Episodes s05e03 Episode Script

Episode 503

1 [keys clacking] [typewriter bell dings] You won't leave your house.
You're stoned before breakfast.
And you look like I look like what? You look like what I imagine you'd look like if you'd never left Michigan.
[gasps] We had a vehement conversation about Anthony Powner Smith.
Who knows? He might surprise you.
By tap-dancing.
[gasps] That is wildly offensive.
You're wildly offensive.
Hello, good people.
Numbers through the roof! No shit? Get your ass down there.
You got a show to shoot! We'll see.
[Helen] He has demands? He masturbated in front of America.
And America said, "Thank you.
" [keys clacking] [typewriter dings] [wind whooshing] Quirky music [gunshot] quirky music So you'd be playing this guy who used to be a hit man for the mob.
So typecasting? [laughs] Yeah.
You just got out of prison, and you're trying to stay clean, but you got no money.
Totally broke.
Got it.
So you're only option is to move in with your mother in her retirement community in Florida.
[laughs] It's kind of Goodfellas meets Cocoon.
- Funny.
- [both chuckle] [upbeat cell phone ringtone] Ugh.
Sorry, I got to grab this.
My ex-wife.
Oh, no, go-go-go.
Yo? So, uh, I saw your little show with the girl in the box.
Yeah, that was a shit-storm.
But hey, ratings are up 30%.
Aw, I'm happy for you.
Eh, hey.
Are you fuckin' crazy? One of the kids at school saw it and told Michael.
So Michael watched it.
Then Michael showed Aiden.
So now both your boys have seen you with your dick in your hand, jerking off to some girl in a glass box with her cooch hanging out.
I'm not fuckin' doing this with you.
The therapist says you got to talk to them.
Ah can't you do it? No.
This is your mess.
You clean it up.
Which I'm sure you didn't do after your little video.
I gotta go.
You all right? Yeah, yeah.
I'm sorry.
Um, so you were saying I have no idea what you were saying, um one more time.
[woman on TV] Julie and her fiance Dave Have been looking in the Chicago area Come on.
Get dressed.
We're going on a hike.
[snorts] No, I'm not.
Yes, you are.
This is ridiculous.
You've got to get out of here.
I'm in the middle of something.
What? This stupid woman and her husband are looking for a house.
[woman on TV] The first house in Buffalo Grove How many hours have you been at this today? What time is it? 9:30.
The longer you stay here, the harder it's gonna be to leave.
It's like quicksand.
You sit here, hour after hour, watching these shows, getting high I'm not getting high.
Since when? Since I ran out of dope.
You're like a white Billie Holiday.
It's not funny.
I can't afford any more.
Well, I do have a thought about that.
You're buying me dope? No.
If you need money, and this is gonna sound a little extreme, have you considered suing Helen and the network? [chuckles] I can't do that.
No, hear me out.
Your employer initiated an affair with you, and then, when she broke up with you, she created a hostile work environment, forcing you to leave.
And now, you can't get hired.
I don't know.
I think you have a very strong case.
It just doesn't feel right.
I mean, a lawsuit? Also, it seems like so much work.
Yes, it would cut into your busy schedule as a real estate viewer.
So you ever see her? Who? Helen? Mm, sometimes.
In meetings.
She doesn't, um, ever ask about me, does she? Probably not.
[laughs, snorts] I I'm just curious.
After everything she did to you? She literally stripped you naked, - on a hill.
- I know.
That you're even thinking about her! I know.
Get out of this house.
Get out of your head.
- I will.
- When? Right after Love It or List It and Property Brothers.
And Flip or Flop.
So I'd be playing this former hit man who has to move into his mother's retirement community.
It's like a cross between Goodfellas and Cocoon.
Oh, we didn't order any Our compliments.
They like to bring me stuff here.
Why? Why? So the bit is all these old people keep trying to hire me to kill each other.
And they're, like, worse than the mob.
Oh, that's funny.
Is it? Mmm.
See, that's what I was afraid of.
I oh.
Oh, thank you.
