Everybody Loves Raymond s01e19 Episode Script

The Dog

I'm looking for Kristi Yamaguchi.
Thank you.
- Hi Kristi.
- Hi Ray.
Come on in.
Do you mind doing the interview in here? No.
It's just a little weird.
I've never been in a women's locker room before.
Once in seventh grade.
The guys pushed me in but that was only for a second.
- All right.
I'll just sit here.
- Okay.
It's been a big deaI for female reporters going into male locker rooms.
I know how they feeI now.
So let's just start.
Kristi Olympic gold medaI world championship the cover of People magazine What's next for you? You have an outie I would've taken you for an innie.
Hi I'm Ray and I live here in Long Island with my wife Debra.
She's great with the kids the house everything.
I don't know how she does it.
We've got a daughter Ally and twin two-year-old boys.
It's not really about the kids.
My parents live across the street.
That's right.
And my brother lives with them.
Now not every family would go by on a conveyor belt for you but mine would because- Everybody loves Raymond.
Hey anybody home? Debra? Come on buddy.
Are you nervous? Don't be nervous.
They're gonna love you.
I'll tell you what I'll do all the talking okay? Come here.
Did you eat yet? Are you hungry? Let's see what we've got.
Lasagna baked beans Chicken Lo Mein.
Hold on.
This is Debra's meatloaf.
Here do me favor.
- Ray have you seen Geoffrey? - No.
Well look a dog.
Yeah I see that Ray.
Why is he here eating my meatloaf? Because it's so good.
- What are you doing with a dog Ray? - He followed me home.
You wanna play with him? Go ahead.
Play with him? Ray I can't even find one of my own children.
That's because they're walking now.
I told you all that crawling would lead to no good.
Here he is.
I got him.
So what do you think? What should we name him? Are you kidding me Ray? We can't keep him.
Besides he belongs to somebody.
There's no tag no collar.
He could've been born in the wild.
Yeah those herds of wild bulldogs.
I thought you liked dogs.
Ray come on.
I love dogs but in case you haven't noticed the last thing that we need around here is something else that eats and poops.
All right I'll stop doing one of those.
Ally it's dinnertime honey.
For the kids it would be great.
A pet.
Ally already has a hamster.
Don't use that.
A hamster.
Come on you can't play catch with a hamster.
You can but the hamster doesn't look forward to it.
What's that? Look sweetie.
It's a doggie.
Isn't he great? He smells.
She says that about the twins and we keep them.
Ray you can't be serious.
Come on why would you want a dog now? Not a dog.
This dog.
When I was five I had a bulldog just like this guy.
My brother got it for his first Communion.
- A bulldog? - Yeah.
It was a personality thing.
Robert loved that dog.
He named him Shamsky after his favorite ballplayer.
- Art Shamsky.
- Right.
Shamsky was great.
Once we dressed him in Mom's nightgown with a wig and lipstick.
My mom came home and Dad was dancing with him.
- Then we had to give him away.
- Yeah? Why is that? I had allergies.
I don't have allergies anymore.
Ray he's not our dog.
- We can keep him untiI we find the owner.
- Yeah£¡ All right.
Put out flyers and take an ad out in the paper and all that.
I'll do it.
I'll do everything.
I promise.
You won't have to do anything.
- You just enjoy him.
- Thank you.
Go around me.
That noise is driving me nuts.
All right.
I'll sleep on my side.
The dog.
That stupid toy you gave it.
All right.
I got it.
I'm on it.
Don't worry.
It's just his first night here that's all.
Remember how you were on our first night? Come on boy.
Give me the toy.
Let go of it boy.
Come on.
This obviously isn't about the toy is it? There are some deeper issues here.
Give me the- I got it.
Okay all right.
Good doggie.
That's all.
No big deaI.
He just needs a little love that's all.
That's all anybody needs.
A little love.
Ray your lover is at the door.
Just keep quiet.
He'll calm down.
See? That's a good doggie.
Mommy£¡ We're rich.
