawyers? Professional courtesy.
(laughter) Look, I have one point to make and it's this.
You cannot laugh away a commitment.
When these four friends signed this contract they joined their lives together.
Now maybe they shouldn't have done it, you know.
Maybe they were being rash, maybe they were being silly but couldn't you say the same thing about a lot of marriages? The fact is this they made a deal.
Four friends made a deal.
So now it's up to the eight of you to decide what's fair.
Is it fair for my clients to walk away with $50 million? That's your call.
But is it fair for Arthur Daly to simply laugh this whole thing away? Absolutely not.
Absolutely not.
I know it, you know it and something tells me Arthur Daly knows it, too.
Thank you.
at today, Ed.
I mean it.
Thanks, Lou.
You were like MacGyver except you don't live on a houseboat.
Hey.
What are they doing here? How can I help you gentlemen? My client wishes to discuss settlement.
Now, we're not here to negotiate terms I can handle this.
Arthur I said, I can handle this.
In fact, why don't you wait outside.
Arthur.
Ernie.
Lou.
Bob.
I was hoping the four of us could sit down and talk this through.
Well, thanks, but we're pretty happy with the way things are going in court, Artie.
Look, you're not going to win this thing.
No matter what the jury decides my lawyers are going to keep this thing tied up in the courts for the next thousand years.
It's what they do best.
Then what do you want, Arthur? The four of us we were friends.
Yeah friends.
I know, I turned my back on you guys.
It was wrong.
I apologize.
But $50 million, is that right? Look, here's what I'm thinking.
I want you guys to come and work at the company.
There'll be a lot of great opportunities there.
Well, if you change your minds, you can give me a call.
What are bowling balls made of? (bossa nova playing) Someone to hold me tight It would be very nice Someone to love me right That would be very nice Someone to understand Instead of dreaming me Someone to take my hand To be a team with me So nice Life would be so nice If all day I'd find Someone who will take my hand And suffer through life with me Someone to cling to me Stay with me right or wrong Someone to sing to me Some little summer song Someone to take my heart And give his heart to me Someone who's ready to give love and start with me Oh, yeah That would be so nice I could see you and me That would be nice.
Ca-carol.
Hey.
Hey, you're the last person I expected to see over Ed.
Yeah? I need you to make a decision and I need you to make it right now.
Are you or are you not capable of being my friend? Just yes or no.
Have you ever been alone? What? Carol, you're smart you're funny, you're beautiful.
You're everything a guy could ask for in a girl.
So I'm wondering, have you ever been alone? I There was two weeks in the beginning of ninth grade I was alone.
Divorce papers from Liz.
Ow.
-Yeah.
Sorry.
-That's okay.
But when I sign these things I'll be alone.
No Liz, no Carol.
Just Ed.
Maybe I'm having a bit of a hard time getting used to that idea.
I'm sorry.
-It's okay.
But you know you don't have to be alone.
Why not? -Because you have Marie.
Marie? -The Fuzzy Navel girl.
Oh.
-No, no, no.
No, nothing happened.
Oh, really? -No, she wasn't my type.
Uh-huh, and why is that? -Because she was she was too she was full of schnapps, basically.
She was too full of schnapps.
-I see.
Besides, what do you care? -I don't care.
I think you do care.
-Oh, no, no, no, I don't care.
I think you care.
-I think you should shut up and sign your divorce papers is what I think.
Yeah.
(chuckles) (sighs) To friendship.
To friendship.
Of course, not everybody sees it that way so I'd like to conclude with a little joke: Why don't sharks eat lawyers? Professional courtesy.
(laughing) Because, you see both sharks and lawyers are vicious predators, so Help me, Carol.
Um, does anyone have any questions for Mr.
Stevens? Warren.
Yeah, I was just wondering, um when you invite a client over to your office for the first time and they see that it's, like in a bowling alley or whatever um are they ever, like "Thanks, but I think I'm going to find a lawyer whose office is not in a bowling alley", or? It happens sometimes.
Okay, that's all I got, class so, for the rest of the hour please put your heads down and nap.