And this is? Chef's house-made goose liver pâté.
Wait until you try this.
Thank him for us, please.
Bon appétit.
[chuckles] It helps if you eat a lot of bread with it.
What about you? No, I fucking hate pâté.
I hate geese.
Why didn't you say something? I made a big fuss the first time they brought it.
Now they bring it every time.
Just eat it.
Why do I have to eat it? It'd be rude.
So you eat it.
[groans] Okay, look, forget about the hit man in Florida.
You're right.
It sucks.
- Here's another one.
- Another one? Did you ask me here just to pick my brain about these? No, come on.
I haven't seen you.
- All right.
- [exhales] But since I got you here You've got a list? - There's not that many.
- How many's not that many? Um [mumbled counting] All right, just pitch me your absolute favorite.
What's the one you're really excited about? Well, really excited? [groans] Okay, let's try this.
Go through your list, eliminate every one where you're recently divorced.
Or a "former" something.
Who "reluctantly" agrees to do something.
Especially if you're "forced to move in with" someone.
Oh, and nix anything with the words "dysfunctional," uh, "instant family," or "comes to realize.
" What's wrong with "comes to realize"? Because whatever it is, the network will insist you "come to realize" it by the end of the pilot.
- [soft exhale] - So then you've got no show.
Right, okay.
Give me a second.
At least try the fucking pâté.
- Eh.
- [pen crosses] Well? I've never actually tasted baby shit, but I have to assume.
Okay, done.
So what have you got left? Fuck.
I don't want to do the one where I'm a ghost.
Probably wise.
And I just realized, it's a ghost who has an instant family and they're dysfunctional.
Look, you're in a unique position.
You have a ton of fuck-you money and a good day job.
You can afford to take a risk.
You need to come back with something no one's expecting.
Do a drama.
Do a really dark comedy.
If you're gonna play a former hit man with a bunch of old people, fucking shoot some of them.
Do a show that'll make people go, "Shit, I didn't know he could do that.
" Yes.
You guys got to do it.
Can I start you with something to drink? Iced tea for me.
Double scotch, neat.
Very good.
A double scotch.
[sighs] It's my wife's medical stuff.
How's she doing? Well, now they're saying she needs a bone marrow transplant.
Oh, my God.
Turns out, I'm a match.
My luck.
[whispers] Oh.
Apparently, it can be very painful.
Oh, poor thing.
I'm talking about me.
This is not what you want from a second marriage.
Why can't you? We're a little busy helping to destroy our current show.
And you're fucking miserable.
- From the chef.
- Ah.
Tuna tartare with a light truffle sesame oil.
Mm-mm, mm-mm, mm-mm, mm.
Gave me the squirts for a week.
Why are we eating here? Come on.
We got to do this.
Yes, well, I'm not sure the network will be very keen on us jumping ship.
Don't worry about the network.
They'll do anything to keep me happy.
I can protect you.
I'll be your 500-pound gorilla.
That's what this smells like.
Yeah, it's gross.
Mmm! [cell phone rings] Hello? You are gonna be so proud of me.
Am I? I'm out! No? [laughs] Uh-huh.
It's like a scene from Shawshank Redemption.
You should see me.
I'm on a street! Taking a walk! Good for you! I got a donut.
You did not? And? Donuts are expensive.
I know.
It's because they're so rare.
But it's good.
I'm glad I did it.
You should be.
It's a big step.
I may get a juice.
Well, don't go crazy.
I'm gonna let you go.
You don't have to.
I'm just walking.
It's a figure of speech when someone wants to hang up, remember? You used to use it on me all the time.
March on.
I am very proud of you.
Me too.
Thanks for pushing me.
I needed the push.
Enjoy your donut.
Oh, I am.
quirky music dramatic music [muttering, crying] [woman on TV] Buying a house in Woodbridge, Connecticut, hasn't been easy for newlyweds Bill and Fern.
[sighs] [woman on TV] They can't agree on what they want.
They're looking in the New Haven sub [TV clicks off] [groans] [man on TV] Two balls and two strikes.
