Everybody Loves Raymond s02e13 Episode Script

Civil War

- How about tomorrow? - No, tomorrow's no good.
I'll be Christmas shopping all day.
I'm gonna be exhausted.
What about Monday? No, Monday is no good.
I'm interviewing Parcells after the Jets-Raiders.
Ray, when do you want to make this appointment? Well, I'm not the one who cancelled the last two appointments.
Daddy, what's an appointment? Well, an appointment is when two people decide to meet.
Like going to the dentist.
So sleeping with me is like going to the dentist.
You both say the same thing: "Sit back, relax, you won't feeI a thing.
" Hi, I'm Ray, and I live here in Long Island with my wife, Debra my 6-year-old daughter and twin 2-year-old boys.
My parents live across the street.
That's right.
And my brother lives with them.
Now, not every family would defy gravity for you but mine would because Everybody loves Raymond.
Hey, you didn't Sammy! Not the flanneI pajamas.
- What? - What the When you come to bed wearing that silky thing I know I have a chance, but flanneI pajamas You might as well be wearing a porcupine suit.
- I'm so tired, Ray.
- Yes, but we had an appointment.
See the rocket ship? I don't know, it's just that I have been Christmas shopping all day then I just got the twins down, and I'm just not in the mood.
You don't have to be in the mood.
I mean, just start and you can get in the mood.
It's like you're invited to a party you don't want to go to, so you figure: "I'm just gonna stop by, say hello.
" When you get there, the next thing you know you're swinging at the pinata, wearing a hat.
I'm not going to the party, Ray.
You can't just not go.
At least send a gift.
You know, it's not always me.
What about last week when I was in the mood and you weren't? When was that? Wednesday.
You were watching TV, I asked you to give me a back rub.
Yeah, you gave me one of these one-handed deals.
Wait a minute.
You asked for a back rub and that means Mr.
Smith goes to Washington? Come on.
Why didn't you say something? What am I supposed to say? "Come on, you want some? Let's do it.
" I would love it if you talked like that.
You know, after all these years, you still have no idea, do you? Look, I know you have to be in the mood but can't you just, this once, think like a man? I am.
I'm completely disregarding your feelings.
You tell Mr.
Smith that.
I don't know why it has to be so hard, Andy, you know? I mean, we're married for eight years.
It should get easier.
It should be, "You awake?" I'm the wrong guy to talk to about women.
Even my fantasies just want to be friends.
- Hi, guys.
- Hey, Erin.
Hey, Erin, you're a woman.
- Thanks.
- Come here.
Have a seat.
We gotta talk to you about something.
Don't, Andy.
No, it's okay, I'll talk to him.
It's Christmas.
Thank you, Erin.
Our question is this: Why can't I score? What the hell's with you people? Why do women look at me like I'm some kind of homunculus? This is the big mystery? No, Ray has a question.
Go ahead and ask her what you were asking me.
I wasn't asking.
I was complaining.
- Go ahead.
- No, I don't want to.
How come you don't like it as much as we do? Who says we don't like it? We just prefer to be in the mood first.
Okay, stop right there.
The mood.
Just give me directions to the mood.
And keep in mind that I live further away than he does.
All right.
You know, listen, I can help you.
All you have to know is that, for a woman it's all about intimacy: holding hands, kissing, talking.
Right, I know all that.
But when you're married with three kids, you got no time for that.
You got shortcuts? I thought marriage was a shortcut.
You've already got her in the house No, there are no shortcuts.
Put in the time.
A woman says, "Before I sleep with you, I want to feeI close to you.
" And I say, "You will feeI very close to me when you are sleeping with me.
" That's the problem with you guys.
You think that the mushy stuff is over at the wedding.
We still want the mushy stuff.
Why can't you try a little? I'm trying.
What do you want? Some caring, some consideration.
Did you ever try being creative? God, look at you! Tuck in your shirts.
Okay, thank you.
Thanks for your help.
That's the way it is.