They're not napping.
-Okay, class dismissed.
(bell rings) Thank you very much.
-Have a good time in Math.
Go, Toreadors.
Oh, my God.
It's like facing a firing squad.
How do you do that every day? Actually, you were amazing, Ed.
As a matter of fact, you just may be our second-best Career Day speaker ever.
Second best? -Yeah, well, a couple years ago we did have Jack Barry.
Host of The Joker's Wild? -Yep.
-Did he bring the giant lever? -Yep.
That's pretty good.
-Ed, um I can't tell you how much I appreciate you doing this.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
Stop right, stop right there.
We're friends now.
That's what friends do.
That's what "friends are for.
" Right.
-So, did you dump Nick yet? Ed.
-We're friends, right? That's what friends do.
It's just one friend asking another friend a friendly question.
Please stop saying the word "friend.
" -Okay Homey.
(ballad playing) I'm in the sky tonight There I can keep by your side Watching the wide world right, and hidin' out I'll be comin' home next year.
.
:: Prijevodi - Online ::.
Ten bucks if you drink the rest of the syrup in that bottle.
In come on.
-Ten bucks, Ed.
When the gauntlet is dropped, you must accept the challenge.
There he goes.
-Eddie, what are you doing? He's drinking syrup.
-I thought he was washing the car.
Uh, Nance, what's the matter? -You really don't know? Well, I was up with Sarah for the eighth night in a row.
You look great, honey.
-I know what you're doing.
-What? You're pretending to be asleep.
-Oh, that's crazy.
I'm just a sound sleeper, that's all.
-Mike, you would have to be in a coma to sleep through all that crying.
-Then I must've been in a coma, honey.
I was in a coma, and I came out of it.
I recovered.
It's a miracle.
Honey, you got ten bucks on you? -Hmm.
Yes, Carol, it's time for yet another glorious day at that most hallowed of American educational institutions Stuckeyville High School.
(laughing) And what are you planning on teaching this week? I don't want to spend too much time on it but they're digging it, so You know what? I was in your sophomore English class.
You read us Catcher in the Rye.
It was amazing.
Yeah, well, lots of times when I look in the mirror I see Holden Caulfield staring back at me.
Nick, how do you get away with saying things like that? Like what? Hello, Richie.
Little cool for shorts, isn't it? Not for me.
I'm Norwegian.
-Nice going.
-Thanks.
Well, I got a certified letter here for a Mr.
Edward J.
Stevens.
Yeah, he's in the kitchen.
Come on back and have a waffle.
There's your man, sir.
-Hi.
Hey.
Edward J.
Stevens? -Yeah? -Sign here, please.
Hey, Ed, tell Nance what the "J" stands for.
Jeremy.
(snickering) What's wrong with Jeremy? It means "exalted.
" So, what did you get, O Exalted One? Eddie, what's the matter? "This is to notify you that your wife, Elizabeth Stevens has initiated divorce proceedings.
" Ed's wife slept with the mailman.
Wish mine would.
It's not like I'm surprised she's filing for divorce.
I knew she'd make it official sooner or later.
I just thought that we'd talk about it first.
Instead, I get this letter from her lawyer.
Ed, what's done is done.
Just sign it, send it off and put the past behind you.
It says here they intend to settle everything amicably.
That's good, right? -Well, Liz and I haven't been amicable for about, oh, two years.
Now that we're getting divorced, suddenly she wants to be pals? -Ironic.
Thanks.
That's what I was going for.
Good morning, Team Stuckey Bowl.
-Greetings, your Ed-ship.
How's it goin', Chief? I can't think of something to call you.
-That's not a problem, Shirley.
The law practice is starting to eat up a lot of my time so I'm going to need a little help running things around here.
So, I would like to promote one of you to Manager.
-Great.
I'll do it.
Kneel before your new master.
You kneel down.
Slow down, Phil.
Yeah, you'll each have an equal opportunity to interview for the job.
-Yeah, right.
Hey, listen, Ed, could I get an advance on my raise? Got a waterbed on layaway.
