Ed (2000) s01e10 Episode Script

Losing Streak

1 ( knocking ) ( humming ) Hey! Hi, guys, come on in! Mom Dad.
( laughing ) Hey, Dad.
Come here, you skinny.
-Come on in, you guys.
Come on in.
How was the flight? Oh, don't ask.
I nearly died of embarrassment.
Why? I always pre-order the kosher meal because they have to make it special.
Right.
But this time, they didn't bring enough on the plane so they made me give my lunch to this Jewish guy.
Your father demanded that the man flip a coin for it.
Fair's fair, Natalie.
-Made him go two out of three.
Dad Sorry, I'm still getting unpacked here.
So, uh, what do you guys think? Not bad, Eddie, not bad.
But me, I loved your New York place.
I miss that view of the Chrysler Building.
Yeah, Dad, but, you know now I have my own backyard, my own garage, and the guy next door drives a Chrysler so I got a great view of that.
Oh, I got a lovely card from Liz.
Says she's moved to SoHo.
Sounds so bohemian, SoHo.
You talked to her? -No, actually, I don't.
Talk to her lawyer quite a bit, though.
Oh, please, you guys, have a seat.
What kind of rent they charging these days in Stuckeyville? Actually, Dad, I bought the place lock, stock and plastic upholstery covers.
What? -We thought you were just taking a break.
A break? DAD: You know? From your real life.
This is my real life.
( rhythm and guitar playing ) I'm in the sky tonight There I can keep by your side Watching the wide world right, and hidin' out I'll be comin' home next year.
l | P r i j e v o d i - O n l i n e | l MOLLY: So, how was your weekend? -Not bad.
How about you? I watched a lot of basketball.
-How come? The girls' JV basketball team needs a new coach.
You know, I think I might apply for the job.
Well, what happened to the old coach? -Oh, she quit.
Day after their 47th consecutive loss.
Wow! Yeah, it's a new school record.
Anyway, Coach Carlisle's talking about ending the JV program which won't exactly do wonders for the girls' self-esteem.
I think you should do that, Molly.
Yeah, yeah.
Plus, I have always wanted to yell "Hey! Hit the showers, you punks!" Hi.
PHIL: Chief? The kids stole the "T" again.
This just keeps getting funnier.
Molly Hudson? Oh, my Agnes Bushner! AGNES: It's been forever.
You look exactly the same.
Yeah, well, you know minus the Psychedelic Furs T-shirt.
Well, oh, um Carol, sweetie? Y-you remember Agnes We, we were classmates.
Oh, yeah.
Hi.
Agnes, how are you? -Fine.
You? Great, great.
It, it's really good to see you again.
Uh-huh.
Listen, uh, I'll be in town all week.
We have to get together.
I'll call you.
Okay.
Bye, Aggie! Bye.
Bye, Aggie ness.
What can I do for you, Phil? No, you're doing it, my man.
I just love watching you work.
It's poetry in motion.
I can never tell where the admiration leaves off and the condescension begins.
So, what's the story? The Feds finally busting this little dog and pony show? Close.
My parents are visiting.
I want them to see I'm running a serious law practice so I'm playing down this bowling alley thing.
"Surely you jest", he said, chuckling.
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
And Phil, I'd like to ask you a favor.
Want me to hide the bowling balls? No, I'd like you to to look, don't take this the wrong way.
When my parents get here, could you try to I mean, could you not that I don't like you the way you are.
Spit it out, Edward.
We're all friends here.
Could you try being a little less Phil.
( bowling pins crash ) What I mean by that No, no, no.
No, I read you loud and clear, senor.
Don't worry your pretty little head.
Really? That would be great.
I won't have to worry Uh-oh.
Here they come.
Oh, why don't you let me stash that away for you.
Oh, thanks, Phil.
No, thank you, Ed.
Hey! You guys.
Hi, honey.
Hi.
Welcome to the, uh, law offices of Edward J.
Stevens, Esquire.
Where? Right here.
My very own law office.
I didn't realize your office was actually inside the bowling alley.
Adjacent to the bowling alley, adjacent to the bowling alley.
Once you pass through this doorway you're no longer in a bowling alley.
You're in a law office.
I'm still in a bowling alley.
You're not looking at this the right way.
Think of it as a strip mall where there's, uh separate businesses sharing the same physical edifice.
