Enlisted (2014) s01e08 Episode Script


Oh, this should end well.
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Dude, I am so pumped we got tomorrow off for soldier appreciation day.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Are we embarrassing you in front of your girlfriend? No.
And she's not my girlfriend all right? She just gave me her number.
Would you go talk to her? I don't get it, man.
I thought that Erin liked you.
Yeah, but that's the whole point.
If I go over there, I can only ruin it.
See? This is what you do all the time.
Anything that involves risk, you just talk yourself out of.
Oh, snap! You just got hit by Pete's truth beam, son! I take plenty of risks, okay? - No, you don't.
- No, you don't.
Avoiding risk is how you ended up in the army in the first place.
You were too afraid to commit to anything that you actually liked, so you just joined the family business.
Ah! The light from Pete's truth beam is so very bright! You know what? I'm gonna go over and talk to her, but when I get back, both of you better be dead from alcohol poisoning, okay? You go get 'em, handsome.
Roger that, baby.
Remember when you gave me your number then thought, "oh, big mistake, I hope he loses that"? Well, guess what? I didn't.
You want to get dinner tomorrow night? Um, my schedule's kind of tricky.
Can I get back to you? Cool beans.
Why am I saying "cool beans"? Why am I talking about my talking? Is any of this charming? No.
Derrick, check out me and my beer antlers! I don't know these people.
The army is filled with troops on heroic missions, and then there's us.
We take care of things at home.
We are the Rear Detachment.
Yes, we're soldiers.
Enlisted - S01E08 Vets So, you see the game last night? - What game? - Moving on from small talk.
Look, I, uh, I know you've been working through some things since you got back from deployment.
Oh, boy, can we please not have a heavy talk on soldier appreciation day? I'm wearing board shorts.
I told you to go talk to someone.
They said you never showed up.
That stuff is great for people who need it, but I'm doing fine.
You don't want to talk to a counselor? You can talk to me.
Hi, I'm a nice guy! Got any feelings? Tell me what's going on in that big head of yours Oh, God.
Your nice guy is terrifying.
Well, maybe you'd like to talk to foot-y, the fake foot puppet.
Please don't.
"Don't be a heel, tell me how you feel.
" I'm gonna have to talk to a counselor about this.
Look, the hour is yours, Sergeant Hill.
Just get your butt there.
Fine, but I don't need it.
Whatever I brought back, I can live with, all right? Now can I please be dismissed so I finally enjoy my day off? Oh, about that.
We have to take these guys on a tour? You're their hospitality detail.
These are Korean war veterans.
They were stationed on this post 60 years ago.
They're here for a platoon-mate's funeral.
Ready to hit the beach, Sergeant Major? Private Gumble, you know I have shotgun.
Yeah, just keeping it warm for you, Sergeant Major.
Why do they get to go to the beach? It's soldier appreciation day, duh.
Look, you take care of these men.
If they want dinner at 4:30, you eat at 4:30.
If they want to go to the bathroom, you make sure it happens in the bathroom.
Permission to think a disrespectful word? You have three seconds.
After that, you gotta shake it off.
Thank you, Sergeant Major.
Full disclosure, the word was "balls.
" These fellas will probably hit the rack early.
If they do, you get to come to the bonfire.
Don't worry, guys.
We won't have that much fun.
Oh, this my jam! Shut the door! Hey, where's the latrine? I gotta drain my crank.
At what age do you just start just wandering? All right, we'll give 'em a quick tour, early bird dinner, they're in bed before "Final Jeopardy.
" Hey, buddy, hold up.
I'll take Cane.
All right, I got Hat.
Where do they keep the keys for these things? Humvees don't use keys.
They have a switch.
In Korea, we drove jeeps.
Because in Korea, we didn't need cushy seats.
You know what I sat on in Korea? A big spring.
I'm sorry.
Did you say were you in Korea? I didn't catch that.
In Korea, we punched guys like you in the mouth.
Morning, sir.
Oh, hey.
I see you got the tires over here now.
You know, 60 years ago, we had 'em, uh, over there.
