Enlisted (2014) s01e05 Episode Script

Rear D Day

- (Chanting): Go, go, go, go - (Quick, deep breaths) (Chanting continues) Who's laughing now, daddy? (Growls) (Continue chanting) (Quick breaths) Ooh.
- Oh, yeah, greaseballing, son! - Randy.
Ooh, ooh.
You slicked up Chubowski and bowled with him? (Whispers) Why didn't you come get me? (Chubowski groans) And stop it.
Uh, permission to succumb to my wounds.
(Everyone groans) Hey, brother, we're just making a safety video - about the dangers of grease.
- No chance that's true.
No chance that's true at all.
We're making stupid videos for the Internet.
- But before you get mad - Too late.
Our audience is going to love it.
Is your audience a guy that can make you do push-ups all days? - It's more like 12-year-old.
- Mmhmm? Randy, this is not just a kids' video, okay? This is free-form art.
Now, Pete, please look into the camera and say, "now, that's what I call a slippery situation.
" No.
All right? I don't care how much fun it is.
It's over.
(Whooping, cheering) (Loud thud) Yeah! (Whooping) All right, now it's over.
That's it.
(Groans) Oh.
He's fine.
He's fine.
- He's still breathing.
- Medic! Cody: The army is filled with troops on heroic missions, and then there's us.
We take care of things at home.
We are the Rear Detachment.
Yes, we're soldiers.
Enlisted - S01E05 Rear D Day Pete: Good morning, everyone.
Chubowski is still injured and covered in toxic grease, but the rest of us have work to do.
We are gonna resupply the snack machine in the mess hall.
That is gonna rock, huh? Who's with me? You heard Sergeant Hill.
Get up for snacks.
Tasty snack, icy cold lemonade I feel weird.
Derrick: What's with the positive attitude, Rachel Ray? You hate Rear D.
Oh You're on one of your realizations again, aren't you? Pete wakes up with these realizations, like Kale's a super food.
And, uh, social media's tearing us apart.
People used to have conversations.
Whatever your latest realization is, just don't expect us to buy into it, okay? I buy into it, Pete.
What is it? - When I was deployed - Here we go.
The only way to get through a bad mission was to embrace the suck.
Now, I realize that Rear D is no different.
- I'm glad I bought into that.
- You're damn right you are.
And Kale is a super food.
It's showing up on every menu.
You can't even get a real Caesar salad anymore.
You got to embrace the suck.
You know how many fences in Afghanistan that I built, then blew up and then rebuilt? How many? 10, 20, 40, 100, 200 Should I go by hundreds? - You can't embrace this job, all right? - 300, 400 1,000.
There's no "whistle while you work" here, unless you count the sound that Dobkiss makes when he's tired.
A donkey kicked me in my esophagus when I was six.
- Huh.
- I so embrace our job.
We maintain the base, we take care of its families.
Our job is like a majestic bald eagle you just want to hug.
And eagle clawed my eyeballs when I was ten.
How are you still alive? Part of me died a long time ago.
- At ease.
- Cody: Carry on.
Do you like tablet computers? - I do.
- Yeah.
Yeah, sure.
Me, too.
In bed or on the go.
I get to watch dumb crap.
(Whooping, cheering) (Loud thud) Yeah! (Whooping) (Gumble's voice) Now, that's what I call a slippery situation.
Whoa! Dude.
I really nailed that framing.
Pete, your voice sounds weird.
There will be no more making of videos on this post.
(Platoon groaning) As for your corrective training There's a deployed soldier's husband who needs a little work around the house.
We take care of our own here.
I don't know if you've heard, but I'm going to be an awesome Rear D soldier now.
Well, that's super duper.
- Feel like you're being sarcastic.
- (Knocking) - Sergeant Major? - One moment, Sergeant Perez.
Sergeant Hill has actually decided to try at his job.
So we're celebrating.
(Pop) Hooray.
- Why do you have those in your desk? - I'm a festive man.
I was wondering if you'd considered my application for the advanced leader course.