Thanks, bro.
Ed Stevens? -Yeah.
Lou Brown.
Stuckeyville High? -Hey, Lou, how's it going? Oh, yeah, hey, I remember you guys.
Ernie, right? And Bob.
Big Bob Arnovitch.
Yeah, we used to have metal shop together.
Oh, actually, it was wood shop.
Does it really matter, Bob? Wood shop, metal shop they're both "shops.
" Oh.
Sorry, man.
That's okay.
What can I do for you guys? Hey, bowl a free game on the house.
Actually, Ed, the reason we're here me and my buddies are in need of legal representation.
And some of them bowling alley natch-ohs.
Can do.
Shirley! Some "natch-ohs" for the gentlemen.
Nachos.
Oh.
So what's the problem? All right, um This goes back 15 years ago to the summer after high school.
Me, Ernie, Bob we're working nights as busboys down at The Smiling Goat.
That bar Mr.
Stanton hangs out in.
You remember him.
He teaches English.
Yes, I remember Mr.
Stanton.
Yeah, he was pretty cool for a teacher.
He let me sit on his motorcycle once.
I felt like The Fonzie.
How many times do we have to go through this? It's the either "The Fonz" or "Fonzie", it is never "The Fonzie.
" Hey, guys? So the three of you were working as busboys Yeah, uh, us and this other kid, Arthur Daly.
We used to call ourselves The Four Musketeers.
Sort of a play onThe Three Musketeers.
Got it.
I don't remember Arthur.
He was real quiet.
And real smart.
Like a young Alex Trebek.
So, anyway, one night the four of us finished mopping up and we were sitting around, having some beers talking about the mysteries of life; how you never know what the fates hold in store for you.
And you could end up, a janitor, a rock star Or a guy who trains dogs.
For the movies.
-Oh, my God! So, uh, Arthur gets this great idea.
He says, "How about this? "15 years from now "no matter where we live or what we're doing, we all get together.
"However much money each one of us has, we put half of it in a pot and then we split it all evenly amongst the four of us.
" See, that way if one of The Four Musketeers hits it big, the other three get a piece.
Do you follow? -Yeah, that's pretty cool.
Sort of like beginning life as a team.
-Yeah, exactly.
So, Arthur, he writes up a contract and all four of us sign.
This is a bar napkin.
-Yeah, well, the bartender was all out of parchment.
Okay.
-And now it's 15 years later.
It's time to divide up all our money and Arthur's acting like it never happened.
-That's why we came to you.
So, Molls, how do you feel about sneaking out after third period to go to the pie shop? -What's the occasion? Is it my birthday? -No, actually, I'm having lunch with Ed Stevens and I thought maybe you'd like to come along.
Uh, I thought, uh, you and Ed Stevens were buddies now.
We are.
So what do you need a chaperone for? We don't.
I I would just prefer it if you, um Ladies.
Hey, can I bum a smoke? Those kids are driving me nuts today, I'm telling you.
(sighs) Well, it's pretty smudgy, but it appears to be a contract so I guess my first question would be how did things turn out for the four of you? Well, me, I'm broke pumping gas, taking night classes trying to make something of myself.
I'm a roofer.
Got about $2.
000 in the bank.
I blew my whole life savings trying to start a broasted chicken restaurant.
Yeah, and what this And, uh, Arthur? There he is.
His company's worth a hundred million bucks.
Wow.
-Warren, what are you doing? -Oh, same as you.
Just getting a break from the blackboard jungle for a couple minutes.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, that hits the spot.
Hey (whistles) could you top this off for me, tough guy? Warren! No, no, it's okay.
He's just the librarian.
Warren, beat it.
The teachers' lounge is for teachers only.
Yes, yes, it is.
It is, indeed, Ms.
Vessey and as of today, I, too, am a teacher.
This is going to be good.
Yeah, I signed up for the student tutoring program.
I'll be helping some of the less gifted children withOliver Twist.
Gee, Warren, I'm teachingOliver Twist.
What a coincidence! That's so weird.
That's so weird how things work out.
