Ed (2000) s03e20 Episode Script

Second Chances

1 Come on, Carol.
FRANKIE: Knock 'em down, Carol.
Vessey! Vessey! -You suck! -Oh, Mike.
It's men versus women, Nance.
I want her to fail.
Oh! All right, that's it.
That's it.
You know, enough.
That's enough! Enough what? Enough.
I've owned the bowling alley for what, three years now? You've been here a hundred times and you still bowl like an analogy, please! A pelican.
Rod Steiger.
I can't think this fast.
Come here, all right.
This thing here? Yes.
This is the ball.
The ball is your friend, all right? Now when you release the ball you release it with a nice smooth motion.
Stand here.
You focus on the pins.
You watch the pins.
Throw a little style in there.
Confident, style.
Whoo! Oh, yeah! Did you see? Did you see? ( kisses ) ED: You do realize that was a four.
Shirley, six hot dogs, please.
That'll be $4.
Shirley, we've been through this.
Okay, this is my snack bar.
If I pay, the money just comes back to me.
That's just that's That's just Hey, uh, say, Edward? Say, Michael? How much do you think Frankie knows about you and Carol? Well, she knows we were friends.
And I think she may have gathered there was something between us at one point.
You ever taken her through the saga? Saga of what? The never-ending series of clownish attempts to woo Carol Vessey.
No, why? 'Cause I smell trouble in the air.
What are you talking about, sport? When you were over there doing your little giggly, flirty thing with Carol I wasn't-I wasn't being I wasn't being flirty.
I was just merely teaching the woman how to bowl.
Frankie was giving you the look of death.
She was? Yeah, totally.
It was like this: That's just your normal expression.
I'm no Sir Alec Guinness, okay, buddy.
Just trust me, it was the look of death.
That doesn't make any sense.
Carol and Frankie get along fine.
Well, if I were you, I'd be on Orange Alert.
I'm in the sky tonight There I can keep by your side Watchin' the wide world right, and hidin' out I'll be comin' home next year.
Hey, look at this ad.
"Be a better lover.
" What is it, a video? -Yeah.
They say if you watch it and study carefully, your lovemaking skill can increase by up to 500%.
You're not going to order that.
Well, Ed, I'd kind of like to be a better lover.
What, don't tell me Nancy's been complaining? No.
All right, then, I'm sure you're simply a fantastic lover.
But I'm probably average.
Even maybe a little worse.
It's hard to have a point of comparison.
-Is it? -Hey, Ed.
Hey, Frankie.
-I'm thinking of making clam chowder tonight.
Oh, boy, that sounds great.
-Would you prefer red or white? Is there a correct answer? -Of course.
-White? -Good man.
See that? Typical Frankie-Ed interaction.
Doesn't seem upset with me at all.
So whatever you think you saw last night when I was teaching Carol how to bowl must've just blown over.
I wonder if there's naked ladies on this thing.
So, I-I made a list of potential first guests for my interview show.
Okay, let's hear it.
All right, Sean Connery, Tiger Woods, Tom Hanks, President Bush, Meryl Streep and Pat Sajak.
Warren, you realize that none of those people are going to do an interview show that broadcasts to 750 high school students.
Uh, Miss Vessey, do you realize that I got Sean Connery's publicist on the phone today and she said he totally would do it if he didn't have scheduling conflicts? Yes, I'm sure MOLLY ( on P.
): Miss Vessey, please report to the principal's office immediately.
Miss Vessey, to the principal's office.
Oh, man, ooh You're in trouble.
I should probably go, Warren.
I think so.
Good luck.
And good luck to you.
That sounded pretty offic ( Molly laughing ) I-I, uh, can wait outside.
No, no, no.
No, Carol, come in.
Um, I-I want you to meet our new history teacher, Mr.
Jamie Decker.
Carol Vessey.
MOLLY: I was just finishing up a meeting with Jamie and I thought you should come down and meet him.
Because he-he's very interested in getting involved in some extracurricular activities and I thought what better way for him to get his feet wet than to help you with the TV station.
Because I need help so much with the TV station.
Well, I should tell you up front I don't know anything about television.
You're hired.
( laughs ) Just meet me tomorrow morning in the A.
Well, thank you.
Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you.
And thank you, Principal Hudson.