The dog can talk.
Yes we might have your dog.
What kind is it? A collie.
You know what? Why don't you take this dog? Yeah because he's very smart.
Maybe he can help find your dog.
Well thanks anyway.
That's it.
That's all.
No more calls.
We have a winner.
We haven't slept in three nights.
You know why the owners haven't showed up? Because they're asleep Ray.
We can't keep him.
I love him.
I love him like an incredibly ugly son.
Listen Ray I understand.
Believe me I do.
But think about it I'm just swamped as it is you know? Maybe when the kids are a little bit older.
You guys have any Maalox or something? What's the matter? Did you eat something bad? I'm a cop and I live with my parents.
I'm on a steady diet of human suffering.
Whose dog? - I found him.
- But we're getting rid of him.
Robert? It's just that he looks so familiar.
Get him the Maalox.
Go get him the Maalox.
Hello puppy.
Where'd you learn to kiss like that? What is it? - You heard me.
- No I'm not giving Robert my dog.
It's a perfect match.
He needs a dog and you need not to have a dog.
But I have a dog.
We bonded.
We have something speciaI.
More speciaI than that? Give daddy some sugar.
He's picking up my scent on Robert.
Listen this is the right thing do to.
Give this dog to Robert.
I don't wanna give Robert my dog.
Come on.
- Got a hell of a dog here Raymond.
- Yeah.
Know who he reminds me of? Shamsky.
- Yeah.
- He was a hell of a pooch wasn't he? He used to follow me everywhere.
And one day I came home from schooI Shamsky wasn't there.
Of course Mom tried to make me feeI better.
She told me he got hit by a car.
But I knew what really happened.
That's okay Raymond.
I'm not blaming you.
It's not your fault you had allergies.
Yeah well I don't have allergies anymore.
Give me some sugar too there.
- He's cooI isn't he? - Yeah he's great.
You're a lucky man Raymond.
Lucky man.
It's a funny thing but to this day I can't even look at a leather snap without getting all choked up.
- Robert wait.
- What? Why don't you take the dog? What are you saying? You mean you'd want me to have him? Yeah he likes you.
We can't have a dog.
We've got a hamster and he's nuts.
He likes you.
Just be setting myself up for more hurt.
You know every time I get attached to something I just get burned.
First dog my first wife first lawyer after my first wife - All right.
If that's how you feeI- - That's how I feeI.
What the hell? Life's too short.
Come on boy£¡ They're all asleep.
This is from the kids.
- How about from you? - Hasn't come in yet.
- What's this? - That's a gift from your brother.
Robert gave me a present? Wow look at this.
Oh my God It's a Titleist putter.
Yeah isn't that sweet? Since you gave him that dog he's a different person.
A better person.
- You did a very good thing Ray.
- Yeah.
It always bothered me that Robert had to give away his first dog because of me.
Feels good to do the right thing.
Did he drop any balls off with this? - Hi.
- Hello.
- Can I help you? - I believe you have my dog? Your dog? - Phyllis? - Debra.
I can't believe this.
- You know her? - Yeah.
Ray this is Phyllis.
From the salon where I get my haircut.
She shampoos me.
It's very fluffy.
So this is your dog? I can't tell you how upset I've been.
I left town for a couple of weeks and came back to find that the gardener had let him out.
You know he's a prize-winning stud.
- I'm surprised he has to work as a gardener.
- The dog Ray.
He's a great champion.
I've been breeding him for years.
Where is he? Come on in Phyllis.
Maybe I can explain this.
Explain what? Where's Baron? Is he all right? No he's fine.
Let me ask you something.
Do you know the ballplayer Art Shamsky? Art Shamsky has my dog? No he's retired.
But my brother- Your dog's just across the street playing with Ray's brother.
- We'll get him right back.
- Right back? Yes.
Here have a seat Phyllis.
Yeah we'll go get him back.
Ray was just on his way over there now.
How can I do this to Robert again? I know.
But look at her Ray.
