Everybody Hates Chris s03e04 Episode Script

MAN: Anybody else moves, they're dead.
You, fill it up, just the bills.
CHRIS: When I was growing up, crime was always on the move.
The rest of you tellers move away from those windows.
It went from crime on TV to crime in the city, to crime in our house.
So, what's missing? The television.
To my parents and the police, the house got robbed.
To Drew and Tonya, the TV got kidnapped.
Here, I sketched something for you to give to the FBI.
It was a 19-inch RCA, serial number 1993IH.
Do you think you can get it back? We'll try.
What else? Well, we're still trying to figure it out, but they took the stereo, all of our records including my autographed James Brown The Payback album.
Ooh, that's a collector's item.
It's worth some money.
They took my meat! What? All of it.
Steaks, hamburgers, hot dogs, bologna.
If they had stole that stuff earlier maybe he wouldn't have the gout.
Well, can you find out who did this? Doubtful.
There's a lot of crime.
Well, aren't you gonna dust the place for fingerprints, you know, canvas the neighborhood for witnesses, check with your snitches, put your ears to the street? Something? Lady, my shift ends in six minutes.
Fill out this report.
And that's it? That's it.
So you're not gonna help us at all? No, but we're here to comfort you.
Forget this.
I'm getting a gun.
Julius, do you know what would happen if we got a gun? Who ate the big piece of chicken? ( gun cocks ) You? Baby girl? ( guns cock ) Who left the damn toilet seat up? Huh? Who ate all the cereal? I will blow your freakin' head off! I think we should get a dog.
I'd always wanted a dog but my parents always said no.
But maybe the robbery would make them change their mind.
For the umpteenth time, Chris, we are not getting a dog.
Wishful thinking.
The kid's right.
If you really wanna protect the house, a guard dog is the best way to go.
( growling ) ( barks ) I don't think he likes you, Dad.
He better like me.
I paid $35 to have him vaccinated and neutered.
Now we know why he's growling.
Can we name him? He already has a name.
Blackie.
But he's brown.
You black and you brown.
Well, I wanna give him a bath.
Hey, hey, hey, not so fast.
This dog needs to be trained to protect this house.
And since it was Chris' idea, it's his responsibility to feed him, bathe him, walk him and clean up his mess.
She always said she ain't raising no babies.
( funky hip-hop theme playing ) ~ Oh, make it funky now ~ CHRIS: Getting my first dog was like getting a whole new lease on life.
I guess you could say it was like having a new friend.
Hey, li'l dude, let me hold a dollar.
Thanks.
Go get my dollar.
( dog snarling ) ( screaming ) A friend with benefits.
Yeah.
Training Blackie was going to be fun.
I figured I'd start with the basics.
Come here.
Come here.
Jump.
Jump.
J-- Jump.
Speak, likearf.
Uh Roll over.
Like-- Roll Roll over.
I tried monkey see, monkey do, which is useless with a dog.
Hey, I made a complete list of what's missing.
You didn't put a dishwasher on here.
We don't have a dishwasher.
We will if they find one.
I'm calling the insurance company.
No, no, no, I don't want my premiums going up.
Insurance is just for emergencies.
Well, Julius, isn't this an emergency? They took the meat.
They took the TV.
They took my James Brown album.
I mean, the only way they could take something else is if they brought something back.
Look, just let me look around the neighborhood for our stuff first.
Whoever did this can't be that far away.
Well, how do you know that? Who comes to Bed-Stuy to steal? Crackheads, bowling ball-head.
Well, you go ahead and look around.
In the meantime, I'm putting this place on lockdown.
Because the TV was stolen, Drew and Tonya tried to get their fix any place they could.
Captain Kangaroo is so funny.
I'm calling the cops, you peeping Toms.
Get out of here! A dog.
That's so cool.
Yeah, but I can't get him to do anything.
Here's a couple of books on dog training.
You just happen to have books on dog training in your locker? I got lots of stuff in here.
Let's see Got a bartender's guide, an auction catalog to fine crystal, mostly Lalique, How to Fly a Helicopter, The Idiot's Guide to Tic-Tac-Toe, a Gutenberg Bible, and a street guide to Baghdad.
You never know.
That guidebook lists a lot more streets than they have left in Baghdad now.
Well, thanks.
These should help.
