Everybody Loves Raymond s01e01 Episode Script


Ray's still out of town covering the Yankees.
Yeah, I know.
He's been gone for four days, and he's 16 minutes late.
- Daddy! - Hey.
- Grab that, Ray.
- All right.
- Where's my present? - Get off there.
Get down.
Come on.
- More.
- Matthew wants more.
Now we got to clean up Aisle 2.
Here you go.
I'll get it.
Gregory's done.
And Matthew's done.
And Ally's done.
Cookie, cookie, and cookie.
- Hi, honey.
- Hi.
Hi, I'm Ray.
I live here in Long Island with my wife, Debra my five-year-old daughter, and twin almost two-year-old boys.
My parents live across the street.
That's right.
The truth is, I'd do anything for my family.
And done.
Oh, no.
Debra! Honey! Somebody call my father! I'm hyperventilating! I don't know how I survived four days by myself.
I know.
Nobody hates going on the road more than me.
- It's miserable for me out there.
- Yeah.
Look at this.
Cal Ripken signed my hat.
That's great.
Look at this.
Gregory spit up on my shirt.
- I'm not trading.
- Okay.
Be happy you're home for my birthday.
That's all I can say.
What? Of course I'm home for your birthday.
Are you kidding? Your birthday is Sunday.
That's right.
- Big party.
- And how old am I gonna be? - I know that.
- Ray, how old? All right.
I just have to backtrack.
Let's see.
When I proposed, you were 23.
- You said no.
- Right.
Then I proposed, you were 24.
No again.
- Then I took a year off to regroup.
- Yeah.
Then I came back with a job.
That would make you - All right, I'll accept that.
- Good, 'cause Big party.
You know what? I don't want the party.
I just want a nice day at home with my favorite husband and my kids.
- Okay? - Okay.
And I guess my parents and my brother, too, right? My parents and my brother? What? Ray, it's just that Look, you know I love them.
They're my family, too.
But I was wondering if, perhaps, we wouldn't have them over on Sunday.
Why not? It's just, honey, every day that you were gone, they dropped by.
And your dad is always waking up the kids and now they don't even call first.
They live across the street.
Why should they call? - It's quicker just to come by.
- I know.
- It's like we're on the way.
- No.
We are the way.
We are where they're going.
You see, now you're exaggerating a little.
You're home! - Hi, Mom.
- Hi.
I saw your car pull up before.
You didn't call.
Hi, Debra.
I brought you some baking soda for your fridge.
I smelled something questionable.
From across the street? No, when I was here yesterday.
- It's worse.
- Come on.
All right.
Ma, listen, we can buy our own baking soda.
I know, sweetie.
But you don't.
What have we here? I'll get you some club soda for that, too.
No, Ma, we have club soda.
You're father finished it.
I'll see you later.
It comes from love.
If you want, maybe I'll talk to my father about it.
While you're talking to him, would you mind mentioning the answering machine? Is he playing back the messages again? I changed the code.
He cracked it.
Hope everyone's doing good, Debra, you ought to call Linda back, She sounds like she's had a very interesting visit to the gyno, That's funny.
You know, it's not for everybody, okay? He's fooling around.
That's what he does.
He's like one of those guys.
What do you call them? An idiot.
But do they have to bring your brother over? My brother lives with them.
He doesn't like staying alone.
He's 40, Ray.
Come on.
He loves the kids.
It's just like The way Robert eats, you know? The way he has to touch every bite to his chin before he puts it in his mouth.
That's weird.
What? That's an idiosyncrasy.
It's like when he's counting and he gets to 12, he has to take his shoes off.
Everybody has those.
How did he ever become a police sergeant? Because he's a good cop, and they didn't make him count.
Or eat.
I don't know, Ray.
It's just that it's every day.
And between them and the kids, I just feel Lucky? I'm home now.
Maybe you need a break.
Why don't you go out with Linda tomorrow? - And leave the kids with your parents? - No.
I'll do the kids.
I can't do that.
How about the time you went to your aunt's for three days? - I took the kids with me.
- Yeah.
But I fed myself.
- All right, which one's Gregory? - That one.
Yeah? This one's Matthew? You're sure about that? All right.
Now we shuffle them.
Come over here.
Let's turn him like this.
Give him a flippety-floo.
Over here.
He comes back over here.
Keeping your eye on them? Okay.
Where is Gregory? Come on.
It's easy.
Which one's Gregory? Don't tell your mother about this.
Leo! Come on.
Hey, sport, how are you doing? Ray, welcome back, man.
What's going on? Look at this.
I've been working on this.
I found a way where I can exercise and watch these guys at the same time.
These are twin flies.
You know what's great about this? Every week their weight naturally increases.