I'm headed to town for coffee in an hour.
Join me.
We'll talk.
I would love that.
Thank you.
I like coffee.
If it looks like I'm playing favorites, well, it's because she is my favorite.
It's nothing personal.
It's just that she's a person who I like more than I like you.
When Sergeant Major approves me for ALC, I'll be in line for a promotion and I will finally get some respect.
Oh, you crave that, too? 'Cause I just had a popper go off in my face.
(Chuckles) And that was a great moment.
But it's different for me.
When people see you, they say, "there goes a brave soldier.
" People see me, they say, "look, a lady one.
" Oh, come on, you're way more than just a lady one.
Here it comes.
Yeah, you're also a rules freak, a suck-up.
You smell like pancakes sometimes.
Now, that's not a bad thing.
It's just worth commenting on.
Yes, I am good at my job and I smell like America.
You know, I feel sorry for whatever army wife you're about to release this charisma on.
Joke's on you, 'cause it is a dude.
Name's Rodney Spratz.
(Laughs) Why are you laughing? - What up, Brosephs? - Oh, boy.
Come on in, guys.
I'll show you around.
Well, this over here, now, this is my man cave.
Right? - Yeah.
- Hey, look, I got two scarf ace posters over there.
Now, one of 'em's real One has my face.
That is awesome.
Which is which? Hey, that's my boy, Tim.
Randy: Hey, Timbo.
Hi, Tim.
Say hello to your dad's new friends, Timbo.
We're out of eggs, Rodney.
Well, I I'll get right on that.
'Cause I am your dad.
So call me dad.
(Chuckles) Okay.
He's great, yeah.
So, Rodney Yeah? What do you need? I just converted my laundry room into a closet to age my home brew.
So I need a new place to put the washer and dryer.
So let's float this puppy upstairs! If anybody needs me, I'll be making nachos.
So Rodney sucks.
Come on, guys, we can do this.
Oh, yeah? What are you thinking here, teleportation, or just some good old-fashioned wizardry? None of those are real, Derrick.
Look, I appreciate that you're committed to this whole "Rear D's awesome" realization, but I give you about ten minutes before you turn into T-man.
I am not gonna turn into temper man.
Why'd you bring up T-man, Derrick? Nobody said T-man, Pete.
I just said it, but don't listen.
Okay, I haven't turned in to T-man in, like Two weeks? When you punched that colonel and got kicked out of Afghanistan? On international soil.
It doesn't count.
It's international soil.
It doesn't count.
How about when you lost state and threw that second-place trophy through a plate-glass window? I was just trying to put the trophy in the case, - and it slipped.
- It was slippery.
What about the time you beat up the cotton candy machine 'cause you were too short to ride the log flume at that amusement Park? You know I was taller than that bear's paw! Oh, T-man? Ah Hey, are you in there? I'm not turning into T-man.
You know why? 'Cause I got a new attitude, pal.
I am a Rear D man now, and a Rear D man embraces his suck.
All right, now that we've chased these unpleasant memories to the darkness where they belong, let's get our suck on! Let's embrace getting our suck on! I feel weird.
Let's go.
So, the advanced leader course would really speed along my promotion.
Very good.
(Chuckles) Sergeant Major? You know, kids are a son of a bitch.
Come again now? I gotta tell you, I am having a lot of trouble with my teenage daughter.
She's going through "the change.
" I don't think that means what you think it means.
She used to be so sweet.
Now she's a moody little mini-woman.
Uh, have you tried talking to her? I try, but she's all, "don't go there.
" I'm, like, "go where?" I don't know where I'm going.
I'm sorry about that, Sergeant Major.
So about that leadership course Um, you want to go someplace else? You hungry? Pete: Push, push, push! Derrick, are you pushing down? Oh, no, I'm not doing anything at all.
Hang on there.
Oh, these are still wet.
Carry on.
There's a damn carpet in here! There we go.
There we go.
(Grunts) (All gasp) Unbelievable pain.
Oh, yeah! Hey, uh, has anyone seen T-man? No, I haven't seen him at all.