Remember, you should be the only one bonding with the dog.
Why? To be a good watchdog, he has to report to one master.
Otherwise, he may befriend the bad guys.
I was going to have to do what Greg said.
Even though being master to something named Blackie seemed like a bad idea.
At home, my mother installed a ghetto alarm system.
Hey, Ms.
Rochelle.
What's going on? We got robbed.
You got robbed? When? Two nights ago.
Where were you? I was at home.
Didn't you hear anything? Oh, no, I was busy.
Well, they cleaned out half the house.
Well, the important thing is you got your health.
Material things don't matter.
'Cause after all, you can't take it with you.
That's 'cause they took it all with them.
The next person that walks through this door is gonna hear bells a-jingling.
Jingling bells.
Let me show you something over here, okay? Well, see, if anybody tries to get through the window Huh? See? Blocked by a broomstick.
But do you really think they'd try to come through a second-story window? People can see them from the street.
Well, if they do, they can't get in.
Oh, and we got a guard dog.
So if anybody comes in this house, they gonna leave in a casket.
Casket-- Now that's the type of talk I like to hear.
Well, I'll keep my ears open.
And your doors locked.
All right, see you now.
Hey, Mr.
Omar.
Hey, how y'all doing? Hey, Ma, um, can me and Drew play with Blackie? No, baby, he's a guard dog, not a pet.
DREW: What are we supposed to do? We don't have a TV.
We're bored.
I don't know.
Maybe read a book.
Reading? Now that's positive.
Tonya and Drew couldn't watch TV, but that didn't stop them from reading it.
Hey, check this out.
Matlock at 4:00: "When Nashville star Dolly Parton get arrested for murder, she turns to Ben Matlock.
" Look at this: Moses Gunn is gonna be on The Jeffersons.
Huh.
Did you know Little House on the Prairie was closed captioned for the hearing-impaired? Stephanie Mills is gonna be on Captain Kangaroo.
Meanwhile, my father tried to get clues from the clueless.
Look, I want information, and word on the street is that you got some.
Where'd you hear that from? Radio or something, man? Ain't got no damn TV, so I heard.
Maybe you should talk to Mr.
Lincoln.
A penny? You can keep your penny, man.
I don't know nothing, man.
I haven't heard anything.
No one's told me anything.
Zero.
Hey, hey, hey, you sure? I mean, maybe you wanna talk to Mr.
Roosevelt too.
Know what? I would love to talk to Mr.
Roosevelt.
Yes, Mr.
President.
Yeah, Julius is standing right here.
Yeah, yeah.
He ain't got enough money.
No, he's really short of money.
Yeah, he's still standing here.
I will tell him, Mr.
President.
Okay, okay, I'll tell him.
Bye-bye.
Um, he says to go talk to Kill Moves, because Kill Moves has his ear to the street.
What do you hear, Kill Moves? Four riders two on ponies.
No, about my place getting robbed.
I ain't hear anything about that.
But don't say I didn't warn you about the coming Indian attack.
( whooping ) My father couldn't get our TV back, and now he'd lost his chair.
What are these things? They're sporks.
Aren't they great? You can eat a soup or a steak without changing hands.
Julius, I can't take this anymore.
I feel like I'm tasting paper plate.
I'm calling the insurance company.
No, no, look, look, I already got some of our stuff back.
This is not our stuff.
It's still a great picture.
Dad, they're white people.
Look, I got it at a fire sale for 15 cents.
But they're white people.
Get a crayon and color them in.
I'm calling the insurance company before you replace me with a white woman.
Right now, he's praying she doesn't look in the freezer.
( loud pounding ) What the--? MR.
OMAR: Let me in! Let me in! What is it? I've been robbed! Lord have mercy.
They broke into my house and took one of my widows.
Mrs.
Johnson? No, man, Mrs.
Williams.
The redbone.
Do you know how hard it is to find a good redbone? Well, at least you got your health.
Oh, that's supposed to be funny? I'm just saying, you you can't take it with you.
I thought this place was supposed to be protected.
Y'all got bells on your doors, broomsticks on your windows.
Where were you? I was home.
And you didn't hear nothing? I was busy, you know.
You were busy? Okay.
Look, I can't live under these conditions, okay? If I don't get my redbone back, I expect a reduction in my rent.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, a reduction in your rent? Did I stutter? And you need to get rid of that dog and get a gun.
