Everybody Loves Raymond s01e11 Episode Script

Captain Nemo

- What are you doing? - I'm emptying the dishwasher.
Got that game tonight.
Didn't want to leave you with everything.
Honey that's sweet.
These are all dirty.
- Thanks for trying.
- All right.
Go have a good time.
Why did you have to go say that? - All I said was I have a good time.
- Yeah.
You don't think I know what that means? I know - I have to go to my game tonight.
- Yes I understand.
You are relentless.
You think I want to go? I don't want to.
I want to stay home with you and the kids.
Last thing I want to do is go to an elementary schooI gym tonight.
- Open in the paint.
- He sees him.
Step back lady.
Barone! Don't bring that trash in here.
You should know better than that.
I didn't go sky.
- I don't even have to jump.
- I didn't go full sky yeah.
Honey I'll be home as soon as I can.
Hi I'm Ray and I live here in Long Island with my wife Debra.
She's great with the kids the house everything.
I don't know how she does it.
We've got a daughter Ally and twin two-year-old boys.
It's not really about the kids.
My parents live across the street.
That's right.
And my brother lives with them.
Now not every family would go by on a conveyor belt for you but mine would because- Everybody loves Raymond.
They're killing us.
Where's the escape hatch? I just don't know.
It's like playing the Globetrotters.
I'm waiting for Meadowlark to pull my pants down.
No drinks.
Let's go.
Come on sit down.
What are we eating? Shake it up come on! You guys blow.
How can we be losing to Bed Bath and Beyond? They shouldn't even be in the Pizza League.
If we don't pick it up in the second half it's arrivederci playoffs.
Kevin know what I'd love to try once? Getting into a game.
You know what we got to do? We got to go to a zone.
- No.
- Yeah a zone.
You'll like the zone.
You will not have to run.
No no zone.
As long as I'm Nemo's captain what I say goes.
That's right.
He's right.
We need a new captain.
Who wants the job? I do.
Good luck finding someone with my leadership abilities my patience my people skills you candy-assed morons.
How about Ray as captain? Yeah Ray£¡Raygele£¡Sure.
I'll do it.
I'd like to give it a shot.
I think I can do it.
Why don't we open it up to a little discussion? Okay.
How about Robert? Yes.
He's tall£¡ What about discussing it? You guys really want me? Sure you're tall.
Look how frigging tall you are£¡ So Robert it is.
You sure you're up to this? 'Cause you know I'll do it if you don't want to.
Come on Ray.
Share his joy.
All right Robert's one way to go if you want to go with Robert.
Obviously we all want to go with Robert.
Second half.
What's the lineup Captain? Robert£¡ All right£¡Okay.
Starting the second half it's going to be me you you you and you.
All right.
What about me? How can I not start the second half? I don't want to be accused of nepotism.
Catch the fever£¡ Okay.
Ray just got home.
Yeah that would be great Charlie.
Okay bye.
Charlie's having a birthday party for Sam.
Saturday at the Happy Zone.
We're all invited.
That's great.
The Happy Zone.
What's the matter honey? Did you lose? No we won.
I see.
And you're sad for the other team? I didn't play the whole second half.
Robert got elected captain and he didn't put me in.
- That's great.
- What's great? You know that Robert gets to be captain.
And if he doesn't play you then you won't have to go so much and you could spend some more time with us.
See? It's good news.
It's all good news for me.
What's the matter? Don't you want to spend more time with us? I do.
You know I do.
Aren't you happy Robert got elected captain? Yes I'm happy.
Everything's working out great for me.
Oh my God.
You want to be captain.
- No I don't.
- Yes you do.
- I do not.
- Look at you.
I don't want to be captain.
It's the stupid Pizza League.
Those guys don't have a life.
I have a big life.
You really want this bad don't you? No.
I have you I have Ally I have MichaeI Geoffrey.
That's everybody right? Yeah.
Should be.
Listen I don't get this.
You work all the time and you have to go on road trips and when you come back you run off and play.
And now you got to be captain.
Listen I've been playing with these guys since high schooI and we've never come close to winning a championship.
This time we're close.
And if I can be captain I know we can go all the way.
And winning is more important than spending time with your family? Apples and oranges.
No Ray.
Apples or oranges.
You know I gave up some stuff when we had kids.
I know.
Did it have to be sex? I'm just trying to do it all that's all.
Okay you go ahead and try to do it all.
I just think that you're choosing quantity over quality.
Myself obviously representing quality.
Quality is job one.
- That's right.
- Okay Quality.
Robert doesn't want to play me and they don't want me as captain.
Who needs them? I can't get out of tomorrow's game but I'm going to blow off Saturday's.
That's right.
Take me to the Happy Zone.
