Episodes s04e02 Episode Script

Season 4, Episode 2

What are you guys staring at? That dick whistle Andrew Lesley.
Andrew Lesley's here? I didn't get a chance to tell you I loved your script.
You did not.
- What an asshole.
- Which one? Take your pick.
This network has never had a woman in that job.
- Don't you think it would-- - What about Helen Basch? Uh, wow.
She acts like nothing happened, but come on.
I broke up her marriage.
You think she's gonna want me as her number two? Call your agent.
Sell your show.
Make the money.
I'm sorry.
The FBI's been investigating him for stealing money from his clients.
- Larry? - How much do you have with him? What do you mean how much? All of it.
- Oh, shit.
- Motherfucking son of a bitch.
- May he rest in peace.
- Whose side are you on? Mm? Hi, honey, it's Beth.
Did I wake you? - Mm.
- Okay, listen.
I've been getting tons of calls for a comment.
About what? The money thing.
The what? The money thing.
Larry Penzel? Stealing your money? Oh, Jesus, right.
Oh, fuck me.
Okay, so I've written a short statement for you.
I just want to make sure you're comfortable with it.
"For 17 years, Larry Penzel was my business manager and personal friend.
" Evil sack of shit.
"I can confirm that he misappropriated a substantial amount of money from me.
" Hope they're raping him in hell.
"However, there are other victims of his fraud who lost much more than I did.
" - Is that true? - I don't know.
"My sympathies go out to Mr.
Penzel's widow and children.
" No, they don't.
"Their loss is much greater than mine.
" - Bullshit.
- Any other thoughts? I hope he comes back to life, gets ass cancer, and dies again.
All right, let me give it another pass.
- Oh, no.
- What? - "What?" - They're not the same.
Another checked shirt couldn't tell them apart.
Eileen.
Hello? Hi, guys, are you two together? You have no idea.
So, lots to report.
I set up all our network meetings for Friday.
I figure we'll do them in a row, bang, bang, bang, and then go for lunch and see where we are.
Sounds like a plan.
Okay, see you Friday! Everybody wants you.
This is gonna be so fun! - Bye.
- Thank you.
What? You really want to go through this again? Financially I think we'd be foolish not to.
It might be different this time.
You don't know.
Darling, why on earth would it be different? Let's at least hear what they have to say.
It doesn't matter what they say.
They'll say whatever we want to hear.
Look, they can't all be devious fuckwits.
Yes, they can! Okay, how about this? We take the meetings.
And shove them? If we can find one that we both agree won't crush our souls, then we'll consider doing the show.
Otherwise, back in the drawer it goes.
- I'll take those odds.
- Thank you.
- I liked the other shirt better.
- I know.
You're wearing it.
How bad is it? Well, on one hand, even with the embezzlement, you're still a wealthy man.
- And the other hand? - Take a look at this.
If you maintain your current rate of spending, you'll run out of money by the time you get here.
Fucking other hand.
The problem is you have virtually no cash.
Everything's tied up in non-liquid assets: Real estate, automobiles, a dinosaur egg? Yeah, it's pretty awesome.
It's, like, this big with spots on it and-- What we need to do is convert some of that to income-generating capital.
Meaning what, sell shit? Right.
What we also need to do is look at reducing your expenses.
Obviously there are fixed costs that are unavoidable.
Insurance, medical, the mortgage on your father's condo.
Um, that one's not in stone.
You're prepared to evict your father? I'm just saying let's keep it in our back pocket.
All right.
Uh, child support, alimony-- Actually, that one's going away.
My ex-wife's getting remarried.
Well, that's a sizable savings.
Congratulations.
Do we know when that's happening? No, but I can find out.
Taking that off the books will be a big help, big.
See? It's not all the other hand.
It's a start.
We also need to talk about some of your more, uh, discretionary expenses.
Who is Jose Padilla? He's the guy who sweeps my beach.
And if he didn't? Who's gonna do it? See, that's the kind of thing we may need to eliminate.
Wow, that seems pretty drastic.
Well, let's think about it.
All right, um, there's the vineyard.
No, no.
No, that's income-producing.
I make money on the wine.
Actually, Aaron ran the numbers.
For what you're spending to operate the vineyard-- new equipment, insurance, salaries-- it's actually costing you about $1,100 a bottle.
I-I can't sell the vineyard.
First of all, my name is on the label.
Plus I got, like, $15,000 worth of sweatshirts and T-shirts and hats with my logo on it.
No, not selling it.
It's off the table.
All right, there's the plane.
- No.
- It's a huge-- No, the plane is off the table.
- But-- - Move on.