Blackie, get out of my chair! He's guarding it.
Oh, Lord, he done done it now! All right, now.
Chris, this is it.
You got 48 hours to train that dog or he's dog food.
Dogs aren't used in dog food, but this wasn't a good time to correct my father.
I loved Blackie, but I'm in trouble.
Blackie, no! Stop! Come back! I didn't know which one was more dangerous: Blackie running into the street or running over to that Puerto Rican fellow.
Thanks, man.
Oh, no problem.
It's amazing.
Every time I command him, he doesn't do anything.
Sientate.
Levantate.
I guess he speaks Puerto Rican.
But I don't.
Well, that's too bad.
Hey, well, you live around here? I don't live too far.
What's your name? I'm Carlos.
Chris.
All right, Chris.
So you think you can teach me some Spanish so I can train him? Sure, yeah.
While I was getting help, my parents needed help.
I'm afraid your policy doesn't cover all of your losses.
What are you talking about? Why not? Well, let me make sure I have all the facts first.
Um, was there any wind damage? No.
Ah.
That's too bad 'cause you're covered for that.
We're covered for wind damage? Any fire or flood associated with the loss? No, we got robbed.
Well, then there's not much I can do.
Although, we at Mutual Farms appreciate your business.
Their slogan was "You're in white hands with Mutual Farms.
" Wait, wait.
What about the meat? I mean, we lost $117.
43 worth of meat.
I'm sorry.
According to our records, you opted out of the meat coverage.
At the time, we didn't have any meat to cover.
So let me get this straight.
You're not paying us for the meat.
You're not paying us for the stereo, but what are we paying you for? Peace of mind.
Peace of mind.
We don't want peace of mind.
We want a piece of furniture.
Well, I understand that, but, uh-- Look here, mister, we have been your customers over 10 years.
This is our first phone call to you.
And believe me, there have been many other problems.
One time it flooded.
Can we call the insurance company now? No.
Now we have a swimming pool.
Another time a plane dropped a load.
Can we call the insurance company now? No way.
Now we have new luggage.
One time, aliens took over.
( screeching softly ) Now can I call the insurance company? No, I've always wanted to go to another planet.
Can't you do something to help? I'll see what I can do.
Mm, peanut butter? He's lucky she didn't pull away any of his teeth.
( growling ) Negrito, bajate, sientate.
What did you call him? What was that? Oh, training the dog in Spanish.
Why? It's part of the attack-dog training.
Like you can only talk to a German shepherd in German or Irish wolfhound in Irish.
This is a Puerto Rican mutt.
Well, I don't care what he speaks, as long as he stays out of my chair and you turn him into a killer.
Bueno.
Que? Nada.
Drew and Tonya finally settled on an activity they could both enjoy: prank phone calls.
Do you have pig's feet? WOMAN: Yes.
Yes, we do.
Well, if you wear shoes, nobody would notice.
( both laugh ) Hello? Uh, is this Mr.
Freely? Uh, Mr.
I.
P.
Freely? ( both laugh ) Hi, uh, I'm just confirming that I have a hundred large pieces ordered to Mr.
Omar's Funeral Home? MAN: I'll check.
Yes, okay.
Thank you.
Tragic.
WOMAN: 911 emergency.
Help! Help! They're choking me! Come here, woman.
Shut up, girl! Stay calm, ma'am.
Come here.
Hey, hey, get back here! While Drew and Tonya made crank calls, the insurance company made the right call.
We got the settlement check from the insurance company.
Let me see.
We're going shopping, baby.
We are going shopping.
"$715.
13" We going shopping, we going shopping.
I didn't just learn Spanish.
I learned about a whole new world.
A world that, ironically, wasn't too different than the world I already knew.
There was a Puerto Rican Kill Moves.
There was a Puerto Rican Doc.
Aqui? There was a Puerto Rican Risky.
Ten dollars.
Gracias.
Okay.
There was even a Puerto Rican Jerome.
Hey, ( speaking in Spanish ) Let me hold un dollar, papa.
Everything was different, but getting robbed still hurt.
Gracias, hermano.
~ I know and you know That if we get together ~ Hey, Carlos.
Hey, mamita.