My son works in a bowling alley.
Do your clients have to change their shoes before you meet with them? No, Mom, they don't.
Of all the withering looks I've gotten that was by far the most withering.
I thought my face was, was going to melt off like at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark where they open that, that box.
Ark.
Right.
Does this strike anyone else as just a tiny bit ironic? How so? Well, you know, head cheerleader Carol Vessey worrying about what nerdy little Agnes Bushner thinks of her? Come on, I was never anything but nice to her.
What? Nothing, I-I-I mean you were never outright mean to her.
But? But, y-you never went out of your way to be nice to people like her or us.
But I never even knew you guys back then.
That's just it.
Agnes never got a chance to get to know you the way that, that we do now.
So she still thinks of you the way she did in high school you know, the way we all did.
Which would be how, exactly? You know what, you have got to taste this shepherd's pie.
I this is shepherdlicious! Mmm! Mmm, mmm.
ED: Then I thought, "Wait a minute.
"Stuckeyville Stan's entire act can be considered his intellectual property, not just his tricks.
" He doesn't have to own the tricks; he owns the act.
That's pretty neat, huh? DAD: When we visited you last year in New York you were working on a $300 billion merger that changed the structure of the national economy.
To me, that was neat.
Yes, Dad, yes, but back then I was working for corporations.
Now I work for people.
Party clowns.
Magicians, actually.
Just one so far.
( knocking ) Excuse me.
Phil uh, Mom, Dad this is Phil.
Hi.
Hello.
-So nice to meet you.
Can I get you some coffee? Do you have some Sanka? -You bet.
Ed, there are some gentlemen waiting here to see you.
Shall I have them wait, or No, send them in.
Yeah.
Thank you Phil.
Um, Mom, Dad, why don't you, uh, stick around watch me help these clients? Send in the clowns.
( groans ) Third time this month kids.
They think this is funny.
Well, this ain't funny.
-Family Feud.
What? -Family Feud is funny.
I love it when they're playing the Feud and somebody guesses an answer, and their whole family starts shouting "Good answer! Good answer!" But then they get it wrong and Louie Anderson says something hilarious.
Louie Anderson is a genius.
I prefer The All-New Hollywood Squares.
Why? -I got a thing for Whoopie.
I'm Frank.
This is my buddy, Dave.
-Hi, Ed Stevens.
These are my parents.
You guys mind if they hang out while we talk? Are they cool? -You can trust them.
I have always been able to tell when people are cool.
It is like a gift.
And I can see that this man and this woman are cool.
Natalie, let's go.
ED: Dad, dad, please.
Just What can I do for you guys? -We got serious trouble.
You're being sued by Ted Schmidt former co-worker at Stuckeyville Container.
The box factory on the north side.
-We are box makers, by trade.
You see that box? -Yes.
We made that box.
-Is that right? -With giant machines.
ED: Okay.
So, why is this guy suing you? Well, things can get a little dull down at the plant, so, uh us guys started playing pranks on each other you know, just to make life more interesting.
Once I filled another man's shoes with nondairy whipped topping.
A good time was had by all.
ED: So, uh, this guy just got upset over a little prank? A big prank.
A very big prank.
This is the nicest "T" we've ever had.
I hope they don't steal it.
They won't.
I'm going to hide up here, catch them red-handed and drag them down to juvie.
You want to help? Okay.
Mols, Mols.
Have you signed up for that coaching job yet? No, not yet.
I was on my way down to the gym.
Hmm, how would you feel about letting me do it instead? You want to coach JV basketball.
Why? Because I have a basketball jones.
Our little run-in with Agnes Bushner really got to you, huh? Yeah, it did.
And I want to help those girls out.
Besides, why should you always get to be the champion of the underdog? I know you think I spent my high school years in top of the world, but the fact is I frequently felt like an underdog.
Okay, I-I'm sorry, sweetie, but you were not an underdog.
You, my friend, were an overdog.
An overdog? An overdog.
So, the prank? It's a little complicated.
May I? Absolutely, by all means.
Good evening.
Your Lotto Madness jackpot Please, take this lottery ticket.
WOMAN: $20 million.
Okay.
Now, pay attention.
WOMAN: Tonight's winning numbers are 34 ten 28 three 49 and 24.