When'd you make the move? I don't know.
I want to take a picture of you and these capricious tires.
What do you say when you want to smile? What? Don't move! Yeah! So these are called elephant doors.
Which actually brings me to another question In your day, did elephants come through here? Yeah, I was in the 101st pachyderm division.
- Right! - Yeah.
So, no, right? So how do you open this? Really amazing.
Just just slide your army card.
Isn't that amazing? What else is amazing? Like a cat crawling into grocery bag, huh? Yeah.
That'd be amazing, huh? Tell me you sniff glue so I can understand your idiocy.
Dan, sir, you seem kind of grumpy, so can I ask you a question? I mean no disrespect.
Do you have to poop? Of course I have to poop.
Uh, Sergeant Hill, would you take a picture of us in the Humvee? And make sure you're far enough back to get those mysterious moving tires in the shot.
This guy is 80 going on eight.
You want to trade? I've got an elderly narcissist with anger issues.
Yeah, mine's a little prickly, but if I'm honest with myself, his criticisms are fair.
- Knock if off.
I'm gonna take the picture.
- You have to wind the film, you idiot.
Why are you doing that? Let's do this! Look out! Yeah! God, they are gonna get in so much trouble! Wait.
No! No! You let a bunch of old vets steal a Humvee out from under your nose?! - He showed 'em how it works.
- He was distracted by the camera.
I was honestly impressed.
It was very badass.
I was on the beach enjoying a party box of chablis.
Poor Sergeant Perez had to drive me home.
Doesn't soldier appreciation day mean anything to you guys? Oh, my God.
Thank you for your service, Sergeant Perez.
It's my day off and I was really having a good time.
I mean, I wish it wasn't such a sausage fest, but Oh, I disagree.
The food was amazing! No-no, Sergeant Major, that's no.
I was just about to wrap my lips around a juicy, hot piece of meat when you idiots called! Sergeant Major, excuse me.
We need to have an immediate conversation about what a sausage fest is.
I know what a sausage fest is.
That's when you line up the best wieners from all around the world and you go to town! No.
That is absolutely incorrect.
It can mean that.
Well, at least I didn't let a bunch of old men trick me into giving them a hummer.
What are you doing? Nothing.
Oh, man, check out this video Gumble just posted.
They finally did it Infinity beer.
We're missing the best day ever! Would you put that away and keep an eye out? These guys could be anywhere.
Should we check in there? Hey.
Oh, boy.
Look, I'll be over in a sec, all right? Don't touch me.
All right, fellas, let's go.
Who's this beer for? Ow! Really? His hands are mostly bone.
Sit your asses down! We're not going anywhere.
Do it, Pete.
Don't make him skeleton spank you.
Yeah, so remember how I said my schedule was, um, tricky? I assumed there were several men in your life, so Just one, actually.
He's six.
Feet tall? He's my son.
So I've got a kid! - A six-year-old son.
- Right! Just a little boy, he's six.
It's a six-year-old is what it is.
Yeah, he, not "it.
" Yeah.
You know what? If you want to take off, I totally get it.
With most men, there's a cloud of dust at this point.
Uh, listen My best friend was a six-year-old - When I was six.
- Mm-hmm.
He was also black, which is not important.
But it might say something about me.
Might not.
Okay, as much as I want to hear about your progressive boyhood friendships, I should get back to work.
I know I kind of dropped a bomb on you, so just think about it.
But text me later if we're on for tomorrow night so I can book the sitter.
Um Or not, you know.
No, no.
Okay, okay.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Okay! Okay, I don't know where this ends, so I'm just gonna take off.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Erin has a kid.
Well, Sully's dead! What? Sergeant John Sullivan The man whose funeral they came for.
They're not just here for the funeral or to have a ghost beer.
May your soul rest, sire.
I want to get back to Erin's situation at some point, but for now, we're gonna leave it to Patrick.
You have the floor, sir.
- Is he always like this? - Tip of the iceberg.
60 years ago, something happened in this bar, something very wrong.
And it's time to make it right.