[phone ringing] [man on TV] And with the two strikes, continues to [TV clicks off] [sighs] Hello? Sean? Who? What? Carol? Oh, shit.
[chuckles] "Oh, shit" to you.
[laughs] I'm sor I'm sorry.
I just, uh, I-I was calling Beverly and I guess Lincoln is next to Lapidus.
That's okay.
I'll take a butt-dial from you any day.
Well, not exactly a butt-dial, but, uh, so, um, sorry to bother you.
Take care.
Oh! [phone ringing] [groans] [phone ringing] Hello.
Are you okay? Yeah.
I'm great.
Really? Mm, mm-hmm, no, I'm [inhales, exhales deeply] I don't know.
You want to grab a bite? Let me buy you dinner.
Oh, God.
[chuckles] No.
No, no.
Ah, come on.
Honest, uh-um if you saw me right now, you'd lose your appetite.
[laughs] I'm kind of a mess.
[laughs] Are you sure? Yeah.
Yeah, I'm really I'm better off by myself right now.
Well, tell your butt I'm here if it needs me.
[sighs] [sad chuckle] So I understand from Mommy that you guys saw me on the computer doing some pretty silly stuff.
Now, I don't know why we don't have some kind of parental control thing that would stop you from seeing stuff like that.
Not the point.
You want to do this? No, this is you.
Do it.
Just do it.
I'm doing it.
Anyway, you know how sometimes you guys do stuff you know you shouldn't do but you do it anyway? Hm? Well, sometimes daddies do that too.
I mean, it's a little different 'cause the stuff you do doesn't end up on Fox News, 'cause apparently Greta Van Susteren doesn't have enough real stuff to fucking talk about.
But the point is, that doesn't make what Daddy did okay.
And I feel bad.
[Matt] I feel bad that it happened, and I feel bad you had to see it.
I'm sure it was very, very weird for you, seeing that naked lady and Daddy's penis.
So we don't need to talk about Daddy's penis 'cause the point is The point is, I made a mistake.
A big mistake.
But the good thing is that every time you make a mistake, you learn something.
Hmm? And what I learned, and this is the one thing I want you to remember, whenever you're about to do something that you know is bad, always, always, always look for the camera.
Hmm? So we're good? [mutters] [knife clangs] Okay.
[knock at door] Oh, no.
- Oh, yeah.
- No.
- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- No, no, no.
- You didn't have - I know.
D'oh! Stop looking at me.
Why, you look great.
[Scoffs] Well, you look comfortable.
[both scoff] You really shouldn't have Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So I got the roast chicken that you like.
I got some of those green beans and that potato thing, with sauce on the side.
I got no fucking kale.
I got the mac and cheese.
Oh, with the truffles? - [chuckles] - [sniffs] [sighs] But first, a little amuse-bouche.
Oh, my God.
Did you bring papers? Did I bring papers? [cries] Oh, Jesus.
When you said you were a mess, I I am a mess.
Aww, honey.
[sobbing] [sniffling] Are you smelling my hair? Don't smell my hair.
I'm trying not to.
- [sobs] - Oh.
So I get home last night and kick off my shoes, and I start going into the kitchen.
Then, I turn around [laughs] and there's Mr.
Swizzleboots, and he's got his head inside my shoe.
And all you can see is his little bum, - and his tail wagging like crazy.
- [writers awwing] Look-look-look-look-look-look- look-look-look-look-look-look.
[Tim on phone] Who's in that shoe? Aww.
Who's in that shoe? Who's in that shoe? Who's in that shoe? - [cat meows on phone] - Who's in that shoe? So apparently, there is another level of hell.
[chuckles] Never hated a cat more.
Who's in that shoe? Oh, you guys.
Is this because I made the banana bread? Actually, it's for Sean and Beverly.
From Matt? "Let me be your 500-pound gorilla.
" Uh, whenever you're done playing with your plush toy, perhaps we could get back to work? All right, where were we? Uh, I believe we were up to, "Who's in that shoe?" So good.