Come on.
Keep it down, Leo.
- I just got them to sleep.
- I'm sorry.
Want to go to Nemo's, get a slice? Leo, my kids aren't fish.
You can't just sprinkle food over their crib and leave.
Call your mother.
I can't.
Debra's got this thing about them coming over too much lately.
I got the club soda.
Hi, Leo.
- Hey, Mrs.
- How are you doing? Would you mind sitting with the kids while Ray and I went out and got some pizza? Not at all.
But where's Debra? She went to the movies with Linda.
- The movies? - Yes.
Some people get to live it up.
You guys go ahead.
Get your pizza.
You deserve it.
You rock, Mrs.
Come on, let's go.
Debra doesn't want me to leave them with out me.
You're leaving them with me.
They're sleeping.
Go with your friend.
I want to, but I can't.
You're worried, you're concerned.
We're all crying buckets here.
Let's go.
It's 8:30.
We'll be gone one hour.
Would you go? Come on.
You're insulting me.
- I raised you, didn't I? - Oh, God, you raised me.
Oh, Frank, Robbie! You scared me! You don't leave a note, you just leave.
We're looking all over for you.
- Where'd you look? - We thought we'd start here.
- Where are the kids? - Oh, no.
They're sleeping.
I just want to see them.
Come on, it's early.
I just want to see the kids.
They can sleep when we go.
You want to see something? A $120 receipt from Victoria's Secret.
Holy crap! What the hell's a bustier? When did he get this? That's an award your brother got for his sports column.
Never ends for Raymond.
Poor Robbie.
Everybody loves Raymond.
I go to work, people shoot at me.
Ray goes to work, people do the wave.
Then he sits down, has a hot dog, doodles on a piece of paper they give him a trophy.
To tell you the truth, I think that Raymond is wasting his life writing sports.
I mean, writers should be writing short stories and poetry.
You think I'm wasting my life? It's different with you, dear.
Look who's up! Oh, no! Ray, you want to watch the game? What are you doing, everybody? Debra's gonna be Okay.
I'm gonna ask you to quickly and quietly move to your nearest exits! - It's the fourth quarter.
- Dad, please.
Buckle up and go! When somebody does you a favor, you're supposed to say, "Thank you.
" Thank you, Mom and Dad.
You're wonderful grandparents.
You're not evil at all.
- Let me just smell their heads once more.
- Dad, please.
It's the fountain of youth.
I'm sucking in that youth.
I'm begging you, Dad, let go of their heads.
I'll give you money.
You want the money? Save your money.
You're gonna need it.
Victoria's not a secret anymore.
- We'll see you Sunday at Debra's party.
- Okay.
Thanks again, Ma.
Nice trophy.
- I was just checking the kids.
- Great.
Still sleeping like logs.
Oh, my gosh! Look at this place.
- What? - It's spotless! - You cleaned up for me.
- Well, you're not the maid.
You are so wonderful.
Listen, I'm just gonna look at the kids real quick, okay? I think I'm having sex.
Good old sex.
I'm gonna do new stuff.
Hi, honey.
What? Why do the boys' heads smell like Old Spice? What? Your father was here, sucking the youth out of their heads again.
And your brother was here, too.
Just found this Fruit Loop on Matthew's chin.
Are you gonna tell me what happened here, or do I have to call your parents? No! Please don't call the parents.
I put them to sleep, and my mother came over, and then I went out with Leo.
What? You left the kids with your mom? - No, my father and brother were here, too.
- What? I got rid of them, and then I did some cleaning.
You notice the cleaning down there.
Why did they have to be here? What was so important that you had to go out for? Pizza.
Did you see the mess? You should have seen it.
They woke the kids up.
What? The pizza wasn't even good.
You told me that you were going to stay and watch the kids.
I know, but- - But what, Ray? - I don't know.
I'll tell you one thing, your folks are not coming over on Sunday.
That is my birthday, and I should be allowed one day of peace without them.
You know what? I want you to call and tell them that that's what we want.
They need to get the message that we have our own lives and we're entitled to a little privacy! You're right.
You're absolutely right.
- So you'll tell them? - I can't do that.
What is this hold they have on you? I'm just asking you for me.
Please, can we celebrate my birthday alone? I can't uninvite them.
You can't? Then maybe I won't be there.
No, stop it.
Don't sleep on the couch! I just cleaned down there.
- Raymond, come in, honey.
- Hi, Mom.
Your brother's working and your father's out buying one of those bowls for your toilet.
So I got the whole house to myself.
- Is that my large fork? - Yeah, it is.
That's why I came by here.
I wanted to return this.
I didn't want to say anything, but that happens to be a very good fork.
I know.
That's why it took so long.