Good luck.
This is a wi this is a winning ticket.
Oh, my God! Ed, hold on to that ticket! That ticket is yours.
You gave that ticket to my son.
It's his property.
Now run, run! Frank: Buddy, relax.
The tape is from last Wednesday.
But we bought the ticket on Friday using Wednesday's numbers.
I get it.
So the ticket's worthless.
So, Dad, you can sit down.
You see, this guy, Ted he's a lottery freak.
Yeah, man, he buys, like, 20 tickets a week.
It is his obsession.
FRANK: So, we put this ticket in his pile then when it was time for the drawing we slipped that tape into the VCR.
So he thought he won.
And I guess when he found out he didn't he got upset.
He just needs a couple of days to cool off.
There's a little bit more to it than that.
When Ted thought he'd become a millionaire he went nuts.
He quit his job, and he left his wife.
Ooh.
Now he's holding us responsible.
We did not mean to cause him pain.
Will you take the case? He's not taking the case.
What do you want me to do? Sit here and fiddle while Rome burns? I'll take the case.
Thank you.
( man clearing throat ) Excuse me.
Uh, is my son around? No, Mr.
Stevens, I'm afraid he stepped out.
Is there something I can help you with? Theater tickets? Dinner reservations? A very fun little Cajun place just opened up.
No.
No, thanks.
Okay, well I'll be sure and tell Ed you dropped by.
You have a good day, now.
Uh, listen, Phil You changed your mind about the Cajun.
Terrific.
They have popcorn shrimp that are to die for.
No.
We're concerned about our son.
One day he's in New York City, married on the fast track, the next day he's back here renting shoes.
I mean, it's like something stopped.
I wasn't going to say anything, but Yeah? I've been very worried myself.
Frankly I think he's lost it.
Do you have any idea what's behind this? Well there's the girl, of course.
What girl? Hasn't he told you about Carol Vessey? Who's Carol Vanessey? Oh, Mr.
Stevens.
Mr.
Dumford? Yeah? I'm Ed Stevens.
The attorney.
We spoke on the phone.
Uh-huh.
( clears throat ) I'm he■■re to ask u to give Ted Schmidt his job back.
I'm sorry.
I can't do that.
Look Mr.
Dumford, the only reason the guy quit was because he thought he won the lottery.
But if you let him come back to work, perhaps he'd drop his lawsuit against Frank and David.
Those guys have worked for you for a long time.
You'd really be helping them out of a jam.
Ted Schmidt didn't just quit.
He insulted me.
Oh I'm sure he I can forgive that but what I cannot, will not forgive is that he insulted this company and its products.
Well, I He looked me right in the face and he said, "Boxes who needs them?" Well, I don't And I will tell you who needs boxes, Mr.
Stevens.
We all do.
You would not want to live in a world without boxes.
You could not survive a day in such a world.
Oh, yeah, you think you could but you are wrong.
You must be the Stevens.
I'm Carol Vessey.
Oh, hello, Carol.
Please call me Alan.
Alan.
Hi.
I'm Natalie.
It's so nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you.
Thanks so much for having me to lunch.
Is, um, is Ed running late? Oh, Ed won't be joining us.
Oh.
Did something come up? Carol, dear what we discuss at this table has to stay between the three of us.
Okay? Okay.
Well, uh, Carol, I'll make things very simple.
Your relationship with our son is none of our business.
We don't care how or why you talked him into buying that bowling alley.
What? I-I-I Please, dear, just listen to Alan.
What will it take to get you to relinquish your hold on my son? My my hold? Uh, Natalie, could I have the checkbook? What? $500 if you can talk my son into moving back to New York.
Mr.
Stevens -$1.
000? Uh Okay, you know what? It-it-it's time for basketball practice and I'm going to get going now.
Thank you so much for having me to lunch.
Uh Can we get you something to go? Anything? -I can see cars.
For tonight, we should get night-vision giggles.
Like Silence of the Lambs.
Except we wouldn't be the killers.
Uh-huh.
I loved Jodie Foster in that.
She's tough yet feminine.
Clarice was the archetype for the modern female hero.
Intelligence and nonthreatening beauty combined with moderate physical strength and a strong but not unbreakable moral code.
Did you make that up? No, it was on TV Guide Channel.
That's a good channel.