Oh, no Molly.
( door closes ) That was such a gross abuse of power.
I know.
( giggles ) Excuse me.
Eli Goggins around? Well, we do have an Eli working here but I have never really focused on his last name.
It may or may not be Goggins.
I thought it was Whitney.
Eli Whitney invented the cotton gin.
There you are.
Sandy, what is your futon-sized doing in here? I need your help.
I know you not serious.
The restaurant's in trouble.
Oh, well.
It's not my restaurant so it's not my problem anymore, now is it? Eli, I'm this close to shutting down.
I just thought maybe you could come by, you know, take a look, give me some advice.
You want some advice? Stop thinking of ranch dressing as a beverage and maybe you'll shave a few cubic yards off them hindquarters of yours.
Come on, what do you got to be like that for? You know why I'm being like that, man.
Now take your unholy caboose and get out my bowling alley.
You know what? I may have a gigantic but at least I'm loyal to my friends.
Yeah, like the you are.
That's telling him, Whitney.
Everything okay? Nah, it's all under control, man.
I got this.
ED: So, how am I doing? How are you doing with what? You know, with my post-coital embrace.
Ew, I hate that word.
What's wrong with coital? Please don't say it again.
How about coitus? Ed.
Coaxial cable? Not even crazy about that.
Ed, can I ask you a question? You can ask me a question, sure.
What's your history with Carol? I thought Carol Channing was absolutely brilliant in Hello Dolly.
After that, I'm not so sure that she Ed.
What do you want to know? Well, did you ever date her? No Do you mind if I go to the kitchen and have some more pie? Ed.
Yeah? I'm a lawyer.
You can either tell me the story, or I'll beat it out of you question by question all night long.
( laughs ): All right, okay.
All right, look, ( chuckles ) three years ago, I was fired from my job, I came home to my apartment, found my wife sleeping with a mailman.
Yes, I know your wife slept with the mailman.
Not "the" mailman.
It was "a" mailman.
He just happened to be one.
Yeah, yeah, go on.
So, there I am, I'm in the apartment and I'm in this insane state of mind.
I'm going through my yearbook, I come across a picture of Carol Vessey.
So, I go back to Stuckeyville and in this insane state of mind legally insane, really I asked her out.
So, what happened? Nothing.
Nothing happened.
I asked her out, she turned me down.
Somehow we ended up being friends and we enjoyed a big, long hard laugh over the whole thing.
So you're just friends? Just friends.
And yet four months ago, you got on the back of a horse and tried to break up her wedding.
All right, listen, I need you to bowl a good game today, Jolene.
Lord came and spoke to me last night and he said if somebody bowls a 300, he's going to let me walk again.
Eli's counting on you, baby.
( laughs ): Thanks, Eli.
All right now.
Hey, Jolene.
Hey, Ed.
So I paid a little visit to Captain Eli's Fish 'n' Chips this morning.
Yeah, for what? Just curious.
Talked to your old pal Sandy Buckman.
Seemed like a good guy.
Yo, let me tell you about your man Sandy Buckman.
When I had my accident, I had to sell Captain Eli's.
He came and offered me, like, half of what it was worth 'cause he knew I needed the money.
He shaked me, man.
That's not the way he tells it.
He says you thought the price was fair.
And not only that, he doesn't understand why you don't come around anymore.
They miss you over there.
Yo, they full of crap, Stuckeyboss.
You sure he's the one? 'Cause I'll tell you something, Eli, if it were me and I had to sell this place, and some other guy was strutting around like he's the king of Stuckey Bowl, I'd find a reason to hate him.
Captain Eli's was my Stuckey Bowl, man.
Then you should save it.
( closes drawer ) I'm going to powder my nose.
What, going to the bathroom? Ten bucks if you do the old bathroom classic.
Come on.
Ten bucks, Mike.
( laughs ): Yeah.
So, Carol, your ears must have been burning last night.
Why is that? Ed told me the whole story about how he came back to Stuckeyville, tracked you down and asked you out.
That was so long ago.
God, what were you thinking when some guy from high school you didn't even know just showed up out of the blue? I wasn't really sure what to think.
Well, I'll tell you what I'd be thinking: cuckoo, cuckoo.
( laughing ) Yeah.
I, maybe a little.