Oh, hey, perhaps, um we can get together later and discuss things Dickensian.
Hmm.
Warren? -Yeah? -That ain't gonna happen.
You know, your friend here's a tough nut to crack.
And I am one hungry squirrel.
Here we are, just three friends enjoying three soup and half-a-salad combos.
Yes, we are, friend.
Friend friend.
Combo.
Combo, combo.
Mm-hmm.
-I'll tell you the Algonquin Round Table has nothing on us.
Carol, I'm wondering if you can give me a time frame on this whole friends thing.
What? -I'm wondering, like when can we stop being friends and start being, you know, um? Boo-yah! -Boo-yah! Exactly.
Ah, boo-yah.
Um, well March 11? That sound good? Yes.
Great.
Let me just check that date out.
Um, let's see March 11, um Okay, here we go.
Oh, 8:00 p.
m.
"Dinner with boyfriend of seven years.
" Now, who could that be? Can't make out that name.
Could it be? Oh, it is.
It's Nick.
Sorry, Ed.
Ouch.
I've been hoisted by my own petard.
Yes, but what a lovely petard it is.
Molly -What? The guy's got a nice petard.
Thank you, Molly.
-Suddenly, I feel a need to pretend I have to go to the bathroom.
Molls.
You know, I am not a very good chaperone.
You know what? I don't want to be friends with Carol Vessey.
I'm tired of hiding it.
That was hiding it? See once you become friends with a woman you're stuck that way forever.
No, no, I've got to make my move before it's too late.
Time for more wacky romantic crap.
Okay.
Exactly.
Hi.
I'd like to star in my own video, please.
Going to talk dirty? Nope.
Going to keep your pants on? Yep.
Let's rock and roll.
I'm ready for my interview.
Oh, yeah, sure, Kenny.
Have a seat.
Hey, resume, Kenny.
Very impressive.
You went to Tufts University? It's in Massachusetts.
I know.
You graduated with a 3.
7 G.
P.
A.
? Then you attended nursing school? Kenny, you're a nurse? Pediatric nurse.
Why do you work in a bowling alley? Life is a journey.
Okay, thanks for your time, Gigantor.
We'll be in touch.
You got visitors, Ed.
All right, guys.
Now, I don't know if I can talk a judge into a $50-million ruling based on a bar napkin however, I do think you have grounds for a suit.
Really? Well, that's great.
But I have to ask, um are you sure you want to do this to your friend? Some friend.
We were there for him every step of the way and now it's like we don't exist.
How did Arthur respond when you brought up the contract? We never even spoke to him.
It was just his big-shot New York lawyers.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, God.
-What? Arthur's represented by Farmer and Sheehan.
-Are they good? Yeah, they're good.
They also happen to be the firm that fired me.
(crying continues) (crying louder) (baby wailing) Hey.
Hey, Molly.
Hi.
Why the solitary pacing? I'm going up against my old law firm.
Ah.
Well, then, I pity your old law firm.
Thanks.
Did I ever tell you why I got fired? Your tie didn't match your suspenders? I left one comma out of a 500-page contract.
You got fired over a comma? That comma cost the firm $1.
6 million.
Must've been some comma.
Yeah.
I'd love to win back some dignity here, Molly.
I would really love to beat these guys.
Well, what can we do to help? I don't know.
They've very good.
And they, they work in packs like, hyenas.
And I'll be outnumbered four to one.
What? -Not necessarily.
There he is.
Mr.
Computer Boy.
Oh, God, they sent Richard Davis.
Stevens.
Good to see you.
Hi, Richard.
George.
Calvin.
Giselle.
My partner, Molly Hudson.
Well, this is a wonderful coincidence, isn't it? Yep.
Kismet.
So what's this I keep hearing about a bowling alley? That's a joke, right? Not at all.
I have a very nice setup over there.
The bowling alley was the only space available to house all of Mr.
Stevens' associates.
That's right.
That's right? In fact, here come a few of them now.
Meet Phillip, Kenneth and Shi Shar Sharlize.
We're lawyers.