I think we should discuss the possibility of liquidating the car collection.
Fuck you.
Okay.
So that's not on the table? Not even near the table.
But you're prepared to evict your father? Not one of those cars is an asshole.
Let's keep going.
We're showing you spent $126,000 on a single bottle of Brandy once owned by Al Capone? A little piece of history.
Can you see yourself parting with it? I drank it.
- Ah.
- I was drunk.
It was there.
As a business decision, it's hard to defend.
I don't know.
This did nothing for me.
I agree.
It just doesn't feel like us.
- I liked it.
- Really? I like the relationships between the characters.
I like the physical comedy.
It feels fresh.
But do we really want to do a show with puppets? Puppets? Oh.
Uh, Helen Basch is here to see you? Helen's here? Oh, my God, send her in.
"Am I interrupting?" said the woman who's clearly interrupting.
Please, interrupt away.
So, introductions.
Obviously, Helen Basch.
Andy Button.
Hi, can I have a raise? Too soon? And Myra Licht.
Actually, Myra and I met last year at the Aspen Comedy Festival.
Okay.
And now look at you.
You're-- What? Going to be working together.
Yes, can't wait.
So excited.
Mm.
You got quite the crew here.
All righty, how about you guys give us a few minutes? So nice meeting you.
Totally kidding about the raise.
Sort of.
I'll see you both soon.
Bye-bye.
Oh.
Oh, my God.
I totally thought she was-- She's never said, and we're all afraid to ask.
Well, something's going on in there.
If she's not having one, she definitely ate one.
So, sit, sit, sit.
We are all so thrilled you are here.
Aw, thank you.
All right, look, I need to get this out of the way.
Can we talk about the elephant in the room? Oh, sure.
I wish I'd brought peanuts.
Okay, before you say anything, I am so sorry.
If I could go back in time and undo it, I would.
There is no excuse.
I was young.
I was naive.
Okay, those are both excuses.
But it was my first real job.
He was powerful and exciting, and you have no idea what I'm talking about.
Nope.
How many elephants are in here? - Morning.
- Morning.
One sec.
- Hey.
- What are you doing here? Matt LeBlanc is here to see you.
Thanks for the heads up.
The what? So, to what do we owe the pleasure or whatever it is we're about to experience? We'd offer you a seat, but, um-- Yeah, what happened to your shitty couch? We know when we came back from London, it was gone, so, uh, pull up a box.
What's up? I kind of need a favor.
- No.
- Maybe let him ask first? - Thank you.
- Fine.
What? I need you to talk to Andrew Lesley.
- Fuck off.
- No way.
Look, he won't let me do his pilot 'cause he thinks I'm still doing our piece of crap.
Oh, thank you.
You got to convince him ours is dead.
He'll listen to you guys.
You got the history.
No, forget it.
There is no way we are speaking to that smug, duplicitous, talking scarf.
I was about to say "When pigs fly out of your ass," but I've seen what you eat, so it's not an impossibility.
Come on! I'm desperate here.
They want me to sell my vineyard! You have a vineyard? - I never gave you a bottle? - No.
Well, you are definitely getting a bottle and a sweatshirt and a hat.
I'm excited.
If you need money so badly, why don't you just sell your plane? The plane is off the table! What I need is work.
Look, I realize what I'm asking, but it's a few minutes of your time, and it would mean everything to me, come on.
- Fine, we'll call him.
- You got to do it in person.
- Fuck off.
- In person? No fucking way.
My agent called him.
My manager called him.
It's not gonna work over the phone.
It's got to be face-to-face.
- No.
- Fuck off.
If you do this for me, I will take you to a Golden Globes gifting suite.
Say more.
Wait, wait.
So you didn't make him break up with me? I didn't even know there was a you.
And you didn't make him fire me? I probably would have if I'd known.
Does that help? So he did all that just to stop seeing me? Oh, my God! Look, I get that you loved him, and I know this is hard to hear, but ed was an emotionally stunted, compulsively lying, evil sack of shit.
He seemed so nice.
Hey, at least you got out.
I'm still paying him alimony.
Can I ask you something? Uh, what was your elephant? Oh, I heard you were looking for another job, and I was gonna convince you to stay.
Ah.
Good afternoon, Andrew Lesley's office.
Please hold.
- Hello, we're-- - Sean and Beverly Lincoln.
We've been expecting you.
Andrew, they're here.
Oh, my God.
Look at you! In my office! My mentors! Yenz, how much do I talk about these two? - All the time.
- All the time.
Well, we talk about you a fair bit too.
Oh.
Come in, come in, come in, come in, come in, come in, come in, come in.