MOLLY: Yeah, showing up out of the blue.
That-that's regular cuckoo.
I think-I think delivering you flowers in the middle of your class while wearing a knight suit that gets you into the cuckoo Hall of Fame.
( laughs ) Right, the knight suit.
That's pretty crazy.
( opening zipper ) ( clears throat ) That's a beautiful shirt.
( laughing ) And don't forget about the skywriting.
Oh, my How did he do that? Oh, oh, how about-how about the homemade video? Oh! With the inflatable pink guitar! Yes, yes.
Dancing around to all the songs.
( laughing ) I know What's what's so funny? Oh we were just laughing about all the Ed-Carol stories.
You know, the knight suit the homemade video, the throwing waffles at Carol's window.
The-the skywriting.
NANCY: Oh, dear, sweet Ed.
You know, I always knew there'd be a day when we sit around and laugh at that stuff.
Here's to Ed.
( Molly laughing ) CAROL: Here you go, Frankie.
Excuse me.
MOLLY: The ice skates.
CAROL: He took me ice skating.
Oh, he was so funny with that one.
Do you want to talk about it? Talk about what? You know, "it.
" There's nothing to talk about.
You lied to me.
I didn't lie to you.
Yes, you did.
Last night, I asked you to tell me about you and Carol, and you didn't say anything about the knight suit, or the video, or the waffles.
You lied to me.
That's not a lie.
That's omission.
No difference.
Yeah, well, there's a big there's a big difference.
For example, a lie: "Tell me what you did on the night of the 24th.
" "I didn't murder the butler.
" An omission: "Tell me what you did on the night of the 24th.
" "I ate some candy.
" Just because you ate some candy doesn't mean you didn't necessarily kill the butler, you know? It's, uh Look, Frankie, listen, hey.
Carol and I, we've been friends for a long time.
What are we supposed to do, just stop? That'd be great.
That doesn't seem realistic.
Neither does going out with someone and having a relationship like the one you have with Carol.
Welcome to Stuckeyville High School's first-ever Warren P.
Cheswick Interview Special.
I am thrilled and delighted to have our first guest here on the program.
Ladies and gentlemen, a legend in the truest sense of the word, please join me in welcoming Stuckeyville High School's metal shop teacher, Mr.
Bill Woslouis.
Welcome, sir.
How you doin'? Mr.
Woslouis, you've been a metal shop teacher here at Stuckeyville High School for 17 years.
What's changed? Six years ago, we got a new soldering gun.
Well, what do you think? I think this is very compelling television.
Yes, it is.
WARREN: indeed.
What does Bill Woslouis do for fun? I like making chili.
( both stifling laughter ) Where is that going to air, exactly? Oh, uh, the cafeteria and the school Web site.
Well, thank you for letting me help.
Oh, no, thank you.
Well, bye.
Do you ever eat? I do, sometimes, yes.
I eat.
Okay, that was a stupid question, but, not to be too forward, but I don't know a single soul in this town.
Would you like to get a bite sometime? W-When? I'm free tonight and every night thereafter.
Do you know where the Smiling Goat is? Yeah, I've passed it.
Okay, 7:00? I'm in.
I-I figured we were going to spend the next several hours being really angry and upset, with this pitty feeling in our stomachs, and after that, we'd make up anyway, so rather then waste all that time being miserable, I figured I'd just cut to the chase and get to the making up part right away.
You know what concerns me? What's that? ( slams book shut ) I actually understood that.
( cheesy science fiction sound effects playing ) FRANKIE: My goodness.
What have they done to this place? ( sighs ) Welcome to Captain Eli's Fish n' Chips.
( clears throat ) The year's 2131.
Earth is in ruin.
Civilization as we know it is dead.
But Fish n' Chips lives on and it's crispier and tastier than ever.
Please, order by number.
ELI: Alvin what do you have on? What's going on here? It's the future, yo.
Sandy! Sandy! Eli! You came.
Come on, man.
Tell me you just playing, man.
You did this this morning, right? This just a joke.
You just messing with old Eli.
No this is the direction I decided to go.
Why? People like the future.
Dude, what does the future have to do with fish and chips? What does a clown got to do with hamburgers? Just trying to freshen the place up, you know? What is that smell? Smell like George Jetson climbed on the table and died.