Let me at that whack-a-mole.
There he is come on.
Ray that was a great thing you did.
Not lock the door? You stepped aside and let your brother be captain.
Look at him.
Captain Robert Barone.
Dad don't call me that.
I'm the same Robert I've always been.
We're really happy for you.
- Thank you.
- Isn't that right Ray? I share his joy.
Come on get up.
The Barone boys.
Continuing a long legacy of athletic excellence.
Well I couldn't have done it without Ray.
Always glad to help.
No fatty foods£¡ We've got games tomorrow and Saturday.
I want the team to be lean and mean not soft and gooshy.
Don't touch my goosh.
Let's hear it for my firstborn.
A leader of men.
And my second son a loyaI follower.
Killed them£¡Yeah£¡ Oh my God.
Gentlemen that was a disgrace.
I'm embarrassed to be in the same children's locker room with you.
Robert we won.
Yeah we were lucky.
I consider this a moraI defeat.
I'll tell you something else Nemo's Pizzeria should have destroyed Woolhoff's Chinese Takeout.
Robert just take it easy all right? Calm down Paul Bunyan.
Smokes guy come here.
- All right.
- Give me that.
Wanna see what I think of your lung rocket? Look at that.
Okay smoke it now.
He's a maniac.
You ought to see him with a birthday cake.
That's enough out of you too.
I didn't see you helping out there tonight.
- I only played for two minutes.
- Yeah and we won.
Good point.
Robert I come here to play okay? I got three kids.
If I'm not going to play I could be home pulling a waffle out of the VCR.
- At least when I was captain it was fun.
- Yeah.
Are you guys unhappy with me? You scare me.
All right.
I guess that I'm the target of some backstage grumblings.
You're letting the captain thing go to your head.
That's all you care about is this ¡°Captain.
¡± Captain Nemo.
I got to tell you nobody likes you this way.
Maybe the captain thing is just too much.
Et tu, Raymond? Come on don't do that stuff.
I quit.
Come on we need you.
- We need you you're - You're so frigging huge£¡ How'd it go? Robert quit the team.
- That is terrible.
- Yeah.
He got a little drunk with power and the guys turned on him.
- He kind of left in a bad way.
- Poor Robert.
So that kind of affects our trip to the Happy Zone Saturday.
We don't have to take Robert with us do we? No but we can't take me with us either.
Come on.
You said you were going to blow off the game on Saturday.
That was when I wasn't playing.
- Who says you have to play? - The new captain.
Who's he? Me.
Why? My God what happened? Not a good game.
This is my new job.
I'm a coaster now.
Where does it hurt? I think I pulled a liver.
- Here come on.
- Easy slow.
- All right.
- Slower.
- Easy just watch it.
- I'm trying.
- Move the pillows.
- All right.
- Did you win at least? - No.
It was awfuI.
Never mind.
How was your day? Gosh Ray the kids were so cute at the Happy Zone.
We had a great time.
- Where are they? Are they sleeping? - Yeah.
- I missed them? - Yeah.
You should have seen them.
They were in the ball pit and this big 7-year-old comes over and he starts throwing balls at the twins.
And Ally says ¡°Those are my brothers.
¡± And she runs over and knocks the kid down.
- She knocked down a boy? - A big guy.
She gave him this hip check like Mark Messier.
I thought she was going to pull his shirt over his head.
She was so cute.
Oh God.
Did you film it? No because you're the video guy.
I was busy dry heaving.
What else did I miss? Double-chocolate fudge cake.
And I hate to tell you this but MichaeI said his first word today.
Come on no£¡ Yeah we were driving along the expressway and this truck cuts us off.
Well you know what you always say when that happens to you? - He said that? - Clear as a bell.
Oh God£¡ How did he say it? Did he punch it out like I do? Ray it was as if you were in the car.
God I can't believe I missed that.
Well you're very busy having it all.
You're bound to miss some things.
But I'll tell you what - tomorrow if we all wanna go together- - I can't tomorrow.
- What? - I got the playoffs tomorrow.
Playoffs now right? This stuff never ends.
This is why I became the captain.
To lead us through the playoffs so we can win it.
Win what? What are you actually winning? Maybe you'll understand when you see a big trophy sitting right over there.
Oh my God the trophy.
You're right.
I forgot about the trophy.
Is it shiny? Don't worry I'll make it up to you.
Everything's going to be okay.
I'm the captain.
You are some brother.
- Hi Ma.
- Don't ¡°Ma¡± me.
I finally got it out of Robert.
He's been sitting over there for two days depressed moping not talking to anyone.
And you know why? Because he's Robert? Because his brother sold him down the river for his own glory.
Ma you want to hear what MichaeI said today? No I think you're about to hear it again.