Because he is dead and gone.
Oh, no! I'm not going to the funeral, but I'll send white flowers and an oversized card.
I mean, I will make a donation to his favorite charity.
Hey, we did it! You know what I always tell my men "Embrace the task.
" So, remember, if there's ever anything you need, we're here for you.
Welcome to my backyard! (Laughs) I've always wanted to turn this into a sports court for me and Timbo.
I'm talking about batting cage and a mini ab station.
Hey, you know what? I'll get my sketches.
Oh, not gonna go that way.
There's thorns over there.
Oh, and there's a snake that lives down there.
I think she just had babies.
Real protective right now.
Just be careful.
I just want to say for the record that none of this would have happened if not for Pete's new attitude.
So, well done.
Yeah, well done, Pete.
I was being sarcastic.
Maybe we can just get a flamethrower and torch Rodney's yard.
Are we seriously getting a flamethrower? Are we really building this guy a sports court? Derrick, do not get us off topic.
So, about this flamethrower? Part of embracing the suck is to not give up when things get suckier.
So if I'm to understand, this flamethrower is still in play.
Randy, there is no flamethrower.
This has been one big roller coaster ride.
- Okay.
- Come on.
It's just us.
- Admit that you hate this.
- We're Rear D soldiers.
We're gonna do what we got to do, and we're gonna do it with a smile.
- You are so full of - Wisdom? Confidence? A passion for excellence? Crap, Randy.
You can't keep this up.
I bet we'll see T-man before the day is done.
(Chuckles) I will take that bet, and I will take it with a smile.
I will watch you lose that bet with a smile.
Pete's gonna win, we're all gonna smile, Rodney's gonna get a sports court It's gonna be a really great day all around.
Ready? Break! (Mimics explosion) You just got exploded.
(Quietly): Boom.
Teenage girls act crazy because of their hormones, right? That's probably fair to say.
Can I stop them? Can you stop hormones? Does spicy food have any effect? What about the moon? Friend or foe? (Groans) Sergeant Major, did you get into the Internet? Ever since my wife and I split, I don't have a woman to turn to for help.
Sergeant Major, while I'm happy What I'm really worried about is this guy my daughter's dating.
Just look at him! Look at who? Have we been spying on your daughter's date? I've been spying.
You've been picking at some jambalaya.
Let's go.
They're on the move.
- What do you want me to do? - Blend in.
The trees, bushes, plants They all got to be cleared out.
Oh, FYI, the fire ants have kind of taken over back here.
No biggie smalls.
Just wear gloves.
Oh, but check the gloves because fire ants love - hanging out in gloves.
- There's the silver lining.
It's pretty cool your dad's new buds are helping out, right? They're not your buds.
(Chuckling): Oh, snap.
Classic burn about us not being your dad's buds, Tim! (Chuckles) Which we are! I wanted to make it less awkward.
- Did you say less or three times more? - Less.
See, that's why I need the sports court.
I got to get Timbo out of his room and doing some real guy stuff, you know? Trying to raise that kid alone while his mom is deployed has not been easy.
We get it.
Our mom raised us while our dad was deployed.
Well, she had some help.
I stepped in a lot to raise these knuckleheads.
- Knuckleheads.
- And here we are, cutting down trees, a job they make prisoners do.
So you did a spectacular job.
Well, Rodney, this is one Rear D soldier who's ready to embrace this task.
- Who's with me? - Hooah! - I got one! - Dude, with me on three.
- Okay.
- One, two, three.
- Hooah! Hooah! - How do you say it? - Hooah! - Yeah, it's guttural, you know? - Hooah! - Let's get started.
- We're gonna get this.
Feels good.
It gets you pumped up for anything.
(Clangs) Found a bathtub! Hey, you guys can make a planter out of that.
Just trying to focus on the sports court, buddy.
Hey, Peter.
You look a little frustrated.
Why don't you take a break, have a little tea man? (Laughs) Look, I'm actually having a great time, because I know that you're miserable.