( speaking in Spanish ) Cómo se llama? Tell her his name.
Oh, his name's Blackie.
Aye, Negrito.
( speaking in Spanish ) Your name.
What's your name? Oh, my name's Chris.
Hola, Chris.
I'm Thalia.
This is my amiga Claudia, y my prima Luz.
CHRIS: This dog was magic.
Girls liked me.
Pretty Puerto Rican girls.
How do you know Carlos? Oh, well, he's teaching me Spanish so I can train Blackie to be a guard dog.
( laughs ) What's so funny? Blackie can't be a guard dog.
Why not? ( sighs ) Gimme that.
Watch this.
Watch this.
Blackie, ataca! Ataca! To y'all that don't speak Spanish, that means "attack.
" ( laughs ) ( speaking in Spanish ) Lassie, go get help.
The Puerto Rican girls are laughing at me.
This dog is a lover, not a fighter.
In fact, Blackie was such a lover, we have to go to commercial right now.
Man, this is like nothing you ever seen before.
All the girls call me "Papi.
" Papi? You're so in there.
Que paso, mami? Nada mucho, papi.
See? That's so cool.
But aren't you supposed to be teaching Blackie to attack intruders? I'm working on it.
This book may help.
"Turn Your Pup into a Perp: Teaching Dogs to Kill.
" Perfect.
I was going to do everything I could to get the attack out of Blackie.
( James Brown's "Living in America" playing ) ( growling ) ~ Super highways Coast to coast ~ ~ Easy to get anywhere ~ ~ On the transcontinental Overload ~ ~ Just slide behind the wheel ~ ~ How does it feel? ~ ~ When there's no destination That's too far ~ Good boy.
~ And somewhere on the way ~ ~ You might find out Who you are ~ CHRIS: Blackie couldn't fly if he was a bald eagle.
~ I feel good ~ There was only one more stop in the Blackie training program.
Okay, so before we leave, he needs to smell all you guys so he knows not to attack you.
Will he attack Mr.
Omar? Oh, oh.
Mr.
Omar.
Okay, so this is my sister Tonya right here.
And this is my brother Drew.
Okay, this is my mom Rochelle right here.
Okay, okay, okay.
Chris, hurry up so I can get to the store before all the good stuff is gone.
And this is my father Julius.
( growls ) Hey And this is Mr.
Omar, my neighbor And what is that? Uh, these belong to some of my lady friends.
I just want to make sure they're safe.
The only dog they have to worry about is you.
Come on, y'all, let's go.
You like that redbone, huh? I figured even if Blackie wasn't a killer, what difference did it make? We'd already been robbed twice.
What were the chances it would happen again? They broke in again?! Everybody get back! Let me go first in case they're still inside.
Hey, uh, give me something to use as a weapon.
Hey, I got a gun! Yeah, it just looks like a frying pan.
They took my bells?! JULIUS: Come on in! I cannot believe this.
Wonder what they took this time.
Hey, at least they didn't take the TV Digest.
It doesn't look like anything is missing.
Maybe Blackie scared 'em off.
I don't think so.
Blackie's gone.
They stole Blackie? I love having a dog, and losing Blackie made me really depressed.
Plus, having the Lassie, Rin Tin Tin, Sounder, Turner & Hooch marathon on TV didn't help.
( knocking ) Move, boy.
Who is it? MAN: Police.
Is this about the robbery? No, our emergency operators traced several prank phone calls back to this number.
ROCHELLE: Prank phone calls? Yes.
Calls to I.
P.
Freely, pizza orders, and finally, a distress call that a woman was getting choked to death.
That's not even funny.
I don't get it.
It's absurdist.
You're not supposed to.
Chris, do you know anything about this? No.
Drew? What? Tonya? Huh? Do y'all know anything about this? About what? About what? About what.
I'm sorry, officer.
This won't happen again.
Trust me.
( door closes ) So y'all like getting choked, huh? Oh, you better run.
You better run as fast as you can.
I thought I'd never see Blackie again.
Blackie, comó estás? How are you? And he thought he'd never seen me before.
Blackie, remember, it's me, Chris, tu amigo? ( growling ) Hey, papi, tranquilo.
Papi, tranquilo.
No, no, no! ( barking ) ~ Todo el mundo odia A Chris ~ ( funky hip-hop theme playing )