( blowing whistle ) Okay, everybody, for those of you who don't know me I am Coach Vessey, and I am here to help you turn your season around.
You're the new coach? Yes.
So try to contain that enthusiasm, Jenny.
I'm just surprised that a former Miss Teen USA would want to bother with us.
Well, I was never Miss Teen USA.
Oh.
I guess it's just a rumor.
Well, rumor aside, um I am here because you are a great group of girls and you deserve to know what it feels like to win a game or two.
So everybody on your feet.
Let's go.
( blowing whistle ) Come on.
Everybody up.
( blowing whistle ) We're going to start with a little basket-making.
Basket-making? Yeah.
Yeah, basket-making.
Um Are the baskets always that high? Uh, they stopped lowering them for us last month.
Okay so for now we'll work on, uh, ball-throwing.
Everybody get into pairs and each-each pair takes a ball.
We've only got one ball.
Um One ball? One ball's not a problem.
We are going to take turns bouncing this ball and whoever bounces the ball highest wins a Fruit Roll-up.
So, I'm going to go first.
Okay.
Um Calisthenics.
Let's go.
Everybody, now.
No, I'm afraid I can't let you bowl with that it's too bouncy.
I need to know everything there is to know about basketball and I need to know it by tomorrow.
I'm going to give you guys the most basic building block of basketball strategy: the pick-and-roll.
Invented in 1894 by Herbert Pick and Alfred Roll.
Really? No.
Okay, teach me, teach me.
-All right, okay, okay.
To start off, you gals guard Mike and I, all right? Nancy, you guard Mike.
Carol, you guard me.
All right, now All right, now, step one, okay? Step one Mike steps up and sets what's called a "pick.
" There it is.
Step two I drive to the basket thereby forcing Nancy to switch Oh, oh.
-from guarding Mike to guarding me.
When this occurs you go to step three Mike rolls.
I hit him with the pass.
Mike scores.
We go home heroes! Carol: Yeah! Okay, that's really sneaky.
I like it.
Now you try it.
You try it.
Let's go, buddy.
That's allowed.
That's called a "basketball pat" it's allowed.
I see.
I even called you "buddy.
" All right, let's go.
Pick-and-roll.
Okay, okay.
WOMAN ( on TV ): 49 and 24.
Good luck.
TED: Oh, my God Oh, my■■ God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I've just won the lottery! I just won the lottery.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I just won $20 million! $20 million! Mill ion! ( laughing ) You know what, Mr.
Dumford? I am out of here! You're quitting? Am I quitting? Mr.
Dumford Art, you can kiss my $20 million on the way out the door.
MAN: Dude, wait You know why I'm quitting? 'Cause you suck.
Because this company sucks! Because boxes suck! Who even needs boxes anyway? I repeat: they suck! Mr.
Zelter, would you care to tell the court what happened next? Well, he ran off before I could tell him the truth.
Then he went home and told his wife he was leaving her.
Why did you and Mr.
Gersky play this silly prank on Mr.
Schmidt? You know, for laughs.
We're always playing jokes on each other down there.
Last week Jim Stackhouse put a live ferret in Arnie Scaputo's locker.
That was hilarious.
Did you have any reasonable expectation that Mr.
Schmidt on thinking that he won the lottery would suddenly up and quit and leave his wife? No, sir.
In fact when Mr.
Schmidt began unexpectedly telling his boss Mr.
Dumford that he might quit his job what did you do? That was me rushing in, saying, "Dude, dude wait, dude.
" Thank you.
Okay, Susan, you're going to set the pick on Sabrina.
That means Laura, you've got to guard Jenny.
There you go.
Now, Jenny, roll out to the basket, Susan.
Roll out.
Jenny, pass to her.
There you go.
There you go.
Yes! That's it! That is a pick-and-roll.
( all cheering ) You testified that you and Mr.
Gersky had no idea that my client Mr.
Schmidt would behave the way he did.
Is that right? That's right.
Ever hear him complain about his job? Well, yeah, but we all moan -In fact, when he sat down every week to watch those lotto drawings didn't he ever say something to the effect, uh "If I win, I'm moving to some desert island" or "Hey, take a good look at me, boys.
"When one of these tickets cashes in I'm leaving this rat hole"? Well, yeah, but that was just talk.
Really? Turned out not to be just talk didn't it? Hello.