- Look I didn't do anything.
- No? You dethroned him and then you took his crown.
You're like Richard III.
Or that guy on The Young and the Restless.
He did it to himself.
The team was right.
You would put a basketball team before your family? You don't understand.
He was out of controI.
He was yelling he wouldn't listen to anybody.
He screamed and then he stormed out.
That's nonsense£¡Who the hell in this family acts like that? You better get over there and make your brother feeI better or the next time I come over I won't be so nice.
Well somebody needs a trip to the Happy Zone.
- Is Mom here? - She's upstairs hitting my speed bag.
How's the team? We really missed you out there Rob.
You ought to come back.
You guys want me back? Yeah sure.
You're the best player out there.
We need you.
So you're asking me to be captain? No.
I'm still going to be captain.
You are a piece of work.
Come on.
Don't you see it's still in the family.
It's just like you are captain only I'm captain.
Won't that be cozy? Jus think about it.
You come back and you help us win the championship the whole team will be happy.
And you won't be mad anymore so Mom will be happy.
You can help me with some of the lesser captaining responsibilities and I can spend more time with my family.
Then they'll be happy.
So once again you get everything.
No that's not everything.
That's like four things.
Thanks for thinking of me but I'm just going to have to pass.
You can't pass.
We can't do it without you.
Come on.
You're the missing link.
I've heard that before.
I'll tell you what just come back for the playoffs and next year I'll make sure you're captain I promise.
I appreciate it but I'm just going to have to pursue another option.
Another option? With who? Woolhoff's Chinese Takeout.
They put a very lovely offer on the table.
Kung pao? - Morning Mommy.
- Hi honey.
Where's Daddy? He's in the shower singing.
He's terrible.
Look it's Daddy's posse.
- Morning Debra.
Where's the Captain? - We got a lot of problems.
No kidding.
Ray will be down in a minute.
Hey boys.
You going to finish this? Kev come on.
Do you mind? It's his breakfast.
He's not eating it.
Look he spit it all out.
You know Ray will be down in a second okay? I'm sorry.
Can I have some juice please? Can't believe you're not married Andy.
I just haven't met Miss Right.
You know anybody? I'll let them all know that you're looking.
Mommy that man's smoking.
- Dave what are you doing? - Sorry.
Where are my manners? Would you like one? You know what? Why don't you guys just go on up? I'm sure Ray will be happy to see you.
After all he is your captain.
- How's your sister doing? - Just go.
Honey do you want to talk about what you just saw? Camptown ladies sing that song Doo-dah, doo-dah - What have you got going in there? - What are you doing? - We need to talk to you.
- Wait£¡ Oh no£¡Who's in my shower? Get out of here.
Tartar controI.
What are you doing? What do you want? You screwed up the orders for the playoff uniforms.
- I didn't.
- What style number did you order? I don't know.
- I told you I'm a 70.
- All right.
So what's the difference? Nothing.
- Give me a toweI.
- Am I going to play tonight? I need to know.
I was thinking about bringing a girI to the game.
- All right I'll play you.
- Then I'm telling her not to come.
This is why you guys are up here bothering me? What do you think we just came up here to watch you buff yourself to a high sheen? Yeah funny.
I'll take care of everything.
Do me a favor and get out of here£¡ - Nice nipples£¡ - These come in chewable.
- Get out of here.
- Don't forget the uniforms.
- Who's starting tonight? - The guys who aren't in my bathroom.
Yeah all right.
Kevin come on.
What are you crazy? Meanos.
Want some more French toast? - Yes thank you Mommy.
- You're welcome.
What did you send in the stooges to the shower for? Bunch of idiots.
They can't handle anything.
- You okay honey? - Yeah.
Listen I screwed up the uniforms.
I got to go do the uniforms now.
I got to make sure the gym's open.
All the big important things a captain's got to do.
- So I'll see you later all right? - See you.
- Bye Daddy.
- Bye cutie.
MichaeI don't say anything dirty untiI I get back.
Can you get that? You want some help? Here let me spread that.
Look at all that syrup.
Is syrup your favorite thing? You like that? What's your favorite breakfast? Jam and bread.
That's what I thought.
What are you doing? I just retired.
What about the team? Don't worry about the team.
I'll tell them there's a better offer on the table.
Any more French toast? I'd love some.
Thank you Captain.
Yeah I'm a born leader.
Wasn't that better than basketball? I think I sweat about the same.
I wonder how the guys are doing right now.
All right guys as your captain I just want to say look don't get too down on yourselves all right? We did the best we could.
But for whatever reason we just didn't match up tonight.
Two, four, six, eight Who do we appreciate? Nemo's, Nemo's Yeah, Nemo's!
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