Which is fine, because we're all miserable, too.
Right, guys? I have ten fire ant bites! I don't do well in the sun.
I am badly burned.
It's like my boob sweat is cousins with my back sweat and they're having a Thanksgiving dinner downstairs.
Yeah, that's That's disgusting.
We're all right here with you.
So come on, man.
Let T-man out of his cage.
It's gonna feel so good! T-man.
T-man All (Chanting): T-man, T-man, T-man, T-man Come on, boo-boo, let T-man out.
Let him out! It's not gonna work, guys.
All right? T-man doesn't live here anymore.
Tell 'em, Randy.
Where's my hype man? Psst, little boy.
- I'm right behind you.
- Ah! It's okay.
I have been watching you for a long time.
Let me start that over.
What are you watching? Funny videos? Oh, those are funny.
Type in "awesome soldier lipsync.
" (Typing) Ay, me gusta Dat Booty Yeah, that's me.
What's up? (Both laughing) Hey, since I'm right here, did you ever think about maybe cutting your dad some slack? - Why? My dad's lame.
- That's a great point.
But look, when my dad was deployed, my mom had a real tough time, so I understand All right, that's cool.
It's probably breezy.
Um I'll come around if you want to talk.
Now I get what you're doing.
She went and then start screaming at us.
Sometimes she can I can't believe I'm doing this.
The boy has a chain wallet, he's probably full of condoms and reefer.
I thought that was really funny.
She said she wants a tatoo of a daisy.
Is that a code for anything? Mine isn't.
Who takes a girl to see a giant robot movie? Can we please talk about my career? - First, let's talk about pads.
- Let's never talk about pads! What are you (Whispering): Hey, guys.
(Whispers): Were you serious about not talking about pads? (Wheezing) He literally dug his own grave.
(Grunting) (Sighs) (Speaking Korean) Finished, huh? I dedicate this court to T-man, God rest his soul.
Dobkiss, you still in that hole? Thanks, bros! Looks great! I don't see my ab station anywhere, but, eh, you know what, I like my curves.
- If you're happy, we're happy, Rodney.
- (Chuckling): Yeah.
Hey, it's a good thing you only had to do some yard stuff, right? It's not like you had to do any real soldier work, am I right? (Chuckles) (Whispers): Welcome to the rodeo.
So, um - We're not real soldiers? - It's not like you're deployed.
(Whistles) (Chuckling) I mean, it's hard to tell what's real sometimes, right? I mean, what is real? (Chuckles) Am I real? (Sputters) Who knows? - (Chuckles) Is she real? - I'm really real.
What about this bench? Is this bench real? Let's find out.
(Grunts) Oh! (Grunts, shouts) Oh! Sergeant Hill, what are you doing?! Derrick: Whoa, whoa, whoa, let's Let the fire burn.
Robinson: Oh, it's burning.
(Grunting) Oh, there it goes.
T-man's kind of uncoordinated.
Park: Sergeant Hill? Yeah, get it over that fence, Pete! Good stuff! (Whirring) (Shouting) Hey! Hey! (Shouting continues) I'm out of the hospital and ready to work! (Groaning) That doesn't seem fair.
You know what is real, Rodney? You're a giant pain in the ass.
The only thing worse than being yelled at by Cody is the anticipation of it.
It's like opposite Christmas.
Are you kidding? T-man chucked a batting cage.
This is like super Christmas.
You just love chaos.
- I do.
You can call me the Joker.
- Then that makes me Batman.
If you're Batman, you're crappy Batman.
You're George Clooney Batman, all right? You sank the franchise.
(A la Christian bale): But then I rose again.
(Sighs) Isn't that right, Robin? I'm just eating my eggs over here.
Man: At ease! Carry on.
- Sergeant Hill.
- Here we go.
- Here we go.
- Rodney called.
(Laughing): Rodney.
To thank me for your work.
Seems like your new attitude is the real deal.
You've earned yourself one of these.
- What is that? - That's a real smile.
It's the same as the fake smile.
Yes! Looks like Rodney's too afraid to rat us out.