Let's ride! Where, Randy? Where we gonna ride to? - Specifics, please.
- There you go.
You see these unit coins on the wall? That gap where one's missing? Sully earned his coin for bravery holding the perimeter at pusan.
He carried that coin with him for two tours.
But one night, he got a little too friendly with the wrong marine's girlfriend.
The guy got P.
'D, but he didn't have the guts to tango with Sully, so he ripped his unit coin off the wall, put it between his butt cheeks, and took it to the marine bar down the coast.
That's where it's hung for the last 60 years.
I'm sorry Did you say he put it in between his butt cheeks? Did they not have pockets back then? It's not an important detail.
- No? - You did mention it.
Was it a place of honor? He defiled it.
We have to get it back.
- Do we, though? - How about a brand new coin? Has it been washed? It was Sully's dying wish to get that coin back! We didn't think you'd understand.
You see this? This belonged to our dad.
He made me promise to give it back to him when he came home from the Gulf.
I've been carrying it around ever since.
We were supposed to take turns carrying it.
Never had a turn.
The point is, we do understand.
And we're gonna help you get that coin back.
- All right, we got ourselves - Lock and load, baby.
- Let's do this! - Easy with the gung ho crap, guys.
What's with this gung ho? Come on.
Gung ho! Gung ho! Hooah! You know what? Why don't we switch seats? Yeah.
Do you mind if we switch? Here, okay Okay.
That's better.
Oh, this makes a lot more sense.
Let's ride! Then it's Hi! Hi! Hey! The army's on its way Count off the cadence loud and strong Two! Three! This reminds me of Afghanistan.
We had this one Sergeant who only knew one song on the guitar.
One night it mysteriously blew up in a training exercise I may have led.
We had a harmonica guy in Korea.
All day, every day, with that thing.
I made him eat it.
You ever hear a man pass a harmonica into a camp toilet? That's the sound of the blues.
Let me ask you something.
When you first got home, were people pushing you to talk about your feelings and stuff? My wife talks about her feelings enough for the both of us.
I'm more of the strong, silent type.
Yeah, me, too.
Ah Sure feels good to sit.
Feels good to lie down, too.
I'm looking forward to death.
I like you.
You're going with a gal that's got a kid.
Is that the story? I'm actually still trying to figure it out.
Let me handle it with one word Run! I'm not gonna run Maybe I should run.
I'm gonna run.
It's tough enough to get one person to like you, but two? And with your personality? - Forget it.
- Right? It's like, why take the risk? I can help you with a lot of stuff, kid.
Here's a freebie Never climb over a lit candle when you're getting out of the tub.
Thank you.
I feel like I'm looking in a future mirror.
I am a soldier, I'm a husband, I'm a brother, I'm a father, I'm a grandfather and A shark aficionado.
It's perfect.
Except you wear hats.
I'm not really a hat guy.
What if that means you're not future me? Then who am I? Just a guy that hates hats? I don't want to be defined by hate.
And especially hat hate! That's the worst kind of hate! You're spiraling, son.
I do that, too.
Name your favorite shark on the count of three.
Great white! You never counted.
All right, we're almost there.
Intel says that every other Saturday the marines do field maneuvers, so there won't be any stinking jarheads in the joint.
I like it.
I just wish Sully were here.
Oo-rah! Why, did Sully like getting his ass kicked? Marines Even without their uniforms they look cool.
- Damn - Damn Russel, you said these guys were off on a training exercise.
Oh, that was last Saturday.
Sorry, guys.
Swiss cheese.
We need a new plan.
Well, let's just go to the beach and hang out with the other idiots.
- Yeah! He's a freak! - He's an artist.
And I'm America's favorite wiener boy! If we leave now, we can be there in time to watch him puke.
- I am not giving up.
- Me, either.
I got it.
We'll get jobs at the hair salon next door.
Okay? We'll work there for a long, long time.
They'll call me Pepe, I'll be the best barber and trade haircuts for secrets.
And I will get information and infiltrate their system.
This kid makes a lot of sense.
You two, just take five.
I love this man.
Except for that hat.