You asked my advice as a woman.
I'm telling you: You got to try harder.
Come on.
Check it out.
Very nice.
We're still just friends.
You better watch out You better watch out What is this? That's just an early Christmas present for a good little girI.
That's sweet.
What is it? It's Magic Hands.
I thought I'd get you this now that I know what "rub your back" means.
Isn't that considerate? Boy, Ray, you are just so transparent - That's not bad.
- Yeah, it's good.
- Yeah.
- I tried it.
- That's good.
Right there.
- There? Oh, yes.
Yes, Raymond.
You just called me Raymond.
Well, this is about to be a speciaI occasion.
- Ray, it's caught in my hair.
- All right, easy.
Don't pull.
- Don't pull it! - Stop moving.
I can't get it out if you're moving.
- You turn that thing off! - Stop moving! I'm still attached.
All right.
You're pulling on my hair.
It looks good on you, though.
On a cold and gray Chicago morn And another baby child is born in the ghetto In the ghetto And his mama cries 'Cause there's one thing that she don't need It's another hungry little mouth to feed In the ghetto People, don't you come and see - Hey.
- Hi.
What? Nothing.
I just got a little shiver.
Want me to turn up the heat? Not that kind of shiver.
You gave me a shiver.
- Me? - Yeah.
You just look kind of sexy.
What? You know, with the sweeper, and Sweeper? That's what does it for you? No, but just watching you play with the kids this morning and then wearing these silly boxers that they gave you I don't know, just the fact that you're my husband, you take care of us and the whole picture.
Sweeping just put it over the top.
What are you doing to me here? - What? You're killing me! - I wanted to let you knowhow I was feeling.
You can't kiss me like that.
It's Christmas.
- Ally's up.
My parents are coming over now.
- I'm sorry.
You've activated the launch sequence now.
What? Merry Christmas! Nice.
We usually hang ours on the door.
You made me wear this dumb sweater.
Ray's not even wearing pants.
I guess I'll go put clothes on.
Yeah, I'll stir my eggs.
No, keep that on.
That's your Christmas sweater.
It's the sweater or the pants, Marie.
Something's coming off.
Look at this.
My K9 Kringle police dog ornament buried at the bottom of the tree.
That's typicaI.
No, it doesn't look good.
- It looks terrible up there.
- Why? Because of the two wooden ornaments.
You gotta have something shiny in-between.
Who gives a flying squirreI about the ornaments? The lights are all wrong.
Forget the lights.
Look at these garlands.
You can't just throw them on.
You've got to drape them.
I paid $15 for this ornament.
They told me they loved it.
- Look out.
- You look out.
Okay, I'm putting K9 Kringle right here.
- No, it's worse up there.
- Marie, will you get out of the way? I'm not talking to you and your stupid lights.
Didn't that fire teach you a lesson, you maniac? Hey, do me a favor.
Stick your toe in the water and twist this bulb right here.
It'd be worth it to get away from you.
Will you stop? You're killing Christmas! Oh, my God! - What did you do? - Nothing.
- Hi, Grandma and Grandpa.
- Merry Christmas, kids.
You just hate anything bigger than you, don't you? - Happy holidays.
- Ray, look at you.
- What are you doing? - Your buttons are all off.
Oh, God.
You smell good.
I need you, Raymond.
We want to open our presents.
- Here, dear.
From me to you.
- Thank you, Marie.
And, Raymond, I got you something.
I got you something, too.
Hold on.
It's a housecoat.
I noticed you didn't have one.
It's just like mine.
So we could be twins.
Hold it up.
Wow, Robert.
Yep, a remote-controlled replica of a vintage P-51D Mustang flown by Chuck Yeager, complete with a fully operationaI slide-away canopy.
Hey, golf balls.
Yeah, well, I wanted to No, these are very good golf balls.
And there's three of them.
Hold them up.
You know what? Why don't you keep the plane over at your house because it'll probably be safer there.
- Are you sure? - You can use it whenever you want.
All right, great.