You look familiar.
No, I meant had you attended Yeah, I know what you meant, hot stuff.
I was just acting stupid so you'd underestimate my legal prowess.
That's right.
Well, listen, Stevens if you're ever back in New York you shouldcommaby and visit us sometime.
Did I say "comma"? I'm sorry.
It's probably not your favorite word.
Have you been bleaching your temples? Bailiff: All rise.
Mr.
Winthrop, how can I help you? I ate a bad hot dog.
-Got yourself a case of food poisoning, huh? No.
-You said you ate a bad hot dog.
"Bad" in the sense that I didn't care for it.
The bun was stale.
Why are you here, Mr.
Winthrop? -For the company.
Woman on intercom: Dr.
Burton, your wife is on the line.
Hey, Nance.
-Mike, I just fell asleep at my desk.
I cannot go on living like this.
-Well, I'm sympathetic, honey.
But you got to understand something.
I'm a doctor.
If I fall asleep at work, I put lives at risk.
Okay, from now on, we alternate nights.
That's the only fair way and you have got to help me out here.
-Yeah, okay, honey.
I'll take tonight.
-Okay.
Good.
All right, I love you.
-I love you, too.
-All right.
Bye.
Bye.
As long as you're here you want a throat culture? -Sure.
Your Honor, we've traveled all the way from New York City because of an old bar napkin.
My client Mr.
Daly is a very busy man and I hope you won't allow these people to waste anymore of his time.
This is a nuisance suit.
We ask that it be dismissed at once.
Mr.
Stevens.
Judge Henderson This is no ordinary bar napkin.
This is a legitimate contract written in clear, straightforward language by none other than Arthur Daly himself.
As such, it deserves a fair hearing in court.
And what's more, Your Honor you have my word that as long as I practice law in this town I'll never sully your docket with a nuisance suit.
Thank you, Mr.
Stevens.
I enjoyed hearing you use the word "sully.
" Thank you.
Now, Mr.
Davis, the last thing I want to do is to waste your client's precious time.
That's why I'm going to set an immediate trial date.
Thank you, gentlemen.
Ed: So what do you guys think? Think I'm on the right side of this thing or what? I don't know, Eddie, I mean $50 million all because of some goofy late-night bull session when they were 18? I think he's trying to take advantage of him.
No, I disagree, Nance.
I mean, the whole point of the contract was that if one of them got rich, they all get rich.
The guy should be true to his word.
Nance is wrong, Molly's right.
A deal's a deal, case closed end of conversation.
So you'd fork over half your money? -Not a chance, Ed.
You're totally contradicting yourself.
As Walt Whitman once wrote "Do I contradict myself? "Very well then.
I contradict myself.
I am large.
I contain multitudes.
" He's your best friend.
-You married him.
Kenny, what you doing? -Pouring you a frosty cup of my delicious homemade root beer.
That man is a pediatric nurse.
And now, class the pivotal scene in which young Oliver Twist asks his evil master for more food.
(exhales loudly) Please, sir, I want some more.
Some more what? Some more g-g Some more what? Some more gruel.
No! You may not have no more gruel! Would you hurry it up? If I go any faster I'm going to lose Charlie.
Ah, Ms.
Vessey.
Warren.
So how'sOliver Twistgoing? It's tough.
In fact, you could say it's grueling.
Yes.
Yes, you could.
Well good luck, everybody, on your test.
Oh, wait, hold on.
Ms.
Vessey, um that boring lawyer guy was here and he dropped this tape off for you.
I don't know.
Thank you, Warren.
All right.
Check you later then.
Her and me, we got a thang going on.
(slow music plays) (lip-synching): You know our love was meant to be The kind of love to last forever You should know everywhere I go Always on my mind, in my heart, in my soul Baby, you're the meaning in my life You're the inspiration You bring feeling to my life You're the inspiration Want to have you near me Want to have you hear me say, yeah No one needs you more than I need you baby crying) (garbled adult voice) (crying continues) Mike.
Did you hear that? I heard a voice.
It's okay, honey.
Go back to sleep.