What do you say about that, Robin? Up top.
Robin only works for a hero.
You're no hero.
You're a dick.
Deck the halls with boughs of holly - Shut up.
- Other soldiers.
Fa LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA! Oh, Sergeant Perez.
Look, I just got a text from my daughter, but I don't think it was meant for me.
Uh, "wut up dinkie-do? Lulz.
" Smiley face, smiley face, picture of a rainbow.
Does that mean she's on drugs? Sergeant Major, I spent most of yesterday spying on your daughter, and you didn't talk about the leadership course once.
I just thought that as a woman, you could help me out.
It's bad enough when a civilian sees me as just that.
It's a lot worse from you.
Ooh, a lady one.
I will end you! All right.
What's going on? I think I made it clear, Sergeant.
You're a slang word for genitals.
- Ooh.
- That slang word is a crazy disrespectful thing to call a superior, Randy, but gonna ignore it 'cause I'm your brother, and I want to know what's going on.
Look, sure, Rodney abused the system.
And, yes, he's annoying.
But remember how hard it was for mom while dad was deployed? Yeah.
It was hard.
It's got to be hard for Rodney, too, maybe harder because we like our mom.
Rodney's kid thinks he's a dork, and you had to go off on him and justify everything that kid thought.
Man, I am a slang word for genitals.
Yeah, you are.
I don't feel good about today anymore.
- You want to apologize? - No, no, of course not.
You need to go apologize, Pete.
Embrace your own suck.
(Derrick whistles) Pretty profound stuff from a guy whose favorite food used to be pennies.
- He did love pennies.
- Yep.
But he's right.
I mean Look, you always try to set a good example for us Not that I'd ever follow it But, at the very least, it's what mom would want you to do.
She's a great mom, huh? Amazing.
She's the best mom in the world.
I'm not gonna cry.
I am.
I love you, mom.
I love her, too.
I love her the most.
Don't make it a competition.
(Crying): I love you, mom, so much.
Gumble: Keep crying, ladies.
This is great.
Our tears are private, private! Sergeant Major, before you say anything, - I know I was out of line.
- You weren't.
I got you something.
It's a thermos.
Keeps cold things cold and hot things hot.
The salesman assured me that it was gender-neutral.
Look, I've got a bad habit of putting what I want first.
At least, that's what my ex-wife says.
(Chuckles) It's just I don't feel like a good dad.
All you can do is care.
My parents weren't there for me, like like, ever.
My dad was in jail, my mom wasn't home, my Uncle Rico was beaten to death with a sock full of oranges.
Or was it doorknobs? No, it was oranges.
His corpse was sticky.
Stop telling me things.
I'm just saying I had no one.
Your daughter has someone great.
Look, you may not have had anyone who cared back then, but you've got someone who cares now.
Thanks for talking.
We can still talk, but Maybe after we discuss the leadership course.
Oh, I've already approved that.
You deserve it.
Thank you, Sergeant Major.
So Oranges? Really? Yeah, so the key is you put 'em in the freezer the night before, so they get really nice and solid and then you can just Go back to not telling me things.
I'm really sorry, Rodney.
I was totally out of line.
Well, thank you.
Oh, this beer's gelatinous.
Am I tasting pork? This is Rodney's summer pig roast ale.
- And it sucks.
- Yeah.
I'm lame and I can't even make good beer.
Hey, don't beat yourself up.
- My son doesn't even respect me.
- That's not true.
He sits in his room all day long.
That's why I thought that sports court was a good idea.
Yeah, I'm not so sure he'd be into a sports court anyway.
Listen, I was talking to Randy, and I may have an idea.
(Dramatic music playing) (Whooshing) Wow! Hi-ya! (Crackling) I really believe that's happening! (Bell dinging) (Whip crack sound effect) (Chuckles) Thank you, guys.
Aw, it's no problem, Rodney.
Rear D takes care of its own.
Really? I had to walk back from the hospital twice.
Twice! Eh, let's watch it again.
(Others agreeing)