What? Why do you have to wear a hat? Everything's so perfect except for your hat.
- Hey, hey, hey - No! No, look at me.
See, now, you may not be a hat guy now, but if one day you need to wear one, I hope you'll be open to it.
Ooh Sorry, I just wanted to see if you were real.
Yeah, I think we're gonna go anywhere else.
- Sorry, sorry.
- That's all right.
- That's all right.
- Sorry, sorry, sorry "Haven't heard from you, so I guess we're not on for tonight.
It's okay.
I get it.
" That's what you wanted.
She just did the hard work for you.
Yeah, I guess.
You play your cards right, you'll be like me and you'll never get tied down.
So you don't have anyone back home? I got plenty of action right now.
I've got a little thing going with a waitress at my diner.
I sit at her station and she brings me coffee and pie.
So, she's Just your waitress.
No, well, she pays me special attention.
Like, one time, she put down my pie and her left one bumped my shoulder.
Then why don't you just ask her out, you know? I mean, you never know, maybe her right one'll bump you, too.
Yeah, but then it could all go sideways and I end up with a banged-up heart and nowhere to eat pie.
Yeah, but then you're just living life trying not to get hurt.
What, do you like to get hurt? No, but Well, then, why risk it? We're the smart ones.
Not like those gonzos back there.
They don't know when to quit.
You should always be able to ask yourself, is it worth getting my ass kicked for this? Hey, well Hey Where you going? Hey! Wait, what are you doing? Taking a risk.
Then it's Hi! Hi! Hey! The army's on its way Any of you stupid jarheads know where an army guy can get a beer around here? You know what marine stands for? "Muscles Are Required, Intelligence Not Essential.
" I love that one.
You're stupid, is what it means.
Sassmouth is making himself a decoy.
He's finally using his dick skills for good.
We got his back.
You guys infiltrate and get the coin.
This is a marine truck.
Private Hill Are you ready to be a hat guy? Yes, sir.
Marines? More like mar-ron'ts yeah, that was kind of a weak one, but I'm terrified right now.
You know what's even more pathetic is the fact that I'm, like, half the size of one of y'all's biceps Excuse me, kind sir.
Can I have a marine beer, as I am clearly a marine? Just like my grandmother used to say Any time you see a marine, you beat the beep out of them.
She didn't cuss, 'cause she was a Christian woman.
But you know what she meant.
So, uh, which one of you clowns is gonna take the first punch? Okay, so, me then? Get away from my brother! Eat it, jarhead! His old man hands are all bone! Tryin' to steal the coin, oorah? No.
Yeah, that's what you get for messing with a hat man, son! Ice it! Ice it! Aah! I got the coin! Yeah! Come on! Go! Go! Get in the Humvee! Go! Ha! Hooah! Hooah! Best soldier appreciation day ever! Ever! Sure is! That was a bonehead move.
But I'm proud of you.
I-I-I don't really know what I did.
There's a big chunk of time missing.
Your cries for mercy got me thinking.
Life is short.
And maybe I should ask Janet for something more than just a piece of pie.
She's got a kid, too, though.
That makes me a little nervous.
He's 58.
Good for you.
Thanks, fella.
What are you giving this to me for? I want you to put that in Sully's casket.
Don't you want to do it? I'm not going to the funeral.
What?! After all this? I-I thought Sully was like a brother to you.
I came down here to complete the mission for him, but funerals You see things in war And funerals just dredge up all those memories.
Some things you just learn to live with.
We are gathered here to celebrate the life of Sergeant John Sullivan.
He defended this country and deserves to be honored the way he honored our country.
Let us pause a moment to reflect upon a friend who is no longer with us.
Watson, it's cold.
I'm Russian, I like long stories.
Sorry, forgot to pay.
Swiss cheese.
You should see the other guys.
I'm Derrick.
It's a lot better.
I mean, best of all, every time I go eat with my wife, we get great parking.
Hard to fall asleep at night.
You know? It's just not the same anymore.
Well, have you tried the stuff we talked about? So I have some stuff I don't just want to live with.