She's waiting for her dog okay? It's her whole life.
You've got to go get the dog now.
He gave me a putter.
Wait till you see these toys I got for that dog.
I already bought him some today.
Yeah? Did you get him the chewy phone? Those phones are a waste of money.
I got him the squeaky hydrant.
There's no comparison.
You know nothing about dogs.
Look at this.
- Fun.
This is fun.
- Oh please.
Come on.
Let go of that.
Maybe he needs to go out.
Hey Raymond.
How you doing? - Hey Robert.
How are you? - Great.
Watch this.
Okay spread them.
You have the right to remain silent.
Good boy.
Ain't he great? Yeah he's great.
And he ain't the only one.
My brother.
Look at them Frank.
It's so sweet to see you two getting along lately.
It's like old times.
Frank go get the moving picture camera.
The whole family's here.
Those lights are so damn heavy.
It's a speciaI occasion.
I know where it is.
Come on.
All right.
There might still be some film left from when we brought Ray home from the hospitaI.
That's a good boy Shamsky.
- You named him Shamsky? - Actually Shamsky II.
Robert the owner came by today.
What? Listen I don't know what to say.
The owner? Just forget about it.
I'm gonna tell her that he ran away or something.
Give him to her.
I know what it's like to lose a dog.
I'm sorry.
Okay everybody smile.
Come on.
Where's the dog? Where's Ray? - What's going on here? We're wasting film.
- Cut Dad.
Shamsky's owner showed up today.
- I had to give him back.
- No.
He was such a sweet dog.
You gave him back? What about the $200 we just spent to have him fixed? - Hi.
- Hi.
Here he is.
Where's the lady? She's putting on some makeup.
She wants to look nice for Baron.
- How'd it go over there? - It was great.
I went there he was playing with the dog and I said ¡°Hey Robert.
¡± And then I reached into his chest and pulled his heart out.
Ray what happened over there? What do you mean? I told you.
This is not the same dog anymore.
What are you talking about? Of course it's the same dog.
Look closely Ray.
- Yeah.
- The other end.
Doesn't he look a little lighter to you? Ray he's been fixed.
- Get out of here.
Come on are you sure? - Yeah.
- Maybe he's a little chilly.
- No.
- Shy? - No.
- He wasn't always like that? - Trust me he wasn't.
- How do you know? - Because I noticed.
You noticed? What are you noticing that for? I didn't notice.
Ray you don't notice when I get a new pair of earrings and those are hanging off my face.
I would notice if your ears were missing.
God£¡ Those maniacs.
Ray what were they doing over there? Oh my God.
It was probably my mother's idea.
This is sort of a hobby of hers.
Baron let me look at you£¡ We are so happy for you.
We are happy.
Thank you.
I won't take up any more of your time.
Thank you so much for all you've done.
You don't know what it's like to be separated from something you treasure so much.
I'm sure Baron feels the same way.
I just thought I'd bring his toys by.
Isn't that sweet? Say thank you Baron.
Baron? Well goodbye now.
And thanks again.
All right.
Maybe she won't notice.
Debra the woman breeds dogs.
The subject's gonna come up sooner or later.
All right look£¡I don't know who did it.
I don't care who did it.
AII I know is that my dog is ruined and someone's gotta pay.
Phyllis we'll try to explain.
I don't want explanations.
I want cash.
This dog is worthless now.
- Worthless? - He's still a delightfuI companion.
Companion my ass.
He was good for one thing and now he's broken.
Don't talk about him like that.
Look I'd like to buy the dog from you.
Okay? For my brother.
- No you don't have to.
- No.
I want to do this Robert okay? This is for both Shamskys.
It's the least I can do.
How much will you take for him? $2000.
- $2000.
- He's a prize-winning stud.
Not anymore.
Thank you.
Wait a minute.
Give me those.
I could have got 4000 hamsters.
How do you like that grip? The grip's good.
It's bottom-heavy the club.
I like that.
- That's a good putt.
- Yeah.
This was a much harder shot before you know
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