Sit, sit, sit.
I apologize for the sofa.
It's temporary.
The one I ordered is taking forever.
Heads will roll.
Oh, look out for the heads.
All right.
Here we go.
- Oh, my God.
- You didn't have to-- Please, we do it every day.
- Are these yours? - Don't be mad.
You can just buy them.
I know, but you like them.
- You baked these? - Mm-hmm.
He baked these.
I told him he doesn't have to.
Marmalade? This is such a treat.
Oh, by the way, bravo on the show.
We heard you were cancelled.
Now you're not.
More episodes of Pucks! Yay.
Actually, uh, that's why we're here.
Whatever they're saying officially, our show is definitely over.
No! I thought they ordered six more.
They did, but it was just a ploy to keep Matt from doing your show.
Those buggers.
Guess I'm more important than I thought.
I guess.
Anyway, the point is, since our show is dead, we wanted to put it out there-- Oh, wow.
Awkward! I haven't even started hiring writers yet.
What? You know I think you're both beyond brilliant.
It's just not quite the right fit.
No, no-- I'm just going for something a bit younger.
We're not here looking for work.
Whatever you say.
Actually, we have a show that three networks are competing for.
I'm sure you do.
- We're here on Matt's behalf.
- Oh? He felt it was important that you know Pucks! is really finished, so you might reconsider him for the part.
Oh.
Yeah, that won't happen.
Unless he's legally free and clear, the network will never go for it.
And, uh, just between us, I think we can do better.
Lemon curd? It was so lovely to meet you.
- Scones for the road? - No, thank you.
Yeah, fine.
You're fired.
- I'm what? - Nothing.
Hey.
How's our guy doing? Well, he's still standing.
- He's no Beckham.
- Not even Victoria.
- Where's Ollie? - Work.
So when's the big day? What do you care? You're not invited.
Really? I was kind of hoping to give you away.
Is he running in the wrong direction? Uh-huh.
Well, at least he's getting exercise.
So, uh, you guys set a date yet? Just asking.
I'm excited for you.
No, no date.
If it happens, it happens.
- What does that mean? - It means - it might not happen.
- What? Michael! Honey, stand up! Someone's gonna trip on you! What do you mean it might not happen? Lately it just isn't feeling like such a great idea.
That's crazy.
You gotta marry him.
- It's--it's Ollie! - You never even met him.
I know, but you said he's such a great guy.
He is, but he's got issues.
What kind of issues? Like hostility issues.
He can be mean.
Mean.
Who isn't mean? You're mean, I'm mean.
Come on.
I'm talking mean.
Sometimes there's a lot of rage there.
Define rage.
What are you doing? I don't want you to throw away something good.
Even if he's sometimes abusive? What kind of abusive? Well, not physically, but-- Then what are we even talking about? You told her to go back to the man with the rage? Sometimes rage.
Okay, forget Diane.
Do you really want your children growing up in this potentially unhappy situation with this abusive man? The savings are significant.
For which you're prepared to consign them to a miserable childhood? It's childhood.
It's over before you know it.
You should never have been given sperm.
Look, obviously you can't put a price on your children's happiness, but it turns out you can.
They showed me a spreadsheet.
I'm out.
Oh, guess who we saw today in all his unrelenting smarminess.
- You saw Andrew Lesley? - Uh-huh.
- And? - It's never gonna happen.
What? As long as you're legally contracted to our show, they're never gonna give you the part.
Ugh.
"Legally.
" What does that even mean? Uh, enforceable by law.
That is hard to argue with.
Oh.
What's this? I brought you a little thank-you gift from my vineyard, even though it turns out there's nothing to thank you for.
- "LeBlanc de Blanc"? - Eh? I'm guessing it's not a very complex wine.
Why are you even bothering to meet with those other networks? Because in all likelihood, we're not giving our show to yours.
What? You have to give it to us.
Because why? What about this? Yeah, that hasn't exactly paid big dividends on a professional level.
Okay, how is it going to look to my new boss if my best friend gives her show to someone else? I'm your best friend? Well, probably.
- Who's your best friend? - Uh I don't have a best friend because I'm not seven.
You can be very hurtful.
You'll see.
I'll see what? You're gonna give us that show.
Because you did such a bang-up job with our last show? Ha ha.
No, because Helen's amazing.
She's the best executive I've ever worked with.
You realize how low the bar is? I do, yes.
I do.
Hey.
- Hey.
- Are they ready? Guys, come get your stuff.
Daddy's here! Uh, don't forget Aiden's got that, uh, whatchamacallit this afternoon.
Oh, right.