Thank you, Raymond.
And here, keep these golf balls.
You can use them whenever you want.
That's lovely, and it is so you.
What do you think, Ray? I just got a shiver.
Debra, the eggs Florentine, eggs-traordinary.
Yes, dear.
You're really coming along.
Thank you, Marie.
I'm just glad that you could come along.
I'm stuffed.
Let's watch football.
Wait, Dad, how about you and I clear the table? - What? - Let's give Debra the rest of the day off.
No, don't be ridiculous.
Debra and I can handle it.
- No.
- Yeah, they can handle it.
Come on, I think we should do it.
Well, thank you, Raymond.
What in hell's manger is wrong with you? I just want to give the ladies a break, you know? Do something for Debra.
Why? You know what I was thinking? Maybe you and Mom want to take the kids this afternoon to your house.
Why? Again, the Debra thing, you know? Besides, they're your grandchildren, you love them and you want to spend time with them on Christmas, like people.
I'm spending time with them here, and they're not breaking my stuff.
I know.
It'll give Debra and me a chance to relax.
Relax? Why do you want to relax? What do you mean? What? - Relax.
- What? I read you loud and clear.
Time for a little nookie, sailor? No.
- On Christmas day yet.
- Come on, Dad.
Well, the nut does not fall far from the tree.
I remember, one Easter, your mother and I Dad, please, don't.
Don't worry about a thing, son.
I'm on the case.
Let's go, Marie.
- Dad, wait.
- Pack up your stuff and grab the kids.
- I didn't mean for this.
- Why are we leaving? Ray and Debra want to relax.
Dad, you don't have to do this.
Come on.
Why do they have to relax? They're young, they're in love.
You gotta be hit over the head with a mallet? Figure it out.
Oh, my God! Raymond, it's Christmas Day.
The baby Jesus was just born.
Okay, I found the batteries.
We are cleared for takeoff.
So is my boy.
Everybody, grab your coats.
Chop, chop.
- What's going on? - Nothing's going on.
You don't have to go.
- You don't understand.
- I understand it all too well, Raymond.
In my day, there was a little something called self-controI.
- Not on Easter, 1962.
- Shush! Enjoy yourselves, kids.
And flash the lights when you're done.
We'll come back over.
So, what do you want to do? I think the moment has passed, Ray.
Okay, that moment has.
But look, here comes another.
No, I wish I was in the mood, I really do.
But you wouldn't want me to fake it, would you? I'm easy to fooI.
I just can't believe you still want to after that atrocity downstairs.
Look, I don't.
I thought I did.
I wanted to give it a try but who am I kidding? - I'm sorry, Ray.
- Okay, I'm back.
What? I just don't think it's gonna happen.
It's not you, Ray.
It's them.
Don't do that.
Don't let them ruin it.
Come on, I'll put on the Santa shorts and the sweeper.
In the ghetto, in the ghetto Come on, try.
Just try a little.
- You yelling at me isn't gonna work.
- Okay, all right.
So there's something that might work.
All right, I'm not yelling now.
I don't know, maybe try talking to me, okay? Talk to me.
What am I doing here? I'm talking.
No, something nice, something romantic.
You I think you're the most beautifuI woman on the face of the earth and I will know that for as long as I live.
You're so pathetic.
No, I mean it in a good way.
I'm sick ofjumping through hoops, all right? I have my pride! Get back here now, Raymond.
You heard me.
You just called me pathetic.
Yes, but you're never more sexy than when you're pathetic.
The mood has been hiding right behind pathetic.
That is brilliant.
I never would have thought to look there.
I'm okay.
- What's that noise? - I don't care.
I was thinking maybe we'll keep the plane over here.
Hey, Deb.
- Hey, Ray.
- What's up? Give me change of $1.
- Hi, Erin.
- How you doing? - Hey.
- I'm fine.
- Good.
I'll see you later.
- I'll see you later.
You were right, Ray.
Go pathetic.
Don't abuse it.

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