[inhales sharply] Oh.
I missed you.
[stifled chuckle] Oh! And you.
- [snickers] - Hello, old friend.
[exhales] How great is this? Pretty fucking great.
[laughs] Ahh.
You've got a hit show.
How the hell did that happen? I hate it.
You do not.
I do.
They treat LeBlanc like he's a fucking king.
Like he invented ratings.
- [giggles] - Me, I'm a punch line.
I mean, Jesus Christ, who brought them the show? You were there.
It's such bullshit.
[mock sobs] [laughs] Fuck you.
Fuck you.
I don't have a job.
You should have a job.
I should have a job.
More? Ugh yes.
[laughs] At least you're making money.
It all goes to Jamie and the other two.
[inhales] And all those fucking kids.
Said with love.
[laughs] How's your mother? [coughs] [laughs] Whoa.
I was just wondering.
She's meaner.
Is that possible? Oh, science wouldn't have thought so, but somehow she is.
I think since my father died, she's doing the work of two.
[both laugh] What? I miss that face.
Ah, I said don't look at me.
Hey, you're not the boss of me.
And you are not the boss of me.
- [chuckles] - That's still weird.
I really fucked this up.
You were the best thing that ever happened to me.
Damn right.
Stop looking.
[laughs] [phone ringing] Uh, it's Eileen.
Uh, we'll be right there.
Make it quick.
Don't want to miss the fun.
If Voldemort were a camp counselor.
[Eileen] Hi, guys.
How's it going? - Horrible.
- Tortuous.
Okay, so I just got a call from Roger Riskin, Matt LeBlanc's agent.
He's saying Matt asked you to write his next show? - Yeah, Matt's been after us.
- Right.
I didn't know what to say.
Got to keep me in the loop.
Well, there really is no loop.
We've decided to stick it out here.
God knows why.
We've got so much invested.
I think that's very smart.
The buzz on Opposite is super hot, and now with Anthony Powner Smith - Say what? - I'm sorry, what? What? Anthony Powner Smith? Right? Is what? In Opposite.
[both chuckle] - No, no, no.
- No, not likely.
Unless he is.
Eileen, where are you getting this? Look, I may be misinformed.
Would it be from your other client, Tim? Maybe.
So you're not misinformed? No.
Well, at least you've kept us in the loop.
Uh, to that end, full disclosure, I may have signed him as well.
Who? Anthony Powner Smith? I think so.
What do you mean you think so? No, I did.
And Tim cast him in our show, knowing full well how we feel? Is it a done deal? Uhh I'm sure his agent will be able to tell you.
No, it's a done deal.
Oh, brilliant.
- Okay, here's what I - [line disconnects] [indistinct chatter] Ah, just in time.
Get 'em while they're hot.
What's this? It's Falafel Friday, didn't you know? No, but clearly there's so much we don't know.
Anthony Powner Smith.
Anthony bloody-fucking Powner Smith.
All right, look, why don't we have this conversation after the flan? Uh, don't think so because there's not gonna be any "after the flan.
" We're done.
[writers gasp and murmur] Oh-okay.
Let-let's just take a step back.
Only if you're at the edge of a cliff.
[Sean] If I have to spend one more minute looking at your your-your - Smug.
- smug - Self-satisfied.
- self-satisfied - Weasel-faced.
- I've got it.
- Oh-okay, okay.
You are nothing but a humor-deficient poser, filling in the huge gaps in your talent with arrogance and crepes.
Okay, let-let's not You are a terrible writer.
Your every instinct is dead wrong.
You're about as funny as as a tumor in a silly hat.
I'm sorry, I don't normally believe in public shaming, but what the hell? It's Falafel Friday! What are you doing? Oh, shit, shouldn't.
I I don't know what he's talking Oh, great, right.
Now he's doing that thing where he pretends he's lost interest in the conversation.
Well, it didn't work at university and it's not going to fly today.
Hello! Oh, bollocks! You know, I've never enjoyed your cooking more.
- Hey! - What? - [gasps] - Oh, gosh, I'm so sorry.