Little spin.
Oh! Good-bye! I like that.
I'm going to teach that to the girls.
That little spin and the pick-and-roll have won many a basketball game, my friend.
Ed, you should have seen the girls today.
They were picking, and they were rolling and they were laughing, and I know this sounds really corny but it's like they were brand-new people all of a sudden.
That's great.
You know, you're really doing some good there.
Yeah.
And I think that there's something I have to tell you.
Oh, Carol, I already know about your attraction for me.
Just let's quit torturing ourselves and let's start doing it already.
It's about your parents.
What about my parents? -They had lunch with me.
They had lunch with you? Actually, they wanted me to try to convince you to go back to New York.
What? They offered me $1.
000.
-What?! -I just wanted you to know.
You know I-I give up.
You know, I'm just I'm going to ask them to leave.
-No, no, no.
Ed, don't do that.
Why should I not do that? They obviously think their son's a loser.
I saw them in court today.
They were looking at me like my life's some kind of joke.
They liked me back in New York the wife and the big job at a prestigious New York City law firm handling million-dollar clients, and now now they they just don't get it.
Do you think your life was better back then? Well, uh, maybe maybe it was on paper, but "But" Back then I never got to play basketball on a weekday afternoon.
Ha! Whoo! Nice shot! Buddy! ( laughing ) I don't know how they got it again.
We were only gone a little while.
Once again, we are "Suckey Bowl.
" I think the thieves are masters of deception not unlike illusionist David Copperfield.
Once I saw him turn a fat guy into a pony.
He's a real showman.
Uh there you go.
Thanks, boss.
There he is.
Hey, hey, you guys can I talk to you two for a minute? Sure.
Of course.
Okay.
So far, I've been very patient with the two of you, but this time, you have gone too far.
-Honey, you seem upset.
Seem upset seem upset? Ma, are you kidding me? Don't speak to your mother that way.
Sorry.
Look, are either of you going to tell me about your lunch with Carol Vessey? We didn't have lunch with Carol Vessey.
Alan.
Natalie, he may be bluffing.
Dad, you offered her $1,000 to convince me to move back to New York City.
Do you have any idea how humiliating that is? Ed, now listen to me.
When we came here, we were worried about you.
We're parents.
We're allowed.
So, we we poked around a little.
I'm sorry.
The truth is, we learned something.
We learned that you're happy here.
I watched you in court today and I saw a certain look in your eye I never saw when you worked with that Wall Street firm.
What your father's trying to say, dear is now we know that you're in the right place.
You're where you should be.
Really? Really.
So, we're headed back for Florida.
What? When? We're leaving for the airport now.
Now why so soon? Our work here is done.
Good-bye, son.
Good-bye, darling.
Bye, Dad.
Bye, Mom.
( mumbling ) Hi.
In honor of your complete mastery of the pick-and-roll I have good news and I have great news.
First, the good news.
My cousin works at Shirt Palace over at the mall cut me a deal on these: new uniforms.
Names on the back, numbers, the works.
Oh, my gosh.
They're awesome.
What's the great news? I challenged the varsity girls team to a scrimmage.
What? It's going to be it's going to be great.
You have a chance to play in a real game at night with a scoreboard and a gym full of fans.
Miss Vessey, I think you're glossing over a basic fact here which is that the varsity girls, they're going to kick our Where's your pride? Do you know what their coach said to me? He said we probably wouldn't even hit double digits.
We probably won't hit double digits.
Listen We're going to play this game.
Because it's not about the game.
It's about not getting pushed around anymore.
It's about not being treated like losers.
Because you're not losers.
It's about going out there and showing the world that you are not losers on the court and off.
And win or lose, Friday night that is just what we're going to do.
Did you just make that up? Yes.
Yes, I did.
It was pretty good.
ED: Mr.
Schmidt, you testified that this prank ruined your life.
Yes, it did.
I was happy, I had a solid job, wife Now, I have nothing.
Help me with something.
Your attorney, Mr.
Murphy he keeps claiming that my client should have reasonably expected that winning the lottery caused you to quit your job, leave your wife you're always grumbling about how miserable your life was I'm confused.
Which was it, Mr.
Schmidt? Were you happy with your life or were you unhappy? You don't have to look to your attorney.
Your Honor, I would like to submit in evidence Mr.