Gotta throw out some bad tartar sauce, man, sorry.
( gagging ) Aw, come on, man, let's go, man.
Come on, let's hang out, maybe get the tour.
Sandy, check the place out.
What do you think? Look, I told you.
I'm ready to leave.
I can't stand the sight of this place, man.
ED: Well, that's why we gotta fix it right, Frankie? Yes oh! Sorry.
( all gagging ) I'm having trouble breathing.
Let's take a look.
( laughs ): Wait, I'm not sure I'm following this.
I'm telling you, you're looking at a guy who for one night was the Philly Fanatic.
( laughing ) Hey.
( chuckles ) Ja Oh! Uh, Jamie Decker, a new teacher at the school, Ed Stevenson, Frankie Hector.
Hey, Jamie.
Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you.
We're going to get something to eat.
( clears throat ): Nice to meet you, Jamie.
Yeah, nice to meet you.
Good night.
Good seeing you guys.
Okay, okay, what's this? ( imitates plane crashing ) I don't know.
What is that? That's tonight.
Starting with the appetizer, then the main course, and then the Philly Fanatics story, and then.
( imitates plane crashing ) that guy came to the table.
Let me guess old boyfriend? Um just an old friend.
Well, nonetheless, I had a great time.
I did, too.
( chuckles ) ( chuckles ) So, how about how about maybe next Saturday we get together and catch a movie or something? Yeah.
I will, um, check my schedule and get back to you on that.
You got it.
( theme music playing loudly ) ( turns volume down ) Congratulations on having purchased Macalister's Guide to Sexual Perfection.
I'm Larry Macalister.
What you are about to see is unlike any other sexual instruction product on the market today.
I'm not going to waste your time with the same old nonsense about massage oils and scented candles and pelvic exercises.
Instead, I will tell you precisely what to do with whatever God saw fit to give you.
So, let's begin.
Please, drop your pants and open your workbook to page 13.
This is awesome.
( knocking ) It's open.
What's going on? Are you okay? I'm about 10.
000 light-years away from "okay.
" What happened? Was Jamie a jerk? No, no, he's really nice.
Well, then, what? Is he gay? Is he married? Is he married and gay? Is he married to a gay, married, gay guy? No, he's perfect.
He's perfect for me.
Yeah? Not interested.
Oh, my God, you're kidding me.
It's this again? What, you can't be into a guy because he's what, too good for you? That's not it.
So, what's the problem? I want Ed.
Ed's really happy.
Frankie's great.
I can't just Okay, Carol.
It seems to me like the only reason that you suddenly want Ed is because you see him slipping away.
No, no, I have always wanted him.
Ever since the beginning, I just wasn't ready.
And now I am.
Okay, maybe it took Frankie to make me see it but now I do see it and I want him.
I want him, for real, and I want him for good.
'Cause you know you've had a tendency to be a bit flaky in the past.
I love him, Molly.
Well, then you got to go for it.
( heavy breathing ) Michael Roger Burton, what was that? Man need only understand that lovemaking is a delicate dance between the soul and the flesh.
( sighing ) Honey, I got to tell you.
I thought last night was just a fluke, but then again this morning.
( laughing ) Kaboom.
Well, I'm going to head down and get some waffles.
Whoa, wait a minute.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
What? Can we do it again? Oh, Nance it kind of takes a while to do it like that and I have to get Please? All right.
The Sultan of Seduction grants your request.
All right.
This is disgusting.
Where is it? Where is what? Sandy, don't play possum with me, man.
Where's my secret recipe? That's the recipe.
Alvin, look me in my eye and tell me this is my secret recipe.
We lost it.
You lost my secret recipe? I think it might have disintegrated.
Give me a pencil and a paper so I can write this down so you guys will know what you're doing.
ED: How's it going, Captain? What are you guys doing here? My posse and I decided you might need a little help fixing this place up.
White guy can have a posse, right? Hey, Carol, I think there might be some more of Eli's old stuff behind those plates.
Here, I'll hand them back to you.
Thank you.
Hey, was that a date I saw you on the other night? It, uh, it sort of turned into a first date, yeah.
How was it? He was nice.
Yeah? What? What? You got something You got something to tell me? Tell me.
You can tell me anything, you know that.
Can I? Yeah, of course.