I love it.
Listen, Ma, I wanted to talk to you about Debra's birthday.
My God, talk about birthdays.
Your birthday gift to me finally came this morning.
- Did you know you sent me a box of pears? - Yeah.
- From a place called Fruit-of-the-Month? - That's right.
How are they? They're very nice pears.
But there are so many of them.
There are over a dozen pears.
What am I supposed to do with all those pears? - I think you're supposed to eat them.
- Myself? You and Dad and Robert.
How many pears can Robert eat? I appreciate the thought, but please, don't ever send us any more fruit again.
Another box is coming next month.
What? More pears? No.
It's a different fruit every month.
Every month? Yes.
That's why they call it Fruit-of-the-Month Club.
It's a club? Oh, my God! What do I do with all this fruit? Most people like it, Ma! You share it with all your friends.
- Which friends? - I don't know.
Lee and Stan.
Lee and Stan buy their own fruit.
- Give it to- - Why did you do this to me? My God! I can't talk.
There's too much fruit in the house! What is happening? - I'm sorry, Ma.
- Hey, Marie.
Do you know that the fruit keeps coming month after month? He's got us in some kind of a cult.
It's not a cult, it's a club.
What do you mean, month after month? For how long? A year.
My God, are you out of your mind? Sorry.
I'm so sorry, Dad.
What do you think we are? Invalids? We can't go out and get our own fruit? I tried to tell him.
All right, I'm canceling the fruit club! Oh, good.
Thank you, Raymond.
And don't do that again.
Like we don't have enough problems! Listen, I got to talk about the party.
- The party.
- Yes.
I was thinking - There isn't gonna be a party.
- Who's dead? Nobody's dead, Dad.
We're not gonna have a party.
You got to have a party.
I baked.
I've never heard of such a thing.
We're not having a party because I'm surprising Debra.
I'm taking her to Bear Mountain.
- Bear Mountain? - That's right.
I want to do something special for her.
This is a surprise, so you can't go telling her anything.
Thank you very much.
I'm going to go.
Just one minute now.
- It's a long trip to Bear Mountain.
Take fruit.
- Okay, thanks.
Raymond gets the pears, too? They all went down for a nap.
This is over the top.
It's the best birthday I have ever had.
- What are you doing? - Letting in the light.
It's still your birthday, though.
We want to have a nice cozy birthday.
Isn't that cozy? I know what you're up to.
- You do? - Yeah.
Come here.
Yeah, this is what I'm up to.
I thought this only happened on my birthday.
Ray, I'm so glad you set your parents straight.
Doesn't it feel good to be honest with them? It does feel good.
Not as good as this, though.
You were 100% right.
I don't know what I was afraid of.
- What are you doing here? - What are you doing here? We live here.
We thought you were in Bear Mountain.
Bear Mountain? Who told you that? Raymond.
You want to holster the weapon, Rob? Okay, I lied.
I lied to everybody.
- I was trying to make everybody happy.
- Nice job.
I should have known better.
Why did Especially with my parents, the only people who treat a box of fruit like it's plutonium.
I chickened out.
I made a mistake.
All right, look.
The truth is Debra wanted us to have a day to ourselves.
And me, too.
But Debra's the one.
She's got it very hard around here, though she's never said that to me.
I've noticed it.
Like Dad.
I know you try to be funny, but Like with the twins.
Maybe you shouldn't say: "I think little Matthew has homosexual tendencies.
" And, Ma, you can't be so critical.
If you're going to be critical, could you please call before you come so we could be ready for it? Both of you.
Could you both call? We have to prepare.
There's bills and receipts we hide, and then we chant a little.
Now listen, we love you both, but this is our house and Debra's my wife.
And if you can't accept what I'm telling you then you can't come over here anymore.
Unless you call first.
- That's it.
I think I did it all.
- What? This has nothing to do with me.
Robert, could you try not to eat near the kids? If you just wanted a day to yourself, all you had to do is say so.
We'd understand.
Of course we'd understand.
What's not to understand? - When did he get so sensitive? - He's a writer.
Happy birthday.
- I'm shaking.
- Honey, you were just great.
Come here.
Maybe you should put on that bustier.
What are you doing? We'll try again on my birthday.
- Look at our boys.
Pretty cute, huh? - Yeah, they are.
But, you know, I hope they stay cute.
What? I've been thinking, that's the danger of identical twins.
They're cute now because they're babies, but when they become adults even if they're slightly ugly, that's gonna be magnified.
'Cause if you see one slightly ugly man walk across the room, that's no big deal if you see the same ugliness right behind him, yeah.
That you're gonna notice.
You're gonna go: "Hey, I didn't think he was that ugly until I saw it again.
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