Schmidt's last five employee performance reports.
Your last one states, in part "Ted is habitually late "and calls in sick more than any other employee "in the department.
"His attitude is terrible, and, as a result his overall job performance leaves much to be desired.
" That doesn't sound like a happy guy who loves his job.
Hey, it was just a job.
Yes, Mr.
Schmidt it's just a job.
Mr.
Schmidt's financial records for the past several years, Your Honor in which I notice that you've written several checks to Dr.
Rachel Garner over the last year and a half.
What kind of doctor is she? She's a psychologist.
Specializing in? -Marriage counseling.
So, happy marriage Hey, we're working on it.
You're working on it, except I have here your personal American Express bill which shows several charges to the Stadium Motor Lodge which happens to be less than five miles from your house.
Ted, were you going there with your wife? Objection.
-Overruled.
Answer the question, Mr.
Schmidt.
No, I was seeing someone.
I'm very sorry your perfect life was ruined.
Objection.
Withdrawn.
Ah Mom, Dad.
What are you guys doing here? Was the flight canceled? Come inside, Ed.
Is everything okay? Follow me to the living room.
Hello.
Hi, Ed, sit down and make yourself comfortable.
George, right? It's been a while, huh? You know, you look more and more like your pop.
Thanks I guess.
Would you like some coffee or a menthol cigarette? No, thanks.
Phil what-what are you doing here? Sir do I know you? Oh, this is Godfrey.
He's my sponsor.
No, thanks.
Someone like to tell me what's what's going on? Ed life is like a footpath through a dark African jungle.
As long as you stick to the path, you're okay.
But it's very tempting to wonder or stray.
Look over there.
Colorful bird.
Over there a fragrant plant life.
When I was your age I walked off my path.
You name it, I did it.
Booze, gambling, smank.
But I lived to tell the story thanks to friends and family like we have here.
We love you, Ed.
What is this? An intervention.
KENNY: We have to chase these kids.
Don't worry.
I'm a big man, but I'm also quick.
I once caught a live chicken with my bare hands like Rocky Balboa.
I've got a question.
Yeah.
If you took a hamburger, and put it in a blender and blended it up so it became like a hamburger sauce and then you took that hamburger sauce and put it onto another hamburger would that hamburger then have double the hamburger flavor of a regular hamburger? No.
It would be just like eating two hamburgers.
But it's not two hamburgers.
It's one hamburger with hamburger sauce on top.
You should send that in to Readers Digest.
You might be fooling the rest of them, but you're not fooling me.
People like us we're the best liars in the world 'cause we get so much practice lying to ourselves.
You're having a nervous breakdown! If you're going to ride, don't ride the white horse.
All right, enough! Enough! What is with you people? Just leave me alone.
There's nothing wrong with me.
Dad! Oh, look, um, I'd like to have a private talk with my son.
Would you mind going into the kitchen and have some cold cuts? Look, Ed, I'm sorry.
Maybe I maybe I took things a little too far.
Yeah, I would say so.
Sometimes I go overboard when I'm trying to make a point.
If your point is you're disappointed and unhappy with the way I'm living my life trust me, your point's been made.
I just didn't want to see you make the same mistake that I made.
Dad When you were about five years old I was a junior manager at the drapery plant.
One day I got a call I know the story, Dad.
I know the story.
They said they wanted to make you a vice president and move you down to Dallas and Mom hated it there so you turned it down and stayed in Stuckeyville.
I No, no, no, no.
That's not quit true, Ed.
Your mother was fine about Dallas.
I turned it down, because I was afraid.
Afraid to go down there and get the crap kicked out of me and come hauling back to Stuckeyville.
The best opportunity of my career and I let it go.
Now, I look at you and I see a guy who's been thrown off a horse and is too scared to get back up.
But if you don't you'll never know what you could have achieved.
to play a prank and stole the stop sign from the intersection of Main and Maple? Whoops! Somebody gets killed.
Sorry.
Just a prank.
Would I be held responsible? Of course, I would.
In our society people are responsible for their actions.
Your Honor, this prank ruined this man's life.
I ask that you hold these men responsible for their actions.
Thank you.
ED: Your Honor, two important points: One: yes, stealing stop signs could make one reasonably expect that there will be a crash but my clients could never reasonably expect Ted Schmidt would alter his life so dramatically which brings me to point two.