Oh, is it this new You like the new guy, don't you? Well You sleep with him on the first date? No.
Good, 'cause I think this "you can tell me anything" might have its limits.
( chuckling ) Oh Hey.
I get it.
I know what you're thinking.
It gets a little weird when one of us has to tell the other about a new boyfriend, girlfriend.
But if you're thinking that this guy might turn into something, I can handle that.
Yeah, I can handle that.
-That was it, right? Was that it? I was right? You got me.
-Ha, I knew it.
Let me optimize the lighting.
-Hey, Eli, get out here.
I'm on my way, man.
Let me finish up this batter.
Come on, man.
You got to see the finished product.
For ALL: He's a jolly good Captain Eli For he's a jolly good Captain Eli For he's a jolly good Captain Eli Which nobody can deny! ( cheering ) Speech! Speech! Speech, Captain Eli, speech.
Thanks for everything.
Because it's not enough.
After all this time, after all the crazy, amazing, romantic things that he's done for me, I can't just corner the man at a fish and chips joint and tell him that I love him.
I have to do something, something big, something awesome, something Ed-like.
So what are you going to do? I have been working on this all afternoon.
Carol Come on.
Just watch it.
Tell me what you think.
Good evening, I'm Carol Vessey and tonight it is my pleasure to welcome our first guest, Stuckeyville High School English teacher Carol Vessey.
Thank you, Carol.
I'm delighted to be here.
Let's just jump right on in, why don't we? Tell us, how do you feel about Ed Stevens? Uh I would prefer not to discuss that.
Why is the topic of Ed Stevens so hard for you? Because I've been a complete and total idiot about him.
What does that mean? Missing my opportunity to be with Ed Stevens is well, it's the biggest mistake of my life.
Ah, you've always been afraid you'd screw things up, hmm? Terrified.
And why aren't you afraid now, Carol? Oh, I still am.
But now that Ed is with Frankie I realize that there's something scarier than thought of being with him.
The thought of losing him.
One last question, Carol.
Do you think what you're doing is fair to Ed and Frankie? No.
Then why are you doing it? Because I have to.
( vehicle approaching ) ( laughing ) All right, I'll see you later.
Ed! Carol, hey.
What's going on? I was looking for a videotape.
I think I might have left it here.
Yeah, the videotape Okay, well, there was a videotape on my desk.
I was just about to watch it.
No, no, no, you don't want to do that.
What the heck? Why not? What's on it? Um nothing that would interest you.
Come on.
What is it? Is it something? Nothing.
Is that Dr.
Macalister's Guide to Sexual Perfection? What? Come on.
Let me just see what it is.
Let me see Come on.
Tell me.
What is it? If you must know it's this week's American Idol.
What? You watch that? I do.
I do, I watch it.
I-I started watching it ironically, and now I really, I care about who wins and they've just brainwashed me, those crazy sons of.
( laughing ) Everything all right? I-I should get going.
See ya.
Eli, whatcha doing? Hey, what's up, man? Just sitting here waiting for tomorrow.
Waiting on tomorrow? Yeah.
Hey, listen, you kind of left in a hurry there today.
Yeah, I'm sorry about that, man.
That was rude of me.
No, no no, not at all.
It's just I have to say, Eli, from the moment we met, I've never seen you down like this.
Yeah, right? Y'all like having Inspiration Wheelchair Dude around, right? But God forbid he stop smiling.
Things get depressing real fast, don't they? No, Eli, I didn't mean it like that.
Nah, nah, it's cool, man.
It's cool.
Listen that must've been tough having your old life shoved back in your face like that.
( chuckles ) Dude, I get my old life shoved in my face every day.
Let me ask you something.
How long does it take you to get dressed in the morning? Five ten minutes.
From the time I go in the bathroom till the time I tie my shoes, that's a minimum of two hours, man.
That's every day.
It's hard, man.
Getting up, getting dressed, getting to work.
Getting my in and out of this little go-cart.
It's every day, all day, man.
I don't know how you get through it.
There's only one way to do it.
You've got to act like it's business as usual.
Like you've been doing it your whole life.
Like there never was a yesterday, man.
Except there was.
Yeah, "was.
" But not even the great Captain Eli could live there, man.
Nobody can, man.
What are you going to do now? Guess I'm just going to sit here and wait for tomorrow, man.