It's your night off.
What? I took care of it for you.
Go back to sleep.
Where do you keep the Huggies? I can't believe you paid Kenny to stay here tonight.
He's a pediatric nurse.
He went to Tufts, for God's sake.
Mike, that is not the point.
I'd be glad to have him do your nights, too.
No, Mike, it is bad enough that we're both at work all day and she's stuck here with the nanny.
She cries in the middle of the night her actual parents ought to show up.
You're right.
Yeah.
I am right.
You're sleeping in Sarah's room tonight.
What are you doing? (high-pitched voice): Being a pancake mouse.
You can't stay mad at a pancake mouse.
Good morning, Miss Vessey.
Hello Ed.
Did you see anything good on TV last night? Oh, yes, actually.
The E! Channel had a lovely documentary on Lou Gossett, Jr.
What did you think of my videotape? Well, the first time I saw it, I was shocked and the second time, I was horrified.
I think it was that third time, though.
That's the one that scarred me for life.
You watched it three times, huh? Ed, you have got to stop doing this.
Was it the inflatable guitar? The inflatable guitar was too much.
You never see Keith Richards with an inflatable guitar.
Ed, I want to be your friend so badly but you're making it very, very difficult.
Well, that's too bad.
I'm trying to make it impossible.
Youare impossible.
Carol, what's bothering you is not the fact that I won't leave you alone.
It's that you know I'm right.
You and I are meant to be more than just friends.
You're the reason I came back to Stuckeyville.
It was because of you that I bought the bowling alley.
Oops! I said it.
I wish you hadn't.
(knocking) Shirley.
It's time for my interview, but I could come back later when you're not depressed about that blonde lady or we don't have to do this at all.
Shirley, please come in.
(sighs) Have a have a seat.
Well done.
Okay, then.
So, interview.
Let's see, uh I know this sounds like a cliche, but, uh where do you see yourself in five years? -Here.
Okay.
Good.
Then, um next question.
Uh, where were you employed before Stuckey Bowl? Telemarketing.
I sold ladies' shoes.
I found that most ladies were unwilling to buy their shoes over the phone.
Shirley, do you even want this promotion? No.
Okay, then.
Please state your name.
Arthur Daly.
Mr.
Daly, is this your signature? Yes, that's my signature.
I signed a bar napkin.
Take me away, officer.
If you signed this contract, why won't you honor its terms? Contract? What contract? Do you see a contract? I don't see a contract; I see a napkin.
Mr.
Daly, suppose you came home one day and you opened your mail, and you found a bomb threat.
What would you do? -Objection.
Relevance? -Overruled.
Answer the question, please.
-Yes.
I would call the police.
And what if the bomb threat were written on a bar napkin? Would you then say to yourself "Oh, thank goodness, it's not a bomb threat; it's just a bar napkin.
" No, but that's not a bomb Thank you, Mr.
Daly.
Mr.
Brown, suppose two friends are playing basketball and one says to the other "I'll give you a million dollars if you make your next shot.
" Have you ever said anything like that? Yeah.
Of course.
And when your friend made the shot did you give him the million dollars? No.
Why not? I mean, a deal is a deal.
Because when you say that, you don't really mean it.
That's right.
A contract isn't a contract when everyone knows that you don't mean it.
Yeah, but we meant it.
A contract isn't a contract when it's said in jest.
Yeah, but this wasn't said in A contract isn't a contract when it's written as a joke by an 18 year-old who never dreamed that one day it would be enforced.
Objection.
Yes, Mr.
Stevens.
A lawyer isn't a lawyer if he keeps giving speeches instead of asking questions.
Or if he works in a bowling alley.
Mr.
Davis.
My apologies, Your Honor.
Nothing further.
Hey, what you got there, some kind of legal crap? Actually, it's-it's kind of personal.
Personal? Good.
Spill your guts to Dr.
Stubbs.
My wife's filing for divorce.
-That's it? When you said personal I figured you were getting a sex change or something.
Sorry to disappoint you.
Hey, come join me in your office.
Why? It's interview time, baby.