If I may, let me tell you a little bit about myself.
I sympathize with Ted Schmidt.
I really do.
I used to be a lot like him.
I was just cruising through life.
I had a wife, a job in a prestigious New York City law firm and then one day I was fired and I came home and I found my wife sleeping with the mailman.
That was no prank.
Let me tell you something.
For some people, no matter how it comes about having their life changed may be the best thing that ever happens to them.
Ted Schmidt is seeking damages.
Well, there are no damages because Ted Schmidt is much better off now than he ever was before.
He hated his job.
His marriage was in shambles and these are the reasons that he decided to change his life.
The lottery ticket the lottery ticket just gave him the courage to do so.
Thank you.
Everybody's going to the basketball game tonight.
The kids who steal the "T" will probably be there, too.
If the kids are at the game, then we could go to the game without putting the "T" in jeopardy.
We can fasten it down extra tight just in case.
Let's get the tools.
I feel like this experience has brought us closer together.
I disagree.
Supposing I accept Mr.
Stevens' claim that Ted Schmidt is better off now than he was before.
Can I then conclude that there are no damages? -No.
However, damages or no damages I'm convinced that the defendants could not have reasonably expected Mr.
Schmidt's reaction to their prank.
I therefore find for the defendants Frank Zelter and Dave Gersky.
Thanks, Ed.
-You're welcome, Frank.
Congratulations, honey.
-Thank you.
-That was pretty good.
Thanks, Dad.
( crowd cheering ) Looks like your girls forgot to show up.
Oh, they're coming, Bob.
ED: ( echoing ): Ladies and gentlemen, please put your hands together for the women's J.
V.
basketball team your Stuckeyville Toreadors! ( cheering ) ( whistle blowing ) ( cheering ) Way to go! Way to go! This baby's not going anywhere now.
-Where'd you learn how to do that? In the joint.
Come on.
The game's already started.
Let's go.
Oh That's a foul! That's a foul! Time-out! Time-out! Time-out! Time-out! -Wait, wait.
What are you doing calling a time-out with six seconds left? We are ahead by 60 points.
What's the point? The point is we have the ball there are six seconds on the clock and we are going to score double digits and there's not a damn thing you can do about it.
-Is that right? Well, we'll see about that.
Starters, in.
We're not going to let them score.
-Come on, girls! Come on in.
Come on in for the huddle.
Come on, girls, huddle around.
Come on in.
Okay, this is what we're going to do.
All right, Kate, Diane, Cara, the three of you pull off to one side.
It's going to be Jenny and Susan.
You know what to do.
Pick-and-roll? Pick-and-roll, right.
Wouldn't this be a good time for another one of those speeches? I believe in you guys.
-That's it? Win one for the Gipper.
That's good.
-Okay.
All right.
Go team! All right, get out there! Let's see it! Let's see it! I've paid my dues Time after time I've done my sentence But committed no crime And bad mistakes I've made a few I've had my share of sand kicked in my face But I came through And we need to go on and on and on and on We are the champions, my friends And we'll keep on fighting to the end We are the champions We are the champions No time for losers 'Cause we are the champions of the world.
( laughs ) That was the greatest 58-point loss in the history of sport.
Mm.
Look at 'em.
Wow.
Woo-hoo! Ten points! Ten points! All: Whoo! Whoo! One-zero spells double team points.
That's right.
That's right, Kenny.
Hey, Ma.
There he is.
-Hey, Dad, you got a minute? Sure.
-I'll go inside.
Come on.
-That was quite a job on the microphone.
I never knew you had such a powerful voice.
-Thanks, thanks.
Look, Dad, I want to say thank you for coming down here to help me.
Well, I'm not sure we succeeded.
Dad, remember how you said you were afraid of taking the risk of going down to Dallas? Yeah.
-Well, for me taking the risk was coming back down here and doing all of this.
Staying in New York with the big job that would have been the safe road.
Couldn't you at least build a separate entrance for the law practice so it's not literally right inside the bowling alley? -No, Dad I really can't.
But, hey, look on the bright side you know, for the rest of your life you're going to get to bowl for free.
( both laugh ) That's something.
-That's something.
Shoes you'll have to pay for.
-Yeah, well I'm kidding.
I'm kidding!