All right.
Listen, is there anything I? Don't worry your little, little head, bro.
Eli going to be all right.
I'll be here tomorrow, dawg.
All right.
What? ( chuckles ) That was a beauteous session of lovemaking.
We play each other like a couple of like a couple of Stradivarii.
I love you, honey.
Mike? Yeah? You didn't do it.
What? That thing.
You didn't do it.
Oh, sure I did.
No, you didn't.
Why not? I-I I guess I just got a little nostalgic for the old way.
You know what? I thought it was great.
Even better than the new way.
( chuckles ): It's really not.
It's really not.
Well, sure it is.
The new way's overrated.
No, it's not, and you know it.
So why didn't you do it? It's hard.
What? The new way's kind of hard.
Well, it can't be that hard.
It's harder.
Well, clearly you're capable of it.
Yeah uh I just preferred not to.
I That's so selfish.
( chuckles ) Well, you think about it, honey, you're the one who's being selfish.
I've been serving you steak dinners all week and now you're complaining about a turkey club.
( sputters ) It was delicious turkey club.
Hey, Carol, hey.
Hey, uh, thanks for coming.
I'm not really sure why I'm here.
I need to talk to you.
So you remember when I was trying to have a lucid dream a few weeks a few weeks ago? Yeah.
Well, it turns out I had one.
Oh, really? What was it about? It was about me and Frankie.
Yeah, I was trying to figure out whether well, whether I should go out with her, you know.
And and it's funny.
You know who kept pushing me to take the chance? No, who? You.
Ah, well, I'm so glad I could help you out there.
Yeah, and in the dream, I-I kept thinking I was scared to go out with her because, you know, we work together.
But you kept saying I was scared to go out with her because I'm scared of relationships.
I'm scared of scared of being disappointed.
So, did you decide to be with Frankie? I mean, in the dream? You know, it was funny, um you see, there was a twist.
When I finally decided I should I should go out with Frankie I should take a chance and then you showed up and do you know what you did? No.
You kissed me.
What do you suppose that means? Well, Carol, I think it means that we cannot stay the way we are anymore.
Because if we stay this close we're always going to be in each other's way.
I'm right, right? Right.
I have to cry now.
Come here.
( door closes ) Hey.
So so, I talked to Carol.
Yeah? Yeah.
Thank you.
So, how'd it go? Good.
I think.
( clears throat ) She understands.
I feel selfish.
What? No, no.
Frankie, you shouldn't, no.
You shouldn't Listen, the-the the truth is I-I think a part of me has been hanging on to Carol as some kind of romantic fantasy.
And I-I got to leave it behind, because you and me, this is real.
Yes, it is.
( laughs ) Been doing some soul-searching, huh? ( laughs ): Yeah.
No one soul-searches like yours truly.
So Anyway Where are you going? I'm going to go home.
It's been a few days.
See you tomorrow, okay? Okay.
I don't want to screw up your whole Carol-fantasy, Frankie-reality thing, but I-I can be pretty romantic myself.
Oh, I know.
I know.
I didn't mean it like that.
Good night.
Good night.
( grunts softly ) ELI: Stuckeyboss.
You driving.
ELI: All right, all right! Captain Eli's back in business.
All right.
Hey, Louie, what's up, player? All right, now.
Enjoy that meal, huh? That's the best fish 'n' chips in town.
Tastes so good, have you farting with an English accent.
( laughing ) Better watch yourself.
All right, where's my man, Sandy? Sandy, you a'right? Oh, yeah.
Thanks, Eli.
Thanks a lot.
That's my boy, that's my boy.
Hey, y'all, enjoy your meals, now.
Cause you know I had to come here and put my magic touch on it.
How's it going? Good.
So, did you check your schedule? If you're free Saturday night, I'd still love to take you to a movie or something.
( laughs ): All right, well score one for Jamie Decker.
Don't worry, that's the last time I refer to myself in third person.
( chuckles ) Okay.
( cash register clicking ) ( closes drawer ) "I can" "I can I can be" "Roman romantic.
" "I can be romantic.
" "Two.
" ( chuckles ) "I can be romantic, too.
" "Love.
" "F Frank-ie.
" ( chuckles ) ( taps cards on countertop ) Thank you.