That's okay.
They're really light.
That's the egg whites.
All right, so, there we are.
To the rest of you, I am so sorry we're abandoning you.
Nobody deserves this walking nightmare, except obviously Amanda.
Giving up gluten is not like you've discovered a new vaccine or a new planet.
It's just fucking wheat.
Calm down.
Getting off point.
You know, it breaks my heart to walk out of here, because I know this could have been a really great show.
But I just can't bear standing by and watching you ruin it bit by bit.
By the way, Anthony Powner Smith? We've already built the fucking set.
It's all stairs! Oh, right.
Hang on.
Good luck getting your Tupperware back.
You don't even like falafel.
I know, but these are really good.
Have you seen my other sock? Which one? The right or the left? Well, very, very similar to this one.
Have not seen it.
[both chuckle] [clears throat] You want some? Ahh.
[chuckles] [clears throat] So are you gonna be weird about last night? Oh, probably.
[laughs] You're not? Nope.
It was perfect.
It was delicious.
It was us.
I know.
But No-no-no-no-no-no-no.
Uh-uh, no buts.
I can't do this again.
There's just too much history.
Ehh, like old history, like ancient history, like there's togas.
[chuckles] We are in a different place now.
[chuckles] I just think right now Okay-okay, no-no-no-no.
Got it.
Got it.
[chuckles] I hear you.
Not pushing.
Let me just say this.
You know what I was gonna do last night? Eat a Lean Cuisine, and watch, like, three reruns of Shark Tank, take an Ambien, and pass out.
And then the phone rang like a fucking miracle.
When I heard your voice, and you know I don't believe in any of that fate crap, but come on.
I'm just saying.
[exhales] But we'll take it slow.
Okay? I will take it any way you want to give it to me.
[laughs] [both chuckle] [cheers and applause] [Matt] So let's get right to it and see what our box-mates are up to.
[suspenseful music playing] Hey, Rafe.
Losing your mind? I'd rather lose my mime.
[laughter] Well, at least it's quiet.
Right, Jessica? - Quiet would be nice.
- [discordant violin playing] [laughter] [Matt] So Rafe, any regrets about spending all your points - to put Danika - Hey.
- [Matt] in that sumo suit? - Hey.
I tried calling last night.
You didn't pick up.
Something was messed up with my phone.
- Oh.
- I was on with the IT guy - for an hour.
- Ugh.
Three scariest words in the English language: "Go to settings.
" Well, I missed you.
[Matt] Marcel Marceau quiet you'll want to kill yourself.
Up next, there may be a llama in Jonathan's future.
[laughter] We'll find out right after this.
- [cheers and applause] - [lively music plays] And we're out! [man] Two minutes, everybody! Two minutes! Hey, what are you doing here? Want to do a show? Seriously? Sign us up.
Woo-hoo! [sighs] All right, but this is the last time.
Ahh! When can we start? I got a really good idea.
Really? Yeah, I'm this guy who gets killed in a car accident, and I come back as a dog.
Huh? And my wife adopts me because she senses this connection.
And I'm living with her and her new husband.
Okay, now, the audience sees me as me.
But everyone on the show sees me as a dog.
And I have to, like [laughs] crap outside and, and other dogs are humping me.
Huh? - Let-let's-let's, let's, uh - That could be fun.
- think about it, maybe.
- It certainly Matt, we're back.
This is gonna be great.
[smooches] No, no no, ah.
Dear God, what have we done? [llama grumbles] [keys clacking] Quirky music [typewriter bell dings] [keys clacking] (Dynamic instrumental music) - Hey! Hey! - What's that one doing here? - I'm just picking up my man.
- Merc? - Yeah, in fact - (Gasps) what's this? Poor Carol.
I even feel bad for Morning.
Are those new tits? I know.
I'm trapped in a car with two boobs talking about tits.
Okay, do you have any sense of the kind of show you want to do? Something smart, sophisticated.
What if I'm a pimp? Oh, I got a title! Whores.
That is sophisticated.
(Playful instrumental music)