What are you doing? - Oh, you want some? - No.
They're his vitamins.
They're children's vitamins.
Really good.
So, uh, where are we with Ollie? Seriously? Again with Ollie? I'm sorry, I'm invested.
So-- - It's over.
- Ov--wh-- - What do you mean over? - I don't want to talk about it.
But we decided you were gonna give it a chance.
I gave it a chance.
Boys! Okay, is this still about the abusive thing? 'Cause, no offense, sometimes your expectations can be a little unrealistic.
Aiden, Michael, move it! Your father's starting to piss me off.
So that's it? It's just--just over? Yeah.
Over.
Oh, Jesus.
Are those tears in your eyes? This is very upsetting.
Hi, guys.
So sorry I'm late.
Are you all right? What happened to your head? Oh, it's fine.
I just fell off my desk.
If everybody's here, they're ready.
Great.
After you.
We love this show.
- Oh, that's very kind.
- Oh, thank you.
It's funny.
It's clever.
You can totally tell that English people wrote it.
Everything you all do is so smart.
And yet you felt you needed your own country.
Exactly.
One question we do have though, the doubling, where all the actors play two parts It's not quite a question yet.
Are you married to that? Happily.
Yeah, without the doubling, it's really just a show about two families.
The doubling's what makes it distinctive.
Orgimmicky? I'm gonna stick with distinctive, but I'll go to my grave remembering gimmicky.
We love this.
It's yummy.
It's delicious.
I want to eat it.
It's that delicious.
- Oh, thank you.
- Bon appetit.
There are some great parts in here.
I think we can attract some major talent.
Mm-hmm.
Actually, um, after our experience on Pucks!, we're not really keen on going with big names.
Got it.
Totally hear you.
But say we could get someone like, I don't know, Anthony Hopkins for the father Uh, right, but he would be a big name.
No, of course.
I don't mean him per se.
I'm talking about an Anthony Hopkins type.
Oh, well, that would be fine.
Like Donald Sutherland.
Again, that's a big name.
Gotcha.
I'm with you.
I--I just mean someone Donald Sutherland-esque.
- Okay.
- Like Christopher Plummer.
- Again-- - Yeah, yeah.
You know what I mean.
I think we do.
All right, so this is fantastic.
It's sophisticated and hilarious, and you've been hearing that stuff all day long.
But not yet tired of it.
Well, kudos on being brilliant.
Now, what questions do you have for us? - Um - Uh we didn't know it could go that way.
Refreshing! Do we have any questions? Uh, okay.
It's been suggested that we might want to eliminate the doubling.
Why? I love the doubling.
The doubling is the key.
Otherwise it's just a show about two families.
Exactly.
Uh, any thoughts on casting? I already told these guys I showed the script to Susan Sarandon, who was very hot on it.
I mentioned Goldie Hawn, although she's no longer a client, so I think we can do better.
Look, we'll do whatever you want, but are you dead set on going with big names? Uh, no.
I feel like, with a script this strong, you don't need names.
I mean, if you look at just about any big comedy from the last 20 years, they started out with really good actors and made them stars, not the other way around.
- Interesting.
- Hey.
And if the show's a hit, you'll end up paying them just as much, and they'll wind up just as crazy, so why start there? This is your star.
- Look at you, all smug.
- Not smug, happy.
All right, 80% happy, 20% smug, with a little extra smug in reserve.
Ooh.
Oh, come on, she's fantastic.
There's nothing remotely fuckwit about her.
So, was I right? She's great, right? She's very impressive.
And? And she clearly gets what's good about the show.
So? Well, compared to the other idiots we met today, she's obviously head and shoulders-- Oh, Jesus, just tell me we're getting the fucking show.
I have grave misgivings, it's probably a huge mistake, and I'm sure there'll come a day when I regret this.
So it's a yes! Yay! Hey, Jose.
You know I think you're fantastic, and this has got nothing to do with you.
I mean, this beach is-- But unfortunately I'm having to make some tough financial decisions.
I don't know if you saw the trades, but there's been a whole scandal.
My business manager totally fucked me over, and-- well, you can imagine, it's been a nightmare.
They want me to sell my plane.
I mean, that's not gonna happen.
You got to draw a line somewhere.
But sadly I do have to make some cutbacks.
So I wanted to thank you for 18 years.
I can't believe it, but today needs to be our last day.
If you could just grab that little bit of seaweed shit over there, I think we're good.
Also, I actually don't know if that's your rake or my rake, but by all means--huh? And again, thank you.
Oh, there's part of a dead seagull over there.
If you could just grab that, that'd be great, yeah?