Okay, Phil, I'm all yours.
Just tell me whyyoushould be the new manager of Stuckey Bowl.
Good question, my man, but don't ask me.
Ask the people who count the customers.
Cue lights! Cue sound! (upbeat music plays) And action! I'm not the world's greatest bowler but when I broke 200 for the first time Phil Stubbs baked me a cake.
I felt like a champion.
Phil Stubbs has a special name for every single ball in the alley! This one is Godfrey.
Phil Stubbs said that if I dropped out of the running he'd re-grout my tub.
Phil Stubbs is your new manager.
Phil Stubbs boom-bi-ya.
All (chanting): Phil Stubbs, boom-bi-ya.
Phil Stubbs, boom-bi-ya.
Phil Stubbs, boom-bi-ya.
Phil Stubbs, boom-bi-ya.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Thank you, everybody.
Congratulations, Phil.
You are the new manager of Stuckey Bowl.
(cheering) Get my thigh.
Get under my thigh.
Okay.
I need some help on my back.
Just on my lower back, okay? Nick: Now, this guy was a biker back when being a biker meant something.
The kind of guy who would just as soon beat you with a pipe as shake your hand but it was my favorite hat! I wanted it back, so I looked him right in the eye, and I said I don't know what I'm going to tell my mother when she finds out that I let a biker steal her hat.
And the guy's eyes widen and he rips the thing off his head, and he says "This is a ladies hat? I ain't wearing no ladies hat.
" So, did he give it back? That answer your question? -That was great.
I'll see you.
Got to keep my people happy.
-Oh, please.
You know I love your stories.
Hey, isn't that your, uh little buddy? Hey, Nick.
Carol.
-Hi.
-Well, if it isn't the lord of the lanes.
This your first time at the Goat? -First time with a real I.
D.
anyway.
Duncan, how's about a pint for young Edward here? So, what brings you to this temple of drowned sorrows? I'm looking for you guys, actually.
Of course, right, because, um Ed lent me an emery board and I am going to return it right now.
So there's the emery board, Ed.
Please take the emery board.
Relax, Carol.
Let the man sit down and quaff his ale.
Yes.
Yes, Carol, let me quaff my ale.
Thank you, Nick.
How about a toast? To friendship.
To friendship.
A mailman? That's just unbelievable.
Well, Nick, what can I tell you.
Neither rain nor sleet nor gloom of night could stop him from having sex with my wife.
(laughing) I tell you, if I were you I'd just put the whole thing behind me.
Get out there, find yourself a fine new woman.
Well, Nick, as it turned out I already have.
Then what's the problem? She's in love with a pompous.
Oh, man! I've been there.
I feel for you.
You know what you need? No.
You need some action.
I do.
Let me see what I can scare up for you.
Thanks, Nick.
Ed, what are you doing? I'd say it's a passive-aggressive attempt to make you feel bad for rejecting me in favor of Nick Stanton but don't worry, in about five or ten minutes I'll have it out of my system.
Ed, meet Marie.
Marie, Ed.
Marie.
Hi, Ed.
Howdy.
How are you? She works at the roller rink.
You guys can exchange trade secrets.
Well, what are you drinking there, Marie? A Fuzzy Navel.
Duncan, how about a Turns out I'm not capable of yelling Fuzzy Navel in public.
Stanton: Duncan, shot of Jack for the lady.
Shot of Jack.
So, Marie, what brings you to the temple of drowned sorrows? You don't mind if I use that, do you? Excuse me.
Whoa, whoa, what's? I'd better go.
You kids have fun.
-Thanks.
(Sarah crying) It's okay, Sarah.
It's all right.
Daddy's got It's okay, Sarah.
(crying stops) I don't know what I was thinking, Nance.
Carol and I were getting so close.
Now she hates my guts.
I'm an idiot.
Nancy: Well, well, well, look who's here looking all bright and cheery.
It's my little pancake mouse.
Aren't you the cutest little thing.
I get the point, honey.
Can I eat my breakfast? In conclusion, ladies and gentlemen I want each of you to put yourself in Mr.
Daly's position.
Imagine having spent 15 years working 16 hours a day to build a company from scratch.
And then along comes three guys three guys who have made nothing of themselves and they try and take what's yours because of a joke.
Hey, I know that Arthur Daly isn't the most sympathetic guy in the room.
He's made more money than most of us will ever see in our lives.
But the laws that protect him and his money are the same laws that protect you and yours.
Thank you.
Mr.
Stevens, your closing statement, please.
Mr.
Davis would like you to believe that this contract is a joke.
Well, it's not a joke.
Here's a joke Why don't sharks eat lawyers? Professional courtesy.
(laughter) Look, I have one point to make and it's this.
You cannot laugh away a commitment.
When these four friends signed this contract they joined their lives together.
Now maybe they shouldn't have done it, you know.
Maybe they were being rash, maybe they were being silly but couldn't you say the same thing about a lot of marriages? The fact is this they made a deal.
Four friends made a deal.
So now it's up to the eight of you to decide what's fair.
Is it fair for my clients to walk away with $50 million? That's your call.
But is it fair for Arthur Daly to simply laugh this whole thing away? Absolutely not.
Absolutely not.
I know it, you know it and something tells me Arthur Daly knows it, too.
Thank you.
at today, Ed.
I mean it.
Thanks, Lou.
You were like MacGyver except you don't live on a houseboat.
Hey.
What are they doing here? How can I help you gentlemen? My client wishes to discuss settlement.
Now, we're not here to negotiate terms I can handle this.
Arthur I said, I can handle this.
In fact, why don't you wait outside.
Arthur.
Ernie.
Lou.
Bob.
I was hoping the four of us could sit down and talk this through.
Well, thanks, but we're pretty happy with the way things are going in court, Artie.
Look, you're not going to win this thing.
No matter what the jury decides my lawyers are going to keep this thing tied up in the courts for the next thousand years.
It's what they do best.
Then what do you want, Arthur? The four of us we were friends.
Yeah friends.
I know, I turned my back on you guys.
It was wrong.
I apologize.
But $50 million, is that right? Look, here's what I'm thinking.
I want you guys to come and work at the company.
There'll be a lot of great opportunities there.
Well, if you change your minds, you can give me a call.
What are bowling balls made of? (bossa nova playing) Someone to hold me tight It would be very nice Someone to love me right That would be very nice Someone to understand Instead of dreaming me Someone to take my hand To be a team with me So nice Life would be so nice If all day I'd find Someone who will take my hand And suffer through life with me Someone to cling to me Stay with me right or wrong Someone to sing to me Some little summer song Someone to take my heart And give his heart to me Someone who's ready to give love and start with me Oh, yeah That would be so nice I could see you and me That would be nice.
Ca-carol.
Hey.
Hey, you're the last person I expected to see over Ed.
Yeah? I need you to make a decision and I need you to make it right now.
Are you or are you not capable of being my friend? Just yes or no.
Have you ever been alone? What? Carol, you're smart you're funny, you're beautiful.
You're everything a guy could ask for in a girl.
So I'm wondering, have you ever been alone? I There was two weeks in the beginning of ninth grade I was alone.
Divorce papers from Liz.
Ow.
-Yeah.
Sorry.
-That's okay.
But when I sign these things I'll be alone.
No Liz, no Carol.
Just Ed.
Maybe I'm having a bit of a hard time getting used to that idea.
I'm sorry.
-It's okay.
But you know you don't have to be alone.
Why not? -Because you have Marie.
Marie? -The Fuzzy Navel girl.
Oh.
-No, no, no.
No, nothing happened.
Oh, really? -No, she wasn't my type.
Uh-huh, and why is that? -Because she was she was too she was full of schnapps, basically.
She was too full of schnapps.
-I see.
Besides, what do you care? -I don't care.
I think you do care.
-Oh, no, no, no, I don't care.
I think you care.
-I think you should shut up and sign your divorce papers is what I think.
Yeah.
(chuckles) (sighs) To friendship.
To friendship.